By Chris Wright

In which Schalke 'keeper Manuel Neuer leans in for the kiss only to get slapped across the mush by a supporter presumably as a result of Neuer's reluctance to sign a new deal at the club as the squad make their way through Gelsenkirchen to show off the DFB Pokal trophy that they won on Saturday courtesy of the 5-0 whupping they doled out to second division Duisburg.

All characters and events in this piece even those based on real people – are entirely fictional. Obviously.

In the away team dressing room, Manchester United are toasting another victory.

Somebody on the Czech physio team is a just little too enamored with Christopher Nolan. Or maybe he loves Tim Burton. I vote for Tim Burton.

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

For those too young to remember, my caption is an homage to the original Batman film, directed by Burton and starring the greatest Dark Knight, Michael Keaton.

Somebody on the Czech physio team is a just little too enamored with Christopher Nolan. Or maybe he loves Tim Burton. I vote for Tim Burton.

Where does he get those wonderful toys?

For those too young to remember, my caption is an homage to the original Batman film, directed by Burton and starring the greatest Dark Knight, Michael Keaton.

Who needs Batman when we've got Robin! The Flying Dutchman once again scores the winning goal for Arsenal, and it was a very very special one today. Arsene Wenger was of course all smiles after the game and just had to sign Robin's praises for the umpteenth time this season. He said: "You [the media] [.

Bari are staring down the barrel of the Serie A rifle after becoming the latest victims of the Ezequiel Lavezzi and Edinson Cavani show. A goal in each half from Napoli's version of Batman and Robin was enough to ensure that Walter Mazzarri's men left Puglia with all three points to leave Bari cut adrift at the foot of the table.

Ajax loses against Spartak Moscow, Spartak loses 5-1 against Porto! From Portugal. The land of C Ronaldo.

PSV loses 4-1 against Benfica. From Portugal. With a killer goal in the dying seconds.

Twente starts wonderfully against Villareal but loses 5-1. Our competition leaders against the Spanish subtop.

I'll give you a second to let that headline sink in. It's strong, you can't deny that. Where one might take issue, though, is in the folly behind stumping up twenty-odd million pounds for a winger, when the last we heard was that dross would very much need to be shipped out before we could start thinking about players coming in the other direction.

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Right back at you Men. Now let's go get that kumbaya moment in Chester, Pa. and back here at Robertson next week.

Oh, and while I do seem to have the floor here. The Worldwide Leader put out their Top 10 MLS Goals of the season this past weekend from all games except the Dynamo win from Sunday night.

Holy Bratwursten Batman, the Zjermans are bitchslappin' us

We fooled them yet again!

Back in 1986, we played Germany ( West-Germany to be precise) in a friendly and we missed a couple of regulars ( Van Basten and Rijkaard weren't there) while Arnold Muhren and Erwin Koeman weren't selected yet.

Ads with footballers are typically cliched and formulaic. Valencia's Christmas video is anything but, opening as though we're about to embark on a Tim Burton film the soundtrack does wonders. Or maybe it's appropriately Batman's true underground lair.

And all simply to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.