Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2012

Borussia Dortmund and Stuttgart Play Out Classic Eight-Goal Thriller (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


No doubt many of you whippersnappers were/are out on this Friday night tripping the light fantastic, or at least having a drink or two down your local park/boozer/gastro-pub. However, over at the Westfalenstadion, Bundesliga sides Dortmund and Stuttgart were playing out a truly classic 4-4 draw.

Brassic Kettering Town To Wear Retro 1970s Kit This Weekend To Stave Off HMRC – Complete With Nad-Hugging Shorts!

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By Chris Wright

Blue Square Bet Premier side Kettering Town are, like several other clubs of their stature, flirting with a winding-up order at present after several months of financial hoo-doo that has seen them fighting relegation, unable to pay their players and forced to leave former home Rockingham Road and take up residency in former rivals Rushden & Diamonds' grave (the Diamonds went under last summer) currently playing their home games, as they do, at Rushden's old Nene Park ground.

Aston Villa Captain Stiliyan Petrov Diagnosed With ‘Acute Leukaemia’

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By Chris Wright

Awful news is filtering through from the Aston Villa camp that club captain Stiliyan Petrov has been diagnosed with 'acute leukaemia' after undergoing tests for a high temperature which developed following Saturday's 3-0 defeat at the Emirates.

Stiliyan Petrov’s Greatest Football Contribution – Breaking Robbie Savage’s Nose From 60 Yards Away (Audio)

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By Chris Wright

Get well soon Stan, we'll always love you for this...

50-odd people in the media gantry and Petrov picks out Savage's hooter from 60 yards away. What a man!

Cristiano Ronaldo Takes On Rafael Nadal At Tennis In Flashy New Nike Viral (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Can you hear the 'Dingbat klaxon' going off? I read the press release as 'Ronaldo vs Rafael Benitez in a battle of explosive speed' and got all kinds of excited.

Sadly, a quick re-read reveals that the Rafa in question is indeed Spanish tennis behemoth Señor Nadal in the viral launch for Nike's new Mercurial Vapor 8 boots.

Top 10 Football Prima Donnas

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By Chris Wright

Just a covering note up top: while it says 'Top 10 Prima Donnas' on the tin, we've gone with less stellar (mostly Premier League) players that arguably have no right to act like such preening, precious mimsies given their relatively 'meat and taters' standings.

Diego Maradona Attempts To Fight Entire VIP Section After Girlfriend Harassed By Al-Shabab Fans (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Safe to say, other than the floods and floods of money he's amassing, things aren't going particularly well for Diego Maradona in the UAE, with his Al Wasl side now well and truly out of the title chase, languishing as they do down in 5th place in the UAE Pro League 15 points off the summit.

Diego Maradona Attempts To Fight Entire VIP Section After Girlfriend Harassed By Al-Shabab Fans (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Safe to say, other than the floods and floods of money he's amassing, things aren't going particularly well for Diego Maradona in the UAE, with his Al Wasl side now well and truly out of the title chase, languishing as they do down in 5th place in the UAE Pro League 15 points off the summit.

Kenny Dalglish And The Anti-Murder Rocktopus (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The latest off-kilter awesomeness from Scotch mirth-merchants Fitba Thatba; 'Kenny Dalglish and the ROCKTOPUS' a video they cheerfully herald as 'their stupidest ever' and 'without doubt the most idiotic thing they've ever done.'

It's hard to argue.

Iker Casillas Wipes His Nose Candy Across Kid Mascot’s Face (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Saint Iker, well, just watch...

Urrrrgh!!!

Snapshot: ‘€90 Entry = €1 Per Minute? Football Is Not Phone Sex!’

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By Chris Wright

Spotted during Schalke vs Bilbao last night, Schalke fans bemoaning the cost of their tickets with a frankly awesome banner though why it's in Spanish we're not entirely sure...

"€90 Entry = €1 Per Minute? Football Is Not Phone Sex!

Bilbao Bamboozle Shocked Schalke In Six-Goal Europa League Thriller (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Schalke 2-4 Athletic Bilbao Europa League 29th March 2012


After thoroughly outplaying Manchester United at Old Trafford but only coming away with a 3-2 victory, in-form Spaniards Athletic Bilbao spent most of Thursday's night Europa League clash in Schalke getting the runaround from the home side, but still managed to come away with a 4-2 smash and grab victory.

US Girls’ Football Game Descends Into Mindless Violence After Sneaky Trip (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

It seems as though the young football playing women of the USA have been taking pointers from Bradford and Crawley recently. In a lovely homage to the recent League Two fisticuffs, a couple of girls playing football in the US have a bit of a scrap. Actually, to be fair, one of the girls basically beats the bullsugar out of the other one, after she is tripped.

Football GIF: Javier Mascherano Humps Zlatan’s Mighty Leg

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By Chris Wright

Oooh, get off 'im you dirty little piglet...

GIF: Tumblr

Shameful ‘Busquets Peekaboo’ Dive Crops Up In Copa Libertadores Match (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the Copa Libertadores match between Defensor Sporting and Chivas last night, Defensor's Braian Aleman hands in his dignity at the door and goes through the old 'back...and to the left' rigmarole in an attempt to con a free-kick out of the referee down in the corner.

Lionel Messi Offered Contract By French Second Tier Club Angers SCO

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By Chris Wright

You might want to find something to steady your bowels, because Lionel Messi has signed for French Ligue 2 club Angers SCO.

Yep, that's right Cameroon U17s international Lionel Messi Nyamsi (*the* Lionel Messi as far as we're concerned) has been offered professional papers by the second-tier mid-tablers after being spotted playing for regional youth side Toulouse Fontaines back in February by Angers' head of youth recruitment, Monsieur Axel Labatiniere.

Shit Lookalikes: Roberto Di Matteo & Face Transplant Man

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By Chris Wright

So harsh, yet still with the giggles...

Di Matteo is the groomed-to-within-an-inch-of-his-life Chelsea coach, while the chap on the left is Richard Lee Norris a chap from Virginia who blew his own face off with a gun only to have a new one stitched on 15 years later.

Champions League: AC Milan 0-0 Barcelona – Rossoneri Rearguard Keeps Barca Schtum (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Not that we wish to brag but, as the prophecy once again foretold, AC Milan's superb, frenetic and knackering defensive shift ensured that Barcelona were kept schtum in a Champions League tie for the first time in two-and-a-half years and that the Rossoneri upheld their record of having never lost a Champions League quarter-final game at the San Siro.

Snapshot: Milan Fans Unfurl Colossal Pacman Mosaic vs Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

Afore last night's Champions League quarter-final betwixt the two sides (more on that in a short while), the Milan fans in the Curva Sud put on a bit of a show, cobbling together a gigantic Pacman mosaic that saw the little yellow Babybel chasing down a Barca-coloured ghost with the word 'Mangiamoli!

‘Referees Give United Preferential Treatment’ – Patrick Vieira Has Another Dig At Fergie & Co.

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By Alan Duffy


"Paddy Vieira give Fergie the gasface"

Manchester City's Football Development Executive, Patrick Vieira, has decided to keep the war of words going with Sir Alex Ferguson, after claiming that the Red Devils get preferential treatment from match officials.

Pepsi’s Football Boyband Make Video Debut – Features Reckless Crowdsurfing Slide Tackles & Messi Stealing A Vending Machine (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Remember that really crap-looking boy band that Pepsi have thrown together which we told you about a while back? No? Of course, why would you?

Well, Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard, Lionel Messi, Sergio Aguero, Jack Wilshere and Fernando Torres have all got on board with the fizzy pop merchants and gangly Scottish DJ Calvin Harris to produce a series of 'Kick in the Mix' football/music snippets the first of which being the following TV advert, which sees the aforementioned sextet trampling on various plebs in a club before Lionel Messi makes off with a vending machine.

Terry Venables Makes Shock Return To Management, Answers Wembley Call

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By Chris Wright

"Ah, Mr Savage, how are things?"

Out of the clear blue yonder, former England and Barcelona honcho Terry Venables has made an unexpected return to football management (his first managerial job since providing assistance for England manager Steve McClaren back in 2007) today, formally taking over as the new technical advisor 'coach' in proper, non-ridiculous words at Wembley.

Colo-Colo & Palestino Players Fail To Notice Magnitude 7.1 Earthquake (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the game between Colo-Colo and Palestino in Chile last weekend, a magnitude 7.1 earthquake hits (tremors that damaged property, saw several families evacuated and caused a few minor injuries on Chile's west coast), not that anyone down on the pitch seemed to notice.

Five Sent Off In Dressing Room As Bradford And Crawley Indulge In Old-Fashioned Fisticuffs (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Fight! Fight! Fight!

There's nothing like the sight of a group of grown men fighting to reinvigorate one's faith in humanity, and on Tuesday night at Valley Parade, League Two sides Bradford City and Crawley Town got involved in some proper aggro when five players -Â Bradford's Andrew Davies, Luke Oliver and Jon McLaughlin and Crawley's Kyle McFadzean and Claude Davis (who had only come on for the last four minutes) were dismissed in the dressing rooms by referee Ian Williamson following a post-match dust-up.

Champions League: Benfica 0-1 Chelsea: Kalou Eschews Away Leg Blues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

With Frank Lampard, Didier Drogba and Michael Essien on the bench (isn't that a sackable offence?) Chelsea filed a textbook Champions League 1-0 away-leg victory over Benfica in Lisbon last night, with a clean sheet and an away goal ensuring they'll be turning out for the 'second half' at Stamford Bridge in a week's time in decent nick.

Thamsanqa Sangweni Gives Peter Crouch Run For His Money In ‘Thunderous Volley’ Stakes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's more than likely that very few of you were watching AmaZulu vs Witbank Spurs in last 16 of the South African Nedbank Cup in Durban on Saturday evening so, for those who missed it, here's Thamsanqa Sangweni's cataclysmic 30-yard volley to score the only goal of the game for the former against the latter WITH HIS WEAKER FOOT!

Snapshot: Southampton Matchday Programme Features Indecent Proposal On Page 60

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By Chris Wright

So, page 60 0f Southampton's programme for Saturday's 2-0 win over Doncaster featured an odd, rather forward competition prize the chance to 'enter Miss Southampton' for the very reasonable price of £45...

Fnarf, fnarf. Nudge nudge, wink wink.

Mesut Ozil’s Exquisite Assist For Karim Benzema’s Second Goal vs APOEL (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What a beauty...

As the prophecy foretold, Real Madrid yomped to a 3-0 first-leg victory over APOEL in Cyprus last night; Benzema grabbing a brace (after spluffing one clean over the bar from roughly 30cm out) and the excellent Kaka posting home t'other.

Football GIF: David Vaughan Scores Daft Own Goal vs Everton

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By Chris Wright

In which Sunderland halfling David Vaughan gives us a glimpse of just how two-footed he really is teeing up Nikica Jelavic's cross with his left then volleying home with his right to notch Everton's second at the Stadium of Light last night.

FA Cup: Sunderland 0-2 Everton – Black Cats Come Unstuck As Toffees Set Up Last Four Derby Clash (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 0-2 Everton FA Cup Quarter-Final Replay- 27th March 2012


Nikica Jelavic was on the scoresheet again as Everton secured a deserved cup victory over Sunderland at the Stadium of Light. The in-form January signing opened the scoring for the Toffees on 24 minutes as the home side failed to find a spark.

FA Cup: Spurs 3-1 Bolton – Nelsen Plots Course To Victory At The Lane (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Tottenham Hotspur 3-1 Bolton Wanderers FA Cup Quarter-Final 27th March 2012


On a night when the miraculous work of the medical teams of both clubs (and the emergency services) in treating Fabrice Muamba were given the respect and applause they so deserve, the two sides played out a decent game to find out who would face Chelsea in the FA Cup semi-finals.

Mario Balotelli Wanders Into Shot, Interrupts New Inter Coach Andrea Stamaccioni’s First Press Conference (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With just one win to show for their last ten matches, Inter Milan canned Ranieri the Tinkerman last night and promoted youth team coach Andrea Stramaccioni (a man who claims to have invented 39 set-piece routines in his time!) up to the first-string to keep an eye on things until the end of the season.

‘He Likes Celine Dion And Whitney Houston’ – Kolo Toure Shops Yaya’s Diabolical Taste In Music (Video)

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By Chris Wright

These footballers, eh? With their stupid headphones and unilaterally shite taste in music, sulleying the atmosphere with their anaemic R&B, wanky hip-hop, faddy dance tripe and infernal slow jamzwithazed.

Thank goodness then, for the trend-buckers.

Shit Lookalikes: Dani Alves & William Shatner’s Aeroplane Gremlin

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By Chris Wright

'The Twilight Zone Nightmare At 20,000 Feet' since you asked one of Dani's very first acting roles, long before he went 'method' and started all that awful rolling around on the grass at the Nou Camp......

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies?

Trial By Twitter: 21-Year Old Student Liam Stacey Jailed For 56 Days Over Racially Abusive Muamba Tweets

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By Chris Wright

Liam Stacey, the 21-year old 'Twitter troll' who was arrested after posting several racially offensive Tweets about Fabrice Muamba midway through an all-day drinking session on March 17th, has been sentenced to a stint in prison for his troubles.

Snapshot: Magdeburg Fans Show Goal-Shy Team Exactly Where The Goal Is

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By Chris Wright

Having witnessed just 16 goals in 25 games this season, none at all in their last five games and with their side rooted to the bottom of the league, a group of thoroughly bored Magdeburg (of the German fourth tier) fans took it upon themselves to give their goal-shy players a quick refresher course on just what the aim of the game is.

Champions League Quarter-Final Predicitons: Nicosia Have Snowball’s Chance In APOEL, Camp Drog’s Faux Fear Riles Jesus

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By Chris Wright

The Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaampions!!! League gets back under way tonight, with the first-legs of the quarter-finals all due to be played out over the course of the next two nights. We thought we'd have a little shufty at proceedings and make a few bold predictions.

Houston Dynamo Midfielder Colin Clark Yells ‘F**king F*gg*t’ At Ballboy (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Downright classy stuff from Houston Dynamo midfielder Colin Clark who, during Dynamo's 2-0 defeat against Seattle Sounders on Friday, yelled 'f**king f*gg*t' in a young ballboy's face after the kid had the temerity to drop the football near him rather than directly at his feet while Clark was trying to take a quick throw.

Houston Dynamo Midfielder Colin Clark Yells ‘F**king F*gg*t’ At Ballboy (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Downright classy stuff from Houston Dynamo midfielder Colin Clark who, during Dynamo's 2-0 defeat against Seattle Sounders on Friday, yelled 'f**king f*gg*t' in a young ballboy's face after the kid had the temerity to drop the football near him rather than directly at his feet while Clark was trying to take a quick throw.

Man Utd 1-0 Fulham: Carrick Dodges Bullet As Cottagers Denied Late Penalty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Wayne Rooney's 29th goal of the season saw Manchester United win their game in hand over Man City and eke out a three-point lead at the top of the Premier League though Fulham were jilted out of a late penalty after a verdict of 'no dice' was returned despite Michael Carrick clumsily bundling Danny Murphy over as he waded through on goal in the 87th-minute.

Ruben Negredo Has Busy Afternoon For Gimnastica – Scores Equaliser, Takes Over In Goal, Saves Penalty (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ruben Negredo (older brother of Sevilla's Alvaro) had a busy old afternoon at work in the Spanish third tier last week, putting in a double-shift for Gimnastica de Torrelavega in their Segunda Division B league tie with Burgos.

At one-nil down, having started the game in his favoured position up top, Negredo bought Gimnastica back level with an equaliser on the hour mark, only to find himself press-ganged into service as an auxiliary goalkeeper 15 minutes later when first-choice stopper Ivan Crespo was dismissed for tripping a Burgos player in the area.

Snapshot: Man Utd Fanzine Red Issue’s Controversial Muamba Cover

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By Chris Wright

What you see here is the latest front cover to adorn Manchester United fanzine Red Issue an image not mocking Fabrice Muamba, his collapse or his plight, but instead chastising the 'grief mongering' that has surrounded it for the past week or so...

It's near the knuckle, controversial, provocative and tasteless (that's the kind of material Red Issue tend to trade in) but there is a valid point to be made about the 'I care most' simpering that can permeate this kind of thing only Red Issue have set about eviscerating that point with a supreme lack of tact.

Roy Hodgson Apologises For Tearing Off Black Armband In Fit Of Rage vs Newcastle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Loveable old Uncle Woy Hodgson threw a bit of a 'rage quit shit fit' after Papiss Cisse clonked home Newcastle's third goal against West Brom at the Hawthorns yesterday afternoon, tearing off his black armband and throwing on the ground.

Which is all well and good, in that it showed the veteran Baggies' manager still has the fight, etc, etc the only problem being that the players were sporting the armbands as a mark of respect given the recent death of West Brom club legend Ray Barlow, the man for whom the pre-match minute's applause was conducted.

Caxias Striker Vanderlei Bitten By Police Dog While Quibbling Over Controversial Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Over in the Brazilian ftop flight, Caxias striker Vanderlei was assaulted by a canine's canines at the weekend after being bitten on the leg by a police dog.

Having conceded a goal against Novo Hamburg, Vanderlei and his teammates swarmed the referee and his assistant overturned their decision to chalk off the goal and allow Paulinho Macaiba's opener to stand.

Johnstone’s Paint Trophy Final: Chesterfield 2-0 Swindon Town – Spireites Emerge Victorious At Wembley (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas the Johnstone's Paint Trophy Final at Wembley yesterday, which saw Chesterfield emerge victorious over Paolo Di Canio's  Swindon Town thanks to an own-goal from Oliver Risser and a 94th-minute second from Craig Westcarr who, by rights, shouldn't have been on the pitch given that he had clouted his fist across Joe Devara's face earlier in the game, bloodying the Swindon defender's nose and inexplicably escaping punishment; a clear punch Westcarr later described as '50/50 shirt pulling' with a entirely straight face.

Top 10 Premier League Surprise Packages

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By Chris Wright

This is it people, the end is in sight. May is crowning on the horizon and the Premier League season is so very nearly finito. Granted, there's still a lot of hoo-doo and wiff-waff to sort out, but we thought we'd give a timely doff of the cap to those who have defied the soccer odds this season, those playing beyond their means, the over-achievers, the surprise packages in short, the kind of people that Phil Collins was singing about when he first laid down a demo for 'Against All Odds'.

Diego Maradona Does Little Touchline Roly-Poly (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After watching one of his Al Wasl strikers go through and waft a shot wide of the post during their 4-1 win over Emirates Club at the weekend, coach Diego Maradona reacts in the only way fitting by doing a little forward roll, the kind of which may be instantly familiar to anyone who has recently spent any length of time in a chimpanzee enclosure.

Swansea 0-2 Everton – Two-Goal Toffees Topple Swans At The Liberty (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 0-2 Everton Premier League 24th March 2012


Swansea's form on home soil this season has been superb, but against a well-drilled Everton side on Saturday, Brendan Rodgers' charges struggled to breach the opposition defence.

Sunderland 3-1 QPR – McClean The Star Of The Show As Cissé Sees Red Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland Queens Park Rangers Premier League 24th March 2012


French striker Djibril Cissé is not having quite the type of impact at Loftus Road which boss Mark Hughes would have hoped for.

Norwich 2-1 Wolves – Holt The Hero As Wolves Lose Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City Wolverhampton Wanderers Premier League 24th March 2012


He may not look like an in-form Premier League hitman, but chunky hitman Grant Holt continues to blossom at the highest level in the land.

Bolton 2-1 Blackburn – Wheater Fires Trotters To Big Win Against Rovers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Bolton Wanderers 2-1 Blackburn Rovers Premier League 24th March 2012


In their first game since Fabrice Muamba collapsed at White Hart Lane, Bolton registered a vital victory over fellow relegation candidates Blackburn at the Reebok.

Football GIF: Franco Di Santo Gives Martin Skrtel The ‘Duck Face’ Treatment

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By Chris Wright

Snapshot: Micah Richards & Pablo Zabaleta Get Better Acquainted

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By Chris Wright

Yesterday, like two star-crossed lovers doomed by ill fate, tragic romantics Micah Richards and Pablo Zabaleta took to the skies above the Britannia to steal a few brief moments alone together...

"Mwah! Now go, before someone finds us..."

Love hurts.

Football GIF: Peter Crouch’s Sensational Dipping Volley vs Man City On Infinite Loop

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By Chris Wright

Crouchy sets himself and GOGOGOGOGOGOAAAAALLLLLALALALALA!!!!

BOOMSNAKE CAKE!!!

Stoke 1-1 Man City – Crouch Bags A Worldy As Travel Sick Citizens Stall Again (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 1-1 Manchester City Premier League 24th March 2012


While they've been unstoppable at the Etihad, away from home Man City have been dropping vital points, something they did yet again on Saturday at the Britannia Stadium.

Chelsea 0-0 Spurs – Blues Fail To Close Gap On Top Four At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 24th March 2012


Chelsea failed to make up any significant ground on the top four at Stamford Bridge on Saturday after struggling against a Spurs side who would have been more deserving of the win.

Liverpool 1-2 Wigan – Anfield Win Keeps Latics’ Survival Hopes Alive (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool Wigan Athletic Premier League 24th March 2012


Roberto Martinez is one of the more likeable managers in football, and against a lacklustre Liverpool side on Saturday, he presided over a vital win for his struggling Wigan side.

Arsenal 3-0 Aston Villa – Gunners Stroll To Seventh Straight Win At The Emirates (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal Aston Villa Premier League 24th March 2012


Arsenal increased their lead over rivals Tottenham to three points in the table after a comfortable home win against a very poor Villa side.

Despite losing Laurent Kosielny in the warm-up, which meant that the far less reliable Johan Djourou started alongside Thomas Vermaelen, the Gunners dominated the game from the off, with Kieron Gibbs netting on 16 minutes before Theo Walcott made it two on 25 minutes, superbly finishing after a fantastic pass from Alex Song.

Snapshot: ‘Muamba 6′ – Bolton Fans Display Huge Mosaic In Support Of Fabrice Muamba

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By Chris Wright

Lovely stuff from the Bolton fans before their game against Blackburn this afternoon...

Click through a few times for the full-size image...

Tubize Coach Aims Crafty Kick At Royal Antwerp Striker John Cofie’s Crotch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, over in the Belgian second division last night, the excellently-named Tubize coach Dante Brogno caused a bit of a kerfuffle by appearing to waggle a foot in the general direction of Royal Antwerp striker John Cofie's (who is, we're reliably informed, on loan from Manchester United) gentleman parts as the ball squirmed over the touchline.

Football GIF: Cristiano Ronaldo Stopped In Tracks By Malaga Physio Arse Fondle

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By Chris Wright

"Get well soo...oh, sorry...I didn't realise you two were...sorry..."

That's a real high, real deep hamstring massage right there.

GIF: Balls

Arsenal ‘Keeper Wojciech Szczesny Picks Up Tab For Children’s Party In North London Restaurant

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By Alan Duffy


The likes of John Terry, Nile Ranger and well, many many more eejits haven't done much for the image of the professional footballer in recent months. However, Arsenal's Polish goalkeeper, Wojciech Szczeny, showed a rather better side of his profession recently in a north London restaurant.

Arjen Robben Hints At Bayern Departure, Puts Premier League Clubs On Alert

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By Alan Duffy


Despite his penchant for diving, moaning and rarely passing to his teammates, despite all that!, Arjen Robben lit up the Premier League in his time with Chelsea, helping the Blues to consecutive titles in the mid-noughties as he sprinted up and down the flanks.

Football Tat: Birmingham Flog ‘High Quality’ Chris Hughton Face Mask – Comes With Free Eye Holes!

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By Chris Wright

On sale now in the Birmingham City club shop, cardboard 'Chris Hughton replica face masks.' Now you can look like your favourite mild-mannered Championship manager for the rock bottom price of just £3.50! (plus p&p)

Comes with free elastic string and pre-cut that's right, pre-cut eyeholes.

The Championship Table: Minute By Minute (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The Championship table, as it would look on 16th March 2012, had every game finished in every consecutive minute, i.e, had full-time been signalled and the result logged after the first minute, the second minute, the third minute, etc, etc.

It's a work of stat-o-riffic genius, though you'll need to go 'full screen' with this one unless you have eyesight like a Barn Owl and Liono combined.

Rihanna Plays Football On Set Of Craptastic New ‘Battleships’ Film (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just because: A little video of über nasal, perennially semi-nude popstrel Rihanna playing football in a pair of short shorts for a scene in her upcoming movie debut 'Battleship' which is (and I'm not even ribbing you here, though lord I wish I was) based on the boardgame of the same name and, if the trailers are anything to go by, looks primed to become one of the biggest duds in cinematic history though Christ knows it has some stiff competition on that front.

Yaya Toure Struggles With Concept Of ‘Squeaky Bum Time’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Manchester City goliath Yaya Toure is confronted, evidently for the first time, with the loathsome phrase first proffered into the football lexicon by Sir Alex Ferguson and now repeated ad nauseum by the Shearers and Dixons of this world 'squeaky bum time' grimly inferring that the anxiety bought about one's footballing predicament is making one's sphincter twitch like a bunny rabbit's nose.

‘I’ve Got Plenty Of Ammunition’ – Sir Alex Cocked And Ready For Man City’s Mind Games

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By Chris Wright

"You come at the King, you better not miss BROSEPH!!!"

Seasoned 'snarky combat' vet Sir Alex Ferguson has reliably informed anyone that will listen that he is primed and ready for Manchester City's war o' words as the Premier League title race reaches the smelly end, after City mouthpiece Patrick Vieira insisted Ferguson's decision to bring Paul Scholes out of retirement showed weakness on his part an 'act of desperation' if you will.

Roman Abramovich Plots Megabucks Move For Barca Boss Pep Guardiola

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By Alan Duffy


"Me manage John Terry, Ashley Cole and Frank Lampard? You joke right?"

Roman Abramovich is on the managerial mooch again and according to The Sun, the Chelsea owner has his sights firmly set on the all-conquering Barcelona boss Pep Guardiola.

Devon Amateur Side Inflict ‘Biggest Defeat In British Football History’ – Take Goal Tally To 167 In 15 Games

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By Chris Wright

The odds are you may not be familiar with the Torbay Sunday League in Devon, but a team going by the name of 'Wheel Power' are currently topping the table and their 'goal difference' tally received one hell of a shot in the arm last weekend when they inflicted what has tentatively been labelled 'the biggest defeat in the history of British football' on their opponents, second-bottom side Nova 2010.

Virtual Tour Of Real Madrid’s New Island Resort Theme Park (Video)

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By Chris Wright

A virtual look around Real Madrid's new $1 billion 'Resort Island' money pit plonked in the middle of the wet bit off the coast of the UAE...

Here's Pies' bash at a swanky virtual tour...

Wayne Rooney Breaks 9-Year Old Kid’s Wrist, Apologises With Signed Shirt (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As you may have heard yesterday, Wayne Rooney inadvertently broke a nine-year old lad's wrist last Sunday when a wayward shot cannoned into the crowd during the warm-up at Molinueux.

Sitting in the front row of the Jack Harris Stand with his old man, young Jamie Thomas (attending his first ever United game) had the misfortune to be on the receiving end, putting his hands up to stop Rooney's shot from hitting him square in the face and fracturing a bone in his wrist in the process.

Choose A Suitably Pithy Name For Real Madrid’s New $1bn Island Holiday Theme Park

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By Chris Wright

Real Madrid have announced that they plan to build a vast Real Madrid-themed holiday resort-cum-theme park on an artificial island in sea off the UAE at a cost of $1 billion.

The resort is due for completion in early 2015 and will feature it's very own marina, a smattering of five-star hotels and villas, an amusement park, a luxury swimming pool complex (complete with a high-diving board called 'Sergio' in honour of Señor Biscuits) a club museum and a 'futuristic' 10,000-seat stadium with one side open to the sea, which presumably means that a whole load of Cristiano Ronaldo 'tomahawks' will be washing up on the shores of Dubai in the not-so-distant future.

Hong Kong Police Arrest 10-Year Old Boy For Astonishingly Brutal ‘Tackle’ At School Football Match (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Police have arrested and since bailed a 10-year old boy for delivering a brutal kick to a prone opponent's head during a school football match between ESF Lions and Kitchee Escola in Hong Kong on Monday afternoon.

The 'ESF' in the Lions' name stands for the 'English Schools Foundation,' which is a initiative set up to educate the children of ex-pats around the world and as the child responsible was white and his 12-year old victim was Asian it should come as little surprise that the parents of the latter filed a police complaint after the game which has led to the ESF Lions being branded as 'white bullies' in certain circles.

Team GB For London 2012 Olympics: Pick Your Starting XI

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By Chris Wright

With the kit being unveiled earlier today, we thought it high time to for Team GB at the London 2012 Olympics.

The only rules you have to abide by are the criteria for the actual selection: All players must be aged 23 or under as of January 1st 2012 (with the exception of a maximum of three designated 'over age' choices) and, perhaps more importantly, actually be British - English, Scottish, Welsh or Northern Irish.

Team GB ‘Union Jack’ Olympic Football Kit Unveiled (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Well folks, this is it.

As modelled by Jack Rodwell, this is the kit that Team GB will be wearing at the London Olympics this summer...

There's a Union Jack pun in there somewhere, I just know it.

If you're wondering, 'if this is the GB kit then what the hell was that blue thing Gareth Bale was wearing way back when?

QPR 3-2 Liverpool: Mackie Pounces As ‘Pool Bin Two-Goal Lead, Barton Calls Booing Fans ‘Bells’ (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"Problem?"

After going two-nil up through Seb Coates' scissor kick ripper and Dirk Kuyt's close-range prodder with just 18 minutes left to play, Liverpool somehow conspired to lose 3-2 to QPR at Loftus Road last night snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in time honoured fashion.

Thierry Henry Flies 5,000 Miles To Spend An Hour With Fabrice Muamba

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By Chris Wright

"I would fly 2,500 miles and I would fly 2,500 more..."

Just when you thought it was impossible that Thierry Henry could be any more of a legendary chieftain having gone public with his plans to build a colossal three-storey fish tank recently, the little blighter goes and flies 5,000 miles from the US to pop in and spend a bit of time at Fabrice Muamba's hospital bedside.

Roberto Mancini’s Manic Celebration Rave (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Anybody got any salmon? Sorted...

Also available: the Mancini Rave 'Move It' Remix...

Yes, they're ancient in internet terms, but they still made me titter so bugger off!

(Thanks to Pies fan Kermit for the nudge)

Man City 2-1 Chelsea: Rejoice! Carlos Tevez Came On And Did A Little Twirly Pass Thing (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

See? That really wasn't too much to ask, now was it?

Manchester City put their game in hand over Manchester United to good use at the Etihad last night, coming from behind to beat Chelsea and thus take themselves to within one point of their beloved chums at the top of the tree.

Sebastian Coates Scores Genuine ‘Goal Of The Season Contender’ vs QPR (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

The term 'Goal Of The Season Contender' tends to get bandied around an awful lot over the course of the a season, but last night during QPR's dramatic last-minute 3-2 victory over Liverpool (we'll have more photos and highlights up later), we witnessed the kind of incredible strike that is almost definitely set to feature on MotD's ten-strong shortlist come May.

Sebastian Coates Scores Genuine ‘Goal Of The Season Contender’ vs QPR (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

The term 'Goal Of The Season Contender' tends to get bandied around an awful lot over the course of the a season, but last night during QPR's dramatic last-minute 3-2 victory over Liverpool (we'll have more photos and highlights up later), we witnessed the kind of incredible strike that is almost definitely set to feature on MotD's ten-strong shortlist come May.

FIFA Interactive World Cup Racks Up Millionth Player – 58% Believe FIFA 12 Has Improved Their Real Life Game

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By Chris Wright

You may remember a month or so ago when Pies first bought you news of the British qualifying leg of the FIFA 12 Interactive World Cup (FIWC), which saw an 18-year old lad from Birmingham handing QPR striker Jay Bothroyd his England-capped arse back on a plate?

‘I Was In The Original JLS’ – Anton Ferdinand Planning Pop Career If QPR Go Down?

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By Alan Duffy


"The club is alive... with the sound of impending relegation"

Brother of celebrity Twitter start, Rio, and QPR football defender man, Anton Ferdinand, has revealed that his life could have taken a different, altogether more auto-tuned path in his younger days.

Dalibor Veselinovic Scores Brilliant, Nigh-On Impossible Overhead Kick vs Gent (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Apologies as we're a little late getting to this one, but Kortrijk striker Dalibor Veselinovic's corking overhead kick goal against Gent in the Belgian top flight last Saturday is definitely worthy of a repeat viewing.

Watching Veselinovic's goal in real time is the best way to appreciate its spectacular glory (though slow motion works just fine too), I mean, would you just look at the angles and trajectories involved?

Ranger, Mellis, Tevez & The Dissolving Myth Of Football’s Internal Disciplinary

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By Chris Wright


It's been a grim few days as far as football is concerned; from the horrific collapse of, and then subsequent morbid blanket fascination surrounding Fabrice Muamba, right the way down through the spectrum to the truly inane and pathetic.

David James Scores Calamitous Own Goal vs Watford (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Bristol City lost 2-0 to Watford in the Championship last night, the first goal of which was a classic David James foul-up the kind of which we haven't been treated to in a good while.

While coming to get a 'big fist' on Carl Dickinson's frontward hoof, James rose like a spawning salmon and majestically managed to punch the ball backwards into his own net.

Remember The Night Nott’m Forest Stuck Seven Past Leeds At Elland Road? (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

It was 1-1 when I stopped listening; Leeds took less than six minutes to open the scoring, Ross McCormack coaxing a naff penalty out of the referee and Robert Snodgrass converting it without a second thought. Here we go. Then, out of the ether, Adlene Guedioura equalises with a 30-yard hoofing howitzer less than 120 seconds later.

‘Don’t Ban Me, The People Of Stoke Will Suffer’ – Tony Pulis Escapes Driving Ban With Dodgy Plea

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By Alan Duffy


"They only went and bloody fell for it!!!"

Tony Pulis, Stoke City's tracksuit-wearing purveyor of the not-so-beautiful game has dodged a driving ban after claiming in court that a ban would affect his job with the Potters so much that they could get relegated.

Lionel Messi Breaks Barcelona Scoring Record With Hat-Trick vs Granada (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After seeing his target knocked down from 235 goals to 232 following a study by Catalan newspaper La Vanguardia and the city's Centre of Documentation and Studies into Cesar Rodriguez's previous claim to Barcelona's goal-scoring record, Lionel Messi comfortably surpassed the total with a hat-trick against Granada last night, meaning that aged just 24 he is now the club's all-time top scorer in official matches with 234 goals.

Fernando Torres Eyed By Juventus Over Summer Move – Should Chelsea Let Him Go?

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By Alan Duffy

It seems that, in order to turn the head of the Bianconeri, all Chelsea striker Fernando Torres had to do was bang in a couple of goals against Leicester City.

According to Goal.com, Serie A giants Juventus are keen to bring the misfiring Spaniard to Turin this summer.

Chelsea Sack Reserve Teamer Jacob Mellis For Smoke Grenade Jape

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea have today announced that the urchin responsible for causing a full-scale evacuation of the club's training complex a fortnight or so ago, 21-year old reserve teamer Jacob Mellis, has been sacked following a 'full and thorough' investigation into the incident which saw a smoke grenade set off at Cobham on March 2nd.

Tigres’ Lucas Lobos Comes Within Inches Of Scoring 55-Yard Boomer vs Tijuana (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, after looking up and seeing the Tijuana 'keeper pottering off his line, Tigres striker Lucas Lobos lets fly with a thunderous shot from comfortably within in his own half we're talking 55-60 yards out only to see the ball thump the post (without so much as bouncing) and deny him a truly remarkable goal.

VICE Presents ‘Rivals: Rangers & Celtic’ – A Film Exploring Glaswegian Football’s Famous Mutual Loathing (Video)

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VICE.com have been up in Glasgow filming a documentary 'Rivals: Rangers & Celtic' on the complexities of the relationship between the two Old Firm clubs and what the future would hold for both sets of fans if Rangers' financial woes force them down the pan in the near future.

Newcastle’s Nile Ranger Breaches Bail Conditions, Arrested Outside Tyneside Casino

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By Alan Duffy

Already up on bail awaiting trial in June on charges of assault, Newcastle striker Nile Ranger has got himself into even more trouble.

On Monday night, the 20-year-old was arrested outside a casino in Newcastle after breaching his bail conditions which stated that he was banned from the city centre.

Obsessed Singapore Couple Married At Incredible Liverpool Themed Wedding (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This 'ere is Mr and Mrs Han, a newlywed couple from Singapore, and this is the story of how Liverpool FC bought two lonely soles together and into blissful matrimony with one another on the other side of the planet:

"We are Liverpool fans living in singapore some 6823.

10 Premier League Footballers It’s Impossible To Hate

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By Chris Wright

It's been a heavy few days on Pies and in football generally, so we thought we'd introduce a breeze of brevity in these troubling times by focusing on the positive for a while.

In no particular order, here are 10 current Premier League players who, try as you might, are just impossible to dislike in any way, shape or form.

Chris Samba Has Banana Thrown At Him From Lokomotiv Moscow VIP Area (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As we mentioned yesterday, Anzhi's Chris Samba was given the Russian Banana Salute at the weekend when some dingbat hurled one at him from the Lokomotiv Moscow VIP area this being the very footage that led Lokomotiv president Olga Smorodskaya to proclaim that 'nothing happened' and that the whole thing was a 'surreptitious set-up' to drag her club through the mud.

Nike Launch New Mercurial Vapor 8 Boots In Stylish ‘Mango’ Colourway (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Nike have just launched the new One and Twos that Cristiano Ronaldo, Neymar, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and...err...Theo Walcott will be wearing to work as of very soon the new 'mango' colourway of the Mercurial Vapor 8 boot.

We gots photos.

Mark Van Bommel Almost Flattened By Falling Advertising Board (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just out of shot: Xabi Alonso tugging on a length of fishing line...

Video: 101GG

Dimitar Berbatov On His Way Out Of Old Trafford, Deemed ‘Too Slow’ For Fergie’s First 11

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By Alan Duffy


Bulgarian striker Dimitar Berbatov will leave Manchester United at the end of the season after he was deemed to be too slow for the Red Devils' fast-paced attacking style. That's according to the 31-year-old's agent, Emil Danchev, who said:

"I had three meetings with Sir Alex.

Man Utd Wannabe Usain Bolt Showcases His “Skills” In TV Kickabout (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

The great Usain Bolt once boasted that he was good enough to play for Man Utd, the club he supports. He even took part in a training session with the Red Devils in 2009.

However, judging by this video, in which the sprinter fools around with his manager whilst making an advert for Visa, he might not quite make the grade.

Fabrice Muamba Twitter Troll Arrested – 21 Year Old Student Admits Posting Racially Offensive Tweets

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By Chris Wright

On Saturday afternoon, a 23-year old professional athlete collapsed, requiring emergency defibrillation after suffering a heart attack on the pitch at White Hart Lane.

Empathy and support came flooding in from the four corners for Fabrice Muamba as he was rushed to London Chest Hospital's intensive care unit in a critical condition; Andrea Pirlo dedicated Juventus' victory over Fiorentina to him, fans of both sides chanted his name from the 41st-minute of Manchester United's 5-0 thumping of Wolves at Molinuex, former teammate Gary Cahill had an undershirt printed up in support and Real Madrid followed suit shortly after.

Snapshot: Frodo Spearing Wanders Into The Kingdom Of The Ents

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By Chris Wright

"I promised Gandalf I would keep you safe and safe is where I'll keep you"

Few more (altogether less amusing) photos from Liverpool's 2-1 win over Stoke in the FA Cup at Anfield yesterday afternoon...

Highlights (including Stewart Downing doing one of those 'goal' things we all thought he'd given up on).

Lokomotiv Moscow Dismiss Banana Thrown At Anzhi’s Chris Samba As ‘Surreptitious’ Set-Up

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By Chris Wright

It is being reported that Anzhi centre-half Christopher Samba was given the ol' Russian Banana Salute (as given to Roberto Carlos and Peter Odemwingie before him) by Lokomotiv Moscow fans during Sunday evening's game between the two sides.

Athens Derby Between Panathinaikos & Olympiakos Abandoned After Stadium Set On Fire (Photos & Videos)

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By Chris Wright

The Athens derby between the two strongest sides in Greek football, Olympiakos and Panathinaikos, had to be abandoned with eight minutes left after sadly predictable rioting broke out amongst the crowd (populated solely by Panathinaikos fans as, ironically, no Olympiakos fans were allowed to attend for fear of trouble)Â though, in actuality, the match was beset with violence and stupidity which began several hours before kick-off when hundreds of youths attempted to make their way into the stadium without tickets.

Syrian TV Station Claim Barcelona Formations Are Coded Messages To Rebel Arms Smugglers

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By Chris Wright

"You CANNOT be Syria...s"

It may come as quite a shock for you to learn that I am not, nor have I ever been, a pre-eminent commentator on the disputes and conflicts that have engulfed the Middle East over the years and, with that revelation in mind, I'm going to steer clear of the politics involved here and instead focus on the utter, undiluted lunacy.

Sporting KC’s Kei Kamara Celebrates St Patrick’s Day Goal With Irish Jig Celebration (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas St. Patrick's Day on Saturday to be sure so it was, a day which saw Sporting KC beat New England Revs by three goals to nothing over in MLSland, the second of which was scored by Kei Kamara and celebrated in a truly fitting manner a Riverdance-style Irish jig, complete with over-sized comedy Leprechaun hats.

Real Madrid Line Up vs Malaga In ‘Get Well Soon Muamba’ & ‘Animo Abidal’ Shirts (Video & GIF)

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By Chris Wright

The footballing sphere has been quick to lend it's sympathy and support this weekend, with messages of unity flooding in from around the world for both Eric Abidal (who's facing a liver transplant) and Fabrice Muamba including Real Madrid, who took to the pitch before their 1-1 draw with Malaga in specially made t-shirts rooting for both of their stricken comrades.

Shefki Kuqi Scores Outrageous Booming 40-Yard Volley vs Rochdale (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Shefki Kuqi yes, that Shefki Kuqi; once of Stockport/Sheffield Wednesday/Ipswich/Blackburn/Crystal Palace/Fulham/Ipswich again/Swansea/Derby and Newcastle, now of Oldham Athletic  booms home an absolutely outrageous 40-yard volley to equalise against Rochdale in League One on Saturday afternoon.

Horror Hair: Raul Meireles Plays With Dead Guinea Pig On Head

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By Chris Wright

Spotted atop Raul Meireles' head during Chelsea's run-out again Leicester City yesterday: What appears to a guinea pig a guinea pig that has obviously been killed for sport by being thrown into the propeller of a motorboat then worn as some kind of sick crown.

Snapshot: Fernando Torres Finally Scores After 152 Goal-Free Days

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By Alan Duffy


Sweet Relief!!!

The poor chap (well, £50million pounds of poor chap, that is) has become the but of many jokes this season, but finally, Fernando Torres got on the scoresheet for Chelsea, not once but twice in their comfortable demolition of Leicester City in the Cup.

Pep Guardiola Accidentally Nails Sevilla Medic With Water Bottle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Like the hellish finale from one of Marko Marin's recurring nightmares, a member of Sevilla's medical staff was subjected to the horrors of being struck by an empty water bottle, chucked absent-mindedly at him by Pep Guardiola during Barca's 2-0 win at the Sanchez Pijuan yesterday evening.

Snapshot: Sevilla Unveil New Hot Dog-Flavoured Subs Bench

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By Chris Wright

Somewhere between 'audaciously awesome' and 'tacky as sin'; Sevilla's new substitutes bench, as unveiled against Barcelona last night, is really quite something...

Wow.

Snapshot: Sevilla Unveil New Hot Dog-Flavoured Subs Bench

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By Chris Wright

Somewhere between 'audaciously awesome' and 'tacky as sin'; Sevilla's new substitutes bench, as unveiled against Barcelona last night, is really quite something...

Wow.

Fulham 0-3 Swansea – Classy Swans Too Good For Whites At The Cottage (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Fulham 0-3 Swansea City Premier League 17th March 2012


Brendan Rodgers' Swansea side look to have finally cracked their travel-sickness problem which had affected the Premier League new boys for most of the season.

Wigan 1-1 West Brom – Latics Stay Bottom After Wasteful Showing Against Baggies (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 1-1 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 17th March 2012


Roberto Martinez's Wigan side blew a great chance to get themselves out of the drop-zone on Saturday, after failing to beat West Brom despite having numerous chances to secure victory.

FA Cup: Everton 1-1 Sunderland – Black Cats Battle For Survival In Goodison Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-1 Sunderland FA Cup 17th March 2012


With Fabrice Muamba fighting for his life, it almost seems almost inappropriate to feature the other games that took place today, so I'll keep the reports short.

Fabrice Muamba “Critically Ill” In Hospital After Collapsing On Pitch At White Hart Lane

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By Alan Duffy

Democratic Republic of Congo-born England U21 midfielder Fabrice Muamba remains critically ill in hospital tonight after suffering what appeared to be a heart attack on the pitch in the first half of Bolton's FA Cup clash with Tottenham at White Hart Lane (which was abandoned by referee Howard Webb).

Wolves Players To Be Shown ‘Secret Exit’ At Molineux

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By Chris Wright

"Three bloody deep, bloody long tunnels will be dug: Tom, Mick, and Harry. One will succeed!"

With the club squatting down their in the 19th rung and tensions rising as a result, Wolves players are reportedly going to be shown a ‘secret' exit door out of Molineux if the post-match hostility that marred their 2-0 home loss against Blackburn rears its ugly head again.

Snapshot: Just Luis Figo Playing Golf In Ludicrous Trousers

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By Chris Wright

Stepping out for the Abama Pro-Am charity golf tournament in Tenerife, Luis Figo plumped for quite a daring choice in the pantaloons department...

I believe the term is 'Bobby Dazzlers.'

Via Gazzetta dello Sport

Arsenal Flop Park Chu-Young Dodges Korean Military Service For Another 10 Years

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By Alan Duffy


'Please God, let me dodge the army for another 10 years"

One of Arsene Wenger's surprise last-minute summer purchases, striker Park Chu-Young was expected to return to South Korea in the next year or two to undertake his national service.

ICONS Roll Out CR7 Memorabilia Range – Offer Chance To Win Signed Cristiano Ronaldo Shirts!

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"Erm, Jose..."

After first snagging him back in 2005 at the tender age of 20 and having just put pen to paper at Manchester United football memorabilia specialists ICONS have since forged a long-standing and exclusive signing deal with Cristiano Ronaldo, and have such amassed an impressive collection of swanky football goodies complete with the Portuguese superstar's sought-after squiggle daubed all over them.

Zlatan Apologises To Female Journalist By Sending Her 19 Roses – One For Every Goal He’s Scored

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By Chris Wright

Zlatan: Say it with flowers

You may remember not so very long ago when Zlatan Ibrahimovic, irked at being asked a perfectly legitimate question by Sky Italia reporter Vera Spadini, flicked his headband at her then asked 'what the f**k she was looking at?

‘He Looks Like A Georgian Gargoyle’ – Little Ditty About Phil Jones’ Amazing Gurns (Video)

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By Chris Wright

"Phil Jones is cracking player but, my god, his boat race is just horrifying. Truly, truly horrifying..."

Video: JD's Football Songs (thanks to @jamesrmdaly for the nudge!)

Suggested further viewing...

10 Photos Of Phil Jones' Amazing Game Face
Phil Jones Goes Hurtling Over Ad Hoardings (GIF)

Liverpool Reject Alberto Aquilani Set To Make Loan Move To Milan Permanent

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By Alan Duffy


Once touted as the man to bring an added creative spark to the Reds' midfield, Alberto Aquilani looks set to finally break all connections with the Anfield club and make his move to Milan a permanent one.

The £17million signing of the glamorous Roma playmaker in 2009 by Rafa Benitez was expected to infuse the Red's midfield with a classy and creative spark.

Metalist’s Marko Devic Suffers Naff Panenka Penalty Fail vs Olympiakos (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Metalist Kharkiv's Marko Devic, seen here delicately chipping a pathetic penalty into the waiting arms of Olympiakos keeper Balazs Megyeri because it's always satisfying to watch a cocky git get his comeuppance...

Unfortunately, Olympiakos managed to bin a two-goal aggregate lead, lose 2-1 on the night to the Ukrainians and suffer a shock exit from the Europa League with, you might've guessed, Devic scoring the 87th-minute winner.

UEFA Champions League Quarter-Final Draw: Chelsea Get Benfica, APOEL Welcome Real Madrid, AC Milan To Face Barcelona

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By Chris Wright

"Who have we got? I just can't look!"

'Der Afro' Paul Breitner has just done the business in Nyon and the draw for the Champions League quarter-finals looks a little like this in fact, it looks exactly like this...

APOEL vs Real Madrid
Marseille vs Bayern Munich
Benfica vs Chelsea (fun fact: Chelsea got Real Madrid in rehearsals)
AC Milan vs Barcelona

The first legs will be played on 27th and 28th March, and the second legs will be played on 3rd and 4th April 2012.

Turkish Side Eskisehirspor Banned From Lighting Flares, Respond Thusly… (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The spoilsports over at the Turkish FA have recently banned fans from lighting flares in the stands, though fans of Super Lig side Eskisehirspor obviously didn't take to kindly to the memo and, at their very next game, goaded the powers-that-be by unfurling a huge 'troll face' banner (like the one RVP gave Tim Krul the other night) and lighting several flares through the holes in it before rolling the bugger back up, tucking it away and carrying on like nothing had happened.

Joe Hart Almost Scores Last Minute Winner For Man City vs Sporting (Video)

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By Chris Wright

With the aggregate score tied at 3-3 and Sporting Lisbon going through on away goals, Man City sent everybody up for one last 'Hurrah' in the 95th-minute with the very last grain of sand about to fall through the Boggle timer of fate.

Nigel de Jong pumped a long ball to the back stick, where Joe Hart (a goalkeeper by trade, may we remind you) ran in behind, out-muscled Daniel Carrico and plonked a header back across goal, only for Rui Patricio to get a fateful finger on it and send the ball bobbling past the post.

Man City 3-2 Sporting (Agg. 3-3) – Citizens Fall Short After Brave Effort At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-2 Sporting Lison (Aggregate 3-3 Sporting win on away goals) Europa League 15th March 2012


Despite coming from 2-0 down at home on Thursday night, Manchester City's valiant 3-2 win against Sporting at the Etihad still failed to see them through to the last eight of the Europa League.

Athletic Bilbao 2-1 Man Utd (Agg. 5-3) – Red Devils Crash Out Of Europe As Brilliant Basques Blitz United (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Athletic Bilbao 2-1 Manchester United Europa League 15th March 2012

Manchester United crashed out of the Europa League on Thursday after being beaten 2-1 away at Athletic Bilbao. To be fair, United were thoroughly outplayed by the Spaniards, something Sir Alex Ferguson even admitted after the game.

Rafael Van Der Vaart Takes On FA Keepy Uppy Challenge – Posts Miserable Total, Blames Duff Shoes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Joining the likes of The Ox, Jordan Henderson, Literally Top Top Triffic Redknapp Jnr and Paul Merson (who almost had an aneurysm), Rafael van der Vaart has had a stab at FATV's Keepy Uppy challenge taking up thine fateful tennis ball in a room containing only beige things and several gigantic full-length mirrors.

Football GIF: Didier Drogba’s Peekaboo Gets ‘The Shining’ Treatment

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By Chris Wright

"Heeeeeere's Terry!"

This way for the original, starring you-know-who in the lead role.

GIF: Imgur

Hapoel Be’er Sheva Keeper Ohad Levita Fails ‘Basic Distribution 101′ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Hapeol Be'er Sheva (of the Israeli top flight) 'keeper Ohad Levita puts in a strong contender for the hotly-contested 'worst piece of goalkeeping distribution of all time EVAH' title, mis-firing terribly while attempting to sling a ball out to his left-back and all but gifting Bnei Yahuda their second goal of a 5-1 trouncing in the process.

Snapshot: Independiente Keeper Diego Rodriguez Fails ‘Cross Claiming 101′

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By Chris Wright

Obviously confused by the presence of two white, shiny spherical objects in his line of vision, Independiente 'keeper Diego Rodriguez is left with a 50/50 choice as to which one to come and claim...and duly gets it 100% wrong...

"KEEPER'S!

Eric Abidal To Undergo Liver Transplant In ‘Coming Weeks’

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By Chris Wright


Barcelona have just announced that Eric Abidal is to undergo an emergency liver transplant at some point 'in the coming weeks.'

Barca's medical department issued the following statement:

"In the coming weeks, Abidal will undergo a liver transplant, given the development of his liver illness.

Football GIF: Di Matteo Very Nearly Bins It vs Napoli

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By Chris Wright

In which, while celebrating John Terry's aggregate-kiboshing goal, Roberto Di Matteo hits turbulence and almost spirals out of control...

Good save Sir! That's the problem with Hush Puppies, no traction.

You can probably expect Bobby's super slick breakdancing to be added to the ever-expanding GIF behemoth that is the 'Premier League Supergroup' at some point in the not-so-distant future.

Top 10 Ghost Goals (Videos)

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By Tom Mordey

The timeless goal-line technology debate reared its big, ugly head again last weekend after QPR and Clint Hill saw a perfectly legitimate effort cross the line, only for the officials to disagree.

Then followed the inevitable bandwagon of people screaming at Sepp Blatter from far, far away with a string of inappropriate words to voice their displeasure at the Swiss buffoon's inability to ingratiate what would appear to be a fairly obvious solution to such a big problem in football.

Didier Drogba’s ‘Busquets Peekaboo’ Dive In All It’s Glory (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here we go, Dider Drogba's absolutely pathetic 'I've fallen and I can't get up' moment against Napoli during extra-time last night in all it's glory...

'If only someone would sync up Drogba's wimpy flop with Sergio Busquet's career-defining peekaboo dive against Inter Milan in 2010 so we could conveniently compare the two incidents side-by-side' we hear you cry.

XI Conclusions: Chelsea 4-1 Napoli (Agg. 5-4)

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By Chris Wright

"Hey Napoli, U mad brah?"

1. Regardless of his winning goal, Branislav Ivanovic had a shocker from a defensive standpoint. Positionally AWOL for long periods and repeatedly lapse and worryingly uninterested when closing down crosses.

Premier League Chairman Dave Richards Falls In Swimming Pool (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What the world was waiting for; footage of Premier League chairman Dave Richards taking an impromptu dip after his 'Johnny Foreigner stole football from England/We like a pint, etc, etc' rant at a conference in Dohar yesterday...

The theme of conference that Richards was speaking at?

Chelsea 4-1 Napoli (Agg. 5-4) – Old Guard Fire Blues To Superb Win At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy


Chelsea, under the temporary stewardship of Roberto Di Matteo, looked to have a massive task ahead of them on Wednesday night, with visitors Napoli taking a 3-1 advantage to Stamford Bridge from the first leg of the last 16 Champions League tie.

Squatters Invade Joey Barton’s House, Given ‘Full Marks For Audacity’ Then Threatened With Animal Warfare

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By Alan Duffy


Poor old Joey Barton. As well as having to contend with QPR's freefall into the drop-zone, football's Nathan Barley has just had his house invaded by squatters.

The reformed bad-boy is currently renting a place in west London while his house is being renovated.

Premier League Chairman Dave Richards Goes On Flag-Waving Rant, Claims Johnny Foreigner Stole Football From England

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By Alan Duffy


"I'll have a no. 22 and a no. 45 please. And some prawn crackers. And a Coke."

Apparently diplomacy isn't one of Premier League head honcho Dave Richards' best traits. The former Sheffield Wednesday chairman and FA board member has caused a bit of an international incident at a football security conference in Qatar after claiming that both FIFA and UEFA 'stole' the game of football from the English.

Man City Train Ahead Of Sporting Lisbon Clash – Tevez Returns To Festival Of Questionable Knitwear (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Manchester City have been limbering up at Carrington ahead of their Europa League 'round of 16′ second-leg tie against Sporting Lisbon tomorrow and, as ever with City training sessions between October and May, it was a festival of questionable winter knitwear.

Polish Under-8′s Game Abandoned…Due To Flares, Ticker Tape And Crowd Trouble (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Flares? Check. Ticker tape? Check. Giant flags? Check. Legions of shirtless men chanting at eardrum-rupturing intensity? Check. Must be the Polish Under-8′s league at the local leisure centre then...

Wow.

Bayern Munich 7-0 FC Basel (Agg. 7-1): Bayern Send Champions League Records Tumbling With Huge Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Trailing 1-0 from the first-leg, Bayern Munich racked up the biggest victory the Champions League knock-out phase has ever witnessed by sticking seven unanswered goals past FC Basel in the Allianz Arena last night to blunderbuss their way through to the quarter-final stage (that's 14 goals scored in the last two games for Bayern, having pounded TSG 1899 Hoffenheim 7-1 in the Bundesliga last Saturday).

Tanzanian Player Punches Referee In Face For Sending Teammate Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, after seeing his teammate Haruna Niyonzima sent off for using foul and abusive language against Azam FC, Young Africans (a team commonly referred to as 'Yanga') defender Stephano Mwasika exacts his revenge on referee Israel Mujuni by clocking him one square in the face during the resultant melee.

Chanting About A Dead Chairman: The Tragic Inevitability Of It All

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By Chris Wright

Last night, in a sucking wound of a retail park on the outskirts of town, somewhere between Toys 'R' Us and the David Lloyd fitness centre, at the far end of the JJB Sports carpark, a particularly unaesthetic 94th-minute winner from Jake Buxton saw Derby County beat Nottingham Forest 1-0 and the likelihood is that you probably couldn't care less.

Rafael Van Der Vaart’s Five-Year Old Son Goes Through His Paces At Tottenham Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Luckily, Rafael van der Vaart's five-year old son Damian looks to have inherited his old man's footwork and not his workrate if this video of the wee nipper charging around at Spurs Lodge, as posted on Twitter by the Tottenham midfielder himself, is anything to go by.

Liverpool 3-0 Everton: Virtuoso Gerrard Hat-Trick Settles Merseyside Derby (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"Chinny reckon!"

A picture perfect hat-trick from Steven Gerrard on his first Premier League start since 11th February saw Liverpool comfortably usher Everton aside at Anfield and keep themselves above their Merseyside rivals in the Premier League pile.

Snapshot: Liverpool Blatantly Advertise Racism During Merseyside Derby

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By Chris Wright

I mean, there's sticking by your man but, by Jove, this really is beyond the pale...

Via Mock Session

‘Only A Madman Would Sign Him Now’ – Farewell Adriano, We Hardly Knew Ye

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By Chris Wright

Corinthians have announced that they have terminated and torn up Adriano's contract after giving up on ever rescuing the wayward Brazilian from his ongoing career funk with imminent retirement looking like a very real prospect for the former Inter Milan battering ram.

Premier League In Hot Water With UEFA Over Merseyside Derby Scheduling

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By Alan Duffy

Ahead of Tuesday night's Merseyside derby, a game which could see Everton boss David Moyes celebrate his 10th anniversary in charge at Goodison by watching his side leapfrog Liverpool in the league table courtesy of a win, the Scottish FA are making an official complaint about the scheduling of the game.

‘I Wasn’t Crying, I Was Just Frustrated’ – Crying Man City Fan Explains His Tears

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By Chris Wright

Since becoming a low-level meme after his histrionics at the Liberty Stadium went viral at the weekend, 'Crying Man City Fan' (goverment name: John Millington) has been moved to explain his tears in a bid to preserve his image.

John told the Manchester Evening News:

"I wasn't crying, I was just frustrated and very tired.

David Moyes Adamant UEFA’s ‘Hot Balls’ Put Everton Out Of 2005 Champions League

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By Chris Wright

"Mother, get the tin foil! They're listening to my dreams again!"

One for the conspiracy theorists now. If you happen to believe that the CIA are collecting samples from every stool that passes through your U-bend or that it was the giant metallic stick insects from Jupiter's caramel centre that were responsible for 9/11 then this may be right up your alley.

Asco CF’s Sergi Grau Scores Delightfully Crap Own-Goal vs FC Santfeliuenc (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Everything about this is pitiful; Asco CF midfielder Sergio Grau's amazing, volleyed, skyscraping own goal from six-yards scored both against and for FC Santfeliuenc in the semi-pro Primera Catalana league in Spain at the weekend...

It would also be remiss of us to not berate the Asco 'keeper for his part in that piss-poor debacle.

Exeter City’s Danny Coles Breaks Back In Training, Waits For Doctor’s Report

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By Alan Duffy


A pulled hamstring or a twisted ankle are all part and parcel of the game of football, but you don't expect to hear about a footballer breaking his back during a training session. However, that's exactly what has happened to Exeter City defender Danny Coles.

Maradona’s Al Wasl Keeper Banned For 17 Games After Whacking Al Ahli Coach Quique Sanchez Flores In The Head (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Al Wasl coach Diego Maradona will be without his goalkeeper Majid Nasser for the next 17 games after he was caught on camera whacking Al Ahli coach Quique Sanchez Flores (of Valencia, Atletico Madrid and 'Dr House' fame) across the back of the head in a fit of prissy rage after the latter side put the former out of the Etisalat Cup on Saturday night.

10 Photos Of Football ‘Platoon Moments’

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By Chris Wright

(Please click play to create a suitable atmosphere for perusing these photos...)

Right let's set the scene.

The cloying, suffocating heat sends up shimmering mirages from the dust as Sgt. Elias is mowed down from behind by an entire squadron of Vietcong guerillas.

Snapshot: Lionel Messi Makes Flying Fingertip Save

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By Chris Wright

Though probably susceptible to lobs, you just know he's frigging awesome betwixt the sticks as well...

Via Carles Puyol's Facebook page.

Snapshot: Zidane’s Headbutt On Materazzi Immortalised As Sculpture

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By Chris Wright

"Bosh!"

The moment that, during the 2006 World Cup Final, Zinedine Zidane sensed a final, glorious swansong and bowed out of the game with a celestially graceful headbutt to Marco Materazzi's sternum has been immortalised in bronze as part of an exhibition entitled 'Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf' by Algerian artist Adel Abdessemed which is due to go on show in the David Zwirner Gallery in New York shortly.

Football GIF: Carles Puyol Helps Pique Get Dressed

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By Chris Wright

Right arm first Gerard, here comes the choo-choo train...

GIF: ONTD

Gary Neville’s Refreshing Take On Robin Van Persie vs Tim Krul Spat (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Once an odious pantomime villain of a player, since signing on the dotted line with Sky Sports, Gary Neville has begun slowly winning over the hearts and minds of the population with his forthright analysis and his endearing lack of BS when calling matches with his dismissive take on the nothing 'spat' between Robin van Persie and Tim Krul last night being the latest in a gradually lengthening line of reasons to like not 100% despise Red Nev.

‘Judge Us On Our Sponsorship And Kit Deals’ – Dalglish Claims Reds’ Business Success As Important As Winning Games

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By Alan Duffy


Ahead of Tuesday's nights Merseyside derby which sees ninth-placed Everton attempt to leapfrog rivals Liverpool in the table with a victory, Liverpool boss Kenny Dalglish has spoken, rather bizarrely, about how the Reds' off the pitch activities are just as important as the team's performance in the Premier League.

Arsenal 2-1 Newcastle – Comeback Kings Move To Within A Point Of Spurs (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Arsenal 2-1 Newcastle United Premier League 12th March 2012

By snatching a last-gasp victory over Newcastle at the Emirates on Monday night, Arsenal became the first team in Premier League history to come from behind and win in four games in a row.

All 50 Lionel Messi 2011/12 Goals In The Space Of 180 Seconds (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Finally, a bit of decent backing music on one of these God-forsaken things...

Via @Telegraph Sport

Luiz Adriano Files Contender For Worst Miss In History Of Recorded Time (Video)

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By Chris Wright

For the three of you that haven't seen it yet; what we have here is Luiz Adriano's one-yard crap bucket of a stinker of a howling miss, which came just minutes after the Brazilian 'striker' came on for Shakthar Donetsk during their 2-1 win over Illichevits in the Ukrainian league on Saturday evening.

Non-League Game Abandoned After Referee Stung By Bee (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Whyteleafe and Hythe Town had their Ryman Isthmian Football League Division One South match called off with just half-an-hour played when the referee, one Ashley Slaughter, collapsed after being stung by a bee.

After being stung in the 31st minute, Slaughter suffered an allergic reaction to being stung by a bee and recieved medical attention on the pitch from the Hythe physio which caused the match to be delayed for a further 30 minutes.

Your Call: Man City Or Man Utd – Who Will Hold Their Nerve In Premier League Title Race?

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By Chris Wright

As you may have gathered by now, Manchester United went a whole point clear over City at the top of the Premier League pile yesterday, overtaking their bestest chums in the standings after trailing behind since October 15th of last year.

Chasing down league title number 20, United snaffled all three points with a 2-0 win over West Brom at Old Trafford while City huffed and puffed their way to a 1-0 defeat against Swansea at the Liberty thus finding themselves in second place at the close of play for the first time in nearly five months.

Snapshot: Wigan’s Slightly Quaint Away Support At Norwich

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By Chris Wright

Aw, bless 'em. Here's Wigan's away support from yesterday's 1-1 draw with Norwich at Carrow Road...

We shouldn't mock, as those ten or so fans are clearly dedicated souls, but there's always something so quaint about seeing such a tiny flock of away support.

Football GIF: Phil Jones Goes Hurtling Over Advertising Boards vs West Brom

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By Chris Wright

Phil! PHIL! Watch out for that adverti...

Too late.

Suggested further viewing...

10 Photos Of Phil Jones' Amazing Game Face

Dynamo Dresden Sell Out 32,000-Capacity ‘Ghost Game’

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By Chris Wright

"You're not singing anymore!"

2. Bundesliga club Dynamo Dresden played in front of a sell-out crowd at their 32,066-capacity Glucksgas Stadion on Saturday despite the ground being completely empty for the entire duration.

Due to 'fan excesses and abuse of fireworks' during a cup game against Borussia Dortmund, Dynamo were ordered to play the tie against Ingolstadt 'behind closed doors' by way of punishment, but the club still put the "ghost tickets" on general sale, selling the last one on the Saturday evening before the game.

‘What The F**k Are You Looking At?’ – Zlatan Attacks Female Journalist With Sweaty Headband (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After belting home a glorious half-volley in Milan's 2-0 victory over Lecce on Saturday, Zlatan Ibrahimovic was involved in yet another fracas with a female journalist (through no fault of his own, Ibra nearly ran a reporter over outside Milanello a few weeks back) after the game.

Snapshot: Man City Fan In Floods Of Tears After Swansea Goal (With GIF)

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By Chris Wright

Easily the strangest scene from the weekend's football, this poor Man City fan just couldn't hold back the tears after seeing his side go 1-0 down against Swansea yesterday courtesy of Luke Moore's 83rd-minute header the goal that turned out to be the winner on the day and the goal that helped send Manchester United to the top of the Premier League tree.

Wolves 0-2 Blackburn – Hoilett Brace Moves Rovers Out Of The Drop Zone At Molineux (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wolverhampton Wanderers 0-2 Blackburn Rovers Premier League 10th March 2012

Blackburn moved three points clear of the drop-zone on Saturday after a Junior Hoilett-inspired victory over Wolves at Molineux.

Prior to the game, home fans protested at the decision to give Terry Connor the manager's job until the end of the season, and Wolves' performance over the following 90 minutes will only have added fuel to the fire for the protesters.

Aston Villa 1-0 Fulham – Wiemann Winner Breaks The Tension At Villa Park (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa Fulham Premier League 10th March 2012


After seven home games without a victory, the atmosphere around Villa Park was a mixture of tension and frustration as the home fans watched their side play out, what looked like, another disappointing draw.

Football GIF: Ricardo Fuller Stamps On Branislav Ivanovic’s Fleshy Bits

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By Chris Wright

Ricardo Fuller, eh? What a chump...

Take thy red card and walk.

GIF via LFCTV

Sunderland 1-0 Liverpool – Bendtner Bruises Reds’s Top Four Hopes (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 1-0 Liverpool Premier League 10th March 2012


They may have collected some silverware this season, courtesy of a hard-fought Carling Cup victory over Cardiff, but overall, this season has been a bit of a damp squib for Kenny Dalglish's Liverpool side.

Wayne Rooney Tells Twitter Fans To Follow Comedy Bigot ‘Chubby’ Brown, Loses United Some Of The Moral High Ground

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By Alan Duffy

'Danny, mate, I've got this great Chubby Brown joke about Africans.....'

I've said it before and I'll say it again clubs should ban their players from using Twitter it's becoming the ultimate source of high-profile faux-pas and own-goals, with our dearly beloved football players often Tweeting before they've engaged their brains.

Chelsea 1-0 Stoke – Drogba Fires Blues To Vital Victory At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 1-0 Stoke City Premier League 10th March 2012


Despite playing against 10 men for the majority of the game, Roberto Di Matteo's Chelsea side struggled to break down a trademark hardworking Stoke perfomance at Stamford Bridge.

Everton 1-0 Tottenham – Jelavic The Hero For Toffees As Spurs Feel The Pressure (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton Tottenham Hotspur Premier League 10th March 2012


Following their third league defeat on the trot, a first under Harry Redknapp, Tottenham's hold on third spot and indeed a top four berth come the end of the season is looking less and less solid.

Bolton 2-1 QPR – Trotters Secure Vital Three Points Against Unlucky Rangers (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Bolton Wanderers Queens Park Rangers Premier League 10th March 2012


A rather dismal start to this relegation clash was brought to life by a major cock-up courtesy of the officials. With 20 minutes of the rather mediocre encounter gone, Clint Hill's header from close-range went over the line by at least a couple of feet before Bolton 'keeper Adam Bogdan scooped it back out.

Clint Hill’s ‘Goal’ That Never Was For QPR Strengthens The Video Technology Argument (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

At the end of the season, Clint Hill's 'goal' that was never given could prove vital in QPR's battle against relegation, given that the west Londonders lost this six-pointer against Bolton 2-1 (they are now just above the drop-zone courtesy of goal-difference).

Snapshot: Lionel Messi’s Brother Gets Tattoo…Of Lionel Messi

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By Chris Wright

Matias Messi: Sweet ink/mullet...

Image: Sports Witness

Snapshot: Javi Martinez & Iker Muniain Caught On Webcam ‘Partying With Porn Stars’

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By Chris Wright

What is it with footballers and webcams, eh? Like moths to flames.

Like Ever Banega, Andres Guardado, Ronaldinho and Maxi Lopez before them, Athletic Bilbao and Spain U21 pair Javi Martinez and Iker Muniain have become the latest players to be caught in potentially compromising(ish) circumstances, 'partying and posing with a porn star' at a party a few weeks ago, i.

Umbro Give Virtual Tour Of St Georges’ Park – England’s Swanky New National HQ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's been over a decade and £25 million in the making, but the FA's brand-spanking new National Football Centre, St Georges' Park in Burton upon Trent, is now on course to open in August of this year.

The FA and long-time partner Umbro have both invested heavily in the project and the latter have produced this virtual tour so that mere proles like you and I can have a snufty inside the new facilities facilities that include 12 full-size football pitches, two Hilton hotels, a huge indoor sports hall, hydrotherapy suites, classrooms and seminar halls, several gyms, 'bespoke head tennis courts', sand pits, sweat boxes and an all important 'bleep test zone'.

Sir Alex Ferguson Has Subtitutes Board Dropped On His Foot (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, while attempting to bypass Sir Alex Ferguson and hand the electric subs board over to Mike Phelan last night, Manchester United coach Rene Meulensteen drops the bloody thing on his superior's foot leaving Sir with a fair bit of wincing and swearing under his breath to get through.

Europa League: Sporting 1-0 Man City – Cheeky Xandao Backheel Puts Portuguese In Pole Position (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Manchester City will go into the second leg of their Europa League last 16 fixture needing to overhaul a one-goal deficit at the Etihad after an exquisitely cheeky backheel from Brazilian centre-half Xandao saw Sporting run out as a narrow winners in Lisbon.

APOEL Player Misses Champions League Celebrations…Quite Literally (Video)

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By Chris Wright

I've been waiting for a video of this little mishap to surface since watching the highlights on Wednesday night, in which we see an over-zealous APOEL player (eyes peeled at the 0:05 mark) quite literally missing out on his side's Champions League celebrations following their historic win over Lyon.

Europa League: Man Utd 2-3 Athletic Bilbao – One Of Those Crazy Old Trafford Nights (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

What a fantastic game of football! Thoroughly enjoyable Thursday night funtimes!

Manchester United suffered yet another home European defeat, finding themselves thoroughly out-ran and out-played by Athletic Bilbao at Old Trafford, who were everything you'd expect a Marco Bielsa side to be; effervescent, energetic, skillful, direct and perfectly willing to charge around at full-tilt from whistle to whistle.

Paul Merson Attempts FA Keepy Uppy Challenge – Fails, Blames Shoes, Threatens To Stab Ball (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've already seen The Ox and Jordan Henderson duke it out, Jamie Redknapp have a go and nearly smash a bloody expensive-looking vase and now the latest contender to pick up the baton and give the FA's tennis ball Keepy Uppy Challenge a whirl is sloshy Sky Sports pundit Paul Merson.

Glen Johnson Picks At The Suarez Scab, Points The Finger At Patrice Evra…Again

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By Alan Duffy


Let sleeping dogs lie and all that? Not in Glen Johnson's little book of happiness, oh no. The Liverpool and England defender has booted some life back into the ailing Suarez/Evra debacle today by talking about the incident, at length, in the Daily Mail.

Football GIF: Injury-Time Overhead Kick Equaliser With Overhead Kick Assist

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By Chris Wright

Trailing 2-1 as their Asian Champions League with Japanese side Nagoya Grampus Eight ticked over into injury time last night, Seongnam (of South Korea) were getting desperate and needed something super duper special to restore parity. What followed was roughly one full level above 'super duper special'.

Robbie Fowler Knocks Back Blackpool Deal After Being Offered Just £90 A Week

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By Chris Wright

"£90? I don't even get out of bed for less than a ton!"

As you may be aware, God has been by the seaside these past few weeks, as Robbie Fowler has been training with Blackpool with his eyes firmly set on securing a permanent deal with the Championship club.

Snapshot: Van Der Vaart & Defoe – Leave A Tender Moment Alone

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By Chris Wright

Tottenham came from behind to beat Stevenage 3-1 in their FA Cup fifth round replay last night, with the only real sour note being a season-ending ankle and knee ligament injury to Michael Dawson caused by an awkward fall.

Elsewhere though, love was blossoming at the Lane.

Neymar Scores Couple Of Solo Corkers On Way To Hat-Trick vs Internacional (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While all eyes were on Messi and his quintet, Neymar quietly went about scoring a paltry hat-trick against Internacional in the Copa Libertadores last night the first being a boring old penalty, the second being an incredible full-tilt 60-yard solo slalom dribble with a rinky dink over the 'keeper to finish.

Wolves Captain Roger Johnson Apologises For Turning Up For Training ‘Drunk’ After 5-0 Fulham Defeat

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By Chris Wright

"Dorus, you're my besht mate *hic* I love you man..."

Wolves captain Roger Johnson has publically apologised after turning up to training on Monday morning 'bleary-eyed' and 'under the influence of alcohol'Â less than 24 hours after their humiliating 5-0 defeat against Fulham.

Man City Boss Mancini Wants Robin Van Persie, Ponders Summer Move For Dutch Goal Machine

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By Alan Duffy

Man City manager Roberto Mancini has confirmed that he wants to sign Arsenal's in-form Dutch striker Robin van Persie. Obviously not content with a forward line which includes Sergio Aguero, Mario Balotelli and Edin Dzeko, the Italian is now looking to tempt Van Persie away from the Emirates with some of that trademark City oil money.

Champions League: Barcelona 7-1 Bayer Leverkusen – 24 Glorious Photos Of Messi And Co. Running Riot

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By Chris Wright

Loadsa photos from the 7-1 arse-paddling that Barcelona doled out to Bayer Leverkusen in the Champions League last night (this way for the highlights)...

Photos: PA

Snapshot: Dionisios Chiotis The Penalty Hero As APOEL Shock Lyon In Champions League

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By Alan Duffy

In saving shoot-out spot-kicks from both Alexandre Lacazette and Michel Bastos, APOEL FC 'keeper Dionsios Chiotis sent his unfancied side through to an historic quarter-final berth in the Champions League.

French giants Lyon came to Nicosia 1-0 ahead after the first leg, but a magnificent display from the home side, who went ahead after just nine minutes courtesy of Gustavo Manduca, set up a dramatic penalty shoot-out.

7 Ridiculous Criticisms Of Lionel Messi Debunked

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By Chris Wright

Five goals for the first time ever in a Champions League game (beating his own jointly-held record of four), seven goals off the top of the all-time Champions League scorers chart at the age of 24, 48 goals in 42 games this season (with 20 assists), 53 goals in 49 games for club and country, a total of 228 goals in 311 appearances for Barcelona (including 186 in his last 201 games), five Spanish league titles, three Champions League titles, an Olympic gold medal and individual awards up to his armpits.

Messi Makes History As Barcelona Tonk Leverkusen 7-1 (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

On their way (most likely) to yet another Champions League trophy, the might Barca hammered Bayer Leverkusen 7-1 at the Nou Camp on Wednesday night (9-2 on aggregate) with a certain Lionel Messi once again the star of the show.

The pint-sized Argentine became the first player ever to score five in a Champions League game as he took his total for the season (for both club and country) to 53 goals in 49 appearances.

Carlos Tevez Makes Goal-Scoring Return With Man City Reserves (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After coming through a behind-closed doors training match last week, Carlos Tevez made his competitive and public Man City return with the reserv.... sorry, the 'Elite Development Squad' in a game against Bolton in the Manchester Senior Cup last night following his five month jaunt in limboville.

Heineken Prank Football Fans By Hiding Champions League Trophy In Their Hotel Rooms (Video)

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By Chris Wright

To mark the Round of 16 kicking off tonight and the fact that they are just about to take the UEFA Champions League trophy on it's first ever 'world tour', tournament sponsors Heineken have knocked out a charming little viral that sees football fans checking into their hotel rooms only to find 'Big Ears' sitting in the middle of it.

Man Utd & Man City Train Ahead Of Europa League Last 16 Ties (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Just a few photos of both Manchesters' United and City going through their paces at their respective Carrington training HQs ahead of their respective Europa League last 16 ties with Athletic Bilbao and Sporting Lisbon respectively tomorrow at the respective times of 20:05 and 18:00 BST.

10 Incredible Goalkeeper Double Saves

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By Chris Wright

With a doff of the cap to Mr Abbiati's exertions last night, here's ten more fine, flying, clawing, sprawling goalkeeping double saves to feast your peepers uponst...

1. Jim Montgomery, SUNDERLAND vs Leeds

Regarded by gentlemanly scholars as the greatest double save to have ever graced the game, so a fitting place to start.

Snapshot: Arsenal Bench Slathered In Vomit vs Milan, Wenger Pretends Not To Notice

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By Chris Wright

Someone chundered (we've blurred it because, let's face it, no-one likes looking at sick) all down the Arsenal substitute bench against Milan last night chief culprit being Tomas Ro-sicky, though it may also have been Per Mertesicker or even Mik-hurl Arteta.

FA Cup: Birmingham 0-2 Chelsea – Life After AVB Begins With Win As Blues Cruise Through (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

It wasn't spectacular by any stretch of the imagination, but Chelsea did what needed to be done at St Andrews getting life after Andres Villas-Boas off to a winning start against Birmingham City in their FA Cup fifth round replay.

A poked finish from Juan Mata and a 20-yard, first-time peach from Raul Meireles (who curiously didn't celebrate, perhaps as a mark of penance to compatriot Villas-Boas) saw Roberto Di Matteo's interim reign begin with victory and duly spirited the Blues safely through to the quarter-finals.

Football GIF: Christian Abbiati’s Heroic Double Save vs Arsenal

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By Chris Wright

The moment that first Gervinho and then Robin van Persie very nearly hauled Arsenal back level at the Emirates last night, only to be denied by the goalkeeping heroics of one Christian Abbiati...

Great save, though you can almost hear his knees creaking from here!

Roy Keane Rants About Chelsea Pre-Match Ear Flicking (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea saw off Birmingham by two goals to nil in their FA Cup fifth round replay at St Andrews last night (photos up shortly), but it was the Chelsea players' wanton display of anything more emotive than a fierce, dead-eyed glare before the game that really got ITV pundit Roy 'Every Day's A Jamboree' Keane's dander up.

Champions League: Arsenal 3-0 AC Milan (3-4 Agg.) – Gunners Flirt With Glory But Fail To Overcome The Odds (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Almost. Almost. With a four-goal swing to overturn from the first leg in Milan, Arsenal scored three first-half goals (Laurent Koscielny, Tomas Rosicky and a Robin Van Persie penalty) at the Emirates last night to bring themselves to the brink of the improbable though, with AC Milan erratic and chaotic after an hour on the ropes, the Gunners were unable to land that crucial killer blow before their ailing opponent's began to regain a foothold.

Snapshot: Mario Balotelli Takes His New Wheels Out For A Spin

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By Chris Wright

A tiger-faced man grinning in the light as Mario Balotelli rides around on a little red bike with stabilisers in what appears to be a refrigerated meat warehouse/industrial kitchen.

This is all eerily similar to a dream I had last night...

Scoring a goal?

Hernan Crespo Offered To Norwegian Second Division Side HamKam, Gets Swiftly Rejected

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By Alan Duffy


Crespo reacts to missing out on that dream move to HamKam

Once the most expensive footballer in the world (Lazio paid Parma a record-breaking £35m for him in 2000),  free agent Hernan Crespo is now being touted around some of Europe's less glamorous clubs.

Paolo Guerrero Banned For Eight Games For Full-Tilt Horror Tackle On Stuttgart Keeper (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Unsurprisingly, Hamburg striker Paolo Guerrero has just been slapped with an eight-game ban for his disgusting, studs-up assault on Stuttgart keeper Sven Ulreich's fleshy bits at the weekend...

Awful tackle, malicious in it's intent and execution.

David O’Leary Calls On FIFA As Al Ahli Contract Dispute Rumbles On

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By Alan Duffy


Once a familiar, if sometimes annoying, face to followers of the Premier League, former Arsenal and Ireland great David O'Leary was most recently plying his managerial trade in the UAE with Al Ahli.

However, last year, the gangly former centre-half was sacked by the club just one year into a three-year contract.

‘I’d Be Lying If I Said I Didn’t’ – Andy Gray Admits Considering Taking Own Life In Aftermath Of Sky Sports Sexism Farrago

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By Chris Wright

Speaking candidly to the Evening Standard, Andy Gray has admitted that he considered killing himself in the months after both he and Richard Keys were sacked by Sky Sports when a slew of the pair's sexist remarks were made public back in January of 2011.

Shit Lookalikes: Alex Song’s Hair & The Walls Of Your Small Intestine

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By Chris Wright

Straight out of left field, one for the medical students or just fans of the digestive system in general...

Song plays in the middle for Arsenal

Villi are small fronds found lining the walls of the small intestine that absorb nutrients and sugars during digestion though you probably knew that already, amirite?

15 Photos Of Bloody Footballers

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By Chris Wright

Footballers bloody footballers. 15 of the blighters to be exact, for no other reason than I got my forehead opened up playing football last night and I want everyone else to suffer.

Warning: All of these photos have spilt claret in them (picture No.

Portuguese Man Files £10m Lawsuit Against Baptist Church For Ruining His Chances Of Playing For Man Utd

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By Chris Wright

A man who never managed to get beyond the Portuguese third division during his semi-professional playing career is suing the Baptist church for £10 million, claiming that becoming a 'fervent evangelist' at the age of 25 stymied his chances of playing for Manchester United.

Eva Carneiro’s Job Is Safe At Chelsea – Saints Be Praised! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Good news everybody, we are hearing this morning that Eva Carneiro is to stay on as Chelsea's first-team doctor despite the untimely sacking of the man, over the weekend, who had the grace, foresight and endeavour to appoint her back in the summer one Andres Villas-Boas.

Belgian Amateur Suffers Three Displaced Vertebrae And Serious Concussion, Gets Sent Off For ‘Diving’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What is likely to remain the worst refereeing decision of the season occurred during a Belgian amateur game between Templeuve and Quevy at the weekend, in which midfielder Julien Lecomte was red-carded (second booking) for 'diving' while in the act of being stretchered from the pitch with what turned out to be three compressed and displaced vertebrae in his neck and a serious concussion as a result of being playfully elbowed in the neck by his marker.

Leaked: John Terry’s Letter To Roman Abramovich That Got Andre Villas-Boas Sacked

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By Chris Wright

We'd say this was a spoof if we weren't quite so certain that it's probably the real deal...

Via: ??? (We're not entirely sure. If you know whose handiwork this is, let us know and we'll dole out the credit due)

Ex-Spurs And Bolton Defender Gudni Bergsson Stabbed Twice After Protecting Colleague From Knife Attack

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By Alan Duffy


Icelandic ex-footballer Gudni Bergsson, who made a name for himself in Blighty with both Tottenham and Bolton in the nineties and early noughties is in the news again. Well, in Iceland anyway. And on Pies, obviously.

The qualified lawyer and Icelandic TV presenter came to the rescue of a colleague who was being attacked outside the offices of legal firm Lagastod Lágmúla.

Snapshot: Jack Wilshere In A Liverpool Shirt

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By Chris Wright

Here's Jack Wilshere wearing a Liverpool goalkeeper shirt. Why? Not the foggiest the most likely explanation being, of course, BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTZZZZZ!!!!!...

What naked man?

Catania’s Giovanni Marchese Scores Fantastic 30-Yard Volley vs Novara (Video)

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By Chris Wright

This is from a week or so ago but, tardy as it be, it's definitely worthy of a belated shufty if you, like us, missed it at the time.

With the ball coming down from the ether from a looping corner, Catania left-back Giovanni Marchese sets himself and blasts a peach of a volley past Novara 'keeper Samir Ujkani to score his side's second goal in their 3-1 victory.

Mancini Fines Balotelli £250k For Strip Club Excursion, Tells Him To Get Married

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By Chris Wright

"Two weeks' wages boyo! Read 'em and weep..."

Man City manager Roberto Mancini has followed through on his promise to bring about the heaviest fine possible for Mario Balotelli after the striker was papped slinking out of a Liverpool strip club in the wee small hours of Friday morning (2:45am to be exact) by relieving him of two weeks' wages £250,000.

Robin Van Persie: A Misty-Eyed Love Letter

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By Chris Wright

No need for that! Jesus, just take the damn compliment

Oh Robin, with your salt and pepper-flecked temples and your eyes; dark, wild and darting, like two endless pools of Castrol sump oil. Your left foot: cultured and versatile.

Shit Lookalikes: Pavel Pogrebnyak & A Baboon

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By Chris Wright

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to us at waatpies@gmail.com or drop us a Tweet at @waatpies.

Sessegnon & Cattermole Handed Respective Three And Four-Game Bans For Red Cards In Ugly Tyne-Wear Derby

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By Chris Wright

Sunderland pair Stephane Sessegnon and Lee Cattermole have been issued a cumulative total of seven game's worth of suspensions following their red cards in (and after) yesterday's ugly Tyne-Wear derby at the Sports Direct Northeast Regional HQ Stadium a match, we'd just like to mention, that was refereed nigh-on impeccably by Mike Dean.

Mamelodi Sundowns Just Pip Powerlines FC 24-0 In South African Nedbank Cup (Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

It all got a little tense at the end, but Mamelodi Sundowns tussled their way to a nervy 24 (24!)-0 victory over Powerlines in the last 32 of the South African Nedbank Cup, setting a national record in the process.

10-0 up at half-time, by the final whistle Sundowns' Hlompho Kekana had notched seven, Nyasha Mushekwi six and Richard Henyekane had bagged himself five goals as Mamelodi ran roughshod over their opponents, comfortably eclipsing the previous record win in South Africa -Â AmaZulu's 16-0 Mainstay Cup trouncing of Ford Pirates in 1986.

Andre Villas-Boas Sacked By Chelsea – The Rap Song (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Using nothing but a pack of Crayolas, their mad flow and five irretrievable hours of their lives, here's Fitba Thatba's gritty urban take on the sacking of AVB...

Via (who else?) Fitba Thatba

Fenerbahce’s Miroslav Stoch Scores Superbly Nonchalant 25-Yard Volley vs Genclerbirligi (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's always nice to start the week with a beautiful volley, and volley's don't come much more beautiful than this Miroslav Stoch (formerly of Chelsea) nonchalantly clipping a 25-yarder into the very top corner to open the scoring for Fenerbahce against Genclerbirligi Ankara on Saturday evening.

Chelsea Sack Andre Villas-Boas, Rafa Benitez To Be Sworn In ‘Within 48 Hours’

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By Chris Wright

In this morning's inevitable, ridiculous, knee-jerk news; Andre Villas-Boas has been sacked by John Terry and Frank Lampard Chelsea following yesterday's 1-0 defeat at West Brom a result that leaves the club lying in shameful, shameful fifth place in the Premier League.

Stoke 1-0 Norwich – Potters Move Into Top Eight After Hard-Fought Win Over Canaries (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City Norwich City Premier League 3rd March 2012


Tony Pulis may not be too everybody's taste, but his achievements with Stoke cannot be underestimated. As well as having to contend with a European adventure this season, the Potters now find themselves in the lofty position of eighth place in the table after grinding out a 1-0 win against Norwich.

Snapshot: London’s Answer To The Anfield Cat – The Loftus Road Squirrel

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By Alan Duffy

There's nothing like a little furry creature to put a smile on the faces of even the most bitter football fans, players and managers. As QPR were, once again, failing to win at home, thus keeping them in real danger of the drop, a pesky little squirrel decides to pop along to take in the atmosphere.

Wigan 0-2 Swansea – Super Sigurdsson Downs Limp Latics (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic Swansea City Premier League 3rd March 2012


A superb brace from on-loan Icelandic midfielder Gylfi Sigurdsson hammered another nail into Wigan's relegation coffin on Saturday at the DW Stadium, as the home side stumbled to yet another damaging defeat.

QPR 1-1 Everton – Toffees Hold On As Rangers’ Poor Home Form Continues (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Queens Park Rangers Everton Premier League 3rd March 2012


The decision to replace Neil Warnock with Mark Hughes in the hot seat at Loftus Road has yet to have the desired effect for the west Londoners, who once again failed to secure a home win, this time against Everton.

Blackburn 1-1 Aston Villa – Dunn Grabs Vital Point For Rovers At Ewood (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Blackburn Rovers Aston Villa Premier League 3rd March 2012


Aston Villa travelled to Ewood Park without the injured Darren Bent and Robbie Keane, who has returned to the USA ahead of the new MLS season.

Blackburn 1-1 Aston Villa – Dunn Grabs Vital Point For Rovers At Ewood (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Blackburn Rovers Aston Villa Premier League 3rd March 2012


Aston Villa travelled to Ewood Park without the injured Darren Bent and Robbie Keane, who has returned to the USA ahead of the new MLS season.

Man City 2-0 Bolton – Citizens Too Strong For Trotters At The Etihad (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City Bolton Wanderers Premier League 3rd March 2012


City started the game with Silva, Aguero and Dzeko all on the bench, but Roberto Mancini's men still came out with all guns blazing, laying siege to Adam Bogdan's goal from the off and only failing to score thanks to the Hungarian's netminding skills.

Bolton’s Darren Pratley Almost Scores 25-Yard Own-Goal Cracker Against Man City (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

It mustn't have been much fun growing up with the name "Pratley". Kids can be so cruel etc etc. However, on Saturday against Man City, the Bolton midfielder almost lived up to his unfortunate moniker after bizarrely firing in a 25-yard effort on his own goal, only for the ball to cannon back off the crossbar.

West Brom 1-0 Chelsea – Sorry Blues No Match For Baggies At The Hawthorns (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 1-0 Chelsea Premier League 3rd March 2012


An away fixture against in-form West Brom was always going to be a tricky affair for AVB and his misfiring Chelsea side, but the mediocre performance produced by the visitors was still somewhat surprising.

Liverpool 1-2 Arsenal – Van Persie Leads Gunners’ Smash And Grab At Anfield (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-2 Arsenal Premier League 3rd March 2012


Despite being outplayed for large periods of the early game on Saturday, Arsenal managed to secure a vital win away at Anfield and build on their win against Tottenham last week.

Robin Van Persie Gives Martin Kelly The ‘W*nker’ Gesture (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Tut tut...

Here's a wee bonus video of RVP's awesome 92nd-minute winning volley thrown in at no extra charge skip to the 0:30 mark...

Horror Hair: Neymar’s Roadkill Bog Brush Mullet vs Bosnia And Herzegovina

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By Chris Wright

Now, Neymar's Rufio-esque faux-mullet-mo plumage looks pretty iffy at the best of the times, but it's latest incarnation (sported during Brazil's insipid 2-1 win over Bosnia and Herzegovina in midweek) is possibly and we don't say this lightly the worst it's ever looked; like a knackered bog brush selotaped across this head, with enough matted hair left over at the back to still form that all important 'mullet' element.

Hulk Scores 25-Yard, 108Kp/h Thunderboomer vs Benfica (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Porto beat Benfica 3-2 on Benfica's patch last night, taking them three points clear at the top of the table. Hulk scored the opener with a 30-yard thunderboomer, a shot that was clocked at 108 kilometres-per-hour on the way past Artur...

Meh.

‘Lampard Is Not My Wife’ – AVB Dismisses Need To Kiss And Make Up With Unhappy Star

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By Alan Duffy


It's pretty apparent that much of AVB's current problems at Chelsea are connected to the Blues' old guard of Lampard, Terry, Cole and Drogba. Arguably, if the Portuguese tactician is to fully implement his plans to move Chelsea forward in his own image, then getting rid of those ageing stars could well be key.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain And Jordan Henderson Face Off In The Keepy-Up Challenge (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Before the England U21 game in midweek and ahead of this weekend's Premier League clash between Liverpool and Arsenal, two talented young bucks went head to head to see who was the king of the keepy-uppy.

On the football pitch this season, it's probably fair to say that Henderson has underachieved for Liverpool while Oxlade-Chamberlain has been a bright spark for the Gunners.

Horror Hats: 30 Photos Of Footballers In Daft Headgear

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By Chris Wright

It's Friday afternoon and you know what that means. It's 'footballers in daft hats' time...

Gary Lineker

Edwin van der Sar

Paul Ince

Brian Clough

Nigel Reo-Coker

Nicklas Bendtner

Dennis Wise and Geoff Thomas

George Best

Peter Beardsley

Zinedine Zidane

Lothar Matthaus

Bobby Moore

Colin Hendry

Ken Bates

Ken Bates (again)

Sir Alex Ferguson

Kevin Keegan

Garth Crooks and Ossie Ardilles

Ryan Giggs

Sir Bobby Charlton

Kenny Dalglish

Steven Gerrard

Sir Bobby Charlton (again)

Mario Balotelli

Gary Lineker (again)

John Motson

Arjen Robben

Ronaldinho

Roy Keane

Roy Keane (again) Since when has 'dressing Roy Keane up against his will and then arming him with an offensive weapon' been a good idea?

Bournemouth Chairman Eddie Mitchell Kicked Off BBC Radio, Charged By FA For Sweary Rant Live On Air (Audio)

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By Chris Wright

Bournemouth chairman Eddie Mitchell has been charged with misconduct by the FA after repeatedly swearing during an appearance on BBC Radio 5 Live's 606 call-in.

The Cherries' chief rowed with presenter Mark 'Chappers' Chapman following last Saturday's 1-0 defeat by MK Dons, after rumours surfaced that Mitchell allowed Bournemouth co-owner Maxim Demin's wife into the dressing room at half-time to talk to the team.

16 Brilliant Photos Of Jack Charlton In His Prime

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By Chris Wright

The news has just reached Pies that Jack Charlton O.B.E. is to undergo hip-replacement surgery today after falling down the stairs at his home and shattering his pelvis last night.

According to his son, John, 76-year-old Charlton had to crawl across the hall on his hands and knees to the phone to ring him, and by the time he arrived his old man was "sitting in his chair watching telly.

Iker Casillas & Andres Iniesta Take To Streets, Ask People For Hugs And Autographs (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While compatriot Pepe Reina is busying himself by starring in insurance commercials of questionable taste and virtue, Spain duo Iker Casillas and Andres Iniesta have starred in an altogether more wholesome advert campaign for La Liga BBVA which sees the pair taking to the streets and act their arses off with a bit of starry-eyed role reversal asking stunned members of the public for autographs, hugs and photographs.

Will Ferrell Interviewed During Mexico vs Colombia, Answers Every Question With ‘Chicharito’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Beware the Autoplay!

Will Ferrell has a new film out called 'Casa de mi Padre' which is set in Mexico and in which he talks Spanish for the duration though it appears Ferrell's grasp of the language may not be quite so fluent in what we have collectively been indoctrinated by the Queen shape-shifting reptile to refer to as 'real life.

The Chance: Pep Guardiola Shows Up At Amateur Football Match, Gives One Lad Shot At Professional Stardom (Video)

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By Chris Wright

As part of Nike's new global 'The Chance 2012′ campaign to sniff out the world's best young amateur players, Pep Guardiola showed up unannounced at a youth game in Spain, casting his beady (beardy?) eye across the talent on show and eventually selecting one lad with godawful hair to advance to the Spanish finals.

Seattle Sounders’ Fredy Montero Scores Impudent Chip vs Jaguares (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just a lovely goal. Nothing more, nothing less The Sounders took on Mexican side Jaguares de Chiapas at CenturyLink Field in their final pre-season tune-up game last night, a match which the MLS side won 2-0 courtesy of a brace from striker Fredy Montero; the second of which was a bit of a beaut.

Robbie Fowler Returns To England, Trains With Blackpool Ahead Of Short-Term Deal

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By Alan Duffy

Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Fowler?

With that much-vaunted Indian Premier League payday postponed for the moment (it was meant to be starting towards the end of the month), that international man of mystery, Robbie Fowler, is back in Blighty and looks set to join Championship side Blackpool until the end of the season.

Adidas Unveil London 2012 Olympic Match Ball – It’s Called ‘The Albert’ And It’s…An Acquired Taste (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

Adidas have just officially launched 'The Albert', i.e, the official matchball to be used at the 2012 London Olympics and it's...erm...different...

Hmmm. It instantly brings to mind the decor in the diner they used to frequent in 'Saved By The Bell'.

WAG Watch: Imogen Thomas Poses Nudey Rudey In Nuts Magazine (Photos)

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By WAG Watcher

Don't look Ethel! Welsh filly Imogen Thomas, the pneumatically-enhanced girl that did that 'thing' with Ryan Giggs that we're still not quite sure if we're supposed to mention, has gone and posed nude on the cover of Nuts magazine telling the boob-centric comic that she 'wants to get her life back on track' after a particularly unpleasant year.

‘England Players Who Didn’t Sing National Anthem Should Be Banned Forever’ – Piers Morgan Bleats On And On And On…

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By Chris Wright

No doubt typed with an ruddy-cheeked, shit-eating WINNING! grin across his hoggish face...

Just go away, you useless gimptard. Better yet, let's have the FA appoint him to lead England into Euro 2012. #piersforEngland.

Of course, we're well aware of the rule re: 'feeding the trolls' but, as the chaps over at The Score have pointed out (go on, click the link it's well worth a read!

Top 10 Footballing Davids

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By Chris Wright

If you weren't aware already, today is St David's Day St David being the patron saint of some magical pixie kingdom called Wales. With that in mind, 'ere's our top ten footballing Davids for you to look at with your faces...

10.

Gambia Keeper Sprinkles Mysterious ‘Magic’ Powder Across Goal Line, Still Drops An Absolute Clanger (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Before his country's Africa Cup of Nations qualifier against Algeria yesterday afternoon, Gambia 'keeper Musa Camara was seen sprinkling mysterious white powder across his goal-line which has since been identified as 'Gri Gri' an African voodoo amulet that is supposed to ward off bad luck and stop stitched leather crossing white paint.

FIFA Open ‘Routine’ Investigation Into Bahrain’s Convenient 10-0 Thrashing Of Indonesia

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By Chris Wright

They even managed to fluff two penalties!

FIFA have confirmed that a 'routine' investigation into Bahrain's convenient tonking over Indonesia side last night, after rumblings of match-fixing and jiggery-pokey began to surface.

Marc Janko Deftly Lobs Keeper With Penis vs Finland (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Austria striker Marc Janko opens the scoring against Finland last night with a deft lob of the 'keeper using nothing other than 'Little Marc' and a whole load of eye-watering ricocheted energy...

"Just put your dick through it lad!

England 2-3 Holland: Robben Dazzles As Dutch Saunter To Victory (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

England welcomed Holland back to Wembley for the first time since Euro '96 last night and were ultimately undone in injury-time by Arjen Robben's deflected winner.

After a fairly flat first half, Robben opened the scoring on the hour flitting through the England midfield before pinging a low shot through Gary Cahill's legs and past Joe Hart from the edge of the area.

XI Conclusions: England 2-3 Holland

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By Chris Wright

1. A well-oiled and largely established Holland side with a smattering of sporadically world class players beat a pedestrian England side with approximately none. Once again, it became very apparent early on last night that England's only means of scoring at Euro 2012 will be set pieces and corners.