In 2011, the Union were having the great defensive domination. Our clean sheets, our goals-against averages and our making-strikers-weep statistics were all in the league's top five. However, we were not scoring the goals. I can only recall seven goals scored, in the full season. Perhaps eight. This only divides to a 0.

Note: Camden Youth Soccer Club is a volunteer group that organizes an affordable soccer program for kids in Camden, wrangling equipment and setting up weekend games. This week, their goals were stolen, presumably by the most sniveling prick in the tri-State area. You can help replace them by donating here.

Piotr's recent comments about my coaching prospects along with the release of my proposed starter Nizar Khalfan have left me shaken these last few days. Broken emotionally and intellectually, I've decided to take a break from tactical talk and front office second-guessing. Instead of writing about all that heavy shit, I'll return to my roots- banal dick jokes.

The latest beneficiary of PUT's desperate and shameless self-promotion has been chosen! Using a super high-speed computer, a series of complex algorithms, some chicken organs and a reasonably priced Oracle-for-hire, we came to our ultimate conclusion: that we should just put the names in a hat. Having no hats, we put the names into a pair of chinos, the wearer of which was surprised but very accomodating as we groped around his lovin' parts and pulled the name of.

In case you haven't heard, Greg Jordan, Raymon Gaddis, Krystian Witkowski, Chase Harrison and Antione Hoppenot are all official. That's three mids, one defender and a goalie signing their lives away to the Blue and Gold. How does this affect the lineups? That depends on the current presumed starters.

We are still have one international slot open on our roster. I was holding it for Robert Lewandowski, the great striker of Borussia Dortmund. I offered second-round MLS draft pick and box of slightly-used practice balls. They responded with demands of €9 million. I tried to sweeten the deal with Levi Houapeu and three more balls.

[Don't forget to enter for your chance to Win a Union Travel Mug from Philly Union Talk] Goals for. Goals against. Pass completion percentage. Minutes, miles, years, days, months. No sports fan can resist the temptation of cold hard stats. Maybe it's the fantasy of being able to understand what's basically inscrutable, to make logical sense out of a wildly unpredictable and emotional thing.

If the recent Citizens United decision has taught us anything, it's this: you can be popular, or you can buy popular. Of course, no one with even a modicum of self-respect would do the latter. Which is why we'll assume that when you, loyal reader, "Like" us on Facebook between now and Friday, you'll be doing so because you sincerely believe that PUT is the finest source of web-based Union news and analysis this side.

It's that time of year again, Union fans. As of now, our controversial roster is pretty much what it's gonna be. Following an offseason of unusual turnover, heart-rending surprises, vicious debate, and a deluge of tweets fit for no man's daughters, we've got ourselves a team. For better or worse, Union 3.

I am the man of Renaissance. Football player. Football coach. International spy. Culinary master. Fencing expert. Gifted oboe player. Man-who-can-eat-Joey's-two-foot-cheesesteak. And now, I am also the journalism. Back in 2010, I sent to J.P. Dellacamera my first story. It was called: Watch Me Punch Chris Seitz in this YouTube Video It was very compelling story, with accompanying video.

Like any fucked-up emo mullet, the Union features a reserved business-like rear and an unpredictable, sexy façade. Even with the loss of our well-endowed AARP'er (goalie Faryd Mondragon) and the likely introduction of a new starter (left back and LMFAO-reject Porfirio Lopez), the defense will be ready to build on their success last year.

It's that time of year again, Union fans. As of now, our controversial roster is pretty much what it's gonna be. Following an offseason of unusual turnover, heart-rending surprises, vicious debate, and a deluge of tweets fit for no man's daughters, we've got ourselves a team. For better or worse, Union 3.

In which we address the pre-pubescent new roster, and try to see things from where our beleaguered coach stands.

Our 3-part series breaks down the 2012 Union roster by position. Today, the D. Tell us where we're wrong.

In which one blogger's wife probes the relationship between players and fans.

A few of the issues that gnaw at us, on the eve of season 3. How 'bout you?

Pour a sip on the concrete, and take a look back at the dearly departed.

Javi reconsiders his defense of the front office following the infamous Seba interview.

Why our new Panamanian friend can take us places we've only dreamed of. Sponsored by Rosetta Stone.