This is not quite friendly. Or perhaps a bit too friendly. It's actually quite disgusting, really, and there's no explanation needed.

The guess is that he's playing a trick on Mathieu Valbuena, who was to earn the prize of having to wear the shirt. Not quite sure double-checking for effectively transferring the smell of one's arse is necessary, however.

Patrice Evra's popularity in France has sunk either further after he was caught on camera wiping his arse with Mathieu Valbuena's shirt.

Paris magazine, Le 10 Sport, said: "It was disgusting! But this gesture shows above all a real lack of respect towards the blue of France and all that it stands for.

If you are one of the several thousand season ticket holders and waiting list "holders" that did not purchase tickets to the Reserve Team games, get your arse down to the Jelly tonight for the 7:30 pm match vs. LA Galaxy Reserves. If you're still holding on to anger from Wednesday night, let it go and know that many of the guys playing tonight were not on the pitch Wednesday night.

By Chris Wright

Turns out it wasn't a kebab skewer up the arse after all...

Via Unibet

By Alan Duffy

At last, with white Papal smoke billowing out of his arse, Lille's much coveted Belgian winger, Eden Hazard, has finally told the world who he'll be signing for and it's none other than Euro-conquerors Chelsea.

The 21-year-old wunderkind has been the centre of a tug of love with both Manchester clubs, Chelsea and god knows who else all making a play for Ligue 1′s star performer.

After my rant at the performance last night and the way certain people played, we will now finish outside the top four for the first time in a decade and we now have to think the unthinkable.
The two defeats to Newcastle and Liverpool have hurt us with dropped points at Arsenal and Fulham.

By Chris Wright

In which we see Didier Drogba acting his arse off, playing the waiting game at the end of former porn star Julia Channel's new music video for her trashy dance song 'Forever In A Day'.

As is usually the case when footballers have a crack at thespianism, to call Drogba's acting chops 'wooden' would be a tremendous insult to the timber trade (skip to 3:45).

By Chris Wright

In which we see Didier Drogba acting his arse off, playing the waiting game at the end of former porn star Julia Channel's new music video for her trashy dance song 'Forever In A Day'.

As is usually the case when footballers have a crack at thespianism, to call Drogba's acting chops 'wooden' would be a tremendous insult to the timber trade (skip to 3:45).

Two games, one point, one goal, third place – it may sound like a convoluted ‘Arry' catchphrase, but as we approach Important Finale Time that is the nutshell summary of our position, if you bend your neck and squint a bit. The usual hopes and concerns apply of course – a more clinical touch from Adebayor and VDV in front of goal; Bale and Lennon on their appropriate wings; Sandro to crunch anything that moves; and young Rose to retain possession at least once in every half-dozen touches.

I have written a post that went out a few hours ago stating that last night was the kick up the arse that Chelsea needed ahead of two big cup finals coming up because being honest, and I am sure I am not the only Chelsea fan in doing so, I got a little bit ahead of myself with our recent success in big games.

You can't blame us for getting ahead of ourselves or going over the top in recent weeks could you?. Beating Spurs at Wembley 5-1, Beating Barcelona over two legs with as you know, the second coming from TWO GOALS DOWN with just TEN MEN and then beating QPR 6-1 last weekend, it would be impossible for anyone to not get carried away!

Not really too much to write home about after today's match, but let's go over a few talking points:
* We started brightly and with a lot of purpose, so it was only natural that we conceded with Stoke's first shot on goal. We do this far too often, and it's almost become a bit comical how we don't make it hard enough for teams to score against us.

By Chris Wright

Brisbane Roar secured their second A-League title on the bounce on Sunday evening, though the manner in which they did so will make your mind swim as your synapses struggle to comprehend the weapons grade 'what the f**kity' on show.

With the score level at 1-1 and the last few seconds of normal time ebbing away, Brisbane striker Besart Berisha blustered through the Perth area to find himself clean through, swung his leg at a bobbling ball, missed entirely and then fell on his arse to cap off the show.

Morning all, a new week begins and begins with Arsenal looking to stretch their lead in third place to a healthy 8 points, despite the fact that T*ttenham will have a game in hand.

Starting with the team news and we've lost nobody since Wolves and there may be a couple of additions. Arsene says Gervinho is 80:20 to make the squad tonight while Kieran Gibbs is 50:50.

The behavior of Mario Balotelli is even for #FIFPro no longer acceptable. He desperately needs professional mental support.

- Theo van Seggelen (@theovanseggelen) April 10, 2012

The latest and greatest after Mario Balotelli's latest and greatest moment, seeing a red card end his Manchester City career.

By Chris Wright

In which, during what may or may not be an Iranian third division game, we're treated to your classic stretcher mishap, i.e, one of the chumps ferrying an injured player from the pitch trips and drops the poor crock in question on his arse.

Only, in another added bonus coating of FAIL, the butter-fingered stretcher-bearer rolls his ankle while stumbling and is left writhing on the dog shelf until a third physio comes to his aid and helps him limp back to the bench.

If today's game wasn't already important enough, yesterday's results provide even further motivation for Arsenal.

Sp*rs dropped two points away at Sunderland, one of their most difficult games in the run in, while Chelsea's late win against Wigan means they've closed the gap on us to 2 points.

Chelski 0 – 0 Spurs

Awfully puzzling game this one, as you no doubt recall. The first half of dedicated non-aggression was followed by Chelski probably edging things, only for our lot to carve out enough clear-cut chances to hand out a right thrashing. Alas, the conclusion to draw was that our lot to a man need to spend a full week engaged in nothing but shooting practice (or they could just stick Defoe on the pitch, and watch as some of those chances miraculously cause the net to bulge).

Some bitch must have twisted Harry Redknapp's melon because he seems to be cracking right up.
Having pops at Chezza. Blaming his taxes on his poor dog Rosie, who has never done anything wrong as far as I am aware. And now losing three games in a row has got to him.
I understand it must be hard for him to look in the mirror, what with nearly getting his dog banged up and his ugly baggy face staring back, but he is losing it.

Like Lester Freamon from The Wire, Ashley Young seems to have the rare gift of being able to do so much despite appearing to do very little else. In season one, when the Deputy Commissioner, Ervin Burrell, decided that the Barksdale investigation was probably just a waste of time and resources, he recalled the two detectives thought to be the best po-lice, leaving Freamon and the others – including protagonist Jimmy McNulty and leader of the detail, Lieutenant Daniels – to finish the job, thinking he had left only the lousy and incompetent to carry out the rest of the supposedly perilous case.

I have had my say on the sacking of AVB yesterday and stand by what I have said. AVB had to go because as a manager of our club he failed to deliver. He failed to motivate the players and to get the best out of them. Chelsea sit 20 points off the top of the Premier League and are in real danger of missing out on a top four finish and going out of the Champions League next week.

On September 25th 2008 the then Port Vale chairman Bill Bratt declared: "I feel the board and I have taken the club as far as we can." And now, officially, they have. The end of the "Valiant 2001" era at Vale Park, which began when the self-styled "supporters" organisation bought Vale out of administration in 2003 will be mourned by no-one.

Awkward. Maybe we should begin at the beginning...

The Glorious First Five Minutes

Ah, ‘twas a pleasure to be a Tottenham fan. Our heroes produced some ovely stuff. Swift, slick passing; patient but pacey; sideways if necessary but probing forward whenever opportunity even threatened to knock.

Confidence is low and depression reigns supreme on the Arsenal forums ahead of the latest North London Derby. They don't think they have the creativity in midfield to out do ours, and the certainly don't think that their cobbled together defence will be able to stop the likes of Bale and Lennon from getting crosses into the box.

Saturday's game against Bolton has now turned into a massive game for our club. The manager is under pressure, certain players are under pressure and as for us Chelsea fans, we are sitting here dreading what's going to happen next aren't we. Who would have thought that Bolton at home would become such a pivotal game in our season?

Entertaining and exciting, with a most satisfying finale – oh that the game had matched the quarter-final draw, but we can't have everything I suppose. Should I ever cross paths with His Eminence The Lord of Time there are one or two queries I would throw his way – whether Superman's little fly-ruddy-quickly-around-the-world jape really could turn back time, for a start – but high up there on the list would be a polite request to have my two hours back after the excruciating trudge through treacle that was our draw with Stevenage.

Complacency (noun): A feeling of contentment or self-satisfaction, especially when coupled with an unawareness of danger, trouble, or controversy

Just saying. However, given that we are now blinking well the best team left in this whole bally competition, it would be a dashed shame if we whimpered our way to the exit door with the derisory hoots of assorted Stevenagonians ringing in our ears.

Some players want to leave, Arsenal will be going places this summer, the English NT is filled with jerks... your usual cup of Arse here at the Offside

We start today's blog with a subject Arsenal fans are always delighted to hear about: player departures. Park Chu-Young has indicated that if keeps getting ignored for play action, he might leave in the summer.

I felt that recently we had quite good performances but did not get the results. Today we got the performance and the result, which is ideally what you want.

- Arsene Wenger, post-match wibbling session

Arsenal's January has been like the ice-skating learning curve from hell.

I watched the game and come away from it thinking "Good performance" and "Good result, we're through!" and being honest I cannot believe the negativity that has come from "Chelsea fans" on here and Twitter to me after the game.
Some of you lot need a kick up the arse and to get a sense of realism right now.

By Chris Wright

Short, sweet and does exactly what it says on the tin like Warwick Davis smeared in a mixture of Nutella and Ronseal.

But enough about the sketchbook that got me thrown out of Art College, here's Vincent Kompany Manchester City's erstwhile captain and leader being sent arse-over-teats backwards after being sneaked snuck snaken snook crept up on by a small blue ninja stealth bag during training.

Gareth Barry has acknowledged that Liverpool fans remain among the most influential supporters in English football but the Manchester City playmaker has also criticized them for verbally abusing him a few years ago.

Barry was touted as a replacement for Xabi Alonso and while the England international was even on the verge of signing for Rafa Benitez, he moved away from the protracted transfer proposition due to the impatience of Reds faithful.

Here is one for you: Andrey Arshavin has become the athlete of the year for the fourth year in a row according to a body known as the all-Russian public opinion research center. No, I am not making this up (for once). It says so, here, in black and white on AA23′s very own website.

Now, I really want to like our little Russian.

When Arsenal posted a very emotional message on their website to fans after the departure of our then captain and talisman people wondered how we would replace him and if we would even get into the top four in the coming season. Now, in January 2012, he is coming back. Does he still have the speed?

By Chris Wright

In which Agent 00Gamst, acting behalf of the Blackburn Supporters Club, misinterprets his 'Operation: Steve Kean Out' mission brief and decides to go down the 'literal' route during Rovers' 1-2 defeat at the hands of Stoke on Monday night...

Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but the complete lack of apology from Pedersen seems to speak volumes of the regard that Kean is held in at Blackburn.

Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli is once again making headlines for all the wrong reasons. The 21 year old Italy international missed City's 1-0 loss to Sunderland yesterday for reasons that still remain very unclear.

According to City manager Roberto Mancini, Balotelli was not included in City's line up because of an 'ankle problem'.

Just when I had considered giving up on Father Christmas altogether, he fills my stocking with dropped points by all of Chelski, l'Arse, Liverpool and even Man City. And – and - he even un-twinges VDV's hamstring. I'm not sure there has ever been a Christmas quite like it.

No reason not to expect another high-class performance, missed chances a-plenty and ultimately three more points tonight.

By Chris Wright

After just pipping the first leg 1-0, Pep Guardiola covered his arse by naming an incredibly strong side in the return leg against Hospitalet at the Camp Nou last night and it payed off, with Barcelona crushing the third-tier outfit thanks to goals from Pedro, Andres Iniesta, Xavi and braces from three players aged just 20: Isaac Cuenca, Thiago Alcantara and substitute Cristian Tello.

Season's greetings Arse addicts. It's been an unusual kind of week with two away games yielding mixed results. Yet we've probably found more praise for our performance in defeat at Eastlands than we did for our somewhat serendipitous victory at Villa Park. Football is a funny old, blah, blah, blah etc.

How Pippa Middleton made an arse of Joey Barton and Luis Suarez's daft quote of the week

After Joey Barton's recent Tweets about "mentally deficient, fame-hungry z-list celebs" who would "turn up to the opening of an envelope" helped win him a reported £150,000 advance from Penguin books for his thoughts on life, philosophy and porridge, the QPR midfielder will no doubt be delighted to hear that the same firm have just ordered up a party-planning book from Pippa Middleton.