by Will Parchman

Major League Soccer

Some advice for New York City Football Club

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The Death Star. The city of New York is getting a soccer team. I use the future tense because using the New York Red Bulls in this space is somewhat disingenuous. Yes, the Red Bulls have a grip on at least part of the city. And yes, there are diehards (like Mike Petke) who will forever take exception to the media flaunting NYCFC's project as a game-changing project that is perhaps the most

NY2 is dead. Long live NYCFC.

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Sheik Mansour is watching you sleep. America's fifth professional sports league announced its 20th team Tuesday. Major League Soccer dropped a bombshell when it announced the New York Yankees and Manchester City Football Club will be joint partners in the founding of New York City Football Club, which will enter the league as an expansion franchise in 2015.

Comparing the incomparable

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Hey guys, I wrote a thing about Alex Ferguson and his MLS manager doppelgängers over at The Shin Guardian. Go have a look-see and leave lavish comments, would ya? - Will Parchman

Thierry Henry is still the best player in MLS history

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I mean. What. - Will Parchman

If you wanted to know whether NYRB had figured out this whole soccer thing yet...

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...well, think again. The Red Bulls rolled into Chicago for Sunday's feature set to play a Fire team that by most coherent measures was laboriously wandering through one of the ugliest starts to a season in MLS history. The Fire have been awful everywhere — the third-worst goal differential in league history at this point in the season is the thesis argument — but particularly on the attack.

The Landon Donovan situation in 1:20

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I was all ready to unfurl a lengthy piece about Donovan's absence and its inopportune timing as the boys take shrapnel hits in the trenches while Donovan walks his dog. I'll leave that up to newly minted NYT global soccer writer Sam Borden. Instead, in a succinct 1:20, is an illustration that cuts deep to my point.

MLS' most underrated rivalry

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Kinnear: Fightin' mad! DALLAS — Hundreds of Dynamo fans boarded buses in Houston at 6 a.m. Sunday morning, bleary-eyed and drowning in coffee. They packed their flags and their drums and their trumpets and their scarves and left before the sun rose. They arrived en masse at FC Dallas Stadium in Frisco around 11 a.

Seattle goes beast-mode on Tigres

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An MLS side had never opened the trap door on a Mexican one in the CCL knockout stages. Before tonight. Seattle completed a Barca-esque comeback on Tigres in the CCL quarters, turning a 2-0 aggregate deficit into a 3-2 win with three magnificent goals in the second half. The Sounders await the winner of the Houston-Santos second leg, which Houston leads 1-0 headed down to Mexico.

A statistical look at MLS Week 1

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Before we get started: If you haven't already, do yourself a favor and lope on over to Tempo Free Soccer and poke around. Alex Olshanksy is doing man's work with statistical analysis there, and if you want to be a smarter, better human, the choice is obvious. In depth statistical analysis has a home in soccer in the same way it has a home in baseball.

Diego Valeri is a bad, bad man

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The Timbers and Red Bulls put on a show last night. ESPN's game of the week was, ostensibly, MLS' game of the weekend, as Portland clawed back from a 3-1 hole in front of a heaving sell-out crowd at Jeld-Wen. Portland equalized in the final 10 minutes and took a point from what seemed like a surefire loss.

Keyser Söze's apprentice smacks in a ridiculous scorpion kick

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OK, so Vancouver's Daigo Kobayashi isn't actually Keyser Söze's fictitious right-hand man. But he is a man willing to to bend the knee to the cross. Namely, a scorpion kick that, while preseason in shape (if we're being super critical losers, he clicked one foot right after another instead of both simultaneously - which, paradoxically, might have increased the level of difficulty), it was

An MLS preview. Sorta.

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Go ahead, Wells. Date my nonexistent sister. I was recently involved in a cool, sort of wonky roundtable MLS season preview over at The Shin Guardian. Along with a couple other knuckleheads, I chipped in with some opinions. Some ridiculous, some more ridiculous, some worth reading. You can read the whole thing, including everyone else's responses, over at TSG now (I think part two comes out

Talking Brek Shea

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Here's a quick look-back at some of my past thoughts on Shea. Instructive in a few senses. I think the biggest sticking point about this deal revolves around his ability to be challenged in England. I don't know Brek Shea, but I can suss out some small details about his soccer personality based on his past (which I've viewed from up close for his entire career).

Top 5 MLS offseasons

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So we're at that point where it makes some kind of roundabout sense to take stock. Sit back a bit and take a look at where we are and, as always, who's winning so far. This is an index taking into account the full measure of every MLS team's offseason to this point. That includes draft, player signings, coaching moves and lunch choices (saw that plate of chicken and waffles you downed at

Sporting K-flash

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It's been a big couple months in Kansas City. Not only has SKC hosted its first World Cup qualifier, but the StrongBox is also hosting the 2013 All-Star Game. Now, to add to the party (this uni-nerd's party, anyway), the club rolled out its new look for the first time at the SuperDraft today (which I'll have plenty on later), complete with a much-needed shirt sponsor.

Coaches, coaches everywhere

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Hawkishly rooting for Montreal to lose. MLS gets a break for the offseason. Don't I get one too? Not according to this crazy coaching carousel. Coaches roll in and they roll out, and here we are. The interesting part are the ones coming off the assembly line in Canada. And there are a few notable ones to mention today.

Chivas USA will fail again in 2013

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Forever for Guadalajara. Occasionally for LA. Watching Chivas USA flail about in the postseason after another utterly forgettable season has become a cherished rite of winter for all but a tiny sliver of Los Angelinos. We watch a promising player jettisoned or a young coach shackled and then executed or a front office implosion or a cornerstone hammered out of the collapsing building.

Generation adidas-splosion

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Worth noting today that center backs Walker Zimmerman (Furman) and Andrew Farrell (Lousiville) are officially Generation adidas players. Ferrell is a huge get as one of the presumptive top picks in the upcoming draft, though it seems unlikely TFC will keep it after they snapped up vagabond defender Gale Agbossoumonde in a weighted lottery they won over FCD this week.

Sporting KC is winning the offseason

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Since putting the sword to an desolate mid-2000's run post-Lamar Hunt, Sporting KC has planted its silver-blue battle standard in the heart of the midwest and carved out the region for itself. For one, the organization is the most social media-literate franchise in MLS. Spend some time on Twitter or Facebook following SKC and its many affable arms and you'll understand.

The MLS Re-Entry Draft: Musings

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It's like a forcible, watered-down trade deadline day! Gird thy loins, ye heathens. We get to pick over the carcass of MLS' B-Team! Fourteen players were reassigned on Friday. Some, like Chad Barrett, drew choruses of "mehs" that rippled across the skies. Others were a tad more wait-and-see, like Stephen Keel's possible pairing with George John in Dallas.

Digesting the MLS silly season

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Rafa Marquez loves himself. A lot. There are things afoot. Strange things. Incomprehensible things. Dirty things. So let's break down what's happened so far, read the tea leaves to suss out where we're going. Hint: it's not where Rafa Marquez is going. Here are a few high points. The Philadelphia Union Philly skulked into the offseason with a mountain of questions, and The Hack has done his

The MLS Cup Final: It's about Beckham

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David Beckham: The son of two worlds In the 91st minute of Saturday's final, with LA leaning agonizingly forward toward the finish line with a 2-1 lead, David Beckham lined up for a free kick some 40 yards from Tally Hall's line. The camera cut to Becks, who almost immediately leveled his gaze toward the tops of his shoes.

On Tap: The MLS Cup

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The MLS Cup + Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory = ? It's almost go time in LA. I'll have a recap and some thoughts after the game. Until then, enjoy the spectacle. - Becks is ready to bring the curtain down on his MLS adventure - The unmistakable AEG thread spindles its way through this one - Boring rematch?

Soccer In America

Meanwhile, at the Cosmos headquarters, tears

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Lost in the shuffle of this huge deal for New York FC are the Cosmos, who have now gone from hoping to one day be the city's second team to hoping against hope that one day in the distance future the league assumes a pro/rel structure. Pipe dreams. It seems only appropriate now to look back on my piece from last year on the Cosmos' strange history and how now they must enjoy life in the second

How Jogabo plans to change how you play soccer

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At its heart, soccer is a social game. Millions gather on pitted fields, rutted blacktops and pristine lawns daily to partake in the sacred rite of kicking a soccer ball. Jeremy Melul, an entrepreneur and rabid soccer fan, got a glimpse of all this at an early age. And he wondered. What if there was a way, digitally, to use technology to enhance the experience?

Will Parchman

Blizzard postgaming

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If you want to find my thoughts after that insane game in Colorado, head over to The Shin Guardian to take in my retro diary and then skip over to American Soccer Now to read my match ratings. Word to the wise: ratings in those conditions were rough. Take them with a grain of salt. - Will Parchman

Kazakh soccer is glorious

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No words. No words t'all. - Will Parchman

Part Three

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Just in case any of you gents missed it, here's a final, complete list of all three of my installments in my 1985 USMNT series over at American Soccer Now (the final one ran on Monday). Cheers. Part I - The End of the BeginningPart II - The Nightmare Approaches Part III - The Failure in Torrance - Will Parchman

DeuceFace does Swansea

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If you're interested in picking through a new Retro Diary I did for The Shin Guardian on the 1-0 win Deuce's Spurs inflicted on Swansea this morning, check this out. Enjoy (hopefully). - Will Parchman

United States Men's National Team

The Torrance Nightmare, Part Deux

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Almost forgot to get this up here, but fear not! Here's part two of my three-part series on the 1985 USMNT debacle in Torrance. You know, in case you missed it. Now in fancy Roman numerals. Part three, the final installment, will hit ASN on Monday. Part I - The End of the Beginning Part II - The Nightmare Approaches - Will Parchman

Costa Rica, the NASL and the darkest days of American soccer

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Hey guys, just wanted to quickly alert you to a three-part series of mine that's running over at American Soccer Now in the coming weeks. The first part dropped today. It orbits the USMNT's 1-0 loss to Costa Rica in 1985, which forced the US to miss the 1986 World Cup. The Nats haven't missed one since.

The Rest

Chivas USA: A story from the inside

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I don't have much time. They're training the goats. They can already speak Spanish. My god, I heard they can administer false, gerrymandered W2's on our behalf to the government now. The man who brought me that information is dead. Killed by the guy who played Screech on Saved By The Bell. They do that.

The Dangerous Winter

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I wrote something for Futbol Intellect yesterday and want to reproduce it here. It's a follow-up to my Hemingway Experiment from last year in which Hemingway joins a group of Fire supporters at a Galaxy away match. This time, Hemingway steps into Landon Donovan's head to narrate his confusing winter hiatus.

The life and times of a soccer hipster

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I bought my Borussia Dortmund jersey in early spring of 2002. It made all of my other really obscure uniforms jealous. It was my Benjamin Disraeli in a sea of Winston Churchills. I hope you don't get that reference. In fact, forget I ever mentioned it. I burned it last night. I burned it and then I yelled at the ashes and then I performed a ritual dance around the pyre to commend them to the

An unlikely lesson on youth soccer in the U.S.

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Sometimes the most profound lessons are the simplest. I got a dose of that today. I'm doing a story about a local high school here going to the Texas state tournament later this week (naturally a hot-spot for some of the best youth soccer concentrated anywhere in the country). This school, University High in Waco, is 31-0, already the best record in the state in any classification in the last

A footy film to support

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Hey gents, a promising soccer film is just revving up, and you've got a chance to get in on the ground floor. The working title is Kick Flick 2014, and you can devour info to your heart's content and check out a quick storyboard on the film here. One day, when you see this thing rip up the silver screen, you can say, Yo, I helped do that.

A Merry (Footy) Christmas

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What better gift than a soccer gift? And what better soccer gift than an MLS gift? Can't do much better than season tix (pinched a couple pics below from Twitter from early revelers). If there's not a red Bradley #4 uni under the tree tomorrow I'm throwing so many elbows. Have a merry Christmas, guys.

The Albion Trajectory

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Being that this is the season of giving, I'd like to share something I recently guest-wrote for Futbol Intellect, a site entirely worth your time anyway. But for the holiday season the boys over at FI are running a 12 Days of Goals series examining some of the world's best, most robust strikes down the years.

Who likes goals?

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It's a Tuesday edition of your favorite golazo roundup. Warning: there are some beautiful screamers to digest this week. First we travel to Newcastle for Gael Bigrimana's Monday night cracker to put the hosts 3-0 up on wallowing Wigan. Next we have Totti, my favorite footballer of all time, flaying Fiorentina alive with a stunning strike he picked off the turf and more or less threw into