World's worst room service Corinthians are keeping their biggest star (literally) under house arrest in a bid to halt the seemingly unstoppable expansion of his waistline. Former Inter Milan star Adriano is being kept under lock and key at a hotel after the club decided to show tough love to their striker to help his [.

Seen outside last night's H&M David Beckham Bodywear launch party in London. Image: Bauer Griffin.

Kickettes, do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

Whether or not a three-wish-granting genie pops out, I'd like to rub David Beckham's silver statue bulge.

Whilst Robin Van Persie's shots continue to bulge nets far and wide, there is always the worry that his injury woes could return, leaving Arsenal with little options up front apart from the ineffective Chamakh. Since the arrival of Park and his subsequent brilliant run of form for his country, though, this issue seemed to [.

The 'Sex Face'. With additional looming? It's a strong start from Bafe. Image: BERTRAND GUAY/AFP/Getty Images.

Aside from a perfunctory nod in the Weekend Results and the occasional photo of Yoann Gourcuff, Ligue 1 tends to remain somewhat 'off-piste' for us. But that doesn't mean we're not constantly monitoring the newswires (Editor's note: yes it does) for images of players exhibiting what we like to call 'The Five Tests of Titillation': namely those poses that we can wilfully misinterpret as an effort by a player to appear on these pages.

Saturday

- Francesco Totti was spotted soaking wet, in a bulge cupper on an Italian beach. Just how God intended it (PS his wife and kids were there too).

- We gave a warm chorizo welcome to Chelsea's latest transfer signing, Oriol Romeu. Don't be shy in your hellos, Kickettes, he doesn't bite*.

This is not a test of your blood pressure, dear readers, this is an emergency.

Did you hear the one about Britain's best-known doting daddy, David Beckham, getting his Goldenballs in gear to create a forthcoming kids clothing line with American rapper Snoop Dogg?

If this gossip holds true, this would be probably the closest case of mental combustion we'll ever experience outside of watching our brains on drugs.

Image: Getty Images.

This just in: our very own Kickette Men's Underpants Research Institute has concluded that lighter-coloured shorts are 73%* more likely to offer the best view of a short-tent and/or bulge. What's more, we read an equally reputable article the other day that reinforced our findings about the importance of kit colour.

From the picturesque hills of the Italian countryside also known as Package Shrinking Paradise here is training wheels-eligible Davide Santon's bulge accentuated by his flat surface thigh. Disregard our unscrupulous efforts to mask a perfectly good Short Tent post as a Thursday Thigh treat, we're just doing our jobs here.

We aren't sure where or when these images are from, but judging by Lukas Podolski's bulge, it's new (and news) to us.

What we do need to determine is what we did to deserve this kind of Friday, and then repeat the process.

Though puzzled by the frequent visual proof that footballers actually buy their groceries themselves (rather than hiring imported servants and/or desperate peasants to do their manual labour), we love seeing footballers doing the groceries.

For example, here's Manchester United's Dimitar Berbatov stocking up on H20 and other goodies at Sainsburys in Wilmslow two days ago.

Happy 2011, Kickettes! We sincerely hope you had a wonderful break filled with pudding and presents.

We also hope you spent your New Year celebrations with someone you love/lust/like, and that the alcohol poisoning only required an overnight hospital stay.

We can't think of a better way to welcome a new start than with this fascinating short tent scenario from the Liverpool/Bolton game.