1. Is It That Time Already?

After registering a solitary point from our opening five fixtures, we are already at that stage of the season where we scour the fixture list to see where we can pick up the points necessary to avoid relegation.

Meanwhile, through the looking glass, tottenham fans are convinced they have the capacity to secure both silverware and peace in Afghanistan by May.

1. Opposition
Since the departure of Ronaldo and Tevez, Man United have not looked as accomplished an outfit as their main title contenders, Chelsea. With a lack of big money investment this summer, the west London outfit are favourites to claim back-to-back Premiership titles.
Despite undoubted class, Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes will play increasingly diminishing roles, and in the absence of a firing Wayne Rooney, the ‘attack attack attack' nature of United looks less threatening now than in recent years.

1. The Weird And Wonderful World Of Avram Grant

Other than our woeful defending, one thing has struck me thus far about the recent exploits of Mossad's finest: his mysterious take on reality.

I have not determined whether Grant is yet to fully master the English language, or if his flabby jowls generate sufficient turbulence to distort his view of the world.

1. Sympathy For The Author

Apropos of absolutely nothing. Here is a discussion I had with Mrs Shark last night as I spent 3 hours moving bricks from one part of our garden to another during a Biblical rainstorm. I was doing this because we have workmen coming today to lay some decking:
Me: "God, I'm tired"
Mrs Shark: "Why"
Me: "Well, I just moved about 200 hundred heavy bricks.

1. Here's One I Made Earlier

Hello everyone. Hope you all avoided the World Cup and enjoyed a few brief months of respite before last week's ruthless wake-up call.

I was all set to begin this new season with the breathless, wide-eyed gusto of a Blue Peter presenter.

Outwardly full of enthusiasm at the prospect of making a kitchen utensil holder from an old shoe-box, or perhaps riding at some speed through big puddles in a tank driven by the Territorial Army, I would inwardly conceal my drug habit and self-harming.

1. Back! And Better Than Ever! If By "Better" You Mean "Much The Same As Before!"

This performance was so utterly, objectionably, abysmally abject that I rather suspect Naomi Campbell will be required to testify about it at The Hague by the end of the week.
2.

1. The New West Ham. Just Like The Old West Ham, But With A Bigger Logo

As I wandered through the heaving urban metropolis that is south Romford on my way to the station this morning, I happened to glance up at the large revolving advertising board that helps to give South Street it's Parisian air of late 60's joie de vivre.

1. Opposition

Manchester City's season, like ours, is now over and so Sunday will be a procession.
It will at least give us a chance to watch a game of football while keeping our blood pressure below 410bpm, and wonder at what might be if Luis Boa Morte can just stay out of The Priory for more than two weeks.

1. Dictionary Corner
Despondent: (adj) feeling or showing profound hopelessness, dejection, discouragement or gloom.

This edition is going to be pretty glum, and we all know the reasons for that.
2. I'll Huff And I'll Puff And I'll Blow Your House Down
Not only were we beaten at home by Wolves, not only were we beaten 3-1 at home by Wolves, we were comprehensively outplayed at home by Wolves.

1. Opposition
Arsenal away this week, as we attempt to keep our cumulative concessions against a member of the top three to less than five goals.
The Gunners appear to be coming into form at just the right time. They have weathered a few storms this season, most notably the lengthy absence of Robin van Persie; as well as a merry-go-round of goalkeepers, the audible groans from Sol Campbell's knees and the traditional broken leg inflicted by the proletariat.

1. Science Fiction
You may have noticed that previews have been absent these last few weeks. Initially due to unforseen circumstances, this prolonged absence evolved into a social experiment.
Our Caligula-esque self-regard combined with an innate lethargy has led us here at The H List to believe our convoluted musings somehow influence reality.

1. Opposition
Our trip to Turf Moor will find Burnley resolute in claiming a draw at the very least, in a match that has become a survival six-pointer.
Last weekend they lost narrowly at home to Chelsea, and Burnley will see us as their best chance to acquire some points in the near future as our visit is followed by trips to Craven Cottage and Villa Park for The Clarets.

1. Opposition
Once Premier League Champions, reduced to unsightly loiterers.
Under Kenny Dalglish, Blackburn Rovers acquired a fine team to win the championship in 1995 courtesy of the millions invested by Jack Walker in the likes of Alan Shearer and Chris Sutton
This endeavour proved short-lived as the winning side was quickly dismantled and Blackburn were relegated a few years later.

1. Mourning Has Broken?

With the business side of ownership concluded, the proper business of survival gets underway as we enter the pivotal stage of our season.
Over the next eighteen days we will face most all of our likely relegation contenders, with Bolton following a couple of weeks later.

It was EM Forster who once described God as "the Friend who never comes but yet is not entirely disproved", and for some time now I think I have been subconsciously agreeing with this whilst pondering the mythical new owner of West Ham. He who will swoop in with a golden chequebook and rescue us from the roiling sea of incompetence and mismanagement upon which we currently sail.