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Now all your Cristiano and/or Iker shower fantasies can come true.

Well, almost.

"I love underwear...it's as simple as that" David Beckham.

You know those women who can juggle ten things at once?

That's not us.

Saturday

- One of our readers named Patrick made our weekend after sending us a link to this abtastic gallery of 'ballers.

Images: Replay Jeans.

We've been slow to post on the pics doing the rounds of Irina Shayk's Autumn/Winter 2012 campaign for Replay Jeans. Reason being we're conflicted.

Yes, Irina's topless. We can obviously see that. But she's also wearing fingerless gloves in various colours and textures.

It's right here, with Zinedine Zidane and Pele. Image: FABRICE COFFRINI/AFP/Getty Images.

Lionel Messi took home the coveted FIFA Ballon d'Or trophy Monday evening, staving off tough competition from Barcelona teammate, Xavi Hernandez, and Real Madrid rival, Cristiano Ronaldo (who was a no-show since his squad is set to do battle with Malaga in the Copa Del Ray today).

Bojan Krkic was all but mauled by a Kickette Soldier girl at his book signing last week.

We're beyond proud.

Saturday

- Chelsea FC owner and Russian bajillionaire, Roman Abromovich, spared no expense for his New Year's Eve party in St Bart's.

Click here to view the embedded video.

via ciacha.

Clown shoes-gate. That's what happened last time Mesut got his model on. So when news of behind-the-scenes footage of a GQ Germany shoot broke this morning, we picked up our hipflasks lattes and morning croissants and headed to our safe viewing spot.

ELLE magazine scored themselves a brace of WAGs to help them finish out the 2011 calendar in top form. At left, one shot of Cristiano's girlfriend from this month's Spanish version of the famed glossy, and to her right we have Victoria Beckham, who kicks off the US edition's new year come January.

Contrary to appearances, this bath was not designed by Stephen Ireland. Image: REUTERS/Piotr Skornicki/Agencja Gazeta.

With the UEFA EURO 2012 draw less than 24 hours away, our limited attention spans have gravitated towards teams' accommodations. Where will our favourite 'ballers be holed up during the tourney?

Er... Crissy? You wouldn't be checking yourself out on the stadium JumboTron like we were, huh? Image: Julian Finney/Getty Images.

We are to tennis what hats are to Ladies' Day at Grand National. As a matter of fact, we're thinking of upping our court side attendance at more matches in the near future especially at the ones that take place in Madrid and London.

Something big happened last night, Kickettes. Something that could give reason for little piggies to take flight. Seen out at the Marie Claire Prix de la Moda Awards at the French Embassy Thursday evening, Cristiano Ronaldo did the unfathomable: he wore Hermes.

We know it's a mind-numbing notion to take in, dear readers.

From the Comets
The Comets once again faced an expansion team making their home debut. Once again, they relished playing the role of spoiler as they control play from the start and go home with a 13-4 win. Ryan Junge led the team with 5 points on two goals, Vahid Assadpour chipped in two of his own, Leo Gibson and newly signed Cristiano each had one as well.

Irina Shayk, Dolores Aveiro and Katia Dos Santos (not pictured) at the Intercontinental hotel in Madrid, Spain.

Irina Shayk's made-for-our-left-hands golf ball-sized ring is playing tricks on us. We first laid eyes on it last week during Cristiano's Golden Boot presentation, but by Sunday evening, it was noticeably absent during Irina's walk down the European Music Awards red carpet.

Sleek, glossy, edgy where necessary but with the kind of subtle, smooth finish that betrays serious, unbridled wealth. The boot isn't bad, either. Image: REUTERS/Sergio Perez.

Nope, he's not shilling another pair of retina bothering football boots. In this photograph, the goofy grin, perma-tan and gel-tastic hairdo have gathered to collect the European Golden Shoe Award; a boot shaped lump of metal handed to the player who scored the most goals in the European Leagues during the previous season.

Here's a guy who is single-handedly keeping the textiles industry afloat. In case you couldn't tell, it's corduroy. And thanks to our Twitter followers for cluing us in on the Emporio Armani basketball team situ! Image Credit: JAVIER SORIANO/AFP/Getty Images.

Personally, we find Cristiano Ronaldo's reckless abuse of Gucci to be obnoxiously OTT, but we're big enough to put our differences aside when it comes to identifying hotness.

Image Credit: Getty Images Europe.

Guys on the ground as well as those who are going to the ground, whether it be purposely or accidentally are generally more fun to gawk at. This isn't a question or one of curazy theories, Kickettes. It's just how the world works.

Since there's been an explosion of unhinged football flesh in various states of public showcase lately, we've elated to photo spam your places of employment while we scour the internet for 'real news'.

Oh Cristiano, how we had faith in you, hon. Perhaps in hindsight, it was all wishful thinking about intoxication.

Spotted moving his metallic feet and poorly-tailored jeans down the Marca red carpet last night, CR (plus his manager) was on hand to accept the Pichichi award for being La Liga's highest scorer last season.

Image Credit: AP Photo/Matt Dunham, Paul White.

Since we're about to embark on another week's worth of UCL action, the ever aggro Mikel Arteta implores you to put your money where your mouths are and make your match predictions.

We'll go first: someone will score, Mario Gomez's hair will continue to suck, Manchester United's second string will win and we'll be the last ones to leave the pub.

How could you, Frank? After all we've been through? Apparently, Michael feels that his 'special' relationship with Chelsea deserves better than a 2-0 defeat. Image: Getty Images/Daylife.

A few choice moments from the latest Champions League fixtures for your perusal, Kickettes.

Borussia Dortmund 1-1 Arsenal

Boot in the face or 180 degree knee twist?

Not to worry Cris is a pro at managing these kinds of situations. Image Credit: Tomislav Kristo / Cropix.

Real Madrid have not exactly had it easy since landing in Zagreb ahead of their Champions League tie with Dinamo Zagreb. First, was their airport arrival, which is normally a seriously suited and festive occasion.

Image Credit: Getty Images.

We always envisioned Cristiano Ronaldo's first foray into film and acting would be presented much like one of his former fling's self-titled cinematic debut, 'One Night in Paris'.

Sadly, our luck runneth out yesterday at the Madrid premiere of "Cristiano Ronaldo Al Limite", where we learned C-Ron was taped doing a lot of the same stuff he does every other day.

Where we see ourselves fitting into Mario Gomez' life, as demonstrated by David Alaba. Image: Reuters/Daylife.

It's Monday. Drinking time is still hours away. But at least we can reminisce on a pretty entertaining weekend of footy.

EPL

Images: Getty Images/Daylife, AP Photo/Daylife.

It's been a while since we have felt the need to critique Cristiano's sartorial elegance. But we're guessing he's been so busy with his bubba and Irina over the summer break that he simply hasn't had time to offend us with his trouser/shoe combos.

However, training has a now recommenced and a whole season of fashion fails awaits us.

C-Ron was sporting some serious 'bling blang' as he headed *to training* earlier today in LA.

To training.

Seriously.

We're kind of jeal.

Uh-may-zing. The Japanese WNT win the FIFA Women's World Cup. Image: Getty Images/Daylife

Thank heavens for the WWC. For the players' obvious joy at simply being there. For the quality of the football, which has surpassed expectation over and over again. For the competitiveness and work ethic of each side, that made each fixture thrilling and unpredictable.

If all else fails, Cristiano can always be relied upon to provide us with a much needed boost in the morning. Image: PacificCoastNews.com/Zimbio

How come the weekend seems further away than ever on a Friday morning? Allow us to divert your attention from the responsibilities of being a grown-up for a few minutes with a some perky stories from the past week.

You haven't made it up yet then, boys? Cristiano & Iker laugh it up at the launch of the Herbalife World Football Challange 2011 soccer tournament. Real Madrid play LA Galaxy on Saturday. Image: Getty Images/Zimbio

With his vacay days about to draw to a close, Cristiano Ronaldo has been keen on soaking up what little rays and water he has left.

From what we can gather, he and girlfriend Irina Shayk's holiday was quite the globe trotting adventure, beginning on a private yacht in Turkey. Unfortunately for C-Ron, he inadvertently ended up in the papers after a couple of his water stunts raised eyebrows.

We haven't asked, but we doubt Ryan will be thrilled to find his name is being used as a parent deterrent. Images: Getty Images/Daylife, Reuters/Daylife

Our long-term aim to ruin our language by forcing the Oxford English Dictionary to accept terms like short-tent in their weighty tome is newly invigorated, Kickettes!

Image Credit: Cameron Krone.

And it's black, the same shade as her kohl eye pencil. You think they did that on purpose?

Riiight...so, her and her beau are on a yacht in Turkey a new and unsuspecting piece of holiday real estate that we'll be adding to our 2012 'ballers on breaks roulette wheel.

Let us be clear: this is, by no means, a fair fight. We didn't intend for things to be this way, but whenever Cristiano Ronaldo assumes the right to dress himself, all hell breaks loose. Today's affair is no different, and since we're on a very tight schedule of not getting anything done, we're only giving you the barest style synopsis bones to work with.

Seattle's Fredy Montero post-surgery Twitpic. Go Sounders indeed.

T'was a looong week last week, Kickettes, so forgive our ill-fated attempts at keeping a semi-professional/regular schedule. Fortunately, as we flooded our insides with in-flight alcohol, we found some superb shots of a CR JR being craddled by his papa.

MADRID — Portuguese star Cristiano Ronaldo broke the La Liga goal-scoring record with his 39th and 40th league goals of the season as Real Madrid hammered relegated Almeria 8-1 at the Santiago Bernabeu on Saturday. Ronaldo poked home from close range on four minutes for his record-breaking goal to overtake the previous best of 38 [.

MANCHESTER, England Javier Hernandez has capped a phenomenal debut season for United by scooping the prestigious Sir Matt Busby Player of the Year Award. The accolade is voted for by fans across the world on the club's official websites and honours United's best player in the 2010/11 campaign. Chicharito, who has scored 20 goals [.

There's nothing cuter than a bubba and a 'baller on a less than sunny Friday, even if the bubba is dishing out some serious side-eye to his current ride. Extra kudos if you can figure out who the babe in arms is (psst: his grandaddy has just signed on to manage his current team for three more years.

Approaching now from a north-easterly direction we have Flight PK01 from Barcelona. All passengers, please fasten your seatbelts, there may be some impact damage upon landing. Image: Getty Images/Zimbio

We realise that you may be feeling the first effects of footie excitement withdrawal already.

Anyone else get the impression that Susan Sarandon has no clue who she is standing next to at the Cantamessa Jewels US launch?

We know you do. Boy, do we know you do.

We realise that Irina is a contentious issue for you guys, with her current squeeze being one of the most orange eligible bachelors in our stratosphere and perhaps others.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Thank you, Sergio 'butterfingers' Ramos. We have spent the last couple of days issuing threats of casual violence to our interns in order to have some Midweek Results for our beloved readers, and you have just ensured they won't bother reading any of it.

Image: QueMeDices.diezminutos.es.

Cristiano Ronaldo, playing hide-and-go-seek behind a restaurant's door, was seen out in Madrid without girlfriend Irina Shayk recently.

It's not news, but if nothing else, this picture forces us to be brutally honest about what we value. Which is C-Ron's abs.

Irina offers a nod to eighties soft rock with this ensemble. Who knew? Image: Getty Images/Zimbio

Welcome once again to Good Week/Bad Week, where we share some of the stories that we have been enjoying in lieu of doing any proper work.

GOOD WEEK

Leather Look: Cristiano Ronaldo's lady love Irina Shayk debuted a rather fetching leather jumpsuit (top) at the New York premiere of 'Hanna' on Wednesday night.

Lately, when it comes to Cristiano Ronaldo, we feel like we've been watching the longest episode of Punk'd ever made. We've never wanted to mase Ashton Kutcher as bad as we do now.

Low and behold, the latest rancid rose to be shat from Ronaldo's blingtastic bowels: a luxury hotel and golf course bearing his name.