The Frank Lampard Society offers the poignant, emotional, and ulimate entry from the
diary of one Mr. Lampard. Please be prepared to see some very graphic and unintelligible emoticons.
Pregnant women with a history of epilepsy and currently taking blood pressure medication are
advised to proceed with caution.
In light of Real Madrid's La Liga winning campaign, we are privileged and honored to welcome to
the site German sociologist Jurgen Habermas. He is very well known for defending annoying yet
long-lasting concepts, like modernity. In that vain, he graciously agreed to answer questions about
our beloved Real Madrid and the Special One, Jose Mourinho.
The Frank Lampard preservation society proudly offers another edition of the groundbreaking,
intimate, and kinda shallow life of a Chelsea legend. In this episode, Frank smirks, gloats, and
then smirk-gloats. A lot.
FEBRUARY 26, 2012
Yes, I have kept my New Year's Resolution to not speak poorly of Mr.
The ironic aviator sunglasses. The sincere prescription Buddy Holly bifocals. The skinny, tight
jeans. The scarves. The thrift store t-shirts. The rent checks from trust funds and/or parents. The
flippant remarks that reveal angst at their inevitable return to tax haven exurbs to reproduce
within a decade.
The Frank Lampard Appreciation Society presents another series of entries in the diary of one
Monseur Lampard. We hope you enjoy this untainted gaze into the mind of England's once prominent
philosophical bum-rushing midfielder.
February 5, 2012
This is the season that can do neither wrong nor right by me.
So, you-know-who took a look at my site. I asked ever so politely for a few basic tips to get
more eyeballs to the site. The Good Doctor glanced. The Good Doctor perused. Then the Good Doctor
dissected. Overall, he liked that the headlines were SEO friendly. However, editorial direction
aside, a large, gaping hole existed at the center of my content: misogynist pictures only
tangentially related to soccer.
The United States National Team roster for Olympic qualifying features twenty-three young
players who capture the inventiveness and the vitality of contemporary American soccer. Each of the
twenty-three players answered a brief questionnaire about there past, present, and future. Our
editors have included highlights from the Q & A and also links to their stories.
Batman without the bat signal. Superman sans the cape. Mr. Clean without that rough and tumble
earring. Every hero needs an icon. And justice, a diffuse concept that is not easily grasped by
materialistic minds, needs a hero. Always. Since the start of time; 'til the end of time.
UEFA's Financial Fair Play is no different.
The Frank Lampard Appreciation Society offers another unique, unadulterated glimpse into the
voyage of life of one tragic Monseur Lampeur.
DECEMBER 6, 2011
It's funny how the clothes we wear reflect who we are, and I don't mean those t-shirts that the
mentally handicapped wear and include the person's name, number, and address.
I wrote a thoughtful piece at the Run of Play on linguistic differences between Spanish and
English. Since then, the FA has banned Luis Suarez for 8 games based on allegations that he made
racist remarks. I don't care to get into the mucky and murky waters of administrative proceedings.
Rather, I want to focus on Liverpool's official statement in response.
Kids have dreams. And we all dream of being a star. When I was about eight years old, I opened
my first ever Excel spreadsheet. It blew me away. The charts. The formulas. The numbers. From that
day on, I dreamed of someday being an adult and spending all day looking at Excel Spreadsheets and
trying to maximize EBITDA for high revenue but low profit multinational corporate entities.
The Frank Lampard Appreciation Society proudly presents yet another chapter in the unedited,
uncut version a of Frank Lampard's diary from this season. Read at your own risk. Warning
this content may not be suitable for mature adults.
NOVEMBER 1, 2011
Genk.
This past weekend, a German referee attempted to commit suicide. CNN reported on this tragedy,
and also managed to sneak in the same article some game recaps. Tactful! The Guardian did
one better, reporting racism charges against Luis Suarez while also letting us know that the
alleged racist did not play in an international friendly due to injury.
Noted American philosopher and novelist Ayn Rand has graciously cleared her hectic social
schedule to answer a few questions about the MLS cup, David Beckham, and also her philosophy of
"objectivism." Please note that while I am a fan of MLS and respect Mr. Beckham's sporting
endeavors, I do not intend for this post to serve as an implicit or explicit endorsement of Ayn
Rand's philosophy.
EDITOR'S NOTE
We at the Frank-Lampard Appreciation Society knew that releasing his diary, the uncut
version a, would ruffle some feathers. Nevertheless, we remain firmly committed to
shedding light on the player's life, thoughts, and ruminations during this darkest of winters at
the twilight of his career.
In our never-ending search for truth, we have consulted a preeminent French cultural expert on a
stunning phenomenon: American celebrities professing love to a UK-based soccer club which has not
won anything for over 6 years. Who? What? Where? When? Why? How? These are the questions that will
not be resolved.
FOREWORD
Frank Lampard kept a diary from September 1, 2011 until June 2012. Initially, he wrote it
strictly for himself. Then, upon seeing the success of second rate player autobiographies, he
decided that when the season was over, he would publish a book based on his diary.
James: Hello, this is James reporting live from the Etihad Stadium,
where we've got some lovely cup football to share with you on this very fine afternoon. I'm joined
by my long-time colleague, John, and John, I certainly have to say, we are in for a treat today,
aren't we?
Last week, a lot of amateurs dragged my good name through the mud. Basically, a handful of loons
got on internet forums and felt the need to inaccurately predict the end of the world. And who pays
the price? Sports-following clairvoyants like me, that's who.
And intellectuals. Luckily, last week noted Psychoanalytic scholar Jacques Lacan spread some
truth on Manchester United's record-setting 19th title winning season.
In light of United's historic 19th title, we decided to revive our special series on interviews
with famous intellectuals. We were delighted that dearly departed Jacques Lacan took an hour from
his busy day to answer a few questions on Sir Alex Ferguson, the Mirror Stage, the Imaginary Order,
Nani, and the ahistorical implications of subjectivity.
So, FIFA and Interpol have united to crack down on match-fixing. Sepp Blatter is concerned that
if money influences the game, then people will lose respect for the sport. Forget kettles. Forget
pots. Let's just all cover our mouths, contain our laughter, and fight the tears flowing from our
eye sockets.
...Will not be available on this site. We apologize for any SEO confusion. We now return you to
our regularly scheduled programming.
The following is a fictional dramatization of the last second Torres-to-Chelsea
transfer.
9:00am Chelseas faxes an offer for Torres to Liverpool. Liverpool rejects the offer. Torres get
wind of the offer and begs the Liverpool Board to "have patience" and send a counteroffer.
The following is a dramatization of a typical free kick conversation between Lionel Messi &
Xavi Hernandez.
Messi: "Xavi, what are you thinking?"
Xavi: "Huh?"
Messi: "Well, when you cup your mouth like that, you appear to be in deep thought. What's the
plan for this free kick?
