Cristiano Ronaldo

This is not the kind of erotic foot massage I had in mind. ... It is kind of relaxing, though. Putting me to sleep faster than one of Iker's stories. ... If Portugal tries to make me play I'm just going to cry and maybe pee my pants a little bit. They can't make me play with a hurt ankle, tear-stained cheeks, and a the distinct smell of pee wafting from my pants, can they?

I was going to open by stating with a certain level of confidence that should Arsenal and Tottenham draw, Liverpool would leapfrog both in the table with a win today at Fulham. Then Arsenal scored two goals in two minutes. So let's focus on Liverpool, shall we?

The Steven Gerrard groin injury saga spirals further and further down the rabbit hole, with worries now that he'll need surgery to repair his injured man zone.

GOOD WEEK

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Daytime Television

David Beckham showed some trendy pants + skin on the Ellen Degeneres/Guti show reminding American housewives that being stuck home alone with screaming kids all day has its perks.

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GOOD WEEK
Daytime Television

David Beckham showed some trendy pants + skin on the Ellen Degeneres/Guti show reminding people to always check the info guide before setting the DVR.

Icy Hot

Sergio Ramos's tendinitis has been cured and he's fit to return to action starting this weekend.

We know this much is true: Guti does not own a mirror.

Since returning from a pre-season friendly in Dublin, the Real Madrid midfielder's affection for diagonal accessorizing and whipping boy belts is bringing out our inner vodka lush. We can't not comment.

Of course, it's always nice to see footballers kicking back and relaxing, but only when they are either: 1.