Heaven Is Five Uninterrupted Minutes Of Diego Maradona Scoring Loads Of Fantastic Goals (Video)

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Hey, you kids ever heard of Diego Maradona? Back in the 1970s and 80s, he was kind of like Lionel Messi if Lionel Messi had a predilection for acting the giddy goat and gorging himself senseless on Class A narcotics.

Undoubtedly more spontaneous and playful than Messi, the man they callThe Golden Child was the best footballer in the world and arguably the most naturally gifted player ever to take to a pitch in anger.

Juventus Fans Vote Alessandro Del Piero’s ‘Impossible Volley’ Against Fiorentina In 1994 As Greatest Goal In Club’s 120-Year History (Video)

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As part of their ongoing 120th anniversary celebrations, Juventus tasked their fans with voting for what they believe to be the greatest goal ever scored in the Bianconeri shirt.

The winner, by a country mile, was this little over-the-shoulder number, effortlessly tucked away by a 20-year-old Alessandro Del Piero in December of 1994 the last-minute winner in a 3-2 victory over Fiorentina.

On This Day In 2012: Zlatan Ibrahimovic Tears Joe Hart Asunder With Phenomenal Overhead Kick Against England (Video)

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Today marks the fourth anniversary of the fateful night that Zlatan Ibrahimovic trampled roughshod over England, scoring all four goals in a mountainous performance at the epicentre of Sweden's 4-2 friendly victory in Stockholm.

England's wafer-thin side contained such luminaries as Steven Caulker, Tom Cleverly, Leon Osman, Tom Huddlestone and poor old Ryan Shawcross who, making his international debut as a late substitute, suffered miserably at the hands of a soaring Zlatan and was never called up again thereafter.

Classic WWII Ordnance Hi-Jinks: Brentford ‘Keeper Chic Brodie Finds Hand Grenade In His Goalmouth, 1965

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Charles 'Chic' Brodie was no doubt a perfectly serviceable goalkeeper in his day, we couldn't possibly comment to the counter, but alas his 21-year professional career is generally boiled down to two memorable incidents.

The first of which happened on November 6th, the day after Bonfire Night, back in 1965 during a match between Brodie's Brentford and their cross-London rivals Millwall at Griffin Park.

Classic Football Adverts: Tony Adams Acts His Wooden Backside Off After Being Kidnapped By Jaffa Cake Gonks, 1998 (Video)

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As ever with a lucrative World Cup on the horizon, the great and the good of the advertising realm began shoehorning England players into their commercials to help shill their wares in the build up to France '98.

One such player was Tony Adams, who was roped in by McVities for a Jaffa Cakes campaign to help promote their new line of collectable orange 'gonks' a nefarious gang of Koosh balls with various facial features and limbs attached.

Retro Football: Sir Matt Busby Discusses Brian Clough And George Best, Among Other Things, On Parkinson, 1973 (Video)

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Plucked from the BBC Archives, here's a snippet of Sir Matt Busby's appearance on the Parkinson chat show in 1973.

Busby had retired as Manchester United manager and from football management altogether some four years prior, admitting in his chat with Parky that he'd begun to fall out of love with the game as the vim and vigour of the 1960s gave way to the muddy clod-hopping of the 1970s.

Classic Football Adverts: Reebok Spluff £3m To Employ Cavalcade Of Nineties Pop Culture Royalty For ‘Theatre Of Dreams’ Commercial, 1998 (Video)

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While their presence in the football realm has waned since, Reebok were a big player on the scene throughout the 1990s and early 2000s, with Ryan Giggs, Dennis Bergkamp and Thierry Henry just three notable patrons.

Indeed, the brand went big in an effort to launch their new Sidewinder boot in 1998, assembling a cornucopia of Nineties' pop culture icons asRobbie Williams, Anna Friel, Sting, Reeves & Mortimer, Jarvis Cocker, Darling Dicky Attenborough, David Mellor, Tom Jones, Steven Berkoff, Sylvester McCoy, Gary Oldman, Jose Carreras, Chris Eubank, Warren Mitchell and Wallace & Gromit all playing their respective parts.

On This Day In 2009: Halloween Sees New Record Set For Most Red Cards On Single Day Of Premier League Football (Photos)

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The dark spirits definitely did their evil bidding in the Premier League on Halloween back in 2009: the very day that saw a new record set for the most red cards in one single afternoon of English top-flight football.

No less than eight players were sent off over the course of the day, with Jlloyd Samuel (1.

On This Day In 2012: Arsenal Duo Giroud And Coquelin Make Minor Shirt-Based Error At ‘End’ Of League Cup Tie Against Reading (Video)

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Hard to believe we know, but it was five years ago to the very day that Olivier Giroud and Francis Coquelin entertained the nation by getting all confuzzled at the business end of Arsenal's chaotic 7-5 victory over Reading in the fourth round of the League Cup.

After somehow conspiring to go 4-0 down within the 37 minutes, Arsenal pulled a heroic comeback out of their collective derriere thanks to late goals from Laurent Koscielny and Theo Walcott in the 89th and 96th minute respectively before the final whistle thweeped at the Madejski Stadium.

Retro Football: Fondly Remembering The Halcyon Days Of The Coca Cola Cup And Its Club-Coloured Can Adverts, 1994 (Photos)

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The League Cup has bounced from sponsor to sponsor over the years, with Littlewoods, Rumbelows, Worthington's, Carling, Capital One and even the national Milk Marketing Board all paying through the snout to ally their marque with English football's tertiary tournament since 1981.

Classic Football Adverts: Alan Shearer Is Wooden As You Like In Timeless McDonald’s ‘Autograph’ Sketch, 1998 (Video)

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"Woor'll 'ave a fillet-oo-fish an a box of chickn dippahs an meerk it snappy lad..."

With all the will in the world, with his furrowed brow and voice less melodious than a dot-matrix printer, Alan Shearer simply is not a font of natural charisma.

As such, it shouldn't come as much surprise that the-then Newcastle striker struggled to inject much life into his dialogue after being plonked in the middle of a McDonald's advert duringthe run-up to the 1998 World Cup.

Retro Football: Diego Maradona Turns Out For Tottenham In Ossie Ardiles’ Testimonial, 1986 (Photos & Video)

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Seeing Diego Maradona holding a Tottenham shirt aloft at Wembley on Sunday instantly brought memories flooding back for fans of a certain vintage.

Of course, Maradona has previous when it comes to Spurs the only English club he ever played for during his career, and even then in a non-competitive capacity.

Classic Football Adverts: Eric Cantona Shills For Eurostar In His Own Inimitable Style, 1997 (Video)

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At the end of the 1996/97 season, Eric Cantona shocked Manchester United by bringing his professional career to a premature end when he reached the conclusion that, at the age of 30, he was pig soddin' sick of being told what time he had to go to bed.

I loved the game but I no longer had the passion to go to bed early, not to go out with my friends, not to drink, and not to do a lot of other things, the things I like in life.

On This Day In 2002: Teenage Wayne Rooney Takes 10 Minutes To Entrench Himself In The Premier League With Stonking Goal Against Arsenal (Video)

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Why, it seems like a lifetime, but 15 years ago this very day, a 16-year-old brute who looked like he was on day release from borstal emerged from the Everton bench and promptly entrenched himself deep in the topography of English football.

With a thick neck and forearms like Popeye, that young toe-rag was Wayne Rooney, who found himself thrown on against Arsenal as an 80th-minute substitute with the score level at 1-1, only to bring the Gunners'30-game unbeaten run to an abrupt end 10 minutes later with his very first Premier League goal.

Retro Football: Helpful Glasgow Rangers Fans Lend Their Large Union Jack To Linesman With Broken Flag, 2006 (Video)

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Let's face it, we've all been there: diligently running the line at a football match only for your standard issue fluorescent flag to disassemble itself into its component parts, right in your hand.

That's exactly the fate that befell the assistant referee on duty for the charity match staged between Derby County and Rangers at Pride Park in 2006, though thankfully a member of the travelling support was able to supply the flag-less official with a suitable replacement.

Set-Piece Pioneers: Man Utd Pair Ryan Giggs And David Beckham Attempt Simultaneous Freekick Routine, 2001 (Video)

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In the first of what we might turn into a semi-regular series on Pies, we examine some of the oddest, most esoteric set-pieces to have ever been unleashed, both in anger and in muddled incompetence.

Three games into the 2001/02 season, Manchester United came up against Aston Villa at Villa Park.

Retro Football Adverts: Joe Jordan Replenishes Missing Teeth With Quick Swig Of Heineken, 1978 (Photo)

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While you'd be hard-pushed to call Joe Jordan "beautiful" in the conventional sense, there was still a undeniable ragged, brawny charm to the toothless Scotland target man.

Indeed, Jordan lost four of his front teeth early on in his career when he had them kicked out during a reserves match at Leeds United.

Retro Football: Newcastle Chairman Freddy Shepherd Offers To Carry Michael Owen Back To Liverpool, 2007 (Video)

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Sad news is reaching Pies this afternoon that former Newcastle chairman Freddy Shepherd, a central figure in the club's bamboozling recent history, has passed away at the age of 76.

Of course, our thoughts immediately turned to the Geordie businessman's long-running tit-for-tat spat with Michael Owen, who bore the brunt of several outbursts from the Shepherd foghorn.

No Frills: Football Stickers Chart The Incredible Non-Evolution Of Gareth Barry (Photos)

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On the eve of his record-breaking 633rd Premier League appearance, Pies thought it only right to salute the most consistent player in top-flight history: Hastings' finest, Mr Gareth Barry.

As evident below, nothing has changed much in the 19 years since Barry made his debut for Aston Villa back in the last century.

Premier League Dig Up Lovely Snippet Of Kasper Schmeichel And Tom Ince Playing Football Together As Kids In Old Trafford Corridor (Video)

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This very afternoon, Huddersfield are set to play host to Leicester City at the John Smith's Stadium a fixture that will see two former childhood playmates reunited once again.

With both their dads playing for Manchester United, Kasper Schmeichel and Thomas Ince spent a brief few years growing up alongside one another in the early 1990s.

Retro: This Complete Set Of Football Playing Cards From ’90 Minutes’ Magazine Really Is Something Special To Behold! (Photos)

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Photo: @90sfootball/Twitter

The brainchild of TalkSPORT presenter Paul Hawksbee, '90 Minutes' magazine launched in October of 1990 and managed a glorious seven-year run before folding.

While we're certain the publication featured it's fair share of memorable articles and such like, nothing that ever went to print is likely to provide a more lasting impression than the special set of football playing cards that 90 Minutes put their name to in 1993/94(ish).

Retro Football: Brian Clough’s Quartet Of Classic Adverts For Shredded Wheat, 1991/92 (Video)

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As he made a point of telling everybody all the time, Brian Clough really wasn't one to suffer flashy prima donna players gladly.

So it might come as something of a surprise that Cloughie dabbled in a few endorsement shills over the years, including a starring role in this series of adverts for Shredded Wheat from 1991 and 1992.

Retro Football: George Weah Paints His Masterpiece By Going ‘Coast To Coast’ Against Hellas Verona, 1996 (Video)

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Milan striker George Weah in full flow against Parma, 1995

Exactly 21 years ago this very day, George Weah scored the goal that would ultimately come, rightly or wrongly, to define his stellar career.

Milan spanked Hellas Verona at the San Siro on the opening day of the 1996/97 Serie A season, though the match is now widely remembered for one thing and one thing only Weah's famous 'coast to coast' goal, the third in an emphatic 4-1 victory.

Retro Classic: Football Italia Intro Sees Paul Gascoigne And James Richardson Combine To Create Comedy Gold, 1995 (Video)

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Paul Gascoigne explains his curious headwear to Lazio coach Zdenek Zeman, 1995

Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of the day that Gazzetta Football Italia aired on Channel 4 for the very first time.

We've spoken of our undying love for Football Italia before here on Pies, helping as it did to introduce a wide-eyed young fan to a world of football beyond watching Wolves grind out dull, mud-specked draws with Leicester City on Central Match Live every sodding weekend.

Classic Moments: John Motson Gets His Backside Handed To Him By Brian Clough In Prickly BBC Interview, 1979 (Video)

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After 50 years plugging away on the gantry, John Motson has announced he's retiring from his BBC commentary gig at the end of the season.

Now aged 72, Motson has cemented his place as one of the foremost voices in English football lore, with 20 major international tournaments and 29 FA Cup Finals listed on his CV.

Classic Moments: Mido And The Worst ‘Crossbar Challenge’ Attempt Ever Captured On Camera, 2009 (Video)

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To brand Mido's loan stint at Wigan in the latter half of the 2008/09 season as 'largely featureless' and 'eminently forgettable' is to do it a major disservice.

After all, the Egyptian striker scored on his debut (a penalty in a 1-1 draw against Liverpool) and then went on to ripple the net again against Arsenal (the consolation in a 4-1 hammering), eventually ending the six-month deal with a whopping two goals to his name in the space of 12 appearances before going AWOL.

Retro Football: Bryan Robson Resplendent In Triple Denim For ‘Easy Jeans’ Modelling Gig, 1980s (Photos)

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Bryan Robson was a formidable player in his Manchester United pomp, sturdy of thigh and steely of conviction as he patrolled midfields the length and breadth of the land.

However, away from the hustle and bustle of football, Robson was a man who favoured comfort one look at his taste in gentlemen's leisure knitwear proves as much.

Random Great Goals: Crystal Palace Score Four Little Lovelies In 4-1 Win Over Wolves, 1995 (Video)

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The year was 1995, and Crystal Palace and Wolverhampton Wanderers were pitted against each other in the sixth round (i.e. quarter-finals) of the FA Cup.

Wolves were the only non-Premiership side left in the competition, and defended manfully to ensure the original tie at Selhurst Park ended in a 1-1 draw.

Retro Football: Sir Bruce Forsyth Entertains Crowd By Scoring At Wembley Before 1974 FA Cup Final (Video)

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Chin chin: Bruce Forsyth compares facial protuberance with Jimmy Hill, 1981 (Photo: REX, via Telegraph)

Sad news is reaching Pies this afternoon that legendary British entertainer Sir Bruce Forsyth has passed away at the grand old age of 89.

From game-shows to Royal Variety performances, Brucie pretty much accomplished it all in a long and winding showbiz career that spanned almost 75 years and he even scored a goal at an FA Cup Final at Wembley.

The BIG Question: Which Is Your Favourite Goal From 25 Years Of Premier League Football?

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Photo: Stuart MacFarlane/Arsenal FC

Pies feel obliged to admit at this juncture that we've never really felt any special admiration for Dennis Bergkamp's goal against Newcastle in 2002: your newly-crowned 'Best Goal in the History of the Premier League'.

It's a nice enough goal, sure the turn is clinical, the touch superb, etc but as far as we're concerned (not very, truth be told) it's not even top-three material when it comes toBergkamp's personal highlight reel.

Retro Football: First Ever ‘Match Of The Day’ Opening Titles Of Premier League Era, 1992/93 (Video)

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Image: BBC Sport

Looking every single one of its 25-years-old, here are the opening titles that preceded the very first Match of the Day of the Premier League epoch.

Come for Des Lynam's velvety smoothness, stay for Gary Lineker looking like a nervous ex-public schoolboy appearing in small-claims court after being accused of fly-tipping a mattress on his father-in-law's estate.

Great Disallowed Goals: Cruel Linesman Robs Southampton’s Kevin Keegan Of Dazzling Volley Against Man Utd, 1981 (Video)

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Not that we're intending to give our old 'Great Disallowed Goals' series a full reboot, but Pies happened across his little snippet earlier today and deemed it worthy of broadcast under the banner.

Dating from the Year of our Lord 1981, the clip shows Kevin Keegan who was nearing the end of his career by that point putting a spectacular finish to a sweeping Southampton attack against Manchester United (in royal blue!

Football Comedy Classics: Adam & Joe – ‘The Footie Song’ (Video)

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It's about this time every year that Pies' inbox gets overrun by a deluge of the worst kind of email: the brazenly tenuous PR football-tie-in advertorial.

Just before the start of each new season (World Cups are also equally insufferable), brands and companies with no connection to football attempt to shoehorn themselves into the equation on the most dubious of pretences.

Eight Years Gone: 18 Fantastic Archive Photos Of Sir Bobby Robson In His Prime

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Today marks the eighth anniversary of the day English football said goodbye to its spiritual grandfather, Sir Bobby Robson.

As a doff of the cap, Pies have cobbled together some fantastic archive shots of Bobby in his younger years, including a marvellous photo of the first time he harnessed the power of flight during a game between West Brom and Chelsea in 1957.

Pre-Season Classics: Mario Balotelli Tosses It Off With A Backheel Only To Be Immediately Substituted, 2011 (Video)

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Pre-season is a time for experimentation, a time for frivolity, and yet Mario Balotelli famously found himself chastised for both during Man City's meaningless friendly Herbalife World Football Challenge match against LA Galaxy in July of 2011.

Balotelli opened the scoring with an early penalty at the Home Depot Center, then shortly thereafter found himself presented with a routine chance to double both his and City's tally.

Retro Football: Henrik Larsson Gets Celtic Career Off To An Absolute Bloody Stinker, 1997 (Videos)

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Photo: Alamy (via Celtic FC)

Today marks the 20th anniversary of the day Henrik Larsson first pitched up at Celtic Park with a glint in his eye and a head festooned with matted off-beige tendrils.

Celtic paid just £650,000 to purloin the Swedish striker from Feyenoord and, by the time he left for Barcelona in 2004, he'd arguably just about paid for himself.

Retro Football Sponsorship Deals: Arsenal Hard-Arse Steve Bould Models For ‘Arrow’ Boots, 1992 (Photo)

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The year was 1991; Anthony Hopkins was knee-deep in Hannibal Lecter, Vanilla Ice was bringing Caucasian hip-hop to the masses, Arsenal were First Division champions and all the cool kids wanted to be Steve Bould.

After the Gunners took the title while losing just one game all season, sportswear brands were queuing around the block to snap up their stars on endorsement deals.

The Rest

Retro Football: Rough, Tough Barcelona Defender Ronald Koeman Dresses Up As Tintin For Magazine Photoshoot, 1993 (Photo)

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Long before he was Everton's latest former manager, Ronald Koeman was a damn fine, imposing centre back with skin pale as milk and hair of the finest spun sunlight.

During his time at Barcelona in the early 1990s, Koeman aquired the nickname 'Tintin' due to the physical similarities he supposedly shared withHergé's courageous cartoon creation of the same name.

Football Art: Nuneaton Town Produce Ace ‘Roy Of The Rovers’ Style Programme Cover For FA Cup Match (Photo)

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The LDJ Solicitors Stadium, home of Nuneaton Town (Photo: Official_NTFC/Twitter)

Rivalling Wolves in the snazzy 'comic-book-style programme cover' stakes, Nuneaton Town have produced an absolute pearler for their upcoming FA Cup qualifying match against King's Lynn Town on Saturday.

Infused with classic 'Roy of the Rovers' goodness, the Boro have gone and knocked out this little retro beauty.

£5 Per Week: Sir Stanley Matthews’ First Ever Stoke City Contract Goes Up For Auction (Photo)

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The Wizard of Dribble: Sir Stanley Matthews in action for Stoke, 1938

The very first contract that Sir Stanley Matthews signed with Stoke City as a 17-year-old in 1932 is about to come up for auction.

Perhaps unsurprising for an 85-year-old document, the contract offers a timely glimpse into professional football's humble past, with Matthews signing on to earn a princely £5 per week at the Potters, dropping to £3 per week in the off-season.