Horror Hair


Horror Hair: Marouane Fellaini Made To Look Adorable With ‘Pig-Tail’ Bunches In Magazine Photoshoot

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With an excess of thick, wiry hair and a beard line that seems to stop mere centimetres below his eyesockets, Marouane Fellaini has never been the easiest chap to look at for long periods of time.

Now, thanks to GQ Style, the Belgian blockhouse has somehow managed to make his signature look even sillier with the addition of Minnie Mouse-style 'ears' to the outskirts of his cranium.

Horror Hair Hall Of Fame: Misty-Eyed Retrospective Of Neymar’s Most Ludicrous Looks, 2010-2013

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With Neymar about to make the second show-stopping enormo-move of his career, Pies thought we'd offer a timely glimpse back into his humble-ish beginnings at Santos.

Specifically, we simply fancied making fun of his old 2008-2013 hairstyles, almost all of which were astounding exercises in follicular folly.

Horror Hair Special: 10 People/Things That Andy Carroll’s New Braids Look A Bit Like

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You go away for a few days, for Christmas no less, and return to this nonsense...

Complied hereunder are Pies initial reaction to the West Ham battering ram's daring new 'do, which is giving us subtle shades of....

British Bulldog

Obligatory 'Monica with dreadlocks' reference

His gawky teenage self

Chingachgook, The Last of the Mohicans

This delicious loaf of bread

Pippi Longstocking

Vintage Jamie Vardy

Thisfancy horse

Snoop Dogg

An apple strudel

Why can't the white boys just leave the braids alone?

Horror Hair: Jamie Vardy And His Grotty Looking Cornrows, Circa 2013 (Photo)

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Here at Pies, we feel it's our duty to continually remind people that, amid the ever-escalating hype and adoration surrounding him, Jamie Vardy was found guilty of a gross cultural misdemeanour not so very long ago.

We are of course referring to the time when, if only fleetingly, he was a whiteblokefrom Sheffield with cornrows.

Horror Hair: Paul Pogba’s New Music-Themed ‘Do Is Particularly Noteworthy (Photo)

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Never one to hide his light under a bushel when it comes to furnishing his head with an outrageous, asymmetric dye job or two, Paul Pogba hasn't let us down with his latest effort.

Having bleachedboth trees and stars into his hair over the past few weeks, Pogba turned up for a media event at Clairefontaine today with a brand new style to show off.

Horror Hair: All Hail Carlisle Winger Bastien Héry And His Abysmal Candy Floss Puffball Dye-Job (Photo)

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Gird yourselves for this one Pies fans, as it truly is a Horror Hair offering for the ages.

This man is Bastien Héry, otherwise known as the bloke whose fluffed penalty against Liverpool sent Carlisle toppling out of the Capital One Cup last night...

Appalling. Just...appalling.

We'd like to thank Talking Baws for pointing out thatHéry appears to have asked his barber to sort him out with 'the Nando's chicken' look.

Horror Hair: Juventus Fan Has Juan Cuadrado’s Face Shaved Into The Back Of His Head (Photo)

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After his entirely pointless stint at Chelsea ended in a ghostly fart of a whimper earlier in the summer, Juan Cuadrado is currently enjoying something of a new lease of life at Juventus.

Cuadradoreturned to Serie A last month after a dismal six months at Stamford Bridge, with Juve fans flocking to greet him at Turin airport and welcome the Colombian winger back onto Italian soil such was the fervour over his signing.

Horror Hair: Dani Alves’ Dreadful Copa Del Rey Final Offering Really Must Be Seen To Be Believed! (Photos)

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By Chris Wright

So, we feel we need to talk about Dani Alves' specially-selected hairstyle for the Copa Del Rey final...

Let's face it, alarm bells should always be set ringing when Neymar's roadkill neo-mullet isn't the most ridiculous hairstyle in any given photo.

What in the blaugrana blazes is that thing supposed to be?

17 Years, One Sensible Haircut: Steven Gerrard’s Hair Evolution Mapped Out In Football Stickers (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

There we were, busy painstakingly compiling a season-by-season photographic retrospective appraisal of Steven Gerrard's 17-year hair portfolio only forthe bloody BBC to go and steal our thunder by cobbling this little beauty together...

Steven Gerrard: 17 seasons, one sensible haircut.

Horror Hair: Serial Offender Dominic Oduro Debuts Brave New ‘Montreal Impact’ Mohawk (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

You may remember Dominic Oduro as the former Columbus Crew wingerwho once had a slice of pizza shaved and dyed into his hair for the sole reason that he bloody well loves pizza.

Well, that and the fact that he was probably givena few quid by Crew sponsors Papa Johns to do so.

20 Photos Of Charlie Nicholas Looking Totally Ridiculous

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By Chris Wright

Before he was "Just sitting there thinking..." on Soccer Saturday all the live long day, Charlie Nicholas was 'Champagne Charlie' one of the flashiestfootballing playboys of the 1980s, with the flouncy mullet and little diamond ear-stud (which he proudly still sports to this very day) to prove it.

Easter Special: Top 10 Football Eggheads

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By Chris Wright

As a little bit of an Easter treat, we thought we'd dust off Pies'famous(ish) bald footballers compilation and give it a seasonal re-jig withthe inclusion of a few new faces in the barren-boncedparade ofEaster Eggheads.

Jonjo Shelvey

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Shit Lookalikes: Sheffield Wednesday Coach Jos Luhukay & Ron Mael From ‘Sparks’

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After sitting through Tuesday night's FA Cup tedious drudgefest between Swansea City and Sheffield Wednesday, the only highlight for Pies was noticing the sheer magnitude of Jos Luhukay's philtrum.

Not only is in the largest lip cleft we've ever seen, it's also thatched with the kind of trim, deltoid moustache that Ron Mael (he of 'Sparks' fame) would swoon over were he capable of human emotion.

Shit Lookalikes: Adama Traore & Vileda Classic Easy-Wring Mop

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Adama Traore debuted a boldnew hairstyle for Middlesbrough's drab 0-0 draw against Swansea on Sunday.

With Pies havingjust purchased a new mop a few days previous, Traore's straggly peroxide 'do looked instantly familiar...

One is highly manoeuvrableand providesa clean, clinical finish 100% of the time.

Shit Lookalike: Leighton Baines & Eddison Tollett Of The Night’s Watch

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We sat through Everton's Capital One Cup semi-final against Man City trying desperately to thinkwho Leighton Baines and his frankly appalling new barnet reminded us of.

Then it clicked...

Come on Leighton, sort it out son.

Shit Lookalikes: Dani Alves & Opie From ‘Family Guy’

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By Chris Wright

We knew we'd seen Dani Alves' Copa Del Rey 'vole turd' haircut before somewhere...

Got a Shit Lookalike for Pies? Email it over to us at waatpies@gmail.com or drop us a Tweet @waatpies and we'll happily give it a butcher's.

Shit Lookalikes: Jack Grealish & Every Single Member Of ‘New Kids On The Block’

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By Chris Wright

Of course, any powderpuff 90s boyband would work given the abject state of Grealish's barnet, but we just feel NKOTB collectively possess the requisite wet-look volume...

Sitting ona Shit Lookalike for Pies? Feel free submit it via email atwaatpies@gmail.

Manchester United

Heartbreaking: Alvaro Morata Dyed Hair Red For Man Utd Presentation But Had To Shave It Off When Transfer Collapsed (Photos)

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In one of the most heart-breaking sporting yarns of recent times, Alvaro Morata has had to shave his head after seeing his dream move to Manchester United wither to nowt.

The Spanish striker was so excited about joining United that he went and dyed his hair red for the big unveiling.

Unfortunately, despite looking like a formality at one point, Morata's big transfer then collapsed as United decided

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Horror Hair: Marouane Fellaini Reveals New Blonde Afro Do Ahead Of Euro 2016

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Footballers, understandably, want to look their best during a major international championship, with the eyes of the world upon them. One such player, Belgium and Manchester United beanpole Marouane Fellaini, has gone and got his hair did, and the result is a dyed Afro-tastic marvel...

Fellaini's blonde 'fro is sure to make him stand out in France.

Sir Alex Ferguson Once Forced David Beckham To Shave His Mohawk Off In The Wembley Toilets

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By Chris Wright

Think we might beon Fergie's side on this one

Safe to say, you don't have to go far to stumble across an example of the 'flashy son/disapproving father' relationship that David Beckham and Sir Alex Ferguson endured over the course of the former's time at Manchester United.

Bayern Munich

Bayern Munich: Carlo Ancelotti Admits He Has ‘No Control’ Over His Majestic Eyebrows

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Carlo Ancelotti has bravely addressed the one aspect of his personaland private life that fans have been speculating fervently over for years.

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We are of course talking about his magnificent eyebrows, which are so ridiculously expressive that you'd be forgiven for assuming they were being operated by animatronic puppeteers behind the scenes.

Bayern Munich: Mats Hummels Shows Up With Freshly-Dyed Blonde Hair, Even Lidl Have Subtle Dig (Photos)

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On Wednesday evening, Bayern Munich recorded a straightforward 3-0 win over Bundesliga upstarts RB Leipzig tospiritthemselves back to their rightful place on top of the pile.

Other than the result, the game was notable for two reasons: The first being Thiago Alcantara's masterful pass to Santa and the second being the debut of Mats Hummels' horrendous new dye-job.


Andrey Arshavin Gleefully Relieves Kazakh Journalist Of His Hair After Winning Goal-Scoring Wager (Photo & Video)

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Despite falling off the radar somewhat of late, we're pleased to inform you that Andrey Arshavin is still plugging away over in the Kazakhstan Premier League with FC Kairat Almaty.

In fact, the 35-year-old Russian forward has enjoyed a fairly decent debut season with Kairat, contributing eight goals in 25 appearances over the course.

Dye Hard With A Vengeance: Arsenal Midfielder Aaron Ramsey Shows Off Elaborate New Silver Hair Cut (Photo)

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As if to mirror the runner-up mentality imbued at the club, Arsenal midfielder Aaron Ramsey has gone and died his hair so-so silver for the start of the new season.

Looking suspiciously boyband-ish, the Welshman debuted his elaborate new fade cut on Twitter last night by posting a photo of his daring new barnet along with the caption "Silver lining".

Horror Hair: Andres Iniesta Takes To The Pitch Looking Like An Escaped Lobotomite (Photo)

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Looking like an escapee from a 1950s lobotomy clinic, Andres Iniesta debuted a daring new look while taking to the field for Barcelona against Arsenal last night...

He's holding on to thatlast smattering of hair for grim death.

Twitter was subsequently awash with suggestions as to quite what Iniesta had asked for at the barbers, given that four dayspriorhe had a perfectly reasonable barnet on the go.

Horror Hair: Tottenham Defender Danny Rose Berated By Fans After Turning Up With Red Hair (Photo)

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By Chris Wright

So, Tottenham defender Danny Rose has opted for this particular shade of red fortoday'sgame against Hull City...

Hmmm.Of all the hair dyes in all the world, he had to pick Arsenal red.

It should be noted that there are certain Spurs fans out there who despise the Gunners colours so much that they actively refuse to wear the club's current home shirt because ofthe red AIA logo on the front.

Alexis Sanchez Would Like You To Know He’s Smooth And Almost Entirely Hairless Thanks To His New Gillette Razor (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Here's Alexis Sanchez shilling for Gillette in his first advert of 2015.

The Arsenal star must really rate his new ProGlide razor, becuase it would appear that he has used it all over...

Gillette 2015 ......

A video posted by Alexis Sanchez (@alexis_officia1) on Apr 27, 2015 at 4:02am PDT

Grooming fact we wish we hadn't learned today: 'The Chilean' is obviously one level of hairlessness beyond 'The Brazilian'.


Euro 2016 Horror Hair: Ivan Perisic Pins His Croatian Colours To The Mast With Daring New ‘Do (Photo)

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"Sort that barnet out, son"

Having sported a plain old short back and sides for the group stages, it would appear that Croatia's Ivan Perisic has very much upped the ante in the hair stakes for the knockout rounds.

With a last 16 tie against Portugal in the offing, the 27-year-old winger has gone big for the occasion shaving and dying a massive swathe of red and white check into the back of his napper.

Top 10 Ultimate ‘One Haircut Wonder’ Footballers

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Wherein Pies doff our caps and pay 'umble accolade to those players who locked in their look early and stuck with it through thick and indeed, thin.

Are you sitting comfy bold two-square on your botty? Then we shall begin...

1. Xavi Hernandez

Wet and spiky. Like a sea anemone.

Ever Wondered What Aston Villa’s Entire First-Team Squad Would Look Like With Roy Keane’s Beard?

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By Chris Wright

With that in mind, here's exactly what each and every member of Aston Villa's first-team squad and staff would look like were they to be burnished with the impressive salt-and-pepper facial furniture of their assistant manager, Roy Keane...

Glad to be of service!

UEFA Europa League

Liverpool: Joe Allen Vows To Shave Off His Hair And Beard If He Scores In Europa League Final

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Dirty, manky, scraggy, infested, knackered and matted all perfectly serviceable words to describe Joe Allen's current hair and beard situation.

However, the hirsute Liverpool midfielder has reportedly vowed to unburden himself of his dense thicket on one proviso he scoresin the upcoming Europa League final.

Erik Lamela Scores Impish ‘Rabona’ Goal For River Plate’s Youth Team, 2009 (Video)

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By Chris Wright

Turns out Erik Lamela has previous in the rabona department, with a clip surfacing today of the Tottenham trickster tucking away a similarly audacious effort to his bamboozling goal against Asteras in the Europa League last night while playing in the River Plate youth team back in 2009.

The Rest

No Frills: Football Stickers Chart The Incredible Non-Evolution Of Gareth Barry (Photos)

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On the eve of his record-breaking 633rd Premier League appearance, Pies thought it only right to salute the most consistent player in top-flight history: Hastings' finest, Mr Gareth Barry.

As evident below, nothing has changed much in the 19 years since Barry made his debut for Aston Villa back in the last century.

Horror Hair: Genoa Striker Goran Pandev Reveals Bald Spot Shaped Like Gentleman’s Dangly Bits (Photo)

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As far back as we care to recall, Goran Pandev has never boasted much in the way of generous pate coverage, even during his sprightly mid-20s.

Now aged 34, the full horror of the Genoa striker's follicular recession was laid bare quite literally during Sunday's Serie A tie against Udinese.

When the Macedonian forward was subbed off in the latter stages of the first half, television cameras captured what can only be described as the cock-and-ball-shaped scalp lagoon that now languishes atop his bonce.

Horror Hair: Swansea’s New Signing Roque Mesa Just Looks Awful Across The Board (Photo)

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Photo: @SwansOfficial/Twitter

He may have the look of a veteran sicario for a Colombian drug cartel, but the man you see before you is actually Swansea City's latest summer acquisition.

Roque Mesa is his name, central-defending is his game and he last found gainful employ at La Liga side Las Palmas.

Asamoah Gyan (And 45 Other Players) Found Guilty Of Sporting ‘Unethical Hair’ By UAE Football Assocation

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Asamoah Gyan is one of 46 players deemed to have "unethical hair" according to theUnited Arab Emirates Football Association (UAEFA) guidelines.

As per BBC Sport, Gyan, who currently plays for Al-Ahli in Dubai, is guilty of sporting a 'Qaza' barnet, which are forbiddenby some of the stricter strains of Islam adhered toin Saudi Arabia.

Official: Sunderland Spend £13.6m On Didier Ndong, A Man With Very Curious Hair (Photos)

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As part of their deadline day dealings, Sunderland have spent £13.6million to bring in Didier Ndong from Lorient.

#SAFC have completed the signing of midfielder Didier Ndong from Lorient for 16m euros. #WelcomeDidier pic.twitter.com/S2ptfgv5cw

— Sunderland AFC (@SunderlandAFC) August 31, 2016

The 22-year-old Gabon international midfielder (who was dubbed 'the new Michael Essien' during his 18 months at Lorient) has signed a five-year deal with the Black Cats.

South Korea Striker Kang Soo-Il Blames Failed Dope Test On Use Of Moustache-Growing Cream

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By Chris Wright

South Korean striker Kang Soo-Il was supposed to be making his international debut for his country tonight but instead found himself dropped from the squad entirely after failing a pre-match doping test.

Soo-Il, who plays for K-League side Jeju United at club level, tested positive before South Korea's friendly against the UAE on Thursday evening and was subsequently stood downby coach Uli Stielike.

‘Griezmannia’ Is Running Wild: Mothers Weep As Horror Hair Epidemic Has Youth Of Madrid In Its Peroxide Grasp

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By Chris Wright

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Here at Pies, we endeavour to keep you abreast of the latest in Horror Hair knockings, so we feel duty-bound to inform you of a follicular epidemic that has Madrid in its bleach-blonde grip and is currently reducing hundreds,nay, thousands of distraught mothers to tears right across the city.

Chairman Of Turkish Club Genclerbiligi Vows To Fine Any Player Caught Growing A Beard

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By Chris Wright

Something tells us Arda Turan will not be joiningGenclerbirligi any time soon

The chairmanof Turkish sideGenclerbirligi has vowed to rid his club of the current hipster beard scourge sweeping the globe by slapping any player caught sprouting excess facial hair with an on-the-spot fine.