I'm going to attempt to keep this short because, quite frankly, spitting viciously vile vitriol is not how I'd like to spend my Saturday afternoon. Virulence really isn't going to get us anywhere.

But, shit, I'm fucking pissed.

Don't worry, it got much worse.

Futbolitinos, the transfer deadline window is now shut! Seedy agents all became instant millionaires when "under the table" deals were finalized yesterday, including Coutinho's loan move from Inter Milan to Espanyol (above).

It's safe to say Alex has not enjoyed the new year thus far. After Andre Villas-Boas kicked the bold, bald Brazilian to the Cobham curb earlier in the winter, he was left to fend for himself on just £50k per week. Just really, really terrible.

Thankfully for Alex, the nightmare looks to be coming to an end.

Based on the current roster list on United's web site and the little scraps of information we have to go on, I thought I'd begin the Roster Reset in advance of the SuperDraft and the absolute rafts of new signings the United brain trust are just waiting to announce (hello, sarcasm, you insufferable trollop).

The United Nations x Shipwrecked Footballers?

Let Didier Drogba, Luis Figo, Ronaldo, Zizou and even Michael Ballack teach you about the Millennium Development Goals in a manner that I really hope, for everyone's sake, was intended to be overflowing with sarcasm. It's a 32-page comic teaching about the United Nations' MDGs set for 2015 through the form of top footballers being shipwrecked and having to deal with real life issues, like living a day without Sara Carbonero.

[Editor's Note: This is another installment from Orion, to help us through the interlull. And to be clear, the Homey Train is still stubbornly cruising along, but without very many passengers at the moment.]

So I was staring at the screen, waiting for an idea to strike me from some abyss in my mind.

Gerrard celebrates...Liverpool were forced to settle for a draw against Manchester United on Saturday with captain Steven Gerrard converting a fantastic free kick in the process. Manchester United found their equalizer with ten minutes left on the clock courtesy of front man Javier Hernandez.

Reds Take One Point From United Game

Gerrard celebrates... Liverpool were forced to settle for a draw against Manchester United on Saturday with captain Steven Gerrard converting a fantastic free kick in the process. Manchester United found their equalizer with ten minutes left on the clock courtesy of front man Javier Hernandez.

By Alan Duffy

Aston Villa's Der Kaiser listens to the resounding laughter following Alex McLeish's interview

It's not often that you hear the names Emile Heskey and Franz Beckenbauer in the same sentence, and it's even less often that you hear the former England man being actually compared to the German great.

So an article appeared in yesterday's TTB that I think warrants a bit more discussion with regards to the Timbers academies. Essentially what is happening is when the Timbers officially launch their academies this year they'll mandate that any player who signs up will not be allowed to play for their local high school anymore.

I can't even think the last time I called two penalty kicks against the same team - most of the time they're smart enough to avoid it. But there they were, both in the second half and within 15 minutes of each other. The oddest thing about it was that this was a men's game, and I issued no cards.
I'm rather fortunate that I let my instincts take over on the game, because as you could tell from my last entry, I was not in a good place emotionally to run the game.

Ever notice in America, once September rolls around, it's almost impossible to find any NFL analysis on television?(Damn it, I've got to remind myself that sometimes sarcasm -- no matter how syrupy thick -- can sometimes get lost in a blog post or (especially) a text message.)It's getting to the point where a show like "Meet the Press" is probably going to have a "Start 'em/Sit 'em" segment

Here are the final numbers from the Players Union for base salaries and guaranteed compensation. I don't know about you, but there sure seems to be some wasted money on this list. For example, the Dynamo are paying Carlo Costly nearly a half million in reported pay (there could be more allocation money involved) and all we've gotten is a red card.

Hi folks,
Welcome back to the blog, and it has been a long, long time. A lot has happened since this blog was last active, most it being very, very bad. What the hell has gone wrong?
Too much, and hopefully with a basically new team, that will change this season.
More on that in later blogs, but for now lets get into more current news.

As Martin Kelner so eloquently put it in the Guardian:

Britain's great gift to the world is undoubtedly sarcasm – that, and Marmite – so congratulations to Chelsea's new coach, André Villas-Boas on picking up the lingua franca so quickly ...

Below is Villas-Boas' post-Norwich interview.

Arsene Wenger is expected to make some big-name signings at long last with days remaining before the transfer window closes.

It emerged that Kaka, Gary Cahill, Leighton Baines, Yann M'Vila & Lille forward Eden Hazard are all possible targets*.

But here lies the problems, Arsenal fans, including myself are fed up with that word.

Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has rubbished suggestions that this afternoon's disappointing 2-0 defeat to Liverpool will dent his side's silverware ambitions this season.

Although the loss at home to the Reds was the Gunners' first defeat and in fact, the first time they conceded any goals this season, they could already end up being five points adrift of the Barclays Premier League summit by the end of the weekend.

Ooops. Our bad.Last night, the FBM posted some criticisms of ESPN's soccer coverage from Wednesday's U.S. match versus Mexico. In that article we drew a connection to a local bar, Cuatro's (that was unnamed in the article), and tried to highlight the difficulty in satisfying the demands of "mainstream" sports fans and soccer fans.

So here we sit barely 100 hours until the 2011-12 Barclay's Premier League season kicks off Saturday morning with six concurrent matches, including newly promoted clubs Queens Park Rangers and Norwich City. All-and-all, it shapes up to be one thing: The best. season. ever. Ever. Ask anyone. Apologies up front for the sarcasm dripping like sap out of Vermont maple.

Nickspinkboots' Note: I know my way around WordPress about as well as Manuel Almunia knows his way around the penalty box. Since I can't change the author name on the article for some reason, I would like to clarify that this post is written by Swaroop Swaminathan, journalist with national dailies who is moonlighting as a cynical Arsenal fan here on BFZ.

You either love him or hate him, but Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli has once again got the football world talking about him.

Two days after the Italian's bizarre back-heel miss in a friendly against LA Galaxy, players and managers have cast their views on a player who is fast becoming the most controversial character in the game.

• Dynamo focus on making home swing count [MLS Soccer] - [sarcasm] well, at least we haven't heard this before [/sarcasm]
• Mid-Season Report Card: Houston Dynamo [Total MLS]
• Sarkodie's confidence on upswing [Houston Chronicle] - it's amazing what some playing time will do for a talented rookie.

In the somewhat unfortunately titled "It's all crips and bloods in the footblogosphere," Richard Whittall examines how his experience with the soccersphere has become toxic over the last couple of months. Like most of Whittall's writing, there's some one-off remarks that make me want to tear my hair out, but this piece is mostly on point.

Not every supporters group has it as good as the Timbers Army

This past Saturday the New England Revolution played against the Chicago Fire at home. Naturally, as is the custom with all MLS teams, the supporters went to their respective positions and began doing what supporters do best: singing, chanting, screaming, being passionate.

MLS released the fan balloting component of the 2011 All-Star Game voting. Fans have until 11:59pm ET on July 5th, 2011 to vote for their favorite players in hopes they will represent the league against Manchester United on July 27th at Red Bull Arena.

Yay...that's a sarcastic yay since sarcasm tends not to show up well in written form.

The list keeps growing, perhaps with everybody thinking that if they keep adding names one's bound to turn out right sooner or later. And so today we've got a few more highly dubious but widely reported rumours to add to the heaping pile of possible transfer targets, as well as one rumour that just about everybody seems to think is going to come true no matter what over the next few days.

By Chris Wright

Just one year after securing a club-first league and cup double, Carlo Ancelotti and his glorious eyebrow of redemption have been sacked by Chelsea after washing up in shameful, shameful second place this year though, snarky sarcasm aside, 2010/11 has technically been the club's 'worst' campaign since Roman Abramovich rode into town back in 2003.

The haters and the non-coverted point to the flopping, the complaining, the asking for cards as THE indictment of soccer. "I just can't stand all the faking!" they scream. "How can this be a real sport when its based on conning the referee?" they question to the heavens.
News flash... we hate it, too.

Hey, how do you like that?It's actual news revolving the U.S. (senior) National Team non-related to ticket sales, the Gold Cup draw or flubbed World Cup bids. Hurrah!Okay, had to get the sarcasm out of my system early. Let me take a potshot or two and then we'll dig into the meat of the squad Bob Bradley called from on high for the March 26 friendly with Argentina in New Jersey and March 29 game