AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. GET OUT OF MY WAY -- WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME???!??!?!?!? WHY!?!?!?!?!

2. ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC SLAPPING PEOPLE -- IS IT STILL THE YEAR 1992 WHEN MEN WOULD SETTLE THEIR DIFFERENCES WITH A SLAP AND A DUEL WHILE MC HAMMER'S "2 LEGIT 2 QUIT" PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND?

By Chris Wright

'The Hart Fart' appears to be a phenomenon that most Man City fans are aware of already, being as though their official in-house television channel has already produced an in-depth analysis package to accompany the video.

For the unenlightened, the clip is taken from City's 2011 blooper reel and sees Joe Hart letting go of a little bum toot in the back of a taxi, with captain Vincent Kompany trying desperately to keep a straight face in order to admonish young Joseph and his rogue sphincter, while Micah Richards just explodes in fits of howling laughter.

Man City's official YouTube channel has provided a lot of unexpected entertainment over its relatively short existence and has already become a model for other clubs to follow. It does, however, go off the rails from time to time (City kitman Les Chapman's "nature watch" segment where he tracks down a ginger kid in his underpants).

John Terry has been England captain three times. He has been stripped of the captaincy three times. Rio Ferdinand has been England captain once. He does not want the England captaincy again. Steven Gerrard has been overlooked for the England captaincy several times. He is no longer a guaranteed starter in the side.

There's something beautifully eerie about Arsenal's Emirates stadium when it experiences a night of snowfall. It almost looks like a scene out of the Twilight Zone and the colour of the sky just takes you to a different place. What are these goose pimples? Bring back November, please!

Their is a lot of uncertainity over who will be the next England Captain after John Terry was sensationally axed from the position last week. Favourites for the job United's Rio Ferdinand ruled himself out of the running while Man City's Joe Hart has down played his chances of replacing Terry.

Clint Dempsey and Fulham had no luck against Manchester City at a snowy Emirates Stadium, falling 3-0. City were up from the penalty spot within ten minutes, making it 2-0 from an own-goal. It was 3-0 in the 72nd, with Joe Hart picking up the shutout. "In the second half I think we had more possession," Fulham manager Martin Jol said.

John Terry is at the thick of it all again. Here's my thoughts: Yes, the FA had considerable case to strip him, but in doing so they have effectively gone against their own coach (don't these people ever communicate with each other? It's almost as though they pass messages to each other though the press.

The news broke this morning that the FA had finally taken some action over the John Terry racism affair. Terry has been stripped of the England captaincy with immediate effect. Of course the inadequate FA fell short of suspending him from playing for his country and it's unlikely that Terry will be big enough to remove himself for selection.

People, please! Form an orderly queue for a glimpse of the hawt. Images: Alex Livesey/Getty Images Europe.

Dear Sir,

We don't blame you for handcuffing yourself to a goalpost during the first half of Everton's 1-0 victory over Manchester City in the EPL last night. Many have mocked you, but we often find it hard to resist the magnetic power of Joe Hart as well.

By Chris Wright

Whereas I'm pretty sure it would have still gone in on the other side of Joe Hart's goal, Darron Gibson's heavily deflected winner against Man City last night saw his old club Manchester United go level on points with their rivals at the summit of the Premier League pretty much making his goal last night the best thing he ever did for United, indeed they were chanting his name 30 miles away at Old Trafford when the news broke.

By Chris Wright

You may have noticed that Everton's win over Man City at Goodison had to be halted last night for five or so minutes when a fan made his way onto the pitch and handcuffed himself to the frame of Joe Hart's goal, before having the cuffs taken off with boltcutters, being forcibly removed by the police and ejected from the ground entirely.

1. There's not too many Manchester United fans moaning this morning that Darron Gibson is a one-trick pony who only hits piledrivers from the edge of the box. 2. Manchester City goalkeeper Joe Hart didn't realise that having a man on the post was an occupational hazard rather than a tactical decision at Goodison Park.

For a guy who had a tough time finding the pitch for Manchester United, Darron Gibson certainly helped his former employer on Tuesday. His 19-yard deflected strike beat Joe Hart at the hour mark, and Everton earned the home victory ...
This is a content summary. Visit http://www.epltalk.com to read the entire article

By Alan Duffy

Everton 1-0 Manchester City Premier League 31st January 2012

Roberto Mancini's nouveau riche Citizens just can't seem to put any decent daylight between them and their Manchester rivals in the race for the title.

A pitch invader managed to handcuff himself to Joe Hart's goalpost during Everton's Premier League match against Manchester City at Goodison Park. The match was halted for about five minutes as police had to bring out a set of bolt cutters to pry the agitated man off the pitch.

His reasoning for the protest didn't seem to have anything to do with the game or the clubs involved, though.

Because knowing the final score makes Joe Hart's heroics far less frustrating. Because Craig Bellamy is fantastic, even if for the final twenty minutes he was on the pitch it was hard not to worry his knees would explode every time he took off. Because the crowd was absolutely phenomenal and we could easily have devoted an entire entry to videos of just that.

Two women. Two crucial football matches. One widescreen TV. One slightly dodgy internet feed. Copious amounts of white wine & fruit juice.

Ain't no party like a liver failure party and a liver failure party don't stop.

We thought that supplying the Kellys with all the equipment they demanded might compel them to produce full match reports of the Copa Del Rey quarter-final and the Carling Cup semi-final.

Liverpool set up a Carling Cup final against Cardiff after playing out a thrilling 2-2 draw with Manchester City at Anfield to advance 3-2 on aggregate.
Trailing 1-0 from the first leg, City quickly drew level on aggregate thanks to a superb long-range strike from defensive midfielder Nigel de Jong that flew into the top corner.

Steven Gerrard recognized the contribution of Craig Bellamy after Liverpool beat Manchester City 3-2 on aggregate in the semi-finals of the Carling Cup.
The Reds booked their place in the final against Cardiff by playing out a 2-2 draw with City at Anfield on Wednesday - to maintain their advantage after a 1-0 win at the Etihad Stadium a fortnight ago.

Video: Carling Cup: Liverpool/Man City

Kenny Dalglish feeling the heat after a series of underwhelming displays by Liverpool in the Premiership was able to get a satisfying consolation in today's Carling Cup match pipping City to the Wembley finals.

Nigel De Jong gave City the lead to level the aggregate.

Craig Bellamy once again starred for Liverpool as they booked their place in the League Cup final with a 2-2 draw against Manchester City. This resulted in Liverpool winning the semi-final 3-2 on aggregate.

Liverpool were the dominant team in the second leg of the semi-final and if it wasn't for the heroics of Joe Hart Liverpool could quiet easily run away with the game.

By Alan Duffy

Liverpool 2-2 Manchester City (Aggregate 3-2) Carling Cup Semi-final 25th January 2012

Liverpool came from behind twice against Manchester City at Anfield to secure a place in the final of the Carling Cup, and their first appearance at Wembley in 16 years.

Liverpool 2 Gerrard 40′ (pk), Bellamy 74′
Manchester City 2 de Jong 31′, Dzeko 67′

"Would it be a risk to play defensively?" the reporter asked Kenny Dalglish as Liverpool prepared to face Manchester City at Anfield in the second leg of the League Cup semi-finals.

Liverpool win 3-2 on aggregate
Goals:
De Jong 31'
Gerrard 40' (pen)
Dzeko 67'
Bellamy 74'
*Shakes head* Football, man. Football.
So much for Liverpool holding what they had. This was no lock-down defensive effort. Liverpool played defense by attacking, and would have settled the tie far sooner if not for Joe Hart's continuing brilliance.

The great irony here being that if it was Peter Crouch, it 100% would have gone inFootball, the great reducing force in all our lives. If Jermain Defoe had stretched for that Bale cross just a millisecond earlier, we'd all be headed to work this morning without that overbearing sense of melancholy that you're probably still feeling.

By Chris Wright

Given that he really shouldn't have been on the pitch by that time, Tottenham had every right to feel absolutely bloody eviscerated at the final whistle seeing as Mario Balotelli both won and then subsequently rolled home a 95th-minute penalty to nab all three points for Man City with the final touch of the game at the Etihad.

Manchester City maintain their lead at the top of table and also widen their gap with third place team, Tottenham Hotspurs after Roberto Mancini's team edged passed Harry Redknapp's boys this Sunday.

Controversial Italian striker, Mario Balotelli arrived as City's savior in the match after scoring the winning goal deep in injury time.

By David Walker

The January transfer window is often a frenzied time with chairmen, managers and agents battling against the clock to secure new players. As a result, many players who move during this period often do so at over-inflated transfer fees and are hit-or-miss in terms of success.

Manchester city headed 3 points clear as they recorded a win over Wigan although the match certainly won't go down as one of the greatest City performances of all time. I got a rather uneasy feeling just before kick-off and it proved to be quite a nervy game all round as, I think it's fair to say, City scrapped away to get a 1-0 victory in a half empty DW Stadium.

Manchester City finally ended their bad run and also kept their lead at the top of the premier league after picking up a pretty hard fought victory against Wigan Athletic on Monday.

Bosnian international striker, Edin Dzeko, ended his 11th matches goal drought to bring joy again for Man City's faithful after Roberto Mancini's side were disappointed in FA Cup and Carling Cup matches few days ago.

Jose Reina believes the Anfield faithful can play a big part in helping Liverpool book their place in the Carling Cup final.
The Reds hold the upper hand in their semi-final showdown with Manchester City, with Steven Gerrard's penalty at the Etihad Stadium handing them a narrow lead.
The road to Wembley will now head to Merseyside on 25th January, with everything riding on the second leg of an evenly poised encounter.

Steven Gerrard gives Liverpool the edge at 13mins

Liverpool will go to the second leg of the Carling Cup Semi Final with a 1 goal advantage. A penalty given away by Stefan Savic's foul on Daniel Agger, appearing to be slight accidental contact, however there was no questioning the decision.

Captain Fantastic...Liverpool were victorious in the first leg of the Carling Cup Semi Final with Manchester City last night courtesy of a Steven Gerrard penalty. Manager Kenny Dalglish used tactics to his advantage as Liverpool began to park the bus in the second half. Man City could do nothing to get an effort past the Liverpool defence let alone past Pepe Reina who was left relatively jobless throughout the 90 minutes.

Manchester City slumped to their second home defeat in four days as Steven Gerrard's early penalty moved Liverpool to within 90 minutes of their first Wembley appearance since 1996.
Lacking key men, including skipper Vincent Kompany who sat forlornly in the stands as he began a four-match ban, and drained by the energy exerted at having to play for 78 minutes with 10 men against Manchester United at the weekend, City were a shadow of their usual selves.

Liverpool will take a 1-0 advantage back to Anfield after defeating Manchester City in their Carling Cup semi-final on Wednesday.
A first-half penalty from Steven Gerrard was all that separated the sides at the Etihad Stadium after City defender Stefan Savic clumsily felled a charging Daniel Agger in the box.

Goals:
Gerrard 13' (pen)
The same template we saw when Liverpool traveled to Stamford Bridge, and more than a hint of Benitez-era Champions League matches. Get the goal, kill the game. So, will one goal be enough in two weeks time?
If not for Joe Hart, Liverpool would have taken the lead even earlier.

Liverpool are now one step closer to reaching the Carling Cup Final after an impressive display at Etihad Stadium. Liverpool were by far the better team in the first half, keeping possession well and creating chances.

They were rewarded in the 11th minute when Daniel Agger was fouled in the box by Stefan Savic.

Many Liverpool fans believe that Pepe Reina is currently the best goalkeeper in England, Kenny Dalglish's assistant Steve Clarke clearly doesn't agree. In an interview on LFC TV last night, Clarke was previewing today's Carling Cup semi-final first leg, and he inadvertently admitted that he believes Reina is behind City keeper Joe Hart in the overall quality stakes.

Alan Connell celebrates his goal in Swindon Town's 2-1 win over Wigan Athletic with a gentle smooch of team mate Paul Caddis. How nice. Image: Scott Heavey/Getty Images Europe.

If you haven't been paying much attention to our editorial guidelines, we tend to wade in the lower league pools of English football pretty during cup competitions only.