Only a Game: The Diary of a Professional Footballer By Eamon Dunphy Published by Penguin (second edition) July 1998, £8.99, ISBN: 9780140102901 Left Foot in the Grave By Garry Nelson Published by CollinsWillow August 1998, available from 1p, ISBN: 9780002187749 [E]veryone wants to be a footballer. I still do, and I'm 37.

How Pippa Middleton made an arse of Joey Barton and Luis Suarez's daft quote of the week

After Joey Barton's recent Tweets about "mentally deficient, fame-hungry z-list celebs" who would "turn up to the opening of an envelope" helped win him a reported £150,000 advance from Penguin books for his thoughts on life, philosophy and porridge, the QPR midfielder will no doubt be delighted to hear that the same firm have just ordered up a party-planning book from Pippa Middleton.

The old penguin enclosure, London Zoo, where people had watched penguins since 1934

Bojanglez Nightclub, Guildford, where people had listened to terrible, terrible music for god knows how long just because it was there (we went every Wednesday when I was at university down that way.

Oh man, it's one of those days already and it's only just begun. I won't bore you with the details but suffice to say having to re-do all of last night's work first thing this morning is frustrating.

For some reason the Arsecast developed a mighty hiss. Which is like painting your sitting room, waking up the next morning and finding someone had then covered it with a layer of ash and dust.