Well hello there.

I see you've caught a young Berba presenting you with a Christmas gift. I painted it myself using condiment packets I stole from the local McDonald's and crayons my cousin Timitar once had stuck up his nose.

As you can see, it depicts me, The Berba, atop a powerful stallion as it stomps on a bearded fellow pretending to be Santa Claus.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me in a bad mood. It's actually not so much because Manchester United, the team you should be impressed to hear that I play for, lost to Aston Villa on Saturday, but more because I am outside in the cold. Training. When I could be in a monkey scented bubble bath with a beautiful Berba-babe like you.

A day in which everything went according to plan for the Manchester clubs, even if it didn't, really. United beat West Ham 4-0 at Upton Park despite their severe defensive injury crisis and City survived an early own goal and a second half penalty to turn over Chelsea at Eastlands.

Manchester United the walking wounded

For Manchester United, the big story out of today's 4-0 win away at Upton Park wasn't the efficiency of the win or the hope amongst United faithful that Gibson is the real deal, but the fact that United now have their whole defence injured first choice or second choice.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught the Bulgarian Man of the Year 2009 holding a sword. Yes, I, The Berba, have been named Bulgarian Man of the Year for 2009. And because of that, I am holding a sword. Ha-HA! This is all very erotic news, isn't it? ... Please stop saying "no." ..

So as we are about to enter the joys of Christmas, its been an eventful past seven days: Michael Owen scores a brilliant hat-trick on German soil and then gets dropped; The club was left stranded with just one fit defender; We then go and send our collective gold, frankincense and myrrh to Chelsea in the form of a loss to Villa; and it all ends with the feverish speculation of a Far East consortium buying out our ever popular American owners and Ryan Giggs being crowned BBC Sports Personality of the Year.

We were too distracted by his excellent tuxedo last week to comment on the hair, but it was duly noted.

We know you saw it too: Dimitar Berbatov kicked the Count Chocula to the kerb. Perhaps he read our post on hairbands and 'ballers. Perhaps he grew tired of the constant widow's peak references.

We were too distracted by his excellent tuxedo last week to comment on the hair, but it was duly noted.

We know you saw it too: Dimitar Berbatov kicked the Count Chocula to the kerb. Perhaps he read our post on hairbands and 'ballers. Perhaps he grew tired of the constant widow's peak references.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me scratching my forehead. Does this turn you on? Does my poor posture and excessively long sleeves make you want a hot slice of The Berba to savor and enjoy? ... Yes, I know Manchester United lost 3-0 to Fulham over the weekend. You really didn't have to remind me of that.