Well hello there.

I see you've caught me wearing an old Argentina national team shirt. Naturally, I'm wearing the old one because it was significantly cheaper than the new one and because it was the only one I could find in the dryers at the laundromat. ... Why am I wearing an Argentina shirt at all, you ask?

Well hello there.

I see you've finally agreed to come to dinner with me. This pleases me. Granted, I have no idea what chemical imbalance prompted you to finally accept my invitation, but I am glad that my cousin Timitar has been pumping the scent of Berba musk which is very similar to sodium pentathol into your bedroom through the heating vents, as I suspect that might have had a tremendous amount to do with your change of heart.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me talking on the phone. Perhaps you are extremely jealous that you don't have my undivided attention? ... No, I'm not on a phone sex hotline, I'm talking to my cousin Timitar about my fantastic goal against Blackburn. Ha-HA! It really was quite impressive.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me looking super cool. Granted, that's nothing unusual for me, since I am quite obviously a very cool guy. ... No really, I am. ... Stop shaking your head. ... Seriously, I'm very cool. I exude coolness. People say that all the time. .... What people, you ask?

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me staring at the back of the head of a child. I now have a new child of my own, you know. ... No I didn't steal it from a McDonald's, nor am I pretending a doll is a real baby again. One of my Berba-beauties actually gave birth to my Berba-baby.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me with my hair erect. This happens sometimes when I am heading the ball or when I am in the presence of a divine beauty like yourself or when I eat a bucket of oysters while watching DVDs about naked people. Ha-HA! I have quite a few DVDs about the adventures of naked people, including some where they go bowling and then solve algebra problems together.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me displaying my Berba-bilities with a fantastic bicycle kick. I'm going to score a goal with this, you know. My second goal in as many league matches. ... Even though you did not just compliment me on that fact, I'm going to act like you did and say: Thank you I know I'm extremely talented and devastatingly handsome.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me being bored by you. Well, that and I mistakenly took 18 sleeping pills, thinking they were "male enhancement" capsules. I do think it's mostly how boring you are that is making my eyes go out of focus and my heart feel like it's stopped pumping blood entirely.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me taking a Berba-beauty nap in the middle of a match. Actually, I don't see because I am asleep, but in the dream state I am currently enjoying I imagine that you have, in fact, caught me. And that you're nude. And that I'm nude. And that my cousin Timitar is holding a live salmon that sings like Cher.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me talking about my exorcist uncle. Pretty cool, huh? Ha-HA! You know, he taught The Berba how to do an exorcism. I could perform one on you, if you'd like. ... Well, fine, I can still perform one even if you don't like. Ha-HA! Now, just stand there and continue to glare at me with your hand on that can of mace in your purse.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me wearing one of my old Spurs shirts. As you can probably tell, I'm not very happy about it. But I burned all of my other clothes on the advice of my cousin Timitar which, in hindsight was a horrible idea and I just so happened to find this in the back of my closet.

Oh dear. Our friend Dimitar Berbatov is tangled up in a web of jealousy, deceit, and threats of violence with a couple that also meant trouble for former Liverpool backup goalkeeper Nikolay Mihailov, who publicly made fun of former girlfriend and 2006 Playmate of the Year Nikoleta Lozanova and ended up going into hiding after getting his Ferrari doused in acid at orders of her current boyfriend, Bulgarian mob boss Georgi ‘The Head' Stoilov.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me striking a Berba-pose while my teammates actually train. This is what I do. You see, The Berba has already reached a supreme level of erotic footballing prowess, so unlike the rest of my world class comrades, I do not need to practice any further.

Well hello there.

I see I've caught you looking through my window. This is quite a novel turn of events. Ha-HA! It seems the fact that I scored my first goal of the season in Manchester United's 5-0 win over Wigan on Saturday has you craving The Berba's attention instead of yelling for the police and reaching for a blunt object whenever I enter your field of vision.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me standing like a statue. You see, since no one has built an actual Berba statue yet aside from the time my cousin Timitar attempted to make one out of mayonnaise and hair I have taken it upon myself to fill that void by standing here outside your window.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me playing football. This is what The Berba does when not hiding under a pile of your underpants with a video camera and my cousin Timitar. Can you guess which activity I prefer? Ha-HA! ... No, it's actually the underpants thing.

Anyways, it's the start of a new season and I can tell you this will be the most Berbamazing one ever.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me making a funny face. It took hours to perfect, but I do believe it is exceptionally erotic and makes you want to experience a sexual encounter that involves my large nostrils. ... No, no don't speak. Just gaze into my nostril. Gaze...gaze..

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me training very hard. As you can probably tell, although we still have several weeks left to go in the preseason, The Berba is already operating at a peak level of fitness. My widow's peak is in top form and, judging by your presence, I am also attracting beautiful Berba-babes that are usually only seen in distant bedroom windows and my cousin Timitar's special drawings.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me being unable to put my shirt on properly. As with most things I do, I got it started, but then lost interest part way through and now here I am. But I'm sure you're not complaining. After all, you're getting a fantastic view of the Berba-bicep and my finely toned Berba-bod.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me preparing for the upcoming season. In my short-shorts. But before we get to the smooth-legged sexiness going on below my belt line, first allow me to introduce my personal trainer Fake Bojan. And now that we're all intimately acquainted and hopefully soon to be even more intimately acquainted ha-HA!

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me sitting among a sea of Berbabeauties. And yes, they're smiling instead of pointing and screaming. I am going to assume that you're very jealous and regretting all the chances I've given you to be with The Berba. ... No, I don't smell anything funny.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me wearing the coolest outfit ever. Between that, my one-eyed squint, and the flashing of my ankle we have going on here, you must be profoundly turned on. Ha-HA! It took me three weeks to perfect this effortless pose. And no, I haven't taken a bath in that entire time.

Well hello there.

I see you've stuck me on your wall. ... Shhh-shhh! Please stop screaming. The Berba wants nothing to do with you. It's not even really The Berba see? It's just a flat image. Through which I can see and speak to you. My cousin Timitar worked it up in his laboratory of magic and erotic wonderment.