Holger Badstuber. Seen here reinforcing today's remit of focussing only on football results. No, we
really
are that easily distracted. Image: GUENTER SCHIFFMANN/AFP/Getty Images.
With everyone stomping all over what we consider to be our remit this weekend namely
waffling about matters only loosely related to the playing of football we've decided to do the
reverse.
Ivory Coast midfielder Jean Jacques Gosso Gosso celebrates his team's progress to the final by
mounting Emmanuel Eboue. How nice! Image: FRANCK FIFE/AFP/Getty Images.
Well, despite our promises, the Africa Cup of Nations has been continuing without us paying it
the slightest bit of attention.
Valencia's Aritz Aduriz articulates far more succinctly that we ever could why base layers are bad.
Bad, we say! Image: JOSE JORDAN/AFP/Getty Images.
Sometimes, it's the little things that make life worth living, isn't it?
Alright. And maybe some slightly larger things.
Serie A
Catania 1-1 Roma
There were only twenty-five minutes to play in Catania and Roma's rescheduled match from January,
but this was long enough for Erik Lamela to show off his assets to the fullest.
The latest development in football kits? Invisibility properties. We can make use of that here.
Image: Valerio Pennicino/Getty Images Europe.
Did you spend the last 48 hours in your homemade duvet cave, eating nachos and taking in as much
sport as possible between well deserved naps? We did.
Players disrespecting referees is a big problem in many European leagues. Not so much in the
Bundesliga, though. Image: THOMAS KIENZLE/AFP/Getty Images.
While everyone in England was caught up in the now traditional FA Cup bicker-fest, the rest of
the European Leagues had a peculiar stillness about them this weekend.
Two women. Two crucial football matches. One widescreen TV. One slightly dodgy internet feed.
Copious amounts of white wine & fruit juice.
Ain't no party like a liver failure party and a liver failure party don't stop.
We thought that supplying the Kellys with all the equipment they demanded might compel them to
produce full match reports of the Copa Del Rey quarter-final and the Carling Cup semi-final.
Sydney Leroux (r) and Alex Morgan celebrate one of Leroux's five (!) second half goals. Image: AP
Photo/The Canadian Press.
Hearty congrats to the USWNT who are currently storming their way through the CONCACAF Olympic
Qualifying tournament with so much ease that they're actually attracting criticism.
Another editorial meeting has sadly ended in a fist fight, but never fear, folks! Before the
riot vans arrived and broke up the scratching, hissing, potty mouthed messed rolling around the
office floor, we managed to agree on bringing you intermittent news of the Africa Cup Of
Nations.
This will include, but not be limited to, pictures of semi-naked players, breaking short tent
news, and, if the bail money can be collected in time, the occasional result too.
Who does this tasty torso and tent combo belong to? Answers can be found in the relevant section.
Image: AP Photo/Frank Augstein.
This weekend's games offered their usual blend of record breaking rude boys, incomprehensible
decision making and unnecessarily harsh twists of fate.
Be still our beating hearts; the summer break is a looooong way away.
They won 2-1. Imagine what Xavi would have done to celebrate winning the Balon D'or. Image via
twitter.
Real talk: how many of you guestimated the measurements of Xavi's youknowwhat?
Copa Del Rey
Real Madrid 1-2 Barcelona
No Pepe, we couldn't believe our eyes either.
Daniele De Rossi. Squandered several opportunities to show off his skillz in the rain. Image:
Maurizio Lagana/Getty Images Europe.
We've got backchat, confusion and a massive moisture failure to deal with today, Kickettes.
What are you waiting for? An invitation?
EPL
Amazing news from the EPL this weekend, with Arsenal losing 3-2 to Swansea and manager Arsene
Wenger taking the unprecedented step of blaming the referee.
Warning. This picture of Erik Lamela could cause muscle spasm and/or blindness. Image: AP
Photo/Riccardo De Luca.
Domestic cup competitions dominate the Midweek Results this week, but for once, that's not a bad
thing.
Go ahead and run along now, Kickettes. It's not polite to keep these pretty footballers
waiting.
GB's legs can only treat one customer at a time so please grab a number and get in line behind us.
A 3-2 home to defeat to their bitter rivals might've been bad news for City players and fans, but
it was brilliant fodder for our nefarious, non-partisan purposes. Image: Alex Livesey/Getty
Images.
Alan Connell celebrates his goal in Swindon Town's 2-1 win over Wigan Athletic with a gentle smooch
of team mate Paul Caddis. How nice. Image: Scott Heavey/Getty Images Europe.
If you haven't been paying much attention to our editorial guidelines, we tend to wade in the
lower league pools of English football pretty during cup competitions only.
Like all responsible pet owners, we left our snark in the office over New Year. We ensured it
had adequate food, water and celebrity list programmes to see it through the night, with the TV
turned up loud to avoid firework-related outbursts.
We were concerned that it might be sulking today and therefore refuse to contribute to the first
results post of 2012, but you'll be relieved to see it's in fine form and frolicking around our
captions like nothing had even happened.
Favourite part of the festive feast? Hmm. Plump and juicy Welsh thigh? Image: Jamie McDonald/Getty
Images.
Only the English are mad enough to carry on playing football during the festive break. We really
shouldn't cover the EPL results as it probably just encourages the FA to interfere with our quite
spectacular hangovers, but even in the midst of these
waking-up-in-the-morning-and-working-out-who-we-need-to-apologise-to times, we never forget you,
the reader.
Image Credit: AP Photo/Stanley Gontha.
We don't often get to use the terms 'mayhem' and 'drama' when we're talking about the KNVB Beker
(Dutch Cup). That's mainly because we rarely bother to cover it, but our attention was drawn
specifically to the game between AZ Alkmaar and Ajax last night, when a fan onto the pitch and
tried to attack Alkmaar 'keeper Esteban.
Don't panic, Marek. There's so much gel in there, the ball is more likely to burst than your hairdo
suffer any damage. Image: Giuseppe Bellini/Getty Images.
Y'know, this results post is about as far from comprehensive as it's possible to be without
actually failing to produce one at all.
On the plus side, we've got most of our pressies wrapped, festive manicures booked and the power
outages in the office due to cheap tree lights are down to about three an hour.
A goal that may well save your EPL lives deserves more than a glimpse of a toned tummy, Nigel.
We'll start with full kit and base layer removal and work down from there. Chop, chop! Image:
REUTERS/Phil Noble.
A player nudity fail is critical at this time of year. We're not exactly rolling in images of
naked footballers here, contrary to reports.
Schalke's Kyriakos Papadopoulos. Recently identified as a player that 4 out of 6 Kickette staff
members wouldn't mind seeing (naked) in their stocking. The other two claim his tongue looks weird.
Image: AFP PHOTO / PATRIK STOLLARZ.
'Tis the season of miracles, and a time to take stock of all the things in life you should be
grateful for.
Yes indeed. That's Cesc Fabregas in his panties. And Victor Valdes on the toilet? Images via
totalbarca.
Even if you'd managed to remain unaware that Barcelona had flown to Japan to take part in the
FIFA World Club Championship, the news that David Villa broke his leg in the semi-final vs.
Two nearly naked footballers in one day? Our beakers runneth over! Thanks Stefan Nikolic of Steaua
Bucharest. Image: REUTERS/Bogdan Cristel.
We realise we made a huge deal about not covering the Europa League last season. But obviously,
recent events from in the Champions League have forced our hand and we thought we should show
willing before the big boys come.
Like the Kickette HQ pets, Poldi loves a rub between the ears as a reward for good work. But is he
prone to stealing food and peeing on the rug too? Image: AFP PHOTO / PATRIK STOLLARZ.
The games featured in this results posts are as randomly selected and disorganised as the
contents of an average Kickette staffer's desk draw.
This must be what football journos mean when they say a team 'jubilates' after winning. Image
Credit: AP Photo/Andres Kudacki.
Missed any important action this weekend? Well, firstly you should be ashamed of yourselves, as
we slaved over a hot Weekend Preview post so that wouldn't happen.
Second, why don't you just pop to the off-licence, purchase a bottle of their finest champers
and Fed-Ex it to Kickette HQ by way of apology?
Xabi Alonso strokes his beard whilst mulling over his team's chances of winning this weekend's El
Clasico.
It's going to be a big, contentious weekend of footy, we can feel it.
Short on time or interest to catch all the action as it happens? Yeah, we can feel that too.
There is a solve, though, that we've never explored before.
Image: REUTERS/Murad Sezer.
'Come back with our shirts, you caffeine-and-vodka-fuelled harridans from hell!'
Galatasaray were so enraged by our audacious sneak attack during their game vs. Fenerbahce last
night, we decided not to bother going for the shorts as well. We weren't necessarily put off by
their anger, but we were getting a little bogged down in our heels as we ran across the wet
pitch.
Wow. Just. WOWIE. Or indeed, as our favourite fur-smurf once said... wowzers.
Last night was either a thrilling or agonising night of footy, depending on whether you favour
French or English football.
Before we rehash last night's drama using our trademarked system of pictures and snark, let us
hit you with this: which match do our Kickettes think produced the most incredible or shocking
result over these past two days?
One team's heartbreak is another's excuse for throwing about the diminutive architect of their last
minute win. Image: AP Photo/Frank Augstein.
It's getting sirius in the Champions League, people. Our manicure and drinking schedules are
not equipped to deal with this much mania so early in the tournament.
Clint Dempsey scored the only goal in Fulham's 1-0 victory over Liverpool at Craven Cottage last
night, breaking Brian McBride's record to become the top American scorer in EPL history. His former
club, New England Revolution, tweeted their congratulations to the USMNT player after the goal,
which takes his EPL tally to 37.
Gareth Bale was among several players to make a personal tribute to Gary Speed this weekend.
Image: Jamie McDonald/Getty Images Europe.
There were substantial scorelines, touching tributes and what must have amounted to an entire
deck of cards across the European leagues this weekend.
Why waste time pontificating?
We rarely get perfectly positioned upshort shots like this, and now that it's actually happened,
the demonic phantom that is Georgios' base layers has impeded our pleasure. Woe is us.
Things that girls know that boys have apparently failed to embrace #32: It is never acceptable to
wipe one's nose on one's blouse. Not even when you've consumed a container ship's worth of
champagne and couldn't locate your nose with a map. Image: MIGUEL RIOPA/AFP/Getty Images.
A title that truly embody's the spirit of this post.
Cardiff players gave unfortunate Blackburn a tough examination at the City Stadium last night.
Snork. Image: Stu Forster/Getty Images.
Sorry. We just couldn't resist.
Carling Cup
Arsenal 0-1 Manchester City
A rough night at the Emirates for Sami.
Stephen Taylor: does he look like a guy who has seen 'Return Of The Jedi' more than three times?
Image: Getty Images.
One of us accidentally padded out our football viewing this weekend with episodes from the Star
Wars trilogy. Can you guess which staffer that was?
EPL
Er.
We rather liked the look of Moritz Leitner when he replaced Sven Bender in Arsenal's victory over
Dortmund last night. Further investigations confirmed that he is indeed the type of tender,
succulent manmeat we thrive on. Anyone else feeling peckish? Image: Getty Images.
Marginally better that Tuesday night's action, if your criteria includes clothing removal,
short-tents and potential for sarcasm.
Shall we kick off proceedings with a game of 'Guess the Tushie?' Your recently demonstrated
prowess in the area implied you like it. PHILIPPE DESMAZES/AFP/Getty Images.
Apologies for the dearth of flesh in today's round-up, Kickettes; it seems that the weather is
closing in across Europe and the nekkid has gone into hibernation.
Image: Manuel Queimadelos Alonso/Getty Images.
Rich boys and their toys, controversial storylines and rather startling events occurring in
the shower.
What else is football but a big old soap opera?
EPL
Frank Lampard & Craig Bellamy discuss the proposed script changes.
Presumably there will be consequences for Robbie Keane failing to return to LA Galaxy to prepare
for the MLS Cup game on Sunday. We doubt he gives a crap, though. Image: Laurence Griffiths/Getty
Images.
A bumper edition of results for you today, including the odd sneaky reference to games we *may*
have neglected to cover at the weekend.
Wow. JT's only been benched for a game and already Frank has found a new BFF. Will his former
bezzie cope? Image: Alex Livesey/Getty Images Europe.
Bad news. Due to a series of unexpected international friendly results at the weekend, the
'Kickette Betting for Beverages' budget has taken a massive hit.
