Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2012

Usain Bolt, Yohan Blake & Asafa Powell Turn Up For Surprise 6-A-Side Game In Uxbridge (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Way back when on Sunday afternoon, Jamaican sprinters Usain 'The World's Fastest Man' Bolt, Yohan 'I Would Be The World's Fastest Man Were It Not For Usain Friggin' Bolt' Blake, Warren 'The Other Guy' Weir and Asafa 'This Is Getting Stupid Now' Powell turned up out of the blue at the Leisure Leagues 5-a-side pitches in Uxbridge and asked if they could play.

Shit Lookalikes: Martin Jol & Binky The Bully From ‘Arthur’

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By Chris Wright

Jol is the man who has just revealed that Dimitar Berbatov has come through a Fulham medical.

Binky is the clarinet-playing bully from Arthur; a cartoon with a fine, fine theme tune.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies?

Julio Cesar Bursts Into Inconsolable Tears After Realising He’s Joined QPR (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Champions League-winning Brazilian goalkeeper Julio Cesar (a man prone to boughts of acute melodrama) became the latest player to sign up for QPR's OAP revolution (they currently have no players in and around the first team under the age of 22 and have signed seven over-30s so far this summer), moving to Loftus Road from Inter Milan on a four-year deal.

Goodison Dog Scores Screamer Before Everton vs Leyton Orient, Marouane Fellaini Successfully Clones Himself (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Everton spanked Leyton Orient 5-0 in the CapitalOneRumbelowsMilkCupRolaColaFootballCupLeagueCup on Wednesday night, with new signing Kevin Mirallas scoring twice on his full Toffees debut after joining from Olympiakos just ten days ago though the goal of the night definitely came before kick-off.

David Silva Pranks Man City Physio With Textbook ‘Shoulder Tap’ Wheeze (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Bless David Silva's little heart, even his pranks are dainty as can be...

"Ehhhhh! You got Silva'd, what you gonna do about it?

Video: @MyBoywunder

Chelsea Kings Of The Big Spenders As Transfer Window Deals Hit £4.4bn In 10 Years

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By Alan Duffy

A new report from Deloitte puts the figure for total spending in the Premier League since the introduction of the transfer window (10 years ago) at a whopping £4.4 billion.

It'll come as little surprise that Chelsea come out on top as the top division's biggest spenders, with the Blues spunking £673 million (of mainly Roman Abramovich's money) over the last decade.

Snapshot: Celtic Players Cover Teammate Mohamed Bangura’s Audi In Post-It Notes!

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By Chris Wright

This is how Celtic pranksters Kris Commons, Joe Ledley and Scott Brown spent their Wednesday; covering misfiring striker Mohamed Bangura's Audi in hundreds of Post-It notes after the dud Senegalese forward was shipped back out on loan to former club AIK until Christmas earlier in the week.

Spanish Supercopa: Real Madrid 2-1 Barcelona (Agg. 4-4) – Madrid Take First Clasico Blood On Away Goals (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Despite getting off to a fairly naff start to the season, Real Madrid got their grubby hands on the first trophy of 2012/13 and their first Supercopa since 2008 overturning a 3-2 deficit from the first leg to pip Barcelona on away goals.

‘He Is Not Worthy Of Our City Or Shirt’ – Fiorentina Left Seething Over Dimitar Berbatov U-Turn

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By Chris Wright

It seemed to all and sundry that Dimitar Berbatov was on the cusp of joining Fiorentina yesterday afternoon, with a three-year contract waiting for him on the boardroom table at the Artemio Franchi as he flew in from Manchester.

However, it would appear that Berba had a sudden change of heart after touching down in Italy somewhere, 'disappearing' from the airport despite Fiorentina having paid for his flight with rumours abound that his agent had begun talks with both Juventus and Fulham while they were in transit.

Celtic 2-0 Helsingborgs (4-0 Agg) – Bhoys Back In The Big Time After Parkhead Stroll (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Scottish giants Celtic made it to the Champions League group stages for the first time in four years after comfortably finishing off Helsingborgs at Celtic Park last night.

Taking a two-goal advantage with them into the second leg of his Champions League qualifier, the home side were rarely threatened by the Swedes.

Tottenham Launch New ‘Half And Half’ Third Kit – Unveil It On New FIFA 13 Demo (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Tottenham's new Under Armour third strip for 2012/13 a grey and black 'half and half' affair that was unveiled earlier today in conjuction with the latest FIFA 13 demo (more on that shortly)...

Jan Vertonghen bloody loves it!

Farewell You Gorgeous, Incompatible Genius: A Love Letter To Dimitar Berbatov

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By Chris Wright

You could be forgiven for thinking the man had died, but no, alas, he's merely leaving for Florence. Fiorentina have offered €5 million in three installments, Manchester United have accepted and Dimitar Berbatov is currently onboard a plane to Tuscany where a three-year contract awaits his signature.

Swindon’s James Collins Scores Hat-Trick vs Stoke, Still Gets Kick Up The Arse From Paolo Di Canio (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Swindon saw off Stoke City in the Capital One Cup League Cup last night, coming out on top in a 4-3 tit-for-tat game which saw James Collins sticking away a hat-trick for the Robins, including an extra-time winner though it was his second goal of the evening which coaxed the most curious reaction out of manager Paolo Di Canio, with the coco-loopy Italian beckoning Collins over, hoofing the striker up the arse and sending him on his way.

Gratuitous Snapshot: Stuttgart’s Tamas Hajnal Hit Square In Face – The Split Second Before Impact…

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By Chris Wright

Taken during Stuttgart's 1-1 Europa League qualifier draw with Dinamo Moscow (the German's won 3-1 on aggregate), here's the split second before Tamas Hajnal has his face rearranged free of charge courtesy of teammate Shinji Okazaki captured for all eternity.

Champion Freestyle Footballer Andrew Henderson Does His Thing From First-Person Perspective (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pies are not particularly enamoured with the whole vainglorious craze, but we guess this is fairly cool if you're into the whole 'freestyle' thing.

Here's world champion kick-upper Andrew Henderson doing his admittedly impressive, though flouncy and largely pointless thing all the while wearing a pair of goggles rigged with a camera to present his skills to you in a POV/first-person kind of way to plug a 'zipwire trip' over the Wembley pitch (eh?

German Referee Dr. Felix Brych Struggles With Water, Duly Drenches Himself (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which German referee Dr. Felix Brych a well-educated man with a doctorate in law to his name struggles with the water sachets being handed out, asks Hannover 96 'keeper Ron-Robert Zeiler for a few pointers and then swiftly disembogue's the entire thing directly into his own face.

Shite Air Shot & Panenka Botch – Big Bad Double Scoop Of FAIL! From Udinese vs Braga (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Anyone who sat through Braga's penalty win over Udinese in the second leg of their Champions League play-off last night will no doubt already be aware just what an inept performance the Italian side put in a performance perfectly encapsulated by these two fantastic moments of highly-refined FAIL.

Shite Air Shot & Panenka Botch – Big Bad Double Scoop Of FAIL! From Udinese vs Braga (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Anyone who sat through Braga's penalty win over Udinese in the second leg of their Champions League play-off last night will no doubt already be aware just what an inept performance the Italian side put in a performance perfectly encapsulated by these two fantastic moments of highly-refined FAIL.

Maynor Figueroa And Simon Cox Score Crackers As Wigan Thrash Nottm Forest In The Capital One Cup (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

On their way to thrashing Forest at the City Ground on Tuesday night, Wigan bagged four goals, with three of them quite superb. Forest also netted a magnificent goal themselves, courtesy of Irish international Simon Cox, as they fell at the second round hurdle in the Capital One Cup.

Man City And Liverpool Wait In The Wings As Theo Walcott Stalls Over New Arsenal Deal

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By Alan Duffy

Bloody hell, first Robin Van Persie, then Alex Song and now it's looking increasingly likely that fleet-footed wideboy Theo Walcott could be leaving Arsenal for pastures new (and a massive new pay cheque).

The Times reported today that the England man, who lurches between speedy brilliance and brainless mediocrity, has refused to sign an extension to his current Arsenal deal, a deal which ends next year.

Snapshot: As Training Pitches Go, Bolivia’s Is More Picturesque Than Most…

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By Chris Wright

Pies' old Sunday League side used to train on a spit of dog turd-strewn bog, stuck like a marshy splinter between a sewage treatment plant and a HGV goods yard. The dizzying smell of burning diesel and liquefied human waste mingling on those warm, sticky, airless summer nights is something that will live with us for the rest of our lives.

Are You, Or Have You Ever Been, A ‘Full-Kit Wanker’?

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By Chris Wright

There is a phenomenon silently being chronicled on our behalf of which everyone is aware and yet dare not speak it's name the shameful, shameful existence of the 'Full-kit wanker': a grown man who is happy to be seen, striding around in public wearing a full football kit; shirt, shorts, socks, even shinnies the whole kit and caboodle.

Sir Alex Puts Kibosh On Chevrolet Doling Out Free Cars To Man Utd Players Aged 23 And Under

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By Chris Wright

"Get a good look at it you young'ns because it's the last time you'll ever bloody see it!"Â

With Chevrolet coming in as Manchester United's shirt sponsor as of 2014/15, Sir Alex has already put a brisk kibosh on any of his younger players' dreams of milking a gratis high-powered Yank Tank out of the company banning all players under the age of 23 from accepting sweets from strangers anything too sporty from the Chevy range.

Greek Referee Puts Striker On Goal Through With Absolutely Exquisite Backheel Flick (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the Greek Super League, referee Tasos Kakos (or 'Howard Webb's evil twin' as he's also knock) shows exquisite poise, touch and technique by putting the OFI Crete striker in behind and through on the Skoda Xanthi goal with a delicious backheel flick that'd be the envy of most flouncy midfielders.

Greek Referee Puts Striker On Goal Through With Absolutely Exquisite Backheel Flick (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the Greek Super League, referee Tasos Kakos (or 'Howard Webb's evil twin' as he's also knock) shows exquisite poise, touch and technique by putting the OFI Crete striker in behind and through on the Skoda Xanthi goal with a delicious backheel flick that'd be the envy of most flouncy midfielders.

Sir Alex Puts Kibosh On Chevrolet Doling Out Free Cars To Man Utd Players Aged 23 And Under

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By Chris Wright

"Get a good look at it you young'ns because it's the last time you'll ever bloody see it!"Â

With Chevrolet coming in as Manchester United's shirt sponsor as of 2014/15, Sir Alex has already put a brisk kibosh on any of his younger players' dreams of milking a gratis high-powered Yank Tank out of the company banning all players under the age of 23 from accepting sweets from strangers anything too sporty from the Chevy range.

Sir Alex Puts Kibosh On Chevrolet Doling Out Free Cars To Man Utd Players Aged 23 And Under

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By Chris Wright

With Chevrolet coming in as Manchester United's shirt sponsor as of 2014/15, Sir Alex has already put a brisk kibosh on any of his younger players' dreams of milking a gratis high-powered Yank Tank out of the company banning all players under the age of 23 from accepting sweets from strangers anything too sporty from the Chevy range.

Luka Modric Unveiled At Real Madrid, Has Bernabeu Kick-About With Three-Year Old Son (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Hiya!"

Real Madrid officially unveiled Luka Modric yesterday afternoon with his wife, Vanja and his wee sprog in tow in fact Luka's lad even had a quick kick-about with his old man in front of the cameras.

Yep, the kid's just three-friggin'-years old and he's already spent more time on the pitch than you're ever going to don't you just DESPISE him?

Robert Lewandowski Chops Down Marco Reus With Classic Schoolboy Prank (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Classic...

Hey Marco, enjoy your TRIP? See you in the FALL!

Video: 101GG

Liverpool Boss Brendan Rodgers Gives Rude Boy Raheem A Sterling Smackdown In Behind The Scenes Doc (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool fans will no doubt be happy with Brendan Rodgers' desire to get Liverpool playing sexy football. However, the Anfield faithful are also likely to be impressed by the Irishman's no-nonsense approach, which has been perfectly highlighted in a new Fox Sports documentary on the Reds.

Snapshot: Tottenham’s Official Twitter Gives Hastily-Deleted Assessment Of West Brom Performance

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By Chris Wright

Again, we must stress, this appeared on Tottenham's officially verified club Twitter feed...

It may not surprise you to know that the Tweet lasted about three minutes before it was stripped from the internet.

It's not as if they were lying through their teeth or anything.

Shit Lookalikes: Nathan Dyer & Sanka From ‘Cool Runnings’

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By Chris Wright

Dyer is Swansea's tiny wing halfling.

Sanka is the egg-lovin' Jamaican bobsledder who was, in fact, not dead mon.

Much love to Pies fan Ian Mendoza for the spot!

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.

Football GIF: Ajax Score Lovely Five-Touch ‘Liquid Football’ Goal vs NAC Breda

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By Chris Wright

Ajax catapulted themselves to the summit of the Eredivisie by tonking five unanswered goals past NAC Breda at the weekend with Tulani Serero putting a rather spiffing finishing touch on a five-touch passing move to score Ajax's fourth of the evening.

Exclusive Photo: Luka Modric Poses With His New Real Madrid Shirt…

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By Chris Wright

Via @bpfootball

Mesut Ozil Smacks Two-Yard Sitter Against Crossbar vs Getafe (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid lost 2-1 to geographic rivals Getafe yesterday, leaving them five points adrift of Barcelona way down in 15th after two whole games and probably surrendering the La Liga title in the process with Mesut Ozil guilty of botching a nailed-on sitter for the visitors.

Luka Modric Agrees Five-Year Deal With Real Madrid – It’s Over, It’s Finally Over!

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By Chris Wright

Crane your necks skyward and rejoice people, for it is over... it's finally over. As announced on the Tottenham website but minutes ago, Luka Modric is finally a Real Madrid player...

Said Real Madrid president, Florentino Perez:

"The strong relationship and affinity between our two clubs has resulted in the cementing of a longer-term partnership and the successful transfer of Luka Modric.

Liverpool 2-2 Man City – Impressive Reds Gift City A Share Of The Points At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-2 Manchester City Premier League 26 August 2012

A fine performance from Liverpool at Anfield on Sunday should have seen Brendan Rodgers' side take all three points against Man City. However, mistakes from Martin Kelly and then Martin Skrtel, handed the league champions a couple of goals on a plate.

Stoke 0-0 Arsenal – Gunners Still Goalless After Mediocre Draw At The Britannia (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 0-0 Arsenal Premier League 26 August 2012

Arsenal made it two goalless draws out of two this season after failing to find a way past Stoke's defence at the Britannia Stadium.

As expected, the Gunners had the vast majority of the possession but their RVP-less front-line struggled to create a clear cut chance.

Norwich 1-1 QPR – Opening Day Whipping Boys Share Points At Carrow Road (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 1-1 Queens Park Rangers Premier League 25 August 2012

Both sides came into this game on the back of heavy opening day defeats, but ultimately they would have to be satisfied with a share of the points after a fairly close contest.

Southampton 0-2 Wigan – Impressive Latics Spoil The Party At St Mary’s (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Southampton 0-2 Wigan Athletic Premier League 25 August 2012

Playing in their first home game in the top tier in seven seasons, the Saints were looking to give their fans something to celebrate. However, an impressive display by visitors Wigan spoiled the party and gave Roberto Martinez's side a deserved victory.

Tottenham 1-1 West Brom – Late Strike From Morrison Keeps AVB Waiting For Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 1-1 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 25 August 2012

Spurs boss Andre Villas-Boas saw a first league win in charge White Hart Lane snatched from his grasp in the dying minutes on Saturday.

Benoit Assou-Ekotto had given the Lilywhites the lead on 74 minutes after the home side had created a decent amount of chances.

Chelsea 2-0 Newcastle – Hazard Hot-Streak Continues As Blues Shoot Down Magpies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 2-0 Newcastle United Premier League 25 August 2012

Man of the moment Eden Hazard produced another match-winning performance for Chelsea in Saturday's tridcy late game against Newcastle.

The Belgian wunderkind scored from the penalty spot on 22 minutes after Fernando Torres was fouled, before setting up the Spaniard himself before half-time.

Swansea 3-0 West Ham – Beauty Batters The Beast At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 3-0 West Ham United Premier League 25 August 2012

A clash of two rather different styles of play here, with Michael Laudrup's smooth and sexy Swans starting well against Sam Allardyce's more prosaic Hammers.

Man Utd 3-2 Fulham – RVP Off The Mark But Whites Push Utd All The Way (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Man Utd 3-2 Fulham Premier League 25 August 2012

An early Damien Duff goal for Fulham did nothing more than prod the home side into action at Old Trafford, with new boys Robin van Persie and Shinji Kagawa bagging a goal each in reply.

Aston Villa 1-3 Everton – Villans Give Criminal Performance As Fellaini Scores Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 1-3 Everton Premier League 25 August 2012

Aston Villa, having barely strengthened their squad during the summer, were utterly dire at home to Everton, with the visitors going in 3-0 up at the break.

Steven Pienaar opened the scoring with a superb effort early on while Marouane Fellaini headed home his second of the season.

Snapshot: Morten Gamst Pedersen Scores Against Leicester, Delivers Prop-Based Comeback To Shebby Singh’s ‘Pensioner’ Jibe

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By Chris Wright

Shortly after scoring Blackburn's winner with a free-kick against Leicester this afternoon, Morten Gamst Pedersen raided the props department to deliver a delayed comeback to Rovers' global adviser Shebby Singh calling the 30-year old Norwegian midfielder 'a pensioner' recently.

Sickening Snapshot: Wayne Rooney Suffers Gruesome Gash On Thigh vs Fulham

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By Chris Wright

Wayne Rooney had to be taken to hospital after suffering the mother of all gashes to his meaty bits during Man Utd's win over Fulham today with Hugo Rodallega's slashing Rooney's thigh open in a freak accident...

Thank heavens that Dr Welbeck was on hand to treat the injury.

Horror Hair: Mario Balotelli Has Mohawk Grafted Onto Hoodie For ‘Fringed Dork’ Look

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By Chris Wright

Understated and refined as per, here's Mario Balotelli opting for the hooded option but refusing to surrender that mohawked look - going about his business in the Carrington carpark looking distinctly similar to the mad homeless woman round our way who steals all her clothes from binbags left outside charity shops at night.

Andres Iniesta Announced As Albacete Balompie’s 2012/13 Shirt Sponsor

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By Chris Wright

Shame that name's not on the back of the shirt instead!

Segunda Division B side Albacete Balompie have gotten around to unveiling their new strip for 2012/13 and 'The Clockwork Cheese' (that's their honest-to-goodness nickname!

Sunderland Sign Adam Johnson From Man City On Four-Year Deal (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

It's a done deal: Adam Johnson has signed a four-year contract with the club he supported growing up after tiring at becoming lost in the shuffle at Man City. The fee is officially undisclosed but known to be somewhere up around £10 million.

Nott’m Forest’s Lewis McGugan Thunders One In Off The Bar From 30 Yards vs Bolton (Video)

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By Chris Wright

So, Lewis scored his one goal for the season last night and a beaut it was to...

The game eventually finished 2-2, with the new, slimline Andy Reid's super scoop-di-looper 57th-minute equaliser also definitely worthy of another watch...

Nice.

100-Cap Irish Winger Damien Duff Retires From International Football

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By Alan Duffy

A terrific little player, Damien Duff has decided to hang up his boots for the Republic of Ireland after picking up his 100th cap at Euro 2012. The move by the 33-year-old comes hot on the heels of Shay Given's decision to do the same.

The gifted wideman has enjoyed a fantastic club career with Blackburn, Chelsea, Newcastle and his current club, Fulham, although it's probably fair to say that he never quite hit the heights that his talent, back at the turn of the millennium, hinted at.

Doncaster Rovers Chairman Promises Player His Bentley If He Scores 20 Goals This Season

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By Alan Duffy

It's fair to say that footballers are rather fond of a flash motor, a penchant Pies have already featured today. And it's this love of high-end cars which Doncaster Rovers Chairman John Ryan is hoping will spur attacking midfielder Kyle Bennett on to great things this season.

Snapshot: Bangkok Restaurant Unveils Liverpool Strip Made Out Of Condoms

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By Alan Duffy

It's in a condom-themed restaurant (yes really) in Bangkok. So there. Why? God only knows.

And who is the (bloody creepy) player supposed to be? Stevie G, maybe?Again, God only knows.

via @Twisted_Blood

Bloody Impressive Business: Wolves Rake In Astonishing £25(ish)m For Steven Fletcher And Matt Jarvis!

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By Chris Wright

They've done it! By Jove, they've actually done it! Wolves are going to end the day a mosquito's todger short of £25 million richer after successfully leaching every last penny out of Sunderland and West Ham for Steven Fletcher and Matt Jarvis respectively.

15 Spectacularly Craptacular Footballers’ Cars

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By Chris Wright

Footballers, eh? Masters of making the supposedly exclusive and luxurious look well and truly nasty and their cars are no exception...

1. Stephen Ireland's Pink-Trim Range Rover

We'll start by getting all of Stephen Ireland's infamously misguided vehicular acquisitions out of the way.

Chelsea Complete £7m Deal To Bring Cesar Azpilicueta In From Marseille

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By Chris Wright

Just a quicky to let y'all know that Chelsea have just confirmed that they have completed the signing of Spanish right-back Cesar Azpilicueta (Ath-peely-kway-ter) from Marseille for the princely sum of £7 million, with the former Osasuna man signing a five-year deal at Stamford Bridge.

AIK Fans Gave CSKA Moscow Players The Old ’4am Hotel Wake Up Call’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It was 4am on Thursday morning, and nothing was stirring, not even a mouse with the CSKA Moscow players sleeping soundly in their hotel beds, dreaming sweet dreams in lilting, pastel shades about merrily trouncing AIK in the Europa League play-off the next day.

Spanish Supercopa: Barcelona 3-2 Real Madrid – Valdes Drops Clanger As Barca Snaffle Narrow Lead (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Tangled up in Blaugrana

The first of this season's inevitable sequence of several thousand El Clasicos was a bit of a ripsnorter, with Barcelona taking first blood in the two-legged Spanish Supercopa final by virtue of a 3-2 victory over Real Madrid at the Camp Nou all five goals coming in a blistering second half.

Jose Callejon Clouts Ball In Sergio Busquets’ Face At Point-Blank Range (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pleasing, very pleasing. Here's Jose Callejon showing some true potential, clouting a loose ball into a prone Sergio Busquets' big breeze block face from no more than two feet away...

Completely accidental, we're sure.

Video: 101GG

Jose Callejon Clouts Ball In Sergio Busquets’ Face At Point-Blank Range (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Pleasing, very pleasing. Here's Jose Callejon showing some true potential, clouting a loose ball into a prone Sergio Busquets' big breeze block face from no more than two feet away...

Completely accidental, we're sure.

Video: 101GG

Football GIF: Liverpool Whippet Raheem Sterling Sends Cameraman Tumbling vs Hearts

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By Chris Wright

One of several bizarre moments in a fantastically entertaining game played at 100mph with the quality control set way way down, Liverpool's Raheem Sterling overshoots a block in the corner and wipes out a cameraman perched precariously behind the byline.

Europa League: Hearts 0-1 Liverpool – Reds Need Own-Goal To Break Hearts At Tynecastle (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool had to rely on a late own-goal to secure victory at Tynecastle on Thursday night, against a Hearts side that deserved more from the game.

Fabio Borini missed a load of chances to score for Brendan Rodgers' side, while Raheem Sterling impressed out wide.

‘Gis A Job, Tony’ – Harry Kewell Turns Up At Stoke Unannounced, Looking For Work

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By Alan Duffy

Harry injured. Again.

Once a veritable bright young thing of the Premier League, former Leeds United star Harry Kewell has seen his career not quite live up to its initial potential. Now, after leaving Aussie side the Melbourne Victory, the 33-year-old Socceroo is looking for a new club, with Stoke City on his list of potential employers.

This Beautiful Ruben Zadkovich Tribute Will Bring Tears To Your Eyes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Introducing Ruben 'The Aussie Voronin' Zadkovich, Newcastle United Jets midfielder (formerly of QPR and both Notts and Derby County) and one of the most naturally limited footballers to have ever graced the A League...

Such grace, such poise, such beauty.

Spot The Baller: Guardian’s Secret Footballer Appears On Camera For First Time – Who Is It?

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By Chris Wright

What you're about to see it The Guardian's 'secret footballer' (@TSFGuardian) first ever appearance on camera. If you're not familiar, the secret footballer is an industry insider, whose documents the riches, debauchery and pressure that professional footballers are subject to from a first-hand perspective.

Black-And-White Snapshot: Preston’s Alex Dawson & George Ross Hit The Showers, 1964

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By Chris Wright

Back when men were men and nothing was thought of a bit of willy-flicking in the communal post-match shower, here's Preston North End's handsome Scottish pair; Alex 'The Black Prince of Deepdale' Dawson and George 'No Nickname' Ross (aged a frankly unbelievable 24 and 21 at the time), celebrating their FA Cup semi-final win over Swansea as nature intended.

Paddy Kenny In Trouble For Sending ‘Abusive’ 3am Text Messages To QPR Chairman Tony Fernandes

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By Chris Wright

'Fernandes ur a bum faced git!' *Save as draft*

QPR have written a formal complaint to Leeds United demanding an apology after 'keeper Paddy Kenny allegedly sent 'abusive' text messages to QPR technical director Mike Rigg and chairman Tony Fernandes or 'doing a Kevin Pietersen' as it's known in the trade.

Man City Reveal Slick New European Away Kit For 2012/13′s Continental Excursions (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

To be worn for their Champions League away games and 'selected Premier League fixtures', here's Man City's rinky dinky new carbon grey European away/third shirt for 2012/13 available for pre-order from City's official store as of this morning.

Football GIF: Andres Villas-Boas Whips Out Stepladder, Climbs Stairway To Adebayor

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By Chris Wright

"When AVB gets there, he'll know,
By the dyed ginger mo',
That he's climbed up the stairway to Ade..."

In which Andres Villas-Boas gets out the stepladder for a Norman Wisdom-style hi-larious 'little and large' comedy photo with new Spurs signing Emmanuel Adebayor as if he'd just purchased some seven-foot tall NBA player.

Braga’s Ismaily Dos Santos Scores Incredible 1,000mph Blunderbuss vs Udinese (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Braga left-back Ismaily dos Santos equalises at 1-1 for the Portuguese side in the first leg of their Champions League play-off with Udinese last night with an absolute power bosher of a shot a shot Pies have measured ourselves using the latest high tech speed equipment: 1,000 miles an hour, on the nose, 0.

Always Good For A Giggle: Neymar Shanks Penalty, Falls On Arse (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Always good for a wry smirk: Here's Neymar gleaning a penalty by 'Neymaring' (outside the area we might add!) in the 16th minute of Santos' Recopa Sudamericana game against Universidad De Chile last night, and duly falling arse-over-tit while shanking the blighter high over the bar.

David Villa Fined €3,000 For ‘Impossible Without You’ T-Shirt Message

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By Chris Wright

The Spanish Football Federation (RFEF) have seen fit to fine David Villa the princely sum of €3,000 for the heinous act of baring an emotional thank-you message to his family on an undershirt after scoring on his comeback from a broken leg against Real Sociedad at the weekend.

Puppet Master: Brilliant Nike ‘CTR360 Maestri III’ Viral Sees Andres Iniesta Take Control (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Nike's excellent new viral for their new CTR360 Maestri III boots, featuring Andres Iniesta in both Pinocchio and 'real boy' form showing off their new jaundice-coloured footwear...

Here's a few shots of Iniesta and his little friend (before you start quipping, no we don't mean Xavi!

Chelsea 4-2 Reading – Blues Survive A Right Royal Shock At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 4-2 Reading Premier League August 22 2012

Another pivotal performance from Belgian wing-wizard Eden Hazard helped Chelsea on their way to a second win of the season at Stamford Bridge on Wednesday night. However, Premier League new-boys Reading made a proper game of it, and came close to pulling off a major shock.

Football GIF: Nani Has His Bubble Burst!

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By Chris Wright

Via the always excellent @BeardedGenius. We strongly recommend you follow him on Twitter for a cavalcade of this kind of stuff.

Snapshot: Jose Mourinho, With Your Face Like A Half-Buttered Bollock…

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By Chris Wright

Jose Mourinho, with your face like a grieving walrus, like a flaccid bollard, like a woe-betide-me, like a wilting erection, like an abandoned fart, like a footpath to nowhere, like a flatulent Morag, like a half-buttered bollock, etc, etc...

Beautiful, beautiful context.

Football Tat: SPORT Offer Opportunity To Fill That ‘Barcelona Shower’-Shaped Void In Your Life! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Yours for just €10.95 (as part of a promotion of some kind), Spanish paper SPORT presents the new Barcelona shower head now your shower can be more culé than ever!

The club's crest is laser-engraved on the top and 15 red and blue LEDs will turn the water a neon shade of blaugrana, meaning that now you can look like a total douche every single time you lather, rinse and repeat!

‘It’s Not Ideal’ – Everton Coach Kevin Sheedy Diagonsed With Bowel Cancer

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By Chris Wright

Terrible news emanating from Goodison today in that Everton's academy coach, Kevin Sheedy has been diagnosed with bowel cancer and will undergo surgery later this week.

Former Ireland international Sheedy, who played 369 times in ten years at Everton between 1982 and 1992, stoically reacted thus: "It is not ideal, but I have to remain positive.

Young Lionel Messi vs Older Lionel Messi – Brilliant Compilation Of Archive Footage (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Eight enchanting minutes of child playing like man and man playing like child...

Video: Youtube (thanks to Pies fan Matt for the tip-off)

Real Madrid Jump The Gun Slightly, Publish ‘Luka Modric’ Profile Page On Official Website

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By Chris Wright

Despite the fact that 'the saga' is still on-bumbling, Real Madrid are obviously confident that Luka Modric will be their plaything soon enough so much so, in fact, that their website bods pressed on with creating a profile for the Croatian on the official Real Madrid site.

Ignacio Scocco Finds Sweetest Of Sweet Spots, Scores An Absolute Ripper vs San Martin (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Newell's Ignacio Scocco finds the sweetest of sweet spots and lashes an absolutely unstoppable ripper of a shot, first time, past the 'keeper to score his side's (who also had Gabriel Heinze making his first start for the club since returning after 15 years in Europe)Â second goal in a 2-0 over San Martin de San Juan in the Argentine championship.

Andres Villas-Boas Logic Is Highly Illogical…

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By Chris Wright

"We won't get fooled again!"

The flawless logic of Andres Villas-Boas: Announce Michael Dawson as your new club captain, agree to sell him to QPR the very next day.

On Friday afternoon, when asked about who would be recovering the captain's armband from the sparking heap of component parts which used to be Ledley King, AVB told a press conference:

"We have our point of reference this year, which is Dawson, and we hope to keep it that way [.

Andres Villas-Boas Logic Is Highly Illogical…

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By Chris Wright

"We won't get fooled again!"

The flawless logic of Andres Villas-Boas: Announce Michael Dawson as your new club captain, agree to sell him to QPR the very next day.

On Friday afternoon, when asked about who would be recovering the captain's armband from the sparking heap of component parts which used to be Ledley King, AVB told a press conference:

"We have our point of reference this year, which is Dawson, and we hope to keep it that way [.

‘My Name Is Pablo, What Am I Doing Here?’ – Pepe’s First Words After Horror Collision With Iker Casillas (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Quite how they know is anybody's guess, but MARCA are reporting that Pepe's first words upon coming to after being knocked sparko doolally by Iker Casillas against Valencia on Sunday afternoon were "My name is Pablo, what am I doing here?"

The observant among you may notice that Pepe's name is not Pablo, nor has it ever been.

Snapshot: Arsenal’s Andre Santos On Front Page Of Sun Over Alleged High-Speed Police Car Chase

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By Alan Duffy

A late-night addition to Pies' this, but tomorrow's (Wednesday) Sun features Arsenal's Brazilian left-back on the front-page, reporting that the star was involved in a car chase with police.

Apparently, Santos could even end up going to prison.

Oh, and a quick note to his legal team use the precedent set by John Terry and simply claim that you were only 'sarcastically' driving at 130mph.

Champions League: Helsingborgs 0-2 Celtic – Hoops Hooked On The Swede Smell Of Success (Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

With Rangers banished from the SPL, poor old Celtic must be feeling rather lonely in the top tier of Scottish football. However, the Champions League does offer Neil Lennon's side a chance to go face to face with some of Europe's big-boys, should they make it through the tricky qualifiers.

There’s A Strange Old Mix Of Players On The New FIFA 13 Cover…

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By Chris Wright

At the risk of repeating ourselves, there's a strange old cocktail of players on the new (UK) FIFA 13 cover...

Ox, Hart and Leo? Makes you wonder what the selection criteria were.

We're guessing it was something along the lines of 'two darts thrown at the Premier League 2012/13 sticker album aaaand.

Peru’s New Home Kit Is Sun-Kissed And Rather Splendiferous (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

'Sun-kissed and set for success': Here's the subtly refined, sash home strip that Peru will be wearing once their ramble towards qualification for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil begins with a game against Venezuela early next month.

Frontsies.

Old Brazilian Lady Takes Live Pig To Atletico-GO vs Palmeiras (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Wallet? Check. Phone? Check. Match tickets? Check. Scarf? Check. Piglet. Check...

Eh?

Video: 101GG

‘Nobody I Respect Calls Me Joey’ – @Joey7Barton Wishes To Be Known As Plain Old ‘Joe’ From Now On

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By Chris Wright

Like Prince and Andrew Cole before him, English football's preeminent unemployed CTRL+C CTRL+V philosopher, one Joey Barton has tired of his earthbound moniker and wishes to be known as 'Joe' from now on complaining that it was the evil mass media who christened him 'Joey' without his consent way back when.

Caption This: Gerard Pique Has Seen Things You People Couldn’t Imagine…

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By Chris Wright

Showering next to Carles Puyol for years on end will do this to a man...

Via 101GG.

Football GIF: Lukaku Puts Carragher On His Arse Again, And Again, And Again…

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By Chris Wright

Simple. Beautiful...

Love how Carra even attempts to wipe Lukaku out with a despairing shoulder charge as he falls but his knackered little legs can't muster the gumption.

GIF: SB Nation

Football GIF: Lukaku Puts Carragher On His Arse Again, And Again, And Again…

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By Chris Wright

Simple. Beautiful...

Love how Carra even attempts to wipe Lukaku out with a despairing shoulder charge as he falls but his knackered little legs can't muster the gumption.

GIF: SB Nation

“Hello Phillip”…”Hello Gary” – Neville Brothers Warmly Reacquainted (Video)

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By Chris Wright

No idea why, but this made us chortle heartily last night here's hoping it has the same effect on you...

Snapshot: Kieran Richardson Stages Some Sort Of Dirty Protest To Force Sunderland Exit?

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By Chris Wright

Blimey, Kieran Richardson must really, really be desperate to leave Sunderland...

It's like some sort of dirty protest.

Thanks to Pies fan @Roger_Beckermen for the tip-off

(Image: National)

Shirt Printing Balls-Up Sees ‘Andesron’ Come On For Man Utd vs Everton

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By Chris Wright

OMG EPIC SHIRT FAIL LOL...

United have a long and proud history of completely fnarking up their shirt printing, with Andesron joining the likes of David Beckam, Tomasz Zuszczak, Ole Gunnar Solksjaer and John S'hea on the list of entirely fictional names to have represented the club over the years.

Everton 1-0 Man Utd – Fellaini Heads Toffees To Surprise Win As Red Devils Flop At Goodison (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-0 Manchester United Premier League 20 August 2012

"Hey, 'little boy inside me', you're getting a right kicking when we get home"

While man of the moment Robin Van Persie was watching from the United subs bench, the afro-tastic Marouane Fellaini was giving a virtuoso performance in the heart of the Everton midfield at Goodison on Monday night.

Alan Partridge ‘Commentates’ On Opening Day Of Premier League Season (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Alan Partridge commentates on the opening day of the 2012/13 Premier League season...

AP PL by SNV36

The keen-eyed among you will notice a startling similarity to Alan's inimitable promo for the '94 USA World Cup. Here's the original to compare and contrast.

Football GIF: Alan Pardew’s Hellacious Clothesline On Linesman vs Tottenham

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By Chris Wright

Pies are well aware that we're a little tardy to the party with this one, but as I was out reveling in Forest managing to score on the opening day of the season for the first time in SIX YEARS on Saturday afternoon, I happened to miss the Newcastle-Tottenham game.

First Photo: Alex Song’s First Day At Barcelona – Wears Snazzy Purse-On-A-Chain…

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona have gone for a Song and here he is, hitching a lift to the training ground by the looks of things...

Cool purse-on-a-chain bro.

Apparently, Wenger flogged Song because of a distinct lack of shits given during Arsenal's pre-season we have good reason to believe that Arsene wasn't fibbing.

First Photo: Alex Song’s First Day At Barcelona – Wears Snazzy Purse-On-A-Chain…

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By Chris Wright

Barcelona have gone for a Song and here he is, hitching a lift to the training ground by the looks of things...

Cool purse-on-a-chain bro.

Apparently, Wenger flogged Song because of a distinct lack of shits given during Arsenal's pre-season we have good reason to believe that Arsene wasn't fibbing.

Mario Balotelli Dismantles Photographer’s Camera In Tunnel vs Southampton (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's all fun and games (even Howard Webb has a wee chuckle), until someone's camera gets reduced to its component parts in the Etihad tunnel...

"He's bringing it back though right? Right?"

Video: City

Lionel Messi’s Fantastic Laser-Guided Throughball vs Real Sociedad (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Surgical stuff from Leo, sadly supposed Liverpool target Christian Tello couldn't give it the finish it deserved (sounds like he'll fit right in at Anfield)...

Barca went on to win 5-1, with Messi scoring twice and Carles Puyol, Pedro and David Villa (more on him shortly.

Snapshot: ‘Impossible Without You!’ – David Villa Scores Nine Months After Snapping Shin, Thanks Wife And Kids…

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By Chris Wright

David Villa made his first competitive appearance for Barcelona since snapping a shinbone back in December of last year at the weekend, scoring ten minutes after coming on as a substitute against Real Sociedad a cathartic goal that Villa celebrated by unveiling an excellent photo of his wife and two daughters along with the message 'Imposible sin Vosotras!

Man City 3-2 Southampton – Samir Saves City As Saints Shine At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-2 Southampton Premier League August 19 2012

You can have your modern pentathlon and your feckin' rowing, give me a decent game of football any day of the week. And on Sunday at the Etihad, champions City and new-boys Southampton produced a fantastic encounter.

Wigan 0-2 Chelsea – Hazard On Fire As Blues Impress At The DW (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 0-2 Chelsea Premier League August 19 2012

Despite a rather iffy performance in the Community Shield last week, Chelsea new-boy Eden Hazard showed exactly what he's made of at the DW Stadium on Sunday.

Newcastle 2-1 Tottenham – Ba Back In The Goals As Magpies Snatch Late Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Newcastle United 2-1 Tottenham Hotspur Premier League August 18 2012

Demba Ba finally ended his goal drought for Newcastle on Saturday, courtesy of a superb curling effort. The Senegal striker had struggled to find the net ever since his fellow countryman Papiss Cissé had joined the club, but on 54 minutes, the attacker produced a moment of sublime skill to beat Brad Friedel in the Spurs goal.

Newcastle’s Steven Taylor Hits The Deck For Backpass With Panache vs Tottenham (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You've got to love Steven Taylor; the guy just doesn't think like you're average footballer...

(Video via @CrablockerFishwife)

West Ham 1-0 Aston Villa – Nolan The Hero As Hammers Nail Mediocre Villans (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Ham United 1-0 Aston Villa Premier League August 18 2012

Big Sam is is back in the big time and got off to the best possible start on Saturday, as the Hammers secured all three points against an Aston Villa side that looked little better than 2011/12′s version, despite the arrival of Paul Lambert.

Reading 1-1 Stoke – Le Fondre Le Hero As Royals Peg Back Potters (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Reading 1-1 Stoke City Premier League August 18 2012

A late late Adam Le Fondre spot-kick rescued a point for Reading on their return back to the big time.

Summer signing Michael Kightly had given the Potters the lead on 34 minutes, after 'keeper Adam Federici had made a right balls of a shot.

Fulham 5-0 Norwich – Whites Dazzle At The Cottage As Canaries Fail To Sing (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 5-0 Norwich City Premier League August 18 2012

West London was obviously the place to be on Saturday for Premier League debutantes: while over at Loftus Road, Swansea's Michu was bagging brace, at Craven Cottage, Fulham's new Croatian hitman, Mladen Petric, was also knocking in two goals on his debut.

QPR 0-5 Swansea – Michu Were Here: Sizzling Swans Too Good For Ragged Rangers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers 0-5 Swansea Premier League August 18 2012

While former Swans' boss Brendan Rodgers was watching his new Liverpool side go down 3-0 at West Brom, the new man in the hot seat at Swansea was enjoying a five-goal mauling of QPR at Loftus Road.

Arsenal 0-0 Sunderland – Different Faces But The Same Frustrations At The Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 0-0 Sunderland Premier League August 18 2012

With RVP no doubt rolling around naked in wads of Mancunian cash this afternoon, his former team kicked off their 12/13 campaign with a rather trademark frustrating showing at the Emirates.

West Brom 3-0 Liverpool – Sweet Revenge For Steve Clarke As Baggies Batter Reds (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 3-0 Liverpool Premier League August 18 2012

Sacked along with Kenny Dalglish at the end of last season, former Liverpool assistant manager Steve Clarke oversaw a superb West Brom victory against his former employers.

Shit Lookalikes: Christine Sinclair & Gary Busey

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By Chris Wright

So sorry Christine...

Sinclair is the Canadian women's football team's leading light.

Busey is a batchy actor who makes Nick Nolte look like he has his shit together.

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies?

Football Ink: Liverpool Fan Gets Epic(ly Terrible) ‘We Are Sparta’ Tattoo Of Gerrard, Carragher & Rafa Benitez

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By Chris Wright

Epic, though we're not entirely sure in which sense...

Rafa Benitez in nowt but a cape, loincloth and sandals? Powerful imagery, we're sure you'll agree.

Photo: @LFCTravel

First Photos: Robin Van Persie In A Man Utd Shirt…

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By Chris Wright

Don't it look strange? Squad number to be announced later today apparently.

Jack Rodwell Unveiled At Man City By Haggard Old Italian Gentleman (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Seems like a good day for fans of photos of young men with new work clothes. Here's a few stills of L'il Jacky Rodwell being unveiled by a grizzled, weather-beaten Roberto Mancini at Carrington after completing his £15 million move from Everton earlier in the week.

Football Faceplant: Israel Keeper Dudu Aouate Reenters Earth’s Atmosphere Face First vs Hungary (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during what Google Translate reliably informs us was a 'trivial test match' between Israel and Hungary on Wednesday night, Israeli 'keeper Dudu Aouate goes up and over the top of Hungary striker Adam Szalai, only to crash back down to terra firma face first and in sickening fashion.

Harry Redknapp And Mick McCarthy Join ‘Match Of The Day’ Panel For 2012/13

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By Chris Wright

The BBC have announced that along with dug-in regulars Mark Lawrenson, Alan Hansen and Alan Shearer, the Match of the Day studio will be graced by none other than Harry Redknapp and Mick McCarty as of this Saturday evening with the pair tasked with bringing 'their considerable managerial expertise and experience to the country's most popular football programme.

Harry Redknapp And Mick McCarthy Join ‘Match Of The Day’ Panel For 2012/13

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By Chris Wright

The BBC have announced that along with dug-in regulars Mark Lawrenson, Alan Hansen and Alan Shearer, the Match of the Day studio will be graced by none other than Harry Redknapp and Mick McCarty as of this Saturday evening with the pair tasked with bringing 'their considerable managerial expertise and experience to the country's most popular football programme.

#TheBartonEffect: Olympique Marseille Fan Erupts Over Joey Barton’s Imminent Loan Move

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By Chris Wright

Word on the wire is that QPR reprobate Joey Barton is about to put the 'arse' in Marseille, with a season-long loan to L'OM said to be very close to completion this morning (with Marseille's Stephane M'Bia going to other way).

The reaction within Marseille circles hasn't really been one of 'bonhomie', indeed we believe this chap is probably talking on behalf of most fans when he says.

#TheBartonEffect: Olympique Marseille Fan Erupts Over Joey Barton’s Imminent Loan Move

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By Chris Wright

Word on the wire is that QPR reprobate Joey Barton is about to put the 'arse' in Marseille, with a season-long loan to L'OM said to be very close to completion this morning (with Marseille's Stephane M'Bia going to other way).

The reaction within Marseille circles hasn't really been one of 'bonhomie', indeed we believe this chap is probably talking on behalf of most fans when he says.

Sao Paulo Keeper Rodrigo Ceni Scores Physics-Defying Own Goal vs Nautico (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Veteran Sao Paulo 'keeper Rodrigo Ceni has made a bit of a name for himself over the years by chiming in with over 100 goals for his club, sticking away free-kicks and penalties like it ain't no thang for the best part of 23 years now.

However, Ceni managed to stick one away at the wrong end with terrific panache against Nautico in the Campeanato on Wednesday night coming to punch a corner clear, only to see the ball ricochet off his triangular knuckles at an almost physics-defying angle and then loop up and down over the heads of three hapless Sao Paulo defenders left agog on the goal-line.

Sao Paulo Keeper Rodrigo Ceni Scores Physics-Defying Own Goal vs Nautico (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Veteran Sao Paulo 'keeper Rodrigo Ceni has made a bit of a name for himself over the years by chiming in with over 100 goals for his club, sticking away free-kicks and penalties like it ain't no thang for the best part of 23 years now.

However, Ceni managed to stick one away at the wrong end with terrific panache against Nautico in the Campeanato on Wednesday night coming to punch a corner clear, only to see the ball ricochet off his triangular knuckles at an almost physics-defying angle and then loop up and down over the heads of three hapless Sao Paulo defenders left agog on the goal-line.

Russian Captain Andrei Arshavin Booed By Own Fans In Moscow (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Russia fans finally  got a chance to reply to Andrei Arshavin's Euro 2012 put-down in Moscow on Wednesday night, booing the pint-sized schemer when he came on as a sub.

After Russia's shock Euro 2012 exit at the hands of Greece, Arshavin had a little contretemps with some fans who were less than pleased by their team's limp performance.

Shit Football Kits: Wales’ New 1970s-Inspired Strip Is Red, Gold & Green – The Colour Of Boy George’s Dreams

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By Chris Wright

Behold, the 1970s-inspired retro kit which Wales wore against Bosnia-Herzegovina last night...

Red, gold and green the colours of Boy George's dreams. Lovely.

The Umbro kit is a nod to the last Wales strip to prominently feature any colour other than red, white or green the 1976-1979 home vintage, as modeled here by the gorgeous Brian Flynn.

Joe Cole Still Eager To Impress At Liverpool, But Has His Ship Already Sailed?

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By Alan Duffy

Ever the envelope-pusher, Cole introduces his new 'blowing the ball' skillz

From lightweight, free-thinking dribbling genius at West Ham to stocky, underachieving Mourinho-bot at Chelsea to forgotten man at Liverpool, the career of talented schemer Joe Cole hasn't really gone according to plan.

Struck By An Angel: Di Maria Scores Cracker As Argentina Stroll to 3-1 Win Against Germany (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

A weakened German side played host to Lionel Messi and co. at the Commerzbank Arena in Frankfurt on Wednesday night, with Jogi Loew's makeshift team going down 3-1 to the South American giants.

The Germans' cause wasn't helped when, on the half-hour mark, goalkeeper Ron-Robert Zieler was sent off after bringing down Jose Sosa in the box.

AC Milan Sign Up 10-Year Old Scottish Girl After Holiday Kick-About In Spain

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By Chris Wright

The only time wearing pink/purple boots is acceptable: On the feet of 10-year old girls

That young lassie there is Aisha Saini, the 10-year old from East Dunbartonshire who has just signed up to play for AC Milan in their annual European Academy tournament on the back of a kick-about on a family holiday to Spain.

Arsenal Fans Begin Burning Robin Van Persie Shirts – Sadly Inevitable (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal selling on their fourth captain in seven years was always going to create friction, but this kind of thoughtlessly provocative, sadly inevitable posturing really is beyond the pale. Burning effigies? Come on. 'Judas scum'? Grow up you spoiled pricks.

Arsenal Fans Begin Burning Robin Van Persie Shirts – Sadly Inevitable (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Arsenal selling on their fourth captain in seven years was always going to create friction, but this kind of thoughtlessly provocative, sadly inevitable posturing really is beyond the pale. Burning effigies? Come on. 'Judas scum'? Grow up you spoiled pricks.

Snapshot: De Telegraaf Concoct Elegant Headline For Man Utd’s New Strikeforce…

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By Chris Wright

Succinct, precise and to the point: Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf's elegant headline for their story on United's new strikeforce...

(Via @clarkEcap)

Snapshot: De Telegraaf Concoct Elegant Headline For Man Utd’s New Strikeforce…

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By Chris Wright

Succinct, precise and to the point: Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf's elegant headline for their story on United's new strikeforce...

(Via @clarkEcap)

Friendly: England 2-1 Italy – Happy Ending For Three Lions At The Wankdorf (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Resplendent in what looked like Poland's strip, England's overpaid, loutish footballers, totally devoid of Olympic spirit  like Chris Hoy or that one in the Modern Pentathlon, met Italy on Wedensday night in Berne's Wankdorf Stadium, only a few weeks after the Azzurri dumped them out of EURO 2012.

Is Piers Morgan’s Suicide Threat The Real Reason Arsenal Sold Robin Van Persie?

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By Alan Duffy

Massive Arsenal fan Piers Morgan (well he says he is anyway) is one utter gobshite. I think it's fair to say that all football fans, no matter who we support, will broadly agree on this.

Well, towards the end of last year, Morgan Tweeted that if RVP left the club, he'd throws himself off Sanat Monica pier.

Man Utd Agree Deal To Sign Robin Van Persie – Medical Scheduled For Thursday

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By Chris Wright

"Take this, I won't be needing it where I'm going..."

A statement has just gone live on the Arsenal website to confirm that the club have agreed a deal with Manchester United over the sale of Robin van Persie here it is, all 41 words of it:

"Arsenal Football Club can confirm that terms have been agreed for the transfer of Robin van Persie to Manchester United.

10 Premier League Players Who Face ‘Make Or Break’ Seasons

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By Chris Wright

2012/13′s gonna be a big year for...

1. Anderson, Man Utd: He scored a real beaut in a pre-season testimonial on Tuesday night, but it's fair to say that United are yet to get their money's worth out of the oft-doughy £17 million Brazilian.

Fabrice Muamba Retires From Professional Football On Advice Of His Doctors

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By Chris Wright

Six months after suffering a cardiac arrest on the pitch at White Hart Lane, Fabrice Muamba has announced that he has retired from the game on the advice of his doctors at the age of 24.

Muamba told the official Bolton website:

"Football has been my life since I was a teenage boy and it has given me so many opportunities.

Arsene Wenger And Robin Van Persie Enter Dramatic Crisis Talks! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Complete with 100% accurate Rotterdam accent, here's a dramatic reconstruction of the crisis talks which have been cracking off between Arsene Wenger and Robin van Persie over the past few weeks...

(Warning: There's a bit of fruity language in this one, so turn the speakers down if you happen to work in a monastery, etc)

Probably not a million miles wide of the mark.

‘My Hope Is He’ll Be Freed’ – FA Employee Roy Hodgson Hopes FA Will Clear John Terry Over Disciplinary Charge

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By Chris Wright

Roy Hodgson: Seen here summoning an elemental storm

England coach Roy Hodgson has gone on record as saying he supports John Terry and that he hopes the centre-half will be 'freed' of his lingering FA 'abusive language and/or behaviour' disciplinary charge.

Thought You’d Get Through The Day Without Seeing Chris Kamara Lather Up His Permullet In The Nuddy? Guess Again… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Chris Karama nude': Three words I prayed I'd never have to type consecutively...

Sleep tight.

Thought You’d Get Through The Day Without Seeing Chris Kamara Lather Up His Permullet In The Nuddy? Guess Again… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Chris Karama nude': Three words I prayed I'd never have to type consecutively...

Sleep tight.

FIFA 13 Gameplay Affected By ‘Real World’ Events – Actual Injuries, Suspensions And Form All Show Up In-Game!

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By Chris Wright

The likes of EA Sports spend vast amounts of their time trying to make their wares as realistic as possible, but the latest leaked feature for FIFA 13 may just be a painstakingly realistic step too far being as though the game's new 'Club Match Day' widget will feed real-world news, ripped from the actual headlines, into the game itself.

FIFA 13 Gameplay Affected By ‘Real World’ Events – Actual Injuries, Suspensions And Form All Show Up In-Game!

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By Chris Wright

The likes of EA Sports spend vast amounts of their time trying to make their wares as realistic as possible, but the latest leaked feature for FIFA 13 may just be a painstakingly realistic step too far being as though the game's new 'Club Match Day' widget will feed real-world news, ripped from the actual headlines, into the game itself.

Darren Fletcher Returns To Action For Man Utd, Anderson Scores A Cracker (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

It's not that long ago that question marks were being raised over Darren Fletcher's chances of ever playing football again, as a chronic bowel problem kept the Man Utd man out of action for the majority of last season. However, having already been called up to the Scotland squad this week, the 28-year-old made an appearance for United in a friendly game against Aberdeen on Tuesday night.

Football Pundits Go To War: The Sun’s Rob Beasley Threatens Talksport DJ Andy Goldstein Live On Air

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By Alan Duffy

Post London 2012, far too much has been written about the great Olympic spirit on show and how it shows up the greed and downright common behaviour of the Premier League's football players. This lazy comparison spewed out by writers who, more than likely, won't cover (or even feign interest in) another rowing or taekwando event for another four years, totally missed the point about the tribal (and bloody popular) nature of football in comparison to the totally different Olympic atmosphere and its plethora of minority sports.

Torsten Frings Asks People Of Toronto To Play ‘Pass’ With Him, Gets Utterly Ignored For Six Hours (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which former Germany midfielder and current Toronto FC captain Torsten Frings simply asks commuters passing through Toronto train station to play pass with him and ends up feeling very small after six long hours of people avoiding eye contact with him.

Sky Sports Germany Surprise Amateur Players, Transmogrify Lower League Game Into Full Bundesliga Bash (Video)

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By Chris Wright

To remind everyone of the fact that the Bundesliga season begins this weekend, Sky Sports Germany turned up at a Kriesliga (the lowest division in Germany) game between SV Lohhof und SSV Dillingen at the weekend and transmogrified their Sunday morning kickabout in a full bells-and-whistles Bundesliga clash.

Snapshot: Rowdy Jamie McGuire Locks In The Sleeper On Andy Reid…

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By Chris Wright

Spotted during Forest's 1-0 Capital One Cup (that's the League Cup to you fool!) victory over Fleetwood Town last night: Fleetwood's Jamie McGuire locking in a Rowdy Roddy Piper-style sleeper submission hold on Andy Reid...

"TAP! TAP! TAP!

‘It’s Made Me Feel Super!’ – Seven-Year Old Man City Fan Vows To Turn Down £1m For Ashley Cole’s Community Shield Medal

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By Chris Wright

A seven-year old Manchester City fan who walked out of Villa Park with Ashley Cole's Community Shield runner-up medal on Saturday afternoon has told any circling collectors out there that he's willing to turn down offers of £1 million for his new prized possession.

Nicklas Bendtner Has ‘Three Demands’ Over Potential Transfer – What Could They Possibly Be?

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By Chris Wright

As if told by Liam Neeson that he will be found and he will be killed if he doesn't leave Arsenal, kidnapper/outbound striker Nicklas Bendtner has warned potential hostage negotiators/suitors that he has some very specific demands that must be met if you're serious about purchasing him.

Mario Balotelli ‘Flex’ Celebration To Feature In FIFA 13, Motion Capture Provided By Jay DeMerit Of All People!

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By Chris Wright

Via the medium of screenshot, EA Sports have confirmed that Mario Balotelli's now-iconic 'flex' goal celebration has been included in FIFA 13 though all you sticklers for detail out there will have to make do with him 'hulking up' with his shirt on as opposed to the nipples-on-show topless original against Germany at Euro 2012.

Mario Balotelli ‘Flex’ Celebration To Feature In FIFA 13, Motion Capture Provided By Jay DeMerit Of All People!

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By Chris Wright

Via the medium of screenshot, EA Sports have confirmed that Mario Balotelli's now-iconic 'flex' goal celebration has been included in FIFA 13 though all you sticklers for detail out there will have to make do with him 'hulking up' with his shirt on as opposed to the nipples-on-show topless original against Germany at Euro 2012.

After A Record-Breaking 125 Caps For Ireland, Shay Given Quits International Football

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By Alan Duffy

One of the best goalkeepers to ever grace the Premier League, 36-year-old Shay Given has decided to retire from the international game after racking up 125 caps for the Republic of Ireland, a record for the Boys In Green.

The Aston Villa glovesman, oft described (erroneously) as a 'short goalkeeper' (he's 6'1″), wasn't at his best in Ireland's disappointing Euro 2012 campaign, and after much thought, decided the time was right to step aside.

Blonde Ajax Fan Takes Slightly Too Long To Realise ‘Late Winner’ vs AZ Alkmaar Doesn’t Actually Go In (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, with the scores level at 2-2, a blonde Ajax fan and her excitable friend take ever-so-slightly too long to realise that their side's 'late winner' against AZ Alkmaar didn't actually go in...

IT WAS ALL AN ILLUSION! MWUHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

10 Bold Predictions For The 2012/13 Premier League Season

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By Chris Wright

With the Community Shield done and dusted and Manchester City already a trophy up on everyone else, you know it's getting close there's ripples in the jelly and velociraptor breath condensing on the kitchen doors.

Not that football ever actually goes away these days, but the new Premier League season is almost upon us basically, you've got five days to say your goodbyes to your loved ones and family, source your cheap football shirts and re-calibrate your arse indentation on the settee.

Arsenal New-Boys Impress In Köln As Lukas Podolski Bags A Brace (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Only one week ahead of the start of the new Premier League campaign, Arsenal new-boys Lukas Podolski, Santi Cazorla and Olivier Giroud all made their first appearance for the Gunners away at Köln on Sunday.

All three impressed, although Frenchman Giroud did miss a few decent chances.

Disgruntled At Being Left On The Bench, Kolo Toure Gives Community Shield Winners Medal To Man City Fan (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

What being below Stefan Savic in the pecking order can do to a man

Narked at being left on the bench for Manchester City's largely inconsequential curtain-raising Community Shield victory over Chelsea at Villa Park yesterday, a jilted Kolo Toure allegedly handed his winners' medal over to a City fan as he sidled down the tunnel after the game as these photos (posted on Twitter) would appear to show.

Quite Possibly The Worst Penalty Of All Time: Red Bull Salzburg’s Jonathan Soriano Sends Abysmal Spot-Kick Into Orbit vs Rapid Vienna (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's an incredibly hotly-contested field, but Red Bull Salzburg striker Jonathan Soriano's attempt at snagging the 'Worst Penalty of All Time' title against Rapid Vienna in the Austrian Bundesliga is definitely up there with the very worst...

Either the whole Scommessopoli scandal has spread a little further than we first thought, or that was one hell of a shite penalty kick second thoughts, we know exactly which it was.

Football GIF: Eden Hazard Puts On Backheel Magic Masterclass

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By Chris Wright

Mesmerising...

GIF: 101GG

Community Shield: Chelsea 2-3 Man City – Ivanovic Sees Red As Citizens Start Season With More Silverware (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

The curtain was well and truly raised by Chelsea and Man City at Villa Park, with the two megbucks teams playing out a very entertaining clash.

Chelsea, starting with Belgian new-boy Eden Hazard (who did feck all), opened the scoring on 40 minutes courtesy of a rinky-dinky finish from Fernando Torres.

Snapshot: Welcome To Division Three – Rangers Start From Scratch With a 2-2 Draw At Peterhead

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By Alan Duffy

A flare is let off behind the Rangers' goal at Balmoor

Demoted and discredited, the mightly Rangers started a new, less glamorous phase of their existence with a hard-fought 2-2 draw away to Peterhead yesterday.

A capacity 4,500 crowd watched the Gers struggle to get anything out of the game, with a last-gasp Andy Little equaliser at least partly saving the blushes of the former giants.

Serie B Player On Hunger Strike Over Match-Fixing Punishment, Chains Himself To FIGC Headquarters (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Verona defender Emanuele Pesoli has gone on hunger strike over the three-year ban handed to him as part of the Italian Football Federation's (FIGC) investigation into the Scomessopoli match-fixing scandal.

The 31-year old has also chained himself to the front gate of the FIGC headquarters in Rome in protest, telling the Italian press:

"I am hurt by the sentence and I would like to confront those who accuse me.

Hannover’s Mohammed Abdellaoue Scores Nonchalant-As-You-Like Backheel Volley vs Man Utd (With Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Ain't no thang...

For the record, Manchester United won the game 4-3, with Wayne Rooney's peachy freekick definitely worth a watch here's the full highlights...

Olympic Football: South Korea’s Park Jong-Woo Denied Bronze Medal For Holding Political Slogan Aloft After Third-Place Game

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By Chris Wright

South Korea's Park Jong-Woo has been denied his bronze medal for the crime of holding aloft a political banner after his country's 2-0 victory in the Olympic third-place play-off game against Japan.

The banner reads "Dokdo is our Territory," referring to a group of largely uninhabited islands (known as 'Dokdo' in Korea and 'Takeshima' in Japan) which lie in an area of rich fishing grounds and natural gas deposits and over which both countries claim sovereignty.

Olympics: Mexico 2-1 Brazil – Mexellence Rewarded As Brazilliance Eludes Samba Stars (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Firstly, apologies for the shite headline. I couldn't help myself. Anyway, on we go...

Bizarrely, coming into Saturday's Olympic final, Brazil had never ever won a Olympic gold in football. And after a rather mediocre performance from the Samba superstars against a superb Mexican side, the gold once again eluded the star-studded side.

Liverpool Finally Get Their Man – Joe Allen Joins The Rodgers Revolution For £15m

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By Alan Duffy

After a fair bit of too-ing and indeed fro-ing, Brendan Rodgers has finally been reunited with his favourite Welsh schemer, Joe Allen. One of the star's of Rodgers' Swansea success, Team GB star Allen had  been linked with a move to Anfield all summer.

Arjen Robben Scores Fantabulous Rabona Volley In Bayern Munich Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Arjen Robben reminds us why we only despise him 98.9% by sticking away a fantabulous rabona volley during a Bayern Munich training session...

Technique on toast.

Video: 101GG

Musical Tribute To The Looming Football Season: Footballers Of The World (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Via Anorak.

Caption This: The Special One & The Godfather – When Jose Mourinho Met Al Pacino…

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By Chris Wright

Pies says: "You're outta order! You're outta order! That whole 'jumper draped casually over shoulders' ensemble is outta order!"

You say?

Real Madrid Train With Philadelphia Eagles, Sergio Ramos Kicks 53-Yard Field Goal (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid are in Philadelphia at the moment, gearing up for a pre-season game against Celtic at the Lincoln Financial Field tonight (the game is being shown on ITV4 for anyone who's interested).

In preparation, Jose Mourinho's motley crew have been limbering up at the Philly Eagles' training HQ and, as such, were guests of honour at their friendly against the Pittsburgh Steelers on the Thursday evening a game which saw Sergio Ramos provide the half-time entertainment by hoofing home an impressive 53-yard field goal (the current NFL record is apparently only ten yards further) to the amazement of the American commentators.

Real Madrid Train With Philadelphia Eagles, Sergio Ramos Kicks 53-Yard Field Goal (Photos & Video)

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid are in Philadelphia at the moment, gearing up for a pre-season game against Celtic at the Lincoln Financial Field tonight (the game is being shown on ITV4 for anyone who's interested).

In preparation, Jose Mourinho's motley crew have been limbering up at the Philly Eagles' training HQ and, as such, were guests of honour at their friendly against the Pittsburgh Steelers on the Thursday evening a game which saw Sergio Ramos provide the half-time entertainment by hoofing home an impressive 53-yard field goal (the current NFL record is apparently only ten yards further) to the amazement of the American commentators.

Olympics: S Korea 2-0 Japan – Arsenal Flop Park Fires Reds To Bronze (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

He may be a forgotten man at the Emirates, but in the bronze medal game at the Millennium Stadium last night, Arsenal's Park Chu-Young was key to South Korea's win over Japan.The former Monaco striker scored one and assisted another as the Koreans deservedly beat the Japanese.

Shit Football Kits: Glazers Hand Out Specially Embroidered Shirts As Man Utd Floated On New York Stock Exchange (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Ding ding! The Glazer Family have just rung the bell over on Wall Street to mark their club floating their utterly worthless $14 shares on the stock market.

To celebrate the big day, the Glazers handed out specially embroidered Manchester United shirts with 'MANU' (United's share trading code) and 'NYSE' (New York Stock Exchange) stitched onto them to the various stockbrokers and traders on the floor.

Horror Hair: Nile Ranger Goes For ‘Homeless Crack Addict’ Look, Pulls It Off Flawlessly

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By Chris Wright

"Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husband cause they rapin' erybody out here!"

Image: @Sammy_Ameobi (via @Luke_bainbridge)

England Squad For Italy Friendly Announced – Third Best National Side In World Call Up Livermore, Caulker & Bertrand

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By Chris Wright

Here it is people: the knock-down, cut-price England squad that Roy Hodgson has selected for the supremely poorly-timed friendly against Italy in Switzerland on Wednesday evening presenting, the third best national side in world football.

Olympics: USA 2-1 Japan – US Women Take Gold As 80,000 People Stay To Boo Sepp Blatter in Unison (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Carli Lloyd scored twice in front of a record 80,203 crowd at Wembley as the USA women's side won their fourth (and third consecutive) Olympic gold by beating Japan 2-1 in the final. Of the last four Olympic tournaments, only Norway back at Sydney 2000 have disrupted the American dominance.

Fiorentina Keeper Emiliano Viviano Drops Almighty Bollock, Wants Goal Disallowed Because Of Fantasy Injury (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during a pre-season friendly between Fiorentina and Galatasaray, Viola 'keeper Emiliano Viviano drops an almighty bollock, letting Umut Bulut's innocuous long-range squirt through him and into the net.

Quite rightly embarrassed, Viviano then dives to the floor claiming to have sustained a terrible 'knee injury' that prevented him from keeping Bulut's wimpy tinkler at bay.

Four Years Ago Portsmouth Played AC Milan In Europe, Today They Have No Senior Players Left

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By Chris Wright

That's it. With Liam Lawrence finally skidaddling out of Fratton Park this morning after agreeing to terminate his contract for a compensatory lump sum, Portsmouth now have no senior players left on their books. The two chaps you see there?

Juventus Coach Antonio Conte Given 10-Month Ban For His Part In Italian Match-Fixing Scandal

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By Chris Wright

After leading the club to a flawless Serie A victory last season, Juventus coach Antonio Conte has been banned for 10 months after being found guilty of failing to report match-fixing that was going on under his nose at former club Siena (then of Serie B) back in 2010/11.

Europa League: Liverpool 3-0 FC Gomel (4-0 Agg.) – Glen Johnson Scores Sweet Volley As Liverpool Win At Canter (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Liverpool beat FC Gomel of Belarus 3-0 in the second leg of their Europa League qualifying play-off to cruise through with a 4-0 aggregate victory. Fabio Borini scored on his home debut, with Steven Gerrard notching from close-range and Glen Johnson cracking home a sweet left-foot volley from the edge of the box to wrap things up as imminently inbound £15 million-man Joe Allen watched on from the directors' box at Anfield.

Kevin De Bruyne Gets Tricksy On Werder Bremen Debut, Nifty Turn(s) And Rabona Cross (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Having been farmed out on loan by Chelsea due to their vast reserves of nippy attacking midfielders, Belgian winger Kevin de Bruyne made his Werder Bremen debut (at least, we think it's his debut) in a pre-season friendly against FC Winterthur and pulled off some dazzling skill turning his marker's internal organs inside out with a series of nifty turns before clipping a flashy 'rabona' cross into the mixer.

Arsenal Ladies Planning Bid For Olympic Boxing Champ Katie Taylor

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By Alan Duffy

After securing the first-ever women's Lightweight boxing gold-medallist, Irish heroine Katie Taylor was rumoured to be on the radar of Women's Super League champions Arsenal.

The Bray-born 26-year-old is an experienced Irish football international, representing the Girls In Green on 40 occasions.

Agent Claims Clutch Of PL Clubs Chasing Michael Owen, But Can The Striker Still Cut It At The Top?

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By Alan Duffy

The Beeb is reporting that, according to Michael Owen's agent, there are a number of Premier League clubs chasing the signature of his injury-plagued, horse-owning client.

Now the hooftastic Stoke City have already been linked to the out-of-contract Owen this summer, but the identity of the other  clubs reportedly sniffing around the player remain unknown.

Friendly: Kaka Mucks In As Real Madrid Pulverise AC Milan 5-1 At Yankee Stadium (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

So tender

Meanwhile, over at Yankee Stadium, Real Madrid tore a few strips off AC Milan in a pre-season friendly last night with Angel Di Maria, Cristiano Ronaldo (2), Sergio Ramos and Jose Callejon all netting for the Spaniards (with Kaka weighing in with three assists) and Robinho scoring Milan's one and only.

Man Utd Gazumped By PSG Over €45m Lucas Moura, But Still Keen On RVP

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By Alan Duffy

19-year-old Brazilian attacker Lucas Moura was within touching distance of becoming a Man Utd player when nouveau riche PSG jumped in to gazump the Old Trafford giants courtesy of a whopping €45m bid for the player.

According to Moura's agent, Wagner Ribeiro, a deal had already been agreed for the Sao Paulo youngster to join the Red Devils.

Grab some front row tickets for Hyde Park Olympic fest on Saturday

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Fancy being at the very front for the Olympics finale in Hyde Park on Saturday? We have two sets of four tickets to give away courtesy of BT. They are for The Golden Circle which is the bit at the front next to the stage so you get the best view of the screen, the bands etc.

Throughout The Olympics BT has been offering free Wifi to its customers in the main venues.

Stoke City Break Exciting New Ground, Become First Club To Use Two Rows Of Advertising Boards

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By Chris Wright

Like this, only... better!

Stoke City have pioneered their way to a few footballing firsts of late; famously becoming the first side to openly field a gibbon in their first team a few years back and, in the process, also finding themselves ahead of the curve by providing said gibbon with a cutting-edge smock to wipe his balls off on.

Football Ink: Daniel Agger Has ‘YNWA’ Tattooed On Knuckles

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By Chris Wright

With rumblings over his immediate future gaining steady momentum this week, much-fancied Liverpool centre-half Dan Agger has gone 'full Scouse' and had 'YNWA' ('You'll Never Walk Alone' for the uninitiated) tattooed across his knuckles as a show of solidarity.

Want To Hear A Finnish Power Ballad About Sami Hyppia? Of Course You Do… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's generally accepted that Sami Hyppia was and is the greatest, most effortlessly cool centre-back of his generation, so it's only fitting that the gorgeously lank Finnish defender should have days dedicated in his honour, children named after him and sonnets and power ballads written about him and fellow countrymen 'The Left Foot Company' have done just that, penning the achingly beautiful 'Big Sam (The Great Defender)' as a loving tribute to the flaxen-haired Finn.

Tony Hibbert Finally Scores First Everton Goal, Goodison Park Erupts! (Video)

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By Chris Wright

They said it could never happen, but in his testimonial game against AEK Athens last night, Tony Hibbert finally, finally scored his first goal for Everton.

After almost 11 years and 309 games of dedicated service without so much as troubling an opposition 'keeper, Hibbo powered a 20-yard free-kick in at Dimitris Konstantopoulous'Â near post and sent Goodison into rapture sparking a mass congratulatory pitch invasion as 17,500-odd Evertonian's sang 'Tony Hibbert, he scores when he wants' in unison as they deliriously celebrated something they thought they'd never get to see in their lifetime.

Lille Rope In Every Man And His Dog To Unveil Brooding Black 2012/13 European Kit (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Lille have gotten around to unveiling the blacked-out Umbro third shirt they plan to wear in Europe throughout 2012/13, with Les Dogues roping in every man and his dog (quite literally) to show of their new clobber on the streets of the French city just click for full-sized images.

Snapshot: Both Of These Men Are Football Club Presidents…

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By Chris Wright

Both of these dapper gents are football club presidents...

The two club's are Rapid Vienna and Vojvodina if you were wondering (seen shaking hands after the 'fake whistle' debacle last week).

We'll let you decide which president is which!

Harry Redknapp Back In Work, Shills For Sky Sports – Typing Scene Punches Big Holes In Tax Evasion Defence? (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Harry Redknapp is back in work, shilling for Sky Sports by plugging their new Fantasy Football game in an advert in which he can clearly been seen operating a computer keyboard with impressive dexterity (we estimate a typing rate of approx 70 words a minute your honour) despite trotting out the old 'How could I diddle me taxes?

BBC Pundit Garth Crooks Admires Brazil’s Revolutionary 4-2-1-3-1 Formation (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Garth forgets to show his working, Jake Bamzooki wets himself...

Via @Zonal_Marking

England Up To All-Time High Third Place In FIFA World Rankings – Behind Only Germany And Spain!

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By Chris Wright

Not that they matter one iota, but England have moved up into third place in FIFA's World Rankings an all-time high despite not playing a single competitive game in the month of July.

Yep. Due to whatever ridiculous algorithms FIFA use to construct their pointless dung heap, now only Germany and all-conquering reigning World and double European champions Spain are above Roy Hodgson's boys in the standings.

Olympics: Japan 1-3 Mexico: Naff Semi Peppered With Delightful Goals As El Tri Reach Final (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"Kiss the rain, whenever you need me..."

Mexico came from behind to book themselves a berth in the Olympic final, overturning Yuki Otso's splendid 25-yard drive by putting the first three goals Japan have conceded in the entire tournament past 'keeper Shuichi Gonda.

Klaas-Jan Huntelaar Forced To Wash Benedikt Howedes’ Car After Losing Euro 2012 Bet (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Klaas-Jan Huntelaar sets about washing and valeting Schalke teammate Benedikt Howedes' car after losing a bet over whose national team would perform better at Euro 2012.

As is to be expected when two men are armed with high pressure jet washers, it doesn't take long before a big, wet war breaks out.

Olympics: Brazil 3-0 South Korea – Selecao Waft Past Korea And Into Gold Medal Match (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Neymar takes his instructions to 'crush South Korea' a little too literally

Despite a brief period of early South Korean dominance and a largely crap first half, Brazil more or less sauntered through to the Olympic final with a comfortable 3-0 win at Old Trafford courtesy of a goal from Romulo and a second-half double from Leandro Damiao who now sits pretty at the top of the scoring charts having taken his tournament tally to six.

Olympics: Brazil 3-0 South Korea – Selecao Waft Past Korea And Into Gold Medal Match (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Neymar takes his instructions to 'crush South Korea' a little too literally

Despite a brief period of early South Korean dominance and a largely crap first half, Brazil more or less sauntered through to the Olympic final with a comfortable 3-0 win at Old Trafford courtesy of a goal from Romulo and a second-half double from Leandro Damiao who now sits pretty at the top of the scoring charts having taken his tournament tally to six.

Drake Raps About Mario Balotelli In New Aaliyah Song ‘Enough Said’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

For those with a keen eye for detail, you'll no doubt notice that R&B chantuese Aaliyah died some 11 years ago, though in the grandest pop tradition that hasn't stopped record execs raking over her half-finished demos, tacking on some featured artists and flashy production to fill in the holes and releasing these patchwork nothings as 'new material'.

Drake Raps About Mario Balotelli In New Aaliyah Song ‘Enough Said’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

For those with a keen eye for detail, you'll no doubt notice that R&B chantuese Aaliyah died some 11 years ago, though in the grandest pop tradition that hasn't stopped record execs raking over her half-finished demos, tacking on some featured artists and flashy production to fill in the holes and releasing these patchwork nothings as 'new material'.

Tottenham’s 1984 UEFA Cup ‘Chicken-Choker Mystery’ Solved: Hadjuk Split Fan Confesses To Murder Most Fowl

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By Chris Wright

Back in 1984, Tottenham's UEFA Cup semi-final against Hajduk Split was forever besmirched by the image of an irate Split fan encroaching onto the pitch and breaking a live cockerel's neck before kick-off. The protest was seen as a 'hostile act' by UEFA, who duly fined the Croatian club 3,000 Swiss francs and banned them from playing home games within a 300km radius of their Poljud stadium for a fair old while.

Horror Hair: Andrea Pirlo Sprouts Luscious ‘Chuck Norris’ Beard

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By Chris Wright

Pirlo: Texas Ranger...

Via @coucamaya

‘Usain I Couldn’t Play For United?’ – Sprint Super-Hero Bolt Ready For Red Devils Run-Out

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By Alan Duffy

Hot on the heels of his explosive 100m victory at London 2012, Jamaican megastar Usain Bolt has reiterated his desire to play for his beloved Man Utd.

The sprinter visited Sir Alex and co back in 2009, when he floated the idea of having a trial with the club.

Ravel Morrison Joins Birmingham On Loan, Has Seven Teeth Removed To Celebrate

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By Chris Wright

We've heard it said before that people would rather have teeth pulled than spend a year in Birmingham (joking... some of my best friends are Brummies... honest), but Ravel Morrison has taken the whole thing a little too literally joining Birmingham City on a season-long loan from West Ham and having seven teeth pulled in order to do so.

Ravel Morrison Joins Birmingham On Loan, Has Seven Teeth Removed To Celebrate

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By Chris Wright

We've heard it said before that people would rather have teeth pulled than spend a year in Birmingham (joking... some of my best friends are Brummies... honest), but Ravel Morrison has taken the whole thing a little too literally joining Birmingham City on a season-long loan from West Ham and having seven teeth pulled in order to do so.

First Photos: Santi Cazorla In An Arsenal Shirt – The Deal Is Done!

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By Alan Duffy

It's official, Santi Cazorla has joined Arsenal for a fee believed to be somewhere in the £15 million range. In short, it's a bit of a bloody bargain. As we've already noted, we're super, super excited to see him take to a Premier League pitch.

First Photos: Santi Cazorla In An Arsenal Shirt – The Deal Is Done!

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By Alan Duffy

It's official, Santi Cazorla has joined Arsenal for a fee believed to be somewhere in the £15 million range. In short, it's a bit of a bloody bargain. As we've already noted, we're super, super excited to see him take to a Premier League pitch.

Olympics: USA 4-3 Canada (AET) – Alex Morgan Pops Up In 122nd Minute To Settle Semi-Final Cracker (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

The US Women's side snaffled themselves a place in the Olympic final after eventually coming out on top in a rip-snorting semi-final against Canada at Old Trafford in which they fell behind on no less than three occasions.

Canada's focal point, striker Christine Sinclair scored a hat-trick on the evening, but two goals from Megan Rapinoe (including one directly from a corner) and an Abby Wambach penalty hauled the US level at the 90-minute mark before Alex Morgan nodded home in the 122nd minute of the game to spirit her side into the final and set up a grudge match against the Japanese womens' side that thwarted the Yankettes' World Cup dreams but a year ago.

Olympics: USA 4-3 Canada (AET) – Alex Morgan Pops Up In 122nd Minute To Settle Semi-Final Cracker (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

The US Women's side snaffled themselves a place in the Olympic final after eventually coming out on top in a rip-snorting semi-final against Canada at Old Trafford in which they fell behind on no less than three occasions.

Canada's focal point, striker Christine Sinclair scored a hat-trick on the evening, but two goals from Megan Rapinoe (including one directly from a corner) and an Abby Wambach penalty hauled the US level at the 90-minute mark before Alex Morgan nodded home in the 122nd minute of the game to spirit her side into the final and set up a grudge match against the Japanese womens' side that thwarted the Yankettes' World Cup dreams but a year ago.

Man Utd’s Darren Fletcher On Road To Recovery, Set To Train With Scotland This Week

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By Alan Duffy

Only recently, more question marks were raised over Darren Fletcher's playing career by none other than his Manchester United boss, Sir Alex Ferguson. However, Scotland boss Craig Levein has now announced that the 28-year-old United star will link up the national side ahead of their friendly against Austrailian on August 15th.

Clarence Seedorf Opens His Account In Brazil, Scores Cracking Free-Kick For Botafogo (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Clarence Seedorf's magnificent career just goes on and on. After pretty much conquering Europe, the Dutch midfielder now finds himself in Brazil with Botafogo. And in his fourth game with the Rio Di Janeiro side, the 36-year-old converted a superb free-kick to level the scores with Atletico Goianiense 1-1.

Ireland Goes Sadly Retro: Banana Thrown At Gael Clichy During Man City Friendly In Limerick

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By Alan Duffy

It must be retro-week in football. First English fans rioting in Europe and now bananas being thrown at black players.

In a story which makes me, an Irishman, weep with despair, Man City's Gael Clichy has complained that a banana was thrown at him during his side's friendly game with League of Ireland side Limerick City at Thomond Park on Sunday.

Shit Lookalikes: Women’s Triple Jumper Yamile Aldama & Ronaldinho

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By Chris Wright

So sorry Yamile...

Got a Shit Lookalike (we're on a bit of an Olympic kick at the moment, so bear that in mind) for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet us on @waatpies.

‘No Sponsor, No Kit!’ – Sunday League Playford FC Vow To Play In Underwear Until Sponsor Is Found (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Hot on the heels of Kendal Town's naff 'fake beards' sponsorship comes this from Suffolk-based Sunday league side Playford FC, who have found themselves in the unenviable position of being without a sponsor going into the 2012/13 season.

Blackburn Rovers Friendly Called Off After Fans Riot In Holland

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By Alan Duffy

In a retro throwback to English football's darker days, Blackburn Rovers' fans have apparently been rioting during their club's tour of the Netherlands, although it seems as though the host fans have been just as much to blame.

Rovers were meant to be played Dutch side NEC Nijmegan on Sunday afternoon, but the game was called off by the police due to the apparent threat of more violence.

Sami Khedira Shows Exquisite Technique, Scores With Face vs Santos Laguna (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid beat Santos Laguna 2-1 in the World Football Challenge (?) last night and Sami Khedira's second-half winner was a thing of true beauty fluke, with the Santos Laguna 'keeper parrying Karim Benzema's shot directly off Khedira's face from point-blank range and back into the goal.

Sami Khedira Shows Exquisite Technique, Scores With Face vs Santos Laguna (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid beat Santos Laguna 2-1 in the World Football Challenge (?) last night and Sami Khedira's second-half winner was a thing of true beauty fluke, with the Santos Laguna 'keeper parrying Karim Benzema's shot directly off Khedira's face from point-blank range and back into the goal.

Olympics: Great Britain 1-1 S Korea (4-5 Pens) – Team GB Spot-Kicked Out Of Competition In Cardiff (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Whilst the Team GB athletics team were (to coin a phrase of da yoof) 'smashing it' in east London and Daily Mail readers were choking on their own racist bile, Stuart Pearce's football side were struggling against a very decent South Korean side at the Millennium Stadium.

Olympics: Senegal’s Papa Souare Fly-Kicks Mexican Player In The Head, Only Gets A Yellow Card (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Mexico would eventually win their quarter-final clash (after extra time) 4-2 against Senegal today, but amidst all the goals, Papa Souare's Bruce Lee impression in the second-half certainly stood out.

The left wing-back launched himself at Mexico's Hector Herrera, kicking the defender right in the gob.

Non-League Kendal Town FC To Travel, Train And Warm-Up In Fake Beards Due To Daft Sponsorship Deal (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Northern Premier League side Kendal Town FC have signed a frankly ridiculous sponsorship deal that will see the players having wear fake beards at all times training, travelling and warming-up.

Kendal have signed a deal with US firm Rosetta Trading, who produce the 'Beard Beanie' a woolly hat with a knitted beard stitched onto it which are apparently massive sellers in the USA according to Rosetta themselves.

Olympic Football: Alex Morgan Rearranges New Zealand Keeper Jennie Lindon’s Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ow...

More of the delightful Ms. Morgan on Pies...

Alex Morgan Poses In Nowt But Bodypaint for Sports Illustrated
Alex Morgan Pops Up With Cute Equaliser For Western NY Flash
Alex Morgan Takes An Ice BathÂ

Olympics: Great Britain 0-2 Canada – GB Women Sent To Coventry By Superior Canadians (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Great Britain's women fell at the first knockout hurdle at the City of Coventry stadium on Friday night, losing to Canada in the quarter-finals.

The 2-0 scoreline was a fair reflection of a game in which the hosts struggled to replicate their match-winning performance against Brazil just days before.

Liverpool Boss Brendan Rodgers Thanks Fans For Travelling To Belarus, Writes Personal Letter Of Gratitude

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By Alan Duffy

(Yes, it's yet another Liverpool piece but hey, that's the way the footballing cookie crumbles sometimes!)

Showing the kind of charm and people-skills which his predecessor Kenny Dalglish struggled to master, Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers has thanked the Reds' fans who followed their team to Belarus for Thursday evening's Europa league clash with FC Gomel.

‘I Had A Message From God’ – Bradley Wiggins Cherishes Text From Robbie Fowler

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By Alan Duffy

Man of the moment and Liverpool fan, Bradley Wiggins, has revealed that a text message from his Kop idol Robbie Fowler meant much more to him than a letter from the Queen.

The Tour De France winner and Olympic record-breaker said:

"The wife was getting ecstatic the Queen had sent us a letter and I kept saying: 'Forget the Queen.

Alberto Aquilani Joins Fiorentina On Three-Year Deal, May Still Have A Future At Liverpool

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By Chris Wright

Fiorentina president Andrea Della Valle has just announced that his club have secured the signature of Alberto Aquilani, signing him up on a three-year deal worth €1.7 million a year though he may still have a future at Liverpool if...

10 Premier League New Signings We’re Itching To See

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By Chris Wright

With the summer dilated to 6cm and the 2012/13 Premier League season beginning to crown, we thought we'd have a timely look forward at the new boys we're eager to see in action proper come August...

1. Gylfi Sigurdsson, Tottenham - Siggy played for Spurs, jammin' good with Bale and Gallas and the Spiders from Mars.

Fabrice Muamba Back In The Saddle, Plays For 25 Minutes In Dubai With Former England U21 Buddies

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By Chris Wright

Fab models the new Bolton away kit for 2012/13

Aged just 23, Bolton's Fabrice Muamba was pronounced dead for more than an hour after collapsing on the pitch at White Hart Lane before doctors and paramedics were able to revive him back in March.

Fabrice Muamba Back In The Saddle, Plays For 25 Minutes In Dubai With Former England U21 Buddies

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By Chris Wright

Fab models the new Bolton away kit for 2012/13

Aged just 23, Bolton's Fabrice Muamba was pronounced dead for more than an hour after collapsing on the pitch at White Hart Lane before doctors and paramedics were able to revive him back in March.

Rapid Vienna ‘Keeper Duped By Fake Whistle, Concedes Daft Goal vs Vojvodina (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Rapid Vienna beat Serbian side Vojvodina 2-1 in the Europa League preliminaries last night, though the goal they conceded was a right old humdinger.

As the game dwindled to nothing and stoppage time wicked away with the score at 2-0, Rapid 'keeper Lukas Konigshofer came to claim a cross to relieve the pressure and, upon hearing a whistle sound, assumed the goalkeeper's union had come to his rescue and duly rolled the ball out to hump it up to halfway.

Stewart Downing Outdoes Wiggins And Hoy, Heads For A Knighthood After Scoring Cracker For Liverpool In Europa League (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Forget the achievements of Bradley Wiggins or Chris Hoy, the real sporting story of this summer is the news that Liverpool's Stewart Downing, a man who failed to score a single goal in the league in 2011/12 (and only managed two in total both in the FA Cup) has already found the net in 2012/13.

Santi Cazorla Is (Very Very Nearly) A Gunner, But Does Arsenal’s Shopping Spree MakeThem Title Contenders?

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal's wantaway captain Robin Van Persie questioned the Gunners' ambition recently. However, with Lukas Podolski, Olivier Giroud and now Santi Cazorla all but signed, with more to come, his argument is looking increasingly misguided.

Spaniard Cazorla is the latest attacker to finally join the Gunners after weeks and weeks of speculation.

Aston Villa Captain Stiliyan Petrov Fighting Back, Acute Leukemia Now In Remission

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By Alan Duffy

Amidst all the gobshite Tweeters, alleged racists and wantaway money-grabbers, news that Stiliyan Petrov's acute leukemia is in remission is a shot of much-needed good news.

The Villa captain was diagnosed with the disease only back in March, but today Aston Villa released the wonderful news that the 33-year-old Bulgarian was winning the fight.

Palmeiras Supporter Hits Linesman In Face With Pinpoint Throw-In (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Never take your eye off the ball, not even if you're a linesman...

Look at the delirious celebrations in the crowd! Take *that* authority figure!

Video: 101GG

Sergio Ramos Thrashes Kaka In Olympic 50m Freestyle Swimming Race (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Sergio 'Phelps' Ramos well and truly whoops Ricky 'The Fish' Kaka in an Olympic-inspired 50m freestyle swimming race...

Via The Football Ramble

Roberto Carlos Retires Aged 39 – Here’s 12 Great Photos Of The Legendary Left-Back

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By Chris Wright

With 820 club appearances, 120 international caps for Brazil and 23 trophies to show for himself including a World Cup and three Champions Leagues, legendary Brazilian left-back Roberto Carlos and his bulging rhino thighs have called time on their career this morning at the grand old age of 39 in order to 'move upstairs' and become Anzhi's director of football.

Fulham Sign Themselves The New Moussa Dembele… Quite Literally!

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By Chris Wright

Faced with the prospect of losing Moussa Dembele this summer with the Belgian forward-cum-midfield agitator reported to be on several clubs' (including Real Madrid no less) transfer hitlists, Fulham have taken steps to bring in a suitable replacement by signing a 16-year old prodigy from Paris Saint-Germain by the name of.

Fulham Sign Themselves The New Moussa Dembele… Quite Literally!

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By Chris Wright

Faced with the prospect of losing Moussa Dembele this summer with the Belgian forward-cum-midfield agitator reported to be on several clubs' (including Real Madrid no less) transfer hitlists, Fulham have taken steps to bring in a suitable replacement by signing a 16-year old prodigy from Paris Saint-Germain by the name of.

Neymar Misses Open-Goal Sitter By Country Mile vs New Zealand (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Whatever went on in that kid's creepy swimming pool/laboratory, it hasn't done Neymar's foot-eye coordination any good with the Brazilian cockatoo filing a wretched open-goal miss against New Zealand last night.

'Twas wretched I tells thee.

Olympics: Great Britain 1-0 Uruguay – GB Men Follow Women Into Last Eight After Well-Earned Wembley Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

It was by no means a classic performance by Stuart Pearce's hotchpotch side, but Daniel Sturridge's fist-half strike was enough to secure the victory for the hosts against a rather disappointing Uruguay outfit, with Edinson Cavani failing in particular to live up to the hype.

He’s Fleetwood Back! Joey Barton Plays 45 Mins For League Two New-Boys Without Punching Anybody

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By Alan Duffy

Ahead of his 12-game suspension for acting the gobshite against Man City last season, philosopher, intellectual, puncher of things and professional footballer, Joey Barton, is keeping himself fit by training with Football League newcomers Fleetwood Town.

Neymar Meets Young British Fan, Several Strange And Unsettling Scenes Follow… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It probably shouldn't be, but everything about this strange and unsettling (especially those eerie freeze-frame eyes at 0:35)...

"Police burst into the laboratory to find several half-naked bodies floating in the blood-specked pool, as if someone had thrown a toaster into a pond full of Koi carp.

Just Depressing: Portsmouth’s Teamsheet For Pre-Season Friendly vs AFC Wimbledon…

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By Chris Wright

A bit of (incredibly) light reading: Penniless and playerless Pompey's teamsheet for their upcoming pre-season friendly against AFC Wimbledon...

We can just hear the stadium announcer now: "In goal for Portsmouth, No. 1... Oh Christ, hang on.

Shit Lookalikes: Samir Nasri & Beth Tweddle

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By Chris Wright

Nasri is the most lovable rascal in football.

Tweddle MBE is a British Olympic and several-time World Champion gymnast

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us on waatpies@gmail.com or Tweet us at @waatpies.

Gylfi Sigurdsson Scores Smashing ‘Sigurdsson’ Goal vs New York Red Bulls (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham beat New York Red Bulls 2-1 on their patch to win the 'Barclays New York Cup' (and a mightily impressive cup it is too!) last night, with Gylfi Sigurdsson scoring the winner in the 64th minute cutting inside and cracking a shot over the Red Bulls 'keeper Bill Gaudette from a tough old angle.

Gylfi Sigurdsson Scores Smashing ‘Sigurdsson’ Goal vs New York Red Bulls (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham beat New York Red Bulls 2-1 on their patch to win the 'Barclays New York Cup' (and a mightily impressive cup it is too!) last night, with Gylfi Sigurdsson scoring the winner in the 64th minute cutting inside and cracking a shot over the Red Bulls 'keeper Bill Gaudette from a tough old angle.

Roberto Mancini Pulls Off Lovely Little Backheel Pass In Man City Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Short and sweet: A couple of days after his assistant, David Platt, defied the years and the flab to score a magnificent overhead kick, slick fox Roberto Mancini continued the theme yesterday by pulling off a nifty little backheeled volley pass during a one-touch drill at a Man City training session in Beijing.

Monterrey’s Angel Reyna Celebrates Goal vs Chorillo With Luchador Wrestling Takedown (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We're not guaranteeing this'll be the best goal celebration you'll see today, but it will be. Here's Monterrey striker Angel Reyes celebrating his goal against Chorillo in the CONCACAF Champions League with a superbly executed Luchador wrestling takedown on his teammate.