modern football is rubbish


Purest Partridge: Michael Owen Returns To Corporate Shill Scene With Sensational Performance In Personal Injury Lawyers Advert (Video)

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Image: Alexanders Prestige

Whether taking delivery of a Range Rover from a chap called Alexander or offering us spine-tingling helicopter tours of Dubai, over the years Michael Owen has truly proven that professional football's loss has definitely been brand ambassadorial work's gain.

After a brief hiatus, the former England striker has once again dipped his toe in the corporate quagmire, lending his esteemeddynamic acting range and well-honed comedic timing to a stunningly memorable new advert for Gowing Law Solicitors, ambulance chasers at large.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Ridiculous ‘Aeroplane’ Follows Ball Up And Down Pitch During Saudi Kings Cup Final (Video)

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Image via @BabaGol

It may have taken them 120 minutes, but Al Ittihad eventually beat Al Faisaly 3-1 in extra time to win the Saudi Kings Cup in a gruelling encounter in Jeddah on Saturday evening.

However, the real entertainment didn't come on the pitch, but rather on a specially constructed track behind the advertising boards, where a miniature plane carrying miniature pilots zipped up and down, following the ball as it went.

Greek Super League: Marko Marin Dives After Being ‘Pushed’ By Referee In Amazing Attempt To Get Referee Booked (Video)

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Olympiakos saw their faint hopes of gaining any ground on the Greek Super League summit well and truly shellacked on Sunday when they succumbed to a 0-1 away defeat to lowly Apollon Smirnis.

Indeed, Apollon scored in the very first minute of the match and proceeded to hold on for the subsequent 90+5 as the visitors singularly failed to break down their defences.

Liverpool: Sadio Mane Produces Pathetic Dive In Attempt To Con Cheap Penalty Against Crystal Palace (Video)

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Trailing to a 13th-minute Luka Milivojevic penalty, Sadio Mane decided to beat a well-trodden path in a desperate attempt to con another for Liverpool at Selhurst Park.

The Senegalese forward attempted to capitalise/cheat by going sprawling under the slightest duress from a mistimed James McArthur tackle, only to be immediately booked by referee Neil Swarbrick for his troubles.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Burger King Ensure River Plate Goalkeeper Quite Literally Crowned ‘Man Of The Match’ Against Boca Juniors (Photo)

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River Plate goalkeeper Franco Armani earned his plaudits with a rock-solid performance in Wednesday night's derby victory over Boca Juniors in the Argentinian Super Copa.

Indeed, Armani and his defence kept all at bay for the entirety of the game as River ran out 2-0 winners on neutral turf in Mendoza.

Pacos De Ferreria Goalkeeper Mario Felgueiras Succumbs To Ludicrous Phantom Injury To Waste Time Against Porto (Video)

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Pacos de Ferreira pulled off a shock 1-0 win over Porto in the Portuguese top flight on Sunday, chiefly by employing every spoiling tactic known to man.

The home side managed to snaffle a goal with 30 minutes played and basically held on for dear life from that point on as Porto became increasingly frustrated and fraught.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Valencia Striker Simone Zaza Attempts The Worst Dive In All Of Recorded History (Video)

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Just when you thought the nefarious practice of play-acting had reached its grim nadir, Simone Zaza shows up and plumbs utterly ludicrous new depths.

In desperately attempting to con himself a freekick against Sevilla, the Valencia striker pulled this inexplicable tripe out of the bag.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: El Nacional Goalkeeper Johan Padilla Goes Down In ‘Agony’ After Being Gently Prodded By Referee (Video)

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After slogging through 89 minutes of the tie and finding themselves 4-3 up, Ecuador's El Nacional began to start running down the clock in their Copa Sudamericana first round match against San Jose of Bolivia.

Chief among the time-wasters was El Nacional goalkeeper Johan Padilla, who managed to get himself booked for taking an age over a freekick.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Painfully Atrocious ‘Half-And-Half’ Scarf Spotted Outside Leicester-Man Utd Match (Photo)

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Being the largely moderate folk we are, Pies are not exactly hardliners when it comes to the contentious issue of half-and-half scarves in football.

We do see that, in mitigating circumstances, they can serve as relatively inexpensive mementos of certain notable matches, perhaps a Community Shield tie or a Simod Cup semi-final.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Behold, The Half-And-Half Manager Scarf Is Upon Us (Photo)

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On Monday evening, Leicester City held West Brom at the King Power in a largely routine 1-1 draw.

Indeed, Nacer Chadli's swirling freekick to open the scoring proved to be one of few stand-out moments.

However, the fixture is sadly likely to be marked in the annals of football history as one of the darkest on record, for it was on Monday 16th October, 2017, in Leicester, that the world first bore witness to the managerial half-and-half scarf.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Barcelona Wear ‘Courage’ T-Shirts In Tribute To Ousmane Dembele, Who Has A Hamstring Injury…

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Barcelona dismantled Eibar in La Liga on Tuesday night, sauntering to a formulaic 6-1 victory at the Camp Nou in a performance that was no doubt spurred on by the recent loss of teammate Ousmane Dembele.

Indeed, the Barca team assembled before kick-off wearing "Courage Dembele" t-shirts in honour of their fallen comrade.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Sponsors Ensure Carabao Cup Third-Round Draw Will Be Just As Nonsensical As First Two…

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It's fair to say that the League Cup, in it's inaugural season in the hands of new sponsors Carabao, has been nothing short of a farce particularly on the administrative side of things.

Of course, the draw for the first round was conducted in Thailand and ultimately saw Charlton Atheltic given the nigh-on impossible task of having to play both away against Exeter City and home to Cheltenham Town simultaneously.

Chronic Case Of The Anichebes: Daley Blind Drops Instagram Clanger By Failing To Observe Proper Copy+Paste Etiquette (Photo)

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Daley Blind has become the latest footballer to come a cropper while copy+pasting generic commercial platitudes on his social media accounts.

The Dutch defender shared a photo of himself posing wistfully in Manchester United's new third shirt on Instagram, along with a caption that he failed to fully edit before publishing.

Carabao Cup Snapshot: First Round Draw Goes Swimmingly As Charlton Come Out Of The Hat Twice…

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The draw for the first round of the Carabao Cup took place in Bangkok and, as you may have guessed, the whole thing proved to be a worthwhile foray into lucrative emerging marketsfrom start to end.

There was one slight hitch, however, when Charlton Athletic found themselves faced with an incredibly challenging first round draw after being pitted againstboth Exeter City and Cheltenham Town.

General Election: Arsenal Fans Chase Big Social Media Points By Using ‘Wenger Out’ Meme To Spoil Ballot Papers (Photos)

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What better way to exercise you democratic right to vote than to use your ballot paper to score cheap social media banter points?

That's exactly what a few 'Arsenal fans' (we use the term loosely) did while voting in Thursday's UK General Election, spoiling their ballots by adding their own meme-tastic 'Wenger Out' box to the bottom and then tweeting photos of their handiwork.

Kits & fashion

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Coventry Release Special One-Off Wembley Kit For Play-Off Final After Club ‘Exhaust Supply’ Of Regular 2017/18 Home Shirts

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Photos: @Coventry_City/Twitter

Coventry City have announced that they will be wearing a special 'one-off' kit in the League Two Play-Off final, where they'll face Exeter City at Wembley next Monday night.

The Sky Blues claim that they've been forced into producing a bespoke outfit for the occasion because supplies of their standard all-blue 2017/18 home strip have been "exhausted".

Small Print: Leaked Nike Contract Info Reveals Which Clubs Neymar Can And Can’t Play For If He Wants To Receive Full Pay Packet (Image)

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What with him being one of their biggest cash cows in the footballing realm, it shouldn't come as much of a surprise to learn that Nike have significant influence on where Neymar plays his football.

Brazilian outlet UOL Esportes claim to have stumbled across the 10-year endorsement deal that Neymar signed with Nike shortly before he joined Barcelona (a Nike team) back in 2011.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Leyton Orient To Flog Own Line Of Dunkin’ Donuts, Called ‘O-Nuts’ (Photo)

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Leyton Orient have proudly announced that they are to launch an exclusive club-themed Dunkin' Donut that will go on sale at Saturday's National League match against Ebbsfleet United.

The "O-Nut" is a premium Dunkin' Donut filled with Bavarian Creme and topped witha one-of-a-kind white chocolate flavoured O's Crest.

Sheffield Wednesday Release Most Expensive Replica Shirt In Championship History And Only Three Months Late

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Sheffield Wednesday have finally announced that their new 2017/18 replica home shirt is to go on sale, just three months into the season.

After first revealing the 15oth anniversary strip on the first day of August, just 72 hours before the start of the Championship campaign, Wednesday faced repeated delays in the delivery of the replicas due to a series of production issues.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Cristiano Ronaldo Professes Admiration For ‘Eco-Friendly Egyptian Steel Production’ In Promotional Tweet

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Cristiano Ronaldo is a global one-man brand and, as such, companies are queuing up to leech off his star power in return for vast wodges of cash.

In the past, Ronaldo's corporate tie-ins boots, sportswear, underpants, electro-shock muscle toning equipment, Japanese mouth-strengthening devices have at least had some semblance of being relevant to the football, fashion and fitness lifestyle, but his latest paid endorsement is an absolute clanger of a shill.

Patrick Kluivert’s Nine-Year-Old Son Has Just Signed His First Endorsement Deal With Nike (Photo)

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When Pies' were nine years old, we were far too busy racing our penny farthings and playing hoop-and-stick in the streets to worry about signing endorsement deals with global sportswear conglomerates.

Alas, times have changed, and now we live in a world where Patrick Kluivert's nine-year-old son Shane has a lucrative sponsorship deal with Nike which he announced himself via his very own verified Instagram account.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: New St. Mirren Shirt Allows Fans To Add ‘Cub Scout’ Badges For Having Season Tickets, Travelling To Away Games, Etc (Photo & Video)

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St Mirren have proudly announced a pioneering new scheme that will allow fans to add their own 'cub scout' style badges to their new home jersey.

The brainchild of shirt manufacturers Joma, Buddies fanswill be able to iron on little gold badges for things like being a season ticket holder, being a member of the supporters' group and 'knowing the club's history'.


Modern Football Is Rubbish: Leeds United Fly In Face Of Government Travel Warnings To Proudly Announce Pre-Season Tour Of War-Torn Myanmar

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Leeds United have gone lolloping headlong into yet another PR quagmire (remember the new badge?) after proudly announcing they will be embarking on a pre-season tour to Myanmar, a country currently wracked by war.

The Foreign Office currently have warnings in place against all non-essential travel to Myanmar, largely due to the country is in the grip of a military crackdown and the sustained ethnic cleansing not our words, the words of the United Nations of hundreds of thousands of Rohingya Muslims.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Bolton Wanderers Install ‘Luxury Recliner Seats’ Next To Dugout At Macron Stadium (Photo)

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Photo: The Bolton News (@TheBoltonNews/Twitter)

The grand Superbowl-isation of football continues apace with news that Bolton Wanderers have installed a row of recliner seats at the Macron Stadium to allow fans to watch their team play in the lap of luxury.

The newly-promoted Championship side have partnered with Vue cinema in Middlebrook to offer a "cinematic matchday experience" courtesy of the four leather armchairs they've plonked next to the dug-outs.

English Premier League

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Man City Sponsors Etisalat Congratulate Team On Title Win With Cringe-Inducing ‘Musical’ Message (Video)

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It's a shame given the stylish manner in which they cantered to it, but sadly it looks like we're going to have to strip Man City of the 2017/18 Premier League title already.

City fans can go ahead and blame club sponsors Etisalat, who went and undid all Pep Guardiola's hard work by excreting the following to herald City's success with a truly horrible piece of corporate banality.

Super Soft: Flimsy Red Cards For Kyle Walker And Morgan Schneiderlin Tarnish Man City’s 1-1 Draw With Everton (Photo & Video)

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Man City tied 1-1 with Everton in the first Monday night fixture of the 2017/18 campaign, though once again it was iffy officiating that drew the most ire from concerned on-lookers.

Wayne Rooney had already steered the visitors ahead with the 200th goal of his Premier League career (more on that shortly) before City were relieved of a man just a few minutes before half-time when Kyle Walker earned one of the softest dismissals you're ever likely to witness.

Fighting Insidious Evil On All Fronts: Premier League Take Action To Ban Groundsmen From Creating Elaborate Pitch Designs

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"Boo. Down with this sort of thing"

The Premier League have leapt into action to tackle the most insidious evil facing their product today: elaborate pitch designs.

Thankfully, as of the publication of the League's new influx of rules for 2017/18, the frightful displays of grassy decadence we were regularly confronted with last season Leicester City being prime offenders will be a thing of the past.

Sunderland Earned More Money For Finishing Bottom Of Premier League Than Bayern Munich Did For Winning Bundesliga

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Proof should proof be required that the Premier League is a swollen, bloated nonsense of a competition, Sunderland managed to earn themselves well over £90million by finishing rock bottom of the table last season.

The numbers have beencrunched by Nick Harris of Sporting Intelligence, who found that despite being the square root of abysmal all year, David Moyes' teamreaped £93.


Crowns, Car Washes And Coolboxes: 16 Of The Strangest, Naffest ‘Man Of The Match’ Awards Ever Bestowed

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Image: Fox Sports (via Twitter)

Last week, Franco Armani put in a stoic 'Man of the Match' shift to keep Boca Juniors at bay as River Plate triumphed in the Argentinian Super Copa.

As a fitting reward for his endeavour, the goalkeeper was subsequently forced to appear on television wearing an actual crown at the behest of sponsors Burger King, thus somewhat diminishing the prestige of his award.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Juventus Hold Mock Press Conference To Welcome ‘Two New Signings’ On Board (Video)

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As modern professional football and vapid commercial endeavour continue to stride merrily hand-in-hand toward complete and hopeless saturation, Juventus have gone ahead and filed their latest offering.

Indeed, the Serie A giants have press-ganged Paulo Dybala, Douglas Costa, Federico Bernardeschi and Rodrigo Bentacur into staging a mock press conference to help unveil a pair of new signings signings famous for their "perfect shape" and "delicious skills".

Social Media

Back On Top: Man Utd Vice-Chairman Ed Woodward Has Some Exciting News For Fans Regarding Alexis Sanchez’s Transfer

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Manchester United fans will be able to sleep soundly in their beds tonight after vice-chairman Ed Woodward delivered a stirring 'State of the Union' address at the New York Stock Exchange on Thursday.

Coinciding with the release of United's half-season results, it was left to Woodward to deliver the exciting news that all supporters have been longing to hear.

Magnanimous: Instagram Clanger Sees Man City Defender John Stones Congratulate Chelsea On Beating Stoke (Photo)

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John Stones has offered us yet another peek behind the curtain into the murky backwaters of footballer's PR company-run social media accounts thanks to a ricket dropped on Instagram on Saturday evening.

Despite playing his part in Man City's effervescent 5-0 win over Crystal Palace, Stones felt the need to congratulate his teammates for Chelsea's 4-0 win over Stoke.

against modern football

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Sergio Ramos Customises New Protective Face Mask With Powerful Motivational Message (Photos)

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Sergio Ramos was forced to sit out of Real Madrid's midweek Champions League engagement with APOEL after getting his nose broken in the Madrid derby that preceded it on the Saturday before.

The 31-year-old defender was left with blood cascading out of his beak after being caught by a flailing boot from Atletico full-back Lucas Hernandez.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Australia Captain Tim Cahill Performed ‘Sponsored’ Goal Celebration After Scoring In World Cup Play-Off Against Syria (Photos)

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Ugh. Just when you thought you'd witnessed an untainted bit of genuine sporting drama, the ugly premeditated corporate-funded truth bubbles to the surface to spoil it.

Tim Cahill scored his 49th and 50th goals for his country as Australia squeaked past Syria in the Asian play-offs to keep their World Cup qualification aspirations alive.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: Wayne Rooney Potentially Set To Star In Everton-Themed Version Of ‘Angry Birds’ Game

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As if you hadn't noticed, Everton have played their last few games proudly wearing the esteemed marque of the 'Angry Birds' game upon their royal blue sleeves.

The club have entered into a partnership deal with Rovio, the Finnish company responsible for developing the bird-hurling game we honestly thought people had stopped playing entirely somewhere around the 2014 point.

Modern Football Is Rubbish: After 125 Years Of Oversight, Liverpool Finally Have An Official ‘Regional Chinese Bottled Water Partner’

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Liverpool Football Club was founded in 1892, meaning that for over 125 years they've somehow been operating without an official regional water partner in China.

Thankfully, that flagrant oversight has now been addressed, with the Reds proudly announcing that Tibet Water Resources Limited have agreed to step into the void and become the club's official Chinese bottled water suppliers.


Non-League: Billericay Town Owner Glenn Tamplin Unveils Dressing Room Overhaul, Complete With Tasteful Lion-Themed Mural (Photo)

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Photo: @BTFC/Twitter

Love him or loathe him, Glenn Tamplin is pouring an awful lot of money into Billericay Town as he continues in his quest to spend his way up into the Football League.

As well as hiring a battalion of ex-Premier League players on exorbitant wagesto play against blokes with 9-5 jobs, Tamplin is also in the process of completely redeveloping Billericay's New Lodge stadium, far beyond the demands of a team who currently play in the Bostik Premier League (seventh tier).

Chelsea: Antonio Conte Becomes First Manager To Land His Own Twitter Emoji

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In the wake of Chelsea's title win, Antonio Conte has been bestowed with the highest honour his profession has to offer.

Indeed, as of today, the Blues boss has been given his very own Twitter emoji, la Paul Pogba before him.

Basically, whenever anybody tweets #ChelseaChampions, a little image of Conte in his trademark celebratory pose will appear.

The Rest

The Real Victory: Man City Ease Pain Of Champions League Humbling By Announcing New ‘Multi-Million Pound’ Sponsorship Deal With Tinder

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Man City have indulged in a little retail therapy in a bid to ease the throbbing migraine brought on by Wednesday night's Champions League quarter-final drubbing at Anfield.

As Liverpool ran riot on the way to a 3-0 win, Pep Guardiola's uncharacteristically limp side failed to produce a single shot on target over the course of 90 minutes.

Prestige: Carabao Cup Quarter-Final Draw To Be Conducted By ‘British Sporting Royalty’ Phil Tufnel And Matt Dawson

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In their continued attempts to bolster the prestige of English football's lamented secondary cup competition, the EFL have revealed that the draw for the quarter-finals of the Carabao Cup will be nothing shy of revolutionary.

Be warned, you might want to sit down for this: For the very first time in the long and vaunted history of association football, the draw for the last eight of the Carabao Cup will be streamed live on Twitter.