Brazil: Flamengo’s Paolo Guerrero Harnesses The Force To Send Bahia Defender Lucas Fonseca Flying From Several Feet Away (Video)

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"Good, good. Let the hate flow through you"

Bahia defender Lucas Fonseca managed to get himself sent-off in the early stages of his side's 0-1 defeat against Flamengo on Sunday, and in utterly ridiculous circumstances.

Having already been booked just moments before, Fonseca went leaping in on Flamengo striker Paolo Guerrero, leaving a sneaky foot in at hip height.

Undoubted Highlight Of Europa League Final: Ajax ‘Keeper Andre Onana Does A Magic Fart (Video)

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Just a half-time quickie to bring you Pies' official highlight of the Europa League Final so far.

Here's Ajax 'keeper André Onana using his downstairs trumpet to conjure up a BT Sport graphic...

Ajax kalecisi Onana'nın yayıncı grafikleriyle imtihanı pic.

Chelsea: Diego Costa Celebrates Title Win In Style, By Massaging John Terry’s Gonads And Washing His Own Face With Lucozade (Videos)

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As you may have heard, Chelsea tied up the Premier League title with a 1-0 win over West Brom at the Hawthorns last night.

The final whistle was greeted with mass pandemonium as Antonio Conte and his battle-weary charges celebrated their momentous achievement.

Central to the chaos, as ever, was Diego Costa, who appeared to fully take leave of his senses in the aftermath of the victory.

Swiss Lower Leagues: Pully Football Defender Scores Inexplicably Brilliant Bicycle Kick Own-Goal (Video)

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Just when you thought you'd seen it all, some beautifully graceful clod down in the Swiss lower leagues goes and redefines the very essence of the spectacular own-goal.

The auto-but we're referencing came in a recent Vaudoise Cup tie between Swiss sixth-tier sides Pully Football and FC Renens.

Mexico: Lobos Prepas Striker Celebrates Goal By Hurling Himself Face-First Into Perimeter Fence (Video)

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As goal celebrations go, the stunt performed by Lobos Prepa striker Ricardo Alves is going to take some beating in the "needlessly painful" stakes.

After opening the scoring in the second half of his side's recent Mexican third-tier game against Mamut, Alves went charging over to the perimeter fence and simply hurled himself into it.

Non-League: Brackley Town Unveil Pioneering Throw-In Set Piece, Promptly Make Complete And Utter Hash Of It (Video)

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This can only go well... (Image: Gainsborough Town)

Brackley Town could only managed a goalless draw against Gainsborough Trinity in the National League North on Monday evening, though it wasn't for the lack of endeavour.

Indeed, the hoststried everythingTrinity down, even debutinga strange new prototype throw-in strategy in a desperate bid to break down the defences.

Woolly Bullies: Marauding Sheep Interrupt Play During Welsh Alliance League Match (Video)

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Image: @WalesAwayDays/Twitter

Resisting the urge to resort to national stereotypes, the recent Welsh lower-league tie between CPD Llanberis and Llandudno Junction FC was momentarily interrupted by a pair of woolly hooligans wooligans, if you will.

Indeed, play was brought to a halt when the marauding pair came gallivanting onto the pitch midway through the Alliance League Division One fixture.

Cavalcade Of Calamity: XI Of The Worst Corner Kicks Ever Attempted (Video)

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With a humble tip of the hat toCharlie Adam's set-piece finesse against Burnley last night, Pies have cobbled together a small compendium of some of the worst corner kicks ever attempted on grass.

Without further ado, let's get cracking.

Juan Carlos (Real Betis)

Safe to say, if you're not even making it out of thequadrant then you're probably not doing it right.

FAIL: Stoke Midfielder Charlie Adam Suffers Little Whoopsie-Daisy While Taking Corner Against Burnley (Video)

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Despite looking like a 50-year-oldman who brusheshis teeth with supermarket Scotch, Charlie Adam is still making a living as a Premier League footballer.

Of course, looks can be deceiving as it's Adam's deft midfield playmaking nous that keeps him in work.

Take this exquisite in-swinging corner against Burnley last night for example.

Confirmed: Mike Dean Is A Weirdo (Video)

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File this one under miscellaneous: Mike Dean scoring an absolutely rubbishgoal during a 5-a-side gameand then celebrating like a proper weirdo...

Mike Dean. The man, the myth, the legend.

— Joe (@jawtonloe) April 2, 2017

The footagewas part of Sky Sports' programme 'The Referees Onside with Carragher and Neville', in which the intrepid pundits investigated just what it takes to be a Premier League match official.

Sunday League Special: Hapless Team Try And Gloriously Fail To Overcome Unorthodox Defensive Approach (Video)

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Presenting: The Helm's Deep approach to defending corners...

Soon to be adopted in the upper echelons, here we see a hapless Sunday League side attempting to overcome their opposition'sunorthodox strategy for defending against corners.

Indeed, the defending team opted tobarricade their entire outfield into the goalmouth, thus allowing the goalkeeper to roam free around the 18-yard box and smother the strikers if possible.

FAIL: Ghanaian Footballer Accidentally Thanks Wife And Girlfriend During Same Post-Match Interview (Video)

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Image: SuperSport

Mohammed Anas scored twice in Free State Stars' 2-2 draw against Ajax Cape Town and as such landed the Man of the Match award.

Unfortunately, the Ghanaian striker wasn't quite so deft while picking up his award on live television after the final whistle.

During his acceptance speech, Anas accidentally thanked the two women in his life, instantly realised he'd made the blunder and desperately tried to rectify it:

Thank you for this, I appreciate my fans.

Outrageous Dive: Hearts Fan Takes Slow, Graceful Tumble Over Advertising Hoarding At Tynecastle (Video)

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Hearts served up a 4-0 stuffing of Hamilton at Tynecastle over the weekend, though it was one of their fans that ended up stealing the show.

During the latter stages of the match, the supporter in question painted his magnum opus by taking a slow, gradual tumble over the advertising hoarding behind the goal.

FAIL: Silkeborg Captain Dennis Flinta Delicately Chips ‘Keeper To Score Delightful Own-Goal (Video)

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Nordsjaelland absolutely panned Silkeborg in the Danish Superliga on Friday night to leapfrogabove their vanquished opponents in mid-table.

The home side ran out 5-1 winners thanks in part to a helping hand from Silkeborg captainDennis Flinta, who scored their third goal of the evening with a delightfully deft chip over his own goalkeeper.

‘We’re Four Goals Ahead, I Think We’ll Make It’ – PSG Quartet Verratti, Draxler, Meunier & Matuidi Discuss Barcelona Second Leg Over Supper (Video)

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In which we listen in on a quartet of PSG players Marco Verratti, Blaise Matuidi, Thomas Meurier and Julian Draxler discussing the prospect of playing Barcelona over a pizza supper, shortly after beating the Catalans 4-0 in the first leg of their Champions League last-16 tie.

The conversation, though while mostly politeand respectful,is in French so you may wantto turn on the subtitles to catch some of the following fateful remarks:

We're gonna have to hold firm.

Arsenal Fan TV: Regular Contributor Troopz Left Utterly Broken And Unable To Go On After Bayern Munich Defeat (Video)

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As was foretold in the prophecy,Arsenal somehow managed to go double and quits against Bayern Munich last night, slumping to a 10-2 aggregate defeat.

In the bloody aftermath of the Emirates hecatomb, football fans of all allegiancesshared their thoughts and feelings, each processing the bewildering result as best they could.

Sunday League Special: Lucas Moura Denied By Muddy Goalmouth As PSG Just About Overcome Niort In French Cup (Video)

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PSG's second string recorded a fairly straightforward 2-0 win over Ligue 2 outfit Niort in last night's quarter-final of the Coupe de France.

Ittook a late goal apiece from second-half substitutes Javier Pastore and Edinson Cavani to shore up the result on a damp old night at theStade René Gaillard.

‘Prepare To Watch Your Mouths’ – Atlanta United Ultras Terrorise Opposing Fans With Fearsome, Blood-Curdling Chant (Video)

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Atlanta United, and specifically their rowdy fans, are already fostering themselves one holy hell of a reputation ahead of their MLS debut next month.

During what we assume was Saturday's pre-season trip toplay Charlestown Battery, the Atlanta ultras formed a fearsome raiding party, leaving the home fans quaking with a barrage of blood-curdling war cries.

Flummoxed: Oscar Leaves Chinese Linesman In Heap On Ground With Silky Cruyff Turn (Video)

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Looks like Oscar is having a whale of a time out in China, with the diminutive Brazilian's fleet-footed trickery already laying waste to all who gaze upon it.

Indeed, as well as jinking past defenders, the Shanghai SIPG man also left a poor, flummoxed linesman with two sprained ankles during a recent game.

Topless Pitch Invader Scores 93rd-Minute ‘Equaliser’ In Honduran League Match (Video)

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Sunday evening'sHonduran Liga Nacionalclash between Olimpia and Motagua ended amid baffling scenes when a pitch invader popped up to score an injury-time equaliser.

Trailing2-1 as the final whistle loomed, Olimpia were able to force adramatic equaliser in the 93rd minute but only as the encroaching (and shirtless) fan finished off his own flowing move past the Motagua 'keeper.

FAIL: Hapless Turkish Defender Scores Own Goal After Giving Goalkeeper Over-Enthusiastic Hug (Video)

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You'll have to forgive the slightly sketchy details here, but we think the following snippet of 'action' comes from the Turkish lower leagues.

What you're about to see is the goalkeeper for Gaziantep Buyuksehir Belediyespor(we think) make a fine save from a penalty, only to immediate concede the most pathetic own-goal of all time.

Presenting: ‘Dangerous Game’, Potentially The New Worst Football Movie Ever Made (Official Trailer)

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Move over 'United Passions', because it looks like there's a new worst football movie ever in town.

What you're about to witness is the trailor for a new movie that looks so ineffably awful that Guardian reviewer Stuart Heritage assumed it must be a deliberate hoaxof some sort.

Dangerous Game stars Callum Best (reality 'star' son of George) as a Premiership footballer who dabbles in robbing shoe shops while dressed as Gary Lineker on behalf of the Russian mafia or something like that.

Eredivisie: Heracles Grounds Staff Leave Suspiciously Penis-Shaped Patch Of Snow On Pitch (Photo & Video)

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Image: Fox Sports NL/Facebook

After a light dusting of snow, the Eredivisie game between Heracles and Groningen went ahead as planned on Saturday.

However, it would appear the Heracles grounds staff didn't manage to clear the entire pitch before kick-off, with asuspiciously phallic-shaped patch of snow remaining in place for the duration of the match.

Guam Premier League: NAPA Rovers Striker Booked For Proposing To Girlfriend After Scoring Overhead Kick (Video)

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Image: Guam Football Association

We don't think we've ever featured theGuam Budweiser Premier League here on Pies, so it's nice that we get to kick things off with a good'n.

NAPA Rovers brought Guam Shipyard's unbeaten streak to an end on Saturday with a 5-1 win in their first game back after the Christmas break.

Bayern Munich: Thomas Muller Uses ‘Phone’ To Dodge Past Journalists At The Airport (Video)

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Thomas Muller is a maverick, this we know.

And so, it should come as no surprise that Bayern Munich's very own "swan in ice-skates" has devised a fiendishly cunning method of glidingpast journalists at airports without being hassled...

❤ Thomas Müller pretending his passport is a phone to avoid the press.

Bayern Munich: Thiago Alcantara Mistakes Santa Claus For Teammate During Clash With RB Leipzig (Video)

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We've often wondered if those newfangled pitch-side digital advertising hoardings ever confused the players during a match.

Well, apparently they do, after Bayern Munich midfielder Thiago Alcantara tried to pass to a digital Santa Claus during Wednesday night's top-of-the-table clash with RB Leipzig.

Running Man: Egyptian Striker Misses Penalty Then Jogs Off The Pitch In Embarrassment (Video)

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In which, while playing for Al Ittihad Alexandria in the Egyptian Premier League, one striker by the name of Youssef 'Obama' Ibrahim misses a penalty in the latter stages of a match and is so overcome by despair that he just flees the scene entirely.

In fact, after seeing his spot-kick repelled, Obama just keeps on running, past the goal, along the advertising hoardings, down the steps to the tunnel and right back to the dressing room.

Two Norwegian Teams Decide To Test Alcohol’s Effect On Football By Playing While Massively Drunk (Video)

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Strictly in the name of science, two Norwegian amateur football teams voluntarily chose to test the effect that alcohol had on their collective abilities.

As such, all of the players got absolutely rat-arsed before kick-off, with the decidedly unprofessional pre-game warm-up featuring a heady mix of beer, wine, spirits, junk food, vomit and minor pocketsof fighting.

England: Joe Hart Did The ‘Mannequin Challenge’ All On His Lonesome Against Spain (Video)

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Pies havebeen pointedly trying to steer clear of the Mannequin Challenge of late, but even we curmudgeonly sticks in the mud found footage of Lonely Joe Hart's attempt amusing.

Indeed, while England teammates Jamie Vardy, Raheem Sterling and Theo Walcott all lulled everybody into thinking their teles had frozen afterthe former's goal against Spain on Tuesday night, Hart performed his own version of the viralchallenge up at the other end of the Wembley pitch.

Presenting: The ‘Iguana vs Snakes’ Footage From Planet Earth II, Complete With Lionel Messi Goal Commentary (Video)

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Anybody who tuned into Sir David Attenborough's latest Planet Earth episode on Sunday evening will no doubt have been left well and truly frazzled by one of the most tense, thrilling and nerve-shredding swatches of documentary footage to ever to have been aired.

We're talking, of course, about the straight survival footrace* between a baby iguana and a marauding phalanx of racer snakes on Fernandina, one of the Galapagos islands.

non league

Ali Dia 2.0: York City Release ‘Cousin’ Of Southampton’s Cuco Martina After Watching Him Play 81 Minutes Of Football

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Photo: @ADSportwereld/Twitter

York City have released defender Derwin Martina, just four short days after arriving at the club.

York agreed a deal to bring in the 22-year-old until the end of the season, believing him to be the brother of Southampton full-back Cuco Martina.

Indeed, the National League even announced as much when they broke the news on their official club website.

Presenting: One Image That Signifies The Magnitude Of Sutton United’s Heroic FA Cup Run More Than Any Other…

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By seeing off old foes Leeds on Saturday afternoon, Sutton United barrelled their way into the FA Cup fifth round for the first time in the club's history.

After being knocked out in the fourth round before on two occasions (once against Leeds in 1970, and then again against Norwich in 1989), The U's broke new ground to ensure that there would be two non-league clubs in the fifth round draw also an all-time first.

Non-League: Cheadle Town Currently Offering Supreme Choice Of Match Day Pies (Photo)

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All hail Cheadle Town (of the North West Counties Football League), for it is they who offer the finest range of matchday pies we've ever clamped eyes on.

The entire gamut is represented in a cornucopia of available fillings, just aslong as you're after meat and potatoes and don't mind what order you get them in.

Kits & fashion

Pies’ 2016 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.17: Official Boca Juniors Chest Of Drawers

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With the geese sufficiently corpulent and the big day crowning on the horizon, Pies are once again here to help with our annual Christmas Football Gift Guide.

Give the gift of storage this Christmas with the official Boca Juniors chest of drawers, available from the club's webstore for just3,500 Argentinian pesos (approx.

Pies’ Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.4: Official Fiorentina Paperclips

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With the geese sufficiently corpulent and the big day crowning on the horizon, Pies are once again here to help with our annual Christmas Football Gift Guide.

You know what Italian football fans are like: volatile, disorganised, temperamental, papers always flying everywhere.

Thank heavens, then, that Fiorentina have sought to reign inthe chaos by producing their very own range of suitably purple paper clips.

Pies’ Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.3: Official FC Zurich Replacement Sink Plug

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With the geese sufficiently corpulentand the big daycrowning on the horizon, Pies are once again here to help with our annual Christmas Football Gift Guide.

Perfect for the FC Zurich fan in your life with thedrab, old, depressingly generic sink plug it's the official FC Zurich replacement club crest sink plug!

Pies’ 2016 Christmas Gift Guide, No.2: Official Hartlepool United Temporary Sailor Tattoos

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With the geese sufficiently corpulentand the big daycrowning on the horizon, Pies are once again here to help with our annual Christmas Football Gift Guide.

Indeed, if you're stuck on what to get the Monkey Hanger in your life, then why not really go to town and buy thema rather tasteful (and official) Hartlepool United temporary sailor tattoo?

Pies’ 2016 Christmas Football Gift Guide, No.1: Official Yeovil Town Cigarette Lighter

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Today isthe first day of December so that can only mean one thing: The grand return of Pies' world-renowned Christmas Gift Guide.

With the festive season upon us, we like to lend a hand to our extended family by offering tailored gift ideas for the discerning football fan(s) in your life.

The Rest

Muckers: Brilliant Image Surfaces Of Burnley Teammates Robbie Brady And Jeff Hendrick Together At Boyhood Club (Photo)

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Over the course of the season so far, Burnley's dabbling in the transfer market has finally brought togethertwo of football's oldest muckers reunited at Turf Moor.

Indeed, Burnleybroke their transfer record to bring in Robbie Brady on deadline day, thus reunitingthe Irish midfielder with boyhood teammate Jeff Hendrick.

Aston Villa: Steve Bruce Drops In For Pre-Match Kebab While Wearing Full Training Kit (Photo)

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"Onion rings or chips? Onion rings or chips? ...Both"

Good on Steve Bruce, for thinking nothing of preparing for today's Championship clash against Preston at Villa Park with a nourishing pre-game kebab; the food of kings.

Indeed, the Aston Villa manager was apparently spotted scouring the menu in a local fast food shop on the morning of the match, while wearing his full training gear.