Player profile: Jermain Defoe

Has he really been with us for almost seven years!? The 'loan' spell at Portsmouth doesn't count. He was always our player. Tiny little striker who, at times, scores goals almost as prolifically as he seduces women in Chinawhites. Is part of a select band of just four players who have scored a whopping five goals in one game, which he achieved in a 9-1 molestation of Wigan.