Yacht in Porto Rotondo, Sardinia? Check. Neatly trimmed beard, greased down hair and sharply defined guns of an international playboy? Check. Bored stare into the middle distance as gorgeous blonde girlfriend smothers one with overly demonstrative expressions of love? Check. Alex Pato, you have everything an elite player needs to enjoy his pre-season break.

By Chris Wright

Pies says:

"Basically Gary, you just have to find yourself £30k and an overly hairy donor - I found young Andy here on the internet. They just ripped the follicles right out of his Lord of the Rings beard and sewed it onto my scalp, I look like Carlos Valderrama under this hat.

Just got a little bit longer.

Courtesy of Matthias Holst, a central defender, who is currently playing for Hansa Rostock in the 2. Bundesliga. Or rather, he is not playing but under contract otherwise his beard would be gone. Matthias Holst has made it a habit to grow a beard whenever he got injured and/or didn't play for his club.

Zlatan, if you think that simply removing your shirt will distract us to the point where we won't give you a hard time about you exciting new moustache/beard/ponytail combo, you are totally... er... right. And that's before we even mention the activity in your shorts. Image: AP Photo/Daylife

"Well, I can hear something rattling when you move your head..." Image: Claudio Villa/Getty Images Europe.

The search continues for the neuron that causes Daniele De Rossi to repeatedly remove his shorts during football matches. If it can be isolated by our team of undercover agents (represented by this nice gentleman with a ginger beard), we plan to introduce it to all players' brains.

For reasons I have yet to pinpoint, while in college I discovered an unabashed love for really, really bad movies. So bad they split your sides in half. One night during finals, instead of studying, I opted to watch a movie, which remains unnamed in my mental monologue, on TBN of a white Jesus with a stick-on beard in a tie-dyed robe walking around what the directors no doubt hoped would look

So our friends at Barca sent this cool video as part of the club's new campaign to foster "healthy eating habits". In it, Lionel Messi appears as a cross between the a 14-year-old version of himself and Tin Tin the detective. "I know that if I train and eat well, I will win the Ballon d'Or," he drawls lazily, clearly unaware they would be using this footage again 10 years later.

Forgive me, but I haven't watched Match of the Day for a few weeks. Imagine my surprise when I turned on the BBC's coverage of the Spain vs Scotland game during the week to find that Gary Lineker looked somehow different.
At first, I wasn't really sure what it was, and then - when I looked a bit more closely - I realised that there appeared to be something on his face.

By Chris Wright

Picture the scene: You're Iker Casillas, your beard is marvellous. Being the saint you are, you leave the house in good time to make it to training on time when a wild traffic jam appears on the motorway...

Being the diligent, honest soul you are, you take a photograph as proof of your vehicular malaise and send it to your manager as proof of your predicament, along with an apology for your imminent tardy arrival .

By Puck Bonjourno, Yanks and Yankettes. Guess whose back? Apologies for the two week layoff, but I have been out of the country generally kicking ass. That's right, Puck took his foul-mouthed, USMNT loving, beard growing self overseas to see what life is like in the land of meatballs and Cannoli. In truth, I was [.

A Supportive Saturday Afternoon - A short film by Eric and Jordan Beard

The texture of passion often lacks definition. However, when loyalty befriends sheer strength in numbers, clarity arises.

64,121 people showed up to Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, Massachusetts to see the United States Men's National Team play Spain on Saturday, June 4th.

Hang on a minute Kickettes is that Zlatan Ibrahimovic's beard that Porto striker Falcao has just retrieved from the ocean floor on Miami Beach?

Nope, Zlats still has his. Whew.

It must belong to Fabio Quagliarella then. He's been looking pretty clean shaven in that area lately.

"(Spain) is so hot right now." -- Mugatu, "Zoolander."Holders of the European Cup and World Cup. Winners this summer of both the U-19 and U-21 European championship. On top of that Barcelona are holders of the Champions League trophy.Seems like everyone associated with world soccer wants to grove a little soul patch, strap a balaclava around their necks, cultivate three days worth of beard

You're never going to sleep a night nightmare-free again. He's on "one of those dancing shows". This will likely not end well.

You could scoop the makeup off his face like ice cream. Though I don't know how makeup with a beard works.

I'll presume most women don't either.

Neatly trimmed beard and cheeky quiff? Deeply disturbing, apparently. Image: REUTERS/Jean-Philippe Arles/Daylife.

This might not seem like a particularly big deal, but Javier Pastore's habit of veering between visually appealing hair arrangements and sartorially challenging amateur topiary is upsetting some of of our staffers.

Video highlights and reaction

When Arsene Wenger spoke about the need to add consistency to our game, like most of you I thought about a sequence of results and performances which would win points for the football club. I'm pretty sure that he did too, looking to add to the midweek draw and the win against Swansea last weekend.

Guti, his girlfriend Romina Belluscio and 'exciting' new face fungus attended the Madrid premiere of 'Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol' last night. Images: Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images Europe, PacificCoastNews.com.

It isn't so much the actual growing of the beard that's bothering us here.

Croatian/ Tottenham footballer, Niko Kranjcar, was spotted looking worse for wear after leaving night club C London last night.

O-M-G Niko. Please have a seat. We need to chat.

You know we lurve you and every inch of your toned thighs and tousled hair.

But this macabre ensembe concerns us.

Becks and his beard were doing the rounds in Chigwell today he's taken a fitness test at Tottenham and is expected to train with Spurs until February. He's looking more fertile than usual, no?

Congratulations to the Sodium squad as they continued there NWCL play with a victory over rival OSSA Sunday. Late in the second half Eli Beard popped a 15 yard chip shop over the top of OSSA's outstanding keeper for what would prove to be the game winner! Nicely done! Up Next The Sodium ladies face WSM Havoc on 1/29 @ REC #2.

By Chris Wright

Blackpool boss Ian Holloway has revealed that he (personally) stands to make a tidy bit of money on any prospective deal for Charlie Adam, thanks to a cheeky little clause in his contract at Bloomfield Road.

Odin's beard! No wonder he's holding out for £12 million.

From a Welsh wine bar owner to Alan Cork's beard, via Gazza and Giggs genius, here are some of our favourite recollections.

Contributing Editor Graham Fox
Hey everyone, this weekend I'm out running races on trails, so instead of a full blown pretentious article on the meaning behind Thierry Henry's beard, I thought we'd just watch a few videos together.
Over at MLS' YouTube channel, they've been producing really great short documentaries about Real Salt Lake in the Champions League.

A man is who is facial hair is.... (Rollie Fingers, 1985)

A lot of press around the Jay DeMerit story and rightfully so. It's a beautiful tale as a Wisconsin soccer god and good guy grabs his knapsack and heads to Europe in search of a "football" career on the very island that birthed the game.

Yesterday was a nice day. We were able to put the painful memories of bad losses behind us with a perverse sort of poll-focused celebration while also harkening back to the glorious triumphs of Istanbul. We didn't pay much attention to any of the individuals involved in either category, because it was a time for condemnation and rejoice of the collective.

There's some big, convoluted marketing message that goes with this clip but I can't be assed to go along with it because Thierry Henry's beard looks so outlandishly, distractingy lush in the video still. Seriously, I haven't seen a beard so black, so luxurious since Barry White died.
I bet that s*** smells ridiculous too, like fine musk & fresh leather.

Morning all, welcome to the penultimate Friday of the off-season. This time next week we'll be all like 'Hurrah! Football's back tomorrow. Where are my lucky pants which aren't that lucky at all now that I come to think of it?!'

Despite it all and 'it all' being the all day, drip-drip torture of not signing anyone and the having the same arguments over and over again so many times that Paddy actually sat down I'm looking forward to it.

That thigh muscle is only ever going to distract us from your horror barnet for so long, Peter. Images: Getty Images/Zimbio.

Even though there are a few of us in the Kickette office who abuse peroxide frequently enough to warrant threats of service revocation from our hairdressers, we don't condone similar crimes by boys.

By Chris Wright

Paul Breitner: German box-to-box goliath of the 70′s and 80′s, World Cup winner, possessor of a long-range shot akin to amplified thunder, vocal socialist, 60-years young today and the once-proud owner of a full 360° of seamless Afro/beard hybrid head fuzz thus making him a bona fide Horror Hair legend.

We're back to discuss the week that was in MLS as the playoff chase heats up. We also cover listener e-mails and theorize about Ted's beard. On the phone this week, correspondents from Columbus, DC, Houston, Kansas City, Philadelphia, Salt Lake, San Jose, LA and Chivas USA. CSRN MEDIA PLAYER

Video highlights and reaction

When Arsene Wenger spoke about the need to add consistency to our game, like most of you I thought about a sequence of results and performances which would win points for the football club. I'm pretty sure that he did too, looking to add to the midweek draw and the win against Swansea last weekend.

We're back to discuss the week that was in MLS as the playoff chase heats up. We also cover listener e-mails and theorize about Ted's beard. On the phone this week, correspondents from Columbus, DC, Houston, Kansas City, Philadelphia, Salt Lake, San Jose, LA and Chivas USA. CSRN MEDIA PLAYER

By Chris Wright

Huzzah! Razor-merchants Braun have just announced that they have thrust a small fortune Jose Mourinho's way in return for him signing up as their new 'global brand ambassador' meaning that he'll now be gouging people's eyes out with the supreme confidence that having a face as smooth as Isaac Hayes singing a ballad about a baby's bottom tends to afford a man.

David De Gea's living the charmed life. He's young, talented, rich, playing for Manchester United and he seems to be skating by unscathed from criticism about that diabolical patch of facial hair which is surely a result of new signee hazing at Old Trafford. (It's the only logical explanation, really.

Newcastle United captain Fabricio Coloccini picked up his 2011 Player of the Year award from the Newcastle United Disabled Supporters Association last week. Fabricio Coloccini receiving his award from Chairman Gareth Beard Fabricio has been little short of a revelation in the Newcastle United shirt over the last two seasons, as Newcastle have fought their [.

By Chris Wright

This here is Tomas Fidra. He's a referee. He's also a card-carrying, paint-on-the-shirt, smells-like-a-tramp's-beard piss artist.

Indeed, Czech police were forced to breathalyse Fidra after he showed up to the regional match between Jestrabi Lhota and Tynec-nad-Labem 'smelling like a brewery' and 'unable to stand up straight' before duly sending off three players for no apparent reason and spending most of the match sprawling on the floor.

Here at the WNT Blog we admit we don't know nuthin' about dancin', but we thought that Hope Solo's Samba on last Monday on Dancing with the Stars was awfully impressive and perhaps her best performance of the competition. (Hey, apparently Hope Sambas better than she Rumbas). We do know that Maks' Werewolf/Wolverine beard was certainly a highlight as well.

By Chris Wright

What with him still carrying a fair bit of sway down Naples way, it wasn't particularly far-fetched that Diego Maradona should turn out for Napoli's Champions League tie with Bayern Munich in Bavaria t'other night.

So, when a gaggle of fans spotted Maradona milling around the beer halls of Munich before the game they understandably got a little excited and started swarming around him, hoping to get a photo of the diminutive Argentinian legend.

Frank Lampard, Christine Bleakley & Simon Le Bon at the video launch of Duran Duran's 'Girl Panic!' at The Savoy Hotel on November 8. Image: Dave Hogan/Getty Images Europe.

What's the most upsetting thing in this photo? Simon Le Bon's beard? The fact that he is no longer the lithe, happily hairsprayed creature some of us used to gawp at on Saturday morning TV?

Farewell then to Sócrates Brasileiro Sampaio de Souza Vieira de Oliveira. Better known throughout the world simply as Sócrates, captain of perhaps the best side not to win the World Cup. 60 caps and 20 goals for Brazil; drinker; smoker; political activist; humanitarian; surely one of the greatest, coolest players to grace the game.