By Chris Wright

Mere hours after some kind of sick swan ran amok at Old Trafford, a rather glum-looking Wayne Rooney celebrated his 26th birthday at Wings restaurant in Manchester with guests including friends, relatives, colleagues and several of the chaps that had just tarred and feathered his arse in the Manchester derby namely Joe Hart and Gareth Barry.

By WAG Watcher

Music producer Jimmy Iovine, fashion photographer Rafael Mazzucco and pap rapper Puff Diddly Doo-dah Daddy have collaborated to produce a new book, imaginatively titled 'CULO', which features 248 photographs in celebration of the female derriere one of which belongs to Cristiano Ronaldo's other half, Miss Irina Shayk.

Looks
like Irina Shayk's hot arse has scored the Sports Illustrated 2011
Swimsuit Issue cover. (Image via @grantwahl)

Regardless of what you may think of Cristiano Ronaldo's hot chick
'o the day, there's no denying this is a major coup for her and a
major inspiration for those of the toned and tanned who dream of
riding on the coattails of their rich, famous and well-gelled other
halves.

By Chris Wright

We literally have no clue as to what's going on here, but the clip shows a hot(ish), blonde Ecuadorian 'journalist' taking to the pitch after a game and attempting to get one of the players to sign her arse for her so we thought we'd share...

As you can see, the bemused player doesn't play ball but that doesn't stop our compelling protagonist from getting her backside out for the baying crowd behind the goal you'll go far honey.

Apologies for being two days behind a story once again but having given a great deal of time during the season, I am trying to balance it during the summer. And while I do let a lot of rumours and events go by without comment, this PR stunt from Alisher Usmanov is hard to ignore.

I don't want to repeat the comments as they've been all over the internet.

By Chris Wright

Of course, it's only 'half-time'. Yes, Arsenal have still got to face Barcelona on their own patch and, by jove, they'll only be taking a precarious one-goal advantage to the Camp Nou in a fortnight's time, but until then Cesc Fabregas and his minions can revel to their heart's content in having beaten the 'best side in football's history' at their own soddin' game.

Good morning, a whole pile of stuff to get through so no hanging around.

Arsene's pre West Brom press conference took place yesterday and there were a few talking points. He confirmed Johan Djourou would be out for 'at least' 6 weeks and also confirmed that Thomas Vermaelen would miss the rest of the season.

1. We would have taken any three points today. To get them on the back of a good performance and well worked goal is very nice. Everton were resilient and it was becoming a worry whether we'd be able to break them down, but we kept our nerve, passed the ball around well and were patient.
2. Chicharito, I love you.

Forget everything else, forget all the other scenario's and theories people on different websites are coming up with for me it's all about our tempo and shape that has caused Chelsea the problems we have had in recent weeks. I for one have become more and more frustrated with the way we are playing and the tempo of our play.

Midweek Arse to you all and it seems funny not to have a game. As far as I can make out the only time we've had seven days between games since the end of December was the week after the 4-4 against Newcastle when we played Wolves at home. Progress in various competitions, a number of times via replay, meant the schedule has been as hectic as it possibly could have been.

Robin Van Persie has compared Chelsea to Barcelona but not in a way any of us expected. RVP, speaking of his dismissal in the Nou Camp the other week which I think you will agree WAS harsh, but then again he should never have put himself in that position with his stupidity for the first booking he received, has had a pop at Barcelona's players for their conduct on the pitch.

Right! This has now gone too far!. If Fernando Torres ever wanted to have a look at something to give him that kick up the arse to prove the doubters wrong then he needs to have a look at this website http://hastorresscoredforchelsea.com/
With over 87,000 "Likes" on Facebook and 3,800 Retweets it's doing the rounds.

I think from the outside looking in and I am not being disrespectful in anyway here to him, It seemed that Carlo Ancelotti lacked the "edge to him" that John Terry speaks about when he talks of Guus Hiddink.
I think if there is one thing about Ancelotti that most of us agree on it would be the fact that you never saw him on that touchline when things weren't going our way, shouting at the players, giving them a kick up the backside to try and get them playing.

I wouldn't even wipe my arse with The Daily Star! by Peter Rooke There is report in the Daily Star this morning that is suggesting that Robin Van Persie is considering joining the exodus from Arsenal started by Nicklas Bentner and Denilson, and then (seemingly) followed up by Cesc Fabregas, Samir Nasri and Gael Clichy.

Written by Camberwell Gooner

Resumption of hostilities is just around the corner. Like the starving dog stumbling through the streets on his last legs in search of a morsel, we're starting to catch whiffs of steak wafting from a nearby kitchen, giving us renewed hope that we will actually make it to the new season before the municipal authorities bundle us in a van and drop us off at the city pound.

Football is back. I should be excited. But I'm not. And that's unusual. The impending football season for me is like the unwanted return of the Genital Herpes which you thought you had shaken off, only to return when you least expect it. This really shouldn't be how I feel.

The Championship is a few days away and is swiftly followed by the return of the Premiership season.

I went into a state of utter despondency at the end of this transfer window, even allowing for the entry into the Champions League stages failed to lift my spirits. The 8-2 thrashing by Manchester United rubbed salt into very big wounds. I took a break to reflect, the International Break helped in a sense, to enable common sense to dawn.

Branislav Ivanovic took centre stage with AVB in yesterdays pre match press conference ahead of our Champions League tie against Genk and spoke out about our performance on Saturday and the fact we have been shipping goals lately. Respect is due to Ivanovic as he pulled no punches. It could have been easy to let the manager do all the talking about Saturday and moving on but Ivanovic shed light on what happened in that dressing room after the game and since then.

There was something poignant about the moment, mid way through the second half, when Arsène Wenger made his first two substitutions.

Gervinho and Abou Diaby were bouncing on the touchline: primed, eager and ready while the fourth official fiddled with his number board.

Three yards away from them, on the pitch, a small Russian man was standing on his own, looking downcast and waiting for the inevitable appearance of the number 23 on the official's board.

By Chris Wright

After just pipping the first leg 1-0, Pep Guardiola covered his arse by naming an incredibly strong side in the return leg against Hospitalet at the Camp Nou last night and it payed off, with Barcelona crushing the third-tier outfit thanks to goals from Pedro, Andres Iniesta, Xavi and braces from three players aged just 20: Isaac Cuenca, Thiago Alcantara and substitute Cristian Tello.

Image: Google.hr.

We gotta hand it to the 6'4, silky jet-black haired Croatian man candy: Tottenham's Vedran Ćorluka finally kicked the drunk-off-her-arse-in-public bird to the kerb.

Ćorluka's ex-girlfriend, Iva Buzov, moved out of their London flat and high-tailed it back to Zagreb two months ago.

Spurs versus Manchester United remains one of the classic encounters in any season. Lacking the blood and thunder of London derbies against L'arse or Chelsea, nevertheless the tension is palpable and the air crackles with excitement and energy in the early exchanges. On such days, matches are won or lost in fleeting moments, where the [.

By Chris Wright

In April of last year, Liverpool 'keeper Pepe Reina signed an eyebrow-raisingly mammoth six-year contract at Anfield and, despite all the periodic speculation of a summer move elsewhere, the Spaniard has vowed to honour the deal with one simple caveat.

Ashley Cole, the man everyone loves to hate. The boo boy of Arsenal fans and England fans in general. The best left back in Europe, as any Chelsea fan will tell you.

Delivering a kick up the arse...

A few days ago, UEFA released their 2010 Team of the Year.

I missed the first half an hour of last night's game, scurrying back from football of my own to catch up via Tom's live blogging. At half-time and 0-0, with things not quite clicking I have to admit I was a bit nervy. When we'd got to the hour mark with scoring I was doing my utmost to quash my inner DoomLord.

Finishing off our month of guest posts (excluding any late submissions!), Ben Williams of upper90magazine ponders Avram Grant's existence. 'Avram's Arse'. That's the phrase coined by the Israeli media to describe the luck of Avram Grant. A trail of good fortune seemed to follow him around Israel's 2006 undefeated World Cup Qualifying campaign, as though [.

Certain players in the Chelsea squad will wake up this morning and realise they have no choice but to raise their game from now until the end of the season. I think it's fair to say because of our lack of squad depth certain players had realised that they will be starting games each week as there wasn't any real threat to their place in the side.

The mighty St George also kick off the New South Wales Super League, which is one division below the NSW Premier League (they do things arse over tit down under) with an away game at the ludicrously named West Sydney Berries. Berries?
Their first home game is against Fraser Park at the St George Stadium next Sunday.

Wayne Rooney scored a goal that was worthy of winning any football game today, with an overhead kick on the volley which he fired in to the top corner, leaving Joe Hart rooted to the spot.

He's scored some great goals in his time at the club, like the volleys against Newcastle and Middlesbrough, as well as that chip against Pompey, but when asked if he thought this was the best of his career he replied: "I think so.

By Chris Wright

Arsenal whippersnapper Jack Wilshere has admitted that his side may have to embrace football's dark arts and be 'a bit nasty' if they are to upstage Barcelona in the Champions League on Wednesday night, after the Catalans well and truly spanked them (Barca won 6-3 on aggregate) at the quarter-final stage of last year's competition.

1. He may have been misfiring of late and he may not be in the best of form, but what a strike with which to answer your critics. There's no doubting it: David Silva's arse is back to his best. 2. Oh, Wayne Rooney's overhead kick wasn't too shabby either. 3. Harry Redknapp might take [...]

Yesterday when I was going through Goonernews, I came across a very interesting article on LeGrove. And needless to say, I was impressed with his initiative. We all have seen what Barca are capable of and that $hit that they performed after the World Cup is still fresh in my mind. I loathe Pique, Puyol & Pepe for that.

It doesn't get any bigger..

It is never easy for a neutral sports fan to watch two attractive teams or players go at it against each other in the early stages of a competition. For one, when a football team that's renowned for its attacking flair meets another considered past masters at the same art, then you know that there's every chance of a stalemate ensuing.

Dear Mr Hernandez,
Can I call you Xavi? Or, as Del Boy from Only Fools and Horses or Gypsies would say, can I call you Chavvy?
Let me begin by saying that I think you are a marvellous footballer. I love to watch players like yourself play the game. At times its like watching my mate Phil play Fifa 2003 on Playstation 2 and he was well good at that game.

Ducky's Note: On the back of some good ol' mud-slinging that has been going on at BigFourZa between the usual suspects (being Le Arse and The Devils), I will stealthily slip-in a guest post about why we do all the mud-slinging we do from Debjit Lahiri. Debjit is a Chelsea fan (yes, they still exist!

It's been an interesting couple of days for football, at least in Europe. Liverpool and Man City have both succefully played listless games at home and ended their 'who the heck cares' Thursday-night football misery. Well, City were not so listless but a brainless moment from 'wunderkind' Balotelli was enough to ensure that the tie ended right there for them.

Written by dandan

The football world has changed a great deal over the Premiership years, with the top clubs in particular becoming a corporate playground, yet I bet there are still many real fans out there, living as I did in Parallel universes attending games in corporate mode, both as guest and host.

1. After several players talking about making amends for Saturday's disappointment, we didn't see any real urgency until the last 15 minutes. We're still in the driving seat but a win last night would have put all the pressure on Arsenal and Chelsea today. Now they'll be galvanised, knowing they can get closer to us with a win tonight, and a game against United yet to play.

This week is the first time in really long that we have NOT had a midweek match of any import Citeh vs Stoke, the Manchester version obvisoulsy does not qualify as a 'match'. That's left our football energy levels dangerously low, without its usual midweek adrenalin boost. Even United-lite vs Schalke was fun, especially Anderson's massively-minimalistic, salsa-type, whatever-the-hell-that-was celebration.

Ledsgedreadytorumbuuuuuul!

North London Derby is the word coming from the frontline. That and ‘please send more Sudoku and gentlemen's literature as we're awfully bored out here.' Arsenal, then, come to The Lane on the back of another late-show surrender. On this occasion the show being so late in its coming there were folk in the bottom-right corner of the screen describing the action in sign-language.