WC2010

World Cup

The Lampard-Gerrard Reunion Hits the Skids

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For almost two years, English fans trembled in fear and bowed their heads in shame. For over a decade, the glorious tandem of Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard had bravely led the Three Lions to countless second rounds. Sadly, it appeared that Don Fabio Capello had forever axed the dynamic duo following World Cup 2010.

Futfanatico: Flying Dutchmen? The Startling Story of Arjen Robbin Van Persie

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Not since the Frankenstein-themed tale of Michael Owen Hargreaves has such a sad injury story buzzed to our attention. But during this last World Cup, we noticed two very odd occurrences.

Dutch unveil new brand of ‘Total Bastard Football’

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After decades of careful refinement, precision training and deep aesthetic study then canning all that nonsense Sunday's World Cup was the scene for the unveiling of Dutch football's latest revolution, the new style of 'Total Bastard Football'.

The totaalbastaardvoetbal tactical theory relies on a perpetual and fluid interchange of positions, demanding that all outfield players, be they a tightly-permed midfielder or even a bald midfielder, are able to boot any team who dares to play football against them firmly into touch.

World Cup referees voice concerns over new match ball plinth

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In a World Cup dogged by controversy, English referee Howard Webb has launched the latest salvo with his savage criticism of the official World Cup match ball plinth that referees daintily pick the Jabulani up from at the start of each match. "For the referees it's proving a nightmare,". he was overheard telling anyone who would listen at a FIFA official cocktail party in Bloemfontein.

Les Bleus “tarnish the image of France” with their inability to even go on strike properly

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After France exited the World Cup today in ignominy at the bottom of Group A, they faced the further humiliation of a shaming insult from Minister for Sports Roselyne Bachelot, who insisted that their failure to complete the most basic strike action had "tarnished the image of France" in the eyes of the world.

Lure of ‘getting my house robbed while away’ changed Carragher’s mind about World Cup

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Following his return to England duty after three years of international retirement, Liverpool defender Jamie Carragher has sensationally revealed that he is yearning to go to South Africa for the chance to be burgled, repeatedly, throughout the tournament.

Though some had predicted a harsh response from the England faithful, many of whom live in relatively safe areas, the Liverpool defender is unmoved by the prospect of criticism.

Futfanatico: The Fall of the World Cup Ball

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

Speak it softly....no word terrifies national team keepers anticipating South Africa 2010 more than the accursed "Jabulani." The last World Cup ball, the Teamgeist, similarly brought complaints from the impossible-to-character-assault Jens Lehmann.

Real Madrid

Futfanatico: The Merengue Pie World of Mourniho

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

A year ago, Fistedaway dug up enough dirt to bury the Gaza pyramids. We speak, of course, about Cristiano Ronaldo's soiled Iberian member. The rumor was unfounded yet simple and easily believed he longed for a lovechild with Xabi Alonso's wife.

Futfanatico: The Merengue Pie World of Mourinho

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

A year ago, Fistedaway dug up enough dirt to bury the Gaza pyramids. We speak, of course, about Cristiano Ronaldo's soiled Iberian member. The rumor was unfounded yet simple and easily believed he longed for a lovechild with Xabi Alonso's wife.

England

Liverpool deny Joe Cole was only signed for ‘unlocking’ ability

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Just days after unveiling new signing Joe Cole, Liverpool have been forced to address rumours that the ex-Chelsea star had been signed purely on account of his fabled 'unlocking' abilities.

Cole is said to be looking to make an immediate impact by breaking into the team. Specifically, unlocking his team-mates' reinforced mansion gates while they are out on European away trips, when he is likely to be sidelined with "a 'niggling injury', nahworramean?

Robbie Earle insists that “those 36 Dutch girls were family”

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Sacked ITV pundit Robbie Earle continued to fight the allegations of his World Cup ticket misappropriation, today insisting that the 36 mini-skirted Dutch fans were just his sisters.

"I am shocked and appalled by these claims against me and my beloved sisters", confessed Earle, "as is our mother Wilhelmina".

Wayne Rooney and the Gurkha’s… no, really!

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WAYNE Rooney is heading to the World Cup leaving a fearsome GURKHA guarding his £4½million mansion.

The ex-soldier from a long line of Nepalese warriors famed for slaughtering the enemy with their kukri knives is on red alert for gangs of robbers. He was hired by Manchester United team-mate Wes Brown, 30, who lives next door and is also tipped to join the England squad jetting to South Africa next month.

Futfanatico: Capello Prank Call Causes England Uprising

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

The Capello reign of England has been characterised by one theme: discipline. From intense training sessions to WAG and cell phone bans, the Italian has instilled a meritocratic selection regime fueled by the foot soldier's mentality.

The Rest

About That Clark Moment…And What it Means in 2014

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This week we have the great pleasure of adding a new member to the Soccer Yank lineup, Rey Regicide (a pseudonym and FIFA username of course) . He has been a friend, supporter, and advocate of the Soccer Yank network from day 1 and has finally pulled the trigger on his first article about the USMNT.

Futfanatico: The Jabulani: Defiant, yet dangerous

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::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico :::

A star is born. With criticism flying from all corners of the globe, the Jabulani finally made a public appearance, leaving a lasting impression on all present with her panache, wit, and iron-clad confidence.

Platinum Stars begin inquest after ‘Platinum Generation’ falls to plucky English tourists

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With their dreams shattered by a touring England side on Monday, Platinum Stars' much vaunted 'Platinum Generation' are this week beginning the post-mortem. This was supposed to be the Stars' great chance to shine, but yet again they have fallen short on the largest stage.

After going behind to a shock early goal to what appeared to be a competition-winning team mascot, the Stars fell apart entirely, conceding a second to the unemployed Joseph Cole, and a humiliating late third strike to a man who had seemingly wandered in from the car-park where he had being previously enjoying a nutritious fight.

FAI ask ITV for extra place for Jedward in X Factor Final

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Following FIFA's refusal to grant Ireland an unprecedented 33rd spot at next year's World Cup in South Africa, ITV have revealed that the FAI have now sensationally requested that Jedward be reinstated into the occasional singing contest X Factor.

Simon Cowell appeared at a press conference yesterday to read out a prepared statement in between bouts of laughing into his hand.