By Herman Miller

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There are swirling rumours of a Larissa Riquelme sex tape on the internet, in which the Paraguayan skank makes the two-backed beast it with an unnamed Peruvian player in a hotel room in Miraflores.

By Ollie Irish

Beauty Skanky and the Beast

Jenny Thompson, the woman who claims to have turned tricks for Wayne Rooney behind Coleen's pregnant back (can you have a pregnant back?), doesn't always charge for sex, apparently. Oh.

Her 'friend' (with friends like these etc.

So after a few weeks of doing this mock draft it is time for the fifth and final one. Weeks of speculation have come to this as tomorrow the league will hold its annual draft. I've gone back and forth for weeks over how teams will pick tomorrow and there is a chance I may be right about a few of them.

Mike Stobe - Getty Images for New York Red Bu

If Thierry Henry can help Red Bull win, you'll get more of these: fans. And more of these is what MLS needs, particularly in the nation's most important media market.

As I was going to dig to see what I could find out about Landon Donovan's loan to Everton I read something interesting. What would you say Landon Donovan's weakness is?

Donovan has been a beast for the United States throughout his career. He's set records and won numerous awards. His MLS career isn't too shabby either.

Spotted at Fashion Beast

Corinthians celebrates the century mark as of September 1st, 2010. As one of Brazil's most storied teams, the club boasts over 30 million fans, a legion that trumps the likes of many well-established footballing countries. THIS VIDEO IS SICK!

George Frey - Getty Images

Even the big coaching brains around MLS have sometimes found it difficult to properly dissect the chaos of league matches. BUT ... it's getting easier.

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I'll never forget a conversation I had with former L.

I might not have been at practice yesterday, but I have a few updates from Wednesday's training session thanks to the email report of a faithful reader who attended the session. Here we go...

John tearing it up --

Apparently, it hasn't taken trialist Collins John long to get acclimated to the Fire.

Just saw this on the WV Hooligan blog that Dynamo just traded to get the rights to Adrian Serioux. (And click here for the Toronto Sun's story on the deal.)
Personally, I think this is a great move as it really shores up the Route 1 defense while Geoff Cameron finds his footing in the CAM role.

Well, after searching long and hard for the past 15 years, we think we've finally found it. Yes, we are talking about The World's Largest Penalty Spot. We discovered what we previously thought was a mythical, elusive beast today at the U.S. training session. You can see just how big it is as compared to the 5-foot-11 U.

As compiled from our list of footballers on Twitter, here are our favourite tweets from the past week courtesy of the professionals we love to follow. And of course, you can follow us @afootballreport

@MauriceEdu, Rangers & United States: 2nd Preseason Game of this tournament 2nite vs Sydney FC!

Will Arshavin silence the Kop again?

In a way, it feels like the first day back at school after a really long summer holiday. The boys have got their shiny new uniforms. The school playground has had improvement works carried out on it over the break (though in our case the process has been named "Arsenalisation").

Serious football chops from both players.

Rafa Nadal was a football player before he turned to tennis and his uncle Miguel Ángel Nadal nicknamed The Beast played for both Real Mallorca and Barca. He also represented Spain earning 62 caps. So there is a lineage of football behind tennis's numero uno.

By Ollie Irish

A man's man's man, was Big Mig. He earned the nickname 'The Beast' mostly because he was just a big old unit with a huge head. But he was much, much more than just a hatchet man the boy could play. After all, you don't spend almost a decade in Barcelona's first team if you don't know what to do with a football.

adidas Basketball se pone rápido para la temporada NBA con los primeros calzados deportivos personalizados para Derrick Rose y Dwight Howard
Los nuevos calzados deportivos para Basketball "Rose" y "The Beast" son respaldados por la campaña "Fast Don't Lie" protagonizada por Rose, Howard y el actor Ken Jeong .

Not too bad a weekend for the Gunners. We wrapped up three points at Goodison Park, and Chelsea lost at home to Sunderland, bringing us within 2 points of the leaders. If you missed our match, here are the MOTD highlights:

We were on the ropes a bit near the end, but all in all a decent performance and a big win.

They weren't brilliant, they weren't terribly difficult, and he did get a helping hand from the normally dependable Igor Akinfeev, but these are the first two goals in his eighth game for a young boy who's going to score loads before his career is over.

The first will require a team of scientists to explain how it snuck back through to the center of the box which is of no matter to Romelu, who's clearly chuffed.

Exclusive photographic evidence of Ryan Shawcross making his way to the Emirates stadium has found its way to me this morning. This scoop comes courtesy of the large party of security staff who are travelling with this rare primitive northern beast in order to protect his delicate and innocent frame from those nasty neanderthal Arsenal supporters.

What does 2010 hold for American soccer? At this point, there are far more questions than answers, highlighted by the past month's focus on players in search of greener pastures and leagues in crisis.

USSF has solved the second division problem by paging Dr. Frankenstein and constructing a two-headed beast to keep the lawyers at bay (for now).

Our Big Phil wants out, we all know that, and rumours are still around that David Moyes wants him at Everton and need another top notch defender to be there in case TV or Gallas get injured. I know we have Silvestre and Big Sol but if either Gallas or Vermaelen suffered a long term injury would they have the legs to play every two or three days?

I am not a happy bunny. I had this blog written and was just about to proof it before posting when I lost the whole fucking thing. It was a lot more vicious than what follows, so after reading you can imagine what you missed out on.

Two-nil yesterday was a very nice result, thank you very much, and it was mostly down to the genius that is our Captain Fantastique.

Welcome once more to my World of Zoos, I am Stuart Hall, and I knew your mother quite well in the 1970s. Due to the so called credit crunch I am loathed to report that I haven't been jetted off to far flung lands, rich in biodiversity and exotic cocktails. I do like a cocktail. But I digress.

Manchester United emphatically dumped Arsenal out of the title race after clinically dispatching the home side in a 3-1 game that saw Nani finally show why he deserves to stay at Old Trafford after all these years.

The two sides were evenly matched in chances in an end to end game, but where Arsenal had no way to breach United's defences (Rafael, Brown, Evans and Evra were excellent), United had Nani slice through the Arsenal defence with impunity in the first half to score one and create another before a sweeping counter-attacking move early in the second half led to a rare Park goal and the end of the game.

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Hoorah, The Champions League is back this week and you don't need me to tell you we are off to sunny Portugal to face Porto.

Porto, once managed by the old git Jose Moanrinho and once winners of this completion having got one over Old Red Nose on the way, but Porto aren't going to have the same joy against this English side.

At the risk of setting light to my own funeral pyre a few years too early, I will (perhaps stupidly) stick my neck above the parapet again.As 1979 posted in the week, an Arsenal first XI would be a very different looking beast to the team that played against Porto and Sunderland. However, I am not aware of Arsenal putting out the "first XI" at any stage over recent years.

Ducky's Note: In a midly free period for cub football, BigFourZa brings to you a note on the dark horses to watch out for in the World Cup from our latest partners, BetUs. So if you'd like to make your awesome footballing knowledge work for you, and put your money where your mouth is, you know where to go.

A McCarthy goal line clearance, a shuddering Stanislas free kick against the crossbar, a stoppage time Mido header against the post, a Scott Parker save by the Beast and a disallowed Cole goal. Hammer fans will rue their team's luck when they look back at this match. However, West Ham fans must be sick to the stomach watching the many times that poor defending has undermine the Irons season.

Dirk Kuyt scored the winning goal, Javier Mascherano was a beast, Daniel Agger re-introduced himself to the footballing world, and Steven Gerrard was, well, Stevie-G, but the player who I thought put in the most important performance today was Maxi Rodriguez. If Liverpool are to finish in the top four, it's clear they are going to need a creative spark from somewhere and Maxi showed against Everton he's more than capable of filling that role.

I've been saying this for a while, FC Dallas needs to get more involved with other professional teams in the area. Yesterday they were able to do just that as Dallas Cowboys tight end Martellus Bennett came to visit the club up in Frisco. The club taped the experience of the big guy at practice for all to see.

We all know how England tend to do on penalties. For some reason, some mind block, we have huge issues overcoming them. But thanks to Burnley's Graeme Alexander, we could have a whole new beast on our hands. Before we get any further into this, take a look at the highlights of Burnley's win against Hull this weekend, with special attention to the penalties at 1:20 and 2:21.

-----------------One block east of Lower Expectations

There can be no one reading this anywhere near the City of Toronto who can still truly believe that Toronto FC's owners, Maple Leaf Sports & Entertainment, are really concerned about building a winner. If you are one of those disillusioned oddballs: stop reading this immediately, wash your brain out with soap and run, don't walk, to your nearest mental facility.

Van der Sar 8 Didn't have much to do in fairness, but produced two world class saves when it mattered. The mark of any great goalkeeper is staying alert even when you're rarely called upon and he did that to great effect today to keep a clean sheet.

Neville 7 Kept his flank relatively free of danger and got forward whenever he could to support Valencia.

In case it's not obvious, I'm really stretching for anything worth posting.

And almost disappointingly, the first news I read of the day is something that completely contradicts the narrative of "all Liverpool news is bad news." Martin Skrtel, who's been out since Liverpool's trip to Bucharest in late February, has returned to full training with the squad.

A man wrote an MLS blog
But he slept through Sunday like a log
Then Monday it came
And he thought in his brain
I'll write something or I'll sure be flogged.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a look at week six. Limerick style.
Columbus 1, Seattle 1:
In Seattle, the Crew came to play
And the first half went Green all the way
But Columbus had luck
And then Lenhart, he struck
Two points had been stolen that day

LA Galaxy 3- Philadelphia Union 1:
The Galaxy, hot as can be
Even if they're without 23
They rolled past the Union
Whose schedules been grueling
Plus Galaxy's offence is key

Colorado Rapids 0, San Jose 1:
Wondolowski was really a shock
With 32 up on the clock
Though he once was thought crappy
He made the Quakes happy
Without their boy Ike in his spot

Real Salt Lake 2, Toronto FC 1:
Though Toronto's late rally was great
Their attendance was low at the gate
Salt Lake had control
Though they let up one goal
And Williams and Beckerman?

What a frustrating evening at Red Bull Arena! In a game where the Red Bulls dominated possession, created numerous scoring chances, got a goal from rookie Tony Tchani, and hit three posts, it was the under-manned and Schelottoless Crew who walked away with all three points thanks to egregious defensive miscues by Mike Petke and Tim Ream.

photo credit: michale

The Pick: Ronalidhino is one of the world's most famous soccer players. People know him for his stylish play, which has resulted in a World Cup win (2002). People know him for his nose for the net, which is evidenced by his +30 goals for Brazil and +120 goals for pro clubs (mostly Barca and Milan).

I think it's safe to say that Juan Pablo Angel's sublime free kick in the 4th minute of second half extra time must now rank as the signature moment so far at Red Bull Arena. Joel Lindpere's strike in the opening match against Santos will live in the memory, of course, but it was a meaningless goal in the larger scheme of things.

You, my dear friend, are being begrudged your passion. While you were doing your psychic beast to will the United States to a victory on Saturday, while you reveled in the match-ups of Sunday, and...

Your chance to win a very addictive football computer game that you can play as you wait for interminable gap between the matches to pass!

OK this is the easy way for you guys to get free access to the online football game that we have been playing in the COS offices for far far too long.

The U.S. team departed its base camp outside of Pretoria this morning around 11 a.m. and made the easy two-hour drive back to the Bakubung Lodge, which sits in the Pilanesburg National Park. It's the same hotel where the USA stayed during its victory over Egypt at last summer's Confederations Cup and for its 1-1 tie with England in the first match of this World Cup.