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christmas football gift guide

Pies’ 2017 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.7: Official West Ham Disposable Baby Nappies

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It's that time of year again, when Pies offer you all a timely assist with the oft-perilous task of purchasing Christmas presents for that football-obsessed maniac in your life.

A tenner for a pack of 12. That's all you really need to know...

Photo: West Ham Online Store

Merry Christmas, from one overpriced plastic turd receptacle to another.

Pies’ 2017 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.6: Official PSG Neymar Pizza Cutter Wheel

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It's that time of year again, when Pies offer you all a timely assist with the oft-perilous task of purchasing Christmas presents for that football-obsessed maniac in your life.

When you spend €200million on a player, you're not just investing in his footballing talent but his worldwide commercial value too.

Pies’ 2017 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.5: Official Fiorentina Dishwasher Stickers

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It's that time of year again, when Pies offer you all a timely assist with the oft-perilous task of purchasing Christmas presents for that football-obsessed maniac in your life.

For the Calcioholic who has everything, why not delve into the Fiorentina club store and pick up a vinyl sticker that instantly transforms your dishwasher into a artistic silhouetted rendering of the Florence skyline?

Pies’ 2017 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.4: The Misspelled ‘Shefield United’ Collector’s Edition Calendar

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It's that time of year again, when Pies offer you all a timely assist with the oft-perilous task of purchasing Christmas presents for that football-obsessed maniac in your life.

In this instance, we thought we'd draw your attention to a piece of seasonal memorabilia that is almost certain to become a valuable collector's edition in the future.

Pies’ 2017 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.2: Official Rosenborg Felt Table Pads

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It's that time of year again, when Pies offer you all a timely assist with the oft-perilous task of purchasing Christmas presents for that football-obsessed maniac in your life.

How about a magnificent set of official Rosenborg BK 'bordbeskytters' or 'felt table pads' if you prefer the Anglicised vernacular.

Pies’ 2017 Christmas Gift Guide, No.1: Official Notts County Coffee Table

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It's that time of year again, when Pies offer you all a timely assist with the oft-perilous task of purchasing Christmas presents for that football-obsessed maniac in your life.

We're kicking off the 2017 edition of our guide with a piece of furniture-based finery, the calibre of which we don't often stumble across when perusing the official football club webstores of the world.

Videos

Pies’ Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.3: Official Lyon Toaster That ‘Cheers’ When Your Toast Pops Up (Video Evidence)

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It's that time of year again, when Pies offer you all a timely assist with the oft-perilous task of purchasing Christmas presents for that football-obsessed maniac in your life.

Now, we've seen plenty of club-themed toasters in the past, with German teams such as Hannover, Borussia Dortmund, Hertha Berlin and St.

Backfire: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain Goes Undercover In Liverpool Club Shop Only To Receive Brutal Criticism From Young Fan (Video)

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As part of their 'School of Scouse' series, MBNA had Liverpool legend Robbie Fowler introduce a batch of new recruits Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Dominic Solanke and Andrew Robertson to the Liverpudlian way of life.

The Ox's induction saw the midfielder go incognito has a regular member of the public and start mingling inside the Liverpool club shop while Fowler, stationed in a van outside, fed him instructionsthrough an ear piece.

Man City Stars Aguero, De Bruyne, Ederson And Otamendi Have Crack At Professional Make-Up Artistry (Photos & Video)

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Photo: Wix

Man City big-hitters Sergio Aguero and Kevin De Bruyne might be dab hands when it comes to cleaving Premier League defences in twain, but it's fair to say their talents don't really extend to the make-up chair.

As part of a link-up with Wix, Aguero, De Bruyne and a light smattering of other City players were introduced to professional make-up artist Marihen Gimenez and immediately put to work with brushes and blushers.

Women’s Champions League: Three Gintra Universitetas Players Combine To Miss Completely Open Goal Against Barcelona (Video)

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Image: LFRA

Lithuanian side Gintra Universitetas fell to a comprehensive 6-0 defeat to Barcelona in the Last 16 of the Women's Champions League on Wednesday evening.

At 3-0 down, Gintra did carve themselves out a glorious chance to grab a consolation thanks to an error from Barca 'keeper Sandra Panos but alas, the three cooks presented with the open-goal gift managed to spoil the broth in magnificently woeful fashion.

Oopsy Daisy: Mainz ‘Keeper Robin Zentner Literally Takes Eye Off Ball, Almost Concedes In Ludicrous Fashion (Video)

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After roaring into 19th-minute lead, Mainz held on to earn a 1-1 draw against Borussia Monchengladbach in the Bundesliga on Saturday afternoon.

Gladbach eventually equalised throughJan Vestergaard in the 67th minute but they were almost gifted a route back into the match much earlier, when Mainz goalkeeper Robin Zentner came perilously close to dropping a superb clanger.

South Africa: Kaizer Chief Fan Keeps Himself Amused By Going Through Full Warm-Up Drill Alongside Players (Video)

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In all honesty, it's all been a little bit slow today in the wake of last night's Champions League blow-out, so feel free to enjoy this 'ere video of a Kaizer Chiefs fan while we continue to scrounge about for more meaty fodder.

The Chiefs took on Polokwane City in South Africa's Premier Soccer League on Tuesday evening, duelling their way to a goalless draw.

Instant Karma: West Ham Fan Plummets To Floor After Attempting To Pinch Mark Noble’s Shirt From Young Supporter (Video)

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There was a little divine retribution on show shortly after West Ham's resolute 3-2 win over Tottenham in the Carabao Cup on Wednesday evening.

After dragging themselves back from 2-0 down and holding on for the victory, Hammers captain Mark Noble made his way over to the away section at Wembley to celebrate.

Cyprus Swill: Matt Derbyshire Makes Extreme Hash Of Open-Goal Sitter For AC Omonoia (Video)

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Photo: @ACOmoniaNicosia/Twitter

AC Omonoia suffered a shock 2-1 defeat against little old Ermis Aradippou in theCypriot 1. Division on Sunday evening to further derail what is proving to be a slap-dash start to the season for the former.

After falling behind in the 14th minute, Omonoia pulled a goal back just before half-time when Hedwiges Maduro (formerly of the Dutch national side) stuck one away.

Can We All Take A Moment To Fully Appreciate Mamadou Sakho’s Baffling 91st-Minute Backheel Against Chelsea?

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On a weekend that saw Man City roll seven goals past Stoke, Kevin De Bruyne at his surgically-incisive best and Troy Deeney bulldoze over Arsenal's cojones, Pies' alternative highlight of the round came during stoppage time of Crystal Palace's somewhat unlikely 2-1 win over Chelsea at Selhurst Park.

League Two: Coventry City Present Striker Duckens Nazon With Perfectly Fitting ‘Goal Of The Month’ Trophy (Photo)

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Duckens Nazon has been crowned as the recipient of Coventry City's 'Goal of the Month' prize for September by virtue of his powerful 25-yarde drive against Swindon Town.

The Haitian striker, on loan from Wolverhampton Wanderers, thrashed home the winner in a 2-1 victory at the County Ground and subsequently emerged victorious a second time by garnering 61% of the vote.

Set-Piece Pioneers: Japanese High School Team Successfully Deploy Ingenious ‘Walking Wall’ Freekick Ruse, 2016 (Video)

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These days it's positively ubiquitous, but as strange as it is to think, the world had never seen the now-humdrum "walking wall" set-piece routine before January of last year.

Largely uncredited as they may be for innovating and subsequently adding such an instant staple to the football repertoire, 'twas the football team from East Fukuoka High School who first demonstrated the Monkees-style routine.

FAIL: Dutch Fourth Tier Side Harkemase Boys File Truly DIABOLICAL Open-Goal Miss Against VV Capelle (Video)

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Just keep it between the white sticks and you should be okay...

Sometimes it is simply beyond the realms of human communication to accurately describe the true diabolical nature of a hopelessly mangled open-goal sitter.

This, from Dutch Derde Divisie (fourth tier) side Harkemase Boys, is one such occasion.

Majestic: England Fan Provides Highlight Of The Night By ‘Scoring’ With Paper Aeroplane At Wembley (Video)

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Bored senseless by England's dreary performance against Slovenia last night, one supporter endeavoured to keep themselves entertained by making a paper aeroplane out of their match programme and sending it gliding out on the Wembley zephyrs.

However, the fan in question could have hardly hoped for a better pay-off as the aforementioned plane drifted down over the stands, with many fellow fans cottoning on and watching on eagerly as it soared majestically into the back of the net.

Slim Pickings: Crystal Palace’s ‘Goal Of The Month’ Poll For September Makes For Depressing Viewing (Video)

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At current state of play, seven games into the Premier League season, Crystal Palace are the only team in the top nine levels of the English football pyramid that's 30 different divisions to have zero league goals and zero league points to their name thus far.

With that in mind, it's perhaps unsurprising that material was a little thin on the ground when eminent Palace fanzine Five Year Plan came to cobble together their poll for the September Goal of the Month competition.

Light Fingers: Dortmund ‘Keeper Roman Burki Has Weird Pre-Match Ritual That Involves Pinching Balls (Video)

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Generally speaking, you don't have to look very far to find a professional footballer who is hopelessly enslaved to a pre-match superstition.

Some players flick light-switches, some don their kit in a strict order, some chant inside a hastily-scrawled hexagram, light candles and sacrifice newborn livestock to the satanic nether-lord.

FAIL: United Masters ‘Keeper Drops Scarcely Believable Clanger During Guam Soccer League Match (Video)

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Image: Guam FA

Laughing in the face of the potential nuclear threat of North Korea, the second tier of Guam's Budweiser Soccer League kicked off on Wednesday evening, with all eyes focused on the clash of the titans between Hyundai Family FC and United Masters.

Hyundai Masters eventually coasted to an 11-1 win, and that's not overly surprising considering the absolute gifts being laid on by the United Masters goalkeeper.

The Pure, Unbridled Crapness Of Scottish Football Encapsulated In Space Of Two Minutes (Video)

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If anybody ever tells you that Scottish football is anything less than pure unbridled sporting excellence, then you rise up to your full height, you fill your lungs, you look them square in the eye and you show them this video.

Encapsulated in less than two minutes, here is a succinct distillation of all the complex, scarcely believable madness that clearly makes football north of the wall the superior British offering.

Retro Classic: Football Italia Intro Sees Paul Gascoigne And James Richardson Combine To Create Comedy Gold, 1995 (Video)

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Paul Gascoigne explains his curious headwear to Lazio coach Zdenek Zeman, 1995

Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of the day that Gazzetta Football Italia aired on Channel 4 for the very first time.

We've spoken of our undying love for Football Italia before here on Pies, helping as it did to introduce a wide-eyed young fan to a world of football beyond watching Wolves grind out dull, mud-specked draws with Leicester City on Central Match Live every sodding weekend.

Impressive: Exeter City Coach Matt Taylor Turns Floodlights Off With Merest Flick Of His Hand (Video)

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Exeter City have come flying out of the traps in League Two this season, currently sitting as they are at the very top of the table with five games played.

Obviously the results have been good, but it looks like the Grecians specifically their defensive coach Matt Taylor may also be dabbling in the occult to help get points on the board.

Arsenal: If This Passionate, Anthemic Musical Plea Doesn’t Convince Alexis Sanchez To Stay, Nothing Will… (Video)

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Alexis Sanchez may well have 10 good reasons to leave Arsenal on transfer deadline day, but thankfully he now also has one good reason to stay.

From the same deranged, off-key genius who brought us 'Leave Right Now', the definitive anthem of the 2016/17 'Wenger Out' campaign, comes what might just prove to be the decisive factor in Sanchez's decision.

Bayern Munich: Franck Ribery Cheekily Unties Referee’s Boot Laces Before Whipping Home 20-Yard Freekick (Video)

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Bayern Munich got their DFB Pokal campaign off to a flying start on Saturday afternoon with a 5-0 rollicking of third-tier Chemnitzer FC.

Franck Ribery scored the fourth goal of the onslaught by tucking away a smart 20-yard free-kick, but not before having a cheeky fiddle with the referee's boot laces.

Comedy Classics: Mitchell & Webb’s Timeless Sky Sports Parody Advert – ‘Watch The Football’ (Video)

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As prescient now as it ever was, the following sketch succinctly crystallises what televised football has become an endless, mindless assault of HUGE gladiatorial matches abutted by HUGE honking opinions, regardless of the fact that you're actually sat watching Tony Cascarino stumble his way through Norwich City's goalless draw with Preston.

Paide In Full: Estonian Side Score Classy Own Goal Within 14 Seconds Of Kick-Off Without Opponents Touching The Ball (Video)

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If you think you're having a bad day at the office then spare a thought for Estonian side Paide Linnameeskond, who scored an own goal of real craft at the weekend.

Paide travelled to the country's capital city to face Levadia Tallinn in a vital last-16 Estonian Cup clash.

The away side gave their opponents the start dreams are made of by passing the ball neatly across defence before left-back Martin Kase tucked it away deftly in his own net with less than 15 seconds on the clock.

Crouchy Did NOT Have His Nachos: Peter Crouch Refutes Legendary Podcast Yarn About Him Demanding Food In Southampton Takeaway (Video)

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"Crouchy's Having His Nachos!"

It is quite possibly the finest piece of footballing apocrypha to emerge from the early podcast scene: the tale recounted by Guardian writer Sean Ingle of the time a friend of his was confronted by a rampaging Peter Crouch in a fast food restaurant in Southampton.

FA Cup

FA Cup First Round: Leatherhead Troll Billericay Owner Glenn Tamplin With Deliciously Pithy Dressing Room Sing-Song (Video)

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Everybody's favourite non-league vanity project, Billericay Town, went swaggering into an FA Cup first round fixture against fellow Isthmian Premier Division side Leatherhead on Thursday evening, coursing with the confidence instilled in them by their inspirational owner/manager Glenn Tamplin.

Non-League Snapshot Of The Day: Referee Rejects Concerns Over Potential Kit Clash In FA Cup Qualifier…

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Horsham FC welcomed Ashford United to their Culver Road ground on Saturday afternoon for an FA Cup first-round qualifying tie.

Unsurprising for a team nicknamed The Hornets, Horsham turned out in their usual delectable yellow and black home kit.

Horsham v Ashford United yesterday.

Non-League: Baldock Town Emit Hilarious Explanation After Live Twitter Updates For FA Cup Match Suddenly Stop With 10 Minutes Left

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Baldock Town of theSouth Midlands League played North Greenford United of the Combined Counties League in the preliminary rounds of the FA Cup of Sunday afternoon.

Fans of the home side unable to attend the big match were invited to follow their side's fortunes on social media, courtesy of regular live updates being emitted via Baldock Town's official Twitter account.

fail

Romanian Lower League Game Abandoned After Every Single Match Ball Hoofed Into Nearby River

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Bistrata Brosteni players warm up on their home pitch (Photo: Obiectiv)

Fans were no doubt dismayed when Sunday's big match betweenBistrita Brosteni andVanatorul Dorna Can­drenilor down in the Romanian fifth tier had to be abandoned with less than an hour played.

However, rather than crowd trouble, inclement weather or violent conduct of any sort, the match had to be nixed when a rampant bout of appalling accuracy in the second half created aterminal logistical shortcoming: there weren't any footballs left to play with.

Le Cringe: French Journalist Tricked By Spoof Report That Bordeaux Have Signed Younger Brother Of Brazilian Winger Malcom, Named ‘Douwi’

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Bordeaux winger Malcom is currently enjoying something of a breakout season in Ligue 1 this year, having already contributed three goals and four assists in the space of just seven appearances so far.

As such, it's perhaps only natural that Bordeaux might think to scour the20-year-old Brazilian winger's family tree in search of more as-yet unearthed footballing gems.

Clanger: Walsall Fan Makes Whopping Error While Booking Accommodation For League One Trip To Portsmouth

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Faced with a 230-mile round trip, one Walsall fan decided to book themselves some cheap accommodation in order to break up the long haul down to the south coast for Saturday's League One game against Portsmouth.

Alas, in attempting to secure the cheapest possible overnight stop, it would appear that the intrepid Saddlers fan in question dropped a bit of clanger when it came to researching the specific location of their out-of-town hotel.

Arsenal

Espionage: FC Cologne Hatch Devious Plot To Crib Arsenal’s Starting XI Ahead Of Europa League Opener (Photos)

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With a big Europa League opener against Arsenal in the offing this week, Cologne (or FC Köln if you'd prefer) have hatched an ingenious ruse to forge themselves a head-start against their Premier League opponents.

Like the Trojan Horse of legend, the devious ploy to crib Arsene Wenger's starting XI came cleverly disguised as a pre-match present, withKöln extending the hand of friendship via the two clubs' official Twitter accounts.

Police Brutality: Stoke Constabulary Troll Irked Arsenal Fan Over ‘Missing Person’ Mesut Ozil In Wake Of 1-0 Defeat

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Despite watching his side amass 79% possession and muster a mighty eight efforts on goal, one Arsenal was suitably aggrieved by his side's 1-0 loss at Stoke on Saturday that he felt obliged to report a sporting crime to the local police force.

Unable to process the result like an adult, the irked Gooner in question took to Twitter to make the Stoke constabulary aware of a 'robbery' that had just taken place in broad daylight at the Bet365 Stadium.

The Rest

Melty-Faced Marouane Fellaini Provides Enduring Image Of 2017 Super Cup, Just About Manages To Laugh Off Ridicule (Photos)

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With pre-season being a time for experimentation, Marouane Fellaini tried out a couple of new looks during Manchester United's glorified pre-season friendly defeat against Real Madrid last night.

As well as attempting to shackle his dense mane with bloodied bandages, the big Belgian midfielder also put his face to good use by providing the enduring image of the 2017 UEFA Super Cup.

Elite Troll: Mischievous PSG Fan Visits Apple Store In Barcelona, Changes Every iPhone Background To Picture Of Neymar (Photos)

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He's not even made a single appearance for PSG yet and already the troll-o-lol-o-lolling of Barcelona over Neymar's summer swerve to the French capital is reaching elite levels.

Whereas some fans have spend considerable sums of money to rib Gerard Pique in a very niche manner, one PSG supporter has actually made the trip to Catalonia to conduct some high level mischief making behind enemy lines.