Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2011

Wigan Athletic 0-2 Fulham: Unlucky Latics Lose Again (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 0-2 Fulham Premier League October 2011

It's now eight league defeats in a row for Wigan Athletic after Roberto Martinez' side went down 2-0 at home to Fulham.

Despite dominating for large periods of the game, the home side couldn't find a way past Fulham 'keeper Mark Schwarzer, with striker Hugo Rodallega continuing his worrying goul drought.

Swansea City 3-1 Bolton Wanderers: Trotters Stuck In The Mud As Swans Fly High (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Swansea City 3-1 Bolton Wanderers Premier League 29th October 2011

Time must be running out for Bolton boss Owen Coyle after his side slipped to their eighth league defeat in the last nine games. Swansea, on the other hand, are revelling in their maiden Premier League season, and remain unbeaten at home.

Sunderland 2-2 Aston Villa: Sessegnon Saves Sunderland With Late Strike (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 2-2 Aston Villa Premier League 29th October 2011

Aston Villa boss Alex McLeish was left frustrated after watching his side twice throw away a lead, with Sunderland's Stephane Sessegnon ultimately nodding home a late equaliser to give Sunderland a share of the points.

Norwich City 3-3 Blackburn Rovers: Last Minute Pen Robs Kean’s Men Of Vital Victory (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 3-3 Blackburn Rovers Premier League 29th October 2011

Under-pressure Rovers' boss Steve Kean saw his side come within a whisker of securing a hard-fought victory at Carrow Road on Saturday.

Goals from the ever-impressive Junior Hoilett, Yakubu and Chris Samba looked to have given the visitors their first away win of the season.

West Bromwich Albion 0-2 Liverpool: Impressive Reds Take The Bounce Out Of Baggies (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

West Bromwich Albion 0-2 Liverpool Premier League 29th October

Liverpool were by far the better side at the Hawthorns on Saturday with goals from Charlie Adam (via the penalty spot) and Andy Carroll sealing a comfortable win for the visitors.

Manchester City 3-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers: Nervy City Stay Five Points Clear (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester City 3-1 Wolverhampton Wanderers Premier League 29th October 2011


Roberto Mancini's star-studded squad had to dig deep to secure yet another league victory, this time at Molineux.

2-0 up, courtesy of strikes from Bosnian Edin Dzeko and Serb Alexander Kolarov, the Citizens then saw captain Vincent Kompany sent off for a last-man challenge on Kevin Doyle in the box after a shaky-looking Joe Hart had spilled the ball.

Chelsea 3-5 Arsenal: Van Persie Too Good For Blues In Defenceless Derby (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 3-5 Arsenal Premier League 29th October 2011


Yet another bizarre, goal-crazy game between a couple of the Premier League's big guns, this time with a resurgent Arsenal side knocking five past a defensively rubbish Chelsea.

Everton 0-1 Manchester United: Chicharito The Difference As Red Devils Bounce Back (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 0-1 Manchester United Premier League 29th October 2011


A 3-0 mid-week Carling Cup win at Aldershot was never really going to erase the trauma of last week's derby disaster for United, but a hard-fought 1-0 win at Goodison at least keeps the pressure on the Red Devils' noisy neighbours.

Gareth Bale Poses In New British Olympic Football Kit, Welsh FA Not Too Happy About It

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By Chris Wright

Gareth Bale has posed in the new kit that the British football team will be sporting at the Olympics next year as part of an Adidas promo campaign and it's safe to say that the Welsh FA are particularly happy about it.

Their chief exec, Jonathan Ford, told the BBC:

"Gareth can make his own choices and make his own decisions.

Want To See Mark Lawrenson Re-Grow His Mighty Moustache For ‘Movember’? Of Course You Bloody Well Do!

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By Chris Wright

"Jurr Curl's scurred a gurl"

Those good people over at hirsute charity Movember have started a petition to get four 80s sporting heroes and one-time top-lip topiary aficionados namely Nigel Mansell, Barry McGuigan, Ian Botham and Mark Lawrenson to re-grow their resplendent Mo's for charity next month.

Snapshot: Luis Suarez Is Just A Kid In A Candy Store

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By Chris Wright

Made me snort mucus into my cornflakes this morning, thought I'd share...

Happy Saturday everyone!

Image: Reddit

‘Warnock Could Do England Job’ – Harry Redknapp Tips QPR Boss For Three Lions

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By Alan Duffy

Cos every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man

Harry Redknapp, the man most people have been tipping to take over from Fabio Capello as England boss, has himself tipped QPR manager Neil Warnock for the job.

Warnock may not be the most popular man in football, but according to the Mirror, 'Arry thinks he's good enough for the Three Lions.

Mario Balotelli Unveils Personalised ‘Super Mario’ Snood At Man City Training

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By Chris Wright

Not much chance of seeing it on Saturday considering the worldwide ban, but the omnipresent Mario Balotelli sported a rather fetching new personalised snood to Manchester City training today complete with an Italian flag, his initials and a little embroidery of Super Mario's heavily mustachioed face.

Competition: WIN! The Chance For Your Child To Be A McDonald’s Player Escort At Wembley For England vs Sweden

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By Chris Wright

Pies are offering two lucky readers the chance for their children (between the ages of 7 and 11 years old) to become a McDonald's Player Escort and walk out with the England players ahead of their international friendly against Sweden at Wembley Stadium on 15th November.

Shit Lookalikes: Steven Taylor In A Face Mask & Brendan Rodgers

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By Chris Wright

Want to achieve that thick, lustrous, healthy 'Brendan Rodgers' look that all men are striving for this season? Fetch your old school uniform out of the attic, get your see-through protective face mask on and WORK IT GIRLFRIEND...

Want to know what else went on at Newcastle training this afternoon?

Ronaldo Debunks Pre-Game Sex Myth, Warns Us All About Perils Of Pre-Game Masturbation

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By Chris Wright

"BOOYAH!"

It's one of football and sport in general's most widely-regarded idioms that pre-game sex is a no-no as it will tater you out come kick-off, which is, of course, complete tosh.

I put it to you, how can something that lasts less than a minute possibly have a detrimental effect on your stamina levels?

Jay Jay Okocha Pulls Off Insane Trick-Shot With Trace Amounts Of ‘CGI Assistance’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

African stars of yesteryear Jay Jay Okocha, Marcel Desailly, Rigobert Song and Kalusha Bwalya have filmed this little viral for the Guinness Football Challenge, which sees Okocha trump his pals with an almighty trickshot which may or may not (or definitely may) have been CGI assisted in some way.

Spot The Baller: Hans Moleman

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By Chris Wright

The last Spot the Baller was a bit of a wash-out for some reason, so this one's a little more taxing. Let's see how we get on.

Pray tell, can you verily pick out the Spurs player catching a mid-game forty winks behind Hans Moleman's moley little mole face?

Mauro Camoranesi Sees Red For Nasty Tackle, Kicks Prone Opponent In The Face On His Way Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Now aged 35 and winding his career down in Argentina with Lanus, you'll be glad to know that Mauro Camoranesi is still a dirty bastard when it counts i.e, when his opponent's are lying prone on the ground.

During Wednesday night's match against Racing Club, Camoranesi butchered Patricio Toranzo to the turf with a rash, late tackle, was brandished with a red card and then stomped over to finish the job by clouting Toranzo across the face with his size 9′s while the Racing midfielder lay sprawled out on the pitch.

Oldham Mascot Chaddy The Owl Punched In The Face By Own Fan

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By Chris Wright


Owl abuse in football is a serious issue. Only last year did we see a poor, defenseless hooter kicked to death during a game by Deportivo Pereira defender Luis Moreno.

Moreno was fined and given community service in a zoo.

Besiktas’ Simao Sabrosa Scores Absolute Ripper vs Fenerbahce (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas the first Istanbul derby of the season last night, a game which saw the deadlock well and truly shattered in the 12th minute when Besiktas winger Simao Sabrosa wellied a sweetly struck exocet into the top corner from all of 25+ yards...

Clean as a whistle.

Besiktas’ Simao Sabrosa Scores Absolute Ripper vs Fenerbahce (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas the first Istanbul derby of the season last night, a game which saw the deadlock well and truly shattered in the 12th minute when Besiktas winger Simao Sabrosa wellied a sweetly struck exocet into the top corner from all of 25+ yards...

Clean as a whistle.

Kevin-Prince Boateng Sings ‘Happy Birthday’ To Al Jazeera While Robinho Beatboxes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, in celebration of Al Jazeera Sport's 8th anniversary, AC Milan's in-house boyband serenade the Arab station with a little birthday ditty that sees Kevin-Prince Boateng taking on lead vocal duties while Robinho supplies the beat and Thiago Silva and Pato.

BBC’s Conor McNamara Ejected From Goodison Park Live On Air

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By Alan Duffy


The glamour of sports broadcasting: McNamara (left) with Dave Beasant

Desperate to get out of Goodison and back home in time for James May's Man Lab, the Everton security guards had finally had enough of Beeb journo Conor McNamara's witterings and so decided to interrupt his broadcast and tell the Irishman to sling his hook.

Fancy Having Legendary Status At Wembley? £50 Will See You Immortalised On Wembley Way

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By Chris Wright

As your local supermarket is probably keen to remind you every fart's end, it's Christmas in two short months and what what better way to let your nearest and dearest know that they mean the world to you this Yuletide than by buying them a paving slab?

Chelsea Chairman Bruce Buck Wants To “Beat The C**p Out Of Arsenal”

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By Alan Duffy


Bruce Buck gives poor old John Terry a big hug

According to the Guardian, Blues bigwig Bruce Buck, in speaking about the club's failure in their bid to buy back the freehold of Stamford Bridge, went slightly off script in relation to the weekend's big London derby.

Czech Side Bohemians Take Part In Bizarre, Partially Nude Ballet During Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Either referee Drunko McSkunko is hallucinating again, or Czech side Bohemians 1905 actually did put on some kind of strange, partially nude ballet during their training session a couple of days ago...

For those who are now feeling the need to thoroughly wash, ring out and steam-press your eyeballs, here's the official blurb to help clear everything up:

"A naked artist and players of Bohemians 1905 football team will perform on the field on October 22nd, 2011 at the famous Bohemians 1905 stadium in Prague during the 'Bohemians at Bohemka: What Happens When an Artist Misses the Ball' event, part of 16th '4+4 Days in Motion' Performing Arts Festival.

Rapid Vienna’s Christopher Drazan Scores Sweet Volley With Superbly Executed Corner Routine (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Christopher Drazan scores for Rapid Vienne with a peachy left-foot volley against SV Ried after being set-up by a rather impressive little corner routine from two of his teammates, namely Steffen Hofmann and Michael Schimpelsberger...

BOSHCAKES!

League Cup: Wolves 2-5 Man City – Just The Five For City, Sky Blue Juggernaut Rolls On (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Just the five? How disappointing.

Manchester City (or more accurately, their second string) made it 21 goals scored in their last five matches with a 5-2 rollocking of Wolves at Molineux last night easing into the Carling Cup quarters alongside Man Utd, Chelsea, Arsenal, Liverpool, Blackburn, Cardiff and Crystal Palace.

‘Keep Calm And Carry On’ – Arsene Wenger Tells Fans To Keep Believing

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By Alan Duffy


Peter Hill-Wood, Stan Kroenke and Stan Kroenke's hair take their seats at the Emirates

Silent Stan Kroenke finally spoke to Arsenal's shareholders at the club's annual AGM in London today. The US billionaire said: "(Arsenal)Â has tremendous management at the top, a wonderful manager on the pitch who makes great decisions in regard to personnel, and a tremendous following with the supporters.

League Cup: Blackburn 4-3 Newcastle (AET) – Guthrie & Cabaye Score Consolation Stunners As Toon Pipped At The Death (Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

A 120th-minute Gael Givet header saw Blackburn pip Newcastle at the death of the death to nab themselves a spot in the Carling Cup's last eight at Ewood Park last night though, if it's any consolation (it's not), the Toon did score the two best goals of the night in Danny Guthrie's low, 25-yard zinger (2:18 mark) and Yohan Cabaye's picture perfect free-kick (2:29).

League Cup: Everton 1-2 Chelsea (AET) – Andre Villas-Boas Premieres Terrifying Halloween Face (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"Trick or treeeeat!?!"

After 120 absorbing minutes, two red cards, two botched penalties, one incredibly serendipitous goal-line clearance and a truly crap goalkeeping howler, Chelsea eventually saw off Everton thanks to Daniel Sturridge's 116th-minute winner (that's five goals from seven shots on-target for Sturridge so far this season) to end the night with a spot in the Carling Cup quarters.

Mad Mario Balotelli Gets The Insane Taiwanese Viral Animation Treatment (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


You know you've arrived as a major global star when you get the infamous Taiwanese viral animation treatment.

The ubiquitous Mario Balotelli is the latest star to feature in these bizarre videos produced by NMA.tv, after enjoying a few weeks of fabulous football, fireworks and frivolity.

Paris Saint-Germain Order 20,000 David Beckham Shirts, Y’Know? Just In Case

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By Chris Wright

Though he'll almost definitely be joining for the football, Paris Saint-Germain have jumped the gun slightly and ordered 20,000 David Beckhamâ„¢ shirts just in case David Beckhamâ„¢ should join them when his contract at LA Galaxy dwindles in November.

Sky Sports Beauty Hayley McQueen Invents Fictitious Team, Provides Us With Excuse To Ogle Hayley McQueen (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which delectable Sky Sports News anchor Hayley McQueen invents herself a brand new club while reporting on the managerial vacancy over at 'Tottenham Forest' (someone give Alan Curbishley a call), thus providing us with a tenuous excuse to ogle her for eight glorious seconds.

Snapshot: Roberto Mancini Shares His Fruit Pastilles Like A Good Boy

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By Chris Wright

"Fruit Pastilles? Yay! Thanks Mum!"

"Baggsy the green ones!"

Snapshot: Roberto Mancini Shares His Fruit Pastilles Like A Good Boy

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By Chris Wright

"Fruit Pastilles? Yay! Thanks Mum!"

"Baggsy the green ones!"

League Cup: Stoke 1-2 Liverpool – You Need To See This Luis Suarez Goal, It’s Bloody Magnificent (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

'Twas a damn fine effort Sir!

A second-half double from a fizzing Luis Suarez was enough to see Liverpool into the quarter-finals of the Carling Cup at the Britannia last night, after Kenwyne Jones had put Stoke one up a minute before half-time with a neat near-post diving header.

Moldovan Player Lamps Referee With Brutal Punch, Retires From Football (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which 35-year old Sfintul Gheorge veteran Julian Bursuc goes out with a bang against Iskra Stal in the Moldovan top flight, quite literally in fact by smacking the referee one across the chops with a brutal right-hook during an altercation on the touchline, before promptly announcing his retirement from the game altogether.

Graham Taylor Unveils The Sho’ot – The New (And Quite Possibly Fake) Football Boot For Managers

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By Chris Wright

I'm pretty sure that someone in an ad department somewhere is pulling my pudding, but it says here that Graham Taylor has helped design and model The Sho'ot (shoe-oot) a hybrid football boot/studded leather brogue produced to help stop managers slipping over on the touchline.

WAG Watch: Sarah Brandner All Smouldering, Scantily Clad And Sexy For GQ

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By WAG Watcher

Move along, nothing to see here nothing at all except a scantily-clad Sarah Brandner looking all kinds of gorgeous in the June issue of GQ. We know we're a little late, but trust us, it was worth the wait.

A doff of the cap to Bastian Schweinsteiger, for he truly hath one scorching hot, angel-faced filly (the first two photos are from the GQ shoot, the rest are all gravy!

Dog Runs On To Pitch During Copa Sudamericana Match, Taunts Players And Officials With Canine Impudence (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


Ah that perennially heart-warming animal-on-a-football-pitch story!

Well, here's the latest to put a simpering smile on your face. During a Copa Sudamericana game between Santa Fé and Botafogo, a canine whippersnapper decided to indulge in a bit of player and official baiting.

League Cup: Arsenal 2-1 Bolton – Park Chu-Young Settles It With A Curling Pearler (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Two second-half goals in the space of two second-half minutes were enough to seal a come-from-behind victory for Arsenal against Bolton last night, thus booking the Gunners a berth in the last eight of the Carling Cup.

Fabrice Muamba opened the scoring for Bolton against his former club shortly after the interval, nabbing the ball off Emmanuel Frimpong, playing a elongated one-two with Darren Pratley and sliding in to smash the ball into the roof of the net.

Sir Alex Is Just The Ticket: Fergie Named In Touts’ Trial

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By Alan Duffy


A Carling Cup win against Aldershot won't have done too much to erase the memory of the 6-1 derby mauling for Sir Alex Ferguson, but now the United boss has had another bit of unfortunate news.

At Trafford magistrates court, it emerged that four men accused of ticket touting outside Old Trafford had, in their possession, 16 tickets bearing the name of Sir Alex Ferguson.

League Cup: Aldershot 0-3 Man Utd – Berba, Micky & Park Do The Business For United (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright


With most of the players involved in the derby-day pasting at the weekend given the night off, Manchester United wafted through to the quarter finals of the Carling Cup with a 3-0 victory over League Two side Aldershot at the Recreation Ground last night with Dimitar Berbatov, Michael Owen and Park Ji-Sung doing the honours for United.

Snapshot: The BBC Didn’t Rate Aldershot’s Performance Against Man Utd Very Highly

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By Chris Wright

We'll have photos and highlights up shortly so you can judge for yourself, but we can't help but feel that the BBC's cutting appraisal of Aldershot's performance against Manchester United is a tad on the harsh side...

Typos can be so cruel.

[Image: @Cluff_Duff]

Carlos Tevez To Consider Suing Roberto Mancini For ‘Defamation Of Character’ – What Character?

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By Chris Wright

After a fortnight of ridiculous palaver, Man City announced last night that Carlos Tevez had been found guilty on five separate counts of breaching his contract on that fateful night in Munich and duly fined the Argentinian striker four week's wages for the dubious crime of 'refusing to warm up' against Bayern.

Spartak Moscow Boss Valeri Karpin Carjacked, £4,000 Nicked

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By Alan Duffy


Following on from yesterday's news about  the arrest of former French international Tony Vareilles on suspicion of attempted murder, we  have another crime-related Euro football tale (featuring another man with dodgy hair).

Snapshot: Tesco Introduce Cheeky Man Utd/Man City Cake Price Drop

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By Chris Wright

Do you see what they've done there?

Image: Twimg

Mario Balotelli Answers Fans’ Questions – Enjoys Muay Thai, Chilling In Swimming Pools & Firework Safety (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Good to see that young Mario is taking his new role as Man City's in-house Fireworks Safety Officer so seriously...

Video: City TV

‘Mindless Idiots’ – Mick McCarthy Hits Out At Wolves Fans Calling For His Resignation

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By Alan Duffy


A prime exponent of that northern penchant for speaking bluntly, Wolves boss Mick McCarthy has decided to have a pop at the fans who were calling for him to be given the boot at half-time in Saturday's game against Swansea.

‘There Are Worse Things To Complain About’ – Daily Mail Tackle Racism Issue, Tell Black Players To Put Up With It

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By Alan Duffy


Whether or not John Terry is guilty of racially abusing Anton Ferdinand, the issue of racism is still present in football, albeit at a thankfully far lower level (in the UK) than in years gone by.

Now the Daily Mail, purveyor of "common sense", has waded into the debate, courtesy of a piece by Steve Doughty.

Daily Mail Tackles Racism Issue, Black Players Should “Just Put Up With It And Get On With The Game”

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By Alan Duffy


Whether or not John Terry is guilty of racially abusing Anton Ferdinand, the issue of racism is still present in football, albeit at a thankfully far lower level (in the UK) than in years gone by.

Now the Daily Mail, purveyor of "common sense", has waded into the debate, courtesy of a piece by Steve Doughty.

Game Review: Football Manager 2012 – Say Goodbye To Everyone And Everything You Hold Near And Dear

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By Nathan Hildred


In the past few years, the long-running Football Manager series has been more revolutionary than evolutionary. We've seen the advent of the 3D match engine, touchline shouts and Match Analysis that would make even the blokes over at Opta sweat.

Looking for a gift with a difference?

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Buying gifts for men can be a tricky thing to get just right. If you believe the conventional and possibly comedic thinking, then you might decide to stick to practical things like DIY trinkets. However, you might feel that is lacking a bit in imagination and stereotypical to say the least.

Former French International Tony Vareilles Arrested, Accused Of Attempted Murder

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By Alan Duffy


Vairelles in happier, more mullety times

Famed for both his goals and his uber-mullet, 38-year-old striker Tony Vareilles has been arrested on suspicion of attempted murder.

Apparently the former Lens star, who has eight caps to his name, was one of a group of men who attacked bouncers after being ejected from a nightclub in Nancy on Sunday.

Snapshot: Iker Casillas Late For Training Due To Traffic Jam, Takes Photo As Proof, Still Fined By Jose Mourinho

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By Chris Wright

Picture the scene: You're Iker Casillas, your beard is marvellous. Being the saint you are, you leave the house in good time to make it to training on time when a wild traffic jam appears on the motorway...

Being the diligent, honest soul you are, you take a photograph as proof of your vehicular malaise and send it to your manager as proof of your predicament, along with an apology for your imminent tardy arrival .

18 Sopping Wet Photos Of Football In Torrential Rain

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By Chris Wright

For no other reason than that it's currently stair-rodding it down outside my window, here's an 18-strong photographic agglomeration of football being played out in the driving rain...

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 18

Scotland's Phil Bardsley gets a soaking as he heads the ball clear against Denmark at Hampden Park, 2011

Suggested further viewing for fans of adverse weather.

Former French International Tony Vareilles Arrested, Accused Of Murder

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By Alan Duffy


Vairelles in happier, more mulleted times

Famed for both his goals and his uber-mullet, 38-year-old striker Tony Vareilles has been arrested on suspicion of attempted murder.

Apparently the former Lens star, who has eight caps to his name, was one of a group of men who attacked bouncers after being ejected from a nightclub in Nancy on Sunday.

Brazilian Futsal Legend Falcao Scores Injury-Time Winner With His Left Nipple (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've already seen a player notch with his crotch today, so bona fide Brazilian futsal legend Falcao's injury-time goal against Russia in the Grand Prix final continues the theme nicely in so far as the tricky-dicky 34-year old veteran scored the late winner with his left breasticle to secure a 2-1 victory at the death and, by extension, that Brazil lifted the trophy on home soil.

Wayne Rooney Invites Man City Players To 26th Birthday Hours After Derby Spanking, Doesn’t Invite Nani

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By Chris Wright

Mere hours after some kind of sick swan ran amok at Old Trafford, a rather glum-looking Wayne Rooney celebrated his 26th birthday at Wings restaurant in Manchester with guests including friends, relatives, colleagues and several of the chaps that had just tarred and feathered his arse in the Manchester derby namely Joe Hart and Gareth Barry.

Football GIF: Wolves Fan In Marvellous Koala Hat Starts Crying When Her Side Go Two Goals Behind vs Swansea

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By Chris Wright

I've been searching for this little gem since spotting it on MOTD on Saturday night, in which we see a dewy-eyed Wolves fan (in a rather splendid Koala bear hat) bursting into tears after seeing her side go two goals down to Swansea after about half-an-hour.

Heerenveen Player With Fitting Name Scores From 18 Yards With His ‘Gentleman Sausage’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Yes, you read that correctly.

Belgian midfielder Sven Kums (fnarf fnarf!) opened the scoring for Heerenveen in their 4-1 away win over Utrecht by cannoning one in from the edge of the area with his mutton truncheon...

That name again, Sven Kums.

Incredibly Drunk Czech Referee Sends Off Three Players ‘For No Apparent Reason’

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By Chris Wright

This here is Tomas Fidra. He's a referee. He's also a card-carrying, paint-on-the-shirt, smells-like-a-tramp's-beard piss artist.

Indeed, Czech police were forced to breathalyse Fidra after he showed up to the regional match between Jestrabi Lhota and Tynec-nad-Labem 'smelling like a brewery' and 'unable to stand up straight' before duly sending off three players for no apparent reason and spending most of the match sprawling on the floor.

Mario Balotelli Nonchalantly Hits Camera Without Looking At Man City Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Did he mean it?

By Jove, I think he meant it.

Via CityTV

Mario Balotelli Signs On As Man City’s Official Fireworks Safety Ambassador

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By Chris Wright

It's so ironic, it simply must be fattening!

As we creep toward Bonfire Night and stupid children start dreaming about doing stupid things with over-the-counter explosives, Man City have started a club campaign called TREACLE to promote firework safety this November and who better to front that campaign than a man who nearly lost everything (on his towel rack) at the weekend in a fireworks-related house fire?

Robbie Savage Breaks His Nose On Strictly Come Dancing (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

The former Leicester City hardman has managed to keep himself in the public eye courtesy of some ropey punditry and a spell on the Beeb's Strictly Come Dancing show.

However, on Strictly at the weekend, the blonde media node made a right eejit of himself (again) when a naff kissing of the camera move earned him a broken nose.

Worst Miss Of The Weekend: Bobby Zamora Or Nicolas Anelka? (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

What a weekend of football that was! But before we turn attention to the action this midweek (and beyond), it's time to decide on the worst miss of the weekend.

Here are two contenders...

1. Bobby Zamora v Everton

Not long after this howler the Toffees went up the other end and scored a couple of goals, making the miss all the more painful for Fulham fans, players and one Bobby Zamora in particular.

Snapshot: Noel Gallagher Taunts Manchester United At Q Awards

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By Alan Duffy

Noel Gallagher has had a good few days watching his beloved Citizens smash United, see his solo album top the UK charts and to top it all off, receive a Q Icon award at the music magazine's awards bash in London.

Not content with all that, the cheeky chappie proceeded to rub salt into United fans' festering wound by giving them a six-fingered salute.

Cheeky QPR Fan Nips In To Call Branislav Ivanovic A ‘Tosser’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

I know it's incredibly moronic, but I just can't stop laughing at this little clip in which a QPR fan seizes his opportunity to nip in and yell in Branislav Ivanovic's face with gusto.

Wait for it, waaaaait for it and...TOSSAH!

In and out like a Cockney insult ninja, though I think we all know who the real tosser is here.

Joe Cole Scores His Second Lille Goal vs Lyon, Celebrates With Union Jack (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Granted, we're only seeing dribs and drabs, but it seems like Joe Cole is doing alright for himself over in Northern France indeed, the Cockney sparra managed to rack up his second goal in Lille colours during their 3-1 victory over Lyon on Sunday evening, sliding in to score and celebrating by hoisting a conveniently placed Union Jack.

Shit Lookalike: Adel Taarabt & ‘Po’ From Teletubbies

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By Chris Wright

Adel Taarabt showed up to QPR training t'other day in a red romper suit which gave him the unfortunate air of a certain someone...

Courtesy of @joey7barton

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.

Caption This: Roberto Mancini’s Epic Smug Face

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By Chris Wright

Consider this your chance to get all the Manchester derby jokes out of your system...

Pies says: "Hello? Sir Alex? Did you know...that Arsenal have...pfftch...one-six of their last seven games?

Horror Hair: Hulk Unveils Gaudy New Dye-Job, Scores Exquisite Chip vs Nacional

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By Chris Wright

Porto tonked Nacional Madeira 5-0 at a rain-sodden Dragao last night, with Hulk notching a superb chipped effort to round-out the scoring and send his side back to the top of the league though the real talking point was the debut of the Brazilian's eye-catching new dye-job, a shade of a yellow referred to as 'First Piss of the Morning' on the Dulux colour chart.

Did John Terry Racially Abuse Anton Ferdinand? (Video)

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By Chris Wright

He's already released a statement denying it, but John Terry is still getting flack from all corners this morning after the following video set the internet's bathroom curtains ablaze last night, in which the Chelsea shitbag appears to call QPR's Anton Ferdinand a 'f**king black c**t, f**king knobhead'.

Bolton Wanderers 0-2 Sunderland: This Mortal Coyle No Match For Bruce’s Black Cats (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Bolton Wanderers 0-2 Sunderland Premier League 22 October 2011

Goals from Stephane Sessegnon and Nicklas Bendtner gave Sunderland their first way win of the season and consigned Owen Coyle's sorry Bolton side to yet another defeat.

Wolverhampton Wanderers 2-2 Swansea City: Late Show Eases Pressure On McCarthy (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Wolverhampton Wanderers 2-2 Swansea City Premier League 22 October 2011

A game of two halves this was, with the Swans thoroughly deserving a 2-0 half-time lead courtesy of goals from Danny Graham and Joe Allen.

However, a half-time booing from the home fans seemed to do the trick for Wolves, who launched a superb fightback after the break, with Kevin Doyle and Jamie O'Hara eventually salvaging a point and ending a dismal run of five straight league defeats.

Football GIF: David Silva’s Defence-Splitting Pass For Edin Dzeko’s Second Goal vs Man Utd

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By Chris Wright

Would you just look at that pass? Heavenly...

Just wish this GIF also showed Silva's sumptuous little juggle to pull the ball down out of the air a split-second earlier.

This way to see the goal in all it's glory.

Snapshot: Gary Neville’s Face

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By Chris Wright

If a picture speaks a thousand words, then let me present my 1,000-word Manchester Derby match report...

Man Utd 1-6 Man City: Old Trafford Demolition Job Sees City Go Five Points Clear At The Top (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

The noisy neighbours have double-parked outside, kicked the front door off it's hinges and taken a huge dump in the kettle.

Manchester City have just finished doling out United's heaviest home defeat since 1955, slapping six past their bitter rivals at Old Trafford (the first time anyone's scored six at OT in the top flight since Huddersfield Town in 1930) thanks to goals from Mario Balotelli (2), Sergio Aguero, Edin Dzeko (2) and the superb David Silva.

Mario Balotelli Forced To Escape House Fire After Setting His Bathroom Ablaze With Fireworks

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By Chris Wright

That's right another week, another 'Mario Balotelli nearly kills himself/someone else' story.

Apparently Balotelli and four of his dumbest friends were forced to bid a hasty escape from his house in the wee small hours of Saturday morning after a perfectly harmless game of 'let's light fireworks in the bathroom' went catastrophically awry.

Auchinleck Talbot ‘Keeper Andy Leishman Scores From His Own Penalty Area vs Threave Rovers (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Chances are you weren't keeping track of the second round of the William Hill Scottish Cup yesterday, but Auchinleck Talbot thrashed Threave Rovers 8-1 a pasting that was so comprehensive even Talbot's goalkeeper Andy Leishman got his name on the scoresheet, from all of 90 yards.

Cristiano Ronaldo Scores Acrobatic ‘Karate Kick’ Volley vs Malaga (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Coming into the match on the back of a three-game goalless run, Cristiano Ronaldo emphatically hauled himself back onto the goal trail by scoring his third league hat-trick of the season during Real Madrid's 4-0 routing of Malaga yesterday the third of which was something a little bit out of the ordinary.

Aston Villa 1-2 West Bromwich Albion: Baggies Bounce Up The Table (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 1-2 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 22 October 2011

They may have benefited from an extremely harsh red card given to Villa's Chris Herd for a rather innocuous-looking tangle with Martin Olsson, but West Brom fully deserved their victory against their local rivals.

Newcastle United 1-0 Wigan Athletic: French Connection Keeps Magpies Flying (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Easily one of the best buys of the summer, midfielder Yohan Cabaye was the difference between the two sides in a tight game at St James' Park.

The French international rifled home on 81 minutes after a Sylvain Marveaux pull-back. However, Wigan will feel more than a little hard done by after putting an impressive display that will give the Premier League strugglers some hope for the future.

Liverpool 1-1 Norwich City: Canaries Enjoy A Ruddy Good Game (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich 'keeper John Ruddy will have done his England prospects no harm at all with a man of the match performance at Anfield on Saturday. The 24-year0ld kept the visitors in the game, both early on and at the death to earn Paul Lambert's side a superb point.

Snapshot: Manchester Pub Prepares For Derby, Welcomes Only Citizens

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By Alan Duffy

At least the owners are honest about where their allegiances lie...

Via @BlueMoonRising

Basketball Superstar LeBron James Hands Out Gifts To The Liverpool Squad (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


As well as being a basketballing superhero, James is also a shareholder at Liverpool, but his Santa Claus act is slightly weird. And why didn't he ask any of the players to sit on his knee?

45-Year Old Steve Claridge Comes Out Of Retirement, Signs For Gosport Borough

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By Chris Wright

"For me, Manish, the guy's too old to be effective at this level"

The Beeb are reporting this afternoon that mumbly pundit and Football League hipster (the Premier League is soooo mainstream) has come out of retirement at the grand old age of 45 to sign on as a player and coach for Evo-Stik League Southern Division One South & West side Gosport Borough his 25th contract in a meandering pro career that both began and ended at Bournemouth (1984-2006), with a smattering of non-league appearances and managerial posts thereafter.

Football WAG Index: Victoria Saravia Is Diego Forlan’s Smoking Hot WAG – Is Not, Repeat NOT, A ‘Boothanger’

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By WAG Watcher

Submitted for your Friday afternoon delectation, Diego Forlan's significant other the lovely miss Victoria Saravia who is, as you've probably guessed, a Uruguayan model...

(Warning: it all gets a little NSFW-y toward the end)

â—„ Back Next â–º Picture 1 of 10

Apparently, when asked if she intentionally sought out footballers (she has previously dated Forlan's former international teammate Carlos Bueno), Victoria replied that she wasn't a 'boothanger'.

Snapshot: ‘Little Ball Of Sad’ Lionel Messi Faces The Press

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By Chris Wright

A day in the life...

Via Invent Football

Things That Cannot Be Unseen: Ryan Giggs Is David Silva’s Dad?

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By Chris Wright

We're going to forego the urge to follow the potential libelous 'shagging around' route of quippery, and merely suggest that it seems the loyalties may be split in the Silva household come this time Sunday afternoon...

We'd like to thank the Daily Mail for bringing this one to our attention.

Shit Lookalikes: David Silva’s Dad & Ryan Giggs

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By Chris Wright

Seems like loyalties may be split in the Silva household come Sunday afternoon...

We'd like to thank the Daily Mail for bringing this one to our attention.

Roman Pavlyuchenko Scores Thumping 20-Yard Free-Kick vs Rubin Kazan (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Once in a while, Pav does something really quite impressive and last night happened to be one of those nights with the Russian hardly-e'er-do-well lashing in a thunderous free-kick into the top corner (via the underside of the bar) from 20 yards to secure Spurs a narrow 1-0 victory over Rubin Kazan at the Lane that lifted them to the summit of Group A.

Celtic’s Cha Du-Ri Calmly Slots Home Effortless Own-Goal vs Rennes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Celtic right-back Cha Du-Ri slots an effortless finish past Celtic 'keeper Fraser Forster from the edge of the Celtic box to hand Rennes the lead against Celtic...

It may just be my tired eyes playing tricks on me, but would anyone else be willing to have a shiny ha'penny on Forster being able to catch the trundling ball up if he tried running after it?

Top 15 Europa League Photos: Crying, Concussion, Somersaults And Gurning Aplenty

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By Chris Wright

Pies' pick of the 15 best photos from last night's Europa League action...

Lokomotiv Moscow's Felipe Caicedo celebrates his injury time goal against AEK Athens as he passes AEK keeper Giannis Arabatzis

The Britannia Stadium sits empty an hour or so before Stoke City kicked off against Maccabi Tel Aviv

Besiktas' Filip Holosko and Dynamo Kiev's Betao gurn away while tussling in the air over Kiev

Birmingham fans decorate the square in the centre of Bruges before kick-off

Standard Liege's Yoni Buyens almost has his face pummelled by Vorskla Poltava goalkeeper Serhiy Dolganskiy

Club Brugge 'keeper Colin Cooseman celebrates his side's early lead against Birmingham, though it didn't last with Brum eventually winning it 2-1 in the 9th minute of injury time

Kenwyne Jones celebrates in customary style after scoring the opening goal for Stoke against Maccabi Tel Aviv

Legia Warszawa's Maciej Rybus gets crumpled in a pile-up with Rapid Bucharest duo Rui Duarte and 'keeper Danut Coman

Tottenham's Danny Rose is fouled on the edge of the box by Rubin Kazan captain Roman Sharonov.

Gervasio Nunez Is A Dirty, Cheating Rat That Should Be Locked Up In Stocks Outside Craven Cottage And Spat Upon Freely (Video)

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By Chris Wright

RAT!

He's probably not the worst, he's definitely not the first and he sure as excreta won't be the last, but Wisla Krakow's Gervasio Nunez showed his true rat colours in getting Moussa Dembele sent-off in the Europa League last night.

Was Stoke’s Red-Happy Europa League Referee Actually Howard Webb’s Evil Twin Brother?

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By Chris Wright

Suddenly Cameron Jerome's nonsensical red card against Maccabi Tel Aviv last night makes sense...

We put it to you that Anastassios Kakos is in fact the evil twin brother of our beloved Howard Webb (everybody knows the evil twin always grows a convenient 'Ming the Merciless' goatee so as to avoid confusion) and has vowed to wreak his terrible vengeance on the world one naff striker at a time after being kicked out of the Magic Circle for several 'rabbit-related misdemeanours'.

Maccabi Tel Aviv’s Yoav Ziv Sent-Off For Kicking His Own Boot At Linesman (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After Stoke's Cameron Jerome had been ejected for the heinous crime of being caught in possession of Class A elbows, the second red card of the night was a little more cut-and-dry, with Maccabi's Yoav Ziv (the very same little scheister that feigned injury to get Jerome dismissed) getting himself sent-off for hoofing his own boot at the linesman.

David Luiz Gives Fernando Torres Shamanic Blessing Before Genk Rout (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Looks like Fernando Torres received a little 'outside assistance' while sticking away his first two Champions League goals for Chelsea against Genk last night, courtesy of the Blues' in-house Brazilian witchdoctor David Luiz...

"Ooh ee, ooh ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang.

Both Man Utd And City Fans Urged To ‘Trash Their Tevez Shirts’ In Return For Brand New Replicas

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By Chris Wright

Brought together by a common hatred, both Manchester United and Manchester City fans are being urged to ditch their Carlos Tevez replica shirts into a skip ahead of this weekend's Manc derby as part of Betfair's 'Trash Your Tevez' jersey recycling campaign.

Joe Hart Stakes His Claim To Play Up Front For City In Manchester Derby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Looks like Man City can even add their sodding keeper's name to the long list of attacking talent at their disposal for Sunday's Manchester derby...

Via City TV

Shit Lookalikes: A Female Neymar, Ronaldinho and Messi

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By Alan Duffy

These are rather better than "shit", I think.

Photos via @binhaf


Snapshot: Presenting Team GB’s Football Coaches For London 2012 Olympics

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By Chris Wright

"Err, Stuart...you've got a bit of a 'tuft' situation going on up top pal"

It's been announced this morning that England U21 coach Stuart Pearce and England Women's manager Hope Powell will be jointly charged with leading the Great British football team (should it ever actually come into existence) at the London 2012 Olympic games.

Kevin-Prince Boateng Scores Howitzer As Milan Master BATE, Tiziano Crudeli Almost Bursts (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You may be unsurprised to find out that at the moment that Milan midfielder Kevin-Prince Boateng did this against BATE Borisov last night...

...Tiziano Crudeli immediately exploded into a fully-fledged delirious sobbing/yelling fit, did a little wee on his chair and then almost burst into fleshy tatters at the beauty of it all.

Veteran Colombian Keeper To Retire, Scores With A Header Whilst Wearing A Baseball Cap (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


Miguel Calero, the 40-year-old goalkeeper who currently plies his trade with Pachuca in the Mexican league, is set to retire this weekend after a long and eventful career.

The 6'3″ goalie appeared for Colombia in the 1998 World Cup Finals and won numerous club titles in his time in Mexico, despite being a less than reliable performer between the posts.

Retro Football: The First Manchester United vs Arsenal ‘Battle Of Old Trafford’, 1990 (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


Back on this day in 1990, Manchester United and Arsenal clashed at Old Trafford in a game which would  sow the seeds of much thuggery between the two clubs in the years to follow.

Nigel "Nutty" Winterburn tackled Brian McClair, who then kicked seven shades of s**t out of the Arsenal left-back.

Andres Iniesta’s Exquisite Opening Goal vs Viktoria Plzen (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Would you just have a butcher's at Andres Iniesta's opening goal in their 2-0 win over Viktoria Plzen last night? Depressingly, it's just the latest in Barcelona's ever-lengthening canon of exquisitely effortless team goals...

While we're on the subject, here's Lionel Messi's 'ball on a string' cabaret act from the same game thrown in for good measure.

Marseille 0-1 Arsenal: Ramsey Pops Up And Pinches It At The Gong (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Mathieu Valbuena's getting too old for this merde

Speaking as a partially-inebriated neutral, Arsenal's narrow victory over Marseille at the Stade Velodrome wasn't in the politest terms possible very easy on either the eye or the frontal lobes.

Chelsea 5-0 KRC Genk: Blues Batter Belgians At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea saw their 24-matches-without-losing-at-home-in-the-Champions-League-group-stage streak (dating back to 2003) rumble over to 25 last night, with a comprehensive and routine battering of Belgian club Genk at Stamford Bridge.

The domestically-banned Fernando Torres kept his eye in with a brace, with a goal-a-piece from Raul Meireles, Branislav Ivanovic and Salomon Kalou fleshing out the rout on what proved to be a pretty easy night's work for the boys in blue.

Chelsea 5-0 KRC Genk: Blues Batter Belgians At The Bridge (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Chelsea saw their 24-matches-without-losing-at-home-in-the-Champions-League-group-stage streak (dating back to 2003) rumble over to 25 last night, with a comprehensive and routine battering of Belgian club Genk at Stamford Bridge.

The domestically-banned Fernando Torres kept his eye in with a brace, with a goal-a-piece from Raul Meireles, Branislav Ivanovic and Salomon Kalou fleshing out the rout on what proved to be a pretty easy night's work for the boys in blue.

Shit Lookalikes: Comedy Swimmer David Walliams & Chunky French Striker André-Pierre Gignac

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By Alan Duffy

Both fine figures of men (i.e. rather big-boned), former Little Britain star David Walliams has recently swam up the Thames while he also swam the Channel to France, where André-Pierre Gignac lives and plays football (seamless link). The French forward  came on as a sub in Marseille's Wednesday night Champions League defeat at the hands of Arsenal.

Arsenal’s Thomas Vermaelen Signs New Contract, Keeps Old Car

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By Alan Duffy


Metro's art department obviously spent a long time seamlessly superimposing Vermaelen's head onto the photograph of the car

Photo: Metro

Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger has recently revealed that "half the dressing room" wanted to leave Arsenal in the summer.

Lille’s Aurelien Chedjou Apparently Shot Through The Cheek By Sniper vs Inter Milan (Video)

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By Chris Wright

The elusive invisible footballing sniper claimed yet another victim last when, during the Lille-Inter game, he pulled the trigger and fired a searing shot straight through Aurelien Chedjou's cheek a shot which was perfectly synced up with Giampaolo Pazzini's arm wafting into the French defender's face as the pair tussled next to the touchline microphones.

Stoke Train In The Rain Ahead Of Maccabi Tel Aviv Clash, Crouch’s Spindly Legs Crack Tony Pulis Up (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A few photos of Stoke training in the rain at the club's Clayton Woods complex ahead of their Europa League tie with Maccabi Tel Aviv at the Britannia tomorrow evening...

"Have you seen Crouchie's legs?

Charlie Adam vs Andy Carroll: The Dramatic Charity Bake-Off (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Liverpool duo Charlie Adam and Andy Carroll go head-to-head and get (a little too invested in...) a charity bake-off at Melwood in aid of 'Bake A Difference' campaign the latest fund-raising campaign from long-standing kiddywinks show Blue Peter.

Glowing FIFA 12 Tribute To Emile ‘The Powerhouse’ Heskey (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's a FIFA 12 parody video people, and very droll it is too...

Video: SA

Snapshot: Man City’s ‘Blue Moon’ Tifo Display May Have Backfired Somewhat

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By Chris Wright

"Dzeko's been purr tonight, very purr. Which reminds me, I hate kittens..."

Anyone who happened to listen to BBC Radio Five Live's coverage of Man City's clash against Villarreal will have probably turned off (as I did) around about the point that their insufferable, jowly curmudgeon-in-chief Alan Green added 'orchestrated fan displays' to the long, long list of piffling things he 'really hates' about football which came about five minutes before kick-off (a couple of minutes after he'd already taken the time to add the City fans themselves for having the temerity not to fill the completely fill the stadium on a Tuesday night).

Olympiakos Defender Yelled At For Diving, Pulls Opponent’s Shorts Down (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Olympiakos defender Francois Modesto is vehemently accused (quite rightly) of feigning an injury by AEK centre-half Cala and duly responds by kegging his opponent right then and there in the middle of the pitch simple yet devastatingly effective.

Otelul Galati 0-2 Man Utd: Rooney To The Rescue With Second-Half Spot-Kick Salvo (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Wayne Rooney became the highest scoring Englishman in Champions League history after sticking away a brace of penalties (Rooney now has 26, having stood level with Paul Scholes on 24) as Manchester United chalked up their first European victory of the season with a bitty 2-0 win over also-rans Otelul Galati in Romania last night.

Man City 2-1 Villarreal: Aguero Pounces At The Death, ‘Lucky’ City Escape With First Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Bob Mancini was the first to admit that Man City were 'lucky' to register their first ever Champions League victory over Villarreal yesterday evening, with substitute Sergio Aguero's 94th minute goal plundering a come-from-behind win over the Spaniards at the death thus snaring a vital three-point haul that puts City back in the running to emerge from Group A, despite things looking a little bleak as the clock ticked over to '93:00′ at the Etihad last night.

Man City 2-1 Villarreal: Aguero Pounces At The Death, ‘Lucky’ City Escape With First Win (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Bob Mancini was the first to admit that Man City were 'lucky' to register their first ever Champions League victory over Villarreal yesterday evening, with substitute Sergio Aguero's 94th minute goal plundering a come-from-behind win over the Spaniards at the death thus snaring a vital three-point haul that puts City back in the running to emerge from Group A, despite things looking a little bleak as the clock ticked over to '93:00′ at the Etihad last night.

Historians Discover That Scottish Football Is 500 Years Old, Only Two Teams Were Any Good Back Then As Well

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By Alan Duffy

An original illustration of crowd trouble outside Ibrox before Ye Olde Firm Derby of 1501

The good old Beeb report that, according to recently discovered documents from the court of King James IV, orgainsed football was being played north of the border as long ago as 1497.

Wolves Fans Film Themselves Urinating On The West Brom Pitch (Video)

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By Chris Wright

File this under 'Football Fans Are Ridiculous, Tribal Arseholes #3,000,001′.

A pair of giggling, shit-grinned Wolves fans have posted a Youtube video called 'Pissing on your Pitch', which and you may have guessed by now sees them sneaking onto the pitch at the Hawthorns after Saturday's match against West Brom and taking a leak in the centre-circle.

Snapshot: Well, This Is Awkward…

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By Chris Wright

Sorry for barging in like that, we'll leave you two alone...

Thanks to Pies fan Mal for the nudge.

Scrapping Premier League Relegation: Do You Want Yankball? Because That’s What You’ll Get!

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By Chris Wright

Are these two guilty of fowl play?

As you've no doubt heard, according to the head of the League Managers Association, a few of the Premier League's foreign owners have been agitating for the concept of relegation from the top flight to be scrapped in favour of an uber-conservative system that keeps all 20 clubs (though which 20 that would be is anybody's guess) and their respective bank accounts safe and sound snug as a bug in a proverbial rug.

ESPN’s Augmented Reality Analysis Jumps The Shark (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


Ray Stubbs suits up for the EPSN post-match analysis

Sports analysis in this country is rapidly catching up with its American counterparts. Statistics, graphics and animations are all the rage, and while, for the most part, they do add a new and interesting angle to post-match analysis, sometimes things go a bit too far.

10 Things That Could Go Horribly Wrong At Mario Balotelli’s Christmas Party

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By Greg Evans

According to the Metro among others, as Man City's leading example of austerity and demure sophistication, 'Mario Balotelli: Party Liaison' has stepped forward and duly volunteered himself to organise Man City's Christmas shindig this year.

"Ooh, ooh!

Snapshot: Arsenal Open New Medical Centre As Injury Crisis Deepens

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By Alan Duffy


Arsenal seem to pick up more injuries than a team at the Geriatric Twister World Championships. Currently tucked up in their sick-beds are Thomas Vermaelen, Jack Wilshere, Abou Diaby and Bacary Sagna amongst others. However, in order to make more room for the Gunners' sick and infirm, the club have extended their medical facilities.

Dumbass Chivas Guadalajara Players Stage ‘Mock Gunshot Execution’ Goal Celebration (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seems that this little post-goal charade has caused a bit of a stir down Mexico way, see if you can fathom why...

That's right, it's because Chivas Guadalajara pair Marco Fabian and Alberto Medina staged a carefully-choreographed 'mock gunshot execution' to celebrate the former's goal in their side's 5-2 victory over Tecos yesterday evening.

Due To Popular Demand: Anthony Stokes’ Outrageous Open-Goal Howler vs Kilmarnock (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We got an awful lot of requests flooding in for this howler to get a mention on Pies after Paul Heffernan's horror miss from the same game got a nod so, due to popular demand and for your viewing pleasure, here's Celtic striker Anthony Stokes' ridiculously rubbish miss from all of 40cm against Kilmarnock at the weekend.

Snapshot: Our Nation’s Moral Guardian, The Sun, Fears For The Future Of Football

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By Alan Duffy

It's a rather interesting time for The Sun to be pointing the finger at others in football, isn't it? However, as a bastion of morality, the newspaper gives us a couple of photos from the recent Sheffield derby which are apparently supposed to have us shaking our heads in disbelief at the state of the nation and the beautiful game.

Worst Miss Of The Weekend: Kilmarnock’s Heffernan Or Bolton’s Boyata? (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

The weekend witnessed plenty of goals, drama and a fair amount of mediocre football at times, but it also gave us two prime examples of how to miss with a header from point-blank range.

Step forward Kilmarnock's Paul Heffernan and Bolton's Dedryck Boyata.

Sao Paulo Hit Woodwork Four Times In Three Seconds vs Atletico Goianiense (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It...just...won't...go in Captain!

Top marks for the player trying to stick it away with his knee/crotch. That's Grade A technique, right there.

Video: Sport TV

Novara Keeper Samir Ujkani Fractures Nose, Dents Cheekbone & Loses Four Teeth vs Bologna (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It wasn't a particularly good day at the office for Novara 'keeper Samir Ujkani when his side took on Bologna in Serie A on Sunday, in so far as the Albanian conceded two in a 2-0 home defeat and, the poor sod, also had the misfortune of fracturing his nose, suffering a hairline crack to his cheekbone and losing four of his teeth after careering into teammate Michel Morganella.

Caption This: Slightly Unsettling West Brom Fan Taunts Wolves Supporters After Black Country Derby

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By Chris Wright

Pies Says: 'The Hills Have Ears'

You say?

York’s Jason Walker Caps Slick Passing Move With Sweet Overhead-Kick vs Grimsby (Video)

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By Chris Wright

It's not often we feature action from the Blue Square Premier such is our remit here on Pies, but when it's this good we'll gladly make an exception.

Submitted for your perusal is Jason Walker's sweet sweet goal for York City against Grimsby at the weekend a pretty slick bout of passing (considering we're talking about the fifth tier here) followed by a sublime, post-clipping overhead kick.

ADO Den Haag Score After 9 Seconds, And It’s Not Just A Hoofer From Half-Way (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Think Robin van Persie scored a quick goal this weekend? Pah! Think again amigo.

ADO Den Haag winger Tjaronn Cherry found the net after just 9 seconds had elapsed against Roda JC in the Eredivisie on Saturday afternoon and it wasn't just a standard looping Howitzer-like salvo from half-way that bounced awkwardly over the 'keeper, oh no.

Daniel ‘Cook Report’ Sturridge Exposes Flagrant Age Discrimination At Chelsea Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Chelsea urchin Daniel Sturridge, like Robin Cook before, stumbles across a case of gross age discrimination after seeing himself, Salomon Kalou and Romelu Lukaku knocked out of a shooting game (insert Ashley Cole pun here) during training and sent back to the changing rooms by senior pair Didier Drogba and Nicolas Anelka and immediately embarks on a stint of amateur investigative journalism to expose the racket all while Kalou fiddles with Lukaku's rubbish hair.

Football GIF: Mario Balotelli’s Superb, Instinctive Overhead-Kick vs Aston Villa On Infinite Loop

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By Chris Wright

Mario had a funny old day on Saturday; telling the Villa fans to shut-up on several occasions, raging at Yaya Toure for a slightly misplaced pass, being kicked in the kidneys while prone by said Yaya Monster for said rage, tracking his man back into his own half!

Ugly Aftermath: Did Luis Suarez Racially Abuse Patrice Evra?

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By Chris Wright

Reports began flooding in at about Match of the Day time on Saturday evening that there had been an 'incident' at the end of 'The Biggest Club Game In The Worldâ„¢', with Liverpool's Luis Suarez accused of racially abusing Patrice Evra throughout the match.

QPR 1-1 Blackburn Rovers: Super Samba Stops The Rot For Rovers (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

QPR 1-1 Blackburn Rovers Premier League October 15 2011

Blackburn Rovers registered a valuable away draw at Loftus Road, coming after two defeats on the bounce.

Rovers captain Christopher Samba was Steve Kean's goal hero, heading home on 24 minutes to level the scores after QPR's Icelandic striker Heidar Helguson netted his 100th goal in English football to give the home side the lead.

Stoke City 2-0 Fulham: Irish Connection Downs Travel Sick Cottagers (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Stoke City 2-0 Fulham Premier League 15 October 2011

After an utterly dismal first half, this game came to life (ish) in the second-half, with the home side eventually securing a deserved 2-0 win.

The Cottagers are usually rubbish on the road, so cranky Dutch boss Martin Jol won't be too disappointed with the result.

Norwich City 3-1 Swansea City: Pilkington On Song For Canaries (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Norwich City 3-1 Swansea City Premier League 15 October 2011

Summer-signing Anthony Pilkington fired Norwich to their third victory in four games against Swansea at Carrow Road, with the midfielder's first goal coming with just 49 seconds on the clock.

Wigan Athletic 1-3 Bolton Wanderers: Chris Eagles Has Landed (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Wigan Athletic 1-3 Bolton Wanderers Premier League 15 October 2011

Wigan gave yet another fine example of how not to defend in their 3-1 home defeat at the hands of Bolton.

Defensive errors were central to the home side's defeat yet again, with Bolton, a side hardly on top form this season, all too happy to capitalise.

Manchester City 4-1 Aston Villa: Citizens Stroll To Top Of The Table (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Starting with Samir Nasri, David Silva and Edin Dzeko on the bench and still winning 4-1 is surely the epitome of "strength in depth", and at the Etihad Stadium on Saturday, Manchester City's diamond-encrusted squad showed why they are real title contenders.

Chelsea 3-1 Everton: Juan Performing When It Matas (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Chelsea 3-1 Everton Premier League 15 October 2011

Spanish summer signing Juan Mata was the star of the show for Chelsea on Saturday, with the diminutive attacker inspiring the Blues to a valuable victory over Everton at Stamford Bridge.

Liverpool 1-1 Manchester United: Home Side Blow Chance To Close Gap On Rivals (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 1-1 Manchester United Premier League 15 October 2011

Stevie Gerrard returned to action and Wayne Rooney, apparently depressed after receiving his Euro 2012 ban, was left on the bench as 'the biggest game in the world' kicked off at lunchtime on Saturday.

Neighbours Writers Really Know Their Apples – Proclaim Milan Jovanovic ‘One Of The Best Players In The World’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

You have to give the Neighbours scriptwriting team (an image of ten chimpanzees throwing their faeces at a typewriter instantly comes to mind) their dues for attempting to shoehorn a soccer reference into a recent episode.

Shame really, that they ended up missing the mark by a country mile.

Snapshot: Portland Timbers’ Kenny Cooper Literally Loses His Head vs Houston Dynamo

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By Chris Wright

Fnarf fnarf...

‘Man Utd vs Liverpool Is The Biggest Club Game In The World’ – Sir Alex Hypes Up The Big Clash

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By Alan Duffy


Ahead of Manchester United's clash with Liverpool at Anfield on Saturday, Sir Alex Ferguson has claimed that the fixture is the biggest (club) game in the world, even eclipsing Spain's "El Clasico" and the M4 derby between Reading and Swindon.

In Control: Xavi Hernandez, Midfield Master At Work (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We know we fawn and salivate over Senor Hernandez far too much than is probably healthy here on Pies but, goddamn it this is just about as beautiful as football gets...

Artisan finesse, 360º eyes-in-the-back-of-his-head vision, masterful touch and the cutest little tushy technique in the game we know, we spoil you rotten.

Shit Lookalikes: Jurgen Klopp & Dwight Schrute (From ‘The American Office’)

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By Chris Wright

More than a little bit 'shit', but that is the name of the game after all...

Klopp is the Borussia Dortmund coach

Schrute is this mofo...

Lovely work from Pies fan Dan Diaczun, have a delicious Tunnocks Tea Cake on us!

Real Betis Boss Pepe Mel Pens Mystery Novel In His Spare Time, ‘Re-Imagines’ The Da Vinci Code

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By Alan Duffy


Not content with steering his enewly-promoted Real Betis side into seventh place in Liga, just two points off the top, renaissance man(ager) Pepe Mel has penned a novel in his spare time.

"The Liar" concerns itself with an antiques dealer who clashes with The Vatican in his quest for stolen manuscripts sounds rather familiar, doesn't it?

Classic Football Moments: Faithfully Recreated In MS Paint

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By Chris Wright

Time for a little game, at least...that's the dubious pretense anyway. It's actually just a thinly-veiled chance for me to show off my incredible, award-winning* MS Paint chops with a bit of Friday afternoon frippery.

Any road up, please feel free to have a crack at pinpointing the six classic football moments hand drawn by yours truly on Microsoft's finest or just bask in the glory of the supreme craftsmanship on show.

Colombian Footballer Arrested In Saudi Arabia For Jesus Tattoos

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By Alan Duffy

Tat's entertainment...

Colombian Juan Pablo Pino obviously didn't invest in a copy of The A-Z Of Saudi Etiquette when he moved on loan from Galatasaray to Saudi Arabian club Al Nassr in the summer.

The winger was arrested by Saudi "moral police" in a shopping mall in Riyadh after fellow shoppers complained about the Colombian's tattoos on his arms, which were exposed by his sleeveless top.

Brazilian Fans Sneak Into Game In The Back Of An Ambulance (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Like some kind of paramedic Trojan Horse, six intrepid supporters bypassed the need for a match ticket by way sneaking into the Brazilian cup tie between Sampaio Correa and Moto Clube at the weekend in the back of an handy ambulance...

(Apologies for the appalling sound quality here, you may want to turn your speakers down a notch or two before hitting play.

Snapshot: Andrey Arshavin Doing What He Does Best…

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By Chris Wright

...being EPIC!

That, Sir, is an awesome t-shirt!

This way for more of the same, an Arshav-a-lanche if you will!

(Images: Arshavin.eu via Kickette thanks to Pies fan Brookie for the nudge)

Fluminese Striker Fred Scores Outrageous, Angled Overhead-Kick vs Coritiba (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Despite only flying in from international duty in Mexico just 26 hours earlier (though he didn't actually play), Fluminese striker Fred bags himself a hat-trick against Coritiba on his return to Brazil on Wednesday evening opening his account with a truly beautiful, angled overhead kick.

The BIG Question: Should Fabio Capello Wade Into Euro 2012 ‘Rooney-less’?

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By Chris Wright

Hands up, I got tired of waiting around for the (massively delayed) verdict last night but, as you may be aware by now, UEFA came down hard on Wayne Rooney and issued him with a three-match Euro 2012 ban for his little indiscretion in Podgorica last Friday evening sadly, the letter didn't work.

The FA’s Indignation Over Rooney Euro 2012 Ban Summed Up In One Bitesize Meme

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By Chris Wright

What goes around, comes around...

Via Reddit.

Glentoran Coach Has Contact Lens Blown Out By Rogue Firework (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Glentoran goalkeeping coach David McClelland came about as close to losing an eye as is humanly possibly when his contact lens was knocked out by a rogue firework that exploded in front of the dugout during his side's Irn-Bru League Cup tie with Portadown (a fixture you may well remember produced a storming goal from Matty Burrows last season) in Northern Ireland last night.

Snapshot: Carlos Tevez Trains Alone On Man City Return, Plugs His New Clothing Line For Good Measure

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By Chris Wright

Carlos Tevez was forced to train alone in footballing limbo on his return to Man City this afternoon after serving a two-week ban and saw fit to plug his new 'Tevez 32′ clothing company both before and after his solitary session at Carrington...

(Sky) blue steel, work it bitch!

PES 2012 Easter Egg Sees Lionel Messi Perform Flawless ‘Moonwalk’ Goal Celebration (Video)

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By Chris Wright

'Goal celebration no. 91′ in PES 2012 is a cut above the same old bilge animations Konami have been using for years on end now, in that it sees your man (Lionel Messi in this case) perform a flawless rendition of Jacko's trademark Moonwalk...

Saints be praised, there's also a 'Smooth Criminal lean' to unlock as well.

Ireland Draw Estonia In Euro Play-Offs, Is There No End To The Good Karma?

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By Alan Duffy


Ireland boss Giovanni Trapattoni collapses with joy on hearing the play-off draw

I think it's fair to say that the Irish have been paid back with interest for that infamous Henry handball in the World Cup qualifiers in 2009.

The Meteoric Fall Of David Bentley, Underachieving Attacker Out For Six Months

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By Alan Duffy


A young David Bentley celebrates his only goal for Arsenal

Once touted (mostly by himself) as the man to replace David Beckham on England's right wing, Tottenham's David Bentley is set to miss six months of action following an operation on his left knee.

Snapshot: Adil Rami Grabs Himself A Handful Of Edin’s Dzekos

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By Chris Wright

After turning the French centre-half inside-out before open the scoring for Bosnia on Tuesday evening, it looks like Edin Dzeko proved to be a bit of a 'handful' for Adil Rami on more than one occasion over the course of the game...

HONK!

Around The Grounds: The Recreation Ground (EBB Stadium), Aldershot

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By Chris Wright

League Two side Aldershot's humble 7,100 capacity (4,000 seated) Recreation Ground known formally and commercially as the 'EBB Stadium' is set to play host to Premier League goliaths Manchester United in the Fourth round of the Carling Cup a week next Tuesday and, with tickets going on sale yesterday, we thought we'd give you all a little sneak peak of the venue that is lying in wait for Fergie's high-rollers (or at least the second/third string of Fergie's high-rollers) in a fortnight or so's time in the form of a photo essay.

‘Emile Heskey Is The New Franz Beckenbauer’ – Alex McLeish Waxes Lyrical Over Stocky Striker

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By Alan Duffy


Aston Villa's Der Kaiser listens to the resounding laughter following Alex McLeish's interview

It's not often that you hear the names Emile Heskey and Franz Beckenbauer in the same sentence, and it's even less often that you hear the former England man being actually compared to the German great.

Snapshot: Catalan Newspaper Proves Lionel Messi & Bojan Krkic Are Distant Cousins

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By Chris Wright

Apparently it's 'common knowledge' that Lionel Messi and former Barca striker Bojan Krkic (now of Roma) are related somewhere back along the line, but those plucky bods over in the genealogy research department of Catalan newspaper Segre have been busying themselves, tracing the lineage of both players and have now put their finger on just what the relationship is between the pair.

Female Hutnik Krakow Fans Release Nude Calendar For Cash-Strapped Club (NSFW Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Having already been liquidated once back in 2010, Polish IV League outfit Klub Sportowy Hutnik Krakow are once again facing financial rack and ruin with debts mounting etc, etc.

Good news then, that several of Hutnik's more altruistic female fans have volunteered to strip off for a nude calendar to help raise a bit of cash in aid of relieving the (monetary) tension.

Nemanja Vidic Fluffs Spot-Kick, Retires From International Football (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


Sir Alex Ferguson reacts to the news that Vidic has retired from international football

In one of the shocks of the Euro 2012 qualifying campaign, plucky little Estonia made it out of Group C, a group which contained Italy, Serbia and Slovenia, all sides well above them in the FIFA rankings, along with Northern Ireland and the mighty Faroe Islands.

Goal Disallowed In Spanish Fourth Tier After Ball Goes Through Hole In Net

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By Alan Duffy


Straight from the lower environs of Spanish football comes yet another argument for the introduction of goal-line technology, as well as for no holes in nets and referees with reasonable eyesight.

With the scores at 0-0 between Alondras and Pontevedra, Alondras' Fran Fandino looped a header over the Pontevedra 'keeper and into the back of the net.

Petr Cech Drums His Way Through Coldplay Classic ‘Yellow’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

There was a time, back in the primordial ooze, that Coldplay were an almost passable band, they were on the brink but after album upon album of mawkish rhyming couplets, tedious radar-ping guitar motifs and cookie-cutter MOR AOR, well, deary me doesn't 'Parachutes' seem like such a long time ago now?

Ireland 2-1 Armenia: Presumably FAI Will Ask UEFA For Replay After Dreadful Refereeing Decision? (Photos & Highlights)

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By Alan Duffy


Three years after Thierry Henry's infamous handball in France's World Cup play-off with the Republic of Ireland, the Irish finally received some kind of footballing karma at the Aviva Stadium, courtesy of another appalling refereeing decision, this time by Spanish official Eduardo Ganzalez.

Shit Lookalikes: Andre Schurrle & Freddie Mercury

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By Chris Wright

"The show must go on!"

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it to waatpies@gmail.com and stick ‘Lookalikes' in the subject field.

Valeri Aleksanyan Nets Own-Goal With Consummate Aplomb vs Republic Of Ireland (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Valeri Aleksanyan of Armenia, fox in the (Armenian) box...

We'll have more on the rest of the shenanigans that dogged this game shortly.

Video: Kistengang

Snoop Dogg Airs His Amazing, Imaginary Kick-Up Skills (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Ahead of his Doggumentary world tour that begins in Wales shortly, Snoop Dogg is laying it on thick with a Youtube promo campaign that has already seen him tap up a prize-winning Welsh gardener for tips on super-sizing his 'personal vegetation' and the lastest episode sees Mr Dogg (still togged up in his Cardiff City shirt) showing off an impressive array of Kizzle-Uppizzle skills.

Spot The Baller: William Shatner & Leonard Nimoy

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By Chris Wright

Who's this pair lurking behind TJ Hooker and the guy from Mission Impossible?

Previous answer: Darron Gibson

Congrats go out to Redho, Aspers, Andrew, Jake, lordrt and Jezza for nailing it like mother-humpin' carpenters!

‘I’ve Only Made One Bad Tackle’ – Lee Cattermole Lies Like A Cheap Rug

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By Alan Duffy


Sunderland's combative midfielder Lee Cattermole  has apparently cultivated something of a persecution complex judging by his latest comments.

The 23-year-old hardman, who has picked up only 47 bookings and five red cards since 2005/06 in domestic football said: "I feel like they (referees) are out there for me at the minute.

Four Superb Euro 2012 Qualifier Goals: Kallstrom, Dzeko, Ozil & Vrsic (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

Catch them while you can...

1. Kim Kallstrom, SWEDEN 3-2 Holland

Not a bad way to open the scoring...

2. Edin Dzeko, France vs BOSNIA

His kickin's better than his Edin...

3.

Snapshot: Wayne Rooney’s Begging Letter To UEFA Leaked!

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By Chris Wright

We bought you news yesterday that Wayne Rooney had got his bestest crayolas out and written a letter to Santa Claus UEFA to request a one-match ban for booting some bloke across the calves, well...

Mucho thanks to Pies fan @Box_to_Box for the nudge.

Bahrain’s Rashed Al Hooti Shown Fastest International Red Card Ever…After 39 Seconds (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've reason to believe (someone chap just told us) that Bahrain defender Rashed Al Hooti's dismissal for a rash clatter of a challenge against Iran last night is the fastest red card ever administered at international level in the history of recorded time.

Liverpool Eyeing Bigger Slice Of Overseas Pie, Mulling Over ‘Breakaway TV Deal’

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By Alan Duffy


Liverpool big cheese Ian Ayre has set the proverbial cat amongst the pigeons by stating that the bigger Premier League clubs should be able to negotiate their own overseas TV deals.

Currently, all 20 top tier clubs share the overseas revenues, but according to Ayre, the bigger clubs deserve a larger slice of the pie.

Cristiano Ronaldo Scores Trademark ‘Tomahawk’ Free-Kick vs Denmark (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, with the clock running down to nothing, Cristiano Ronaldo keeps his 'one in every hundred' free-kick success ratio alive by pounding one of his trademark tomahawks into the top-corner from 30 metres rather than into the ribcage of some unlucky sod in the wall.

Cristiano Ronaldo Scores Trademark ‘Tomahawk’ Free-Kick vs Denmark (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, with the clock running down to nothing, Cristiano Ronaldo keeps his 'one in every hundred' free-kick success ratio alive by pounding one of his trademark tomahawks into the top-corner from 30 metres rather than into the ribcage of some unlucky sod in the wall.

Spain 3-1 Scotland: What’s The Matter? Levein So Soon? (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

"I've kilt before and I'll kilt again!"

(First up, apologies for that headline. In my current drug-addled state I'm afraid I found it a lot funnier than it actually is.)

Alas, dear friends, 'twas not to be. Needing a win over the reigning World and European champions to secure themselves a place in next month's Euro 2012 qualification play-offs, Scotland were overrun and eventually went down 3-1 to Spain in Alicante last night with a first-half brace from the bang in-form David Silva and David Villa's 50th international goal ten minutes after the interval rendering David Goodwillie's 66th-minute penalty little more than a partial consolidation.

Liverpool And Newcastle Recreate 1996 4-3 Classic, Magpies Lose Again (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Liverpool's 4-3 win against Newcastle United at Anfield in 1996 It remains a seminal game in English football, full of end-to-end action and utter drama.

At the weekend, the two clubs came together once more, to recreate that classic game all for the sake of a number of fabulous charities including the NSPCC, CHUF, Alan Shearer Centre, Sir Bobby Robson Foundation and NE Children's Charity Pathways.

Snapshot: Mike Ashley Puts ‘Newcastle United’ Up For Sale On Ebay

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By Chris Wright

For the discerning Geordie in your life, prized from the roof of the East Stand at St James Park and slapped straight on Ebay via the club's official account at least, we hope it's there official account...

Beats a doodle of a squirrel any day of the week.

Wayne Rooney Sends Begging Letter To UEFA

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By Alan Duffy


Free the Merseyside One!

Eager to minimise the potential damage caused to England's Euro 2012 campaign by the loss of Wayne Rooney, The FA have put together a dossier of mitigation to be sent to UEFA.

The FA bigwigs are hoping that Europe's football governing body will give their star striker a minimum one-match ban after the United hot-head booted Miodrag Dzudovic in the leg last week, and not dish out a two or even three match punishment.

WAG Watch: Irina Shayk Poses Nude For ‘Arse’ Book, Strategic Ink Splotch Spoils The View

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By WAG Watcher

Music producer Jimmy Iovine, fashion photographer Rafael Mazzucco and pap rapper Puff Diddly Doo-dah Daddy have collaborated to produce a new book, imaginatively titled 'CULO', which features 248 photographs in celebration of the female derriere one of which belongs to Cristiano Ronaldo's other half, Miss Irina Shayk.

Ronaldo’s 219 Goals In Spain & Italy In The Space Of 14 Glorious Minutes (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Exactly what it says on the tin, all of R9′s goals for Barca, Real, Inter and Milan in the space of 14 glorious minutes...

Just so you know, Pies may be a little slow today as I put my back out yesterday and it's so painful that it hurts to type and it's actually making me vomit intermittently.

Joachim Loew’s Famous Blue Sweater Sold For €1 Million, Donated To German Football Museum

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By Chris Wright

Germany coach and former 1970s catalogue model Joachim Loew has seen his lucky blue cashmere sweater sold to retail magnates Galeria Kaufhof for a cool €1 million on behalf of a children's charity (the deal actually took place last year) and, in turn, the sweat-stained pull-over has now been donated to the DfB's new German football museum, which is set to open in Dortmund at some point in 2014.

Race Issues: Paolo Di Canio Gets Lost On Two-Mile Fun Run, Completes Half Marathon By Mistake

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By Chris Wright

"This way?"

According to the Beeb, Swindon Town manager Paolo di Canio unwittingly completed the town's half marathon after making an impromptu right turn on the two-mile fun run course he was supposed to be running.

43-year-old Di Canio was present to sound the horn to start Sunday's 13.

Adidas Reveal New 2012/13 Scotland Home Shirt – Features Nifty Embossed ‘Gut Flag’ (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Look what was waiting for us on the doormat this morning, a padded envelope containing a few photos of the brand new Adidas Scotland home shirt for 2012/13...

We'll have more photos (and a wee promo video) up shortly.

The embossing across the stomach, which incorporates elements of both the old and new Hampden Park, the Lion Rampant, the Thistle, the 1928 ball used in the 5-1 demolition of England at Wembley Stadium, the Fleur De Lis and the date 1873, i.

Naff Celebration Merchants HIK Score ‘Goal Of Love’, Produce Cringe-Worthy Tribute (Video)

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By Chris Wright

If you though HIK's previous overwrought/decidedly annoying goal celebrations (think Shakira, Guns N' Roses, etc) were low budget and chintzy just wait until you see their latest offering, 'The Goal of Love'.

Scored in the same game that spawned the Axl Rose-aping tomfoolery, the 'Goal of Love' sees a chap named Soares bag a completely unremarkable goal, charge into the crowd to kiss his girlfriend Alysson and then, for the benefit of mankind, produce a naff tribute video (complete with Avatar-esque 'special' effects) to mark the occasion that is so cringe-inducing that it made a little bit of sick come up.

Joey Barton Caught In Up In Pathetic EDL Photo Sting

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By Alan Duffy

Barton with a gormless-looking Yaxley-Lennon

QPR's Joey Barton has come out quickly and strongly to deny claims on the far-right English Defence League's Facebook page that he has joined the organisation.

A photo of Barton alongside EDL head honcho Stephen Yaxley Lennon (see above) was posted on the EDL Support Group Facebook page, with the title "Joey Barton joins the EDL".

Hollywood Star Hugh Jackman Regrets Not Investing In Norwich City

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By Alan Duffy


Jackman rates Grant Holt's start to the season out of 10

Aussie superstar Hugh Jackman is the latest big cheese from the world of entertainment to flirt with part-ownership of an English football club, thus following in the footsteps of Jay-Z (Arsenal) and 50 Cent (Accrington Stanley).

Thiago Silva Knocks Neymar On His Arse During Brazil Training (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Making his second Pies appearance of the day, he we see Thiago Silva up-ending Neymar with a ninja leg sweep after the latter attempted to buffet the Milan centre-half for leaving his studs in during a knock-around earlier in the session...

So satisfying.

Michael Owen’s Brother Investigated Over Rooney Bet

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By Alan Duffy


Squeaky-clean horse enthusiast Michael Owen has become the second Manchester United player to find a family member getting the once over from the "bizzies" (actually do people still use the word "bizzies"??) in the last few weeks.

Umbro Unveil Swanky New ‘Special Edition’ England Away Kit (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: Umbro's swish new Peter Saville-designed Special Edition Away kit range, a modified version of the current strip which sees a couple of subtle changes made to the badge and the collar with Saville's 'Modern England' design (the interlocked St George's crosses) cut-and-pasted from the 'eye-catching' goalkeeper's jersey and the Three Lions rendered in monotone navy.

Paul Gascoigne Got Colonel Gaddafi’s Sons Steaming Drunk, Autographed ‘Bomb’ At Libyan Compound

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By Chris Wright

"Another wee dram Colonel?"

You'll be glad to know that Paul Gascoigne is not dead...yet, and that he's also been reminiscing with Piers Morgan (for the ruddy-faced bounder's tear-milking Life Stories television show) about the time he visited Libya, snooted enough fluff to down a Stegosaurus and then took the fruits of Colonel Gaddafi's loins out on the lash around gay Tripoli:

"I went to Libya when I played for Middlesbrough and took Gaddafi's two sons out and got them absolutely lamped.

Euro 2012 Final Venue Olympiyskiy Stadium Officially Opened With Shed-Load Of Fireworks…And Shakira (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

"Basically, can I have a condensed Pink Floyd concert for £500?"

Nice of them to throw Shakira in for a pony and a bag of hooves too...

Photos: PA

David Luiz & Thiago Silva Suffer Wince-Inducing Face Collision vs Costa Rica (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Brazilian centre-back pairing David Luiz and Thiago Silva unveiled a cunning new corner routine against Costa Rica over the weekend that they'd obviously spent all of five minutes working on and seemed to largely involve ramming their faces together at high speed in a bid to confuse their markers.

Malaysian Enforcer Kathiripillai Reuben Scythes Down Referee From Behind vs Australia (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Seems like Malaysian midfielder Kathiripillai Reuben has a bit of a problem with authority either that, or he's fecking shite at tackling...

Video: 101GG

South Africa Miss Out On Cup Of Nations Place After Monumental Misunderstanding

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By Alan Duffy


Poor old South Africa manager Pitso Mosimane made a right mess of his team's final Africa Cup of Nations qualifier at the weekend.

The 47-year-old manager was convinced that his side needed only a draw against Sierra Leone in order to make it to the finals in Gabon and Equatorial Guinea, and his side duly obliged, playing out a goalless draw in Nelspruit.

Liverpool’s Luis Suarez Scores As Uruguay Beat Bolivia 4-2 (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


While the Europeans were getting close to the end of their Euro 2012 qualifying adventures, across the Atlantic, the South Americans were only just kicking off their World Cup qualifying campaign.

In a six-goal thriller in a rainy Montevideo, buck-toothed assassin Luis Suarez got foxy in the box(y) to open the scoring in the fourth minute.

Argentina Batter Chile 4-1: Higuain Nets A Hat-Trick And Messi Scores (Video)

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By Alan Duffy


They may have made a total hash of their recent Copa America appearance, going out in the quarter-finals, but Argentina look to be getting back on track for their World Cup qualifying campaign.

The star-studded side played their first match of the campaign at the weekend, and demolished an attacking Chile side who were caught out on the break time and time again.

Top 10 Euro 2012 Photos: Poland And Ukraine In Sight

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By Alan Duffy

Pies' pick of the ten finest snaps from Friday night's selection of Euro 2012 qualifiers (other than England's game, that is).

Kevin Doyle and Co. celebrate scoring against the mighty Andorra

Gareth Bale scores as Wales start to get their act together, albeit too late for Poland and Ukraine

Estonia's Raoi Piiroja beats Northern Ireland's Kyle Lafferty to the ball

Spain celebrate Juan Mata's opening goal against the Czech Republic

Robin van Persie leaps with Moldova's Stanislav Namasco and Igor Armas

Greece celebrate vital win against Croatia

The much-coveted Eden Hazard is swamped by team-mates after scoring for Belgium

Les Bleus celebrate second goal against Albania.

Shit Football Ink: The Worst Neymar Tattoo You’re Ever Likely To See

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By Chris Wright

It's perhaps worth poitning out that the same dumb bint also did this to her lower lip...

Tasteful, no?

Image: Bebida Liberada

Football GIF: Wayne Rooney’s Moronic Red Card vs Montenegro

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By Chris Wright

GIF: Imgur

Montenegro 2-2 England: England Reach Polkraine 2012, Top Group Despite Rooney’s Idiocy (Photos & Highlights)

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By Chris Wright

Did someone's Dad have another flutter on a red card?

England secured themselves a ball in Sepp Blatter's Polkraine 2012 perspex fishbowl with a 2-2 draw against Montenegro in rain-drenched Podgorica last night, finishing top of Group G with an unbeaten record and everything in the garden looking rosy including the shiny red card shown to Wayne Rooney who, with England 2-1 up, hoofed Miodrag Dzudovic across the calves after being dispossessed and duly left his side a man down for the last 20 minutes.

Crocked Kieron’s Career In Dyer Straights

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By Alan Duffy


Dyer is stretchered off in August after lasting six minutes against Bolton

He might not be the most likeable footballer around, but even the most hard-hearted of you is sure to feel some sympathy for the plight of QPR's Kieron Dyer.

Venky’s Verdict On Blackburn Boss Steve Kean: He’s Brilliant!

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By Alan Duffy


On the day that struggling side Blackburn Rovers made history by becoming the first-ever Premier League club to play in India, manager Steve Kean was given a major boost by the club's co-owner, Balaji Rao, who described the under-pressure Scot as "a brilliant manager".

Julio Baptista Scores A Wonder Goal (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Throughout his career, Â the bulky Brazilian has veered between the sublime and the, well, truly awful. Just ask Arsenal fans.

Anyway, here's one of the former Real Madrid man's better efforts, coming for Malaga against Getafe.

The commentator could have shown a bit more enthusiasm, mind.

David De Gea Will Be Kept In Free Donuts For Life At This Rate (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Yep, this again.

After arriving back home in Spain on international duty with the U21s, David de Gea has been ceasly quizzed over the incident that saw him being caught half-inching a Krispy Kreme from the Tescos in Altrincham an incident which, as tedious as it is now becoming, is also keeping him in free donuts.

Fürth’s Heinrich Schmidtgal Leaves Five Defenders For Dead, Scores Wonder Goal (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Greuther Fürth midfielder Heinrich Schimdtgal goes past one, then another, then another, then another, then another before smashing an unstoppable finish past Karlsruhe 'keeper Dirk Orlishausen during Sunday afternoon's 2-2 draw between the two sides in 2.

Retro Football: Fabio Capello Weeps As Marco Van Basten Retires, 1995 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After missing the entire 1993/94 season with a chronic ankle injury, Milan leggenda Marco van Basten was coerced into ruling himself out Holland's '94 World Cup squad that summer and was eventually forced to admit defeat in his bid to recover following several surgeries officially announcing his retirement from the game (aged just 28) on August 17th, 1995 after spending another year in fruitless rehabilitation.

Horror Hair: Luis Figo’s Dense, Crimped Vintage Barnet

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By Chris Wright

You may be under the impression that Luis Figo has always cut a suave, sophisticated, immaculately-presented dash (with a little help from Just For Men of course).

Not so, as the girlies over at Kickette have recently found out to their peril.

Ox On Fire: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain Bags Hat-Trick As England U21s Roll Iceland Over (Video)

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By Chris Wright

After racking up just the six assists in his first three appearances, Alex Oxlade Chamberlain opened his goal-scoring account in his fourth run-out for the England U21s last night notching his first, second and third goal against Iceland's youngsters and generally stealing the show as England cruised to a comfortable 3-0 victory in Reykjavik.

Snapshot: England Train In Podgorica Ahead Of Montenegro Qualifier

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By Chris Wright

Nothing more, nothing less; just a few photos of the England squad training in the picturesque surrounds of the Podgorica City Stadium (which I honestly thought was tiled like a swimming pool on first view) ahead of their Euro 2012 qualifier against Montenegro tonight.

The Best Or The Worst Goal Celebration Ever? You Decide (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

The Finnish Third Division doesn't sound like the most exciting league in the world, however, that's until you meet Brazil's Marcello Matrone, who plies his trade with HIK.

You see, Matrone is determined to add a bit of showbiz glamour to the Finnish game, something he did in rather under-rehearsed fashion when he scored against Honka recently, as you will see from the video below.

Wayne Rooney’s Dad Arrested After Probe Into ‘Suspicious Betting’

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By Chris Wright

The PA newswire is telling us that Wayne Rooney's old man, Wayne Rooney Snr, along with the Manchester United striker's uncle have been arrested and held as part of the nationwide probe in conjuction with the Gambling Commission into 'suspicious betting patterns'Â -Â the very same probe that also saw Motherwell midfielder Steve Jennings nicked at his home earlier this morning.

Snoop Dogg Shouts Out Record-Breaking Swede Gardener, Requests Help With ‘Personal Vegetation’ (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Snoopy Diddly Dogg (bedecked in a Cardiff City shirt as part of his #whensnoopsineurope Youtube campaign) sends out a personal request to Ian Neale a farmer from Newport, South Wales who is currently awaiting official confirmation that he has germinated the biggest world's biggest swede for help with his personal 'vegetation' in return for a couple of VIP tickets to his show in the Welsh capital.

Top 10 Most Disappointing Premier League Players Of 2011/12 So Far

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By Chris Wright

Yin/yang, Light side/Dark side, Siegfried/Roy the universe states that for every 'most impressive so far' list must therefore come a 'most disappointing so far' list to readdress the cosmic balance.

Or some such tosh...

10.

Eye-Mou: New iPhone Game Lets You Exact ‘Eye Poke’ Revenge On Jose Mourinho (Video)

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By Chris Wright

What's all this then? Why, it's the new 'Eye-Mou' game for the iPhone that allows players to exact revenge on Jose Mourinho for his 'fish-hook of doom', i.e, the moment Mou chose to tickle the retinas of Barca coach Tito Vilanova not so very long ago.

The Madness Of Denilson: Arsenal Loanee Picks Up Third Red Card Of The Season

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By Alan Duffy

The (usually) mild-mannered Arsenal youngster seems to have turned into something of a bad boy since returning to his old club Sao Paulo this season.

As well as getting into hot water with the club's passionate fans after calling them "very.

Barcelona Open Cheerleader Search, Celebrate With Suitably Hot Viral (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Saints be praised, Barcelona have officially opened their search for new Camp Nou cheerleaders today and have chosen to mark the occasion by releasing a vaguely 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'-esque viral chock-full of Catalonia's finest pom-pom twiddlers to get your juices flowing so to speak.

Hope Solo Poses Nude On ESPN’s ‘Body Issue’ Cover, Waters Her Lawn In Similar State Of Undress

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By Chris Wright

Yes, I know most of you are pig-sick of her by now, but here's USWNT 'keeper Hope Solo posing completely 'billy bollocks' on the cover of ESPN magazine's annual 'Body Issue'...err...issue...

For reasons unknown, ESPN also had Hope engage in a spot of nudey-rudey gardening for good measure.

Snapshot: Guillermo Franco Will Devour Your Soul And Wander Your Nightmares For Eternity

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By Chris Wright

Whatever you do, don't look directly into it's eyes...

"KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!"

Velez Sarsfield's Guillermo Franco 'celebrates' after scoring during a Copa Sudamericana soccer match against Universidad Catolica in Santiago, Chile

[Photo: AP/Roberto Candia]

Street Magician Dynamo Returns, Makes Gary Neville Swear Repeatedly (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Good news folks! Dynamo's back, and this time his incredible card and shirt-based jiggery pokey is making Comrade Neville swear like a f**king navvy...

Thanks to Pies fan Tom for the nudge.

More of Dynamo's Premier League bamboozlement on Pies.

Snapshot: Ronaldinho Showcases New Hands-On Training Method

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By Alan Duffy

Back in the Brazil squad after a return to form, Samba schemer Ronaldinho's rediscovered mojo may well be down to a new form of hands-on physical activity.

Here the buck-toothed attacker shows off his manual technique, which no doubt gives every training session a happy ending.

Snapshot: The Sun Issue Tom Cleverley Apology Over Bogus ‘Sex Impersonator’ Article

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By Alan Duffy

It's always nice to see a red-top have to admit to yet another bogus story.

Manchester United youngster Tom Cleverley is the latest celeb to get caught up in a totally inaccurate exclusive, after The Sun claimed that the footballer "begged" some girl for sex in a nightclub.

Arsene Wenger Flaunts His Silky Skills During Arsenal Training (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

In which Arsene Wenger breaks out a few of his finest flourishes during a couple of Arsenal training sessions from earlier in the week...

And just because we've got nowhere else to put it, here's a bonus clip of Chelsea young'n Josh McEachran pulling off a classy little flick during England U21 training yesterday.

Slightly Tardy Snapshot: Rudi Skacel Goes Arse-Over-Tit-Over-Hoarding vs Celtic

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By Chris Wright

We're a little late this one as it dates from Saturday afternoon, but I've just stumbled across it and it made me do a little nose-laugh, so I thought I'd share it with you good folk on the off-chance it makes you titter a bit too here's Hearts hero Rudi Skacel going arse-over-tit-over-advertising-hoarding during the Jam Tart's 2-0 victory over Celtic at Tynecastle.

Freestyle Goalkeeper Lassi Hurskainen Returns With New ‘Angry Birds’ Trick Shot Showreel (Video)

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By Chris Wright

We've featured a couple of tricky-dicky UNC Asheville ‘keeper Lassi Hurskainen on Pies before, and you'll be glad to know that the fripperous freestyler has finally gotten around to cobbling together his third showreel which is based around an 'Angry Birds' theme (you know, that infernal iPhone game) for some reason.

Keeper Reduces Striker’s Knee To Mush With Heinous Tackle, Crocks Him For A Year, No Foul Given (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, during the Segunda Division tie between the two sides on Monday evening, Xerez 'keeper Toni Doblas reduces Girona striker Ion Velez's knee to a mushy paste with a truly horrific full-tilt tackle.

Warning for the squeamish: I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure you can see Velez's knee dislocate fairly graphically during the second replay.

Snapshot: Seattle Sounders Win Third-Straight U.S Open Cup, Grounds Staff Not Impressed

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By Chris Wright

Seattle Sounders won the U.S Open Cup for the third year straight last night, beating Chicago Fire 2-0 to hoist the trophy a victory which was met with jubilant scenes, lashings of frothy champagne and a heavy rain of confetti.

'Twas a truly joyous evening for everybody involved.

Top 10 Most Impressive Premier League Players Of 2011/12 So Far

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By Chris Wright

As we usher in another one of these goddamn international breaks, we though it would be as good-a-time as any to take stock on the first two-and-a-bit months of Premier League action and single out the ten players that have impressed us most so far for a bit of overdue praise.

John “Motty” Motson Celebrates 40 Years At The BBC

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By Alan Duffy

The ultimate football anorak (or sheepskin coat), iconic commentator John Motson has now been with the Beeb for 40 years, quite an achievement.

In a world before Sky Sports, self-important celebrity pundits, the overuse of ironic puns and Clive Tyldesley, Motson was football television's Mr Big, the A-list commentator who shared football's iconic moments with the nation.

Germans In 1966 World Cup Drugs Shocker!

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By Alan Duffy

Spot the drug cheats


Forget the Russian linesman and whether or not the ball crossed the line and all that malarkey, it has now been revealed that three of West Germany's team in the famous 1966 World Cup final failed drug tests after the game.

Luis Suarez Enraged By Rogue Sprinkler And Charlie Adam (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Spotted before last weekend's Merseyside derby, here we see a ridiculously tetchy Luis Suarez taking the warm-up far too seriously...

Calm down mardy bum, have a biscuit.

Anyone else suprised Ol' Luis didn't clutch his shin and leap three feet in the air when that sprinkler went off?

Accrington Stanley vs Tranmere Abandoned After Tom Bender Brutally KO’d By His Own Goalkeeper

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By Chris Wright

Last night's Johnstones Paint Trophy tie between Accrington Stanley and Tranmere had to be abandoned in the 39th minute when Accrington defender Tom Bender was knocked unconscious after being accidentally twatted in the face by his own goalkeeper Ian Dunbavin as he tried to punch the ball clear of Tranmere striker Lucas Akins, who inadvertently nudged Bender into the path of Dunbavin's flying fist.

Another Shining Example Of Dire Portuguese Stretcher-Bearing (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Just days after an unconcious player was dumped on his head in the Portuguese top flight, comes this yet more proof that the Iberian nation's stretcher-bearing industry really is (quite literally) on it's arse...

Academico de Viseu vs Sanjoanense in the Portuguese third division, in case you were wondering.

Managers Polled Over ‘Ideal Dinner Dates’ – An Excuse To Gawp At Scarlett Johansson

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By Chris Wright

On behalf of Yahoo and the League Manager's Association, a 20-strong phalanx of managers have been quizzed over their ideal dinner dates.

All the usual suspects were present, with Elvis, De Niro, Pacino et al all rearing their ugly heads though it was floaty/stingy boxer Muhammad Ali who picked up the most nods, with five managers (Redknapp, Allardyce, McLeish, Pardew and Hughton) plumping for the pugilist.

Foxy Rodwell Is Innocent!: Everton’s Jack Has Red Card Overturned

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By Alan Duffy


Forget all the hoo-haa over Amanda Knox's new-found freedom, the big  story of law and order on Merseyside today is the decision by The FA to rescind the red card that Martin Atkinson brandished in the direction of Jack Rodwell in the clash with Liverpool at the weekend.

England Train Ahead Of Montenegro: Terry In Black Socks, Everyone Else In White (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

A gaggle of photos of Fabio Capello and the England blighters going through their paces at London Colney ahead of Friday's Euro 2012 showdown with Montenegro.

Eyes peeled for John Terry's puzzling sock choice what on Earth could it mean?

Fulham’s Pajtim Kasami Fined For Missing A Penalty

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By Alan Duffy


New Fulham boss Martin Jol has been rubbing a number of his players up the wrong way with his brusk management style. The latest in the Jol firing line is young midfielder Patjim Kasami, who missed a spot-kick in the Cottagers' Carling Cup defeat against Chelsea last month.

Times Are Hard: Blackburn Boss Steve Kean Selling Squirrel Sketch On Ebay

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By Chris Wright

Things aren't particularly easy Blackburn boss Steve Kean at the moment what with the woeful form, the endless undermining questions, nigh-on all of your own fans not being able to stand you and the niggling fact that you could wake to find your chicken-stained P45 on the doormat on any given morning.

Russian Third-Tier Side Mitos Score ‘Fastest Goal Ever’ vs Olympia Gelendzhik (Video)

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By Chris Wright

While it's yet to be rubber-stamped, there's a good possibility that the fastest goal ever scored cropped up in the third-tier of Russian football earlier this month, when veteran Mitos midfielder Michail Osinov stepped up and cracked one home from kick-off against Olympia Gelendzhik on September 11th.

Spot The Baller: The Queen Mother

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By Chris Wright

Who the hell is this hiding behind the Queen Mother and her wooden teeth?

Previous answer: D-D-D-D-D-Daniel Sturridge!!!

Hearty congrats to Timothy, lordrt, Davy, Tom P, Tommy and BigWillyStyle for not going with Salomon Kalou or (rather strangely, considering the knee on show) Branislav Ivanovic.

Top XI Footballing ‘Animals’

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By Chris Wright

I assume you're all perfectly aware already, but today is 'World Animal Day' (of course you're aware, it was hardly worth mentioning) and, as such, we've taken the opportunity to cobble together a first-choice XI of pun-tastic footballing 'animals'.

Watch England Train Ahead Of Montenegro Qualifier (Live Stream)

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By Chris Wright

As always, I've no idea how long this will last so get your fill while the going's good peeps...

Courtesy of FATV

Bayern Munich Fans Caught Having Sex During 0-0 Bore-Draw With Hoffenheim (NSFW Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Please note that, before you scroll down, there are a couple of slightly NSFW pictures at the bottom of this here article.

Anyway, you know the feeling, we've all been there; it's a god-awful goalless draw, every passing minute seems like an eon, the game has been utterly devoid of incident thus far and there's no danger of anything happening anytime soon so you whip down your kecks and give the missus the old 'sexy heave ho' to idle away the match.

‘Of Course I Can Tackle, I Was Just Getting People Back’ – Guess Who?

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By Chris Wright

A shiny hapenny and a bag of liquorice is on offer to those who can successfully guess the identity of the recently-retired mole-eyed, ginger ankle-hacker who wants the record to state that, despite being the worst tackler in the history of organised sport, he could actually tackle all along and that he was actually just 'getting people back' by tearing off chunks of their thigh flesh with his studs on a semi-regular basis:

"Of course I can tackle.

Real Madrid Gather Around Jose Mourinho’s Place For Slap-Up Barbecue (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Jose Mourinho, in the act of winning the heart and minds of his people again by inviting all 30-odd of them round for a hot meat bonanza (which is, incidentally, Cristiano Ronaldo's nickname for himself) before they all jet off to the four corners of the Earth on international duty.

Shit Lookalikes: Franco Di Santo And Wee Man

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By Alan Duffy

Franco Di Santo has finally started to score on a regular basis. His rediscovered form earns the towering Argentinian/Italian striker a place alongside another (albeit shorter) man with Italian blood in his veins, Pisa-born Jackass star Jason Acuna aka Wee Man

Kettering Boss Mark Simpson: Players’ Fitness Levels A Joke

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By Alan Duffy

Training at Kettering Town this morning

New Kettering Town boss Mark Stimson has been shocked by the lack of fitness of his lardy squad since taking over at the struggling Blue Square Premier League side.

"Some players who've been here since pre-season lacked quality and massive fitness levels, it's now beyond a joke," bemoaned Stimson.

Real Sociedad’s Inigo Martinez Scores From His Own Half vs Athletic Bilbao (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which Real Sociedad defender Inigo Martinez (i.e, the fella that scored that audicious 30-yard, volleyed own-goal for the Spain U21s not so very long ago) arches one in from diiiiiiiiiiiiiiistance against Athletic Bilbao a goal which staunch Sociedad supporter Xabi Alonso (a man that knows a fair bit about scoring from one's own half) subsequently labelled the 'greatest goal ever scored at the Anoeta Stadium'.

Horror Hair: Rodrigo Palacio’s Awful Braided Ding-Dong Rat-Tail Mk II

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By Chris Wright

I know it's hardly a new look for Senor Palacio but the fact that he's now shaved the rest of his noggin to fully emphasise that horrendous, erroneous braided 'Jedi bog chain' of hair means his barnet is up for reassessment and yep it's still rubbish.

Team Chased Off Pitch After Bosnian Premier League Derby (Video)

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By Alan Duffy

Another example of how that heady mix of religion and football can go horribly wrong, a Bosnian Premier League game in Mostar between locals rivals Velez and Zrinjksi ended in rather frightening scenes last week.

Rijad Demic, playing for Velzez, a team from the Muslim side of Mostar, netted the winning goal in extra-time, a strike that the Croat fans of Zrinski didn't take too kindly too.

Good Samaritan Striker Duped By Cunning/Cheating Arsehole Defender (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here we see Nigerian side Enyemba (in the blue) bursting forth from their box with designs on launching a counter-attack against Moroccan outfit Wydad during their CAF Champions League tie.

As the Enyemba striker makes his way upfield, a Wydad defender comes hurtling alongside him, pointing, remonstrating and insisting that the ball be put out of play so an injury can be dealt with.

Snapshot: Maybe Wenger Was Right To Dodge Clive Allen’s Hand-Shake After All?

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By Chris Wright

Obviously it's hardly incriminating evidence that would stand up in a court of law (should it get that far) but, judging by this particular post-match photo, it hardly looks like our Clive was well-wishing Arsene on his '15 years in the job' or complementing him on his lovely red tie at the final whistle now does it?

Rate The Scorching Overhead Kicks: Eren Derdiyok vs Julio Baptista – Who Did It Best? (Videos)

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By Chris Wright

This weekend saw a couple of blinding overhead kick scored across the continent, with Eren Derdiyok and Julio Baptista both netting with rather sublime acrobatic efforts question is, which one was better?

Exhibit A: Eren Derdiyok, BAYER LEVERKUSEN vs Wolfsburg

Scoop, rotate, fire.

Tottenham 2-1 Arsenal: ‘Two Bit’ Wenger Refuses Hand-Shake, ‘Disgusting’ Adebayor Chants Sung With Gusto (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Yesterday's North London derby itself was a largely good-natured, entertaining affair (save for Bacary Sagna's unfortunate, inadvertent leg-break), with Kyle Walker scoring the victory for Tottenham sweeping a 25-yard winner past Wojciech Szzczccsczczzccesny with 17-minutes left to play.

Tottenham 2-1 Arsenal: ‘Two Bit’ Wenger Refuses Hand-Shake, ‘Disgusting’ Adebayor Chants Sung With Gusto (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

Yesterday's North London derby itself was a largely good-natured, entertaining affair (save for Bacary Sagna's unfortunate, inadvertent leg-break), with Kyle Walker scoring the victory for Tottenham sweeping a 25-yard winner past Wojciech Szzczccsczczzccesny with 17-minutes left to play.

Wolverhampton Wanderers 1-2 Newcastle United: Magpies Continue To Soar (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Wolverhampton Wanderers 1-2 Newcastle United Premier League 1st October 2011

Newcastle's superb start to the season continued at Molineux, courtesy of a 2-1 win against Wolves.

In-form striker Demba Ba hit his fourth in two games before Argentine wideman Jonas Gutierrez scored a superb individual effort to make it 2-0.

Sunderland 2-2 West Bromwich Albion: Bendtner Brings Black Cats Back To Life

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By Alan Duffy

Sunderland 2-2 West Bromwich Albion Premier League 1st October 2011

The Baggies were two goals up after just five minutes of play at the Stadium of Light, courtesy of goals from James Morrison and Shane Long. However, Arsenal's Nicklas Bendtner, on a season-long loan, hauled the Black Cats back into the game, scoring one and setting up Ahmed Elmohamady for the equaliser.

Aston Villa 2-0 Wigan Athletic: Agbonlahor Too Good For Limp Latics (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa 2-0 Wigan Athletic Premier League 1st October 2011

Fleet-footed attacker Gabriel Agbonlahor must surely be in line for a recall to the England squad after another superb and speedy performance on Saturday.

Wigan had no answer to the forward's pace, with Agbonlahor scoring one and providing the assist for the second (converted by Darren Bent).

Snapshot: Cheltenham Town Substitutes Forget Sun Lotion, Forced To Improvise

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By Chris Wright

Cheltenham Town substitutes raided the kit bag to rig themselves up a set of improvised sunscreens in order to escape the UV at the Memorial Stadium as the wilting Indian summer heat engulfed their League Two match against Bristol Rovers yesterday afternoon.

Referee Takes Out Sergio Canales With Perfectly Timed Slide Tackle (Video)

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By Chris Wright

In which, with Valencia's Sergio Canales making menacing strides towards the edge of Granada's area, the referee intervenes with one of the cleanest, perfectly-timed slide tackles you're ever likely to see...

For the record, Canales eventually managed to get the better of his twelve oppponents, scoring Valencia's only goal in a 1-0 win.

Football GIF: Luis Suarez Finds A Penny, Picks It Up…

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By Chris Wright

10p? Everton just can't afford to waste that kind of money at the moment.

GIF: Red, White & Kop

Everton 0-2 Liverpool: Dodgy Red Card Ruins Merseyside Derby (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Everton 0-2 Liverpool Premier League October 1st 2011

Everton youngster Jack Rodwell became the (record) 20th player to be sent off in a Premier League Merseyside derby at Goodison Park on Saturday, although the decision by referee Martin Atkinson was a stinker.

Manchester United 2-0 Norwich City: Lucky Lucky United (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Manchester United 2-0 Norwich City Premier League October 1st 2011

Only for some very poor finishing, Premier League new boys Norwich City would have  celebrated a well deserved victory at Old Trafford on Saturday.

The Red Devils were carved open time and time again, but ultimately, the Canaries would, in true footballing fashion, pay for their misses.

Blackburn Rovers 0-4 Manchester City: Kean’s Men No Match For Superstar Citizens (Photos)

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By Alan Duffy

Steve Kean's tenure in charge at Ewood Park looks close to ending after the Scot's struggling Blackburn side were thoroughly demolished by Roberto Mancini's A-list 11.

Sergio Aguero did go off early with a groin injury in a mediocre  first half, but after the break City roared into action.

Snapshot: Kasey Keller Gets Seattle Sounders ‘Corn Maze Tribute’ Treatment

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By Chris Wright

We're not sure if corn maze tributes are a 'thing' in MLS fan circles these days, but this is the second crop-based tribute we've seen in the past couple of months with Seattle Sounder's veteran 'keeper Kasey Keller getting the treatment this time, courtesy of the Schilter Family Farm in his hometown of Olympia, Washington.

Snapshot: Tevez Billboard Wars Continue – ‘Welcome To Carlos, Manchester’

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: The latest installment in the never-ending (and slightly past-it's-sell-by-date) Manchester 'billboard wars'.

A large digital billboard has been glaring above Piccadilly Gardens in the city centre reading 'Welcome to Carlos, Manchester', which has appeared courtesy of the United Supporters' Trust described on their website as a 'warm-hearted message from some old friends'.

Snapshot: Tevez Billboard Wars Continue – ‘Welcome To Carlos, Manchester’

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By Chris Wright

Presenting: The latest installment in the never-ending (and slightly past-it's-sell-by-date) Manchester 'billboard wars'.

A large digital billboard has been glaring above Piccadilly Gardens in the city centre reading 'Welcome to Carlos, Manchester', which has appeared courtesy of the United Supporters' Trust described on their website as a 'warm-hearted message from some old friends'.

Melbourne Victory vs Celtic: Gorgeous Time-Lapse & Tilt-Shift Montage (Video)

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By Chris Wright

On the 13th of July 2011, photographer Joe Armao and video journo Dave Pavlich combined their superpowers and endeavoured to capture the friendly game between Melbourne Victory and Celtic at AAMI Park Melbourne using a mix of time-lapse video and tilt-shift photography (a camera/focus trick that makes everything look like a model village).

Melbourne Victory vs Celtic: Gorgeous Time-Lapse & Tilt-Shift Montage (Video)

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By Chris Wright

On the 13th of July 2011, photographer Joe Armao and video journo Dave Pavlich combined their superpowers and endeavoured to capture the friendly game between Melbourne Victory and Celtic at AAMI Park Melbourne using a mix of time-lapse video and tilt-shift photography (a camera/focus trick that makes everything look like a model village).