Good heavens. We hope you warmed your hands first, Sami! Images via gq-magazin.de.

Avert your eyes, Kickettes! We haven't revealed this much flesh on the site in one go since Tim Howard was kind enough to get his nekkid on for ESPN, and our server collapsed under the weight of our rampant lust.

Having now had time to digest the news Kris Boyd rejected an offer from Houston Dynamo that Dom Kinnear and the front office worked on diligently only to later accept a reportedly hastily-assembled one from Portland Timbers, it's time to flesh out possible reasons why. Granted, there's still a bit of acid reflux felt by some fans of the Naranja, but at least getting a first round draft pick out of Portland soothes the situation like Pepto Bismol.

By Chris Wright

While we're on the subject of Gary Neville, do the England rugby bods really want a man who had to be forcibly removed from a town hall after throwing a glitter-bomb at Republican US presidential candidate Rick Santorum during a flesh-presser in Florida the other day to be the man to lecture their troops on national pride and sporting morals?

Image via lavozlibre.com.

Tattooist Leo Millares (above left) is a man who spends too much time with his hands on footballer flesh for our liking. His latest work, posted on Twitter before the ink had even dried, is a set of replica pooch prints on the tummies of Guti and his lady love Romina Belluscio.

Football at the moment is about money isn't it. All we are reading and hearing about at the moment is either player salaries or the size of transfer fee's. Chelsea are now a club that is constantly linked with big money moves in EVERY transfer window as AVB looks to rejuvenate our club out of the shadows of the Mourinho era.

By Alan Duffy

In a bizarre act of utter madness that even Chris Foy (or is it Hoy?) and his team of assistants couldn't miss, one Gabriel Orozco, goalkeeper for Argentinian side Recreativo Estrellas, decided to bite the face of an opponent after a minor coming together in the box during a local cup game in Cordoba.

Why I'm delighted by the chanting by those Chelsea fans

Over here in Kazan you get a real sense of what it feels like to be different. Stares in Moscow airport as if you have two heads. Children making as if they want to touch your hand to see what black skin feels like.

This really makes life worth living. Or at the very least worth blogging about.

By Chris Wright

A shiny hapenny and a bag of liquorice is on offer to those who can successfully guess the identity of the recently-retired mole-eyed, ginger ankle-hacker who wants the record to state that, despite being the worst tackler in the history of organised sport, he could actually tackle all along and that he was actually just 'getting people back' by tearing off chunks of their thigh flesh with his studs on a semi-regular basis:

"Of course I can tackle.

Hello there. I celebrated my birthday in fine style last night by spilling a whole pint right over the Mugsmasher's pants. I think I might make that some kind of tradition. Thank you to everyone for their kind wishes via Twitter etc, much appreciated.

We'll start this morning with the news that Jack Wilshere did indeed have his surgery yesterday.

A bit of a chaser on yesterday's Charlie Davies' bit:

My topic in this week's Talking Tactics column at MLSSoccer.com was D.C. United's effective counter attacking strategy Saturday, key in the 3-0 win in Southern California. It seems that most people agreed with yesterday's rant, about one player getting disproportionate credit for United's big win.

So this is what former Miss Vermont Katy Johnson is doing now? Huh. Random that the lady from the infamous, VERY NSFW Tucker Max blogpost-cum-lawsuit is now rolling with The Bhoys on the Jimmy Delaney bus. "Hail, hail" and all of that but there is no way in hell Katy Johnson even knows who Jimmy Delaney is.

Today marks 2 years of 3four3!

When I first started, the idea was really just to get my thoughts on paper, flesh them out and refine them over time. I thought I would systematically deconstruct all the issues I saw with the sport in the U.S., and methodically build up solutions.

By Chris Wright

Here we have Cesc Fabregas, busy dodging all of Arsenal's pre-season shenanigans in order to gadabout, pow-wowing in the gardens at 10 Downing Street with his new high-falutin' friends namely Spanish prime minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero and his British counterpart, old wibble-wobble flubber cheeks himself, David Cameron.

By Chris Wright

This here is the solid onyx 'meditation' room that FIFA installed in their Zurich catacombs a couple of years ago y'know, for those times when all that glad-handing, flesh-pressing, bung-quibbling, money-counting, heel-dragging and vote-rigging just starts to get on top of you.

Manchester United's Sir Alex Ferguson wary of Liverpool threat

• Ferguson says Liverpool 'back on radar' under Kenny Dalglish • United manager challenges side to match Barcelona The Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, believes Liverpool are now "back on the radar" after two years outside the top four.

Pics: Reds thrill Chinese Kopites

They had waited a lifetime to see their Anfield heroes in the flesh and Liverpool's Chinese supporters weren't left disappointed after an afternoon to savour in Guangzhou.

View the full story here: Liverpool FC

A news article on 2011-07-12 13:42:49 from: Liverpool FC

This news item has been reproduced from today's media.

For the first time in their history, Liverpool Football Club has landed in China to kick off the first leg of their Standard Chartered sponsored pre-season tour of Asia.
Kenny Dalglish and his squad touched down at Guangzhou airport at 11am local time this morning following a 13-hour flight from Liverpool (via Kazakhstan) - and were greeted by scenes of hysteria as Chinese fans gathered in their hundreds to welcome the Reds to their country for the first time.

Nah, it's obviously not working. We can still see him... Image via footballkitnews.com.

Football kits aren't exactly our favourite thing in the world, Kickettes. They obfuscate bodies. As you know, anything that prevents us from enjoying our daily flesh fix makes us stabby, which is why we tend to avoid kit reviews like we do cheap shoes.

Ladies of Seattle, do you fancy a bit of futbol-financed flesh in your life? If so may I suggest you visit DateASounder.com. There you will find video dating profiles for Puget Sound's most eligible, soccer-capable bachelors like Roger (pictured above) who hails from "Portland but not that Portland" and lists his hobbies as "chopping down trees".

Hey y'all. How was your Memorial Day weekend? Did you get drunk and act the fool at a cookout? Did you give a rambling, arrogant press conference? Did you get fired from your coaching gig or maybe get homesick for Europe?
I ate too much and watched too much soccer yet I still can't think of anything worth running my mouth about today that 100 other people aren't already talking about.

Flop of the Season? Not from this angle, he's not. Images: Getty Image/Zimbio

Yes, since our methods of attracting votes redefined the political scene the world over, we have made it our business to keep a close eye on other sports media and their methods of gauging reader opinion. Not because we feel we can learn anything from them, obviously, but it's always good to keep abreast of what's going on outside our pinkly painted party pad.

Forgive me for being glad the season is over but every game was like pouring salt into a weeping flesh wound. It wasn't getting any better and we are a damn sight fortunate it didn't get any worse. The indications I got a few weeks ago that the summer will be a lively one seem to be correct, and today the Finnish FA have pretty much confirmed that we have all but completed the signing of Charlton full-back Carl Jenkinson.

In the absence of a post this morning I thought I'd write a short piece and ask this question that has been playing on my mind. It is over to the technically gifted observers to develop the debate and flesh it out with tactical analysis.

We are shortly to see how these two highly successful yet differing footballing cultures match up in the Champion's League final.

Damn, them Goat girls can get it on the floor. Y'all go.

Three games left in the season and our title hopes ended not with a bang, but with a whimper. It's hard not to look back and see a lot of missed opportunities. Obviously OptaJoe feels our pain because they tweeted this interesting table yesterday:

That, my gooner friends, is what the league table would look like if all the shots that hit the woodwork this season had actually gone into the net.

Click here to view the embedded video.

via theoffsiderules

Please take a moment from your hectic schedules to check in on Bolton Wanderers' star Stuart Holden, who is trapped at home while recovering from a knee injury that put him out of the game for six months.

For nice, well brought up Kickettes, it's an opportunity to marvel at the science Stuart is harnessing to coax his scrummy leg back to it's former glory.

By Neil W. Blackmon Two friendlies with nearly all the "A" team regulars and there is a great deal to analyze and flesh out. Let's dive right in with five final thoughts and lingering questions after the USMNT's 1-1 draw with Argentina and 1-0 defeat at the hands of a visually painful but mercilessly effective [.

Former Sporting KC striker/D.C. United newbie, Josh Wolff, set the shirt-stripping bar high this year during United's home opener against Columbus Crew. Not only did he wisely chose flesh flashing over yellow cards during his goal celebration, but he also allowed an audience of mere mortals to stroke his six-pack.

As an American male who has never done drag, walking in pumps looks painful as hell. Playing in them looks like an even worse idea. Here's to keeping the stilettos on the floor, not the field.

Remember when Deuce's missus got all painted up with a few of the other World Cup-wags for SI? The results were titillating. The Whitecaps took notice and decided to bite the style for their Countdown to Kick Off video series. And you now what? I don't think I'm mad at that.

We can argue all day long whether or not this guy who ran onto the field at the Georgia Dome last night is a proper streaker because he's wearing a jock strap and didn't go full-nude. What we can't argue is that this guy may have set a record for longest pitch invasion ever. Dude even gets a chance to walk at some point.

For our latest guest contribution, we are pleased to present a match report from Yasser11, a keen supporter of the footballing blogosphere, but noteworthy in particular for his insatiable appetite for watching football in the flesh. Following trips to Stamford Bridge and Bedfont F. C.'s ground at The Orchard last week, Yasser made his way to The Valley last night.