The matches to watch after you realize that, if for just this weekend, the suspension of Chelsea's transfer ban is far less important than the match on Sunday. And that I told you so.

Saturday

Tottenham v Sunderland at White Hart Lane Jermain Defoe returns from suspension and Aaron Lennon might appear, although this will really be Darren Bent's show as he visits his former team.

In a routine chat with MUTV this week, Manchester United backup goalkeeper Tomasz Kuszczak said the following:

"To be honest, I must say this and Edwin doesn't like this too much for sure, but he doesn't help me too much.

"I have told him a few times already to give me some more advice because he's got more experience and got many more games under his belt.

Look at that sweater. That is not a sweater that a sane man wears. Since taking over as manager at Barcelona, Pep has been something of a touchline fashion icon, but this...this is madness.

Look at it it's like he cut two different sweaters down the middle and sewed them together to form one headache-inducing schizophrenic bastardization of clashing designs.

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. BEING INJURED I AM SO BORED!!!!!!!! SITTING AROUND THE HOUSE INSTEAD OF BUSTING SKULLS ON THE PITCH HAS FORCED ME TO DO THINGS THAT I WOULD NEVER NORMALLY DO!!!!! LIKE SMILING AND CALMLY LOUNGING ON THE COUCH!

Sao Paulo managed to hold on to a 1-1 draw against Gremio on Wednesday despite having three players get sent off in the final 15 minutes. Of the three tackles that earned early dismissals, I think the butt kick/head slap combo (15 seconds in) would have to be the most original.

But if you want to see something that will make the above video look like bingo night at the old folks home, check out this clip of the MMA battle between the BYU and New Mexico women's teams.

Katy Perry hosted the MTV Europe Music Awards in Berlin last night and wore the above claret and blue ensemble for part of the show on a dare from boyfriend, fellow MTV host, and West Ham faithful Russell Brand (see him sing "We All Follow The West Ham" on Jimmy Fallon four minutes into this video).

Oh, Wolverhampton. When they're not passing off manual labor as a prize, they're trying to turn their players into subzero ice people.

The club's physio and masseur took midfielders Michael Kightly and Dave Edwards (pictured above, left) to a cryotherapy clinic earlier in the week. No, they weren't making plans to freeze their bodies after they die so they can one day fight in Walt Disney's unfrozen superhuman zombie army, they were actually there to freeze their living bodies at ungodly temperatures and all while wearing nothing but underpants and gloves.

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award winning Dirty Tackle...

Outrage over Wayne Rooney's use of wussy hand covers in the Champions League. [Channelbee]

Chelsea consider selling the naming rights to Stamford Bridge. And I consider crying.

Whenever a ball goes into the stands during a match, I always wonder what would happen if the person who grabs it decides that he's keeping that sucker and that there's nothing anyone can do about it.

Well, that's exactly what happened during the Switzerland v Germany match at the U17 World Cup.

Wayne Rooney

This parenting stuff is already harder than I thought. ... Meat. ... The kid doesn't like to play with fireworks nearly as much as I do and he doesn't even know how to use a toilet. ... Meat. ... I think he might be broken. Can you fix a broken kid with a screwdriver and a nail gun?

Manchester United new boy Gabriel Obertan only came on for the final eight minutes of United's 3-3 come from behind draw with CSKA Moscow on Tuesday, but he still managed to get in an off the ball cheap shot on Deividas Semberas, earning himself a yellow card.

Looks like he's already been hanging around Paul Scholes too much.

Ahhhhhhhh some of the fans took off their club issued masks! Swine flu! SWINE FLU!!!!!!!

[Photo: SERGEI SUPINSKY/AFP/Getty Images]

Wednesday's Champions League match between Rangers and Unirea Urziceni ended with a 1-1 draw after two late goals in Bucharest, but the real action was in the stands, where Rangers fans clashed with CS gas wielding stewards. Says Rangers chief executive Martin Bain on the club's official website:

"Obviously the behaviour of some of the fans inside the stadium was unacceptable and no-one likes to see that

"However, what was equally unacceptable was the fact that Rangers came to this stadium with representatives from UEFA and Unirea a number of weeks ago and arranged for the four turnstiles to be open to give access to our supporters.

Calm down, big guy. Before you go and try to waddle off to Thailand, just know that FAT stands for Football Association of Thailand. That has nothing to do with you, no matter how much you want those free hamburgers. Yes, it is true that you're a fat player, but you're not a FAT player. You're actually more of an f-f-f-a-t-t-t player.

Adriano has been doing really well since returning to Brazil and getting his head back together. So well, in fact, that people are even using his image on their products. Unfortunately, those products are drugs.

From the Corriere dello Sport:

Now that Adriano is back in Rio de Janeiro and is the top scorer in the Brazilian championship with Flamengo, he's so popular that his picture is even selling packets of drugs.

This kid does not take trash talk lightly. If you mouth off to him, he will chase you down the length of the pitch and smash into you like a freight train, even if you have absolutely zero to do with what's happening on the ball. And then he'll get up and walk away, satisfied that you want ever try and express yourself vocally in his presence again.

The rise of La Liga and its increasing appeal to foreign players can be attributed to more than just Real Madrid spending money like a teenage girl with a trust fund. Everyone agrees that the "Beckham Law", which allows footballers to pay almost half the taxes that normal people do, has been a big draw, especially as the tax rate has risen in the UK.

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award winning Dirty Tackle...

The derby match between St. Pauli and Hansa Rostock once again brings fire and violence and police involvement, this time inflamed by St. Pauli's Deniz Naki. [101gg]

Every fan attending the Dynamo Kiev v Inter Champions League match will be given masks to protect against the terrifying dangers of swine flu.

There has been a steady stream of rumors about Maicon potentially leaving Inter since last summer, though nothing has come of them and it seems nothing will. Says Maicon's agent, Antonio Caliendo:

"Every day there's a story linking Maicon to a different club. First it was Real Madrid, then Manchester United and now City.

As previously mentioned, Wayne Rooney's son Kai Wayne Rooney was born yesterday. Wayne skipped out on Manchester United's training session to be at the hospital for the birth and was expecting a boy, but was that all? The following is a transcript of Wayne's conversation with the doctor immediately after Kai's birth.

From the same game as yesterday's DTotD, we have Amauri's injury time act of frustration. He tried to be discreet about it, but in most circles kicking a goalkeeper in the face is frowned upon (as is tossing said goalkeeper's own teammate on top of him after the fact, though to a much lesser extent), so Amauri was shown a red card and may or may not have hoped that the referee would fall on the ground so he could kick him in the face, as well.

I never thought I'd say it, but this is it the eyebrow of seduction is just too powerful. It needs to be reigned in and controlled like a military grade weapon. The UN needs to sanction it and ethics professors need to include discussion of its proper use in their curriculum. This simply cannot go on.

Well, English football's golden child has arrived and bets are already being taken on whether newborn Kai will eventually live up to his father's high standard as a professional footballer (you know, as the children of the incredibly talented and famous always do).

The bookies at Ladbrokes have set the odds on mini-Roo breaking into Manchester United's first team at 33-1.

When we last left Jose Mourinho's tongue, it was being stuck out at the crowd after an injury time winner against Udinese. Here it makes another appearance, albeit just a cameo, after Inter's second goal against Livorno on Sunday, accompanied by some kind of Michael Jackson type hand motion.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me talking on the phone. Perhaps you are extremely jealous that you don't have my undivided attention? ... No, I'm not on a phone sex hotline, I'm talking to my cousin Timitar about my fantastic goal against Blackburn. Ha-HA! It really was quite impressive.

Mauro Camoranesi ran face first into Matteo Contini's elbow in the early going of Napoli's 3-2 upset of Juventus on Saturday, which opened up a cut on his forehead that bled like, well, like something you'd expect to see on Halloween.

Camoranesi had to be substituted in the 31st minute because of his forehead blood spigot, so if this was just an effort to be festive, I'd say it went a little too far.

After disappointing performances in Sampdoria's 5-1 thrashing by Juventus and 0-0 draw with newly promoted giant tripper uppers Bari not to mention the fact that he only has one goal in 10 league matches this season Antonio Cassano was jeered by a section of his home supporters on Sunday and as you might have expected, he has severely overreacted.

The matches to watch after you realize that playing football while wearing a cape might be the most awesome thing ever.

Saturday

Arsenal v Tottenham at Emirates Stadium North London derby. While Spurs are a little depleted at the moment (Defoe, Lennon, dos Santos, and Modric all out), this is still the match of the weekend.

After the great Henrik Larsson's final match as a professional footballer on Wednesday, his club threw him a little retirement party and decided to go all out and hire a Rod Stewart impersonator to provide the entertainment. Although Henrik appears thoroughly bored by the fake Rod Stewart's rendition of "I Am Sailing", everyone else is pretty into it, waving their hands in the air and vibing off fake Rod's hand-kissing charms.

There's an unstoppable groin-pocalypse going on at Lyon right now and no one is immune to its devastation. From Reuters:

Olympique Lyon have been hit by a series of groin injuries with keeper Hugo Lloris, defenders Jean-Alain Boumsong, Aly Cissokho, Mathieu Bodmer, Cleber Anderson, Cris, midfielders Cesar Delgado, Jeremy Toulalan, Kim Kallstrom and striker Lisandro Lopez all suffering from the same problem before their trip to arch-rivals St Etienne on Saturday.

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. HALLOWEEN I DECIDED TO BE A MONK FOR HALLOWEEN AGAIN THIS YEAR AND I ASKED MY FRIEND MICHAL ZEWLAKOW TO BE A MONK AGAIN TOO BUT HE SAID WE SHOULD BE MICHAEL JACKSONS AND I SAID "AHHHHHHH BUT I WANT TO BE A MONK!

Celtic captain Stephen McManus earned a straight red for his waaaay late challenge on Hearts striker Andy Driver just before the final whistle in Hearts' 1-0 CIS Insurance Cup quarterfinal win on Wednesday.

The referee initially only showed McManus a yellow card, but then the assistant ref pulled him aside and side something to the effect of "Are you serious?

Let's face it unless you spend a lot of time on the toilet or in airports, it's difficult to pry yourself away from the television and/or internet long enough to actually read and actual book. So in the interest of focusing your book readin' efforts on the few works actually worth sacrificing valuable YouTube time for, we present the first book to earn the DT seal of approval: Finn McCool's Football Club.

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award winning Dirty Tackle...

Sick of those damn strikers getting all the glory? Make like Chacarita defender Mariano Echeverria and steal a pass, sprint up the pitch, pass to yourself, then go top corner on the keeper.

Gianfranco Zola just checked and everything seems to be in place. You can start the game now.

[Photo: Getty; Previously in odd Zola images.]