By Alan Duffy

While Europe prepares for Euro 2012, across the Atlantic in South America, they are already battling it out for a place in the 2014 World Cup in Brazil.

While Uruguay could only draw 1-1 at home to Venezuela on Saturday, Chile won 2-0 away at Bolivia.

By Chris Wright

Sigh, if only...

We could be wrong here, but the younger chap looks suspiciously like the bloke who has Clive Tydlesley living in his nipple.

Video: CPUversusCPU

Hello, how's the head? Pounding, eh? I know the feeling. A quick Saturday round-up for you. Not that you don't deserve more. There just isn't more.

Anyway, we'll start with Bacary Sagna who in the spare time he has since that bloke tromped on his leg and broke it, has obviously been soaking up the mood from the old Twitter box.

So the season has ended and we can take stock of where we are and the way we've performed. I've decided to a player by player analysis of each player and assign them a mark, just like in school. I just need to find a red pen with which to scribble on their report cards.

It's broken up into two parts (today and tomorrow), and we start at the back with goalkeepers and defenders.

West Ham's comfortable 5-0 aggregate play-off victory over Cardiff City ought to have been cause for celebration in East London last night. But not for 'Chris'. 'Chris' was busy trying to draft in a second-choice best man at short notice. OTP can deduce that 'Chris' is due to tie the knot on May 19, the [.

A bloke wearing a dress is funny.

That's a skirt right, Kickettes?

Saturday

- Irina continued her reign of hotness. What on earth is going on with this chick? We suspect some sort of contract with the spiritual higher-ups in exchange for serious levels of sizzle.

After 1965's FA Cup victory over Leeds United, Liverpool's next trip to the final saw them come up short in a hard-fought game against Arsenal in 1971. As in 1965, the match had gone to extra time a goalless draw, and once again three goals had then been scored—only this time, it was Liverpool on the losing end of a 2-1 scoreline.

Goof mornigh from Monsoon hit Dyblun. Or, to put it another way – having got my hands sorted Good morning from Monsoon hit Dublin. I have a dead leg picked up during football last night which made getting up the stairs something of a challenge, but I have struggled manfully on to provide you with your blog fodder.

1. At one point it appeared that this bloke had gone to get a topical t-shirt printed mid-match. 2. Being played off the park at the Emirates must hurt Arsene Wenger far more than being kicked off the park at the Britannia. 3. During commentary, Sky Sports' Martin Tyler said that Wenger was the worst [.

Apart from supporters of the doomed bottom 3 is there a football fan who doesn't want Wigan to escape relegation? Their PL survival is a mystery given the small ground, low attendances and limited finances - they are the (Leyton) Orient of Manchester. And yet they survive without resorting to hoof ball and dull physical football, maintaining an admirable allegiance to playing attractive football.

Apart from supporters of the doomed bottom 3 is there a football fan who doesn't want Wigan to escape relegation? Their PL survival is a mystery given the small ground, low attendances and limited finances - they are the (Leyton) Orient of Manchester. And yet they survive without resorting to hoof ball and dull physical football, maintaining an admirable allegiance to playing attractive football.

By Chris Wright

Someone out there still believes...

Video and song by Jim Daly (@jamesrmdaly) of JD's Football Songs, the very same bloke that bought the world 'The Phil Jones Gurns' song y'know, the one about him looking like a Georgian gargoyle?

The Belgian second division might not be the place that you expect to hear from on a regular basis, but their was a strange incident on Friday night during the game between Antwerp and Tubize, which Tubize eventually won 3-2. Manchester United loanee John Cofie (isn't that the bloke from the Green Mile?

There's not been a day gone by since his controversial sacking that OTP hasn't wondered what Mick McCarthy is up to. A man who shirked sassy scarves and manipulative mind games, Mick was a noble no-nonsense bloke for whom we have always held a candle. It's not a sexual thing, but admittedly we would feel nice [.

Moyes ...... never liked the fella. Reminds me of the chap who hangs around Harry Potter, or is it the little bloke who kept looking for his "precious" in Lord of the Rings? Either way, never liked the cut of his jib.

People say he does a wonderful job at Everton, citing the financial constraints, the shadow of his Stanley Park neighbours etc etc but Howard Kendall had the same constraints and he did OK, but then he was a proper manager.

Moyes ...... never liked the fella. Reminds me of the chap who hangs around Harry Potter, or is it the little bloke who kept looking for his "precious" in Lord of the Rings? Either way, never liked the cut of his jib.

People say he does a wonderful job at Everton, citing the financial constraints, the shadow of his Stanley Park neighbours etc etc but Howard Kendall had the same constraints and he did OK, but then he was a proper manager.

It seems Arsene Wenger will indeed take the Arsenal to Nigeria this summer after it was announced that the Gunners will face a team who go by the name of Dolphins.

They are the Nigeria champions and it is being reported that they have become the first team to confirm a fixture with Arsenal when the English Premier League club visits the country on their summer tour.

Some bitch must have twisted Harry Redknapp's melon because he seems to be cracking right up.
Having pops at Chezza. Blaming his taxes on his poor dog Rosie, who has never done anything wrong as far as I am aware. And now losing three games in a row has got to him.
I understand it must be hard for him to look in the mirror, what with nearly getting his dog banged up and his ugly baggy face staring back, but he is losing it.

OTP can only assume that this bloke had suffered some sort of trauma in his personal life over the last few days, because bawling your eyes out at being 1-0 down to Swansea with six minutes to play seems a bit over the top.

Firstly, *boilk*

Secondly, there was a bloke in the bar we were in last night who looked exactly like the villain from every film ever but most especially like the other bloke from the Karate Kid who kicked his legs that time. He was tall and overly blond with his shirt open too much and he laughed exaggeratedly.

As a nod of thanks to the gentleman who fixed up a potentially lethal laptop/TV interface in the office so we could watch the Arsenal game yesterday, we would like to show our love to technology savvy men. Without them, our world would be a barren and confusing place, where dial up internet access was considered the norm, tablets would be something we took for a hangover vs.

So, yesterday completed what was an ideal weekend for us. To add to Chelsea's defeat and our win over Liverpool, Newcastle dropped points at Sunderland while Alan Pardew demonstrated again that he is one of the most ignorant, classless, blustering buffoons ever to manage a football team and has a face that even a mother would love to punch repeatedly.

There's a bloke named Winston who arguably has the "best job in the world" if you're an Arsenal fan. For the love of Redknapp, who the hell is Winston, you ask? He works exclusively in Arsenal's dressing room at the Emirates stadium, sits in the empty cubicle at the far left (unoccupied by players) on match-day and ensures that the operations run smoothly.

Rangers fans have expressed their concern for the future of the club after mystery administrators Duff and Phelps were outed by OTP. At a press conference yesterday a bloke named as 'Paul Clark' read out a statement on behalf of the administrator. But we can now reveal that was just a front and the true [.

Arsenal traveled north to face a Sunderland club that has seen a resurgence since installing Martin O'Neil as their manager and it took a two late goal by impact substitutes to come away with the three points. Keep reading for all the glorious heart-stopping action.

Arsene Wenger chose to start the same squad that demolished Blackburn last week with the exception of Francis Coquelin as Bacary Sagna was drafted in for his 2nd start since his broken leg.

As you people know, I have been right behind AVB as our manager. I have said that it's a hard job trying to regenerate this team and build something new. We have heard the saying a team in transition alot this season but you need a base to build from and that base has to be a good team. As it proved today Chelsea are NOT a good team.

1. The Fantasy Cup- For the first time ever, my fantasy football team is on a cup run, beating some poor, helpless bloke to reach the Fantasy Cup eighth round. Just to put that in perspective, I still have to ...
This is a content summary. Visit http://www.epltalk.com to read the entire article

1. The Fantasy Cup- For the first time ever, my fantasy football team is on a cup run, beating some poor, helpless bloke to reach the Fantasy Cup eighth round. Just to put that in perspective, I still have to ...
This is a content summary. Visit http://www.epltalk.com to read the entire article

Viteslea Lavicka is leaving!
Well is he leaving or was he dumped? Guess it doesn't matter.
Has a manager in Australia, in Sydney, ever been given such an easy ride.
The media in Australia all write and tweet about the guy being a lovely bloke but what about his coaching, how will he remembered?

It happens to the best of us.

Well, not us personally, but it does occur nonetheless.

The gradual decline of attractiveness is a peculiar one, and we have to admit we've felt it happening to one of our former beloved 'ballers, Wayne Bridge.

Sure, his career has been nothing short of sinking ship, playing for three teams in as many years since parting ways with Chelsea FC.

John Terry has today been stripped of the England captaincy for a second time following allegations of racism.

Terry allegedly called Anton Ferdinand a "black cunt" in Chelsea's defeat against QPR. In last weekend's Cup game between the two clubs the FA scrapped the traditional handshake ahead of kick-off after it became apparent that the QPR players would snub Terry in support of Ferdinand.

On the post! We're not sure what his cause is yet, but this bloke has handcuffed himself to a goalpost at Goodison Park! Update: The game was held up for 4mins before police and the stewards manage to lead the man away. We're still none the wiser what he was protesting about. The best theory [...]

Now we're going after another kid? Lord knows what you're doing Andre. Lord knows. More, after the jump:

Trick love tha kids

Right. His name is Patrick Bamford. He's 18 years old, and at present, logged a whopping 12 career minutes for the first team at Nottingham Forest.

A Wii exaggeration Harry Redknapp's tex evasion trial heard yesterday that the Tottenham manager is hopeless when it comes to technology. The court was played police recordings of Redknapp saying: "I can't work a computer, I don't know what an email is, I can't, I have never sent a fax and I've never even sent [.

Welcome to "The Gents" with Stan Bentley - The Yorkies' regular advice column for our valued readers. Bring your modern day problems and have them answered by the most valued voice - a 1950's journeyman footballer. "Back of the net!"
　
Dear Stan,
I didn't have much contact with my father growing up but now, as an adult, I have the opportunity to rekindle my relationship with him.

I read a comment made by Carlo Ancelotti yesterday about possible transfer targets and when Fernando Torres' name came up I immediately thought bollocks!. I thought straight away that the press would make his comments out to be something that they aren't and when I woke up this morning I was proved right.

Being realistic the FA Cup is the last throw of the dice for Arsenal to win silverware this season.
We have as much chance of winning the league as Frank Lampard trying Diet Coke, are out of the pint of Carling Cup and the way Barcelona are playing UEFA may as well hand them the Champions League trophy now.

Click here to view the embedded video.

We weren't sure whether we could love Timmy Howard any more. Just to recap, we know that he looks like this naked and is clearly an 'all-round top bloke' if our recent convo with him was anything to go by. But his response to scoring a wind-assisted wonder goal vs.

This is the exact pose Sergio Aguero makes on the way to the Manchester Market every Sunday for tea and biscuits! Can't blame the bloke, he's really enjoying life at the club.

We know you Scousers aren't entirely happy about losing 3-0 to Mancini's Men last night, but that's how football is.

"I wonder what Wenger will blame this time?" Those were the words of a clearly delighted Fulham fan to his mate on the bus to Clapham Junction after the late winner denied us at Craven Cottage last night.

After all,it struck me that, despite Djourou's sending off we were, to use a Wenger word, inefficient in front of goal in the first half and then went to sleep at the death when Zamora hit the winner.