¿Parlez-Vous Soccer?

Enjoying the game of soccer is enough of a mountain for me to climb. But one thing I'll never get used to is the strange (dare I say queer?) language associated with international football, as if the sport exists in a parallel universe with its own mother tongue.

It all starts with those uber-refined, patrician British announcers calling the games (excuse me, matches), who sound as if they just completed a narration of "Brideshead Revisited" before putting on their game (er, match) caps.