Martin Jol has too much humility to engage in any Teutonic acts of schadenfreude, but you might forgive him a wry smile as his former employers remain rooted to the bottom of the Premier League after the worst start in the club's 126-year history. It will be a year next Sunday since Jol was given [. Click to continue reading...

IT has been tough week for me in the London. My so-called friends at Tottingham Hotspurs have not been speaking to me because I say I am best player in Europe and should be playing in Champion League. They say I am selfish arrogant prick and say I should be playing for the Coventry Cities. [...]SHARETHIS. Click to continue reading...

MANCHESTER United defender Nemanja Vidic has admitted the real reason he wants to leave England is because he is afraid of Mary Poppins. The Serbian had already stunned United fans after he announced yesterday that he wanted to quit Manchester on account of the piss-awful weather. However, pals close to Vidic revealed that it was not [. Click to continue reading...

LIVERPOOL fans have been banned from singing their famous anthem ‘You'll never walk alone' after a series of complaints from corporate sponsors. The decision comes after Portsmouth were told by the Football Association's commercial department to ‘shove those fucking cowbells up your collective arse and let us eat our shrimp and caviar sandwiches in peace [. Click to continue reading...

CHELSEA goalkeeper Petr Cech has been sensationally accused of stealing the identity of a traffic cone. The traffic cone, which is currently employed by the Highways Agency, claimed that the Chelsea keeper's high-visibility orange kit is tantamount to identity fraud. The traffic cone has hired a top American law firm, who specialise in representing inanimate objects, [. Click to continue reading...

PREMIER League chief Richard Scudamore has today announced that he plans to make the Premier League sack race an Olympic event by 2012. Scudamore is currently lobbying IOC members to add the Premier League sack race to the bloated list of pointless Olympic events that nobody really gives two tiny squirts of piss about. Click to continue reading...

FA chief executive Brian Barwick has been sacked after it was decided England are now officially worse than a pub team, according to FA chairman Lord Triesman. The damning verdict comes after England's hopeless 2-2 draw with the Czech Republic at Wembley on Wednesday night. Barwick was instrumental in cocking up the hiring of Luiz Filipe [. Click to continue reading...

NEWCASTLE manager Kevin Keegan has offered permanently crocked striker Michael Owen a new deal worth £21 million, on the condition he gets himself a perm. Keegan is a firm believer that success on the football pitch is mirrored by success at the hairdressers, alluding to his own classic perm that helped him twice pick up [. Click to continue reading...

ENGLAND boss Fabio Capello has caused uproar today by appointing George Mainwaring from Dad's Army as his new captain. Captain Mainwaring was preferred to Rio Ferdinand and John Terry, who Capello felt did not have the necessary xenophobia required to successfully lead their countries. "We are a big fan of Dad's Army in Italy," said Capello. Click to continue reading...

IF Liverpool's opening day victory over Sunderland confirmed anything, it is that Rafa Benitez must resist all urges to rest Fernando Torres. Last season Liverpool surrendered 10 points in games where Benitez – with one eye clearly on Europe – preferred to keep his star striker on the bench rather than risk injury. Click to continue reading...

IT might be slightly premature to crown Luiz Felipe Scolari's side champions after just one game, but Chelsea's 4-0 demolition of FA Cup winners Portsmouth on Sunday has indicated just how strong they are – and how big the gulf between the Big Four and the rest of the league is. In fact, how big [. Click to continue reading...

FORMER England boss Steve McClaren has bizarrely claimed that he invented the banana, raising fears over his current mental health. It comes after FC Twente chairman Joop Munsterman admitted to reporters that McClaren is probably madder than King George. Suspicions over the sanity of McClaren were raised on Wednesday night, after he claimed that he had [. Click to continue reading...

Saturday 16th August, 2008 ARSENAL V WEST BROM, Emirates Stadium, 12.45pm Arsene Wenger will be without much of his first team for West Brom's visit to North London. It is unlikely to make the slightest bit of difference to the outcome. Last season: N/A Prediction: Scott Carson is in goal. You do the maths. Click to continue reading...

A GROUP of Ancient Greeks complained today that the new prayer room at Ewood Park was inadequate for their methods of worship. The ‘multi-faith' room claims to be suitable for Blackburn supporters of all religious persuasions, from Islamic extremists to students of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. However, a group of Ancient Greeks have been quick [. Click to continue reading...

EXILED Manchester City boss Thaksin Shinawatra has sensationally claimed that life in Manchester is much worse than being locked up in the Bangkok Hilton. The former Thai Prime Minister had been facing a possible jail sentence in his native country for allegedly stealing a 'shit load' of money from the treasury and then casually buying [. Click to continue reading...