Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2016

Leicester Players Star In Lacklustre Baywatch-Inspired Promo For New PUMA Kit (Video)

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Desperate to find new ways to market their new football kits, sports kid manufacturerswill look in all directions for inspiration, sometimes with less than satisfactory results.

PUMA, in launching their new Leicester City kits, have looked to the past, via iconic 90s flesh-fest Baywatch.

In showing off Leicester City's three new kits for the coming season, PUMA's Baywatch-inspired clip is a rather half-arsed affair, with Christian Fuchs 'saving' Riyad Mahrez and Demarai Grey from the Santa Monica surf.

‘Once You Start the Daniel Sturridge Dance, You Cannot Stop’ – Liverpool Boss Jurgen Klopp Busts Some Moves For Fans In USA (Video)

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It's very hard not to like Jurgen Klopp. Indeed, deep down, we're sure even the most bitter, hardened Manchester United fan will have a teeny-weeny soft-spot for the German coach. Well, maybe not.

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Anyway, on Liverpool's current pre-season tour of the USA, Klopp endeared himself to a group of young fans by attempting his own version of the famous 'Daniel Sturridge dance'.

Chelsea Fan Impresses Arsenal-Supporting Future Father-In-Law With Superb Star-Studded Video

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Impressing your partners' parents is a key factor on the road to matrimonial bliss. For lifelong Chelsea man, Adam Tanous, getting in his future father-in-law's good books was always going be be tricky, considering the man is a passionate Arsenal fan.

However, using all his sports PR industry connections, Tanous managed to pull off a quite superb video message to impress his future father-in-law, Hughie, ahead of his wedding day.

Uruguay: Luis Suarez Honoured With Odd Life-Size Statue In Hometown Of Salto (Photos)

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It's common knowledge that, especially in football circles, you ain't nobody until somebody makes an odd, ill-proportioned statue of you.

Finally, Luis Suarez has joined those hallowed ranks after it was ordained last year that a tribute to the Uruguayan city of Salto's most famous son be plonked in the middle of the pavement in honour of his continuing service to the national team.

‘Thank You All For The Great Time’ – Germany Stalwart Bastian Schweinsteiger Announces International Retirement

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On the very day he found he was one of nine Manchester United playerswho have been told to find new clubs, Bastian Schweinsteiger has announced his retirement from international duty with Germany.

It's a day we'd never thought we'd live to see, but after making 120 appearances in 12 years for Die Mannschaft, Basti is bowing out a World Cup winner, no less.

Six Months After Winning Puskas Award, Wendell Lira Retires From Football To Fulfill Dream Of Becoming An eSport Champion

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You may not be instantly familiar with Wendell Lira's name but there's a decent chance you're familiar with his handiwork.

The Brazilian striker won the FIFA 2015 Puskas Award (i.e, the most beautiful goal of the year) for theabsolutely stupendous overhead kick he scored against Atletico-GO while playing forGoianesia.

Vision In Zebra Print: Juventus’ New Third Kit Is Designed To Tantalise African Grassland Predators (Photos)

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Photo: @JuventusFC/Twitter

Juventus have released their new third kit for 2016/17 and, as you can probably see, it comes with a stern warning not to be worn around ferocious lions and/or other predators of the African savanna.

Inspired by one of Juve's lesser-spotted nicknames,Le Zebre, the dashing new Adidas strip is predominantly white save the tasteful dashes of zebra print they've splotched on the sleeves.

The Continuing Story Of A Bungling Brazilian: Adriano Is Now Living Among One Of Rio’s Most Notorious Favela Gangs

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Photo: @adrianoimperador/Instagram

It would appear that the continuing fable of one-time all-conquering Brazilian forward Adriano has taken yet another, bitterly disappointing downturn.

The last we heard, he had signed for FC Miami United in the fourth tier of the US football hierarchy.

Norwich City Slap Down Haughty Facebook Commenter With Brilliant Reply To LGBT Pride Quip

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By Joseph Viney (@jjviney)

Football is shadowed by a bad reputation for its reception and treatment of the LGBT community.

Indeed, much has been made of the almost total lack of publicly gay footballers at all levels for fear of reprisals and abuse from fans, other players and even colleagues.

Classic Klinsmann: Key Moments In Jurgen’s Time At Tottenham, 22 Years On From The Day He Signed

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Photo: Press Association

When Jurgen Klinsmann signed for Tottenham 22 years ago today, it was a genuinely jaw-dropping moment.

With the Premier League still in its infancy, top tiersignings were not yet two-a-penny, and Klinsmann was arguably the hottest property in world football – a genuine superstar.

‘I Couldn’t Stand Another Minute With Him’ – Gonzalo Higuain Hits Out At Napoli President Aurelio De Laurentiis After Big-Money Juventus Move

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Following his€90million move from Juventus, Gonzalo Higuain has named Napoli presidentAurelio De Laurentiis as one of the main reasons why he made the move from theStadio San Paolo to Turin.

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Speaking for the first time since his high-profile move, Higuain pointed the finger at movie-mogul De Laurentiis, citingthe breakdown of the relationship between the two men as a key factor in his decision to leave Napoli.

‘Friendly’: Cesc Fabregas Apologises After Being Sent Off Against Liverpool For Needlessly Aggressive Lunge On Ragnar Klavan (Video)

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Chelsea midfielder Cesc Fabregas has apologised and rightly so for chopping down Liverpool debutante Ragnar Klavan with a needlessly over-zealous tackle during the latter stages of last night's International Champions Cup friendly between the two Premier League sides.

Fabregas was shown a straight red card in the 70th minute after felling the Estonian defender with a rash, late lunge as Chelsea went on to win the game 1-0 at thePasadena Rose Bowl.

Man Utd: Jesse Lingard’s ‘Dab University’ Tutorial Is Easily The Most Cringeworthy Thing You’ll See Today (Video)

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As you may be vaguely aware, Manchester United youngster Jesse Lingard has been trying to force his silly 'Dab' dance on all and sundry for quite some time after adopting it not only as his goal celebration of choice, but as an overall generalmodus operandi for life.

Indeed, he's even taken to referring to himself as 'The Dabberman' in public.

Football Tat: Cristiano Ronaldo Introduces New Line Of CR7 Luxury Blankets (Photo & Video)

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Stop what you're doing an listen. This is important. Cristiano Ronaldo has launched a new range of luxury blankets.

They've been produced in conjunction with American blanket companyElite Team, who have used some incredibly strange imagery in their product blurb:

Our blankets are a tribute to you.

Charity Match: NBA Star Dirk Nowitzki Replicates Simone Zaza’s Godawful Euro 2016 Penalty Miss In Painstaking Detail (Video)

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Euro 2016 may have been and gone but the windowfor taking the rise out ofSimone Zaza's truly woeful penalty against Germany in the quarter-finals is far from closed.

Indeed, towering NBA star Dirk Nowitzki himself of the German persuasion poked fun at the Italian striker's dismal spot-kick during Wednesday evening's 'Champions for Charity' exhibition game in Mainz by faithfully recreating it right down to the last painstaking detail.

New Signing Leaves Bosnian Club Without Playing Single Game After Being Attacked In The Street By Stray Dogs

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Photo: FK Zeljeznicar Sarajevo

Apparently it was considered quite a coup when, roughly one month ago, Bosnian sideFKZeljeznicar Sarajevo successfully procured Spanish midfielder Javier Hervas, formerly of Sevilla, Cordoba and Brisbane Roar.

However, the whole thing didn't take long to go south when, without making a single appearance forZeljeznicar, Hervas moved back home to Spain to sign for second-tier side CD Mirandes.

You’re Not The One For Me, Fatty: Samir Nasri Deemed Too Portly To Play By Man City Boss Pep Guardiola

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Manchester City midfielder Samir Nasri is too fat to play, according to new boss Pep Guardiola.

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29-year-old Nasri is yet to feature for the Citizens in their pre-season schedule, and was an un-used sub for their International Champions Cup victory against Borussia Dortmund on Thursday.

Reports: Real Madrid To Offer £30m For Newcastle’s French Midfielder Moussa Sissoko

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Not many of us saw this one coming, but according to reports, Real Madrid are to splash out £30million for Newcastle's Moussa Sissoko, after the midfielder shone for France at EURO 2016.

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With number one target Paul Pogba set for a £92million move toManchester United, Real will nowturn their attention to another (cheaper) French midfielder, in the shape of the 26-year-old Sissoko.

Arsenal: Swiss Hardman Granit Xhaka Performs Appalling Initiation Song In USA (Video)

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We've seen plenty of embarrassing videos of players' making a right dog's dinner of their customary initiation song at a new club, and Arsenal's Granit Xhaka's star-turn is no exception.

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During the club's pre-season tour of the USA, the Swiss hardman produced a typically excruciating rendition of a song we cannot, for the life of us, recognise.

Dodgy Draws, Doubt And Mass Derision: The Revamped EFL Trophy Is Shaping Up Nicely

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There can rarely have been a more farcical or badly-received football competition draw than this morning's for the English Football League Trophy.

Its greatest success seems to be in hardening the already strong campaign by fans to boycott the revamped competition.

Disquiet had already been expressed over the decision to invite Premier League academy teams into the competition, one that has been valued by lower league clubs as something they have a real chance of winning.

FAIL: Peruvian Side Alianza Atletico Make Total Hash Of The ‘Messi-Suarez’ Penalty (Video)

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Alianza Atletico could only manage a goalless draw against Huancayo in the Peruvian top flight, and that's despite being presented with a golden opportunity to break the deadlock 20 minutes into the second half.

Indeed, Alianza managed to win themselves a penalty. Unfortunately, the tried to be clever dicks about the whole thing andduly attempted to recreate the old 'tandem penalty' routine as popularised by Coppens and Piters, Cruyff and Olsenand, more recently, Messi and Suarez.

Patrice Evra Reacts To Juventus Signing Gonzalo Higuain By Doing A Little Ping-Pong Dance (Video)

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Photo: @JuventusFC/Twitter

As you may have heard, Gonzalo Higuain became the third most expensive player in history yesterday when he joined Juventus from Napoli for the princely sum of€90million.

Having already won Serie Aat a canter last season, the news that Juve hadpurloinedsecond-placed Napoli's top goalscorer came as a delight to Patrice Evra, who couldn't help but dance a little jig around his ping-pong table after realising that his job had just been made that much cushier.

To Infinity And Beyond: Reading Quite Literally Launch New Kits 40km Up To The Edge Of Space (Video)

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Image: Reading FC/Youtube

Reading have taken the concept of a kit launch, spit-balled and brain-stormed it back and forth for a while and eventually decided to shill their new shirts in exactly the same way Sao Paulo did it three years ago, by sending them up into space.

The Championship side tethered their new home and away jerseys to a balloon and sent it almost 40,000 metres up to the very edge of heaven, filming the whole thing as they went.

Pep Guardiola Introduces Radical New Fitness Regime At Man City: Bans Overweight Players From Training, Removes Pizza From Menu

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"Oi, Tubby. YYYYYYYYOU'RE OUTTA HERE!"

Ever the trail-blazing maverick, new Man City coach Pep Guardiola has wasted little time implementing his meticulous regime at theclub.

As revealed by City full-back Gael Clichy, Guardiola has stopped overweight players from being able to train with the first team until they shed their excess timber.

FA Cup: New Rule Tweak Means Teams Now Allowed To Bring On Fourth Sub In Latter Stages Of Competition

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Excellent news for fans of time-wasting, any team that makes it through to the quarter-finalroundand/or beyond of this seasons FA Cup will be able to send on a fourth substitute in extra-time.

The FA are trialling the newrule tweak over the course of 2016/17 after seeing it first used during the Copa America over the summer.

Dodgy Draws, Doubt, Deceipt & Mass Derision: The Revamped EFL Trophy Is Shaping Up Nicely

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There can rarely have been a more farcical or badly-received football competition draw than this morning's for the English Football League Trophy.

As well as underminingthe cup's prestige entirely, the EFL brainchild's greatest success seems to be in hardening the already strong campaign by fans to boycott the revamped competition.

Xherdan Shaqiri and Marek Hamsik Feature As UEFA Announce Nominees For 2015/16 Goal Of The Season

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There's nothing like a goal of the season competition to split opinion, and UEFA's (not overly inspiring)list of 10 nominees for the 2015/16 gong is no exception.

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The list includes a couple of crackers from this summer's EURO 2016, including Xherdan Shaqiri's outstanding bicycle kick against Poland and Marek Hamsik's curling cracker against Russia.

Serie A: Roma Legend Francesco Totti Slams Gonzalo Higuain Over Big-Money Move To Juventus

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Roma icon Francesco Totti has bemoaned the lack of loyalty in modern football, with Gonazalo Higuain's€90 million move from Napoli to Juventus not impressing the 39-year-old former Italian international.

After seeing the likes of Higuain and ex-Roma playmaker Miralme Pjanic move to Juventus in big-money deals, Totti, a man who has spent his long and glittering career with boyhood club Roma, has spoken out.

Official-ish: Juventus Sign Gonzalo Higuain From Napoli For The Not Insignificant Sum Of €90m

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Nothing formal as yet but Sky Italia are reporting that Gonzalo Higuain has completed a move from Napoli to Juventus.

The fee involved? An absolutely berserk €90million that's £75.3million in old money. And for a 28-year-old, too. Bloody Nora.

The transfer has been on the cards for a week or so, with more than a couple of Napoli fans greeting the prospective dealby taking to the streets and ritualistically burning their Higuain shirts/stuffing them down toilets, etc.

Sporting Lisbon Stage Proper Contract Signing Ceremony For Five-Year-Old Fan Fighting Cancer (Photo)

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Photo: Sporting_CP/Twitter

The wee little chap you see up there is Bruno de Carvalho, the president of Sporting Lisbon (or Clube de Portugal if you're going to be picky about it), and he's knelt down and shaking hands with the club's latest signing, five-year-oldFrancisco.

Sadly, Francisco is bravely fighting cancer so, to help give him a VIP day to remember, Sporting set up a special meeting so they could "sign" the youngster as their official 12th man.

Official: Joe Allen Joins Stoke City After Completing £13m Transfer From Liverpool (Photo)

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Terms were agreed a week or so ago but last night saw Joe Allen formally seal his £13million move from Liverpool to Stoke City.

The Welsh midfielder, who played his way into the UEFA Team of the Tournament at Euro 2016 this summer, has moved to the Britannia on a five-year deal.

BREAKING | Stoke City are delighted to announce the signing of Joe Allen from @LFC on a 5-year deal #SCFC pic.

Liverpool: Mamadou Sakho Sent Home From United States Tour After ‘Infuriating’ Jurgen Klopp Once Too Often

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Mamadou Sakho has reportedly been sent home from Liverpool's pre-season tour of the United States after Jurgen Klopp ran out of patience with the French defender's attitude.

According to the Telegraph, Klopp ordered Sakho to fly back to England yesterday after being "infuriated" by the 26-year-old centre-back's behaviour on "at leasttwo occasions", thus PLUNGING HIS LIVERPOOL FUTURE INTO DOUBT™.

Liverpool: Jurgen Klopp Plays Up Front During 90-Minute Staff Match Against Stanford University Team (Highlights)

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With Christian Benteke and Mario Balotelli both on their way outand Daniels Sturridge and Ings both gluttons for niggling injuries, Liverpool are in the process of trying out a few alternative options up top during their pre-season campaign.

Having already given Under-18s goalkeeper Shamal George a go up-front against Huddersfield, manager Jurgen Klopp turned toan altogether more experienced man to lead the line in a friendly against Stanford University's staff team: a certain wiry veteran German striker by the name of Jurgen Klopp.

‘The Bridesmaids Said He Smells Gorgeous’ – Mario Balotelli Crashes Random Wedding In Liverpool (Photos)

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Photo via Empire of the Kop

Having been informed that henceforth he's most definitely surplus to requirements at Liverpool, Mario Balotelli has taken to loitering outside hotels on Merseyside.

While frittering away a few leisurely hours in Southport, Balotelli was approached by a couple outside The Vincent Hotel and asked for a photo.

Lyon Confirm They’ve Knocked Back An Opening £29.5m Bid From Arsenal For Alexandre Lacazette

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Lyon have responded to spurious stories in the French press by confirming the precise nature of the bid they've knocked back from Arsenal for striker Alexandre Lacazette.

Regional paperLe Progrès reported on Tuesday morning that Lyon had rejected a€48million (£40million or thereabouts) offer for Lacazette's services.

J-League: Godzilla – Yes, Godzilla – Attempts To Take A Pre-Match Penalty With His Tail (Video)

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Godzilla goes rampaging up the wing

You know how you've always wanted to see a bloke in an awkwardly proportioned Godzilla suit attempt to scorea penalty using his tail? Well today's your lucky day.

To promote the release of the new 'Godzilla: Resurgence' movie in Japan, a bloke in an awkwardly proportioned Godzilla suit attempted to score a penalty with his tail before theJ-League match between Kawasaki Frontale and FC Toyko past a bloke in a dolphin suit, naturally.

Man Utd: Jose Mourinho Bans Players From Mucking Around On Pokemon Go Before Matches

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If the Daily Star are to be believed, Jose Mourinho has become the first manager to introduce a blanket ban on his players larking around on Pokemon Go the augmented reality smart phone fad currently sweeping the planet like a plaguepandemic.

Mourinho has apparently informed his players many of whom are "fixated" by Pokemon Go that the game is banned for 48 hours before United matches so distractions in the build-up are kept to a minimum.

Celtic’s New Third Kit Is Very, Very, VERY Pink And Inspired By An Old Ticket Stub (Photos)

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After teasing it hither and thither for weeks, Celtic have finally unveiled their new third kit for 2016/17 and, as was feared in some quarters, it's very pink incredibly, vividly pink.

As per the marketing bumph, New Balance took inspiration from Celtic's illustrious past while cobbling their cerise creation together, lifting the colour from the ticket stubs used at the 1967 European Cup final, wherein the famous 'Lisbon Lions' beat Inter Milan to complete an unprecedented quintuple of trophies.

Tottenham: Mauricio Pochettino Publicly Declares He Has No Interest In Taking Argentina Job

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Tottenham fans will be able to breathe a sigh of relief today after Mauricio Pochettino publicly ruled himself out of the running for the still-vacant Argentina managerial post.

Pochettino had been one of a gaggle of names linked to the role which opened up when previous incumbent Tata Martino stepped down several weeks ago.

Hull City: Steve Bruce Writes Good Ol’ Fashioned Open Letter To Explain Reasons For Walking Away

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Steve Bruce has written an open letter to Hull City fans to explain his reasons for walking out on the club after dragging them up out of the Championship and back into the Premier League.

Bruce left the Tigers on Friday after four years at the helm, with many assuming he was going to take up the reigns at Sunderland.

Sam Allardyce Officially Unveiled As England Manager: 10 Pertinent Quotes From His First Press Conference

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Coming several days after the announcement was first made, the FA have today officially unveiled Sam Allardyce as the new England manager by way of an introductory press conference at St George's Park.

After confirming that long-time collaborators Sammy Lee and Paul Clement will be joining his backroom staff, Allardyce fielded questions from the assembled hacks and spoken with infectious zeal as if he was actually enjoying himself fancy that!

Grumpy Guts: Celtic Newboy Kolo Toure Looks Like Misery Personified At His Official Unveiling (Photo)

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Kolo Toure in happier times (a few months ago)

Having sealed a move from Liverpool to Celtic a couple of days ago, Kolo Toure has since become the latest player to give it the old 'Surly McThunderface' routine inhis first official photos for his new employers.

In fact, the usually cheery Ivorian centre-back looked like death warmed up at his welcome party at Celtic Park, as if somebody had taken him aside and told him that his little pet kitten had met a grizzly end underneath a Vauxhall Corsa just seconds before he went in front of the cameras.

Ex-Arsenal Attacker Andrei Arshavin Nets Wonder-Goal In Kazakhstan Premier League (Video)

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He may have never quite made the most of his talents at Arsenal, but Andrey Arshavin was and apparently still is, a rather fine footballer. Now playing in the Kazakhstan Premier League, the 35-year-old netted a wonder-goal at the weekend for Kairat in their 3-1 win against Taraz.

Picking up the ball outside the box, the diminutive schemer produced a superb turn to beat a defender and then bamboozled another two inside the Taraz box, before producing a deft chip over the goalie.

Blond Ambition: Lionel Messi’s New Peroxide Hairdo Unveiled By Girlfriend Antonela Roccuzzo On Instagram

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Lionel Messi hasn't enjoyed the best of summers, retiring from international football after his Argentina side failed once again to lift the Copa America trophy and then seeing Real Madrid rival Cristiano Ronaldo lead his Portugal side to Euro 2016 glory. However, now the Barcelona superstar has decided to cheer himself up by getting a new hairdo.

‘Of Course I Will Shake His Hand’ – Pep Guardiola Plays Down Jose Mourinho Rivalry Ahead Of Manchester Derby In Beijing

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New Manchester City boss Pep Guardiola has said that he'll have no problem shaking Jose Mourinho's hand when the Citizens play Manchester United on Monday in Beijing.

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The two managers locked horns a number of times in Spain while managing Barcelona Real Madrid, where tensions often rose between the two coaches.

Spanish Novelty Kit Craze Continues As CD Pinzon Unveil New Strawberry And Blueberry-Themed Kits (Photos)

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Photo: @clubdpinzon/Twitter

Another day, another Spanish lower league side unveils their attempt athorning in on the whole 'noveltyregional-food-themed kit' craze.

This time it's Andalusian club CD Pinzon, who have chosen to shill for the local agricultural industry by unveiling a new strawberry (home) and blueberry (away) kit to advertise the abundance offresh fruit available in their little corner of the world.

Arsenal: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain Nets Sumptuous Chip v Lens (Video)

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Arsenal got their pre-season underway with a hard-fought 1-1 draw away to French Ligue 2 side Lens. Arsene Wenger put out a mix and match side, with many of his more senior players not involved. However, it was Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain who would score the Gunners' equaliser, after deftly chipping the Lens 'keeper.

Official: Sunderland Appoint David Moyes As Manager On Four-Year Deal (Photo)

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The sadness seems to flow from your eyes like a fountain from a pool

With Sam Allardyce being sworn in as England's new gaffer shortly before close of play last night, the way was cleared for Sunderland to go ahead and announce his replacement.

That they have done this very morn, with the news that David Moyes has been appointed on a four-year contract.

Reports: Riyad Mahrez Set To Join Arsenal After Leicester City Accept £42m Offer

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If reports today are to be believed, Riyad Mahrez is on the cusp of joining Arsenal after Leicester City accepted a mammoth offer for the reigning PFA Player of the Year.

According to Eurosport France, the winger was "seduced" by Arsenal's offer and is now expected to commit to the Gunners after Leicester accepted abidof approximately€50million (£42million) for the Algerian.

Leicester: Arsenal Target Riyad Mahrez Scores Trademark Curling Cracker v Celtic (Video)

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While reports suggest that he may be on his way to Arsenal in a £42million deal, Riyad Mahrez lined out for Leicester City in the International Champions Cup against Celtic at Parkhead on Saturday.

After a goalless first-half, the Algerian international produced a moment of trademark magic just after the break, highlighting just why is he such a sought after player.

Official: Arsenal Sign England U21 Defender Rob Holding From Bolton In £2m Deal

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As expected, Arsenal have singed Bolton Wanderers defender Rob Holding for a reported fee of £2million.

The 20-year-old, who can play either in the centre of defence or at full-back, made 30 appearances in his maiden campaign with the Trotters last season and picked up the club's Player of the Season gong.

Better Late Than Never: Lazio Set To Be Awarded The 1914/15 Italian Championship Title

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The Lazio team of 1914/15 (Photo via JASN)

Lazio could wind upwinning their third Italian championship if an investigationinto the outcome of the 1914/15 season finds in their favour.

TheItalian Football Federation (FIGC) have commissioned a report into the 1914/15 Scudetto after thousands of Lazio fans signed an online petition calling for the final league table to be recalculated.

Blame It On Jam Sandwiches: Minnesota United Laugh Off Sammy Ndjock’s Ridiculous Own-Goal Against Bournemouth With Cracking Little Video

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Minnesota United have produced a cracking little video to explain just why their goalkeeper, Sammy Ndjock, chucked the ball directly into his own net in a pre-season friendly against Bournemouth in midweek.

It transpires that, as per the video, the Cameroonian 'keeper was innocently preparing himself a jam sandwich in the minutes leading up to kick-off.

Blotchy And Beautiful: Norwich Release ‘Kit Of The Year’ Candidate With Triumphantly Disgusting 1990s Tribute (Photo)

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Photo: @NorwichCityFC/Twitter

Norwich City have unveiled Pies' kit of the year so far with their brazenly grotesque, triumphantly disgusting new third stripfor the coming season.

Knocked out by Errea, the 2016/17 changekit is an unofficial homage to the Canaries' blotchy and disorientating home strip of 1992/93, whichin itself was a homage to grim hospital bedclothes of the 1980s.

Everton Bump Up Romelu Lukaku’s Asking Price To Whopping £75m To Ward Off Chelsea Vultures

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Chelsea are currently fourth in the reckoningwith 888sport.com to finish top of the Premier League pile this coming season, down below Arsenal, Man Utd and outright favourites Man City.

With a long-lost title to reclaim, new coach Antonio Conte has already set about adding a little more auxiliary firepower to his new squad with the acquisition ofMichy Batshuayi but it would seem that the ex-Marseille striker isn't the only big name Belgium international on the Blues' summer shopping list.

Water, Desk Fans And Neighbouring Rooms For Henderson And Lallana – Liverpool’s Hotel Demands For Next Season Leaked (Photo)

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Coming as a minor interest to a handful of fans out there, a document containing allof the Liverpool team's various hotel demands for away games this coming season has been leaked.

As picked up by the Daily Star, the list of "bizarre" requests includes a smoking room for Jurgen Klopp, bottles of mineral water and a desk fan for Philippe Coutinho.

Man City: Pep Guardiola Shares Taxi Ride Around Manchester With Seven-Year-Old Fan (Video)

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"I'd love to get your thoughts on a dynamic 3-1-3-2-1 formation with an inverted goalkeeper and false centre-backs..."

This is the parable of seven-year-old Man City fan Braydon. That's him up there with the ever so slightly startled look on his face.

One day, not so very long ago, Braydon stood waiting on the streets of Manchester assuming that he was about to be picked up for a special jaunt around town in the company of City's ever-chirpy kitman Les 'Chappy' Chapman.

Man Utd: Jose Mourinho Compliments Zlatan Ibrahimovic On His ‘Amazing Body’

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"I do declare Mr Beauregard, you're givin' me pow'ful hankerin's"

He may be entering the twilight of his professional career, but Zlatan Ibrahimovic is still a fine, sinewy figure of a man. This is not news. You've pretty much got to be to pull off that ponytail.

The Manchester United striker has plenty of admirers out there, but none more prominent that his new manager, Jose Mourinho, who has been darting coy looks at his newly-crowned No.

So Over It: Jose Mourinho Refuses to Sign Chelsea Shirt On Man Utd’s Tour Of China (Video)

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Despite being sacked twice by the club, Jose Mourinho will forever be considered a legend by Chelsea fans after steering the west London club into football's elite. However,this week,the 'Special One' won't have endeared himself to Blues' fans after refusing to sign a Chelsea shirt while on tour with United in China.

12 Inspirational Quotes From Sam Allardyce’s Autobiography

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Samuel Allardyce's book, 'Big Sam: The Autobiography' was published in late 2015, several months after he'd parted company with West Ham and several weeks before he took over at Sunderland.

With the man himself on the very precipice of taking over as England manager, we thought we'd have a timely dive into his pysche to see what makes him tick.

Imperious: Roma’s New Marble-Themed 2016/17 Away Kit Is Molto, Molto Bello (Photos)

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That up there is Roma's new away kit for the 2016/17 campaign. Ain't it purdy?

With Roma celebrating their 90th anniversary this season, Nike have decided to pay homage to the city's historic architecture by producing a marble-coloured strip.

In fact, the only other detailing on the kit is a few bolts ofimperial maroon hither and thither, the swoosh and the Giallorossi's famous 'Lupetto' wolf emblem.

Clanger: Minnesota United ‘Keeper Scores Top Notch Own-Goal In Friendly Against Bournemouth (Video)

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Photo: @afcbournemouth/Twitter

Bournemouth took on Minnesota United on Wednesday evening in the final game of the stateside leg of their pre-season tour, eventually sauntering their way to a comfortable 4-0 win over their NASL opponents.

The Cherries were helped on their way by a truly calamitous own-goal from Minnesota 'keeperSammy Ndjock, a former Cameroon international no less.

Reports: L’Equipe Claim Paul Pogba’s £100m Transfer To Man Utd Is Now ‘Complete’

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It would appear that Paul Pogba's grand return to Manchester United is now closer to completion than ever.

Indeed, L'Equipe have even gone as far as claiming that thedeal for Pogba has been rubber-stamped after Juventus accepted United's second offer for the 23-year-old: a knee-trembling £100million (plus another £8million in performance-related bonuses).

Newcastle Accept ‘Bid In Region Of £25m’ From Liverpool For Georginio Wijnaldum

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Liverpool have agreed a deal to sign Georginio Wijnaldum from Newcastle after shaking on a package worth £25million.

According to The Guardian, Wijnaldum is expected toundergo a medical on Merseyside in the next few days ahead of the move.

The Dutch international midfielder, 25, only joined the Toon last summer, when they paid PSV £14.

Liverpool: U-18s Goalkeeper Shamal George Comes On As Striker For Last 30 Mins Of Huddersfield Friendly (Photos)

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Faced with a dearth of options on the bench, Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp was forced to delve deep into his Under-18 squad during Wednesday night's friendly against Huddersfield.

Indeed, following an injury to Lucas Leiva mid way through the second half, Klopp was steeling himself to see out the game with 10 men when he was reminded by his coaches that he still had one bodyleft on the bench.

‘I Won’t Play For This Club Again’ – Mario Gomez To Leave Besiktas After Turkish Coup Attempt

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Mario Gomez has announced that he intends to leave Besiktas at the first available juncture because of the political shitstorm currently whipping up in Turkey.

An attempted government coup by military forces left 161 people dead last week, with the fallout thereof continuing to cause consternation around the world.

Champions League: Partizani ‘Keeper Alban Hoxha Scores Panenka Then Saves Three Penalties In Chaotic Shoot-Out Victory (Video)

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They only found their way into the Champions League draw becauseAlbanian champions Skenderbeu were expelledformatch-fixing, but last night Partizani Tirana beat Hungarian side Ferencvaros by way of a topsy-turvy penalty shoot-out to book themselves a berth in the thirdround of qualifying.

After the second leg saw both team level-pegging 2-2 on aggregate after 210 minutes of football, the tie went to penalties in Budapest.

Reports: Stoke To Cough Up £13million For Liverpool’s Welsh Wizard Joe Allen

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Fresh from starring in Wales' stunning Euro 2016 campaign, Liverpool midfielder Joe Allen looks tobe on his way to Stoke City, with theReds reported to have accepted a £13million from Stoke for the 26-year-old.

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Allen has one year left on his current Liverpool contract and has struggled to hold down a regular starting berth at Anfield under Jurgen Klopp, starting only eight league games last season.

Ex-Man City Striker Stevan Jovetic Nets Silky Back-Heeled Goal For Inter Milan v Real Salt Lake (Video)

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While he never quite hit the heights with Manchester City, Stevan Jovetic remains a truly gifted attacker. During Inter Milan's friendly game away to MLS side Real Salt Lake, the Montenegrin produced a lovely back-heeled finish in the Nerazzurri's 2-1 win.

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The American side had taken the lead through Jordan Allen, before Danilo D'Ambrosio levelled the scores just before the break.

Reports: Sam Allardyce To Be Appointed As New England Manager ‘Within Next 24 Hours’

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You're looking at the new manager of the England national football team. English football truly has reached its zenith.

Yep, the FA have gone and given the job to Sam Allardyce after interviewing both him and Steve Bruce for the role over the course of the past week or so.

BBC Sport are reporting that Big Sam's appointment is now signed and sealed, with official confirmation due before the end of play on Thursday.

Official: Alvaro Negredo Joins Middlesbrough On Season-Long Loan Deal (Photo)

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Middlesbrough have pulled off a relatively huge coup this afternoon with the news that the newly-promoted Premier League side have secured the services of Alvaro Negredo.

The 30-year-old striker, brieflyof Man City, arrives from Valencia on a season-long loan deal.

CONFIRMED | The club has agreed a deal with @valenciacf to bring @AlvaroNegredo_7 to #Boro https://t.

Liverpool: Jurgen Klopp Plugs Pre-Season Reunion With Huddersfield Coach David Wagner By Digging Out Old Photo Of The Pair On The Piss

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Liverpool's pre-season friendly against Huddersfield Town on Wednesday night will seeJurgen Klopp pitted against his old chum, ex-Mainz teammate and former assistant at Dortmund, David Wagner, for the first time since the German pair made the jump to the English game.

Ahead of the grand reunion, Klopp plugged the game by digging out an old snap of the pair revellingtogether in their younger days.

Rangers Fans Upset With iPhone Virtual Assistant Siri For Telling People Club Is Only Four Years Old

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A smattering of Rangers fans are up in arms after discovering that Siri, the iPhone's virtual personal assistant, has been telling people that their beloved club is only four years old.

It's all a bit of a sore issue forRangers fans, with rival supporters using the date that Rangers Football Club Plcwent into liquidation to taunt them ever since.

Premier League Tweak Conduct Rules To Allow Referees To Clamp Down On ‘Intolerable Behaviour’

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Just a few weeks ahead of the new season, the Premier League have announced that they've tweaked several rules in a conscious effort to cut down on ill discipline and dissent, especially toward referees.

The Premier League, the English Football League and the FA are all ganging together to ask match officials to take a stronger stance on punishing both players and manager for lapses in sportsmanship.

Liverpool: Daniel Agger Reveals How Over-Reliance On Painkillers Led To Him Falling Out With Brendan Rodgers

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Daniel Agger has been describing how he feels an over-reliance on painkilling pills directly brought about the end of his eight-year stint at Liverpool.

The Danish centre-back left the Redsin 2014 to return to Brondby, where he lasted another two years before an amalgamationof injuries finally forced him into retirement, aged just 31, at the end of last season.

Shambolic: Chesterfield Admit To Faking Winning Ticket In Mother Of All Raffle Cock-Ups

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League One club Chesterfield have been forced to apologise to fans after they faked a winning entry in a raffle to follow the team on their pre-season tour of Hungary. Yes, really!

The club had invited fans to part with £20 to enter the raffle, but after a particularly slow take-up which saw only FOUR people take part, the club started to go quiet on the whole thing.

Crocked Striker Demba Ba Visited In Hospital By Shenghai SIPG Player Who Tackled Him (Video)

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We've all seen Demba Ba's horrific leg break which occurred in the Shanghai derby last week. However, for the player himself, the long road to recovery stretches ahead, with a major question mark hanging over the 31-year-old's future in the game.

Unsurprisingly, Ba has had a lot of visitors since the injury, including current teammateObafemi Martins.

No Takers: Lazio Manage To Shift Just 11 Season Tickets On First Day Of Sale

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It looks very much as though Lazio are setto shatter their record low season ticket salestwo years on the bounce after the Serie A side managed to shift just a handful of 2016/17tickets on the first day of sale.

Lazio put season tickets on sale on Monday but demand proved so low that just 11 tickets had been sold by the time the lines closed at the end of the day that's according to Gazzetta dello Sport, who delightfully brand theeffort a "flop assoluto" in their headline.

15 Great, Sun-Baked Photos Of Footballers On Holiday

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What with it being the hottest day of the year so far and everything, Pies thought we'd capitalise on the furore by chucking a 15-strong compendium of sun-baked footballers your way.

Don'tsay we nevertreat you...

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Tottenham 'keeper Ted Ditchburn pootles round the Maddieson's Holiday Camp with his family in the summer of 1952

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Pele strums away lazily in the sunshine at Brazil's team hotel in Mexico during the 1970 World Cup Finals

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George Best dresses the part for a day out bronzing at the beach in Majorca, 1971

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Kevin Keegan and his good lady wife Jean take in the sights of gay Paris while wearing his 'n' hers matching coats, 1976

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John Toshack does his best to fit in with the locals while lounging around poolside in Barcelona, 1976

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German striker Uli Hoeness and his wife Susi relax by the pool at their hotel inSt.

La Liga: Spanish Side CD Leganes Launch Kit With World’s First Scratch-‘N’-Sniff Badge (Video)

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Newly-promoted La Liga side CD Leganes have jumped on the weird and wonderful Spanish kit bandwagon by making their new 2016-17 home shirt the first ever to feature a "scratch 'n' sniff" badge.

As unlikely as it may sound, Leganes' new jersey features an embroidered club crest that both smells and, slightly worryingly, tastes of freshly cut grass.

Pele Takes It Upon Himself To Record Special Song Inspired By 2016 Rio Olympic Games

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Image: @Pele/Twitter

Pele has taken it upon himself to record his very own anthem for the 2016 Olympic Games, which are due to get under way in Rio de Janeiro next month.

The 75-year-old Brazilian legend has penned and recorded an unofficial anthem called "Esperanca" ("Hope") which he says was inspired by the "the feeling of hope and happiness" being created around the world by the Rio games themselves.

Apply Now: Belgian Football Association Advertise Head Coach Vacancy On Their Website

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Hey you! Yeah, you. Are you a strong, open communicator who can transmit tactically who hasmastered his social context andproven to be installed in a high performance culture?

If you're sat there nodding your headthen you may just be the person the Belgian FA are looking for to replace Marc Wilmots in their top job.

Reports: Juventus Ordered To Pay €2m For Flogging ‘Unauthorised’ Jerseys With Three Scudetto Stars

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Juventus have been ordered to pay Nike the princely sum of€2million after the club were stung for flogging unauthorised jerseys with three Scudetto stars stitched above the crest.

According to Football Italia, a judge in Geneva has now ruled in favour of Nike, who were originally suing the clubfor€80million for breach of contract.

Arsenal: One-Time Brazilian Prodigy Returns To Former Club After Making Grand Total Of Zero Appearances In Six Years For Gunners

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The year was 2010. Vuvuzelas were big news, dreary vampires were absolutely sodding everywhere and a certain 16-year-old Brazilian wunderkind was leaving Fluminense in his homeland to sign on the dotted line for Arsenal.

That sprightly young knave was Wellington Silva. After fending off both Manchester United and Chelsea to sign the youngster, Arsenal spluffed £3.

Shit Football Kits: The Serie B Edition – Avellino’s New Home Shirt Has A Mad Cartoon Dragon On It (Photo & Video)

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Image via @matthew_barker/Twitter

Proving that it's not just Spanish lower league teams that are adept at pulling curious kits out of the bag, Italian second tier side Avellino have gone and launched a weird new jersey of their very own.

The Serie B side helda grand event to formally announce their 2016/17 first-team squad this week, unveiling their new shirt on stage in the process.

Football Tat: Chesterfield Would Like To Sell You A ‘150th Anniversary Garden Gnome’ For £16 (Photo)

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We ask you: What better way to celebrate your beloved football club's 150th year of existence than by dropping £16 on a worthless nubbin of purest tat?

Well that's exactly what Chesterfield are asking their devout supporters to do, with the tat in question being this truly crap"150th anniversary garden gnome", on sale now in the club shop.

Ronaldinho Runs Riot, Scores Hat-Trick Before Half-Time In Indian Futsal League Game (Video)

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With mortgages and 'leckybills to pay, the likes of Ronaldinho, Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs, Michel Salgado and Hernan Crespo are all out in Chennai at the moment to take part in the inaugural Indian Futsal League tournament.

Old Man Giggs flexedhis silky skillsin Mumbai colours a few days ago, but Sunday saw Ronaldinho go up against Scholes as the former's Goa team took on the latter'sBengaluru side.

Aston Villa’s New Owner, Dr Tony Xia, Falls Foul Of Tasteless Twitter Prank

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By Joseph Viney

Aston Villa owner Dr Tony Jiantong Xia will be getting used to the strange world of English football after purchasing recently-relegated Aston Villa in June.

Not only does he face the monumental task of bringing a demoralised and self-destructive Villa back to life after a humiliating final season in the Premier League, but he also needs to learn that English football fans are a dab hand at making people's lives difficult on Twitter.

Will Grigg Ties With Paul Pogba In UEFA Short-List Of Best Players in Europe

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Demonstrating once again that all football polls should be rendered mootby their very existence, the short-list for the 2015/16 UEFA Best Player in Europe Award has been announced today.

It's been cobbled together by journalists from all 55 UEFA member associations, who were asked to provide a list of their five best players the first receiving five points, the second four points, and so on.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Declares Intentions To Become ‘God Of Manchester’ In Response To Eric Cantona Quip

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Zlatan Ibrahimovic, ever the wallflower, has responded to Eric Cantona's recent decree that there will only ever be one king in Manchester by instead declaring himself a god.

Cantona said thus shortly after Ibrahimovic signed for Manchester United, recordingapersonal message forthe Swedish striker as part of a short, distressingly shirtless video series for Eurosport.

WSL: Arsenal’s Alex Scott Scores Disastrous 40-Yard Own-Goal v Chelsea (Video)

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AtWheatsheaf Park on Sunday, Arsenal Ladies secured a vital 2-1 win away to Chelsea in their WSL London derby. However, the Gunners got off to an awful start, with England full-back Alex Scott netting a howler of an own-goal.

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Scott's 40-yard own-goal came after just eight minutes, with the defender's back pass eluding goalkeeperSari van Veenendaal and ending up in the back of the Arsenal net.

New Arsenal Striker Takuma Asano Cries After Playing Last Game For Sanfreece Hiroshima (Video)

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He may not be the A-Grade striker Arsenal fans have been hoping for, but Japanese hitman Takuma Asano is, for now anyway, Arsene Wenger's only attacking purchase this summer. On Sunday, helined out for Sanfrecce Hiroshima for the very last time, in the J-League clash with Yokohama F.Marinos.

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After the game, which ended 2-2, the 21-year-old gave an emotional farewell speech, struggling to hold in his tears even before he got to speak.

Reeling In The Years: Joe Cole Scores Impressive Overhead Bicycle Kick While Turning Out For Tampa Bay Rowdies (Video)

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Photo: @TampaBayRowdies/Twitter

After managing to wrench himself away from the glitz and glamour of Coventry, Joe Cole joined Tampa Bay Rowdies down in the second tier of the North American football pile back in May.

Now aged 34, Cole defied his iffy knees and creaking hips to prove he can still mix it with the younglings by popping up to stick away a neat little overhead bicycle kick during Saturday's 3-0 win over Puerto Rico FC in the NASL.

Former West Ham, Newcastle & Chelsea Striker Demba Ba Suffers Horrific Leg Break In China (Video)

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Senegalese striker Demba Ba has suffered an horrific leg break whilst playing for Shangai Shenhua in the Chinese Super League on Sunday.

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The former West Ham, Newcastle and Chelsea striker was playing against Shanghai SIPG when he collapsed after a tackle, with his leg bucking horribly underneath him.

MC Hammer: West Ham Kit Launch Descends Into Cringefest With ‘Comedy’ Rap Nonsense (Video)

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West Ham's media team have scored a number of own-goals in the past few seasons, with misjudged Tweets and that dismal Boleyn Groun farewell ceremony. Well, we can now add the club's 2016/17 kit launch to the list of disasters, after a bizarre rap left us wondering what in the name of almighty God we had just witnessed.

‘Yo Sabia’ – Real Madrid Forward Jese Rodriguez Releases Debut Solo Reggaeton Single (Video)

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Fortunately for the rest of humankind, a mix of being permanently injured and/or bench-bound has given Real Madrid forward Jese Rodriguez ample time and opportunity to focus his efforts into launching an extra-curricular music career.

'Doing the Royston Drenthe', as it's known in the trade.

Man Utd Legend Ryan Giggs Rolls Back The Years During Indian Futsal Game (Video)

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Fresh from his stint as a TV pundit during Euro 2016, Ryan Giggs was back in action on the football pitch again, this time lining out for Mumbai in India's Premier Futsal League.

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The 42-year-old Manchester United legend, who left the club's coaching staff this summer, looked sharp during the five-a-side game against Chennai, helping his teammates to a 4-2 victory, which came after they tooka 4-0 lead.

Official: Conte Bags Kanté As Chelsea Sign Leicester Anchorman For £30million

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As expected, Premier League champion N'Golo Kanté has become Chelsea boss Antonio Conte's second signing of the summer, followingMichy Batshuayi to Stamford Bridge for a reported fee of £30million.

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The 25-year-old Kanté was a star performer in Leicester City's shock title victory last season while he also lined out for France at Euro 2016.

Luis Nani Performs Capoeira Routine At His Official Valencia Unveiling Ceremony (Video)

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Photo: @valenciacf/Twitter

As you may recall, Luis Nani managed to bag himself a mid-tournament £8million move to Valencia thanks to a string of impressive performances atEuro 2016.

Well, the La Liga side finally got round to unveiling their new European Championship winner at the Mestalla yesterday, with the Portuguese winger even treating the fans in attendance to a quick demonstration of his capoeira skills.

Kit Clash: Red Bull Salzburg Defender Wears Red Bull Leipzig Shirt During Champions League Qualifier (Photo)

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Red Bull Salzburg managed a 1-0 win overLatvian sideFK Liepaja in the Champions League qualification rounds earlier in the week, though strangely a third club also played a part in the victory.

This was because, due to a packing errorby kit suppliers Nike, Salzburg defender Andreas Ulmer accidentally took the pitch wearing a Red Bull Leipzig shirt.

‘I’m 100% Staying At West Ham’ – Dimitri Payet Insists He Ain’t Going Nowhere Despite Summer Of Speculation

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West Hamare going to be able to hold on to Dimitri Payet for the time being after the French playmaker insisted he's "100%" committed to staying on next season.

After seeing his stock soar on the back of a goal-laden maiden season withthe Hammers and an impressive showing at Euro 2016, rumoured potential suitors were rife as the likes of PSG, Barcelona and Inter Milan were all linked in passing.

Newcastle’s New 2016/17 Away Shirt Is Really Rather Nice Apart From The One Obvious Blemish (Photos)

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Newcastle have unfurled the shirt that they'll be wearing on their travels in the Championship this season and, dare we say, it's a bit of a bloomin' looker.

The deep navy shirt features a smart button-down collar as well as a 'flame orange' band emblazoned across the chest, in which squatsthe proverbial fly in the ointment that sponsor.

Reports: N’Golo Kante’s £30m Move From Leicester City To Chelsea Is A Done Deal

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We're still a way off anything being made official, but reports emanating from France today are claiming that N'Golo Kante's move to Chelsea is pretty much a done deal.

According to RMC's chief football writer Mohamed Bouhafsi, the €36million (approx £30million) move has been signed off, with Kante joining the Blues in a long-term deal.

La Liga Have A Brand New Trophy And They’d Very Much Like To Show It To You (Photos)

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Photo: @LaLiga/Twitter

As you may or may not have noticed, the Spanish top flight have been busy rebranding themselves over the summer.

Much in the same vein astheir English counterparts, La Liga have been busy streamlining their marque, first dropping long-time sponsors BBVA from their official league name.

Shhh! Quiet Please: Pumas UNAM’s Glorious New Golden Kits Inspired By Local Library (Photos)

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With their Thundercats crest and their svelte navy/gold club colours, Mexican side Pumas UNAM are well versed in knocking out utterly sublime kits.

Indeed, their latest batch for the 2016Apertura campaign are no exceptions, with both the home and away jerseys positively dripping with unctuous golden goodness.

Official: England U21 Winger Jordan Ibe Moves From Liverpool To Bournemouth In £15m Deal

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Liverpool winger Jordan Ibe has joined Bournenouth in a four-year deal for a reported fee of £15million, a club record for the Cherries.

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The 20-year-old made a total of 58 appearances for the Reds after moving from Wycombe Wanderers in 2011, but only managed 12 league starts in 2015/16.

Hard To Stomach: Barcelona-Based Broadcasters TV3 Airbrush Out Cristiano Ronaldo’s Six-Pack

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Catalan TV station TV3 have been caught Photoshopping out Cristiano Ronaldo's fine set of abs in a rather bizarre (and pathetic) example of the ridiculous animosity between the followers of La Liga rivals Barcelona and Real Madrid.

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In a report on Euro 2016 winner Ronaldo, TV3 showed a photo of the Portuguese superstar, shirtless (as usual) but also six-pack-less.

Close Encounter: Edin Dzeko Scores Fours Times As Roma Just About Sneak Past AC Pinzolo With 16-0 Victory In Pre-Season Friendly (Highlights)

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Photo: @ASRomaEN/Twitter

After spending the last few days gearing up at a fitness camp in the alpine ski resort of Pinzolo, Roma kicked their pre-season calendar off with a friendly against the local side, AC Pinzolo.

What followed what a tense and nervy encounter that the Serie A big boys just about managed to pip 16-0, with Edin Dzeko helping himself to four goals before half-time.

Shank You And Goodnight: Serbian Defender Zarko Udovicic Scores Exquisite Own-Goal From Acute Angle (Video)

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If you thought David Luiz's own-goal against West Brom was a cool, composed finish then wait till you witness this little beauty, as notched bySerbiandefender Zarko Udovicic.

Turning out for Polish sideZaglebie Sosnowiec in a pre-season friendly, Udovicic found himself under pressure out down in the left-hand corner of the pitch.

A Vision In Charcoal: Bayern Munich’s New Adidas 2016/17 Away Kit Is Rather Elegant (Photos)

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Adidas have unveiled the brand new away kit that Bayern Munich will be wearing on the road this coming season, returning to ablack/grey palette after several years of predominantly white change strips.

The nifty kit, which Carlo Ancelotti's mob will wear for the first time in this Saturday's pre-season friendly againstLippstadt, features a sash design in three shadesof grey with bright red trim applied hither and thither.

Shit Football Kits: Hearts’ New ‘Primrose Yellow And Pink’ Away Strip Is Truly Diabolical (Photos)

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That steaming pile of horse muckyou see before you isn't actually a photo of Hearts' diabolical new away kit, but it may as well be.

The actual kit is a homage to theEarl of Rosebery, whobecame Prime Minister in 1894, served aspresident of the Scottish Football Association and who also remains Honorary President of Hearts to this very day.

15 Big-Named Foreign Players You Might Have Forgotten Played In The Premier League

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As part of Pies' ongoing mini nostalgia-fest, we thought we'd follow up our compendiumof elderlyfootballers still plugging away out thereby cobbling together a list of some of the big names whose Premier League exploits may have slipped from your consciousness over time.

Let's delve in, starting with the man in the photo above.

Brazil Nut: PSG’s David Luiz Nets Ridiculous Own-Goal In Friendly v West Brom (Video)

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David Luiz rarely fails to entertain, does he? During PSG's pre-season friendly with West Brom on Wednesday, the hairy Brazil nut was at it again, this time scoring a right mess of an own-goal.

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The game with the Baggies, which was played in Austria, was only 15 minutes old when the 29-year-old, sporting an interesting new ponytail hairdo failed to deal with a cross from PSG's left, prodding it past his own 'keeper Kevin Trapp rather than staying on his feet and clearing the ball.

‘My Position Is Unsustainable’ – Liverpool Fan Colin Murray Quits Talksport After News Corp Buy Out

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Broadcaster and Liverpool fan Colin Murray has decided to leave his Talksport morning radio show in the wake of its parent company's buy out by News Corp, who own The Sun.

The 39-year-oldexplained on Twitter that, due to The Sun's infamous Hillsborough coverage, he would be unable to work for a company linked to the newspaper.

Football Art: Case Jernigan Knocks Out Brilliant Retrospective Animation Of Euro 2016 Highlights (Video)

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US-based animator Case Jernigan (@off_foot) is fast becoming something of a favourite here on Pies, having previously delighted us with his stop-motion renditions ofLionel Messi's famous Copa del Rey goal, Zizou's volley against Leverkusen and even the entire history of association football (here, here and here).

Diego Maradona Reveals Hatred For ‘The Simpsons’ On Argentinian Chat Show Before Squabbling With Actor Who Provides Homer’s Latin Voice

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Photo: NurPhoto/Getty Images

Diego Maradona managed to get himself into a bit of a quarrel on an Argentinian chat showrecently when he made the frankly unforgivable mistake of bad-mouthing The Simpsons live on air.

Prattling on about the "awful" state of modern television, Maradona singled out The Simpsons for particular scorn, repeatedly stating for the record that he "hates" the programme and as a result "just can't watch it" (if he's talking about anything post-season 10/11, then we're inclined to agree).

Celtic Suffer ‘Worst Defeat In Club’s History’ In Brendan Rodgers’ First Match In Charge (Highlights)

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"I look forward to disgracing this as soon as possible..."

Celtic sufferedwhat is widely being referred to asthe 'worst defeat in the club's history' in Brendan Rodgers' first game in charge last night, slumping to a 1-0 defeat against Gibraltar's finest, Lincoln Red Imps, in a Champions League qualifier.

Portugal Tourism Board Invite ‘Distraught France Fan’ And ‘Little Portuguese Lad’ To Come And Visit

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The Portuguese tourism board have gone out of their way to rewardtwo of Euro 2016's most prevalent starsfor their exemplary conduct in the aftermath of the final.

We are of course talking about the utterly devastated France fan and the little Portugal-supporting lad who wandered over to console himin the Paris fanzone after the final whistle.

‘They Have An Average Crowd Of 28’ – Sky Sports News Broadcast Completely Fabricated ‘Facts’ About Gibraltan Part-Timers Lincoln Red Imps (Video)

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Photo via Sky Sports

Sky Sports News dropped a sizeable clanger on Wednesdaymorning when they decided to forgo a precursory fact check and simply bang out a segment on Celtic's dismal Champions League defeatthat was chock full of what's known in the trade as 'utter bollocks'.

In the wake of the shock result, SSN picked apart Celtic's part-time Gibraltan overlords, the Lincoln Red Imps, dissecting their team, their players and their domestic standing.

Much Eder About Nothing: Portugal’s Euro 2016 Final-Winning Goal Scorer To Write His Autobiography

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Having gone from being shambolically rubbish for Swansea to winning the European Championship for Portugal in the space of six months, Eder has decided that the time is right for him to write his autobiography.

The news was revealed by Dr Susana Torres, the sport psychologist whohas been working withEder to help the striker overcome his doubts.

Introducing New Tottenham Striker Vincent Janssen And His Olympic Medal-Winning Mum

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Photo: Tottenham Hotspur FC/Getty Images

We've done a little digging and it turns out new Tottenham striker Vincent Janssen has quite the family sporting pedigree. His mum, Annemarie Verstappen, is a multiple Olympic medal-winning swimmer.

She won a silver and two bronze medals for freestyle swimming at the 1985 Los Angeles Olympics.

Euro 2016: Zoltan Gera’s Low Drive Against Portugal Officially Named Best Goal Of Tournament

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Zoltan Gera's opener in the group-stage thriller between Hungary and Portugal has been officially voted as the best goal scored at Euro 2016.

The match eventually finished 3-3, though it was Gera's 19th-minute daisy-mulching drivethat sparked the whole kit and caboodle into life.

Hmmm.

Arsenal: Thierry Henry Leaves Arsenal Coaching Role After Wenger Ultimatum Over Sky Sports Work

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Thierry Henry has left his coaching role with Arsenal after Arsene Wenger out his foot down over his media work with Sky Sports.

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Gunners' legend Henry was working as a youth coach with the club as part of his UEFA A Licence course. However, his lucrative punditry work with Sky bothered Wenger who ultimately told his former star to choose one or the other.

Euro 2016: Scratch That, Antoine Griezmann Is Your Official UEFA Player Of The Tournament

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Remember what we said about Dimitri Payet being named Player of the Tournament at Euro 2016? Well, you can go ahead and forget it.

Turns out Pies, like several other sites, got all confuzzled by the same press statement emitted by UEFA in which they appeared to ordain Payet as their player of the tournament by way of finishing on top of their special 'performance barometer'.

The BBC Euro 2016 Closing Montage Was A Work Of Nigh-On Perfection (Video)

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With the tournament done and dusted, the BBC once again delivered with the final montage they cobbled together, somehow managing to make a slightly duff tournament seem like a slow-motion, high-resolution theatre of fraught lowsand operatic highs.

The choice of song was perhaps a little predictable, 'Heroes' by David Bowie, but at least the Beeb opted to use the 'chantéen Francais' version to give it that littleje ne sais quoi.

Blasts From The Past: 20 Former Premier League Footballers You Probably Won’t Believe Are Still Playing

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With the shock news today that Alex Manninger has been training with Liverpool with a permanent deal on the cards, we thought we'd scout around and cobble together a list of some of the other ageing ex-Premier League pros that you assumed retired years ago but are in fact still plugging away out there.

Official: Tottenham Finally Get Their Hands On Vincent Janssen In £17m Deal (Photo)

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Photo: @OfficialSpurs/Twitter

It had been rumbling on for weeks while AZ Alkmaar played hard ball over their prizedasset, but today Tottenham have finally secured the signing of striker Vincent Janssen for a fee of £17million.

The Dutch poacher, who scored 27 goals in 34 games for AZ and broke into the Netherlands national side last season, joins Spurs on a four-year contract, subject to international clearance.

Bradford Sign Goalkeeper Colin Doyle From Blackpool After Activating His £1 Release Clause

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Photo: @officialbantams/Twitter

It's being reported that Bradford City have parted with the princely sum of one English pound to sign goalkeeper Colin Doyle from Blackpool.

According to The Guardian, Bradford activated a £1 relegation clause in Doyle's Blackpool contract after the Tangerines dropped down to League Two at the end of last season.

Romania Legend Gheorghe Hagi, 51, Tucks Away Beautifully Nonchalant Volley During Viitorul Practice Match (Video)

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You probably don't need us to tell you that Gheorghe Hagi was a bit of a dab hand at this football malarkey back in his day.

Since knocking his exalted playing career on the head, the seven-time Romanian footballer of the year moved into management, eventually ending up founding, owning and coaching his own club, Viitorul Constanta.

Euro 2016: Ex-Porto Striker Benni McCarthy Goes Nuts On South African TV After Eder’s Winning Goal (Video)

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Whilethe dust settles on Sunday night's surprise Euro 2016 final victory for Portugal, this clip of ex-South African international Benni McCarthy is well worth a watch.

Working as a pundit on South African television, the former Porto star had tipped the Portugueseat the start of the tournament to go all the way.

Pies’ Pick: The 10 Most Impressive Players At Euro 2016

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Whereas UEFA have seen fit to crown Dimitri Payet as their player of the tournament, Pies thought we'd take the time to credit a few of the other players that have impressed us in one capacity or another over the duration of Euro 2016.

Just so you're aware, we've deliberately eschewed the likes of Antoine Griezmann, Paul Pogba, Gigi Buffon and Gareth Bale, who have already had their fair share of the plaudits.

Euro 2016: Adorable Scenes As Young Portuguese Fan Consoles Weeping France Supporter (Video)

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Watching Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal lift the European Championship trophy in Paris last night proved too much for one particular France fan, who struggled valiantly but ultimately failed to stave off the waterworkswhile watching on in the Fan Zone.

However, as the France supporter blubbed away in his own little private bubbleof pain, it was quickly pricked by the actions of a young Portuguese samiratan, who wandered over to the bloke and extended a consolatoryhand of friendship.

Sam Allardyce To Be Interviewed By The FA For The England Manager Vacancy

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"Hello Sam? It's Greg Dyke here the man responsible for bringing Roland Rat to our screens..."

It's being widely reported that the FA are set to interview Sam Allardyce for the vacant England manager's job at some stage this week.

Following a two-week consultation period after the departure of Roy Hodgson, the FA have identified Allardyce as the strongest candidate among the pool of available Englishmen.

The BIG Question: Was Euro 2016 Really That Good?

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It's done. Euro 2016 is finished, over and done with, done and finished with, finished and over with. Done. Now we can talk about it.

Did you actually enjoy it? Pies can't quite convince ourselves either way. Wales and Iceland aside, the group stages were generally passable with odd moments of genuine drama.

Euro 2016: Dimitri Payet Named Player Of The Tournament After Finishing Top Of UEFA’s Stat Barometer

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Dimitri Payet has been named as the best player at Euro 2016 after finishing the tournament on top ofUEFA's 'player barometer', i.e, the aggregator they've usedto process performance statistics since day one.

Payet got off to a flying start be scoringthe winning goal for France in the opening match against Romania, scoring twice more in Les Bleus' run to the final.

Sickened By Success: Real Madrid Hardman Pepe Throws Up After Portugal’s Euro 2016 Win (Video)

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He may not be the most likable footballer around, but on Sunday night in Paris, Pepe once again showed why he is one of the best defenders in the game, with an outstanding display against France. His superb performance was a key factor in Portugal's unexpected victory, with the Real Madrid star getting all emotional (and pukey) at the final whistle.

Snapshot: Portugal Are Euro 2016 Champions!

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We'll have more reaction as and when, but for now simply know this: PORTUGAL HAVE WON EURO 2016 their first major international honour.

A single goal from substitute Eder was enough to settle what proved to be a largely flat final, with hosts France left to rue what might have been after Portugal (who lost Cristiano Ronaldo to an early knee injury) pipped it in extra time with what felt like their first shot on target.

Euro 2016: Cristiano Ronaldo Gets Excited On Bench, Punches Team-Mate On Leg (Video)

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Despite being forced off with injury within 24 minutes of the start of the Euro 2016 final, Cristiano Ronaldo, unsurprisingly, remained an excitable chap on the Portuguese bench throughout the game.

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At one point, Ronaldo, frustrated by his team's play, punched Adrien Silva's leg, which didn't impress his team-mate.

Euro 2016 Final: France Fluff Lines As Hard-Working Portugal Lift Trophy In Paris (Photos & Highlights)

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Ahead of the Euro 2o16 final, the Stade De France was visited upon by a plague of moths (after the lights had been left on all night). However, for most of the subsquent 120 minutes of play, the moths provided more entertainment than the players on the pitch. Still, it would all end with France fluffing their lines in front of their home fans while Portugal would finally lift a major trophy.

Cristiano Ronaldo’s Euro 2016 Final Ends In Cruel, Moth-Faced Agony As Injury Forces Portugal Star Off Early (Photos)

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It wasn't as the prophecy foretold. Cristiano Ronaldo's Euro 2016 final came to a wincing, tear-strewn, moth-faced ended in the 25th minute after a knee injury forced him off the field prematurely.

Having powered a fairly limited Portugal to the final, the stage was set for Ronaldo to go a-leaping over that one remaininghurdle and get his hands on the trophy he so fervently craves.

Lilywhite Lovelies: Six Of The Best Classic Tottenham Shirts

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A new kit launch always prompts fierce debate, and this week's launch of the new Tottenham kits was no different. Initial reaction was that the navy second kit was the best of the bunch, with the yellowy/gold-ish third shirt attracting flak.

One of the kinder observations was that it would make the players look like giant Caramac bars, while one Twitterwag wondered whether the 10 stripes represented the number of hours it takes to get served a half-time pint at White Hart Lane.

Euro 2016: Wales Charged By UEFA For Celebrating On The Pitch With Their Children

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Wales have been charged by UEFA for the heinous crime of allowing their children onto the pitch to celebrate their success at Euro 2016.

The Welsh FA have confirmed that they have been sanctioned after the little hoodlums ran amok after Wales' victories over Northern Ireland in the last 16 and Belgium in the quarter-finals.

L’Hotline Bling: Euro 2016 Star Antoine Griezmann Explains Goal Celebration With Tweet To Drake (Video)

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Antoine Griezmann has proved to be one of the stars of Euro 2016, with the French forward currently leading the goal charts courtesy of six strikes so far. Those goals, including a match-winning two in the semi-final against Germany, has given us ample opportunities to experience his rather dodgy phone-fiddling goal celebrations.

‘We Are All Messi’ – Barcelona Launch Questionable Twitter Campaign To Support Lionel Messi Over Tax Fraud Conviction

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Barcelona have launched a bizarre and somewhat misplaced social media campaign asking fans to show their support for Lionel Messi, following his appeal against a 21-month prison sentence for tax fraud.

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The Argentine superstar and his father were found guilty of tax evasion last week in Barcelona, with the courtesy finding them guilty of three counts of dodging tax amounting to a whopping 4.

Emotional Wales Fan Bursts Into Tears While Discussing Euro 2016 On Radio Phone-In (Audio)

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Having had their Euro 2016 fairytale unceremoniously nixed by Portugal at the semi stage, Wales have been left to take stock of what was, what is and what very nearly might have been.

It's been an emotional few weeks, especially for the fans, who watched their team surpass all expectations while bringing an entire nation together.

Slick As You Like: Tottenham Unveil All Their New 2016/17 Kits In One Fell Swoop (Photo & Video)

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Photo: @SpursOfficial/Twitter

Rather than eking it out for weeks on end, Tottenham have had the good grace to release all of their new kits for 2016/17 in one fell swoop.

On showare thehome (white), away (navy) and third (Caramac-coloured) outfield strips as well as a couple of new 'keeper kits thrown in for good measure.

Official: Liverpool Boss Jurgen Klopp Signs Enormous New Six-Year Contract

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Jurgen Klopp hasfully committed to Liverpool for the long haul today after signing a massive new six-year contract extension.

The German, who only signedhis first Liverpool contract last October, is now fully pledgedup until the year of our lord 2022as a reward for winning the leaguewinning the FA Cupwinning the League Cupfinishing in the top fourfinishing in the top sixbeing himself.

Marcelo Bielsa Resigns As Lazio Manager Just Two Days After Taking The Job

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Marcelo Bielsa has resigned from his post as Lazio manager just two days after agreeing to take the job in the first place.

According to Italian news agency ANSA,Bielsa was expected to fly out to Rome this coming weekend after his contract was registered with the Italian League on the first day of July.

Euro 2016 Horror Hair: Ricardo Quaresma Opts For Intricate New ‘Do Ahead Of Final (Photo)

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With the big finale of Euro 2016 coming up on Sunday evening, Ricardo Quaresma has gone out and got himself a special new haircut especially for the occasion.

As you may have guessed, it's hardly what you'd call an understatedaffair, with bet-makers Coral assessing that the veteran winger has opted to have one of theolive leaves from Portugal's national coat of arms shaved and peroxided into the back of his head.

Euro 2016: Incredible Scenes As French Fans At Eiffel Tower Celebrate Griezmann Goals v Germany (Video)

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A brace from Antoine Griezmann fired France into the final of Euro 2016 on Thursday evening in Marseille, after a heavyweight clash with world champions Germany. Not surprisingly, fans of Les Bleus in Paris were rather pleased with the result.

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At the fan zone by the Eiffel Tower, fans went crazy when Griezmann's decisive goals hit the back of the net.

Euro 2016: Hosts France Through To Final After 2-0 Win v Misfiring Germans (Photos & Highlights)

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Hosts France weathered a first-half storm against Germany to run out 2-0 winners in the Euro 2016 semi-final in Marseille, a result which sets up an intriguing final clash with Portugal on Sunday.

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Germany utterly bossed the first-half, but despite the scheming of Mesut Ozil and Toni Kroos, the lack of an in-form striker proved crucial.

The Euro Story: France Do The Double At Euro 2000, Portugal Implode And England… Let’s Not Go There

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The 11th European Championships marked another revolutionary first as Belgium and the Netherlands stepped up to the plate as co-hosts.

The competitionwas again contested by 16 nations and they delivered what, in this writer's humble opinion, was one of the finest tournaments of all time.

With their Golden Generation now fully matured, Portugal stormed through Group A, winning all three games.

There Was A Very Good Reason Portugal And Wales Both Played In Their Away Kits Last Night

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If, like Pies, you couldn't help but wonder why both Portugal and Wales took to the field in their away kitslast night, then wonder no more.

Indeed, we immediately assumed the motive was simply financial, but it sotranspiresthat there was actually a very good reason both nations wore their change strips.

Palermo Unveil Their New Kits In Style, On Stage At The Magnificent Teatro Massimo (Photos)

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The stunning Teatro Massimo in Palermo

Thanks toa recently-signed commercial partnership, Palermo have been afforded the opportunity to stage one of the grandest kit unveiling ever seen.

The Serie A club recently buddied up with the foundation that owns the magnificent Teatro Massimo the grand old opera house that has sat in thePiazza Verdi in Palermo since 1897 and setting for the final scenes ofThe Godfather Part III.

Bosnian Bloke Picks Everton As English Team Of Choice After Emailing All 92 Clubs And Waiting For Their Replies

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Your captain, Mo Besic, welcomes you aboard

Allow us, if you will, to furnish you with the tale of Bosnian football fanatic AldinKarabeg who, in his desperate search for an English team to adopt as his own, simply emailedall 92 league clubs and waited for their response.

In the end, Aldinreceived but 10 replies, with Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal, Crystal Palace, Southampton, Stoke City, Ipswich, Cambridge United and Barnet all piping up to thank him for his interest.

Copa America: Lionel Messi’s Missed Penalty Ball To Be Sold For Over €27,000

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The very ball that Lionel Messi lashed over the crossbar in the shoot-out at the end of the Copa America final is all set to make one enterprising football fan a whole metric sh*t-tonof money.

Argentina went on to lose out to Chile for the second time in successive finals, spurringan emotional Messi to announce his international retirement in the immediate aftermath.

Euro 2016: Cheeky Ballboy Takes Selfie With Cristiano Ronaldo, Poses In Portugal Team Photo (Video)

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After Portugal's 2-0 semi-final win against Wales on Wednesday, star of the show Cristiano Ronaldo was once again in demand, with one very cheeky ball boy really pushing his luck.

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While Ronaldo was celebrating at the final whistle, the ball boy at theParc Olympique Lyonnais saw his chance to get a cheeky selfie with the great man.

Euro 2016: Welsh Dream Ended By Cristiano Ronaldo As Portugal Win 2-0 In Lyon (Photos & Highlights)

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Wales' outstanding Euro 2016 campaign came to a crashing halt in Lyon on Wednesday, with Chris Coleman's side beaten 2-0 by Portugal.

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Without the services of suspended duo Aaron Ramsey and Ben Davies, Wales started brightly against the Portuguese, with Gareth Bale a constant threat in the first-half.

Official: Henrikh Mkhitaryan Finally Unveiled By Man Utd, Sets New Premier League Record On His First Day (Photo)

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Photo: Manchester United

It's been in the can for over a week but today Manchester United finally got round to officially swearing in Henrikh Mkhitaryan as one of their own.

The Armenian forward, 24, has signed a four-year contract at Old Trafford, having joined from Borussia Dortmund in a deal worth around £26million.

The Euro Story: Three Lions, Gazza’s Goal, Psycho’s Penalty – Football Comes Home And Then Swiftly Leaves Again At Euro 1996

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The tenth European Championships saw football come home, at least if you were willing to buy into the tournament slogan.

England were on hosting duties as the finals expanded into the format we're more familiar with today 16 teams competing in four groups across eight cities, before two knockout stages and a final, at Wembley on this occasion.

Swansea: New Signing Mike Van Der Hoorn Once Scored A Stunning Own-Goal For FC Utrecht (Video)

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Photo: @SwansOfficial/Twitter

The bloke holding the Swansea City shirt aloft you see up there is Mike van der Hoorn, who has just joined the Welsh club from Ajax in a deal worth€2.5million.

The 23-year-old, a former Netherlands U21 international, arrives from the Eredivisie with adecent reputation for being a tough, reliable young centre-half who seems to be improving year on year.

Russia Players Punished By Clubs After Blowing €250k On Champagne After Euro 2016 Exit

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Russian international duoAleksandr Kokorin and Pavel Mamaev have both been punished by their respective clubs after footage emerged of the two players supposedly blowing their way through€250,000 of champagne shortly after Russia's inglorious Euro 2016 exit.

According to RT, Kokorin and Mamaev spent a fortune buying 500 bottles ofArmand de Brignac for everyone in the Twiga nightclub in Monte Carlo.

Euro 2016 Art: Minimalist Illustrator Creates ‘Line Map’ Diagram Of Hal Robson-Kanu’s Goal Against Belgium (Photo)

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We're not going to pretend for a single moment that there is anyway on Earth to improve upon Hal Robson-Kanu's masterful goal for Wales in their Euro 2016 quarter-final win overBelgium.

However, graphic designerRick Hincks (known professionally as Rincks) has come as close as humanly possible with his cracking minimalist take on HRK's Belgian-bamboozling belter.

Inter Milan’s New Kit Is Drop Dead Gorgeous, Sees Return Of Yellow ‘Pirelli’ Sponsor (Photos)

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Incey's not impressed. He's seen it all before

Inter Milan have unveiled their new kit for 2016/17 today and, by criminy, it's an achingly handsome affair.

Bedecked in traditional nerazzurri stripes, the home kitsees the return ofyellow, as opposed to white, trim hence the return of the yellow Pirelli sponsor, not seen since it graced the front of 2008/09's home shirt.

Lionel Messi Handed 21-Month Prison Sentence After Being Found Guilty Of Tax Fraud

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Lionel Messi has been sentenced to 21 months in prison after being found guilty on three counts of tax fraud by a court in Barcelona.

Messi, along with his father Jorge, were on trial accused of defrauding the Spanish government of€4.1million (£3.5million) between 2007 and 2009.

The court heard thatthe Barca superstar used shell companies in Belize and Uruguay to conceal vast swathes of earnings relating to his image rights.

‘He’s Too Horizontal To Be World Class’ – Fabien Barthez Picks Apart Joe Hart’s Sub Standard Diving Technique

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Having failed to stop a couple of shots at Euro 2016, Joe Hart's position as thetippy-top goalkeeper for club and country is once again being heavily debated.

Indeed, the latest to stick his oar in is one Fabien Barthez, with the former France No.1arguing thatHart's sub par diving technique and questionable athleticism have left him lagging behind the likes of Manuel Neuer, Thibaut Courtois and Hugo Lloris in the 'world class' stakes.

Southampton’s New Under Armour Kit Is A Mid-1990s Throwback, Which Is Definitely A Good Thing! (Photos)

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Photo: Southampton FC/Under Armour

What you're looking at there is Southampton's brand new home kit for 2016/17, the very first offering of their seven-year partnership deal with Under Armour.

As you can see, it's a suitably stripy affair with just a hint of a nod to themost glamorous, stylish and refined era of football kit design, the mid-1990s.

The Euro Story: Denmark Enter As Wild Cards And Emerge Victorious While England Get Bogged Down With Swedes And Turnips At Euro 1992

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The 1992 European Championship finals saw the first appearance of a team representing a unified Germany. The huge political changes sweeping Europe also led to the expulsion of Yugoslavia just a week before the tournament began in Sweden. Denmark, fatefully, were selected to take their place.

The opening game saw hosts Sweden give France an almighty fright by taking an early lead and exposing a fragility and lack of organisation amid the ranks of Les Bleus.

Official: Crystal Palace Take James Tomkins Off West Ham’s Hands For 10 Million Smackeroos

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Photo: @CPFC/Twitter

Crystal Palace's big summer spluff-a-thon continues apace with news that they've paid £10million to take James Tomkins off West Ham's hands.

Doesn't he look positively overwhelmed with joy? That's the unmistakable face of a man who has just left the only club he's ever known (he joined The Hammers' youth team in 1997, aged seven).

FIFA Proudly Announce The Cheapest Ticket For 2018 World Cup Will Cost A Mere £80

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As part oftheir ongoing commitment to keepfootball accessible to all, FIFA have proudly announced that the cheapest match ticket at the 2018 World Cup in Russia will cost a mere $105 (roughly £80).

FIFA have rolled out their pricing structure for the 2018 tournament today, with the following ticket prices applying to overseas fans.

Euro 2016: Spoilsports UEFA Clamp Down On Welsh Players Bringing Kids Onto Pitch For Post-Match Celebrations

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Ahead of Wales' historic Euro 2016 semi-final clash with Portugal, UEFA have warned the Welsh players about allowing their children onto the pitch for post-match celebrations.

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In what has been an incredible tournament for Chris Coleman's side, the jubilant players have celebrated their victories on the pitch with their families, with the young kids indulging in cute, harmless kickabouts.

‘It Hurts To See Lionel In Tears’ – Cristiano Ronaldo Has Sympathetic Response To Messi’s Argentina Predicament

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Photo: Nur Photo/Getty Images

Despite the pair being sworn mortal enemies, Cristiano Ronaldo has offered a sympathetic take on Lionel Messi's current international predicament.

Indeed, Ronaldo has admitted that it pained him to see Messi in tears after Argentina successfully upheld their 23-year trophy-less streak by losing out to Chile in the Copa America.

Man Utd: Jose Mourinho Assures Mascot ‘Fred The Red’ That He Still Has An Important Role At The Club

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A strange, shiny-faced cartoon character accompanies Fred the Red around Old Trafford

It hasn't takenJose Mourinho long to start making his mark at Manchester United, with the new bossspendingover £60million in his first couple of months to bring in the likes of Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Eric Bailly and Henrikh Mkhitaryan.

Man Utd: Jose Mourinho Confirms Wayne Rooney Will Not Be Playing In Midfield Again Any Time Soon

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"Just hurry up and take the picture. I've got a tuna panini on the go over there."

Jose Mourinho has addressed the press for the first time as Manchester United manager this morning.

The chatter covered many bases, but by far the most entertaining segmentwas Mourinho's thoughts on Wayne Rooney's role in future proceedings.

Euro 2016: One Last ‘Viking Clap’ As Iceland Fans Welcome Home Their Heroes (Video)

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Iceland's fearlesssquad returned home from their magnificent Euro 2016 adventure to a well-deserved heroes' welcome.Lars Lagerback and Heimir Hallgrímsson's side enjoyed an unprecedented run in the competition, making it all the way to the last eight before hosts France proved just too good for the Euro-minnows.

Man City: Pep Guardiola Sits Down With Noel Gallagher, Dumbfounds Him With Love For Coldplay And James Blunt (Video)

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"She smiled at me on the subway, she was with another man..."

As part of his ongoing Man City orientation programme, the club putPep Guardiola through his paces with an introductory face-to-face with Noel Gallagher.

The subject matterwas wide-reaching, with Gallagher grilling the new boss about the motivation behind his move to the Premier League, his thoughts on the new Man City club crest and just how close he came to signing for City as a player.

The Euro Story: Van Basten Volleys Netherlands To Victory As Euro 1988 Goes Dutch

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While the finals of Euro 1988 were played out in West Germany, the tournament ended up belonging to one of the great Netherlands teams of all time.

Indeed, the seemingly eternal rivalry between the two nations provided a constant backdrop to the tournament.

The eight nations to make the final stages were Italy, Denmark, Spain, England, USSR, Holland and the Republic of Ireland, along with host nation West Germany, whose fearsome side featured the likes of Lothar Matthaus and Jurgen Klinsmann.

Euro 2016: Media Artist Captures Chaos Of Germany-Italy Shoot-Out By Splicing Every Penalty Into Same Video

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You may be labouring under the illusion that the penalty shoot-out between Germany and Italy couldn't possibly get any more chaotic.

Well, German media artistKurt Prödel (@KurtProedel) is here to prove that that isn't strictly so.

In fact, for the purposes of whimsy,Prödel has taken the time to splice all nine of Germany's penalties into the same clip of footage, just to emphasise the sheer spectrum of spot-kickson show.

Chris Smalling Taken To Hospital After Suffering ‘Freak Head Injury’ While On Holiday In Bali (Photo)

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Just when Chris Smalling though his summer couldn't get any worse, it's been reported that the Manchester United defender ended up in hospital after doing himself a wrong'nwhile on holiday in Indonesia.

According to Manchester Evening News writerSamuel Luckhurst, Smalling suffered a "freak" injury while on his jollies in Bali, JUST 146 HOURS after England crashed out of Euro 2016 to Iceland.

‘I Didn’t Mean To Insult Neuer’ – Graziano Pelle Apologises To All Of Italy For Wretched Penalty Against Germany

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Graziano Pelle has taken the time to apologise to the entire Italian nation for filing atruly wretched penalty kick during the Azzurri's Euro 2016 quarter-final shoot-out defeat to Germany.

Pelle's woefulmiss was madeall the worse by his little display of hubris before the kick, withthe striker instructing Manuel Neuer that he was planning to dink the ball down the middle by way of a cocky hand gesture.

Man City Reveal New 2016/17 Home Kit Complete With New Club Crest (Photos)

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That man there is Pep Guardiola. He is Manchester City's new manager and he is sat in front of the brand new strip his team will be wearing as of the start of the 2016/17 Premier League season.

In-keeping with the general theme, the kit will be the first to feature City's brand new badge which, you may notice, looks an awful lot like their old badge in many ways.

Chris Gunter To Deliver Best Man’s Speech Via Skype After Wales’ Euro 2016 Run Causes Him To Miss Brother’s Wedding

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Wales' sensational performanceat Euro 2016 hasn't all been lollipops and candypebbles, with the extended nature of their run to the semi-finals causing untold uproar for many concerned.

Firstly, we saw left-back Neil Taylor having to miss out on a Beyoncé concertin Cardiff that happened to fall on the night of Wales' quarter-final against Belgium.

Euro 2016: France Set Up Classic Semi-Final Clash With Germany After Battering Iceland 5-2 (Photos & Highlights)

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Hosts France flexed their muscles in impressive style on Sunday night, giving the neutralsfavourites Iceland a good old spanking in Paris. The result also made England's exit at the hands of the Icelandic side look all the more dismal.

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Didier Deschamps gave a debut to centre-halfSamuel Umtiti, who replaced the suspended Adil Rami, while Newcastle's Moussa Sissoko came in for N'Golo Kanté.

Euro 2016: German FA Produce Slightly Odd Video Recap Of Shoot-Out Win Against Italy

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Against Italy on Saturday night, Germany once again prevailed in a penalties shoot-out, albeit after a few uncharacteristically poor spot-kicks of their own. Still, the world champions are through to the last four of Euro 2016, with the German FA releasing a rather strange, if charming, little video to commemorate the drama in Bordeaux.

The Euro Story: France Dominate On Home Soil As Michel Platini Lights Up Euro 1984

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For the 1984 European Championships, further tweaksto the structure were introduced, with UEFA bringing the competition format into line with that of the World Cup finals.

What we ended up with were straight knockout semi-finals for the top two countries from each final group, with the third-place play-off being ditched entirely.

Official: Michy Batshuayi Becomes Antonio Conte’s First Buy As Chelsea Boss (Photos)

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A day after Antonio Conte saw his Italy side dumped out of Euro 2016 by Germany, the new Chelsea boss oversaw his first signing for the Blues, withMichy Batshuayi from Marseille on a five-year contract.

The 22-year-old Batshuayi was a bright spark in a disappointing 2015/16 campaign for Marseille, netting 23 goals for the club.

Euro 2016: Simone Zaza Fluffs Penalty After Bizarre Run-Up As Germany Beat Italy In Dramatic Last Eight Shootout (Video)

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Germany booked their place in the semi-finals of Euro 2016, after beating Italy 6-5 in an incredible penalty shoot-out. Mesut Ozil had given the Germans the lead on 65 minutes, only for Leonardo Bonucci to equalise from the penalty spot after a handball from Jerome Boateng.

A tense 30 minutes of extra-time failed to see a winner emerge, leading to an amazing penalty shoot-out which produced some of the worst spot-kicks seen for some time, with sub Simone Zaza's effort memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Euro 2016: Belgium Fans Give ‘Guard Of Honour’ To Welsh Supporters After Quarter-Final Clash (Video)

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Despite those infamous early altercations between English and Russian fans, Euro 2016 has seen many fine examples of good-natured football supporting, with the Irish fans a particular joy. However, after Wales's historic quarter-final win on Friday, it was the turn of the losing Belgian fans to indulge in some superb sporting behaviour.

Chelsea Dud Radamel Falcao Cost £1.46m Per Shot On Target And £57k Per Touch Of The Ball

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Not that it came as much of a surprise, but Chelsea confirmed on Friday that they would not be pursuingthe option to sign Radamel Falcao after the Colombian striker's loan at Stamford Bridge expired.

Falcao spent the whole of last season with the Blues but his impact was limited to 12 appearances (10 in the Premier League), amassing a paltry228 minutes on the pitch and scoring just one goal in that time.

Euro 2016: Wales’ Team Photographer Was A Strong Contender For ‘Man Of The Match’ Against Belgium (Video)

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Gareth Bale, Aaron Ramsey, Ashley Williams, Hal Robson-Kanu, Joe Allen. They all put in monumental shifts in Lille last night as Wales bumped Belgium out of Euro 2016 in swashbuckling style.

However, before you go crowning your Man of the Match, just havea butcher's at the great lengths that the Wales team photographer went to in order to nailhis shot amid the triumphantvictory huddle.

Dortmund Issue Catty Statement As Henrikh Mkhitaryan Joins Man Utd, Wish Him Luck In Europa League Next Season

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Itwould appear that Borussia Dortmund are not particularly enjoying watching on as their star names queue up to jump ship, with Mats Hummels and Ilkay Gundogan already nestling in other club's bosoms asHenrikh Mkhitaryan edges ever closer to joining Manchester United.

Official: Nolito Completes £13.8m Man City Move, Takes The No.9 Shirt (Photo)

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Photo: @ManCity/Twitter

Man City fans have woken to find that Manuel Agudo Duran better known as Nolito has completed his move to their club in a deal reportedly worth around £14million.

The 29-year-old forward joins from Celta Vigo, where he scored 39 goals in 103 appearances over the course of three seasons.

Official: Andros Townsend And Dwight Gayle Do The Old ‘Newcastle-Crystal Palace Switcheroo’

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Photo: Getty Images/AMA

Exciting times. Crystal Palace have confirmed that Andros Townsend has joined the club from Newcastle in a £13million deal.

At the very same time, Newcastle have confirmed that Dwight Gayle has joined them from Crystal Palace in a deal worth around £10million.

The Euro Story: West Germany Reclaim Their Crown After England Are Disgraced In Turin, Euro 1980

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For the sixth chapterof the European Championship story, UEFA introduced some major changes.

Instead of selecting one of the four semi-finalists as hosts for the final games, the host country was selected before the competition began.

Indeed,it was Italy who were awarded the honour of hosting the final stages stages that would, for the first time, feature a group system.

Official: Crystal Palace Sign France International ‘Keeper Steve Mandanda On Three-Year Deal

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The signings just keep coming thick and fast today with the news that Crystal Palace have snared French international goalkeeper Steve Mandanda.

Mandanda, who is part of France's Euro 2016 squad, has left Marseille after nine seasons and 443 appearances to join Palace on a three-year contract.

Ryan Giggs Brings 29-Year Association With Man Utd To An End After Agreeing Exit Settlement

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The day many thought would never come is upon us. After weeks of false starts and jumped-guns, Ryan Giggs has today agreed a settlement to bring his 29-year association with Manchester United to an end.

The BBC are reporting that Giggs, who served as assistant manager under Louis van Gaal, will have the final year of his contract paid up after he refused to accept a reduced coaching role under Jose Mourinho.

Euro 2016: Wales Go Barnstorming Into The Semi-Finals With Heroic 3-1 Victory Over Belgium (Photos & Highlights)

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Wales went a-rollicking into the semi-finals of Euro 2016 tonight with an outstanding 3-1 victory over Belgium in the last eight.

One again, the win was a resultof the Welsh ensemble's enviable collective spirit,which has been percolating nicely since thestart of the tournament.

However, things got off to a slightly rocky start when Radja Nainggolan put Belgium ahead in the 12th minute with a shot hit so hard it almost ended up in Hill Valley, California, circa 1955.