Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2013

Capital One Cup: Tottenham 2-2 (8-7 pens) Hull – More Penalty Joy For Lilywhites At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 2-2 (8-7 on pens) Hull City Capital One Cup 30th October 2013

Poor oldAhmed Elmohamady! Aftergiving away the penalty which handed Spurs their 1-0 league win at the weekend, the Hull man then went and missed the deciding penalty kick to hand the Lilywhites yet another victory over the Tigers, this time in the Capital One Cup.

Capital One Cup: Newcastle 0-2 Man City – Negredo And Dzeko Fire Citizens Into Last Eight (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 0-2 Manchester City Capital One Cup 30th October 2013

Goals in extra-time from Alvaro Negredo and Edin Dzeko gave Man City a 2-0 win at St. James' Park on Wednesday night, a win which sees them face Leicester away in the last eight of the Capital One Cup.

Mexican Club Veracruz Build Awesome (Jawsome?) Giant ‘Shark Mouth’ Entrance To Their Stadium (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

We've got a bit of a soft spot for Mexican clubTiburones Rojos de Veracruz (The Red Sharks of Veracruz) here on Pies after they made it into our "20 Of The Best Club Badges In South American Football" rundown for fully embracing their shark-based image and featuring a Great White performing a Rene Higuita-esque scorpion kick on their club crest in what we can only assume is a tribute to their former goalkeeper.

Terrifying Faces Of Vinnie Jones, Luis Suarez And Duncan Ferguson Expertly Carved Into Halloween Pumpkins (Video & Photos)

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By Chris Wright

'Tis that time of year again when the sales of eggs and toilet paper from corner shops across the land goes up ten-fold and, to mark All Hallows' Eve, Betfair ran themselves a special Halloween poll to ordain which footballer fans are most terrified of, with ex-Wimbledon loon Vinnie Jones coming out on top by a country mile by securing33% of the vote, streaks ahead of the likes of Roy Keane (21%), Duncan Ferguson (14%), Luis Suarez (5%) and John Terry (4%).

Shit Lookalikes: Brendan Rodgers & Lino The Shark From ‘Shark Tale’

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By Chris Wright

Solid gold shout from Pies fan Liam Miller there. We totally see it! It's all in the snout.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet it over @waatpies and we'll gladly give it the once-over.

Cristiano Ronaldo Posts Snarky Facebook Reply To Sepp Blatter’s ‘Hairdresser’ Jibe

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Chris Wright

As you may or may not have seen earlier this week, FIFA dumpling Sepp Blatter caused a bit of very, very minor controversy when, speaking at Oxford Union, he admitted to preferring "nice boy" Lionel Messi over "fan of hairdressers" Cristiano Ronaldo before doing an absolutely spot-on impression of the Real Madrid star (skip to 1:50).

Capital One Cup: Man Utd 4-0 Norwich – Hernandez Scores Again As Red Devils Coast To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 4-0 Norwich City Capital One Cup 29th October 2013

Coming after the Red Devils' dramatic win against Stoke at the weekend, Old Trafford once again witnessed a win for the home side on Tuesday night, albeit in a far more straightforward fashion.

Capital One Cup: Blues Win Battle Of Second-Strings At Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 0-2 Chelsea Capital One Cup 29th October 2013

Chelsea's superior strength in depth allowed them to register a comfortable 2-0 win at the Emirates on Tuesday night, with Arsenal's mainly second-string side producing a deeply lacklustre display.

Snapshot: Storm Causes Ajax’s Inflatable Training Dome Collapses Minutes After Players Told To Relocate…

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By Chris Wright

After England was battered by the RED ALERT mild rainfall and RED ALERT Autumnal breezes that enveloped the country yesterday morning, we can sympathise with the adverse weather conditions over in Amsterdam today weather conditions that saw Ajax's swanky Adidas training inflate-a-dome collapsed in on itself.

Tragic: Villarreal Mourn Loss Of 10-Year-Old Youth Player Killed By His Own Father

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By Chris Wright

Every member of Villarreal football club observe a minute's silence forJorge Monzonis Sempere

Achingly tragic news coming out of Spain this afternoon with reports that a member of Villarreal's youth side has been killed by his own father on Monday in what is being described as "an act of domestic violence".

Emmanuel Frimpong Sparks Silly Twitter ‘Race Row’ After (Sort Of) Hinting He’d Get More Playing Time At Arsenal If He Was ‘White And English’

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By Chris Wright

Frimpong: Not the sharpest sandwich at the picnic

Emmanuel Frimpong has deleted a Tweet he sent out last night in which he sort of appeared to hint that he'd get more chances in the Arsenal first-team if he were "white and English".

Ahead of Tuesday night's League Cup game against Chelsea, one of Frimpong's Twitter followers asked him why he wasn't in the side for the game, to which the 21-year-old Ghanaian midfielder replied:"LOL I wanna laugh," before adding: "Sometimes I wish I was white and English #realtalk".

FIFA Announce 23-Man Ballon d’Or Shortlist – No Englishmen Nominated As Usual Suspects (Ronaldo, Messi, Zlatan, Bale, Ribery) Take Centre Stage

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By Chris Wright

Halloo halay! The rather-quite-long shortlist for the FIFA Ballon d'Or has been announced this morning by FIFA themselves, with not a single English player getting a token nod this time round not that we're surprised about that in any way, shape or form.

Lithuanian League Tie Goes Ahead Despite Pitch Being Mostly Underwater (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Much like Benfica's laughable Champions League washout against Olympiakos last week, the Lithuanian A Lygatie between FK Suduva and FK Banga on Sunday night was allowed to go ahead despite the pitch resembling the swamp scene from Apocalypse Now, conditions which made for some truly daft (and damp) footage.

PAS Giannina Player Tries To Distract Keeper With Ridiculous ‘Mirror Man’ Antics Before Set-Piece (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Veria FC's Czech midfielder Petr Trapp (it's a Trapp!) attempts to put off PAS Giannina 'keeperMarkos Vellidis with a bizarre "mirror man" trolling ritual before one of his teammates launches a naff free-kick high over the bar all set to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight".

Austrian Fourth Division Side Stadl-Paura Attempt Henry/Pires Penalty, Somehow Do It Worse Than Henry And Pires… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Stadl-Paura managed to whupSK Altheim 5-1 in the OberosterreichLandesliga West (the Austrian fourth tier) on Sunday morning but the trouncing could've been even heavier were their super tricksy-dicksy penalty routine to come off during the second half.

Failing to heed the mistakes of all those who have tried and failed miserably to successfully pull off the Henry/Pires trick spotkick before them, a pair of Stadl-Paura players ended up looking like a couple of major league dunces when they followed the ex-Arsenal pair's lead and cocked their penalty up royally in front of an utterly unimpressed 'crowd'.

PSV Keeper Przemyslaw Tyton Knocks Himself Out Cold While Saving Free-Kick (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Sunday turned out to be a fairly rotten old afternoon for PSV as Phillip Cocu's side lost 2-1 away to Roda JC, finishing the game with ten men and seeing their goalkeeper,Przemyslaw Tyton,carted off to hospital in the back of an ambulance after knocking himself out cold when he collided with the woodwork at a fair old velocity in the act of parrying Marc Hocher's free-kick clear with a matter of minutes left to play.

Burnley Mascot Bertie Bee ‘Jailed’ For Offering Linesman Glasses Against QPR

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By Chris Wright

Scandal mired Burnley's 2-0 victory over QPR on Saturday when the Clarets' club mascot, Bertie Bee, had to be escorted from the pitch by security staff during the second half after offering the linesman a pair of glasses.

(QPR midfielder Joey Barton was also pelted on the head with a half-full bottle of Cokeduring the game, but we don't need to dwell on that.

Big Sam Allardyce Literally Laughs In Chico Flores’ Face After Pitiful Dive (Video)

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By Chris Wright

How all dives should be treated: Big Sam laughs in Chico Flores' face following a woeful flop from the Swansea defender during yesterday's outrageously dull 0-0 draw between the two sides at the Liberty Stadium; mixing just the right amounts of hilarity, shaming, pity and utter disdain.

Triple Clanger: Freiburg GK Oliver Baumann Makes Three Awful Errors, Concedes Three Awful Goals vs Hamburg (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Someone obviously recently took delivery of the "Joe Hart Guide to Stupid, Jumpy, Needlessly Pro-Active Goalkeeping Decisions' if Freiburg goalkeeper Oliver Baumann's calamitous performance against Hamburg on Sunday afternoon was anything to go by.

Hamburg won the game 0-3 with the 23-year-old Freiburg 'keeper dropping major clangers for all three goals: flying out of his area at a moment's notice for the first two, only to stutter when it came to actually clearing the ball thus allowing Hamburg pairMax Beister andPierre-Michel Lasogga to capitalise with the goal a-gaping each time.

Chelsea 2-1 Man City – More Hart Failure For Citizens As Torres Wins It For Blues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-1 Manchester City Premier League 27th October 2013

Sunday's Oil Clasico was ultimately decided by yet another gaff from City 'keeper Joe Hart. The error-prone England man got his wires crossed late on with Matija Nastasic, leaving Fernando Torres to slot home into an empty net.

Swansea 0-0 West Ham – Stalemate At The Liberty As Hammers Bag Away Point (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 0-0 West Ham United Premier League 27th October 2013

At a rain-soaked Lberty Stadium on Sunday, Swansea and West Ham battled it out for a hard-fought point after a disappointing goalless encounter.

Ravel Morrison and Stewart Downing amongst other, went close for the visitors while Chico Flores and Wilfriend Bony were both denied by the superb Jussi Jaaskelainen.

Tottenham 1-0 Hull – Soldado Spot-Kick Tames Tigers At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-0 Hull City Premier League 27th October 2013

Spurs took 80 minutes to break down a well-organised Hull City side at White Hart Lane on Sunday, with Roberto Soldado converting a spot-kick to secure all three points for the Lilywhites.

Sunderland 2-1 Newcastle – Fab Finish Fires Black Cats To Derby Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 2-1 Newcastle United Premier League 27th October 2013

The unlikely figure of Fabio Borini was the match-winner for Sunderland on Sunday in the Tyne-Wear derby. The Italian striker fired home a long-range effort late on to give the Black Cats their first win of the season, a result which new boss Gus Poyet will hope will kickstart his side's season.

Southampton 2-0 Fulham – High-Flying Saints Too Strong For Whites (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 2-0 Fulham Premier League 26th October 2013

Yet another clean sheet and yet another impressive display forMauricio Pochettino's men on Saturday, with the high-flying Saints comfortably beating a toothless Fulham side 2-0.

The goals came from Rickie Lambert and Jay Rodriguez in the first-half as the home side dominated the encounter.

Football GIF: Fulham Defender Fernando Amorebieta Punches Southampton’s Dejan Lovren In The Arse

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By Chris Wright

"Grrrr!!!! I'm so mad I could punch you in the colon right now buddy!!!!"

"Taaaake...that!"

The complete lack of reaction from Lovren just makes it!

(GIF via Pies' favourite GIFmeister, @FeintZebra)

Football GIF: Aaron Ramsey’s Epic Battle With Crystal Palace’s Corner Flag

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By Chris Wright

An epic battle for the ages: Aaron Ramsey vs the Selhurst Park corner flag...

(GIF via Reddit)

Jurgen Klopp ‘Accidentally’ Volleys Loose Ball Into Fourth Official’s Head (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Jurgen Klopp really seems to have a thing about fourth officials at the moment, doesn't he? Dortmund beat bitter rivals Schalke 3-1 in the Ruhr derby last night but Kloppo still found time to pursue his favourite pastime, "accidentally" volleying a loose ball into the back of the fourth official's head while he was fiddling with his board with absolute pinpoint accuracy.

Liverpool 4-1 West Brom – Super Suarez Batters Baggies (Photos & Highlights)

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Aston Villa 0-2 Everton – Lukaku And Osman On Target As Toffees Outgun Villans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-2 Everton Premier League 26th October 2013

Romelu Lukaku and Leon Osman were the goal-heroes for Everton on Saturday, with the pair firing their side to a hard-fought 2-0 win at Villa Park.

Billed, rather naffly, as the 'Battle of the Belgians', it was Christian Benteke who had the best chance to open the scoring for the Villans, only to see his early spot-kick saved superbly by Tim Howard.

Man Utd 3-2 Stoke – Hernandez Saves Moyes’ Blushes At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Man Utd 3-2 Stoke City Premier League 26th October 2013

Manchester United produced an Old Trafford comeback on Saturday worthy of the Fergie era as they beat Stoke 3-2 in a dramatic game.

The Potters took the lead twice, firstly when Jonny Evans' clearance hit Peter Crouch and ended up in the back of the net and then, after Robin Van Persie has equalised, whenMarko Arnautovic curled home a superb free-kick on the stroke of half-time.

Norwich 0-0 Cardiff – Marshall The Star As Bluebirds Bag Draw At Canaries (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 0-0 Cardiff City Premier League 26th October 2013

Goalkeepers David Marshall and John Ruddy were the stars of the show at Carrow Road on Saturday, with both glovesmen pulling off a number of fine saves.

Cardiff's Marshall, in particular, was in superb form, keeping out efforts fromJonny Howson, Gary Hooper, Nathan Redmond and Leroy Fer.

Crystal Palace 0-2 Arsenal – 10-Man Gunners Battle To Victory Against Eager Eagles (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 0-2 Arsenal Premier League 26th October 2013

Shorn of manager Ian Holloway, Crystal Palace's players produced a fine, energetic display against league-leaders Arsenal but ultimately, it was the Gunners who would secure a win which sees them stay atop the Premier League table.

Retro Football: David Moyes Was A Teenage Hearthrob During His Dunfermline Days (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Good lord...

(Image: @billycornwell)

Super Cute Nike Viral Sees Baby Stunned By Cristiano Ronaldo Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As posted to Instagram by Cristiano Ronaldo himself along with the message "sometimes I even surprise myself", here's a super cute little viral snippet from Nike to promote CR7′s new range of 'intergalactic' Mercurial boots in which they splice one of the Portuguese star's international goals with the timeless "stunned baby" meme.

Steven Taylor Banned From Wearing Boots With ‘The Stamp Collector’ Written On Them For Newcastle-Sunderland Derby

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By Chris Wright

Newcastle centre-half Steven Taylor has been banned from wearing a pair of specially-made boots with "The Stamp Collector" stitched on them for Sunday's North-east derby clash against Sunderland over fears they may incite the ire of the Black Cats faithful.

The personalised message is a reference to Taylor's admission in the build-up to last season's Newcastle-Sunderland derby that he"would rather be a stamp collector" than watch Sunderland play.

Real Madrid Quartet Bale, Benzema, Jese & Modric Play ‘Crossbar Challenge’ With Rugby Ball (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Real Madrid quartet Gareth Bale, Karim Benzema, Jese and Luka Modric larking around on the training pitch, attempting a 'Ring of Fire' style keepy-uppy game with a variety of awkwardly-shaped balls; including a barely-visible squash ball and a gigantic pilates orb, before playing directly into Bale's Welsh hands by attempting a bit of crossbar challenge with a rugby ball.

Bill Gates Negotiating With Real Madrid To Buy Naming Rights For ‘Microsoft Santiago Bernabeu’

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By Chris Wright

"Anybody know if this guy still plays on the Madrid Royals roster?"

Absolutely no idea if this is kosher or not, but a report on the website of reputable Spanish newspaper El Confidencial is claiming that Bill Gates has contacted Real Madrid with the express intent of hammering out a naming rights deal for the club's stadium, which may or may not see it renamed the 'Microsoft Santiago Bernabeu' or the 'XBernabeu 360′ or something of that nature.

Adidas Launch Crazy New Limited Edition Boots – Yohji Yamamoto Y-3 Adizero F50s (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Wow. Just...wow! What you're staring in disbelief at here are the new, limited edition F50s which have been designed for Adidas by acclaimed Japanese designerYohji Yamamoto and are to be worn this weekend by the likes ofDavid Alaba and Lucas Moura among others.

Did Adidas Try (And Fail) To Bankroll €250m Bids For Lionel Messi On Behalf Of Bayern Munich And Chelsea?

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By Chris Wright

Messi can smell the bullscheisse

According to a report in Mundo Deportivo and claims being made by the entirely untrustworthy "FIFA agent" and professional sh*t-stirrer Francois Gallardo, Adidas both tried and failed to bank roll two huge bids for Lionel Messi in order to wrestle him from Barcelona's clutches and into the hands of one of their marquee clubs, Bayern Munich and Chelsea, over the summer.

Shit Lookalikes: Erik Lamela & Robin From ‘How I Met Your Mother’

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By Chris Wright

We've ummed and ahhed about this one all morning but decided to go for broke: if you can't see it, we don't blame you but whenever we see Erik Lamela's pouty, angular little face we cannot see anything other than Robin from "How I Met Your Mother" (as played by Cobie Smulders) but we can't seem to find the photos to do it justice.

Football Art: Some Of Thierry Henry’s Best Bits Captured In Fantastic Flip Book Form (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you may well recall, Thierry Henry reached the 400-goal milestone back in September scoring for the NY Red Bulls against Toronto and celebrating in customary, louche style so, to mark the special occasion, KICK TV have produced a special flipbook animation, mixed in with a few swatches of real footage and set to an ace blast of Gang Starr, in homage to Monsieur Henry and his enviable scoring feat.

Angry Kuwaiti Players Attempt To Intimidate Referee, Referee Fights Back…Quite Literally! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After awarding a penalty to opponents Al-Arabiin their recent Kuwaiti Premier League game, a gaggle of incensed Al Nasar players flooded around the referee to harangue, harass and berate the official, presumably in the hope that he'd merely change his mind and play on.

‘Nothing Special Happened’ – CSKA Moscow Deny Fans Taunted Yaya Toure With Monkey Chants

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By Chris Wright

Flying in the face of the empirical evidence presented to them, CSKA Moscow have denied that their fans taunted Man City midfielder Yaya Toure with monkey chants during the Champions League tie between the two sides last night.

Toure complained about the "stupid" racist chants after the game, but CSKA'sdeputy media manager, Michael Sanadze, has since appeared on Sky Sports News to assure everybody that"nothing special happened" and that the Ivorian behemoth probably just imagined the taunts:

"There is no subject to discuss.

Rogerio Ceni Puts In Shot-Stopping Performance That Gandalf Would Be Proud Of In Copa Sudamericana (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Aged 40, he may be older than most Galapagos tortoises in footballer's years but Sao Paulo 'keeper Rogerio Ceni is still more than up to scratch in the shot-stopping department (he also takes a mean free-kick), with the veteran putting in an almighty "non shall pass" performance betwixt the sticks against Chilean sideUniversidad Catolica in the Copa Sudamericana last night.

Karim Benzema Misses Another ‘Silver Platter’ Sitter From One Yard vs Juventus (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Poor old Karim Benzema, eh? The poor woe-begotten bugger is having a tough time of it in front of goal at the moment, putting in anonymous shift after anonymous shift up top for Real Madrid as Cristiano Ronaldo does his job for him night after night.

The fans are on his back, he hasn't scored since mid-September and he seemingly keeps doing things like this.

Football GIF: Arturo Vidal Trips Himself After Kicking The Ground, Immediately Appeals For A Penalty

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By Chris Wright

Here's self-anointed Juventus "hardman" Arturo Vidal legging himself up after turfing a rather large divot out of the Bernabeu pitch last night, then having the bare-faced, utterly shameless temerity to appeal for a penalty over it...

Terrible. Appealing for the spot-kick was the first thing in his mind, Plan A.

Football GIF: Zlatan Zinger! Ibrahimovic Launches Unstoppable Rocket For PSG Against Anderlecht

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By Alan Duffy

Both a great player and a scorer of great goals, the mighty Zlatan Ibrahimovic secured a superb four-goal salvo against Anderlecht on Wednesday night as PSG battered the Belgians 5-0.

As well as netting another clever back-heeled goal, Ibra also fired in this utter rocket of a shot, his third goal of the night.

Champions League: CSKA Moscow 1-2 Man City – Aguero Brace Fires Citizens To Precious Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

CSKA Moscow 1-2 Manchester City Champions League 23rd October 2013

Manchester City battled hard, on a dismal pitch, to overcome a tough Moscow side on Wednesday night, coming from behind to secure a precious win.

Former Manchester United flop Zoran Tosic had opened the scoring for the hosts on 32 minutes, courtesy of a fine lobbed goal.

Champions League: Man Utd 1-0 Real Sociedad – Rooney Stars As Red Devils Get Back To Winning Ways (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 1-0 Real Sociedad Champions League 23rd October 2013

After all the palavar over Sir Alex Ferguson's book, it was back to the football pitch for Manchester United on Wednesday night in the Champions League.

The home side got the perfect start when Inigo Martinez sliced a clearance into his own net with just two minutes on the clock.

Ian Holloway Leaves Crystal Palace ‘By Mutual Consent’, Tony Pulis Hot Favourite To Take Over

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By Chris Wright

When Crystal Palace called a press conference for half-past five this afternoon, the entire footballing world was fairly sure what their big announcement was going to be and, sure enough, word has broken that Ian Holloway has been relieved of his duties at Selhurst Park with the club second-bottom of the Premier League.

Around The Grounds: Sixfields Stadium, Home Of Northampton Town And Coventry City…ish (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

It's been a while since we've gone Around the Grounds here on Pies so let's fart the series back into life with a photographic trip around the Sixfields Stadium, home to Northampton Town and, as of the start of the 2013-14 campaign, temporary tenants Coventry City, who have agreed a deal to play at the Cobblers' ground for the next three seasons after the Ricoh Arena disappeared in a puff of financially-unsustainable smoke not so very long ago.

Classic Moments: Fernando Torres Stars In Advert For Spanish Dog Training School, 2009 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Fernando Torres, then of Liverpool, doing his mate 'Nacho' a favour by starring in an advert for his Narub dog training schoolon the outskirts of Madrid, which sees our Nando engaging in a few basic canine-based activities; like getting a Doberman to leap through rings of fire and getting hustled off the ball by an Alsation in a tabard.

There Is Now A Strange, Grey, Half-Naked Statue Of Hulk In Porto’s Club Museum (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

With Hulk returning to Porto last night with Zenit for the first time since the big move St. Petersburg-wards in the summer of 2012, it afforded the Brazilian forward the chance to see his new statue in the Portuguese club's museum at theEstadio do Dragao.

Sir Alex Ferguson Grilled In Fantastic Full-Length Interview With Channel 4 News Anchor Jon Snow (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Good interview this in which both parties hold their ground amicably as Jon Snow prods Fergie with questions no-one has dared to ask him directly before, though it bottoms out a bit when Snow brands Fergie's all-encompassing, obsessive reign at Old Trafford as being "Stalinist" which we can't help but feel is a tad over-zealous.

Portsmouth-Wycombe Abandoned Due To Torrential Rain And Lightning Storm At Fratton Park (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Things got a bit damp at Fratton Park last night, with torrential rain and a fearsome lightning storm causing the League Two fixture between Portsmouth and Wycombe to be abandoned at half-time with the score level at 1-1.

It's not hard to see why...

(Image: @dcdagger)

(Image: @BBCSporf)

Yeah, think we'd have probably called it off too.

Wolves’ James Henry Wipes Out Oldham Manager Lee Johnson At The Knees (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As we've already mentioned this morning, conditions were a little on the damp side in League Two last night and while Molineux wasn't quite as submersed as Fratton Park was, there was still a healthy zip to the playing surface as Oldham manager Lee Johnson found out to his cost when Wolves winger James Henry was tackled close to the touchline and was powerless to stop himself he slid on into the technical area and wiped Johnson out at the knees.

Champions League: Celtic 2-1 Ajax – Bhoys Bag Impressive Parkhead Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Celtic 2-1 Ajax Champions League 22nd October 2013

Celtic produced a superb display at home to Ajax on Tuesday night, securing a deserved victory against the Dutch side to keep them well in the hunt for a place in the last 16 of the competition.

Champions League: Arsenal 1-2 Dortmund – Gunners Downed By Dortmund Sucker-Punch At Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 1-2 Borussia Dortmund Champions League 22nd October 2013

A draw here would probably have been the fairest result, but in the end Dortmund's counter-attacking ability secured them a vital 2-1 win at the Emirates.

The Gunners started slowly and eventually went behind to aHenrikh Mkhitaryan goal after Aaron Ramsey dawdled on the edge of the box.

Champions League: Schalke 0-3 Chelsea – Torres Nets Two As Blues Shine At Veltins-Arena (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

FC Schalke 04 0-3 Chelsea Champions League 22nd October 2013

Fernando Torres, on his 100th Chelsea start, bagged a brace for Chelsea in a highly impressive performance away at Schalke.

The Spaniard, looking far more like his old self in recent weeks, netted a goal in each half with the woodwork denying him a hat-trick.

‘Loyalty? He Doesn’t Know The Meaning Of The Word’ – Roy Keane Hits Back Over Sir Alex Ferguson Book (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

What lovely timing by ITV to have Roy Keane on as a pundit for the Champions League just hours after Sir Alex Ferguson's book was released. Within the tome, Fergie lets rip at Keane over his infamous MUTV interview and all-round aggressive attitude. However, unsurprisingly, Keane has hit back, criticising his former mentor for having a go at some his players, including David Beckham.

Adidas Unleash Luminous New ‘Enlightened’ Boot Pack, Designed To Bounce Light Around Stadiums (Photos And Video)

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By Chris Wright

Set to debut in the Champions League this week, Adidas have today unleashed their new limited edition 'Enlightened' boot back, which sees their four flagship models: the adiPure, the f50, the Nitrocharge and the Predator; given a new blackout/luminescent treatment.

Snapshot: Italian Amateur Club Rioveggio Show Anti-Racism Solidarity In The Worst Way Possible…

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By Chris Wright

Having recently seen Togolese midfielderTeibou Koura sent off during a game against Lizzano for hitting out at an opponent who called him "nigger", Italian amateur club Rioveggio decided to present a united front against racism in their game in pretty much the worst way possible by all turning up for their next game againstCasalecchioin black face.

Fitba Thatba Sensuously Read The Secret Erotic Chapters Of Sir Alex Ferguson’s New Book (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This one does exactly what it says on the tin: the Fitba Thatba lotharios, sprawled sexily by the fireside, narrating the secret, hidden erotic chapters from Fergie's new book in their toe-tinglingly sensuous Scottish burrs.

Best enjoyed while sinking slowly into a deep, cande-lit bath.

Santa Fe Forget Kit For Colombian League Match, Kitman Buys Fake Replicas And Draw Numbers On Back (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

As happens from time to time, Independiente Santa Fe travelled 90-odd miles across up the road for their recent Colombian Primera Division A game against Boyaca Chico having forgotten to pack their away strip.

Instead the Santa Fe kitman had mistakenly loaded bins full of the club's red home kit onto the coach before setting out.

Cristiano Ronaldo Installs £45,000 Criosauna At Home After Becoming ‘Hooked’ On Muscle Freezing Therapy

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By Chris Wright

"FRIGGIN' ENDORPHINS BABY!!!!"

According to Spanish paper El Mundo, Cristiano Ronaldo has recently taken toundergoing weekly 'Whole Body Cryotherapy'sessions at a luxury spa near his home on the outskirts of Madrid in a bid to help ease the aches and pains caused by the weekly battering his lower body takes at the hands (or feet) of La Liga's more "agricultural" defenders.

Nelson Vivas Sacked As Quilmes Manager For Punching Quilmes Fan Square In The Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Quilmes coach Nelson Vivas (yep, that Nelson Vivas; formerly of Arsenal) has been forced to resign after his position at the Argentine Primera Division club suddenly became untenable not due to a string of bad results, a slump in form or a fall-out over owner interference, etc.

Introducing Your Comprehensive Guide To ‘Things That Have More Points Than Sunderland’

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By Chris Wright

Having harvested but one, dismal, solitary, lonely point garnered from their 1-1 draw against Southampton back in August from their opening eight Premier League games, Dunderland (typo, but it stays) are well on course to pulling off the worst total haul in the history of everything ever as their jumble-sale squad lurch from one pathetic defeat to the next.

Crystal Palace 1-4 Fulham – Whites’ Wonder-Strikes Sink Struggling Eagles (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Crystal Palace 1-4 Fulham Premier League 21st October 2013

After Arsenal's selection of wonder-goals served up on Saturday, fellow Londoners Fulham decided to launch a couple more contenders for Goal of the Season at Selhurst park, as the Whites battered a sorry Palace side.

Football GIFs: Pasami’s Perfect Hit And Sidwell Super Strike For Fulham Against Crystal Palace

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By Alan Duffy

Steve Sidwell's goal against Crystal Palace on Monday night was a superb effort from the tough-tackling midfielder, but Pajtim Kasami's chest 'n' volley strike is a defo contender for Goal of the Season. Outstanding.

Kasami...

Sidwell..

GIFS: the outstanding FeintZebra

Aston Villa 0-2 Tottenham – Andros Townsend Impresses Again As Spurs Shoot Down Villans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 0-2 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 20th October 2013

Andros Townsend had another good game for Spurs on Sunday, scoring the opening goal of the game (albeit courtesy of a flukey cross) as well as flitting up and down the right flank.

‘Fist Pump’ Goal Celebration Gone Awry Leaves FC Twente Coach Michel Jansen Needing Emergency Dentistry

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By Chris Wright

FC Twente manager Michel Jansen was left requiring emergency dentistry after being caught by a swift, solid right hook while celebrating his team's opening goal against Ajax on Saturday.

The punch came courtesy of his assistant, Youri Mulder, who, according to Reuters, accidentally caught Jansen with a "fist pump" gone awry while leaping up to celebrate after Twente'sLuc Castaignos scored to put the away side 1-0 up after 22 minutes, leaving the head coach facing a hefty orthodontists bill.

Shit Lookalikes: Manuel Pellegrini & Evil Queen From ‘Snow White’

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By Chris Wright

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet it over @waatpies and we'll gladly give it the once-over.

Football GIF: Tottenham Fan Hits Linesman With Hurled Smoke Grenade

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By Chris Wright

Two Tottenham supporters, aged 47 and 25, were arrested by West Midlands Police during the stoppage caused by the smoke bomb incident and the FA have vowed to launch an investigation into the incident.

Thankfully, the lino on duty, Dave Bryan, took the hit like a champ and was ultimately unharmed.

Tim Cahill Scores Fastest Goal In MLS History vs Houston Dynamo (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spring-heeled ex-Everton hero Tim Cahill is now the proud scorer of the fastest goal in the MLS' 17-year history after getting theNew York Red Bulls off to a rollicking start against Houston Dynamo yesterday, thrashing in the opening goal from 20 or so yards with just seven count em, seven seconds on the clock.

Cristiano Ronaldo To Debut New ‘Cosmic’ Signature Nike Mercurial CR7 Boots At El Clasico (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

What you're looking at here is Cristiano Ronaldo's newNike Mercurial IX CR7 boot, complete with 'supernova' skin print (in homage to Ronaldo's "out of this world" performances since joining Real Madrid) that the Portuguese behemoth will be debuting in the upcoming El Clasico fixture at the Camp Nou on October 26th.

Millwall Fans Chuck Ball Into Harry Redknapp’s Face, QPR Concede 92nd-Minute Equaliser While He’s Yelling At Them (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, with QPR 2-1 up at The Den and the game ticking over into the 92nd minute, a couple of Millwall fans decided to pass the remainder of the game by chucking the ball at various members of QPR's coaching staff first chucking the ball into the face of assistant Joe Jordan and then pinging a pearler into 'Arry's boat race from point-blank range.

Strong ‘Goal Of The Weekend’ Contender Scored In Irish Women’s Premier League (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Let's hear it for Steph Roche of Peamount United, who scored an absolute bee-yoo-tee against Wexford Youthsin the Irish Women's National League on Saturday afternoon...

Exquisite.

(Via Balls.ie)

West Ham 1-3 Man City – Aguero On Song As Citizens Finally Win On The Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 1-3 Manchester City Premier League 19th October 2013

Manchester City, a side who have struggled on the road this season, produced a fine display in east London on Saturday, comfortably beating West Ham 4-1.

Sergio Aguero, a reported transfer target for Barcelona in the summer, bagged a brace for the Citizens, with his goals coming on 16 and 51 minutes as the Argentine striker tormented the Hammers' defence.

Man Utd 1-1 Southampton – Misery For Moyes As Saints Pinch Draw At Old Trafford (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 1-1 Southampton Premier League 19th October 2013

A late Adam Lallana goal secured a precious point for Southampton away at Old Trafford on Saturday, as the Red Devils failed to make the most of their dominance.

After a decent start by the Saints, man/boy of the momentAdnan Januzaj created the chance which was ultimately finished off by Robin Van Persie to bag the opening goal of the game as the home side looked set to cruise to victory.

Swansea 4-0 Sunderland – Poyet Given Top-Tier Lesson By Swans At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 4-0 Sunderland Premier League 19th October 2013

Gus Poyet's first game in charge of Sunderland was a rather brutal introduction to top-tier management for the former Brighton boss, with the Black Cats going down 4-0 at the Liberty Stadium.

Chelsea 4-1 Cardiff – Blues Come From Behind To Batter Bluebirds (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 4-1 Cardiff City Premier League 19th October 2013

Eden Hazard snaffled a brace at Stamford Bridge on Saturday as the Blues came from a goal down to beat Cardiff 4-1.

The Bluebirds had opened the scoring early on, after a boo-boo from David Luiz allowed Jordon Mutch to fire home.

Stoke 0-0 West Brom – Bore-Draw At The Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 0-0 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 19th October 2013

Hardly a classic here, with Mark Hughes' goal-shy Potters once again failing to find the back of the net. West Brom probably should have won the game, withStephane Sessegnon going close more than once and Morgan Amalfitano also going close.

Everton 2-1 Hull – Pienaar Fires Toffees To Hard-Fought Win Against Tigers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 2-1 Hull City Premier League 19th October 2013

Steven Pienaar was the goal hero for Everton on Saturday afternoon, netting the winner against Hull just 10 seconds after coming off the bench in the second-half.

Kevin Mirallas set up that goal for Pienaar and it was the Belgian who had opened the scoring in the first-period, who fired past Allan McGregor on eight minutes.

Arsenal 4-1 Norwich – Gunners Glisten At Emirates As Outstanding Ozil Bags Brace (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 4-1 Norwich City Premier League 19th October 2013

Arsenal stayed on top of the table after securing an entertaining 4-1 win against Norwich on Saturday.

With Santi Cazorla back in action and Aaron Ramsey rested, the Gunners produced a sometimes lethargic display peppered by moments of sheet brilliance.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic Scores One Of His Hamstring-Defying Backheels vs Bastia (Video)

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By Chris Wright

One to watch before the Youtube Police strip it down: classic stuff from Zlatan against Bastia this afternoon...

Suggested further viewing...

30 Incredible Photos Of Zlatan And His God-Given Taekwondo Hamstrings

BT Sports (W)anchor Jake Humphrey Criticises David Ginola’s Outfit, Ginola Responds With Appropriate Hand Gesture (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Oh, how we loathe Jake Humphrey here on Pies with his same-since-primary-school haircut and his desperate need to be cloyingly over-familiar with absolutely everybody he encounters; so praise be to David Ginola who, live on air this morning, responded to the BT Sports anchor's banteriffic, yawningly tawdry jibe about the Frenchman's completely innocuous outfit ("David clearly wasn't expecting to be seen full length") with the kind of gesture he usually reserves for Gerard Houllier.

Newcastle 2-2 Liverpool – 10-Man Magpies Hold On For Draw With Reds (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 2-2 Liverpool Premier League 19th October 2013

Despite a final act which saw Luis Suarez skim the crossbar and Daniel Sturridge go close more than once, Newcastle managed to hold on for a vital point against visitors Liverpool.

Football GIF: Jack Wilshere And Arsenal Score A Flicking Magnificent One-Touch Team Goal

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By Alan Duffy

Surely an early contender for goal of the season, Arsenal produced a magnificent first-half team goal against Norwich on Saturday afternoon, with Santi Cazorla, Olivier Giroud and Jack Wilshere combining a number of passes and flicks to create a work of art.

Oh, and by the way, Wilshere has now netted two goals in two games after that infamous smoke, compared to two in 82 before the ciggy-gate.

Back In 2007, Daily Mail Predicted Their ‘England Team Of The Future’…

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By Chris Wright

Back in 2007, the Daily Mail's website gazed into their crystal ball and lodged their prediction as to which promising youngsters would go on to make up the future England team...

The results? A stonking 1/11, with nine of the Mail's future XI having won precisely zero caps between them to date.

Diego Costa Trips Up Innocent Child, Goes About His Day (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just Atletico Madrid's resident enfant terrible, Diego Costa, legging up an innocent child on the training pitch before merely going about his day...

Call it what you want, I call it messin' with the kid.

(Via Reddit)

Leverkusen’s Stefan Kiessling Scores Bizarre ‘Ghost Goal’ Through Hole In Net vs Hoffenheim (Video)

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By Chris Wright

PHANTOM TOR! Hoffenheim were left nursing a serious case of "wadafuqref?" at theRhein-Neckar-Arena last night when Stefan Kiessling put Bayer Leverkusen 2-0 up with a "goal" that, in fact, merely passed through a gap in the side netting...

RefereeFelix Brych understandably came under heavy criticism after the game though he both acknowledged and defended his iffy decision, claiming: "There was no indication that it was not a regular goal.

Injury Update: Iago Aspas Thankfully Hasn’t Ruptured His Rectum After All

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By Chris Wright

Earlier today, Liverpool striker Iago Aspas tweeted to confirm that he was feeling low having been told that the unfortunate ruptured rectum he'd suffered in training was going to keep him out for the next five or so weeks...

Confirmado rotura en el recto en el entrenamiento de ayer,unas 5semanas de baja :( #YNWA

— Iago Aspas Juncal (@aspas10) October 18, 2013

Hey, that's what happens when Martin Skrtel goes in too hard.

This? Oh, It’s Just Sam Allardyce Dancing Gangnam Style (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As if any further spiel were required: here's West Ham manager Large Samuel dancing Gangnam Style to warm up the crowd before filming this weekend's episode of "A League of Their Own"...

Bad News For Gareth Bale After It Emerges Google May Already Own Patent On His ‘Love Heart’ Celebration

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By Chris Wright

We're afraid there's been a bit of bad news for any of you out there who were hoping to get your hands on an official Gareth Bale "Heart 11″ belt, walking stick, whip or saddle anytime soon with the news that Google may already own the copyright on the loathsome finger gesture.

Micah Richards Pranks Man City Photographer, Pulls Up With Phony Injury During Advert Shoot (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Micah Richards pulls off a decent little prank, scaring the bejesus out of clubphotographer Sharon Latham and senior partnership marketing manager (que?) Jane Farquhar by pretending to pull up with a hamstring twang after slipping on the hard floorduring an advert shoot.

Colombian ‘Adult Entertainment’ Company Offer Faustino Asprilla Lucrative One-Film Contract

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By Chris Wright

Tino gets ready for his close-up

Call it a desperate publicity stunt if you will, but one Colombian porn company have written an open letter to Faustino Asprilla to offer him a role in one of their films, claiming that "with a bit of training" he could be up to scratch in no time.

US Midfielder ‘Saint’ Graham Zusi Showered With Gifts From Mexican Fans For Keeping Them In World Cup Hunt (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

After scoring a 92nd-minute equaliser for the USA in their final World Cup qualifying game against Panama on Tuesday evening, Graham Zusi became an instant legend, though not with the US fans but rather their Mexican counterparts, for it was the Sporting KC midfielder's late, late goal that saw Mexico end up in the play-off spotinstead of Panama, thus keeping El Tri's dream of qualifying for Brazil 2014 alive.

Plucky Prankster Pretends To Be Robert Lewandowski, Gets Up To All Manner Of Hijinks (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which some American fella drums up his finest Polish accent, buys himself a Borussia Dortmund replica shirt and proceeds to gad about pretending to be Robert Lewandowski, first by doling out nuggets of flawless football advice to a local football team training in the park and secondly by attempting to pick up as many chicks as possible.

‘I’ll Knock You F***ing Out You C**t’ – Paul Ince Given Five-Game Stadium Ban For Being Utter Tosspot To Fourth Official

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By Chris Wright

Good news everybody! Blackpool manager Paul Ince has been handed a whopping great five-game stadium ban for his godawful conduct on the sidelines during his side's 2-1 win over Bournemouth last month after being found guilty of being a prize prick to the fourth official on the day, Mark Pottage.

‘I Was Nixed Like A Fatty On The Church Steps’ – Morrissey Recounts The Time He Was Totally Ignored By Eric Cantona

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By Chris Wright

Turns out Moz isn't the first musical Mancunian berk Eric has turned his back on

Taken from Morrissey's new autobiography, 'Autobiography', is this wonderful little swatch regaling the gladioli-whirling Smiths frontman's incredibly brief encounter with one Eric Cantona in the foyer of a Parisian hotel.

Harry Wilson’s Grandfather Now £125,000 Richer After 16-Year-Old Tyke Makes Wales Debut

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By Chris Wright

"You can go out to play with your friends if you've done your homework"

The first Austin Powers movie was still two months from hitting the cinemas when Harry Wilson was born in March of 1997, but the 16-year-old from Wrexham already has more international caps that you'll ever see after he came on for the last few minutes of Wales' final World Cup qualifier against Belgium on Tuesday night.

Roy Hodgson Apologises For ‘Feed The NASA Monkey’ Joke About Andros Townsend

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By Chris Wright

See? This is why we can't have nice things! Days after qualifying for the World Cup, the English press have already sought to prick the bubble of happy thoughts by kicking up a stink around a rather anodyne joke made by Roy Hodgson at half-time during the Poland game.

Inebriated Students Stop Traffic In Newcastle To Chant About Kolo And Yaya Toure (Video)

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By Chris Wright

For reasons unbeknownst, there appears to be a trend sweeping the nation that involves large gatherings of probably/definitely inebriated young souls massing in public to chant the names of Kolo and Yaya Toure to the tune of 2 Unlimited's 90′s dance hit "There's No Limit".

Tahitian Premier League Has ‘One Point For A Loss’ System To Ensure Defeated Teams Don’t Go Home ‘Unhappy’

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My Chris Wright

Not so very long ago the footballing world fell head over heels in love with the Tahitian national side when they played like troopers at the Confederations Cup in Brazil; mushing up collective hearts into pulp as they handed out pre-game shell necklaces to their opponents and beamed their way to three considerable thrashings at the hands of the hosts, Uruguay and Spain conceding a hefty 24 goals (though they did manage one consolation goal) in the process.

‘Didier, Always Near To My Heart’ – Jose Mourinho Writes Gushing (Borderline Nauseating) Foreword For Drogba’s Autobiography

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By Chris Wright

It's fairly well known that the love between Jose Mourinho and Didier Drogba runs deeper than most oceanic trenches, so it should come as little to no surprise that the former's foreword for the latter's imminent autobiography is pretty schlocky nauseatingly so in places.

James Collins Combs His Hair In West Ham Dressing Room (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As posted to Instagram by none other than Ravel Morrison himself (@1ravel) and spotted by our pals over at Off The Post, here's a cracking little clip of grizzled West Ham centre-half running a comb through his silken ginger locks.

Irate Red Star Belgrade Ultras Throw Shampoo Into Players’ Cars In Protest Over Slump

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By Chris Wright

In the not so very distant past Red Star Belgrade were a dark horse to be reckoned with in European football circles, going as far as winning the European Cup in 1991, but the with club currently floundering in mid(ish)-table in the Serbian Super Liga and flirting with destitution, those days, it's fair to say, are long gone.

Bosnia-Herzegovina Qualify For First Ever World Cup, Pandemonium Ensues In Streets Of Sarajevo! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Bosnia-Herzegovina qualified for their first ever World Cup finals last night courtesy of a 1-0 win over Lithuania which saw them finish top of Group G and bump boring, boring Greece (who managed a paltry 12 goals during qualifying compared to Bosnia's 30) down into the play-off spot.

‘God Bless America! We Love You Forever!’ – Mexican Commentator Melts Down During Final Stages Of USA’s Dramatic Win Over Panama (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As we've alluded to already this morning, the US saved Mexico's World Cup bacon last night when two extremely late goals saw them come from behind in stoppage time beat Panama in their final qualfiier and thus keep El Tri in the play-off position.

Here's the moment, as relayed by Mexican commentatorChristian Martinoli who was watching the culmination of both games in split-screen for TV Azteca, yelling "God bless America!

Ravel Morrison Scores Lovely Solo Goal For England U21s After On-Pitch Squabble With Wilfried Zaha (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

England's U21 string breezed to a 5-0 win over Lithuania at Portman Road, with two of the Premier League's young flavour-of-the-month entrants for October, Ravel Morrison and Saido Beharino, each nabbing braces while Southampton midfielder Jamie Ward-Prowse also got in on the act with his first goal for the Young Lions.

Javier Hernandez Suffers Rusty Horror Miss With Goal A-Gaping vs Costa Rica (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Javier Hernandez has played less than 85 league minutes for Manchester United so far this season and boy did it show last night when Chicharito was presented with a glorious chance to put Mexico 1-0 up against Costa Rica with just 17 minutes on the clock.

Unfortunately, it didn't quite all go to plan for the pea-sized poacher.

Luis Suarez Cons Soft Penalty With Another Ridiculous Dive vs Argentina (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Uruguay beat Argentina 3-2 in Montevideo last night thanks to goals from Edinson Cavani,Cristian Rodriguez and a self-won penalty from Luis Suarez, with the Liverpool striker doing his usual "collapsible legs" routine to con a super soft spot-kick out of the oblivious referee after waiting to feel the faintest of contact from his marker.

World Cup: Israel 1-1 Northern Ireland – Decent Draw In Tel Aviv Ends Dismal Campaign For North (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Israel 1-1 Northern Ireland 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 15th October 2013

A second-half strike from Steven Davis gave Northern Ireland a share of the points in Tel Aviv on Tuesday night in a performance which at least bodes well for the future.

World Cup: Rep. Of Ireland 3-1 Kazakhstan – Boys In Green End Poor Campaign With Win At The Aviva (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Republic of Ireland 3-1 Kazakhstan 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 15th October 2013

With Ireland's chances of even a play-off berth for Brazil long gone, the Aviva Stadium was a subdued location for this last game of Noel King's interim reign as Irish boss.

World Cup: Belgium 1-1 Wales – Ramsey Scores Again As Welsh Draw In Brussels (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Belgium 1-1 Wales 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 15th October 2013

Chris Coleman's Welsh side secured a superb away draw against the much-fancied Belgians on Tuesday night with captain Aaron Ramsey once again the star of the show.

The Arsenal man netted late on to cancel out Kevin De Bruyne's goal just after the hour-mark.

World Cup: Scotland 2-0 Croatia – Superb Win For Strachan’s Scots Gives Hope For Future (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Scotland 2-0 Croatia 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 15th October 2013

Goals from Robert Snodgrass and Steven Naismith secured a superb win for Scotland against Croatia on Tuesday night, a result which will leave the Scots feeling positive about the future.

World Cup: England 2-0 Poland – Roy’s Boys Bound For Brazil As Rooney And Gerrard Shoot Down Poles (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

England 2-0 Poland 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 15th October 2013

So Roy and co. are going to Brazil, and deservedly so in the end after an admittedly less than impressive campaign (particularly earlier on). A nervy 2-0 win at Wembley sealed the deal for the Three Lions with Wayne Rooney heading home a Leighton Baines centre in the first-half and Steven Gerrard netting late on.

Photographer Goes Slightly O.T.T While Trying To Get Close-Up Action Shot During Russian Women’s Game (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the recent clash betweenKubanochka and Donchanok in the Russian women's top flight, a penalty is given and one of the official match photographers senses his moment to get a spectacular action shot from directly behind the taker.

There was but one small problem, which arose as the referee spotted the snapper setting up his tripod in the middle of the sodding pitch and duly ordered him to return from whence he came.

Tajikistani Striker Has Water And Electricity Cut Off As Punishment For Scoring Against Hometown Club

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By Chris Wright

Tajikistani striker Ahtam Hamroqulov was forced to go without heating, electricity and water for five days recently after the local authorities cut off his utilities as punishment for having the bare-faced temerity to score against his former club.

Hamroqulov scored twice for Regar-TadAZ in their Tajikistan Cup semi-final victory over Vakhsh earlier this month, Vakhsh being based in the town of Qurgonteppa the striker's hometown, where he still lives, despite leaving Vakhsh and joining their local rivals from the neighbouring town, Regar-TadAZ, almost two years ago.

Top 5 England vs Poland Encounters

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By Ross McGuinness

England versus Poland. Three words which bore most football fans more than any other apart from 'England versus Ukraine', perhaps. But although England appear to play Poland every six months, their clashes have been a little more spaced out than that, and instead of being drab, some of those fixtures have actually been quite thrilling.

Panama’s Critica newspaper laments Mexico’s ‘F*cking Chilena’

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THE English language is Britain's gift to the colonies and the world. Panama's Critica newspapers is well-versed in English. No other language will do when those Mexicans have defeatedPanama in a CONCACAF World Cup qualifier. The decisive goal in a 2-1 win was a whirling bicycle kick (chilena) fromRaul Jiménez.

Barnet Player-Manager Edgar Davids Unleashes His Inner Pitbull, Gets Sent Off For Elbowing Opponent (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

A genuine, proper footballing legend, Edgar Davids continues to make the headlines, albeit in the lowly environs of non-league football. As player-manager of Barnet, the Dutch star picked himself to play a centre-half role against Wrexham on Sunday. However, the veteran superstar's day would end in an early bath after a dramatic finish to the game.

Reading Youngster Liam Kelly Scores Wonder-Strike From Halfway Line For Rep. Of Ireland U19s (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Quite the strike here from Liam Kelly, Reading's 17-year-old midfielder. Playing for the Republic of Ireland U19s against Sweden, Kelly noticed that the Swedish 'keeper was well off his line and so fired in a superbly judged effort.

That goal proved to be the winner for the Irish (1-0) and helped secure their place in the 'Elite Round' of the European U19 Championship Qualifiers.

Football GIF: Arsenal’s Olivier Giroud Nets Cheeky Lob Against Australia

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By Alan Duffy

France enjoyed their friendly against Australia on Friday night, hammering the Socceroos 6-0s, with even Karim Benzema ending his long goal-drought.

However, the pick of the French goals came from the Gunners' in-form targetman Olivier Giroud, who produced a lovely first-time lob.

Swedish Striker Johan Elmander Feigns Headbutt Assault, Gets Austria’s Marko Arnautovic Sent Off (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

What a dreadful piece of gamesmanship here from Norwich City striker Johan Elmander. During last night's World CUp Qualifier between Sweden and Austria, the journeyman forward squared up with Stoke's Marko Arnautovic with little or actually no contact made between their two heads.

World Cup: Germany 3-0 Rep. Of Ireland – Boys In Green Struggle To Get Sniff Of Goal In Cologne (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Germany 3-0 Republic Of Ireland 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 11th October 2013

Goals from Sami Khedira and the Premier League pair of Chelsea'sAndre Schurrle and Arsenal's Mesut Ozil gave Germany a well-deserved win in Cologne.

The defeat finally laid to rest Ireland's faint hopes of making it to Brazil although the performance of David Forde between the posts was one major positive for caretaker boss Noel King.

World Cup: Wales 1-0 Macedonia – Church Answers Coleman’s Prayers In Cardiff (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wales 1-0 Macedonia 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 11th October 2013

Charlton's Simon Church scored the only goal of the games for Wales on Friday, a goal which may well have kept under-pressure manager Chris Coleman in a job.

Aaron Ramsey continued on with his good Arsenal form and was a constant threat to the Macedonian backline.

World Cup: Azerbaijan 2-0 Northern Ireland – Feeble North Lose Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Azerbaijan 2-0 Northern Ireland 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 11th October 2013

Two second-half goals from the hosts inflicted yet another somewhat embarrassing defeat on Northern Ireland, with Michael O'Neill's 3-5-2 formation change failing to kickstart his side's ailing campaign.

World Cup: England 4-1 Montenegro – Townsend On Target As Three Lions Roar At Wembley (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

England 4-1 Montenegro 2014 World Cup Qualifiers 11th October 2013

A surprise choice by Roy Hodgson in England's first 11 on Friday night, winger Andros Townsend produced an impressive display against Montenegro to put the Three Lions within touching distance of Brazil.

Dutch U21 Star Luc Castaignos Scores Super-Swerver From Impossible Angle, But Did He Mean it? (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

The young Feyenoord forward is quite the talent but one wonders if he really meant to score this outrageous goal for the Dutch U21s against Georgia.

Receiving the ball in the corner of the pitch from a throw-in, the former Inter Milan youngster turned and swerved the ball over the 'keeper and into the goal from an almost impossible angle.

Australian Arsenal Fan Posts Job Advert Looking For Gooner To Troll Twitter, Engage In Banter And Flirt With Women

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By Alan Duffy

This is, in all honesty, probably a wind-up but it's a rather funny one. If it's real, on the other hand, then it will surely go down as one of the oddest job vancancies we've come across in quite some time.

The advert was posted on Gumtree by an Australian Arsenal loon known only as 'Nathan' who wants someone to will troll the likes of Mirror journo John Cross while whoever gets the job willbe "trained to engage in strategic flirting and mind games with several females via the Facebook Messenger application", which sounds extremely creepy to me.

Retro Football: Roberto Mancini Wants To Sell You A Sega Mega Drive, 1993 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Back in 1993, long before the cashmere scarves, the impeccable overcoats and the silken silver hair, Roberto Mancini (along with his Italian national team cohorts Walter Zenga and Gigi Lentini) found himself pressed into becoming the ever-so-slightly awkward poster boy for the Sega Mega Drive featuring in a series of television adverts alongside Italian comedian Jerry Cala.

Tricky Dicky Groom Freestyles His Way Down The Aisle Before Wedding (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've got no idea if this is genuine or a publicity thing for something or other or what, but here's groom Daniel Cutting entertaining his wedding guests by juggling his way down the aisle mere minutes before his bride turns up at the church.

As written by Dan in the video description: "I got married on the 24th August, 2013 and decided to do some football skills down the aisle to entertain the guests before my wife-to-be arrived!

‘He Thinks He’s Like Fergie, But He’s Never Won A Title’ – Jose Bosingwa Hits Back At QPR Boss Harry Redknapp

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By Alan Duffy

Media darling Harry Redknapp is rarely out of the spotlight and the hoo-ha over his 'warts 'n' all' autobiography 'Always Managing' is keeping the back pages full of juicy tales of unruly dressing-rooms and cheeky-chappie escapades.

Anyway, one of the players fingered (figuratively) in the book by Redknapp is ex-QPR defender Jose Bosingwa.

Evergreen Legend Clarence Seedorf Bangs In Long-Range Cracker For Botafogo (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

It's such a shame that English football fans never got to see the great Clarence Seedorf play in the Premier League. Anyway, the much-travelled, quadruple Champions League winner is still a fine player at the ripe old age of 37, arrowing in this superb effort for Botafogo against Nautico.

Serge Djiehoua Sent Off Three Seconds After Coming On, Reacts To Red Card By Bursting Into Laughter! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, three seconds after coming on as an 82nd-minute substitute for Gylfadas during theirGreek second division game againstOlympiakos Volos, Serge Djiehoua is shown a straight red card for flicking an elbow into the face of Olympiakos midfielderAnastasiosPindonis.

Spanish Architect Designs Perfect Football-Shaped Eco House For Lionel Messi (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

A Spanish architect by the name ofLuis de Garrido has taken it upon himself to design the perfect eco-house for Lionel Messi; a creation he calls the "One-Zero" with a nod to the wee man's squad number for club and country.

Describing Messi as his "fantasy client", De Garrido's design features a football-shaped central building, with the rooftop lawn laid in hexagonal sections to look like a football once viewed from above, with the double garage/entrance gate at the front of the property designed to look like the number one meaning the two structures together look like the number 10 from a bird's eye view: hence the name of the place.

Snapshot: Life-Size Terracotta Rafa Benitez Statue On Sale In Streets Of Naples…

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By Chris Wright

Casually on sale in the streets of Naples: a very slightly unsettling full 1:1 life-size terracotta figurine of Napoli manager Rafa Benitez, complete with ultra realistic signature paunch...

So many questions, all of them "why?".

That said, we still kind of want one.

BREAKING NEWS: Lothar Matthaus Is Not Dead Despite Being Mistakenly Declared As Such By The German Postal Service

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By Chris Wright

Matthaus: not dead, just a bit silly

Panic spread throughout the German footballing community yesterday when anofficial letter from a family court addressed to Lothar Matthaus was returned with a "deceased" stamp on it.

According to Bild (who somehow intercepted the correspondence), the letter was reportedly sent from theMinistry for Family Affairs in Munich on behalf of Matthaus' ex-wife, along with a demand for €35,000 in child support payments.

This? It’s Just The Spain U21 Side Messing Around In Training… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's the Spanish U21 side dicking about in training for a bit with a "players vs goalkeepers" drill in which the 15 outfield players are tasked with scoring past the three 'keepers in one goal a throwaway little game which also involves some of the most impressive close control, interplay and last-gasp defensive blocking you're ever likely to see.

‘I’ve Created An Unusual Pair Of Pyjamas’ – Pepe Reina Sleeps In Mario Balotelli’s Milan Shirt After Saving His Penalty

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By Chris Wright

A fortnight or so ago on-loan Napoli 'keeper Pepe Reina became the first ever goalie to save a Mario Balotelli penalty when he got a strong right hand to the Milan striker's spot-kick when the two sides met at the San Siro.

Given that he'd just made a little bit of history, Reina felt compelled to ask Balotelli for his shirt after the game and Balotelli duly obliged though if he knew what Reina had in mind then we imagine he may well have been a little more reluctant to hand it over.

Uruguayan Primera Division Side Club Nacional Construct Tremendous Team Goal (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

What a cracking team goal this is, brought to you from the Uruguayan Primera Division where a clash betweenEl Tanque Sisley and Club Nacional was lit up by this fabulous effort.

Club Nacional'sIvan Alonso scored the 84th minute goal, courtesy of superb volley, but it was the all-round interplay that really makes this goal worth watching.

Levski Sofia Fans Attack New Coach At Official Unveiling And Strip Him Of His Shirt (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Levski Sofia have been forced into issuing a statement to confirm that their new coachIvaylo Petev is to continue as manager of their club having only been officially unveiled on Tuesday after a group of boisterous Levski ultras invaded his first press conference and forcibly stripped him of his new club colours and attempting to shove him out of the exit.

Leyton Orient Blame FIFA 14 Release For Slump, Ban Players From Playing Game On Matchdays

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By Chris Wright

Just press 'start' to skip this bit

Noticing a direct correlation between the team's recent slump in form and the release date of FIFA 14, Leyton Orient have banned their players from playing the game on match-days in a bid to improve their focus.

Daniel Agger Gives Shirt To Young Denmark Fan After Accidentally Spanking The Ball At His Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here we join the Denmark squad training inHelsingor ahead of their World Cup qualifier against Italy on Friday evening, when Daniel Agger unleashes a wayward honker wide of the target and into the crowd of kids gathered behind the goal, hitting one poor unfortunate little chap square in the face.

Football GIF: This FIFA 14 ‘Dry Hump’ Glitch Is Just Downright Inappropriate

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By Chris Wright

Pure filth...

(GIF via Bro Bible)

‘English Players Should Play For England’ – Jack Wilshere Not Keen On Adnan Janujaz Getting The England Nod

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By Chris Wright

Jack wastes a bit of time until his next fag break

Adnan Januzaj. The guy scores a couple of goals against the team at the bottom of the league and suddenly the whole friggin' world flies into a dizzy froth over him. His is pretty much the only name we've heard since the weekend.

‘He Has Let His Profession Down’ – Graham Poll Shows Red Card To BT Sport Pundit Mark Halsey

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By Alan Duffy

Fight fight fight! It's fair to say that BT Sport's decision to used ex-ref Mark Halsey in their live match coverage has been an interesting new development. In his first few TV appearances with BT, Halsey played safe, rarely criticising any of the officials' decision on the pitch.

Harry Redknapp Once Kept £30,000 Belonging To Paul Merson Down His Trousers For An Entire Portsmouth Match

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By Chris Wright

With thirty large down his strides, 'Arry fixes up and looks sharp with the filth on the prowl

As we told you yesterday, Harry Redknapp's new book, "My Top, Top, Triffic Autobiography", is being serialised in the Daily Mail this week and today's excerpt is a corker containing the story of the day our compelling protagonist found himself with £30,000 of Paul Merson's money hidden down his trouser leg for the entire duration of Portsmouth's game against Millwall at the New Den back in March of 2003.

Artur Boruc Scores Silky Acrobatic Goal Past Wojciech Szczesny During Poland Training Session (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Little snippet from Poland's pre-Ukraine training session today, in which goalkeeper Artur Boruc upstages his outfield brethren by connecting with an impressively acrobatic volley and sending a shot bouncing up and over the despairing dive of Wojciech Szczesny.

England Squad Train At St George’s Park Ahead Of Montenegro Qualifier (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

'Tis a truly, truly momentous occasion people, truly bloody momentous! And, nay, we're not talking about the England squad going through their various motions while training at St George's Park this morning ahead of Friday evening's World Cup qualifier against Montenegro, oh no we're talking about Pies' fancy new (and ridiculously long-awaited) gallery format!

Nose For Trouble: Jose Mourinho Claims He Can ‘Smell’ When Goals Are About To Be Scored

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By Chris Wright

Jose picks up the unmistakable scent of John Terry

Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho has claimed that his highly-tuned olfactory senses render him able to "smell" various phases of football matches including when a goal is about to be scored.

After going 1-0 up in the fourth minute against Norwich on Sunday afternoon, Chelsea laboured for the next 80-odd minutes, conceding an equaliser and seeing Demba Ba fluff an open goal in the process, before two goals in the 85th and 86th minute fleshed out their 3-1 victory at Carrow Road not that Mourinho was remotely worried, as he could smell exactly what was on the cards, telling reporters:

"During the game I am not nervous.

Snapshot: Possible New Arsenal 2014/15 Puma Kit Leaked By None Other Than Thierry Henry…

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By Chris Wright

There is a photo doing the rounds today of Bacary Sagna, Linford Christie, Olivier Giroud and what is purported to be Thierry Henry wearing the new Puma home shirt that Arsenal will wear next season.

We've no idea if it's kosher, or just what event the the shot was taken at, but it's well known that the Gunners are making the switch from Nike to Puma ahead of the 2014/15 campaign and maybe, just maybe, this is what the new strip will look like.

Philippe Mexes Given Hefty Four-Game Ban For Sucker Punching Giorgio Chiellini In Back Of Head (Video)

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By Chris Wright

AC Milan defender Philippe Mexes has been saddled with a not-too-shabby four-game ban by the Lega Serie for thumping his Juventus counterpart,Giorgio Chiellini, in the back of the head during Sunday night's meeting between the two sides in Turin.

As the pair tussled in the Milan six-yard box while waiting for Andrea Pirlo to ping a corner in, Mexes swung a fist down into the back of Chiellini's neck and, whileit was hardly the most devastating blow, violent conduct is violent conduct baby!

Prince William Enjoys Jolly Old Kickabout With Michael Owen On Buckingham Palace Lawn (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

As they FA continue to milk their 150th anniversary celebrations for all their worth, two of England's oldest amateur clubsCivil Service FC and Polytechnic FC, both based in West London, played a full and proper Southern Amateur League fixture in the grounds of Buckingham Palace yesterday afternoon the firstcompetitive match ever held on Liz's front lawn.

Gus Poyet Officially Sworn In As New Sunderland Manager

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By Chris Wright

It'd been in the pipeline for a while but, as of this morning, Sunderland have officially appointed Gus Poyet as their new manager replacing Paolo Di Canio, who was binned a week or so ago for being...well, a bit silly really.

The former Brighton boss joins The Black Cats on a two-year deal, thus becoming the club's sixth manager in five years.

Snapshot: Real Madrid’s Official Letter Of Complaint About Faulty Gareth Bale Transfer

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By Chris Wright

No idea where this one hath spawned from, but it tickled our ribs so we thought we'd share: here's the "official" letter of complaint, sent from Real Madrid president Florentino Perez's desk, regarding Gareth Bale's world record transfer from Tottenham...

(Via Anorak)

Blind Player With 1% Eyesight Scores Penalty In Swedish League Game (With Video Evidence)

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By Chris Wright

The chap you see above you isAndreas Engstrom, who still managed to score from the spot for Swedish sixth division side Ulvsby IF despite losing 99% six years ago due to the onset of a hereditary and incurable eye condition known as Leber's disease.

Working as a train ticket inspector by day, amateur player Engstrom began to notice that his eyesight was deteriorating when he became increasingly unable to read the ticket stubs and several visits to the hospital later he was diagnosed with the disease,a genetic disorder that causes the optic nerves to gradually fail.

Rejoice, For Somebody Out There Has Finally Produced An 8-Bit Version Of The Champions League Anthem! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Praise be to Pies fan Gary, who emailed this little beauty over to us this very morning, and praise be to whoever this Señor Copy&Paste chap may be for finally being the one to produce a nostalgia-tastic 8-bit version of the beloved Champions League Anthem.

Pep Guardiola Attends First Oktoberfest With Bayern Munich – Never Has A Man Looked So Out Of Place! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

We can only imagine that, during contract negotiations with Pep Guardiola, Bayern Munich kept their squad's annual participation in the Oktoberbest festivities hush-hush given that watching his players happily quaff flagons of Bavarian ale probably doesn't sit too well with the Spaniard's individually tailored, surgically-precise diet and nutrition regimens.

West Brom Write Special Aston Villa-Baiting Message On Match Ball For Arsenal Game (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Today's match ball!!!! Did anyone notice? @KitmanPat pic.twitter.com/PJz9m0AxjV

— Gareth McAuley (@G23mcauley) October 6, 2013

It would appear that someone in the Baggies camp hand-wrote a special little message on one of the match balls used during WestBrom's 1-1 draw with Arsenal at the Hawthorns yesterday, with centre-halfGareth McAuley posting an excited photo to his Twitter account in the dressing room having noticed the daubing during the game.

Rafael Van Der Vaart Scores Sumptuous Scissor Volley To Spark Hamburg’s 5-0 Decimation Of Nurnburg (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hamburg have struggled to get out of the blocks so far this season, but a 0-5 walloping of fellow relegation zone-flirters FC Nurnberg lifted them three points about the dotted line of doom on Sunday, with Rafael van der Vaart's running scissor volley opener (and we're talking "scissor kick" in theDi Canio/Poyetsense here)proving the pick of the bunch.

‘The FA Haven’t Got A Clue’ – Harry Redknapp Wibbles On About Not Getting England Job In New Book

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By Chris Wright

An horrific glimpse into what could've been

Harry Redknapp has a new book out (presumably it's written like a two-year-old?) called "Always Managing: My Autobiography" and it's currently being serialised in the Daily Mail.

It's fairly common knowledge that Redknapp was, outwardly at least, in the running to get the England job after Fabio Capello was ousted in early 2012 though, much to the chagrin of every single buddyish journalist on Fleet Street who had been lobbying in unison for months to get their man installed, 'Arry was thankfully passed over and the top job was given to someone who wasn't and isn't a cartoon character.

Vancouver Whitecaps’ Camilo Sanvezzo Scores Bloody Blinding Scissor Kick Equaliser vs Portland Timbers (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Over in the MLS, Goal of the Weekend was snaffled without a single shadow of a doubt byVancouver Whitecaps' Camilo Sanvezzo when the Brazilian forward let loose with an absolute blinder of a scissor kick from the edge of area to equalise against Portland Timbers and make it 2-2 with 10 minutes left on Sunday night his second goal of the night.

Leicester City Keeper Kasper Schmeichel Drops Whopping Clanger, Concede Rubbish Own Goal vs Doncaster (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Doncaster Rovers beat Leicester City 1-0 in the Championship on Saturday to register just their third league win of the season so far but they did so without having a single thing to do with their winning goal.

After Rovers' Mark Duffy pinged in a fairly wet, harmless corner to the near post, the world and his dog were expecting Leicester 'keeper Kasper Schmeichel to merely gather the ball routinely under zero pressure and bowl it out downfield, only for the usually ultra-reliable Dane to drop an almighty clanger.

Tottenham 0-3 West Ham – Lilywhites Un-Ravel As Hammers Win At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 0-3 West Ham United Premier League 6th October 2013

Few would have predicted this result, with high-flying Spurs even touted as potential title-winners this season. However, at White Hart Lane on Sunday, the home side were well beaten by West Ham despite having most of the possession.

West Brom 1-1 Arsenal – Wilshere’s Lucky Strike Rescues Point For Gunners (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 1-1 Arsenal Premier League 6th October 2013

Arsenal hauled ended the weekend top of the table once again after battling hard for a draw at the Hawthorns.

The Baggies were the better side for large periods of the game and eventually went ahead just before half-time, when Morgan Amaltifino's centre was headed home by Claudio Yacob.

Norwich 1-3 Chelsea – Late Goals From Hazard And Willian Give Canaries The Blues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 1-3 Chelsea Premier League 6th October 2013

Jose Mourinho and co. looked to be headed for a disappointing draw against Norwich on Sunday, only for Eden Hazard and then new-boy Willian to pop up with a goal each to seal the win for the Blues.

Southampton 2-0 Swansea – Super Saints Surge Into Top Four (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 2-0 Swansea City Premier League 6th October 2013

Southampton have been one of the surprise packages of the season so far, and following yet another good win, this time at home to Swansea,Mauricio Pochettino somehow now find themselves in fourth place in the league.

Martin Petrov Signs For Manchester Saturday League Side Chorlton Torpedo, Scores Winner On Debut

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By Chris Wright

We've all been there: crawling into the carpark late, hungover and bloodshot for a Sunday League game only to be greeted with the news and subsequent pangs of dread that your opponents are fielding a ringer who used to play at a semi-pro level and that you're going to be tasked with marking the tireless bastard for the next hour-and-a-half.

Hull 0-0 Aston Villa – Tigers And Villans But No Goals At The KC Stadium – (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Hull City 0-0 Aston Villa Premier League 5th October 2013

With both teams missing their top-scorers, Robbie Brady for Hull and Christian Benteke for Villa, this game never looked like turning into a goal-fest, as the Tigers retained their unbeaten start to the season on home soil.

Fulham 1-0 Stoke – Stoke Boss Hughes Bent Out Of Shape At Craven Cottage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 1-0 Stoke City Premier League 5th October 2013

One imagines that Mark Hughes' default mode is angry bitterness. However, at Craven Cottage on Saturday, the former Fulham boss had good reason to be a bit miffed, after a number iffy refereeing decisions.

Caption FAIL: Match Of The Day Make Incredibly Outlandish Roy Hodgson Claim…

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By Chris Wright

Now that's just an outright lie!

(Image via @TelegraphSport)

Cardiff 1-2 Newcastle – Remy Bags Brace As Magpies Swoop To Beat Bluebirds (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Cardiff City 1-2 Newcastle United Premier League 5th October 2013

Former QPR striker Loic Remy was the match-winner for Newcastle on Saturday, with his brace securing a precious, hard-fought win against Hull.

The Frenchman, who was deployed on the left side of the frontline, bagged two fine goals on 30 and 38 minutes as Alan Pardew's men dominated the first period.

Football GIF: Man Utd’s David De Gea Makes Wonder-Save Against Sunderland

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By Alan Duffy

While Man Utd went on to win the game, thanks to the youthful class of Adnan Januzaj, if David De Gea hadn't kept outEmmanuele Giaccherini goal-bound header things could've bee so different (the goal would've put the Black Cats 2-0 up).

However, the Spaniard produced a magnificent full-stretch save to keep the score at 0-1.

Sunderland 1-2 Man Utd – Adnan Arrival Gives Red Devils Hope For Future (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-2 Manchester United Premier League 5th Octboer 2013

Remember the date 5th October 2013 and remember the name Adnan Januzaj, actually don't bother, you can always just Google it. Still, Saturday afternoon at the Stadium of Light saw the birth of a (potential) new United star in the youthful, gifted form of Belgian teen Adnan Januzaj.

Man City 3-1 Everton – Citizens Back On Track After Victory At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-1 Everton Premier League 5th October 2013

Manchester City bounced back from their midweek mauling by Bayern Munich to secure an impressive 3-1 win over Everton.

The visitors had started the game the better and went ahead on 16 minutes courtesy of a goal from in-form Belgian, Romelu Lukaku.

Liverpool 3-1 Crystal Palace – SAS Shoot Down Eagles At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 3-1 Crystal Palace Premier League 5th October 2013

Like an IRA gang gunned down in cold blood in Gibraltar, the sharp-shooting SAS took out the Eagles with consummate ease... Actually, hang on, I think I'm over-egging this whole SAS thing.

Retro Snapshot: Nigel De Jong Posts Fantastic Photo That Dates Clarence Seedorf Quite Badly…

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By Chris Wright

Nigel de Jong posted this fantastic, grainy image to his Instagram account yesterday which sees the Milan terrier aged around 11 at the time posing with his hero, Clarence Seedorf, many moons ago (around 1995-ish) while both were playing in opposite ends of the Ajax system.

Argentinian Futsal Team Pull Off Crafty ‘Slapstick Pratfall’ Freekick Routine To Score Last-Minute Equaliser (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Argentian futsal sideClub 17 de Agosto unveil their new, pre-rehearsed, Three Stooges-style free-kick routine to grab a dramatic equaliser in the final minutes of their game against Club America del Sud.

The routine sees Club 17 pairAgustin Morales and Aaron Antuna charge into one another in a moment of faux confusion while the delightfully named Chucky Arrieta runs in and hammers one past the flummoxed wall and 'keeper to tie the score at 9-9 with just 60 seconds remaining.

Eric Cantona Cast As ‘The Stallion’ In French Erotic Movie ‘Meetings After Midnight’ – The Role He Was Born To Play!

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By Chris Wright

After mucking about playing himself and "a man at a bar" in the likes of 'Looking for Eric' and 'Jack Says' over the years, Manchester United legend Eric Cantona has finally landed the role he was born to play!

Cantona has reportedly been cast as a bearded Gallic lothario, known simply as "The Stallion", in an erotic French comedy titled 'Les Rencontres d'après Minuit' (which translates as "Meetings After Midnight").

‘I Don’t Smoke… Honest!’ – Arsenal Star Jack Wilshere Tweets Back In Ciggie-Gate Row

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By Alan Duffy

A big palavar over not too much really, only a young man being a bit of an eejit, surprise surprise!

England's great white hope Jack Wilshere has gone on Twitter to defend himself over today's ciggie-gate hoo-haa, psoting photo of the great Zinedine Zidane puffing away before Tweeting "But for the record.

Lazio’s Ogenyi Onazi Shows Supreme Turn Of Pace, Chases Pickpocket Through Streets Of Rome To Retrieve Tourist’s Wallet

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By Chris Wright

Lazio midfielder Ogenyi Onazi has a bit of a burgeoning reputation for covering an awful lot of ground over the course of 90 minutes, but it was while dining with his brother in the Italian capital on Tuesday night when his turn of pace came in particularly handy.

Qatar Buy *That* 15ft Statue Of Zinedine Zidane Head-Butting Marco Materazzi As Part Of World Cup Hype Campaign

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By Chris Wright

Qatar are definitely getting their priorities right as the country prepares to host the 2022 World Cup. They may have inhospitable climates, no stadiums, insufficient infrastructure, allegations of Nepalese slave labour to deal with and absolutely zippo in the way of footballing pedigree, but what they do have now, thanks to a significant investment by the country's Museums Authority, is a five-metre-tall statue of Zinedine Zidane's headbutt to Marco Materazzi's sternum yeah, the one from outside the Pompidou Centre that everybody in Paris hated.

Arsene Wenger Riled After Jack Wilshere Caught Smoking Cigarette Outside London Nightclub (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Arsene Wenger has criticised Jack Wilshere in his pre-West Brom press conference after a photograph circulated yesterday which shows the Arsenal midfielder honking on a ciggie outside a London club in the wee small hours of Thursday morning.

When asked about the photo and the ramifications thereof, Wenger replied:"Well, I disagree completely with that behaviour.

Competition: WIN! Newcastle United Shirt In Swanky Limited Edition Presentation Box

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By Chris Wright

It's competition time again here on Pies.Don't say we never treat you! This time, courtesy of our friends over at Puma Football, you're in with a chance of getting your grubby mits on a Newcastle United home shirt, which comes in a very swanky, limited edition and totally exclusive Puma presentation box.

Football GIF: Wigan’s Nick Powell Scores Impressive Jinky ‘Slalom’ Goal vs Maribor

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By Chris Wright

Manchester United loanee Nick Powell made history last night by scoring Wigan's first ever goal in European football to spark the Latics' first ever victory in European football in their first ever European home game when the midfielder playing as a makeshift forward headed in the opening goal against Maribor in the Europa League last night, though he wasn't finished there, oh no.

Sanfrecce Hiroshima Striker Hisato Sato Scores The. Perfect. Goal Over In The J-League (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Don't know about you lot, but we're in serious need of a stonking world-class goal injection to get us up and running this morning, and this absolute pearler from Sanfrecce Hiroshima strikerHisato Sato over in the J-League is the perfect antidote to a grim, overcast morning.

Napoli Hoodlums Smash Up ‘Piebury Corner’ Pie Restaurant Before Arsenal Match, Fan Group Vow To Foot Repair Bill

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By Chris Wright

Though we've never been, Piebury Corner (@PieburyCorner), given their meat-and-pastry-based stock in trade, is an establishment very close to our hearts so it saddens us to report that the pie and mash restaurant on Holloway Road in north London was attacked by a large group of Napoli ultras around 45 minutes before Arsenal's Champions League tie with the Italian club on Tuesday evening.

Shit Football Kits: Spanish Third Division Side La Hoya Lorca Unveil Amazing ‘Broccoli’ Away Strip

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By Chris Wright

Segunda Division B (the Spanish third tier) clubLa Hoya Lorca have just got round to launching their new strips for 2013/14 and, while the blue-and-white-striped home design is perfectly nice in neat, sober kind of fashion, it's definitely the new away kit that is grabbing all the attention today for, you see, it's made of broccoli.

New Getafe Striker Ciprian Marica To Wear Nameless Shirt Due To Unfortunate Spanish Translation Of Surname

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By Chris Wright

It's fair to assume that Getafe didn't sign free agent Ciprian Marica for the replica shirt sales anyway, but the La Liga side are going to be hard pressed to shift even one replica in their club shop after it was reported that the Romanian striker may have to play in a nameless shirt during his time at LosAzulones.

St. Neots Town’s Rene Steer Scores 45-Yard Screaming Thunderbastard vs Canvey Island In FA Cup Qualifying Round (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There's a more than good chance you'll have never heard of St. Neots Town or their young centre-half Rene Steer, but we heartily suggest you sit up and watch his goal against Canvey Island in Tuesday night's FA Cup second qualifying round replay between the two sides.

Viktoria Plzen Goalkeeper Matus Kozacik Drops Unholy Clanger vs CSKA Moscow (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If you think Joe Hart had a rough night in the Champions League last night you'd do well to spare a thought for Viktoria Plzen 'keeper Matus Kozacik, who dropped a proper goalkeeping clanger against CSKA Moscow to round off his side's 3-1 defeat...

"Now I do not believe you wanted to do that, did you?

Football GIF: Bayern Munich Fans Mock Man City By Doing The Posnan

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By Chris Wright

Cracking bit of wind-up merchantship from the Bayern Munich fans at the Etihad last night, who followed a rousing chorus of "Football's Coming Home" with a celebratory Bavarian version of Man City's appropriated "Posnan" goal celebration behind Joe Hart's goal.

Champions League: Shakhtar 1-1 Man Utd – Taison Sucker-Punch Denies Red Devils Victory In Ukraine (Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Shakhtar Donetsk 1-1 Manchester United Champions League 2nd October 2013

David Moyes' Man Utd, without the injured Wayne Rooney, produced a decent away performance in the Ukraine on Wednesday night to secure a valuable 1-1 draw and steady the ship somewhat.

Football GIF: Jens Hegeler Wonder-Strike Secures Last-Gasp Win For Leverkusen Against Sociedad

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By Alan Duffy

What a cracking 93rd-minute winner this was, with Bayer Leverkusen's Jens Hegeler firing in a magnificent free-kick to secure his side a 2-1 win against Real Sociedad in the Champions League. Wunderbar!

Champions League: Man City 1-3 Bayern – Germans Head And Shoulders Above Citizens As Hart Flops Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 1-3 Bayern Munich Champions League 2nd October 2013

England no.1 Joe Hart had yet another night to forget against Bayern Munich in Wednesday, with the City goalkeeper at fault for two of the Germans' three goals at the Etihad.

FIFA 14: Top 7 Future Stars Worth Signing

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So you've got your copy of FIFA 14 and you're getting down to the tricky business of sorting out your team's transfers at the start of Career mode. The new Global Transfer Network is a welcome addition to scouting and managing your potential recruits, but today we'll look at something much easier: the best 'future' stars in FIFA 14, players that you can buy right at the start of your FIFA 14 game to groom into superstars.

Dorchester Town Boss, Aged 60, Forced To Register As Player Due To Financial Woes

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By Chris Wright

Simkin quaffs a cup of Cod Liver Oil in preparation for the game

Despite having turned 60 a few months ago, Dorchester Town manager Phil Simkin may find himself turning out for the Magpies for their game against Dover Athletic after the club's perilous financial position meant that every single member of the squad has been put up for sale.

Basel vs Schalke Interrupted As Abseiling Greenpeace Activists Unfurl Huge Anti-Gazprom Banner (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Last night's Champions League tie between FC Basel and Schalke 04 had to be temporarily halted during the first half when Greenpeace protesters unfurled a huge banner from the roof of the stadium as they abseiled down to pitch level.

Proceedings were interrupted and the match was stopped while security staff removed the activists from the premises and took down their banner, which was protesting against Champions League sponsors Gazprom (who are also Schalke's principal club sponsor) and their current Arctic drilling operation, as well as campaigning for the release of 30 fellow Greenpeace protesters who are being held by Russian authorities for taking part in a peaceful protest against the potentially disruptive oil drilling.

Football GIF: John Terry And David Luiz Do Perfectly Synchronised Little Jump Together

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By Chris Wright

We've got no idea what's so brilliant about this, but it's kept us amused for about ten-straight minutes now: Chelsea defensive pairsome John Terry and David Luiz doing a perfectly synchronised little jump together during last night's battering of Steaua...

(Via @SoccerBible)

Championship Snapshot: SHORYUKEN!

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By Chris Wright

Chest control: Denied...

SHORYUKEN! Doncaster Rovers' James Coppinger delivers a flying Tornado Kick to the face of Burnley's Kieran Trippier

Worthy of a booking, in case you were wondering.

(Photos:Lynne Cameron/EMPICS Sport)

Celtic Scrapper Scott Brown Sent-Off Against Barcelona For Swiping At Neymar (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The away side may well have ended the night with 82% possession but Celtic plugged away admirably to a 0-1 defeat against Barcelona at Parkhead in the Champions League last night, though they were forced to do so with ten men for the last half-hour of the game after captain Scott Brown was shown a straight red card in the 59th minute for taking the smallest of swipes at a grounded Neymar who reacted exactly as you'd expect: by flailing around like someone had discharged a red hot crossbow bolt into his lower abdomen.

Champions League: Steaua 0-4 Chelsea – Ramires Bags Brace Blues Batter Bucharest (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Steaua Bucharest 0-4 Chelsea Champions League 1st October 2013

Jose Mourinho has endured a decidedly patchy start to his second spell in the Stamford Bridge hot-seat, but in Bucharest on Tuesday night, his charges produced an impressive display, totally outclassing an admittedly weak Steaua side.

Champions League: Mesut Öozes Class As Gunners Coast To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-0 Napoli Champions League 1st October 2013

To be honest I was expecting a much closer contest than the rather one-sided affair that unfolded at the Emirates, with Napoli failing to live up to the hype and Arsenal producing a superb display, particularly in the first-half.

Ex-Labour Leader Neil Kinnock Kicked Out Of Seat At Fulham For ‘Wild’ Cardiff Goal Celebration

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By Chris Wright

Former Labour party leader Neil Kinnock now Lord Kinnock to serfs like us and "Baron Kinnock of Bedwellty" to give him his full title was reportedly kicked out of his seat while watching his beloved Cardiff City play Fulham at Craven Cottage this weekend after upsetting home fans by "wildly celebrating" his side's goals.

Paris Restaurant Add €30 ‘Zlatan Ibrahimovic Burger’ To Menu, 600g Of Pure Swedish Beef

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By Chris Wright

Seeking to offer a meat-based sacrifice to the Almighty Zlatan to avoid him ransacking their city and pillaging their livestock, a Parisian restaurant have added a 600-gramme 'Zlatan Ibrahimovic' burger to their menu which is, in their own words, "so big even Chuck Norris couldn't fit it in his mouth.

Adidas Release Debonair New ‘Limited Edition’ White Version Of Classic Copa Mundial Boots (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

The Adidas Copa Mundial is a nailed-on classic of the football boot genus and has been pretty much since they were first released in 1978 ahead of the 1982 Spanish World Cup (hence the name), quickly becoming synonymous with class, reliability and quality thanks largely to esteemed feet upon which they have been laced over the years: think Franz Beckenbauer,Michel Platini, Zico, Diego Maradona, Franco Baresi, Matthew Upson, etc, etc.

Least Surprising Revelation Of The Day: Roy Keane, Nicky Butt & Paul Scholes Used To Deliberately Kick Cristiano Ronaldo Every Day To Toughen Him Up

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By Chris Wright

Scholesy claims another victim

In what might just be the least unsurprising football revelation ever revelated, Phil Neville has lifted the lid on Manchester United's training sessions of yesteryear, in which he, Roy Keane, Nicky Butt and Paul Scholes took it upon themselves to hack Cristiano Ronaldo's diving tendencies out of him in a bid to curb his outrageous play-acting.

FC Nantes’ Lucas Deaux Scores Cheeky Goal Against Rennes By Providing His Own Assist! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the Ligue 1 tie between the two sides on Sunday afternoon, FC Nantes midfielder Lucas Deaux craftily circumvents Rennes' offside trap by ushering an offside striker out of the way and getting on the end of his very own through-ball and steering the ball around keeper Benoit Costil and into the vacant goal.

West Brom Launch Weird Facebook Competition To Win Jonas Olsson’s Blood-Stained Shirt

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By Chris Wright

West Brom have launched an ever-so-strange competition via their official Facebook page for one "lucky" fan to win captain (0n the day) Jonas Olsson's blood-stained match jersey from Saturday's momentous win over Manchester United at Old Trafford.

The competition blurb reads as follows:

"Okay, we have an utterly amazing prize to give away today!