There's a door next to Lampard's crotch. ... Sounds about right.

Today's lesson: Always tip your taxi driver well. Upon experiencing your awesome generosity and overall wonderfulness as a human being, he just might reveal that he's a season ticket holder and member of the club's gym, where injured players apparently congregate on matchday.

Alright, everybody here's the thing. I'll be hopping a plane to London tonight, in part to catch the Chelsea v Wolves match at the Bridge on Saturday. So your regularly scheduled programming will be interrupted between now and Monday, but unless I end up passed out in a pub somewhere for the next four or five days I hope to share pictures and tidbits from the trip while I'm there.

Iker Casillas

Ok. ... Getting sleepy in the press conference. This isn't good. ... Maybe if I just cross my arms and tilt my head back, no one will know I'm slowly losing consciousness. ... Yeah. I think this is working. I look perfectly normal like this. ... Oh no.

Another day, another head shot. This really is the final straw for American girls soccer, though. I mean, the hair pulling and dirty tackles are one thing, but to take aim and obliterate an opponent's face like this on a free kick is just way over the line. And totally hilarious.

After the jump, a special bonus DTotD.

First things first that's Tigre midfielder Matias Gimenez in the picture above. Dressed as a tiger. Holding two live chickens. With a demonic look on his face. In what appears to be the backyard of a meth lab/child abductor's hideout. I have no answers for any of that. I found the picture here.

On an international break Tuesday, this qualifies as noteworthy all Austria's Paul Scharner has to do now is suffer disfiguring burns on one side of his face and he'll be a Batman villain.

[Photo: Reuters]

All the stuff being covered outside the unfriendly confines of the award winning Dirty Tackle...

A puddle of mud proves to be Notts County goalkeeper Kasper Schmeichel's best friend. [Extra Footie]

It was inevitable: the Elizabeth Lambert dating video parody. [Tauntr]

Bookmaker stops taking bets on new Scotland manager because their chief executive is on the SFA board.

According to Football Italia, Samuel Eto'o has cemented his reputation as the Oprah Winfrey of footballers by giving each and every member of the Cameroon national team, which he captains, a £30,000 watch simply because they qualified for the World Cup.

Meanwhile, every other national team captain is cursing his name for making them look bad.

Manchester United having already bucked the Premier League trend by raising ticket prices this season and selling Cristiano Ronaldo for more money than actually exists in the world are now taking somewhat odd cost-cutting measures, according to The Sun. In addition to logical reductions like trimming the staff at MUTV, the club are also apparently forbidding groundsmen at their training ground from taking any left-over bread for morning toast and the former players who act as hosts at Old Trafford can no longer take up seats to watch the game, nor can they eat the left-over food put out for guests, instead being given packed sandwiches.

There's a lot to be impressed with in this clip. Mostly in how #20 was able to nail his opponent square in the face at such a sharp angle and that said opponent quickly recovered to go after it.

The clip ends too soon, though. I have a feeling #20 didn't come out of that corner unscathed.

When you think of a professional footballer's mode of transportation to a match, you probably conjure images of pimped-out limousines with built-in hot tubs, strippers and maybe even a personal pizza chef.

Well, for footballers in the United States (who aren't Davey Becks) it's not like that.

Though Sunderland's Darren Bent finally got his call up to the England squad, it appears even he is a bit bored with the international break. So bored, in fact, that he sprung for the Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 deluxe edition and is wearing the included night vision goggles around a dark house.

A friendly between Uruguayan clubs Paysandu and Cameta turned not so friendly (see what I did there?) when defender Carlos Eduardo decided to play a little prank on the linesman. While Eduardo's Paysandu teammate was being stretchered off the pitch, he went up to the linesman and, in his own words:

"I said, 'Boy, you're very jumpy' and threw water on him, which was very hot.

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me wearing an old Argentina national team shirt. Naturally, I'm wearing the old one because it was significantly cheaper than the new one and because it was the only one I could find in the dryers at the laundromat. ... Why am I wearing an Argentina shirt at all, you ask?

Two years ago, when he was still playing for Chelsea, Lassana Diarra would rather would rather flee in terror than speak English and now he's apparently going out of his way to insult the Irish in the frightening language.

After France won the first leg of their World Cup qualifying playoff 1-0 over Ireland on Saturday, Diarra allegedly went up to the home side's Keith Andrews and made an insulting comment that was so bad Andrews refused to reveal what it was:

"I don't want to say exactly what he said, but he knows what it was, which was a disrespectful comment and it was typical of him, to be honest, and the way that he was.