The Kazakh Nigel De Jong

In order to escape the now nauseating tentacles of El Clasico and its death grip on global media, we must head off to footy paradise the Kazakh second division.

Right.

You may remember the current posterchild for rude behavior on a football pitch, Nigel De Jong, and his Karate Kid tackle on Real Madrid Spain that guy who used to play for Liverpool, Xabi Alonso, last summer.