Like the Ferrerro Rocher Ambassador, we at AANP Towers are rather spoiling you today. Not only are we providing a hastily cobbled-together list of potential Lane departees, but we're also implementing the flawless, scientifically-proven Who-Would-Buy-Them guide to the standard of team they would attract, thereby ascertaining whether they're worth keeping.

So it's official. The new Tottenham kits have been unveiled, the home shirt being white with urine-like streaks of yellow across the chest. The away shirts are relatively inoffensive, but if the home kit were a player it would be David Bentley – trying too hard to look flash, when keeping it simple would do the trick.

Ruud van Nistelrooy - While I've always been keen to hurl down some funky shapes on the boogie floors of London's finer night-spots on a booze-fuelled Saturday night, I've been honest enough to admit that I'm not a natural on the dance-floor. No, really. But by golly if I were, I would have danced an impromptu jig of delight at the news that we're sniffing at Ruud van Nistelrooy.

My goodness it's an arid, barren football landscape at this time of year. Admittedly there is the Confederations Cup (what the devil is that strange buzzing noise at all the South African stadia?), and the Under-21s are doing a sterling job for Queen and country, but once again at White Hart Lane the week has been characterised by the ethereal presence of rumours rather than any concrete developments.

So it's official. The new Tottenham kits have been unveiled, the home shirt being white with urine-like streaks of yellow across the chest. The away shirts are relatively inoffensive, but if the home kit were a player it would be David Bentley – trying too hard to look flash, when keeping it simple would do the trick.

My goodness it's an arid, barren football landscape at this time of year. Admittedly there is the Confederations Cup (what the devil is that strange buzzing noise at all the South African stadia?), and the Under-21s are doing a sterling job for Queen and country, but once again at White Hart Lane the week has been characterised by the ethereal presence of rumours rather than any concrete developments.

Ruud van Nistelrooy - While I've always been keen to hurl down some funky shapes on the boogie floors of London's finer night-spots on a booze-fuelled Saturday night, I've been honest enough to admit that I'm not a natural on the dance-floor. No, really. But by golly if I were, I would have danced an impromptu jig of delight at the news that we're sniffing at Ruud van Nistelrooy.

So it's official. The new Tottenham kits have been unveiled, the home shirt being white with urine-like streaks of yellow across the chest. The away shirts are relatively inoffensive, but if the home kit were a player it would be David Bentley – trying too hard to look flash, when keeping it simple would do the trick.

My goodness it's an arid, barren football landscape at this time of year. Admittedly there is the Confederations Cup (what the devil is that strange buzzing noise at all the South African stadia?), and the Under-21s are doing a sterling job for Queen and country, but once again at White Hart Lane the week has been characterised by the ethereal presence of rumours rather than any concrete developments.

Ruud van Nistelrooy - While I've always been keen to hurl down some funky shapes on the boogie floors of London's finer night-spots on a booze-fuelled Saturday night, I've been honest enough to admit that I'm not a natural on the dance-floor. No, really. But by golly if I were, I would have danced an impromptu jig of delight at the news that we're sniffing at Ruud van Nistelrooy.