What would be the best way for MLS to shed it's juice box-innocent reputation? If your answer is star players taking their pop star wives out to Vegas for a weekend of alcohol, prize-fighting, Scientologist's and fake titties you might be on the right path.
It seems that the Beckham's were in Vegas for the weekend and in addition to having din-din with TomKat and checking out the Mayweather fight, spent 3 whole hours in a private room at Spearmint Rhino -the NoBu of Sin City strip clubs.

This type of information is absolutely uncalled for. Even I think this is too much, and I'll print anything. Someone doesn't know where the line is.

A couple of the big gossip sites have mentioned today that Becks finally received his Hollywood baptism last night by being seen out at LA paparazzi-magnet Hyde for the first time (with his 'lil buddy Cobi Jones and chatting with Kanye West). Personally I am shocked that it took him 3 months to show his slightly hairy face in there as everyone with a remix deal and a reality show seems to be snapped exiting the place.

As we speak it is nighttime in Wellington, NZ and the LA Galaxy are probably out getting boozy and trolling for Antipodean ass. And they should be since they've (finally) played and won their last match of 2007. And they did it in dominating fashion.

Prior to the game Becks went on 'walkabout' through the city center and literally turned into the Pied Piper of soccer with a mob of folks following him where ever he went.

Seriously, with pictures like this how can you not love PerezHilton.com?

I thought yesterday's post would be the last thing running about the GalaxyQuest down under, but the hits keep on coming. Good thing too since it is the off season and I could use the content.
The photo above with Becks and those two unfortunate heiresses is from the red carpet leading into the VIP post-game after party in Wellington.

A non-action shot, the red carpet, the rebranded uniform. In some weird, possibly unintentional way this photo accentuates the one bad thing about the impending media circus surrounding Goldenballs. I mean the guy is here to play soccer right, not just sell tickets and kits (although that is much appreciated)? Regardless, the always awesome Grant Wahl's done a nice, long bit about the circus coming to town.

"What's my name? Tell me my name. Yeah, that's right..."
Ladies and bi-curious gentlemen, if you've ever spent a lonely evening with the marital aid of your choice wondering to yourself just exactly how David Beckham "hits it", wonder no more. The Fieldturf at Giants Stadium can join Posh, and (allegedly) Rebecca Loos on the list of carpets that Goldenballs has brushed up against.

Before you ask yourself what in the hell he's doing, he appears to be hiding from something or someone in a Sasquatch-type fashion in the duty-free area of Vancouver airport before his flight to Minneapolis. The man is that in demand. Except for in Minneapolis where the 45K crowd that was mooted to show up failed to materialize.
Where were all the Beckhamaniacs in Minneapolis last night?

I haven't mentioned one of my favorite clothing operations in a minute but since Becks was spotted rocking their new line while out on the lash in Vancouver with new wing man Peter Vagenas, I figure the time is now to give you the hook up.
What hook up is that? 15% off any order from Bumpy Pitch's mad decent Classic American Soccer Collection line.

Have you seen Snoop's reality show yet? Dude is a ridiculous caricature of himself now, but it's funny. I know a lot of folks hate reality TV but with the screen writer's strike going on & on ala Erykah Badu, you may as well get used to it. And if you're gonna watch it you may as well have a laugh.

Between this this and Grant Wahl's cover story this week, I think I might have to start reading Sports Illustrated outside of the doctor's office (it's either that or read Highlights).

With all of the moves that the Galaxy have made this season I for one am shocked that they haven't made a move for Optimus. LA could use a defender of Prime's size and speed in the back line and he could take advantage of Becks relationship with Tom Cruise to further his acting career.

Read that headline while drinking something and try not to spew it out your nose. Impossible. I know it's LA and everyone sprinkles blow on their Corn Flakes in the morning, but fuck me if this international media orgy is their idea of subtlety.
The only thing that can make this coming out party more of a spectacle would be if Beckham crash landed a Lexus helicopter (and they don't even make those) into the press conference, had his jersey presented by the ghost of John F.

So this was the week where soccer in America went all Hollywood. On Wednesday Chesea hosted a party that was filled with enough celebrity trash to fill a Los Angeles landfill; I'd put $5 on it that the chalk lines on the field would pale in size to the white lines in the toilets.
By now you've seen the red-carpet roll call from the HDC saturday; Posh was sipping Crystal with Eva Longoria, TomKat and alien baby Suri, Jennifer Love Hewwitt was there with her rack out for the viewing pleasure of ESPN's worldwide audience, and Drew Carey was there as usual and possibly pissed off that he isn't the most famous guy in the building anymore.

Some hobbits, yesterday.
Why fly halfway around the globe to the land of OZ for a single game when you can make another cool million by getting off the plane for a kick-about when you stop to refuel? That seems to be the question Alexi Lalas and Team AEG are asking themselves as they mull over a match in New Zealand in November.
I'd do it just to go to the land of hobbits, screw the cash.

As mentioned earlier in the week, LA Galaxy have battled through 3 straight road games to improbably remain in the playoff hunt. They've done it sans Beckham, and in the case of the defense, without the blond ambition of Abel Xavier.
As writers Bill Urban and Billy Witz have pointed out this week, they've also done it without the attention and pressure that would have been on them had Goldenballs been in working order.

She looks happy doesn't she? Poor lamb probably doesn't know if she wants an autograph or an appetizer. This is the face of Kiwi Beckham-mania....very, very excited.
The New Zealand media is pretty excited as well. You can tell when you watch the press conference, which you can see here in its entirety.

So the 1st of the new Armani ads featuring Becks is out and I think it is pretty clear who the target demo is. It is also clear that he stuffed his crotch with a billiard ball for the shoot.
Upon seeing this photo, one lady co-worker said "It's not that women don't want large penis's, it's just that we don't want to be shown a picture that would make us scared of someone's penis".

The "Bucks For Becks" 2007 tour will roll through the land of wombats and Kylie Minogue this fall when the Galaxy play against Sydney FC at Telstra Stadium.
So while the rest of MLS are spending their off season in a Thanksgiving turkey-induced tryptophan coma on their momma's couch, the Gals will be at His Ginger Majesty's service on the other side of the world playing 'superclub'.

Clan Beckham departed from LHR (London Heathrow to the non-passport holders out there) and are on their way to LA LA Land as we speak. Do you think Don Garber let them sit in 1st class or does that give them an unfair comfort advantage over other passengers?

Photo courtesy of the ever irreverent Perez Hilton.com

It's official. Goldenballs is in country and panties are now soaked from Long Beach to Long Island. If you are a woman, an Anglophile or gay this shit is your Beatles coming to America. LA TV station KCAL has the video of the mobscene at LAX last night.
According to the report they'll even be carrying the press conference live today at 1pm EST.

Good thing Becks isn't married to Christina Aguilera or the DC supporters wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Courtesy of AOL Sports.

Ring the bells, warm up the Beckham-Cam, and alert the President! Not only is Goldenballs back in training for the first time in ages, but their is real talk of him playing next week. Hell, he's even talking to the LA Times...so he must really be on the comeback for reals because for all off the coverage he's garnered this season he has actually given precious few one-on-one interviews.

Another Beckham bit for the ladies, and homosexualists out there. Hot off the presses of Womens' Wear Daily comes the (bi?)curious news that LA's number 23 will be keeping his Goldenballs tucked safely and securely in Victoria's loving mouth a pair of Emporio Armani underpants. For money of course. I don't know how in Hades it's possible but this will somehow make him even more of a sex symbol.

You know you have stepped up as a league when accountants can now purchase freakishly large wall stickers of your best players for their offices. Fathead is not offering a small selection of MLS Fatheads featuring team crests and even a few players; JPA (as the image above would imply), The Hunchback of Bridgeview, Landycakes and of course Goldenballs -who is available in multiple poses and hairstyles.

And just to exploit the Galaxy game in Sydney to the same extent that Becks is being exploited by the Galaxy, here's some video of Becks snaking free-kick. No matter how many times you see him do it, it never gets old. This shit is Elisha Cuthbert-bent-over-the-bed fine.

80,000 + packed into Telstra Stadium to watch local side Sydney FC hang 5 on the Galaxy tonight/this a.m. (depending on what side of the international date line you call home). And they got what they paid for: not only did Becks score on one of his patented free kicks, but he also pulled out one of his now-customary leg injuries for Sydney's fucked-on-Foster's spectators (who are under the illusion that they play in the SEC or for Dave Justice-era Atlanta Braves).

I can't believe that I'm asking this question but, um....did you see the Barbara Walters special on ABC last night? No? Maybe you were too busy dumping a body at the Red Bull Park construction site to tune in (as reported on New York One this morning). Ok then, I'll just let you watch the clip above to get caught up after you take a shower, burn your clothes and peel the tape off of your fingertips.

And that is only the tip of the over-the-top-production iceberg . I'm not sure that 300 had this much going on camera-wise and that movie was insane. The most out there bit in the laundry list of bells & whistles for me is the following:
"Reggie Bush, the New Orleans Saints running back who has teamed up with Beckham in his first major endorsement deal of the summer, will be a guest during the coverage.

Courtesy of Dantat comes this excellent footage of Becks first training day. Thankfully Denzel Washington and his dust-laden weed was no where to be found. The dollar signs popping off of every kick is more spot on than an Escalade full of Dalmatians.

You heard that his ankle is still wonky, right? With so much green (not to mention 19 cameras) tied up in this match, I'd be willing to bet that if he can walk without aid of cane he'll play.

After the show it's the after party and
After the party is the hotel lobby and
After the Belve then it's probably Cris, and
After the original it was probably this
Jay-Z's verse on R.Kelly's "Fiesta"
Apparently Cobi & Becks are now the MLS Paris & Nicole and were out on the drink in Chocolate City last night after the game.

"It's been wild, but fun, and it's been good for us. The downside is, they're rooting for David, not for us." - Landon Donovan to the Boston Globe, 8/12/07

Landon Donovan is a very polished, professional player. He is also quite used to being a big fish in a small pond. And as cool as he has been about his replacement as Galaxy, AEG, and MLS poster child I can't help but taste a little poison in that last line; "They're rooting for David, not for us.

I watched this and thought to myself "Self, this is not very funny". And then I saw this KNBC report stating that he re-injured the world's most discussed ankle again in practice. At that point it went from being not funny to eerily prescient. Perhaps Graig Ferguson is behind the breaking of Beckham (he is Scottish after all).
Conspiracy theories aside, I'm starting to hope that he doesn't touch the pitch again this season.

Crikey bitches.
Sydney is the 1st port of call on the Antipodean leg of the Bucks for Becks World Tour™. Goldenballs arrived in Sydney on a separate (read 'private') plane from the rest of the team as he was departing from England instead of LA. The match against Sydney FC is slated for tonight in Sydney (for which 80K tix have been sold), but with that all that crazy international date line mess I think that may actually be tomorrow in North America.

Off to Hobbit country then for the next stop on the Bucks for Becks World Tour, exotic New Zealand. Upon arrival at Wellington Airport the Gals where greeted by a mob of hyped-up Kiwi's, the media, and a man in a suit who did some sort of dance that involved brandishing a stick in a threatening manner.

Day 2 of Kiwi Beckham mania finds the island nation continuing to fall tits over tail for Goldenballs. 15,000 school children turned out to watch the Gals train -a crowd that would be a respectable attendance figure in NY or KC. What's more is that they were out of their little minds and screaming like tiny banshees who'd spent the morning snorting Pixie Stix off of the key to their mum's mini van.

Arsenal skipper Arsene Wenger has confirmed that Goldenballs will train with the north London side this off-season, but won't play for the team. So hopefully that will put paid to all the Becks loan deal rumors that were going around a while back. But then again, I'm sure a new rumor or injury will just originate from his time there.

You have to admit that's kind of scary right? It's like Becks is the Geisha House ying to Federline's KFC yang. Basically if Goldenballs had no athletic aptitude, and had married a once successful pop star who's penchant for questionable decision making was not limited to fashion, he would be Federline.
This disturbing revelation comes courtesy of Conan O'Brien who has taken it upon his ginger-haired self to prematurely cast the biopic on America's Favorite Immigrants ™.

Doubtful but there seems to be more interaction between the 2 lately than I would ever have guessed. We've talked Milwaukee to death so now we are heading down to my home state of Texas where apparently the good folks at Texas Motor Speedway (I saw the Stones & Smashing Pumpkins there in '97, D'Arcy likened it to playing the county fair) have decided to run a Beckham related contest .

It's been almost 5 full days since the Mayhem in the Meadowlands™ and we should all stop talking about it because it is only going to make it that much harder to watch a nil-nil draw between Chivas USA and Columbus but I have just one thing to add. That match was so ill that ESPN Classic has made it the 1st "Instant Classic" for MLS and will rebroadcast the match on Thursday at 7pm EST.