By Ollie Irish

"Don't look at her arse, don't look at her arse, don't look at her arse, don't look at her arse..."

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Miss England, aka Lance Corporal Katrina Hodge, and former England football manager Graham Taylor launch the annual Royal British Legion Pedal to Paris bike ride, on a tandem bicycle, in London

DC United has a press conference scheduled for 1pm tomorrow, to announce Benny heart and Soul of DC United Olsen is coming out of retirement. After watching the team fall flat on their face last week in KC, Benny has decided to come out of retirement. We just need a spark to get back on the right track.

By Ollie Irish

I'd like to post up the final 23-man England squad in one article, but thanks to the shambolic FA, there's nowt but a painful drip drip drip of news and rumours. Just announce the bloody squad already!

Anyway, the biggest story so far, by far, is the news that Arsenal winger Theo Walcott is NOT on the plane to South Africa.

It is on the back of our Kit, on the collar. DC United the winners of twelve international and domestic trophies, four time winner of MLS cup. The once proud team from our nations capital. The team hasn't made the playoffs in two years. Now the team can't score against the bottom feeders. Two games, zero goals, six goals allowed.

The very first *boilk* of the new era. It had to be done. You know how it would have been. People would have been whispering 'Oh, it's been seven blogs since he's boilked, you know'.

Then the whispers would have turned into chatter about how a new puritanical Arseblog was the order of the day and I'd become a slave to advertisers and all that.

Current World Footballer of the Year, Lionel Messi has revealed he is Messi by name, Messi by nature. He also says how he doesn't like been flash and he is no better a person for what he has achieved than any other person, in his usual modest self.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Beninian trickster Sessegnon sticks Sporting Lisbon's Grimi on his arse with a couple of stepovers and then gets penalised! Go figure...

Is it the end of Fat Ronaldo's career... Caught Offside

Brazil's other darling Ronaldinho is battling the bulge by being put on his own fitness regime.

By Chris Wright

You know it's just not going to be your night when, after being made to sit through the truly woeful first half of Liverpool's 3-1 Europa League victory over Napoli, you suddenly get word from 'downstairs' that your £65,000 saloon has been besmirched by a horse's arse.

By WAG Watcher

Sexist new quiz alert!

Who lives in a peachy, perfectly formed arse like this? David, it's over to you...

Clue: She's dating a current football star.

By Ollie Irish

After Robbie Savage's memorable rant at a BBC Derby hack last week, he might have guessed that the Angry Gods of Journalism would come back to bite him on the arse, or whack him in the face...

Nice that Savage's co-commentator was so concerned about his colleague.

Players you hate to love, and love to hate. Hence Marmite players. Okay lets countdown...

10. Ashley Cole

The less said about him the better. However, he has proved to be a constant performer for Arsenal and Chelsea as well as England despite him leading a life that points to one word.

By Red Arse.

Here we are, at the beginning of a brand new season and Arsenal are already screwed!

What do you mean, you two-toed tosser? It's the beginning of the new season, isn't it? It's wonderful! It's fabulous! It's stupendously knee wobblingly fantastic for goodness sake!

Click here to view the embedded video.

We know. We just wrote about Mr. Gourcuff. But here's the thing(s):

1. The above video. 00:26 seconds for the money shot. Or, to be more specific, the zoom shot of his arse climbing into an airplane.

2. The screen caps from Yoann's medical with Lyon today.

Kickettes, are you sad to see Ms. Q. go, or are you secretly hoping the door slams her (perfectly toned) arse on the way out? Image from 25 August 2009, Zimbio.com.

Despite her knock-out bod and killer hair, Alberto Aquilani's other, better-looking half, Michela Quattrociocche, is not making herself any fast friends in Liverpool or Roma.

I'd love to say that I feel sorry for Emmanuel Adebayor but I just can't.
The man has completely and utterly fucked himself. His career at the moment is right in the balance and it appears that nobody wants him.
It seems Manchester City, his employers, do not want him and even that shlaaaaaag Harry Redknapp, who tries to turn all his clubs into mini-Arsenals, has turned a blind eye.

Life's seems peachy for Cheryl Cole. Just ask Coleen Rooney.

Spotted Monday at LAX, the still-married starlet was in a giddy mood despite the 'secret date' gossip news circulating. If you didn't hear, 'The Saturdays' singer Frankie denied yesterday's claims which accused her of discreetly seeing Cole's husband, Ashley.

Karim Benzema turned down the opportunity to play for Sir Alex Ferguson at Manchester United to complete a move to his "dream" club, Real Madrid.

He has recently been asked whether he regretted that decision, given his poor form and Madrid's early exit from the Champions League at the hands of his former club Lyon.

Well done Martin Taylor you big fucking sop.
I don't give a shit that Taylor was 'devastated' or 'didn't mean to hurt Eduardo' because he isn't 'that type of player'.
Talk is cheap.
The biggest fact is that lanky lump has single-handily ruined Eduardo's Arsenal career.

Click here to view the embedded video.

We know. We just wrote about Mr. Gourcuff. But here's the thing(s):

1. The above video. 00:26 seconds for the money shot. Or, to be more specific, the shot of his arse climbing into an airplane.

2. The shots from Yoann's medical with Lyon today.

When Kieran Gibbs limped off the pitch on Tuesday night I'm sure I'm not alone when I thought 'See you next season, young man'.

I expected every metatarsal in his foot to be shattered into a thousand tiny pieces, requiring many painful and complicated surgeries. Due to the stress and a quickly developed reliance on prescription painkillers I had visions of Gibbsy wallowing in a depressive mire, unable to play the game he loves, and resorting to bank robberies while off his face huffing glue just to get the high that football gave him.

By WAG Watcher

The latest round of our shamless picture quiz:

Who is lounging in the sun? Hmm.

Last week's arse:

It's Noemie Lenoir, on-off squeeze of Claude Makelele. Well in Jon, who was the first reader to get it right.

Ever wondered which football club is the greenest?
No?
OK.
But other than The Arse and ManUre being held to draws (by the skin of their teeth), there is little else to think about, is there?
So, which football club do you think is the greenest?
Well yes, obviously none at the moment, (they don't make 'em like they used to), but in an ecological sense.

Did we see a reaction to Leeds yesterday? I don't think so. I'm not one to buy in to the doom and gloom, so I'm not going to start now, but I wanted more from us against Birmingham.

After dominating possession during the first half, we should have been going 1-0 up at half time. Antonio Valencia, who put in another good performance, played in a beautiful ball to Wayne Rooney.

Arsenal, the cult of personality and the collective By Brian Baker Another week, another defeat, another round of Chicken Licken posturing from the Arse-blogosphere. I'm not going to dwell on the painful realities of the loss to Chelsea, here, but offer another long-term perspective of Arsenal's situation.

I have come to the conclusion that Stan Collymore is sexually attracted to Arsenal Football Club.
He continually digs Arsenal out and I can't think of any reason why he does it except that he fancies us.
Its a little bit like when you are a kid and you fancy the girl next door. Only every-time you see her you get embarrassed, so you act like a cunt, be really really mean and try to make her cry.

Arsenal 2 Barcelona 2
It was all about scoring the third goal of the game.
Because aside from Porto, all our big games this season had hinged on the third goal, one way or the other. Away to United and City, at 1-1 it was anybody's game. Much the same can be said of our trip to Anfield.

Finally the big kahuna is here! The match that will almost certainly decide the winner of the 2009/10 La Liga season. Our amigos at Heads or Tails say it's going to be a tough one to call. Sure both teams are kicking arse in their own respective ways with their own superstars, but how can [...]

JOHANNESBURG, 8 July 2010: Utter arse and everything that is wrong with modern football, Kia Joorabchian, has been accused by FIFA of putting this Sunday's World Cup final in jeopardy. FIFA delegates are now in crisis talks with Mr Joorabchian, after threats were received by the football advisor over the planned use of Sunday's match ball.

I may get this all wrong. Horribly wrong. More wrong than wrong itself but I'm hoping that the goalkeeping situation at Manchester City will benefit Arsenal.
Our former stopper Stuart Taylor has re-signed for Manchester City just 9 days after being released from them.
Of course at City Taylor is only a back-up keeper but the question is to whom?

By Ollie Irish

Spain play with their shiny new toy

In terms of viewing figures for Sunday's World Cup final, the BBC handed ITV its arse, with almost five times as many people choosing Gary Lineker over Adrian Chiles.

The BBC claimed its match audience average was 4.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Lord knows we don't feel like working today, so in the name of half-arsed news reportage, here's Fernando Torres getting jabbed (ironically in his whole arse) all in the name of glute training.

We're off to the job centre. We are more than qualified to poke Nando's butt cheeks for pay, thank you very much.

Live in the US on FSC at 11am ET.
Last four head-to-head:
0-1 Arsenal (a) 02.10.10
1-2 Arsenal (h) 12.13.09
1-2 Arsenal (a; League Cup) 10.28.09
4-4 (h) 04.21.09
Referee: Martin Atkinson
Guess at the line-up:
Reina
Johnson Carragher Agger Aurelio
Lucas Gerrard
Kuyt Cole Jovanovic
Ngog
Well, at least Liverpool begins its league campaign at home, for the first time since 2003-04.

Dez Corkhill has been covering football in South East Asia since long before I started this here drivel. I was still fretting over how the Arse did the night before and Dez was talking about the likes of BEC Tero and Tampines Rovers.
In a recent interview with Dale's Chonburi site he was asked who he felt was the biggest team in the region and surprisingly gave South China.

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LINKS!

Javier Mascherano agrees terms with Barcelona Guardian

Man City unveil new 'Welcome to Manchester' mural The Spoiler

TOP LINK Top 10 freak football injuries Mirror

FIFA assessors come to England to check out 2018 World Cup bid BBC

Guess that football WAG's arse Goaly Moly

Just f**king do it!

::: FistedAway today welcomes a guest post from Elliott, editor of the rather lovely Futfanatico ::: Never before have the parallel universes of entertainment, movies and sport, come so closely intertwined. After a dismal 0-0 draw with Mallorca last week, Florentino Perez was not amused by Mourinho's sombre post game press conference.

Much like the joys of discovering a vintage Chanel jacket at a car boot sale, coming across an old-arse but fine-ass photo of the delish Mr. Abidal is as good as it gets. Thanks Miss_Barca!

Who knew tennis balls are an effective weapon? Swiss television convinced the Swiss footballing powers to push the league game between Luzern and Basel up in order to show both the game and the Basel tennis tourney final featuring one of Basel FC's most famous fans, Roger Federer. You'd think the fans would be happy about this, but they weren't.

By WAG Watcher

Sexist new quiz alert!

Which WAG's butt are you staring intently at? No clue this week you're on your own. Answers in the usual place.

Last week's arse:

...

It's Zaira Nara, Argentine model and WAG of Uruguay goal machine/Sally Gunnell lookalike Diego Forlan.

Ok I admit that there may have been the odd time I have mocked fans of Singapore football and their lack of passion for either there club or national side but now I am delighted to have something positive to say about them.
When Agu Casmir scored Singapore's last gasp winner against Myanmar the camera panned to the crowd and showed two young fans wildly cheering and jumping up and down like idiots do when they have travelled far and secured a last minute victory.

By WAG Watcher

Sexist new quiz ahoy!

Whose beach booty?

Last week's arse

...

It's Melanie Slade, WAG of Arsenal's Theo Walcott. No one got that. Pies 1-0 You.