Well hello there.

I see you've caught me in your office, bearing the gift of my presence and my musky, Vin Diesel-like scent. ... Who am I? Judging by my decidedly unsexy lack of playing time, I thought you might have forgotten. I am Dimitar. Dimitar Berbatov. Or, as all the Berba-babes call me: "What Are You Doing Under My Sink?

Sky TV were quick to give the champagne to Scott Parker last night and while it's hard to argue with that assessment, were there other, more worthy candidates at the heart of Spurs defence?
Speaking after the game, TV pundit Gary Neville pointed to a previous ‘soft centre' in the Tottenham side which would have seen us lose a match like that in the past and that's why he agreed with the Parker decision.

Are there any other contenders for this accolade besides the amazing Gareth Bale? After the Welshman's two goals inspired Tottenham's win, manager Harry Redknapp was typically effusive in his praise.
"I played him in a free role," Harry said. Him and Rafa, rather than on the left. He pops up in positions in-between the midfield and defence, it's difficult to pick him up and once he turns and runs, like he did for the second goal, he's unstoppable.

In tribute to some little heroes

HE'D JUST set up the winning goal and was standing with the goalscorer, in front of the Sky reporter, ready to hand him the man of the match champagne – but Charlie Adam had one thing he really wanted to say. "I'd like to dedicate the win to Brad Jones who had a difficult week losing his son.

By JOSE M. ROMERO

CARSON, Calif. -- Make it three MLS championships for 60-year-old Bruce Arena, and no coach in the has more since the inception of the league in 1996.

Just another feather in the cap for the 2011 MLS Coach of the Year, who appeared to letting it all soak in as he sat down to speak with reporters after his Los Angeles Galaxy defeated the Houston Dynamo 1-0 Sunday night for the MLS Cup.

Welcome to our weekly Monday Blind Items, where our hardworking sources put forward a (mysterious) football puzzle for you to guess! Here's one that has still remained unsolved, with more hints. Can you guess who we're talking about?

This rather charming football personality (he's no longer playing, by the way) enjoys the Moet & Chandon bottle of premium champagne in his hotel room more than going out to social events, where he's likely to be mobbed.

Former Liverpool right-back Steve Nicol has called on Stewart Downing, Lucas Leiva, Jordan Henderson and Charlie Adam to raise their collective games over the next few weeks, arguing that their creative return so far this season has not been good enough.
Nicol acknowledged that Andy Carroll has flattered to deceive in front of goal, but he believes the profligacy of Liverpool's midfielders is a bigger problem:
"For me, the biggest problem is the midfield.

Our old adversary Alan Smith gave the TV Man of the Match award to Brad Friedel yesterday and it was hard to argue with that assessment. Sky's award was announced even before Brad's injury time heroics kept the score down to 2-1 and it recognised a solid performance throughout the game.

But were there other contenders?

Happy Halloween to our fellow Skankensteins!

In the spirit of tricking as well as treating our lovely readership, we've put together a little 'guess who' game of 'ballers in kooky Halloween costumes. Because our spooky celebrations have been mildly sloppy for the past few years, we were keen on improving our drunken levels to 'inappropriate' at this year's office fete.

Sky Sports were quick to anoint Scott Parker with the man of the match award after yesterday's win over QPR but were there better contenders on the day?

Sky rightly suggested that everything that was good about our play seemed to begin with Scott but has he evolved into the Bryan Robson of the present day who only needs to step onto the pitch to receive such awards?

Is this week's man of the match a formality or does someone other than Rafael van der Vaart deserve the champagne after his double strike in yesterday's 2-1 win at Blackburn?

The Dutchman is in a rich vein of striking form with five golas in his last four games and was singled out for praise by manager Harry Redknapp after the match.

Kyle Nakazawa goes crazy with his spraying of celebratory champagne after the Philadelphia Union clinched a playoff spot through an 1-1 draw with Toronto FC. .gif by @3DLink

Aside from enjoying his wonderful name, Pepe Mel is busy sipping the champagne of a wonderful start to the La Liga season post-promotion...before succumbing to two losses in a row.

But bored with the tranquil life that is top flight/second tier football and the occasionally bout of unemployment, he needed to thrust himself into another field simultaneously to fill his time writing mystery novels.

MLS guest blog: Why LA Galaxy deserve more than just the Supporters Shield and a playoff crapshoot

Welcome to MirrorFootball's MLS blog, brought to you in conjunction with ESPN. Every week USA legend Alexi Lalas will be on hand to bring you the latest news from the States, and you'll also be able to watch the week's best goals and highlights.

By Chris Wright

Seattle Sounders won the U.S Open Cup for the third year straight last night, beating Chicago Fire 2-0 to hoist the trophy a victory which was met with jubilant scenes, lashings of frothy champagne and a heavy rain of confetti.

'Twas a truly joyous evening for everybody involved.

Right, so Real Madrid and Barcelona came away from the weekend with nice thrashings of their opponents (6-2 and 5-0 respectively). But while the socios are out popping their 1,245th bottle of champagne clearly you can all start to see a pattern here? The La Liga is starting to morph into that dreary prospect of a two-legged race!

Jamie Redknapp cannot wait to see Steven Gerrard and Luis Suarez on the same pitch.
Both Redknapp and the injured Gerrard were at Anfield on Saturday as Liverpool swept aside Owen Coyle's resilient Bolton.
Several home players could have claimed the match champagne afterwards, but it was Suarez who had our former midfielder purring.

You ever wonder what goes on in the tunnel in the run up to gametime? I'll tell you: it's nothing but champagne & Gatorade spritzers and all-you-can-eat crabcakes. Can you believe that sh*t? No? Good because I'm lying.
The tunnel is a place where 20 year-old keepers give pounds to white-haired security guards, cleats make an exceptionally loud sound and bro hugs are often doled out at a backstage-at-the-Source-Awards frequency.

Glad to see that Athletic Bilbao's resident underwear model, Javi Martinez, recognises the fabulousness that is traveling via private jet to London. If there's champagne and Jaffas onboard, consider us officially moved in. Image via Athletic Bilbao's Facebook.

Imagine, if you will, Carlos Tevez in a dress and high heels. As he struts his stuff on the dance floor his obvious assets attract the attention of certain executives and various managers. The South American player of the year and Champions league medals are pushed up together on his chest, glinting under the disco ball.

What do you celebrate 25 years of infamy with? Champagne? Narcotics? Dictators? There are just so many options.

Poland 0, France 1

Hoarau
Valbuena Martin Cabaye N'Zogbia
A.Diarra
Evra Abidal Kaboul Sagna
Carrasso

This was the second run-out, by my count, of France's new-look 4-1-4-1, which is quite similar to Barcelona's 4-3-3.

Valbuena on the left is not a typo.

Images: REUTERS/Darren Staples; Shaun Botterill/Getty Images.

What we love about the end of the football season is the innumerable chances we have to rub shoulders with the rich, famous and successful. We also relish any and all opportunities to join in on any winning side's celebratory champagne showers.

The Champagne might follow later, but inside Borussia Dortmund's mammoth 80,720-strong full house, the party began fittingly with beer this weekend. Dortmund, the club that almost died of bankruptcy several times over the past two decades, is the Deutscher Meister — the new and thoroughly deserved champion of the Bundesliga.

The SPL season heads inexorably towards its conclusion. Did last Sunday decide the destination of the title?
Perhaps.
Perhaps not.
All Rangers can do is keep winning, keep hoping and wait for Celtic to slip up. Not much else for it.
Celtic, of course, need to avoid slipping up.

Original images: Getty Images/Daylife.

If you're a young woman with plans of nabbing yourself a filthy rich footballer, you could do a lot worse than hanging around the Cheltenham Racecourse during Gold Cup week.

A haven for the kind of guys who don't feel as though they've partied unless they've blown several thousand pounds on a hot tip, Cheltenham Races is the destination for any blinged out boy or girl.

Doesn't the sight of this stoic saint inspire you to take up Shakespearean literature in front of a slow roasting fire, with a meager glass of Vintage Krug and dark chocolate nibs? Yowsers. You know our hormones are actin' a fool if our fantasies involve one teensy glass of high end champagne and food restraint.

Image via newyorkcosmos.com

Oh, there will be barbed comments, flying karate kicks, illegal ball handling and an unhealthy interest in seabirds in New York City soon, people. No, the Kickette staff are not heading to NY for another ‘brainstorming while drunk' session, although the above descriptors can and do apply.

The boys are back after a long three week break encompassing Father Christmas, Flu, Chelsea getting spanked by Arsenal, throwing it away against Villa, being humiliated at Wolves and then finally redeeming themselves on Sunday with a 7-0 thumping of Ipswich. Glorious Unpredictability or what!
As well as discussing the game against Ipswich on Sunday and having a cursory chat about the other four matches, we also award our Man of the Match; Chant of the Match; Celery and Guinness moments.

Lionel Messi thanked his team-mates Andreas Iniesta and Xavi after he claimed his Second Ballon d'Or in a row. The players drank Champagne on the return flight to Barcelona from the Award ceremony and were in great form.

Yipee ! To start with this first post of 2011 let me wish you all a brilliant, fun, prosperous, healthy, sparkling and footballistic new year. Champagne!

(Just make sure to spare a bottle in the fridge to celebrate when we win our 8th championship title at the end of the season). Ahum.

So, while most of us try to fight the weight put on during the winter holidays and add to our list of resolutions for the new year (or the other way round), what are the players doing?