Who Ate All the Pies Archives for January 2007

Alex Ferguson tells Jose Mourinho to shut the hell up. Aka 'tedious mind games' part 3768

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Yawn. Do you even care that Fergie has told Jose to 'button his lip'? The newspapers and main football sites seem to think it's a big story, but to be honest, it bores the pants off me. Is there anything less interesting and more predictable than two football managers engaging in so-called mind games?

The garbled garbage that comes out of managers' mouths is rarely worth reporting, unless it comes from the golden mouth of Ian Holloway.

Fantasy Friday: week 26 review

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The big controversy in the Pies Fantasy Football League this week is the news that Abney Park Rangers will not be thrown out of the league as had been reported. Ashley Norris' bottom-of-the-table side had been charged by the Pies FA amid rumours that some or all of their players might not have been eligible to score points.

Premiership stars support nurses pay campaign

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That's not a headline I thought I'd ever write. As reported in the Guardian, several football stars have signed up to the Mayday for Nurses campaign and agreed to donate their wages for 13th May to help nurses in financial difficulty.

Nigel Medicore Reo Coker, Paul Robinson, Ryan Giggs, Gary 'shop steward' Neville and Micah Richards are among the players who have already pledged their supprt (btw, you can pledge too, by clicking the link above).

World Cup bloopers video

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I love me some bloopers, especially when they're taken from the biggest football tournament in the world â€" much more poignant.

Pies vs Lawro, Premiership predictions

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SATURDAY
Liverpool v Man Utd
Lawro: 1-1
Pies: 1-2

Arsenal v Reading
Lawro: 2-0
Pies: 5-1 (Gooner backlash, anyone?)

Fulham v Aston Villa
Lawro: 1-2
Pies: 2-2

Man City v Wigan
Lawro: 1-1
Pies: 1-1

Newcastle v MiddlesbroughÂ
Lawro: 2-0
Pies: 3-1

Sheffield Utd v EvertonÂ
Lawro: 1-2
Pies: 0-1

Watford v Charlton
Lawro: 1-1
Pies: 1-1

Portsmouth v Chelsea
Lawro: 0-2
Pies: 1-1

SUNDAY
Bolton v Blackburn
Lawro: 2-0
Pies: 1-1

West Ham v TottenhamÂ
Lawro: 0-2
Pies: 2-1

Bring the motherf**king ruckus Lawro (and Pies readers too)!

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 QPR, Nottm Forest, Portsmouth, Southampton, WBA, West Ham (current). Which journeyman's career?
2 Who scored the opening goal for Man Utd when they beat Liverpool at Old Trafford earlier this season?
3 Picture round. Who's this?

4 Which English league team did serial killer Harold Shipman support in his youth?

West Ham could be relegated (even sooner than you expected)

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West Ham could be thrown out of the Premier League or docked points over the always-a-little-too-murky transfers of Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano to Upton Park. This footballing equivalent of putting down a lame horse relates to an investigation into whether the Argentine duo are correctly registered because of the well-documented third-party ownership of Media Sports Investment which was central to the deal.

THE VOTE Who do you want to get relegated?

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Around this time of the season I like to adopt one or two second teams to support in their relegation dogfights. I never like to see the three that get promoted go straight back down - and Reading have made sure that is not the case this season - but then you have to lose an established Premiership side. So who do you want to get relegated? Click below to see the candidates and choose who you would like to see in the Championship next season.

LA Galaxy get the services of another Brit

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Rumour has it that Ipswich Town's Darren Currie has secured a two-week trial with LA Galaxy, and should he stay, he'll of course by playing with a certain Mr Beckham. Looking at this compilation video, the kid looks a bit good...

New home of Gunners helps burglars do runners!

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Police have revealed that Arsenal's new Emirates Stadium is responsible for a sudden increase in crime. Residents of the Highbury Hill area have been told that burglaries in the area have almost doubled in the six months since the Gunners moved to their new home.

Two bridges built near the stadium to allow fans to cross a railway line to access the ground are being used as a handy escape route by thieving scumbags.

Lampard didn't get a smack from Adebayor

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Emmanuel 'Evander Holyfield' Adebayor apparently DIDN'T punch Frank 'Looks a bit like KD Lang' Lampard. Pity. After Arsene Wenger started spouting off and shouting "THE LINESMAN IS A BIG FAT LIAR!" to just about anyone who would listen, and then called for Fat Frank to come forward and save his striker.

Lampard's agent Steve Kutner told LiteSport on Thursday: "I've spoken to Frank and he told me he hadn't been hit by anybody.

Bicycle kick bonanza!

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Bicycle kicks? Lots of 'em? Yes please!

Bulgarian fan tries to legally change name to 'Manchester United'

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For the past two years, Bulgarian Man Yoo fan Marin Levidzhev (that's not him) has been fighting in his country's courts to have his name legally changed to 'Manchester United'. Magistrates in Bulgaria have just ruled that he can call himself Manchester Levidzhev but not Manchester United. Which kind of defeats the object. Can he call himself Marin United though?

Classic Moment: Wales 2, Italy 1 (Euro 2004 qualifier)

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To celebrate St David's Day, here is a YouTube vid of one of the greatest moments in Welsh football history. Bellamy's second-half winner at Cardiff's Millennium Stadium gave Wales a famous victory against Italy in the Euro 2004 qualifying campaign; they still didn't qualify for the finals though. Doh.

Sevilla coach stretchered off after being hit by bottle

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Sevilla coach Juande Ramos was knocked unconscious by a bottle thrown from the crowd during a Copa del Rey tie with Real Betis last night. The match was abandoned on 60 minutes after Ramos was carried away on a stretcher.

Ramos was unconscious for 11 minutes after the plastic bottle hit the back of his head as he celebrating Fredi Kanoute's goal.

Alan Shearer has a penalty shootout against Brian Clough

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There's a headline I didn't expect to be writing this morning! What with Big Al now retired and Old Big 'Ead now sadly departed, you probably thought the chances of a penalty shootout between the pair was fairly unlikely. And you would be right!

The other Brian Clough is the pie-loving goalkeeper of West Jesmond AFC, BBC Sport's adopted part-timers.

Robbie Fowler to line-up a move to USA (just as soon as he's got his ducks in a row)

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Liverpool striker Robbie Fowler is rumoured to be heading to the USA in the summer to join former team-mate Steve Nicol at New England Revolution. And former Liverpool centre-back Nicol - coach of the MLS side - is so excited at the prospect he has been throwing idioms around like he is Ian Holloway.

Brazilian referee suspended for sending off the wrong player

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A Brazilian referee has been suspended indefinitely after sending off the wrong player in a case of mistaken identity. Rodrigo Martins Cintra - evidently a graduate of the Graham Poll School of Refereeing - sent off Rio Branco's Felipe for a second bookable offence despite the fact that the foul on a Corinthians player had clearly been committed by Josias.

Top teamwork goals

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For every greedy player who likes to take on one man too many, there is the selfless team-mate who would rather put a goal on a plate for a colleague. We celebrate those players who make sure that pass 'n' move is not exclusively the Liverpool groove.

[Rob Parker]

Brit Blog Awards 2007: A vote for Pies is a vote for justice, truth and the beautiful game

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Please, please, please, pretty please with a cherry on top, find a couple of minutes in your day to vote for Who Ate All the Pies in the sport category of the Ask.com Best of Brit Blog Awards 2007. You need to register to vote, but it only takes a minute, and we'd really, really appreciate it. No, really, we would â€" you'd all get mentions in our weepy thank-you speech: Billyo, Rob W, Tommy, Omega, Bryn, Sheps, Cole, Dom, Sam, Joe, Daryl, Matt, Lew, Brian, Colin and the rest of our stalwart troop of regular readers.

Wayne Bridge's blow to the head gets him all confused

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After taking a little smack round the head from Emmanuel Eboue, Chelsea's Wayne Bridge was apparently even more concussed than his skipper John Terry. Perhaps a little bemused as to why his team-mates were parading a little tin cup around and drinking champagne, Bridge said: "It doesn't matter what happened in the game - we got the three points.

It shouldn't happen to an FA Cup player of the round

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Poor Reading keeper Adam Federici must have come crashing down to Earth a couple of minutes into his side's FA Cup defeat against Manchester United last night. The 22-year-old Aussie had already been voted player of the round before he let Gabriel Heinze's drive through his body two minutes into the replayed fifth-round match.

PM calls for cheaper tickets for footy fans

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Bandwagon hopping anyone? Right this way...

Tony Blair has joined in the ticket pricing debate and backed calls for Premiership clubs to lower their ticket prices to make sure fans can afford to attend matches. He said countless empty seats at top-flight grounds in recent years were a clear indication that prices needed to come down.

Pele soccer skills video

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Pele is not just the ambassador for erectile dysfunction. He is also one of the greatest players who ever lived, if not the greatest. I think we've been avoiding Pele videos on here for fear of being too obvious… however, this video is probably the best on the web at showing his dazzling skills and lethal finishing. Enjoy.

Thierry Henry's unfeasibly large ghetto blaster

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Who knows where Thierry picked up this mother of all boomboxes â€" Tandy? What I do know is that he was listening to MC Hammer when this photo was taken. Or Musical Youth.

Football blooper reel: Always look on the bright side of life, part 2

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I'm sure most of you have seen part one of this series. Here's part two:

Diego Maradona steals bottle of Coke from small child

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In this Coca-Cola ad from 1982, Maradona, the most gifted cheat of all time, proves that he is also a shit actor.

Bum-to-bum action in the Madrid derby

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In the recent incident packed Mardrid derby, something unusual happened. It involved some buttock to buttock action... and... well... I've no idea why. It all seems very sporting though.

Guus Hiddink fined for not paying his taxes

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Ladies and gents, we have a new Lester Piggott. Tax irregularities are now known as 'doing a Guus Hiddink' now that the Russia football manager has been handed a six-month suspended sentence and fined £30,000 after being found guilty of tax evasion.

The 60-year-old Dutchman was accused of evading more than £900,000 (bloody hell!

Ashbourne's Royal Shrovetide match: The not-so-beautiful Beautiful Game

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Last week was the annual Royal Shrovetide football match in Ashbourne, Derbyshire. Basically residents of two ends of the town battle it out to score in this primitive version of football, although thegame probably owes more to rugby or a Saturday night brawl than modern football! Click here to find out more or watch the video below for some footage of Royal Shrovetide 2007.

WAG of the week: Martina Colombari

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Name Martina Colombari
Nationality Italian
WAG of… Alessandro Costacurta, AC Milan's veteran centre-back. Costa is now 40 years old and he's still registered as a player, although this will almost certainly be his last season
Fame ranking 7/10 - Not well-known in the UK, but she is very big news in her native Italy; she's a former Miss Italy and used to go out with ski legend Alberto Tomba
Babe ranking 9/10 - she's easier on the eye than Optrex

Click below if you'd like to see some more pix (some involving, gasp, NSFW nudity!

Pies vs Lawro: Premiership & Carling Cup final predictions: THE RESULT

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SATURDAY
Fulham v Man Utd
Lawro: 0-2
Pies: 1-1
Actual: 1-2 (damn you Ronaldo!)

Charlton v West Ham
Lawro: 2-1
Pies: 1-1
Actual: 4-0

Liverpool v Sheffield Utd
Lawro: 2-0
Pies: 3-0
Actual: 4-0

Middlesbrough v Reading
Lawro: 2-1
Pies: 3-2
Actual: 2-1

Watford v Everton
Lawro: 1-1
Pies: 2-1
Actual: 0-3

SUNDAY
Wigan v Newcastle
Lawro: 2-0
Pies: 1-1
Actual: 1-0

Blackburn v Portsmouth
Lawro: 1-0
Pies: 2-0
Actual: 3-0

Tottenham v Bolton
Lawro: 2-1
Pies: 3-2
Actual: 4-1

CARLING CUP FINAL
Arsenal v Chelsea
Lawro: Chelsea on pens
Pies: 2-1 (Arsenal in extra-time)
Actual: 1-2

RESULT: Just four points for Pies, and a whopping 10 points for Lawro.

Big Bouncy News Ball: FA charges Arsenal and Chelsea over Carling Cup brawl, plus Eboue and Adebayor

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As expected, the FA have charged both Arsenal and Chelsea over this unsavoury brawl, which took place near the end of a drama-packed Carling Cup final. Arsenal's Emmanuel Eboue (horrible little man) has been charged with violent conduct for striking Wayne Bridge (glass jaw).

Emmanuel Adebayor (My Little Pony hair) has also been charged â€" a little unfairly I feel â€" with 'reacting aggressively and failing to leave the field of play immediately'.

Well ace Saint Etienne goal

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Do you want to see a goal that my mate alerted me too? His words were "this is well ace!" It's a recent goal by Saint Etienne against PSG, and in fairness, the only way to describe it is WELL ACE! Pick that out!

Carlton Cole is in trouble with Ken Livingstone's bailiffs

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West Ham striker Carlton Cole is reportedly wanted by bailiffs over an £800 congestion charge debt. The debt collectors tracked Cole down to the West Ham training ground but were refused access by club staff. Cole has apparently built up the debt during in a dispute with Transport for London.

The 23-year-old denies that he was driving his car when the offences were committed and has withheld payment of the fine.

DaMarcus Beasley waters the pitch for the groundsman

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This video shows Manchester City winger DaMarcus Beasley having a crafty pee on the pitch while on USA duty at the 2002 World Cup (I think, but correct me if you know better!).

[Rob Parker]

Obscene season ticket prices to be slashed?

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News reaches us that Premiership chairmen are going to be forced into cutting 'obscene' ticket prices because fans have just about had enough of being the victims of daylight robbery every weekend, and as a result, football has reached a tipping point.

Two top-flight chairmen have expressed the same view, both of whom predict price cuts all round next season.

QPR hit with misconduct charge

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Rather unsurprising news this, but QPR have been charged by the FA after the fracas against the China under 10's Olympic side ended up with blood spillage and a smashed up jaw.

QPR have been charged with misconduct after the friendly match against the Chinese side and assistant boss Richard Hill, who has been suspended by the club until further notice, has been charged with violent conduct.

Super Gol! c/o Martin Palermo

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Do you want to know how to win a match with skill, guile and drama? Check out Martin Palermo's 94th minute winner for Boca Juniors versus Independiente. Now that's how you win a match!

Classic Moments: Monty Python's Philosophers' World Cup sketch

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Confucius he say, 'Name go in book…'

Rob Hulse puts the ouch into Peter Crouch

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Q: Who put the 'ouch' in Crouch?

A: Blades striker Rob Hulse, whose stray boot connected with the blonde giraffe's face during Liverpool's 4-0 defeat of Sheffield United on Staurday. There goes Peter's catwalk career…

The injury to Crouch was the only downer of the game for Liverpool, although I've read several reports claiming that Steven Gerrard dived to win their first penalty.

Dive of the week: Steven Gerrard, Liverpool vs Sheffield Utd

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Roughly 14 seconds in to this video, watch Stevie G go down and win one of the softest penalties I've seen this season. Very poor show Steven.

Good weekend, bad weekend

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Good weekend
Chelsea Lifted the Carling Cup after their ill-tempered encounter with Arsenal.
Charlton Thrashed West Ham, while Watford and Sheffield United both lost.
Scunthorpe It looks increasingly like Scunthorpe have League One sewn up. A 3-1 victory over Gillingham moved them seven points clear.

Ronaldinho is getting fat: the photographic evidence

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Indisputable evidence that Ronaldinho is following in the footsteps of Ronaldo. (First pic taken in November 2003, the second after Liverpool's 2-1 win last Wednesday.) He must have put on at least a stone of fat in that time. Is this what happens when you believe your own hype?

Chelsea v Arsenal Carling Cup final brawl

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The ugly scenes at the end of yesterday's Carling Cup final did not make for pretty viewing, but at least it was slightly less embarrassing than the last Chelsea-Arsenal 'brawl'. Here's the video of yesterday's pushing and shoving, which saw Arsenal's Kolo Toure and Emmanuel Adebayor and Chelsea's Mikel Jon Obi dismissed.

Gary Neville feels Fergie's wrath

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When we pondered last week whether Sir Alex Ferguson was still prepared to flog his best players if they were getting too big for their boots, we had Cristiano Ronaldo in mind. It seems that Fergie took more of an objection to his touchline tiff with Gary Neville than Ronaldo's petulant reaction to being substituted.

Cult Hero: Mark 'Sparky' Hughes

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Bad hair, big ankles, brilliant goalscorer â€" that just about sums up Sparky.

How John Terry's nose will keep Theo Walcott's season going

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In a bizarre turn of events, John Terry's hooter has given Theo Walcott the opportunity to try to add to his impressive first goal for Arsenal. Terry did some serious damage to the ankle of Walcott's Arsenal team-mate Abou Diaby when he savagely threw himself nose-first at the midfielder.

The injury to Diaby - coupled no doubt with the fact that Arsene Wenger was reminded for the first time in a while why he paid Southampton £12 million for Walcott's services - means Arsenal will delay shoulder surgery on the 17-year-old.

Brokeback Chelsea: Frank Lampard and John Terry make a lovely couple

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I bet Frank is delighted that his bestest mate JT is feeling better. How would he cope without him?

Sticker Sunday

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It's that time again: Who Ate All The Pies' Sticker Sunday, it's by far the stickiest Sunday around. If you are collecting the Merlin's FA Premier League stickers, check out our Swap Shop to see if there's anything you fancy!

PACK 1
George McCartney (West Ham) Has a Kirk Douglas chin arse.

The Mark Viduka song, by Alistair Griffin

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'The baffled keeper can't stop Mark Viduka…' This tribute song to the rotund 'Boro/Aussie hitman, written and performed by singer-songwriter Alistair Griffin, is possibly the best football song I've heard since New Order's World in Motion, at least in terms of lyrics. It's a cover of Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen (and others, including Rufus Wainwright), and it's absolutely f**king brilliant.

Fantasy Friday: week 25 review

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With only two Premiership matches taking place this week there was about as much scoring in the Pies Fantasy Football League as a night on the pull with Cliff Richard. For this reason we might as well take this opportunity to tell you that Metro - the site we use for the Fantasy Football - has opened nominations for the Best of Brit Blogs Awards 2007.

Classic Moment: Jimmy Greaves tackles a dog at the 1962 World Cup

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Greavsie hypnotises a lovable little dog, which then pisses on his shirt. Simple.

Pies vs Lawro: Premiership & Carling Cup final predictions

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SATURDAY
Fulham v Man Utd
Lawro: 0-2
Pies: 1-1

Charlton v West Ham
Lawro: 2-1
Pies: 1-1

Liverpool v Sheffield Utd
Lawro: 2-0
Pies: 3-0

Middlesbrough v Reading
Lawro: 2-1
Pies: 3-2

Watford v Everton
Lawro: 1-1
Pies: 2-1

SUNDAY
Wigan v Newcastle
Lawro: 2-0
Pies: 1-1

Blackburn v Portsmouth
Lawro: 1-0
Pies: 2-0

Tottenham v Bolton
Lawro: 2-1
Pies: 3-2

CARLING CUP FINAL
Arsenal v Chelsea
Lawro: Who knows?

Ray Stubbs sings Peter N'Lurve

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We've already featured a fair bit of Fantasy Football on here, but there really doesn't need to be an excuse to post more. Check this video out, and watch Ray Stubbs singing Peter N'Lurve at the close. Genius.

[Mof Gimmers]

Pub debate: Is Cristiano Ronaldo getting to big for his shiny white boots?

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Following his substitution sulk against Lille and constant rumour-mongering about a move to Spain, do you think Sir Alex Ferguson will be tempted to cash-in on Cristiano Ronaldo this summer? Although it seems crazy to consider parting company with a 20-goals-a-season winger at the top of his game, Fergie does have an unusual habit of selling his best players - particularly when Old Trafford is in danger of needing yet another expansion just to fit their egos in.

Who Ate All The Pies? Not the Manchester United fans, that's for sure

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Manchester United fans are being urged to boycott the traditional half-time pie in protest at the inflated ticket prices they have to pay to attend away matches. The leaders of a campaign to cut ticket prices are telling fellow United fans not to spend any money at Fulham's Craven Cottage ground tomorrow.

World Cup stars to manage Father Ted footy sides

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Former Republic of Ireland strikers John Aldridge and Tony Cascarino have had their fair share of football honours. They've both competed at the highest level for club and country, starring in World Cups and FA Cup finals, but for the former hitmen, their biggest challenge is to come.

Cascarino and Aldridge are to vie for the honour of lifting the Craggy Cup!

Classic Moment: Jimmy Hill on Baddiel & Skinner's Fantasy Football

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I miss this show, even more than I miss Gladiators. Has Jimmy been drinking meths?

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Corinthians, Arsenal, Celta Vigo, Barcelona (current). Whose career?
2 Three Leicester City players were held by police on charges of sexual assault during a training camp in 2004. Name all three.
3 Picture round. Who's this, sporting a mini-mullet?

4 Who's the youngest ever player to score in the Premiership?

Vladimir Romanov is official a mentalist

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Vladimir Romanov may just be my favourite man in football. He's absolutely insane. By no means would I want him taking the reigns at a club I supported, but boy, he doesn't half make me piss my pants with laughter.

Romanov once released an insanely marvelous statement to the Scottish press, saying "I'm very glad that you finally got down from the trees and found a worthy place for yourself - a safari park.

THE VOTE Who is the better Alan – Pardew or Curbishley?

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Tomorrow, Charlton Athletic take on West Ham at the Valley. Normally pundits would be foaming about how it's a 'crucial six-pointer' but since there's a very good chance that both teams will go down whatever the result, that's taken as read.

Anyway, the question is: who do you think is the better manager? Alan Pardew has come out and said he will 'never agree' with the decision to boot him out of Upton Park.

Gazza to star in horror flick

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Gazza, G8, Paul Gascoigne... whatever you call him these days... has apparently agreed to appear in and turn his hand to producing new movie Final Run. Gazza will make his big-screen debut as a survivor of an alien invasion alongside the oh so very lovely Lois Winstone (daughter of Ray). According to production company SjB Imperial Film Ltd, he will play a character "forced to choose between his own survival and that of the human race.

Bowyer and Dyer knock seven bells out of each other

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With the Liverpool camp enlivened by a bit of swinging (of a golf club admittedly), it's worth looking back at another famous spat between team mates. There have been a few, but probably the best is the fine work of Lee Bowyer and Keiran Dyer who both earned themselves red cards after belting the crap out of each other on the pitch when Newcastle played Aston Villa.

Man City in takeover talks

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Manchester City have announced that they are in "preliminary discussions" with potential investors that may lead to an offer for the club. The Citizens have revealed that, before Christmas, they were seeking fresh investment in the club but today's acknowledgement that they are talking to "third parties" suggests that a bit of headway is being made since then.

John Fashanu on Celebrity Gladiators

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'John, you will go on my first whistle…' I miss Gladiators (can you believe how seriously people took it!).

THE VOTE Should Steve McClaren recall David Beckham to the England squad?

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What a crock of shit our national team is. If, heaven forbid, the England team was picked on merit, not reputation, we wouldn't be having this futile debate. We all know that England team selection has been a joke for years and that you'll struggle to pick up caps if you play for an unfashionable club â€" if Peter Crouch had stayed at Villa or Southampton, he wouldn't have got near the England squad, Then he moves to Liverpool â€" well he must be class if one of the Premiership's big four rate him â€" and, bang, he's in.

Ronaldinho horse statue for sale on eBay

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Spotted for sale on eBay (auction ends 28 Feb): one full-sized white statue of Ronaldinho, but imagined as a horse â€" it freaks me out a little, I must admit. I know that Ronnie has an impressive set of gnashers, but surely Ruud van Nistelrooy â€" football's ultimate horseface â€" would have made a better subject?

Proceeds from the auction, which currently stands at an impressive $25,000, will go to charity.

O'Herlihy & Dunphy > Lineker & Hansen (with YouTube evidence)

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Alan Ruddock's excellent piece in today's Guardian makes the point that football punditry in Britain has reached an all-time low. Ruddock bemoans the relentless blandness of Gary Lineker et al. and he is right to do so. As he points out, football fans are not 'morons' and deserve far better. In Ireland, football fans enjoy world-class punditry, in the form of RTE's Bill O'Herlihy (in the Lineker/Lynam anchor role), Eamon Dunphy (pictured), John Giles and Liam Brady.

Barcelona – great club, ghastly players

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As I said to my flatmate last night, I love Barca as a club â€" great fans, great history, the fact they refused to sully their shirt with a sponsor for so long etc. â€" but they have the most annoying players in the world:

Ronaldinho raises his chubby arms â€" is it me or is he putting on weight? â€" and asks for a foul whenever an opponent dares to try and tackle him, then when he loses the ball is too vain/tubby to track back.

And the award for most ironic scoresheet of the week goes to...

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After all the talk about Craig Bellamy's alleged golf club attack on John Arne Riise this week, perhaps it should come as no surprise that both players scored in an away win at Barcelona in the Champions League last night.

Whether Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez will be too pleased that Bellamy thought a golf swing celebration was the way to let the storm pass is doubtful, but he must be delighted with a 1-2 lead to take back to Anfield against the competition holders.

Vinnie Jones sings on Joss Stone's new album

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If you happened to be wondering what Vinnie Jones' current line of work is, it's apparently singing (again). The ex-Wimbledon hardman is featured on Joss Stone's latest installment of aspartame-coated soul. Vinnie introduces the album with a little speech before sharing vocals with Stone on a hidden track.

Did sulky Cristiano Ronaldo injure himself in his substitution stomp?

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Cristiano Ronaldo is reportedly a doubt for Manchester United's match against Fulham on Saturday - because he injured his foot while sulking about being substituted. The in-form Portuguese international has been photographed wearing a foot cast, sparking rumours that the damage was done by kicking water bottles as he stormed off the pitch against Lille on Tuesday night.

Kit Parade: Porto

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Jose Mourinho goes head-to-head with former club Porto tonight (Sky Sports Xtra/Sky Sports HD 2, 7.45pm) in the Champions League. The Portuguese champions will be wearing this blue and white number. Thick stripes are v

Dive of the week: Alberto Gilardino, Celtic vs AC Milan

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Full marks to Gilardino for style, but no marks at all for timing (taken from last night's Celtic v Milan snooze-fest).

David Beckham's Photoshop School: Holloway vs badger

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Hey everybody and welcome to David Beckham's Photoshop School! - it's just like my Soccer Schools, but helping talented young kids to develop their Photoshop skills. This week, I've Photoshopped Ian Holloway's head onto the body of a ba

WAG of the week: Manuela Arcuri

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Name Manuela ArcuriNationality ItalianWAG of… Francesco Coco, a 30-year-old Italian defender (left-back, to be precise) who plays for Inter Milan â€" although he'

Phil Dowd, definitely not on Paul Jewell's Xmas card list

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Just leave it Paul, he's not worth it… Wigan Athletic manager Paul Jewell has claimed, in the Daily Mail, that a Premiership club asked not to have referee Phil Dowd in charge of their games: 'We can't as a club

Hardest and fastest goal in history?

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Over at The Guardian, they've been arguing the toss about the fastest goal ever scored. By that, they mean hardest in mph. Well, after a couple of weeks of debate, they seem to have found the most blistering goal ever. No, it's not Obi Martins

Cult Hero - Steve Bull

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As a youth, Steve Bull was the bane of my life. Back in the old 4th division, I recall Steve Bull (and his striking partner Andy Mutch) tearing my beloved Bolton Wanderers apart with poise and, pardon the pun, bullishness and great ten

THE VOTE How should Uefa punish Lille?

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I'm sure we're all agreed that Lille should be punished in some way for their part in last night's Champions League tie with Man Utd. Neither their players, coaching staff, fans or the authorities at the ground (which was actually Len's

5 Conclusions: Lille 0-1 Manchester United

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1 A threat of industrial action and Red Nev barely involved. What's that about then?2 Lille were the better team on the whole, but threatening to walk off the pitch is always going to steal the headlines from howev

Nike Parklife advert

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This classic advert for Nike from the 1990s shows the likes of Eric Cantona, Robbie Fowler and Ian Wright plying their trade at grassroots level on Hackney Marshes.

[Rob Parker]

Glenn Roeder's Championship creche to open for business later this year

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Newcastle manager Glenn Roeder is not content with his second career as a policeman and is offering his childminding services to various Championship managers. Roeder is scouring England's second-tier and hoping to snap up any half-decent youngster

10 Football bad boys

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With Craig Bellamy adding an extra layer of tarnish to his reputation this week by taking to John Arne Riise the business end of a six-iron, Pies looks at some of football's greate

Watford fans to stick with lucky carrots for away matches?

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It has been a while since we dropped in on Watford blog site BHappy's Five-a-day away days. Basically for each away match the boys at BHappy choose a fruit or vegetable to smuggle into the opposition's ground.<

Kit Parade: Lille

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Lille will play host to Manchester United in the Champions League tonight. And if you put your money on red this evening it will be the casino-sponsored French outfit rather than the Red Devils you are

HolloWatch: Ian Holloway's reaction to the FA Cup draw

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"We are a banana skin left in this competition," declared Ian Holloway after seeing his Plymouth side drawn at home to Watford in the FA Cup quarter finals. If there are any managers out there wondering how to cope with a cup run, remember: i

The Guardian loves Pies

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Pop the champers kiddies because someone likes Pies. No, we're not talking about Wigan folk, but esteemed news rag, The Guardian. The Guardian's Guide supplement at the weekend referred to WhoAteAllThePies as "Pie ingredients include news,

Phil Neville is shit, says Nicky Hunt

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Irony. Not something that footballers are great at spotting. Want an example? Well, here is Bolton Wanderers right-back Nicky Hunt offering forthright views on Phil 'Newly Hatched Bird' Neville.

[Mof Gimmers]

Benitez fines squad

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With some people saying "It's all lies. I'd be more ashamed to believe it than anything. If you could conjure up an eyewitness report or a police record, that'd be great" about the Craig Bellamy story on these very pages, it's

Crap celebration for an offside goal anyone?

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This is one of the most unintentionally funny things I've seen at a football match in ages.

[Mof Gimmers]

FA Cup Quarter Final Draw

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So the Quarter Final draw has been made for the FA Cup and the big guns have been kept apart once more.

Middlesbrough or West Brom v Manchester United or Reading Arsenal or Blackburn v Manchester City Chelsea v Tottenham Plymouth v Watfor

Did Craig Bellamy attack Riise with a golf club?

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Is Craig Bellamy the dimmest man on the face of the earth? His move to Liverpool was a slightly risky one on Rafa's part, but we can all presume that he thought Bellamy may pull his finger out and keep his head down as his stint at Liverpool would pro

Footy Fights Vid

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With Craig Bellmay yelling 'FORE!' at John Arne Riise's shins, it worth having a look at some on pitch fighting...

Adrian Chiles and co get sent poo in the post

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Match of the Day 2 presenter Adrian Chiles has confirmed that he is one of a number of BBC employers who have been sent soiled toilet paper in the post. According to The Sun, 'police are investigating a string of packages posted to some of broadca

There's only one John Terry... for now!

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England's kit manufacturers Umbro are looking for an army of John Terrys to take part in the launch of their five-a-side tournament. The firm is looking for namesakes of the England skipper to feature in the opening of the inaugural Umbro Fives at Wem

Pies vs Lawro, FA Cup fifth-round predictions: THE RESULT

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SATURDAYArsenal v BlackburnLawro: 2-0Pies: 1-1Actual: 0-0

Chelsea v NorwichLawro: 3-0Pies: 2-0Actual: 4-0

More below…

Middlesbrough v West Brom Lawro: 2-1 Pies: 1-0Actual: 2-2

Plymouth v Derby  Lawro: 1-1 Pies: 1-2

Treat yourself to a World Cup final goal net

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If you have the best part of £5,000 to throw around you could erm... invest in a genuine World Cup final net. The net (modelled here by Gianluigi Buffon - or at least there's a 50 per cent chance it's being modelled here by Gianluigi Buffon) is being

Riise and Bellamy kiss & make up

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This recent photo, courtesy of Liverpool's official website, proves, beyond any doubt, that the alleged Riise/Bellamy karaoke incident is a drizzle in a teacup. Look how happy they are!

Sticker Sunday

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Welcome to Who Ate All The Pies: probably the only football website breaking the Sabbath to bring you the best Merlin FA Premier League sticker action around!

PACK 1Steven Taylor (Newcastle) Magpies centre-back with the moustache of a 12-year-ol

Good weekend, bad weekend

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Good weekendTony Mowbray Took his West Brom side to his old stomping ground at Middlesbrough and emerged with a replay.Reading Reserves Held Manchester United B to a draw at Old Trafford.Plymouth Booked a place in the quarter-finals with victory over

David Beckham gets sent off for Real Madrid against Real Betis

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David Beckham's glorious return to the Real Madrid first-team suffered a reality hit when he was sent-off in their match against Real Betis. Becks received a straight red card for a scything challenge on Isidoro. The Bernabeu faithful seemed to unders

HolloWatch: 'If I was offered the Man Utd job, I'd turn it down and stay at Plymouth Argyle'

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Plenty of good stuff in Ian Holloway's latest column for the BBC Sport website. What struck me most was Ollie's claim that if Fergie left Man Yoo and offered him the hot seat at Old Trafford, he'd say no and stay at Home Park: ' I'd stay at Argyle,'

Classic Moments: Gianfranco Zola's cheeky flick against Norwich, 2002

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Tomorrow's FA Cup fifth round ties include Chelsea against Norwich at Stamford Bridge, so it seems a good excuse to look back to when the sides met in a third round replay five years ago. Gianfranco Zola's between-the-legs flick from Graeme Le Saux's

Pies vs Lawro, FA Cup fifth-round predictions

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Come on Lawro, where are you? Where ARE YOU? Let's be having you!

SATURDAYArsenal v BlackburnLawro: 2-0Pies: 1-1

Chelsea v NorwichLawro: 3-0Pies: 2-0

Continues after the jump…

Middlesbrough v West Brom Lawro: 2-1 P

Emre in race row again

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The FA are to launch a second investigation into claims that Newcastle midfielder Emre used racist language. A newspaper report today alleged the  Turkey international, who has already been charged by the FA with using racially-aggravated

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 RC Strasbourg, Everton, RC Lens, Leeds Utd, AS Roma, Inter Milan (current). Whose career path?2 Who was the best man at David Beckham's wedding?3 Picture round: Who's the cat in the hat? 4 What do Old Carthusians, Derby County, Royal Engineers, Le

Combover king Ralph Coates scores a cracker!

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Ralph Coates, formerly of Spurs and Leyton Orient was the king of the combover. He rivalled Bobby Charlton, not only in the barnet department, but also on the pitch. What this cracking goal he scored for the O's and also, watch what happens when Mark

The Queen in Arsenal 'international' jibe

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The Queen noted the lack of English players as she hosted the Arsenal squad for tea at Buckingham Palace. The Gunners were invited for a cuppa after the Queen had to pull out of a visit to the Emirates Stadium earlier this season. As Thierry Henry int

Bolivian footballer sacked for naked press conference

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A footballer in Bolivia has been sacked by his club after conducting a press conference in the nude. Alex Da Rosa, a naturalised Brazilian, was fired by his club Blooming for the prank. Da Rosa and three team-mates were supposed to be apologising afte

Fantasy Friday: week 24 review

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The latest round of Fantasy Football scoring had about as much impact on the league table as an Alan Curbishley team-talk seems to have on his failing West Ham side. And with slim pickings available this week due to FA Cup fixtures expect a similar st

One to watch: Emile Mpenza

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Manchester City have taken Belgian striker Emile Mpenza on trial. The 28-year-old scored in a practice match against Blackpool last night. The former Schalke and Hamburg player most recently played in Qatar but has now ended his contact with Al Rayyan

Thierry Henry skills video

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Terence Henry has come in for a lot of stick in recent weeks, not least from Pies. This video, posted on YouTube recently, reminds us why we loved him in the first place. Thierry, all is forgiven (well, perhaps not your stupid dance) – can we be fri

Mark 'Sat-Nav' Lawrenson gives directions to Preston during commentary

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Co-commentator and keen amateur geographer Mark Lawrenson chose last night's frantic FA Cup tie between Bolton and Arsenal to pull up commentator Guy Mowbray on his limited knowledge of northern motorways!

Following Gilberto's skied second ha

Platini wants two refs

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Michel 'Mental' Platini, once one of the greatest players in the universe has failed to impress me with his ideas to make football more beautiful as UEFA President. He's already said that he'd like a limit of three Champions League places per countr

Glenn Hoddle showreel

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It's hard to recall an English player that is as naturally gifted as Glenn Hoddle. He could do just about anything with a ball, and in the eighties, when this was a rarity, he was a delight to watch. Inside the 18-yard box he was lethal... and was twi

Italy topple Brazil in Fifa's international power rankings

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Italy, the current world champions, have toppled Brazil at the top of the (useless) Fifa world rankings. It's the first time since 1993 that the Italians have claimed the top spot, with Brazil slipping to second after more than four years at number

Classic Moments: 1999 FA Cup semi-final, Man Utd v Arsenal

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Last night's thrilling Bolton v Arsenal FA Cup game put me in mind of this epic encounter, one of the most dramatic football games ever played on a British ground (Villa Park, in this case)…

Message to Big Sam: Oh do shut up

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In the wake of Bolton's 3-1 defeat by Arsenal last night, Sam Allardyce couldn't resist having a pop at referee Chris Foy: 'There were three bookings in the game and somehow, Tal [Ben Haim] has picked up two of them,' Sam said.

'I appreciate

England reduce friendlies

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In what seems like a move in damage limitation, England have scaled down their schedule of friendly matches from 20 to 18 over the four-year period from 2008. Steve 'Malcolm' McClaren had made it clear that he was in favour of scrapping some in favou

Steve 'Blockbuster' McClaren sends out DVDs to his England no-hopers

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England boss Steve McClaren has sent out DVDs to all of his team to point out where they went wrong during last week's defeat to Spain. McClaren and assistant Steve Round have compiled individual DVDs for each player showing how they were partly accou

Kit Parade: Zulte Waregem

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Belgian outfit Zulte Waregem are Newcastle's opponents in the Uefa Cup tonight. Expect them to take to the pitch in this white with red and green trim shirt. Click here to buy it from the official website.

Click here to see them in action agai

Two finalists in the LA Galaxy X Factor trial extravaganza

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Remember LA Galaxy's open trials to fund David Beckham's wages with money paid by deluded twentysomethings attract new talent to the club? Well, as if the Beckham media circus wasn't enough reality TV for the club they now seem to be setting up an X

Kit Parade: Bayer Leverkusen

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Blackburn's Uefa Cup opponents Bayer Leverkusen favour this little red number from the house of Adidas. The kit is similar in style to the Germany national kit. The hand that appears to be groping the wearer's left breast belongs to energy company RWE

Was Barton's 'stamp' intentional?

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What does everyone make of the latest incident dogging Joey Barton? Man City gaffer Stuart Pearce reckons that the situation is becoming a "witch-hunt", with allegations and finger wagging come from all at Pompey.

Twitcher Redknapp c

Catania suspended from stadium

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Catania have been ordered to play the remainder of their home games at neutral venues this season after their Massimino stadium was shut down. Italian Judge, Gianpaolo Tosel, gave the ban and stated that the Sicilian club's responsiblity for the vio

Eto'o kicks up a stink and hints to Arsenal move

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Before I start, I'll apologize to Football365 for blatantly pinching an article from their site. Anyway, on with the news. Samuel Eto'o is a very unhappy man. The world saw Eto'o going mental with the Spanish press after a dispute with Barca manage

Ronaldo's debut for AC Milan, vs Livorno: the video

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As James Richardson wrote on the Guardian's sport blog last month, at just £4m Ronaldo is a bit of a bargain. This video tells the story of Ron's recent debut for Milan. He came on as a sub against Livorno and looked pretty sharp, without finding the

Blog of the week: Chelsea Blog

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Piesfolk, can you guess what the Chelsea Football Club Blog is all about? Yes, you're bang on, it's a blog about Chelsea Football Club. Don't let the arrow-straight name put you off though. Established in early 2004, this is a well-written, insightfu

Scott Carson to be the new Jens Lehmann?

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The Daily Telegraph has reported that Arsenal are set to make a £5m summer bid for Liverpool goalkeeper Scott Carson, who is currently on loan at Charlton.

'[Rafa] Benitez's unswerving backing for [Pepe] Reina, plus the January loan signing

A compilation of goal celebrations (before FIFA ban them all)

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FIFA is apparently planning yet another clampdown on goal celebrations, which could see tighter restrictions such controversial activities as somersaults, removing the shirt and, erm, ear-cupping! Make the most of these beautiful celebrations while yo

Enjoy one of the worst misses of all time…

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Yes, it's a cliche, but this really was easier to score than miss. From a Mexican league game, we think (could be very wrong though), and first spotted on The Offside.

THE VOTE Should footballers and managers be allowed to swear at the referee?

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Wigan boss Paul Jewell has announced he will contest a foul and abusive language charge by alleging that referee Phil Dowd is partial to a bit of cursing himself. Jewell will face the FA armed with statements from six of his players claiming that Dow

Big Sam Allardyce has a pop at time-wasting Arsene Wenger

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The Arsene Wenger/Thierry Henry/Paul Jewell/Phil Dowd/Chris Kirkland/Mad Jens saga continues to run. Big Sam Allardyce (seen here with a couple of members of the Bolton coaching staff) has hit back at Wenger's time-wasting jibes by claiming Arsenal a

Goal of the month (global style)

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This compilation selects some of the best goals from around the world from January. Any favourites, Pies fans?

[Via 101Greatgoals, Rob Parker]

Chelsea plan a holiday to China to make up for the bad pitch, broken jaws etc

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Chelsea have announced they are to tour China next summer. The trip is seen as an opportunity to increase the Blues' Asian fanbase and attract young Chinese talent to Stamford Bridge. The tour is the latest stage in the Premiership champions' partners

Zinedine Zidane's Top 10 Goals

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The boy's a bit special – he was capable of scoring any type of goal in the book. [As aired on Real Madrid TV]

THE VOTE Who's the best ref in the Premiership?

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Rent-a-quote Jeff Winter has emerged from the woodwork to denounce the standard of refereeing in the Premiership. Thanks for that Jeff – we remember you fondly, too. To be fair, Winter praises Howard Webb and Mark Clattenburg (pictured), the two of

HEAD TO HEAD Steve Staunton vs Steve McClaren

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Hmm, this is a tricky one. After all, they're both gingers and both called Steve. Oh, and they're both rubbish managers. Most Irish fans seem to think that Staunton is a total eejut, while I've yet to meet an England supporter who rates McClaren in

Aidy Boothroyd rocks

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At first, I wasn't convinced by Aidy Boothroyd. Maybe it was the silly yellow tie/black shirt combo, which made him look like a wacky snooker player. Either that or his relentless, 'can-do' positivity. We're not used to such attitudes from managers â

QPR suspend assistant manager after brawl

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QPR's assistant manager, Richard Hill, has been suspended "until further notice" following the brawl during a training match against China's Olympic team. China player Zheng Tao suffered a broken jaw during the incident at QPR's training gr

Wee Gordon Strachan in 1977

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Gordon Strachan was a tenacious and tricky little player in his day... little being the operative word. Before days of winning the Cup Winners Cup with Aberdeen, and spells at Leeds and ManYoo, the wee man was a rising star at Dundee. Watch him tear a

Milan goes to Leicester

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After a certain amount of dilly-dallying, Milan Mandaric has finally completed his takeover of Leicester City, following shareholders' acceptance of his offer. Mandaric's bid is believed to be in the region of £25m. Having seen what Mandaric did dur

Wigan? Boo-stinkin'-Hoo.

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Is it me, or is anyone else annoyed with the mewing coming from Wigan at the minute? It's all 'boo-hoo, we're so hard done to...'. Admittedly, Wigan were unlucky against Arsenal at the weekend, what with penalty decisionsnot going their way, a refere

Iron Maiden star Bruce Dickenson flies Rangers to Israel

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Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickenson was the pilot as Rangers flew to Israel for their Uefa Cup tie with Hapoel Tel Aviv. And this wasn't some cheap publicity stunt - Dickenson is a qualified commercial pilot and regularly flies for charter airline As

One to watch: Dan Gosling

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Young Plymouth Argyle right-back Dan Gosling has made the papers this morning amid rumours that Jose Mourinho is staring longingly towards Home Park and wishing he could sneak the transfer window back open.

Gosling signed his first profession

THE VOTE Was Henry right to goad Chris Kirkland?

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Thierry Henry is not very popular right now, after a couple of incidents during Arsenal's jammy 2-1 win against plucky Wigan. Not only did Henry dive in the box, he also gloated in the face of Wigan keeper Chris Kirkland (who had, admittedly yet unde

Goal! 2 trailer

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In which our talented hero, Santiago, gets a transfer from Newcastle Utd to Real Madrid. Not so much a film, more of a massive advert for adidas, but, still, it's probably better than most football-themed movies.

Andrei Kanchelskis hangs up his twinkle toes

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Former Manchester United winger and all round twinkle toes Andrei Kanchelskis has decided to retire from football. Kanchelskis, now 38-years-old, said: "You need to leave at the right time. Now seems a suitable moment to begin a new chapter

Kit Parade: Ronaldo 99 AC Milan shirt

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AC Milan's new signing Ronaldo made his debut in front of a half-empty San Siro yesterday. The man we quite cruelly dubbed Rotundo during last summer's World Cup came close to scoring against Livorno in his brand spanking new number 99 shirt. The shir

Bayern Munich's Allianz Arena

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Bayern Munich's Olympiastadion was, and is, one of my favourite stadiums. It featured a striking design that had a glass roof which looked like some kind of futuristic spider's web. Well, with Bayern moving to a new ground, they were already having to

THE VOTE Did Thierry Henry dive against Wigan?

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Of course he did… va va voom - more like va va cheating twat.

Premiership team of the weekend

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GoalkeeperBen Foster (Watford) Surely England's No.1 at the moment

DefencePatrice Evra (Man Utd) Keeping Gabi Heinze out with a string of dynamic displaysPhil Jagielka (Sheff Utd) Having a storming seasonOguchi Onyewu (Newcastle) Proving his

Beckham's star power already evident – 800 hopefuls turn up for LA Galaxy trials

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This weekend, some 800 young footballers turned up on for trials with the LA Galaxy. The players came from all around the globe, all of them desperate for a chance to play on the same team as David Beckham.

Alexi Lalas, the Galaxy's

Good weekend, bad weekend

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Good weekendWatford A first Premiership away win since 1999 and at West Ham too. Priceless.Darius Henderson Played 30, scored 1. The perfect time for the Hornets striker to break his duck.Sheffield United Find themselves in 15th after a home win again

Serie A is back, but without some of the fans

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Italian football returned yesterday following the death of a policeman at the match between Catania and Palermo last week. Four fixtures were played behind closed doors and tight restrictions were in place at other matches. Milan's match at the San Si

David Beckham scores on Real Madrid return

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Almost inevitably, David Beckham scored on his return to the Real Madrid starting lineup following Fabio Capello's U-turn over his prospects for the rest of the season. The Real coach went back on his vow to never play Beckham again before his move to

Northern Ireland left without a roof over their heads

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Northern Ireland could play their home fixtures in England or Scotland from now on unless the government agrees to repair the roof of Windsor Park. Although a Euro 2008 qualifier against Sweden will go ahead as planned, the Irish FA has been told that

Can we hold a World Cup please? Yours, England

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Now, this is sneaky. The government have spotted that our beloved English national side is so lacklustre that the only chance we'll have of qualifying in the future is if we get through automatically as hosts.

The English FA has yet to announ

Sticker Sunday

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Time for the latest installment of Sticker Sunday. Remember: all Pies' sticker backs and empty packets are recycled and very few stickers are tested on animals before going in the album.

PACK 1Alan Smith (Manchester United) Physio fodder with s

Oswaldo Sanchez attempts to slide tackle Eddie Johnson (while he celebrates a goal!!!)

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Two for the price of one here: a bizarre football moment and US commentary (USA up one-love!). Does it get any better than that?! Mexico goalkeeper Oswaldo Sanchez makes a bit of a lunge at USA striker Eddie Johnson as he celebrates his side's second

Tottenham UEFA bye confirmed

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Spurs' bye into the last 16 of the Uefa Cup has been confirmed after Feyenoord lost their appeal against being kicked out of the competition. The Dutch club were expelled and fined £41,000 by Uefa following crowd trouble against French side

Sheffield United get game abondoned

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Does this ring any bells? Sheffield United bring sub on, and sub gets sent off seconds after coming on the pitch? Well, if you thought the Keith Gillespie incident was farcical, wait until you see this. Match abondoned, three sent off, some terrifying

Fantasy Friday: week 23 review

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Following England's disappointing defeat to Spain, the Pies Fantasy Football League managers will be out to prove there are plenty of other average club managers prepared to take on the job should Steve McClaren get the push.

Fantasy Friday: wee

HolloWatch: Ian shares his thoughts on American takeovers

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In his weekly BBC Sport column, Ian Holloway has been giving his opinion (of course!) on the current trend for takeovers of Premier League teams by American tycoons. He said: "If their money speaks and they don't interfere with the manager's deci

Beckham gets Real recall

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David Beckham has been recalled to Real Madrid's squad for the game against Real Sociedad in La Liga on Saturday, according to Spanish national radio. Fabio Capello had previously stated that Beckham would never play for the Galacticos again after ag

Stan Collymore stars in BBC's The Verdict

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Former England striker Stan Collymore is one of the celebrity jurors in a mock trial to be shown on BBC Two from Sunday night. The Verdict is a four-part series which will see the jury in court and deliberating over the fictional trial of a footballe

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Crewe Alexandra, West Brom, Leeds United, Sheffield United (current). Whose career?2 They used to play at the Manor Ground. Half a point for naming club and half a point for naming the new stadium.3 Picture round. Who is this?

4 Name the th

Queen's Park Rangers brawl with China

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There's a headline I thought I'd never write! Last night's match between QPR and China's Olympic squad was abandoned after a brawl in which the international side's Zheng Tao was knocked unconcious. He reportedly suffered two cracks in his jaw and los

Moritz Volz's Hoff boots sell for £295

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Moritz Volz's Nike boots embroidered with 'The Hoff' have sold for £295 at auction. The boots boasted a 100 per cent strike rate as they were only worn in Fulham's 1-1 draw with Aston Villa when Volzy was on the scoresheet. Stick here to see what els

Sunderland and Fulham try to play in the snow

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A bit of snow today means the UK has all but ground to a halt. Here is a video of last season's abandoned match between Sunderland and Fulham when it appeared to be raining snowballs. This is dedicated to all the hardy Pies readers who could have made

10 Conclusions: England 0-1 Spain

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1 I should have switched the TV off after the first three minutes. England's exciting attacking play stopped shortly after this.
2 The new England kit really is awful.
3 Peter Crouch cannot play up front by himself. He was impressive in hol

Hollywood superstar Steve McManaman talks about Goal! 2

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Football film Goal! 2 hits UK cinemas on Friday. In anticipation the film's 'associate producer' (snigger) Steve McManaman has been talking about his input to cinematic history. He said: "I tried to help out reall

Betting guide: England v Spain

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Stevie Mac takes England into battle against Spain tonight with Stevie G as his skipper. Watford keeper Ben Foster makes his England debut, but of more concern than Foster's inexperience is the fact that the Neville brothers start together for the firs

England's in famous last meeting with Spain, 2004

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Ahead of tonight's England v Spain match we look back at the last time the two teams met. It was the heated 'friendly' at the Bernabeu in which Ashley Cole and Shaun Wright Phillips were subjected to r

Ball boy attacks goalkeeper with an iron bar

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Yes, of course it's Brazil! Where else could it possibly be? Remember the cheeky young scamp of a ball boy who scored a goal? Well he has now been outdone in the bad ball boy stakes by this Comercial ball boy. He got into an argument w

Cristiano Ronaldo picks up a speeding fine

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Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo has received a £1,000 speeding fine and had six points put on his licence. The punishment came from Manchester Magistrates' Court rather than Tottenham left-back Lee Young-Py

Liverpool fans one year ago

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I know it's a cheap gag, but I couldn't resist. Surely the Liverpool fans must be a little embarrassed by all this takeover business?

Highlights of Portugal v Brazil

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Obviously, the Portugese and the Brazilians are linked historically, so obviously, there was a decent bit of rivalry between the two sides when they met last night at Arsenal's Emirates Stadium. The game was won 2-0 by the Portugal side who were captai

American tycoons complete Liverpool takeover: what the bloggers say

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Hopefully, a bright and red future ahead of us. I shall reserve my comment to later and not jump to conclusion. But it is exciting times indeed. [The Red Cauldron]
Liverpool, with a proposed new stadium and increased transfer fun

Kit Parade: Lithuania

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One of the more unusual ties thrown up by this week's round of international friendlies is Lithuania versus Mali. If you are a collector of obscure football shirts or simply a Hearts fan, you might lik

Impressive scorpion goal - Rene Higuita eat your heart out!

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From now on when you hear a commentator say 'To be fair, the ball was played behind him,' remember that shouldn't be an excuse! Do any of our Pies field operatives now where and when this goal was scored?

[Rob

Is Jose Mourinho the new Ian Holloway?

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If this quote was unattributed I would have put good money on it being the latest post-match comment / bizarre analogy to be uttered from the mouth of 'Sir' Ian Holloway. However, closer inspection reveals that it is Jose Mouri

Injuries change the face of the England squad

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Steve 'Malcolm' McClaren plans to use the 4-3-3 formation that was used against Holland in the 1-1 draw in November. However, he might have a bit of a problem with Wayne Rooney looking crocked.

His other options look a bit ropey to

Torres fancies Arsenal?

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It's enough to make you sick. Spanish wonderboy, Fernando Torres is saying that, should he move to England, he fancies Arsenal. Imagine it. Torres, Fabregas, Van Persie... oh, and that Thierry Henry chap. They would officially be the most attractive fo

Italian football to restart on Sunday?

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Italian football could restart on Sunday, according to Luca Pancalli, commissioner of the Italian Federation. Serie A and B clubs meet on Tuesday to discuss the government proposal of closing stadia deemed unsafe to fans. The move follows th

Pregnant woman ditches maternity ward for cup final

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A pregnant woman in the United Arab Emirates left a maternity ward after discovering it had no television on which she could watch the Gulf Cup final between UAE and Oman. The woman reportedly told staff: "I shall

England's new kit is rubbish

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Ladies and Gents, let Pies be the first to pass judgement on the new England home shirt.

It's shit.

This really is the worst England shirt that Pies have ever seen, and can only hope that this is some terrible mistake.

Manuel Negrete's wonder goal in Mexico '86

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I can't believe that this hasn't been featured on Pies before as it is my favourite goal ever. Mexico '86 was my first World Cup proper, and the first goal to make my eyes pop out was this wonderful strike by Mexico's Manuel Ne

Horror Hair: Carlos Valderrama

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There was only so long we could continue our Ginger Afro series without resorting to the glaringly obvious. It is, of course, the man with arguably the greatest afro of all time never mind ginger afro: Carlos Valderrama. The Colombian'

The next Cristiano Ronaldo?

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He's got the dribbles and the dives!

Boli and Waddle rap

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Basile Boli and Chris Waddle played together in the rampant Marseille side of the early ninties. They also recorded a rap record together. Watch, and cry your unbelieving eyeballs out. It's actually worse than Diamond Lights.

[Mof Gimmers]

Italian football to be played behind closed doors?

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With the Italian Olympic Committee (CONI) meeting the government on Monday to decide when Italian football resumes after hooligans killed an Italian policeman. All weekend matches, as well as an international against Romania, were cancelled. The meeti

What's wrong with Rafa Benitez saying Everton are a small club?

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Rafa Benitez referred to Everton as a small club at the weekend and it ruffled some feathers.  The Spaniard said after Saturday's 0-0 Merseyside derby: "When you play against the smaller teams at Anfield you know the game will be narrow." E

THE VOTE Is the Adebayor-Henry dance the most annoying goal celebration of all time?

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For God's sake, what's wrong with a frickin' handshake or even a manly hug? They're practically rubbing cocks.

Is it worrying that John O'Shea is a better goalkeeper than a defender or midfielder?

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Sir Alex Ferguson now has a valid reason not to flog John O'Shea to a lower league club: he can be Manchester United's reserve keeper! Man Yoo fans were treated to O'Shea's finest display in a United s

Good weekend, bad weekend

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Good weekend
Wigan Gave themselves some breathing space from the relegation zone with a priceless win at home to Portsmouth.
Cristiano Ronaldo On top form yet again. The man who always lacked that final ball

Michael Ballack bites the bullet and steps onto the housing ladder!

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Back in September we told you that Michael Ballack was having a whinge (shocking, we know) about the cost of houses in Britain. The Chelsea midfielder refused to pay £4 million for a mansion in Surrey he had his on ey

Sticker Sunday

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It's Sunday, which means it must be time for the our alliterative attempt to complete Merlin's FA Premier League Official Sticker Collection: it's Sticker Sunday of course!

PACK 1
Ja

Now That's What I Call A Merseyside Derby

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Let's hope today's Liverpool v Everton clash is as entertaining as this…

Steve McClaren's England squad of peace and harmony

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1 "I wouldn't be like Lampard or Gerrard, who are superstars at their clubs and want the limelight when they play for England. If there were two balls on the pitch, then I think England would be successful but, th

Fantasy Friday: week 22 review

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Like poorly paid cokeheads with a Wednesday payday, most of the Pies Fantasy Football League managers' scoring was done midweek for Week 22. FA Cup fourth round matches meant no Premiership football last weekend, but normal service was

Ariel Ortega's Top 10 Chips

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What a great little player. Do you want fish with that?

The Fiendish Friday Quiz

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1 Viking, Everton, Besiktas, Sunderland, Fredrikstad, Charlton Athletic (current). Whose career?
2 Which Premiership manager's middle name is 'Cornelis'?
3 Picture round. Who dis (click to en

Blog of the Week: Du Nord

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Du Nord, an American soccer blog (as opposed to an American football blog, which would just be as confusing as hell, especially with the Super Bowl taking place in Miami this weekend), is like some almighty, all-seeing, football-shaped eye. No piece o

Classic Moment: Peter Crouch rapping in club

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One of Pies' all-time favourite moments! A worse for wear Peter Crouch sings along to Ini Kamoze's Here Comes The Hotstepper before posing for a photo (seemingly unaware that he was being filmed all the while!).

<

Cult Hero: Socrates – the coolest player of all time?

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Socrates Brasileiro Sampaio de Souza Vieira de Oliveira is arguably the coolest footballer of all time. He had the coolest name, the coolest beard, the coolest national team… he was just damn cool. And he could play a bit, too. If you can name a cool

Atletico Madrid's Sergio Aguera can't sing

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Aguera has all the stage presence of a Marshall amp – less, if that's possible. His voice is hardly fit for karaoke, let alone Spanish television.

Pies vs Lawro, Premiership Predictions

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SATURDAY
Liverpool v Everton
Lawro says: 2-0
Pies says: 2-0

Aston Villa v West Ham
Lawro says: 2-1
Pies says: 3-2

Classic Moment: Harry Redknapp gets hit by a ball during a TV interview. Bad idea…

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'No wonder he's in the f**king reserves…' Harry doesn't look best-pleased, does he?

Capello vs Guti, a galactic clash of the egos

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This awkward translation into English of a Spanish web article detailing the spat between Real Madrid coach Fabio Capello and Guti, reads like heavy James Joyce. I get the picture though, and the picture tells me that Real Madrid is one f**ed-up club:

THE VOTE What did you think when Ashley Cole bust his knee?

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a) Serves you right, you money-grabbing c**t.
b) Poor Ash, that looks like a season-ending injury.

Is Arsene Wenger a genius?

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When Arsene isn't whining about fixture a pile-up, slapping Alan Pardew like a girl or failing to see a misdemeanour by one of his own players, he's being a complete genius. As his second string Arsenal side brushed off the challenge of a strong Spurs

Tories in favour of terraces?

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For many, football has become a little stale since the introduction of seats. Obviously, since the introduction of all seaters stadium, football has been a lot safer, and more pleasant for families when attending matches. However, one of the major dra

Notts Forest vrs Luton: League Cup Final 1989

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With the League Cup Final places being decided last night, I thought I'd have a look for an old classic final. Pick of the punch was a cracking final between Luton Town and Notts Forest in 1989. There's a whole host of horror haircuts in this clip with

Blackburn's Ryan Nelsen gets his arse drilled

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Blackburn Rovers skipper Ryan Nelsen has revealed that only allowing a surgeon to take a drill to his backside put an end to his nine-month injury layoff. In what sounds like a fairly gruesome procedure, the 29-year-ol

Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez takes a tumble

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The Liverpool manager shows why most footballers favour footwear with studs as he takes a tumble in last night's 1-2 victory over West Ham!

[Rob Parker]

Horror Hair: Alexi Lalas

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Our mission to collate football's finest collection of ginger afros continues with Alexi Lalas. The former USA international found time for a bit of a ginger afro when he wasn't in his long hair/headband rocker stage. And look at him n