The matches to watch after you realize- AHHH LOOK OUT GARETH BARRY THE FLYING GIANT IS GOING TO NINJA KICK YOU!!!

Saturday

Russia v Slovenia at Luzhniki Stadium The beginning of the end of the long, drawn out process that is World Cup qualifying is finally here with the first leg of the playoff fixtures.

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Noted world leaders Fat Ronaldo and Israeli President Shimon Peres meet at a hotel in Sao Paulo. Fat Ronaldo discusses how he forgot to wash his upper lip. And how he ate his necktie on the way over.

[Photo: Getty]

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It's finally happened. Fat Ronaldo has admitted that he's a chubby tub of goo. (A very talented chubby tub of goo, but still a chubby tub of goo, nonetheless.)

In an interview with Globo television, The Fat One, who has 11 goals for Corinthians this season, said that he wouldn't call himself up to the Brazilian national team right now, that he will put forth perhaps the greatest effort of his career to make the team, and that he thinks the first half of 2010 will be vital blah blah blah.

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Calm down, big guy. Before you go and try to waddle off to Thailand, just know that FAT stands for Football Association of Thailand. That has nothing to do with you, no matter how much you want those free hamburgers. Yes, it is true that you're a fat player, but you're not a FAT player. You're actually more of an f-f-f-a-t-t-t player.

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"If only I could play for Thailand"

Guardian has brought it to my attention that the Football Association of Thailand (FAT) have signed a 3 year sponsorship deal with McDonald's, worth an estimated £545,000.

But thats not the best bit, as part of the deal the Thailand football team gets free big mac's, McFlurrys, and Mc Chicken-ish stuff.

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All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award winning Dirty Tackle...

Fat Ronaldo plays with that evil looking bobblehead doll that's supposed to resemble him. [Globoesporte]

Peter Crouch and Jonathan Woodgate get caught doing the robot in a nightclub.

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The injury-laced success of Fat Ronaldo since he's joined Corinthians has evidently not gone unnoticed by fans of Brazil's national team. During their surprising loss in Bolivia on Sunday, one portly fellow (that's not Ronaldo himself, is it?) ran out onto the pitch, holding up a sign promoting Fat Ron's inclusion in the national team just as the second half began.

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Bobo Vieri recently appeared on the Italian TV show noted for its managerial lap dances, Chiambretti Night, and spoke about the tons of fun he and Fat Ronaldo used to have in their days at Inter:

"When I was at Inter, Ronaldo was the player who trained less than anyone else, because he was the best footballer in the world and it is true that we went back home at between 5 and 6 in the morning.

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Corinthians' official club shop is now offering a bobblehead version of Fat Ronaldo and the thing is just disturbing on about 15 different levels. It looks like some kind of footballing version of The Joker the angry eyebrows, pig snout, Jay Leno jawline, freakishly gummy smile, comically svelte body.

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Having just returned from a long layoff following wrist surgery and liposuction last weekend, you'd think Fat Ronaldo would be doing pretty well right about now. Well not so fast, cowboy. A Brazilian court has ordered him to take a DNA test in order to resolve a wacky paternity mystery. Here are the facts from the AFP:

The demand was made after a Brazilian resident of Singapore claimed the three-time FIFA Footballer of the Year was the father of her four-year-old boy.

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Wayne Rooney

GAH! I hate getting subbed off! ... Meat. ... It's like, why? Just why would you ever do that? ... Meat. ... If I had stayed in the game, I would have done this awesome bicycle kick that would've been, like, BA-BLAMMM! and the ball would have exploded and the goalkeeper would've crapped his pants.

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Aw, hell. Can't a man recover from his wrist injury and liposuction in peace? Is that how we're treating legends these days? Flicking their ears as they sit peacefully? I bet Pele's teammates never flicked his ears when he least expected it. Shameful.

And on a side note, this picture reminds me of those birds that perch on big, slow elephants and how the elephants try and knock them away with lurching swing of their trunk.

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All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award winning Dirty Tackle...

Maradona was so happy about yesterday's win over Russia that pretty much had sex with one of his players. [New York Times]

Google's Premier League XI the most searched for players.

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All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award winning Dirty Tackle...

More from SWP's charity event Steve Sidwell says people yell "Ginger!" at him on the streets and he has no desire to weigh in on the Jordan and Peter business. [ChannelBee]

Though he didn't even play, Flamengo fans still came through on their warning of revenge when Corinthians came to town by proclaiming Fat Ronaldo to be the "King of The Transvestites.

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All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award winning Dirty Tackle...

You know its time for anger management classes when you find yourself storming out of press conferences after your team beats AC Milan 4-1. [Goal]

Fat Ronaldo had liposuction while in the hospital for his fractured hand.

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Although it didn't look that bad, Fat Ronaldo ended up with a double fracture in his left hand after being tripped in the first half of Corinthians' 3-0 loss to Palmeiras on Sunday. He didn't go down incredibly hard, but, you know...all that weight...landing right on his doughnut grabber..

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Fat Ronaldo was awarded a penalty kick in Corinthians' match against Cruzeiro today for Leonardo Silva's goal-saving handball on his first attempt at scoring. And as you can see in the video above, Ronaldo penalty kick strategy was to not run, but slowly waddle up to the ball, take a stutter step which barely slowed his already snail-like pace and kick the ball pretty much directly at the keeper, who (shockingly!

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Andre "Andreia" Albertini, one of the three transvestite prostitutes who were invited back to Fat Ronaldo's hotel room last year before he realized they were all men and kicked them out without paying, died from AIDS last Thursday.

According to Albertini's mother, he contracted HIV back in 2006, obviously meaning he was carrying the virus when Ronaldo had his close encounter with him.

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Remember not so long ago when Fat Ronaldo was down and out? Busted knees, a ring of donut crumbs and butter caked around his mouth, scales breaking under his feet...transvestite prostitute scandals. Well, it was none other than Brazilian mega club Flamengo who took him under their wing, gave him a fitness regiment, a place to call home, and a pitch to refer to in interviews when talking about possibly training in the future.

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In this viral for a Brazilian soft drink, Fat Ronaldo is revealed to be the waddling dinosaur that can freestyle with computer generated cans of the drink. The video is a "behind-the-scenes" look at an actual television commercial that has the Godzilla-type dinosaur appear in a football stadium, score a goal, then causes the pitch to dislodge from the earth when he celebrates.

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The real, fat, Ronaldo (or the really fat Ronaldo) is now playing for Corinthians in Brazil. He scored two vintage goals at the weekend - one with an exemplary touch, one with an exemplary finish.

He's still got it. Remind yourself what 'it' is here.

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Back to bad habits? We all knew that Originaldo was struggling to kick the transvestite prostitute/nightclub addiction, but training with Corinthians yesterday it looked like he was definitely back to his old ways as he took to holding his eyes open by hand. Share on Facebookimg src="http://feeds2.feedburner. Click to continue reading...

The most entertaining training session ever Corinthians knew they had made a big signing when they secured the services of Ronaldo, but they are only just discovering quite how BIG. The rotund one is struggling to shift the weight he piled on during his injury layoff and is left jogging round behind his team-mates like the [. Click to continue reading...

Everyone had a player that truly drew them towards football, someone who was so magical and exciting that you truly thought you were experiencing something sexual in a footballing context. I know that sounds slightly dramatic but for me and for many other people around the world that man was Ronaldo Luis Nazário de Lima also known as El Fenómeno. Click to continue reading...