None of these men are Jose P, amateur futbal sala player (futsal) and member of the Penya Sang Cule (FC Barcelona supporters group), prior to a huge piece of wood getting stuck in his thigh. Rather, we went with a random photo found whilst Googling "futsal" in order to spare those readers of ours who are of faint heart or body from seeing what's next.

People, please! Form an orderly queue for a glimpse of the hawt. Images: Alex Livesey/Getty Images Europe.

Dear Sir,

We don't blame you for handcuffing yourself to a goalpost during the first half of Everton's 1-0 victory over Manchester City in the EPL last night. Many have mocked you, but we often find it hard to resist the magnetic power of Joe Hart as well.

Jose haz a sad. Image via Jasper Juinen/Getty Images Europe; Denis Doyle/Getty Images Europe.

Like a lot of you, we've noticed that The Special One's dress sense has gone from GQMF to WTF. Case and point: to sweat out Wednesday night's El Clasico, Jose wore track pants, a hoodie, and a puffer vest.

Oh it's happening, Kickettes. And it will be starring a real live WAG.

Jessica Lawlor, girlfriend of Aston Villa's Stephen Ireland confirmed on Twitter this morning that she will have a role in WAG! The Musical. Jess added,

In my role I am simply making fun out of the pre conception that ppl have formed of 'WAGS'.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Wazza, Gary Neville, Michael Owen and Tom Cleverley are the latest in a long line of 'ballers befuddled by the diminutive magician's awe-inspiring sleight of hand.

No, we have no idea how he does it either.

Think you're up on the (sometimes un)polished pearls of WAG wisdom? Well then, step right up, Kickettes, and give us your best guesses.

In the above child-made chart, you'll find the most recently memorable quotes that were spoken by wives and/or girlfriends of footballers across Europe.

Click here to view the embedded video.

We weren't sure whether we could love Timmy Howard any more. Just to recap, we know that he looks like this naked and is clearly an 'all-round top bloke' if our recent convo with him was anything to go by. But his response to scoring a wind-assisted wonder goal vs.

Image: FINDLAY KEMBER/AFP/Getty Images.

Remember kids. Smoking is bad. It rots your lungs, prematurely ages your skin and due to recently implemented non-smoking legislation, can cause hair frizzing as you stand outside in the rain.

Now, John Terry might have made our hair curl in the past with his nefarious lady-bothering activities, and even caused the odd bout of breathlessness when his shorts get clingy, but so far he hasn't aged us.

Two important housekeeping issues we'd like to reiterate:

1. Watch what you eat or suffer the allergic reaction consequences ala Iker;

2. Today's the last day to vote in our FPCOTY poll. Have your say here.

Image via AP Photos.

The UK Home Office, responsible for immigration and passports, drugs policy, crime, counter-terrorism and police, has been tooting its horn for all to hear today.

The reason?

Arrests for football-related disorders among English and Welsh fans has hit a new, all time record low.

Images via tumblr. Cheers to Kat for the tip!

... Olalla Dominguez giving Justin Bieber some serious side-eye?

Yes, Kickettes, it flippin' well is. As most of you are probably aware, the Bieb-u-lator was at Stamford Bridge the other day for a kickabout with Frank Lampard and Olalla's hubby Fernando Torres.

Tearing clothes is wrong, Kickettes. There are numerous facilities for the disposal of used clothing that can benefit the less fortunate in our society. We cannot and will not condone the wanton ripping of perfectly good er... (what the hell is that on his head, anyway?) garments for the sake of temporary warmth and/or fashion statement purposes.

Original Image: Dave Hogan/Getty Images.

If you give Photoshop-enabled laptops to the Mayhem & Fruit Beverage Suite bishes, this is what you can expect to happen. We've learned this now and are trying to retrieve the computers, although judging by the state of the intern who returned empty handed from the Suite a few moments ago, our journey will be a long, hard one.

Images: Amazon, fcsochaux.fr, Tumblr.

The stocking stuffer display's have come out big and bad in the past week. Can't figure out what to get your family and friends this year? Or do you want to make the special recipient feel incredibly awkward in front of a large crowd?

Well, three professional footy clubs have just what you're looking for.

Presenting Landon Donovan and a random Chanel model, who could quite easily star alongside one another in a remake of the Disney movie where twins switch places, 'Freaky Friday.'

Only theirs would be called, 'Freaky, Fraternal-Twins-Separated-At-Birth-Holy-Cow-They-Look-So-Much-Alike-We-Can't-Get-Over-It Friday.

Is it safe for us to assume that the colour coordination of Mario's new hair and his first infraction card from over the weekend was just a coincidence? Poor sob ended the weekend dismally and down a diamond earring so fingers crossed for his horoscope this week. Image: Reuters Pictures.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Come again, Mr Reina? Jamie Carragher doesn't like you to do what exactly?

Keep calm and read on, Kickettes. Image Credit: AP.

Sadly, it was anything but quiet on the news front for us this past weekend, but as always, we're ready and willing to help you bounce back into work action.

Although if you require posts in addition to this one, know that we'll only resume work upon receipt of our mandatory compensation (in this case that would be Thanksgiving leftovers from our U.

Image: AP Photo/Vadim Ghirda.

We presume that FIFA will be launching an investigation into FC Basel's 'preparations' for their Champions League tie against Otelul Galati tonight. Last time we checked, goalkeeping coaches from the Ministry of Magic were not officially accredited by football's governing body.

A non-league English football team is having internet barcodes shaved into their hair ahead of this weekend's first round FA cup clash.

Wayne Rooney's hairdresser, Daniel Johnson, is shaving intricate 'QR codes' onto the back of the heads of Bromley FC's first eleven. Each hair cut takes an hour to achieve and when they are scanned with a smartphone, the barcode will send users to the Betfair Mobile site.

Click here to view the embedded video.

It may be old news for some, but it's new to us!

We enjoyed watching the Arsenal keeper 'ride the pony' at 0.11 and 0.14, among other things.

Happy Halloween to our fellow Skankensteins!

In the spirit of tricking as well as treating our lovely readership, we've put together a little 'guess who' game of 'ballers in kooky Halloween costumes. Because our spooky celebrations have been mildly sloppy for the past few years, we were keen on improving our drunken levels to 'inappropriate' at this year's office fete.

Is it just us, or does Francesco Totti look remarkably relaxed for a man who appears to be on the verge of an invasive procedure while a smiling man looks on? To each their own, we suppose. Image via AS Roma's FB page.

Fernando was a guest on Spanish TV Show 'El Hormiguero' a month or so ago and you can enjoy more of his clarinet work, a brief foray into cookery and his views on the importance of scoring (!) here. Images via bellazon.

Now Fernando, would you prefer we went through our repertoire of horn jokes or dusted off the old 'blowing gags' folder to put you off?

What? No, it's not remotely odd that thirty-odd grown men are clamouring for another grown man's sweaty shorts like a bunch of girls at a Bieber show. That's football. Image: FABRICE COFFRINI/AFP/Getty Images.

Image via arshavin.eu

Highly amusing photographs of Andrey Arshavin are not hard to come by. Indeed, we often mosy on over to Arshavin.eu when we're in need of a laugh, whether it's his innovative views on women or a bizarre desire to see him dressed as a boy scout. Either works.

But even we were surprised by the sheer battiness of these latest shots to appear on those hallowed pages.

Image via sports.ru

You all remember Yulia Voronin, right? She of the tracksuit that will never die? Of course you do.

Mrs. Voronin, whose husband Andriy formerly played for Liverpool and currently plays for Dynamo Moscow, has given a truly spectacular interview to a Russian sports site.

That's all very well and good, JT. But... really? You like how that looks? Image: REUTERS/Stevo Vasiljevic.

In a series of Kickette approved poses, John Terry demonstrated that despite a total inability to operate a pair of socks, he is more than capable of distracting us from our work.

Image: Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images.

Manuel Neuer and Kathrin Gilch prepare to enter the magical world of Grimm's Fairytales, where scary monsters, large wooden staircases and the paparazzi must all be negotiated before they get to live happily ever after. Image: Alexander Hassenstein/Bongarts/Getty Images.

Having already exploited the comedy value of football players in lederhosen for all it's worth last week, the timing of the release of these photos of the Bayern Munich boys at Oktoberfest couldn't have been worse.

Click here to view the embedded video.

This morning we must offer our congratulations to British Conservative member of parliament Tracey Crouch (no relation to Peter), whose obstinacy, refusal to obey the rules and blind adherance to her beliefs have confirmed her as a true Kickette.

Well, this is awkward. Image: REUTERS/Ina Fassbender.

GOOD WEEK

Doin' It Like A Dude: We've enjoyed watching Manuel Neuer respond with quiet dignity to his status as public enemy number one in Germany. You know, all the hating at Schalke because he left them followed up by the hating at Bayern Munich because he signed for them.

Sorry. We couldn't help ourselves. Original image: REUTERS/Darren Staples.

We've all been tempted, Kickettes. But theft, even when it involves staples of life like glazed Krispy Kreme donuts, is a crime.

David de Gea knows this now, having been apprehended by security officers after he was allegedly filmed on CCTV pilfering a pastry from an English supermarket.

Dude, concentrate on the game! Not on those photos of special ladies you've got on your phone! Image: AP Photo/John Smierciak.

These two gentlemen are Sean Johnson and Josip Mikulic from MLS side Chicago Fire. They were caught arguing on the pitch during the Fire's 3-2 victory over New England Revolution last weekend.

Something on your mind, Carlos? Original images: REUTERS/Stringer.

Well, didn't this just get interesting?

For those of you who weren't attempting to break the world record for nacho consumption during a football match, some 'confusion' took place on the bench during Manchester City's 2-0 defeat to Bayern Munich last night.

First spotted on ONTD_FB.

Giovani dos Santos appears to be from the same moral fiber as Ashley Cole, y'all. How interesting.

A cautionary piece of counsel if we may, Kickettes. Never and we mean ever should anyone be in the presence of alcohol if their mobile devices are in possession of nude self-portaits.

Slowly, we're taking over the football world. Image: AP Photo.

With misbehaviour by fans in Europe plummeting to new depths of depravity, football associations are becoming increasingly innovative in their sanctions.

So congratulations to the Turkish Football Federation (TFF), whose latest punishment is in honour of the firecracker wielding, pitch invading supporters who've been troubling their fixtures as of late.

Image Credit: Sporten.dk.

We always joke about the extreme lengths we'd go to in order to get ourselves mixed up in a situation such as this, but now that our lifelong dreams have come true we suddenly find ourselves acting like gun shy prudes. Go figure.

Last Friday during their Norwegian team's practice, Stian Antonsen and Marius Berntzen challenged their squad's veteran goalkeepers to a game of footy tennis.

Iker was annoyed. Why hadn't someone warned him there were pre-training physical exams before he had chosen to wear tights? Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

We're not sure if this shot was taken before or after his 'Strictly' makeover, but it's all the same really. Image via bbc.co.uk.

If his prediliction towards frightening personal grooming is anything to go by, Robbie Savage has been preparing for his latest adventure throughout his career.

...and kudos to Jose Bosingwa who somehow managed to keep a straight face for his photo, despite his colleague's best efforts. Image via WAATP.