It's Monday, which means it's time for your Premiership Party! Maybe you'd be hopping a little higher on the streets today if you were a Swansea futbolita (pass the bread kindly now, love) but what's football if there are no upsets involved?

The Beckhams will not be setting up their French court much to the chagrin of Paris society.

The French elites had been predicting which side of the Seine the Court of Beckham would be established. Existentialists in cafes debated whether this important choice would determine whether he played in left or right midfield for Paris St.

We all talk about New Year's resolutions. You know what I say about them: view ‘em as "guidelines" more than "rules" and you'll live a far more guilt-free year. So that's that.

But I'd like to start out 2012 with another kind of "resolution." As in, I'd love to see some quick resolutions to vexing issues in the domestic game.

Cassius Barton and the weirdest football players' baby names

Joey Barton has caused eye-rolling at the registrar's office by naming his baby son Cassius. It's a tribute from the boxing fan to legend Muhammad Ali, who was born Cassius Clay, and hey it's better than calling him Ashley, Nietschze, Cigar or McDonald.

As you think about David Beckham – Will he? Won't he? Where did his love for us go? – and whether he'll keep the Good Ship Becks docked in Don Garber Harbor, let's talk quickly about shifting values and diminishing returns.

In a way, Beckham and the attached regiments of Brand Beckham are no different than any other goods, like a camera, a coffee maker or those awful and gaudy Christmas sweaters.

We're in the holiday spirit here at the Free Beer Movement. For us, it means more time off, a return to the FBM motherland (Wisconsin), and a chance to try all sorts of tasty Midwest brews.
That doesn't mean we've jumped away from our soccer minds, though. Our little ditty covers some of the biggest American soccer stories of 2011 and a few hopes for 2012 and you may recall the ditty as "The Twelve Days of Christmas".

Long before Sara Carbonero... there was Mamen Sanz! She's the equivalent of Victoria Beckham when it comes to the Spanish Mega Wag status (eye-rolls all across the town again, we see) but there's a lot more to her than meets the eye. Raul has been linked to a high money-making move to Qatar next season, and the worried German press who want him to stay at Schalke, it seems has declared that his wife has the final say it all of this.

Carlo Ancelotti and his possible new mystery girlfriend in Venice. Image Credit: Repubblica.it.

- He's 52-years-old and hails from Italy, was unceremoniously sacked from Chelsea after winning the double and his personal life rivals a good daytime soap opera. But we still love us some Carlo Ancelotti, despite his new unidentified Jerry Hall look-alike-from-afar new gal pal that he was papped all around Venice with.

Every Wednesday, we feature some of the offbeat stories making their rounds in the football world. Today, read about the Beckhams as they prepare to move to Paris, Neymar's underwear ad & Kaka's adorable daughter!

Say what you will, but Victoria Beckham deserves a standing ovation for being able to parade in those Louboutins while she was pregnant at seven months!

Every Wednesday, we round up some of the funny and interesting stories from the world of football! Today, read about Neymar's love trials, Drogba's Oktoberfest & the Van der Vaarts.

Now now, don't be hatin' yet! We know many girls come to this site looking for Neymar and can't get enough of the Santos boy wonder.

The latest addition to Becks' luxury car collection is a custom Ferrari 612 Ascaglietti worth some $300,000 and bearing the number ‘7' logo, The Daily Mail found out.
The black shiny car was spotted in the driveway of the family's Malibu summer beach house, where the Beckhams went surfing over the weekend.

The latest addition to Becks' luxury car collection is a custom Ferrari 612 Ascaglietti worth some $300,000 and bearing the number ‘7' logo, The Daily Mail found out.
The black shiny car was spotted in the driveway of the family's Malibu summer beach house, where the Beckhams went surfing over the weekend.

David Beckham: Purveyor of affordable pants for the masses. Images via Getty

The Beckhams and luxury go together like vodka and ice cubes so you can imagine our delighted surprise at the announcement that David Beckham's new range of bodywear will be sold exclusively at H&M. Yes, the same H&M that you pop into on a Friday night because you need a dress for your night out that doesn't cost as much as a mortgage payment and that you can spill all manner of substances on and really not give a toss.

Image Credit: David Livingston/Getty Images North America.

I am so proud and excited to announce the birth of our daughter Harper Seven Beckham. She weighed a healthy 7lbs 10oz and arrived at 7.55 this morning, here in LA. Victoria is doing really well and her brothers are delighted to have a baby sister xx.

Harper Seven Beckham and 10 bizarre football players' baby names

David Beckham has caused eye-rolling at the registrar's office once again by naming his newborn daughter Harper Seven. But why did he and Victoria do it? And is it the weirdest footballer's baby name ever?

Laid back daddy Francesco took his mini-me and wifey to see the ATP-WTA Rome Open tennis tourney yesterday. Image Credit: ALBERTO PIZZOLI/AFP/Getty Images.

Oh dear. This picture of heartbreaker-in-the-making Cristian Totti does not bode well for the current holder of the 'coolest footy kid' crown, Cruz Beckham.

Wow, I'm getting called out by name a lot these days.
Okay, fine - David Beckham came back in time to play against Dallas. I thought he wouldn't, and he did. Thanks.
Now, if you take that in a vacuum, Beckham did a Good Thing. However, the only reason he made such an effort to be back was because for several years now, he's made no effort for the Galaxy.

David Beckham, in furtherance of his "anywhere but here" approach to his responsibilities to MLS and the L.A. Galaxy, chose to attend the royal wedding on Friday in lieu of being with his team. According to published reports, the jet lagged Beckham does intend to be at the Galaxy game in Dallas the very next day.

In the MLS, teams like to maintain an expectation. See LA Galaxy or Red Bull New York and take in the flash and starpower — watch the Colorado Rapids and you'll witness tough, no nonsense soccer. Most clubs have a brand, a style — something you can count on seeing night in and night out.

Heading into the 2011 MLS season, prognosticators, supporters and casual fans had no idea what to expect from FC Dallas and the Chicago Fire.

The Beckhams are having a girl. Iker Casillas is giving unruly bedhead a run for its money. Jack Rodwell's mobile should be searching for sanitiser. This weekend's gossip lacked clear direction, but made amends with Olaya Villa's first steps forward.

Saturday

- In case you missed our weekend Retweet, David Beckham told folks at an L.

Image: Alex Livesey/Getty Images Europe.

As you're probably aware, the daft minds behind this site's scenes are largely responsible for expanding the bitchtastic facial options available to footballers, heavily researching the paradigm shifts in short tents and examining what manbags mean to their men (as well as unearthing the content Cristiano carries around).

Arsene Wenger has sung the praises of Gary Neville after the announcement of his retirement yesterday, claiming that his motivation sets him apart from others and that players should look to him as a example for what they can achieve.

"A huge career and fantastic achievements, that is what he has done," said Wenger.

David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child on next summer. The couple's three sons, Brooklyn, 11, Romeo, 8, and Cruz, 5, were said to be 'very excited' at the prospect of a new brother or sister.
The Beckhams have previously spoken of their keenness to add to their family and it is thought both are keen to add a girl to their brood.