Off the Post Archives for January 2009

Everton sign Diniyar Bilyaletdinov: won’t somebody please think of the kitman?

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How do you spell that, son? Everton have completed the signing of Russia midfielder Diniyar Bilyaletdinov from Lokomotiv Moscow for an undisclosed fee. The 24-year-old has returned home to complete a visa application ahead a five-year deal at Goodison Park. It is not yet clear whether the transfer is intended to propel the Toffees to Manchester City's [.

Daily Mirror gives Liverpool fans an unexpected happy ending

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But I thought they lost 1-3? ...and then the Scousers woke up, checked their Twitter accounts and found it had all been just a bad dream. Thanks to Keith Belfast for the tip.


Video: New Everton signing Diniyar Bilyaletdinov dragged into an MTV rap

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One footballer who's not overly eager to try his hand at rap Here is Everton's latest purchase Diniyar Bilyaletdinov participating in an MTV awards ceremony back in Mother Russia. Former teammate Dmitri Sychev is happy to take the microphone and clearly considers himself to be up there with the world's best rapper (like Ryan Babel, for [.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 22-23 August

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1. Everton must be getting to the stage now where they would consider paying Joleon Lescott to leave and get back to some sort of normality. 2. Another convincing Arsenal win seems to have announced their return as a major title race contender. Roll on next week when we see how they cope with the reigning [.

West Ham’s Calum Davenport stabbed in both legs

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Hammers player battles to save leg West Ham defender Calum Davenport is reportedly fighting to avoid a leg amputation after being stabbed in both legs in the early hours of Saturday morning. The 26-year-old and his mother were both stabbed at the family home in Kempston, near Bedford. Reports suggest Davenport was stabbed twice in each leg [.

Video: Robbie Keane can’t open bottles

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Spurs striker lacking in upper-body strength Robbie Keane has a very childlike approach to menial everyday tasks: have a go, fail, have another goal, fail, ask somebody older to do it for you.


Steven Cohen ends World Soccer Daily after death threats

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Controversial DJ bows out after Hillsborough comments Radio host Steven Cohen has announced that his show World Soccer Daily will come off the air after internet hate mail directed at his stepchildren. As you read on OTP, Cohen courted controversy in recent months with comments he made about the Hillsborough disaster.

Video: Europa League match abandoned on 87 minutes because of crowd trouble

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The referee has indicated a minimum of minus two minutes of injury time The Europa League game between Romanian's Dinamo Bucharesti and Slovan Liberec of the Czech Republic was abandoned last night after a pitch invasion. When Jan Blazek's late goal gave Liberec a potentially crucial second away goal, the Dinamo fans decided to take action.

Video: Aston Villa concede within 16 secs, lose Europa League match

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Villa's dodgy start continues Aston Villa boss Martin O'Neill would have been looking for a steady start in the Europa League to compensate for their Premier League opening day defeat to Wigan. What he got was a sucker punch in the first minute from which his side could not find their they back. Curtis Davies spotted a [.

Mike Ashley in trouble for selling Hillsborough hate shirt

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Sports Direct apologises for '96 - Not Enough' printing Mike Ashley's sports shop chain has issued an apology after one of its employees allowed a Manchester United fan to have customised printing mocking the Hillsborough victims on the back of his replica shirt. Colm Jackson had the slogan 'YSB 96 NOT ENOUGH' printed at the Sports [.

Watch Theo Walcott get a tattoo for Nike

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Just ink it Arsenal and England star Theo Walcott has visited a tattoo parlour for this new viral for Nike and Foot Locker. The speedy forward is filmed getting inked wearing his Nike Air Max 90s, which apparently makes the whole process run a lot more smoothly. So now you know: if you want a tattoo, buy [.

Video: Girl at Walsall-Leeds match gets more involved in goal celebration than she expected

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Ouch! This Leeds supporter probably didn't realise quite how central to her side's goal celebration. Unimpressed with the group hug, she suggested they do a Klinsmann dive... Spotted on 101GG


Liverpool go top of the table… for stitches

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Rafa staying at Anfield and cracking injury-related jokes It turns out yesterday's Rafa has quit rumours were just that: rumours. Benitez re-affirmed his commitment to Liverpool as victory over Stoke left him in a jovial mood. The Spaniard joked that his side were the Premier League pacesetters when it came to getting stitches.

Did Richard Scudamore sneak in a secret Premier League draw embargo?

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Three points or zilch There has now been 16 matches played in the new Premier League season and we are yet to witness a draw. Birmingham and Portsmouth seemed to be heading towards the inevitable 0-0 draw I had predicted until an injury time penalty was awarded against Pompey keeper David James. When James went to remonstrate [.

Football Looklikes: David James the 1970s porn star

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"Did you say you needed someone to get everything behind your 20 yard drive?" David James made sure he was looking like a prize plonker when he decided to go on a climbing expedition up Sebastian Larsson's back and conceded an injury time penalty against Birmingham. OTP can only commend the Portsmouth keeper's fund-raising efforts on [.

Video: Robbie Blake gives Burnley the lead against Man Utd

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Robbie rocket A real turn up for the books at Turf Moor where Robbie Blake has given newly-promoted Burnley a shock lead against defending champions Manchester United. Video via 101GG


Rumour: Rafa Benitez has quit Liverpool

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Has disgruntled Spaniard left Anfield? No official word on this yet but rumours abound that Rafa Benitez has walked out on Liverpool. Word reached OTP on the grapevine firstly that an unnamed Premier League manager had quit, and then that Benitez had left. It wouldn't be surprising given his rocky relationship with the club's owners and his [.

Everton signing Ever Banega’s webcam sex shame

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The sort of thing that could stop you getting that work permit If Everton fans thought their side played like a bunch of w***ers against Arsenal on Saturday then their new signing is hardly going to improve things. Argentinian midfielder Ever Banega is set to join the Toffees on a season-long loan from Valencia.

Video: Sporting Lisbon’s Simon Vukčević sent-off for Champions League goal celebration

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When will footballers ever control their need to get naked after scoring? Sporting Lisbon were 0-1 down to Fiorentina in the home leg of their Champions League qualifier with nearly an hour on the clock when Simon Vukčević clipped his shot inside the far post. He celebrated through that age-old signifier of an important goal: running [.

Chelsea try out their new walking bus

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Who needs to warm up after that? When Roman Abramovich's kids told him that they had started taking the walking bus to school he could barely contain his jealousy and knew he had to get one for himself immediately. So here are Chelsea arriving in style at the Stadium of Light last night in their new walking [.

Ryan Babel is a ’sick rapper’, says hip hop star Sway

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We would have said 'vomit-inducing' Liverpool striker (haha, he wishes) Ryan Babel is collaborating (that's what urban artists do, right?) with rapper Sway on his new album. The Dutchman's previous attempts at rocking the mic have made him a YouTube sensation, but he has carried on unperturbed. Sway said: "He's actually on the song with me [.

Manchester City fan gets tattoo celebrating 2011 Champions League win

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Stephen Ireland's craziest move yet? A crazy Manchester City fan is so confident that silverware is coming his side's way that he has had a tattoo commemorating the club winning next season's Champions League. Kirk Bradley, of Birmingham (insert your own joke about there being no City fans in Manchester), decided to backup his mouthy predictions [.

Knock us off our perch

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OTP stormed to the top of the Off The Post Prediction Game rankings after the opening round of matches (well, us and someone called Tom. Make yourself known to collect your plaudits!). We don't want to be there, honestly. We've got terrible vertigo already and there's a long season ahead. If you reckon you're a more [.

Will Spurs’ third booze ban do the trick?

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Third time lucky for teetotal Tottenham Today's Daily Star suggests that Harry Redknapp is considering banning Tottenham players from drinking alcohol following David Bentley's arrest for drink driving. As far as OTP can tell, that is the third such ban that Tottenham's squad has been handed. Following Ledley King's arrest in May, Redknapp vowed to bring in [.

Video: Rafa Benitez thinks Phil Dowd needs glasses

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Liverpool boss makes a spectacle of himself It hasn't taken Rafa Benitez long to get back into the swing of his crazy press conferences. Following Liverpool's defeat to Tottenham on Sunday, the Spaniard was asked what he thought of referee Phil Dowd's performance. Benitez reached into his suit pocket, pulled out his glasses, showed them to the [.

Video: Robbie Fowler’s headstand bicycle pedal ninja kick

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The A-League: where martial arts assaults go unpunished Robbie Fowler let off a little steam during a 5-0 defeat for new side North Queensland Fury with a crazed ninja attack on an opponent. Having watched Gold Coast United run five goal past his hapless team-mates, Fowler was a little frustrated to say the least.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 15-16 August

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1. Arsene Wenger definitely saw that! 2. Some beautiful goals to ring in the new season. Take a bow Hugo Rodallega, Denilson, Didier Drogba and Mark Noble. 3. Didier Drogba's last-gasp winner for Chelsea against Hull put paid to any musings on whether Stephen Hunt likes kicking Chelsea when they are down.

Video: David Beckham sent-off against Seattle Sounders

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Coconut goes over the top David Beckham was red-carded in LA Galaxy's defeat to Seattle Sounders on Saturday. The ex-England captain was sent-off in the 17th minute for a studs up challenge on Peter Vagenas. Becks overstretched after letting the ball out of his control. It was a bad tackle, just not as bad as the mute-me-now-please [.

Jimmy Bullard struggles to record Sky Sports penpic video

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Walk forward and smile: not as easy as it sounds You imagine some Premier League footballers might consider recording their pre-match introduction videos for Sky Sports to be a bit of a chore and a waste of their time. Not Jimmy Bullard. He had all the time in the world. Spotted on 101GG


If Joleon Lescott was a football blogger…

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by Joleon Lescott David Beckham were red-carded in LA Confidential's defeat too Seattle Sounders on Saturday. The Ex-EnGl&nd capTain was 5ent-of in the £££££££££££ 17th minute... Argghhhh!!!!!!! It's no use. I can't do it anymore. I Used too bee a fantastic football blogger butt last week I herd that (£££££££££££) a national newspaper wanted to sign [.

Video: Mark Hughes falls for Sam Allardyce’s handshake buzzer gag

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Citeh boss takes a tumble Manchester City boss Mark Hughes laughed off a post-match slip at Ewood Park saying that all those waiting to watch him fall flat on his face had got what they wanted. Hughes used his handshake with Blackburn manager Sam Allardyce as an excuse to showcase his best breakdancing moves.

Video: Referee misses Freddie Sears goal for Crystal Palace against Bristol City

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I'm sorry, the ball didn't hit the back of the net hard enough One of the major talking points of the weekend came in the Championship clash between Bristol City and Crystal Palace. Young striker Freddie Sears, on loan at Palace from West Ham, scored a perfectly legitimate goal which hit the stanchion and bounced out [.

Sky Sports are excited about the new season (just like you)

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More from Murdoch and co after the jump.


Guus Hiddink finds the perfect rebound from Chelsea

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How would you fill the sudden gaping lack of girly footballers in your life? Poor Guus Hiddink has been missing life at Chelsea. The sight of Didier Drogba straightening his hair after training, Frank Lampard topping up his fake tan and John Terry doing his nails has been missing from the Dutchman's daily existence.

Guus Hiddink finds the perfect rebound from Chelsea

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How would you fill the sudden gaping lack of girly footballers in your life? Poor Guus Hiddink has been missing life at Chelsea. The sight of Didier Drogba straightening his hair after training, Frank Lampard topping up his fake tan and John Terry doing his nails has been missing from the Dutchman's daily existence.

Landon Donovan gets swine flu

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Landycakes takes to his sick bed USA star Landon Donovan has been struck down with swine flu. But since he was well enough to report this to the media himself we suspect he will be back keeping David Beckham in check before too long. Donovan gave American xenophobes a field day by receiving his diagnosis the day [.

Landon Donovan gets swine flu

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Landycakes takes to his sick bed USA star Landon Donovan has been struck down with swine flu. But since he was well enough to report this to the media himself we suspect he will be back keeping David Beckham in check before too long. Donovan gave American xenophobes a field day by receiving his diagnosis the day [.

The Sun rewrites Gareth Barry transfer saga with alternative ending

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Red top thinks England star joined Reds Contrary to what you might read on Facebook, according to The Sun Gareth Barry doesn't love money. He loves Champions League football, making Spanish friends and stepping into Xabi Alonso's boots. Thanks to OTP reader Benny Smyth for spotting this.


Top 15 fictional footballer Facebook updates

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New season social networking gags 1. Fraizer Campbell rejected Phil Brown's friend request Marc-Antoine Fortune rejected Phil Brown's friend request Michael Owen rejected Phil Brown's friend request 2. Arsene Wenger is not worried about his lack of transfers this summer as he has internal solutions 1 hour ago Alexander Song Billong likes this Visakri Diaby likes this Denilson likes this 3.

Arsene Wenger admits he sometimes sees the things he says he doesn’t see

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Arsenal boss is not partially sighted after all, just a liar Arsene Wenger has finally admitted that his well-worn 'I didn't see eet' routine is an act put on to protect his players. OTP has long suspected that Wenger's view could not have been blocked for every single foul ever committed by an Arsenal player.

Blackburn to ‘kick lumps out’ of Manchester City

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David Dunn says Rovers will cut Citeh stars down to size The Premier League kicks off again tomorrow and it seems that living up to cliches is so in this season. Firstly we had Arsene Wenger proudly confirming that he does see what he doesn't see and now Blackburn Rovers are freely admitting that their tactics [.

Moneybags Man City are now paying for access to medical records

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Because £18 million is reasonable for someone with a long-term injury problem, but £22 million... Manchester City are effectively offering Everton £4 million for a glimpse at Joleon Lescott's medical records. The Citizens have offered £18 million for the defender but will not improve their bid without checking they are not paying for a new physio [.

Video: Stephen Dobbie’s classy goal for Swansea against Brighton

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Cheeky finish from the Carling Cup The old strikers' dilemma. You're one-on-one with the keeper: do you chip him, go round him or try and place the ball into the net? Swansea's Stephen 'House-elf' Dobbie found an interested solution to the problem in Tuesday night's Carling Cup clash with Brighton.

Sponsored post

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Top 10 conclusions Holland 2-2 England (with video highlights)

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1. This was possibly the first England friendly in history in which the team's performance was improved by a host of second half substitutions. 2. That was the stereotypical game of two halves. A draw was probably about fair in the end. 3. Holland's big screen was a good way of lowering England morale.

Football lookalikes: David Beckham and a coconut

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One coconut who's not shy Los Angeles' favourite son, David Beckham, added to his comprehensive back-catalogue of dodgy hairdos with this special effort for last night's Holland-England game. We reckon Becks might be slowly turning into the world's most heavily tattooed coconut.


Nicklas Bendtner offers replica kit refund after number change

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Come in number 26 Arsenal striker Nicklas Bendtner has promised to refund fans who purchased replica shirts with his name on the back after deciding to change his squad number. The desperate Dane thinks swapping to his lucky number 52 might put an end to his wastefulness in front of goal. He said: "I'd like personally to [.

Classic England v Holland

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Retro Euro 96 joy Here's your chance to watch England v Holland in a match that isn't blighted by a host of substitutions and a serious a feigned injuries by Big Four players hoping to shirk as much as possible ahead of the new Premier League season.


Predict the Premier League results, win money

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Premier League Fixtures & Results We've teamed up with our friends at Footbo to bring you this fantastic Premier League prediction game. If you're looking for something a bit more straight-laced than our Fantasy Football FAIL, this could be just the thing for you. All you have to do is sign-up, predict the Premier League results and [.

Cesc Fabregas sports Barcelona shirt…

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... and world's biggest air quotes Mischievous Spanish journalists have uncovered this photograph of a young Cesc Fabregas in his Barcelona kit and are apparently reporting that the Arsenal man has "Barcelona DNA". We love the gigantic air quotes. Perhaps he is saying "cheese" or "queso" to have his photo taken but wants to signify that he [.

Video: Knife-wielding maniac invades pitch

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When fans get stabby This video features a goalkeeping howler (which OTP has featured plenty of) and an attempted knife attack on a player (which thankfully are a little thinner on the ground). The Copa Sudamericana tie between Argentina's River Plater and Blooming of Bolivia was called off last night after a fan attacked River's Henry [.

Sunderland’s Grant Leadbitter banned from driving because of Geordie-phobia

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Black Cat midfielder scared into speeding by alleged Magpie mob Sunderland midfielder Grant Leadbitter was handed a driving ban yesterday despite pleading that it was fear of Newcastle fans that caused him to hit speeds of up to 112mph. The 23-year-old had allegedly clashed with Newcastle supporters during a night out and Gateshead Magistrates Court heard [.

Fantasy Football FAIL: OTP’s fantasy football with a twist

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Calling all losers! Do you suck at fantasy football? Always lurking around the lower reaches of your fantasy football league like some sort of fictional Newcastle United? OTP has got the answer: Fantasy Football FAIL. This season we will be tipping the table on its head and celebrating mediocrity. And we will be doing from within the [.

Video: BBC decide woman on toilet is more interesting than Torquay v Chesterfield

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Beeb makes highlights cock-up Chesterfield fans who couldn't bare to watch their trip to Torquay end in defeat were handed an unusual treat by the BBC. The temptation to press the big red button got too tempting for one Beeb employee and the action cut away from Plainmoor to the film Blue Crush, just in time [.

Video: Peter Kovacs scores a goal, puts himself out of contention for Fair Play award

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Giving a new meaning to the phrase no pain, no gain Odd Grenland booked their place in the semi-finals of the Norwegian Cup after beating SK Brann 5-1 at home over the weekend, but it was their second goal which has got their opponents hot under the collar. Hungarian striker Peter Kovacs grabbed the goal in controversial [.

Top conclusions: Chelsea 2-2 Manchester United (4-1 on pens)

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1. Age and experience does not increase penalty-taking prowess. Just ask Ryan Giggs. 2. Or maybe being left-footed is the problem. Just ask Ryan Giggs and Patrice Evra. 3. Sir Alex Ferguson blowing a fuse with a referee: the new season truly is upon us, folks! It's like he has never been away. 4. Since it's very [.

Video: Chelsea beat Man Utd on penalties to lift Community Shield

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First silverware of the season goes to the Blues Chelsea sent out a signal of intent to their Premier League rivals by lifting the first trophy of the season after defeating Manchester United in the Community Shield. The Blues won 4-1 on penalties after the match ended in a 2-2 draw. Awful penalties from Ryan Giggs and [.

Video: Everton away kit launched with haka

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And why not? Everton's new away kit made it into OTP's Top five worst new Premier League kits list, so if we were the Toffees we would have been sneaking this into the club shop through the back-door. The club begged together and decided a group of well-built New Zealanders were the best way to launch [.

Bagpipes, champagne, Prince Harry and a £105,000 bar tab…

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... it's Salomon Kalou's birthday party, of course! Chelsea players ran up a £105,000 bill at London's Whisky Mist nightclub for Salomon Kalou's 24th birthday party last night. According to the Mirror, the players "worked their way through 20 bottles of vodka, 10 bottles of Jack Daniels, a £5,000 Jeroboam of Cristal and four £400 Quaich [.

Video: Craig Bellamy refuses to sign a Rangers shirt

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Man City reserve striker picky about where he puts his autograph When you have had as many clubs as Craig Bellamy it must be difficult to keep track of all your rivals. But after a 2005 loan spell at Parkhead the Welshman is still able to remember 'Celtic good, Rangers bad'. So when a Rangers fan tried [.

Is a singing fish Newcastle’s new messiah?

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Don't worry, be happy, Toon fans! Just when you think Newcastle's situation could not get any funnier they always manage to pull something out of the hat (or should that be river) to sink things to a new low. It now seems that the Magpies' latest takeover hope is being bankrolled by a singing fish. Businessman Barry [.

Video: Sweary Steve McClaren doesn’t like getting knocked out of Europe

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Schteve is inschensched Ex-England boss Steve McClaren was not best pleased to see his FC Twente side knocked out of the Champions League by a late Sporting Lisbon goal. He expressed his anger verbally to a global television audience! Spotted on 101GG


Video: Beware Bruce Grobbelaar in your fridge

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Ex-Liverpool keeper likes to keep his spaghetti legs refrigerated Bruce Grobbelaar has been scrambling in and out of household electrical appliances to promote bookmaker Paddy Power's money-back specials. Ol' Spaghetti Legs himself emerges from the fridge cash-in-hand to refund one lucky punter.


American team sells its hair for tickets

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Miami FC will go bald for a sell-out In an interesting attempt to shift tickets for their USL match against Puerto Rico Islanders, Miami FC have vowed to go bald if they get a sell-out. For every 500 tickets sold another member of the squad will shave their head. Brazilian coach Zinho and club president Aaron Davidson [.

Football soundalikes: Andrey Arshavin and the Compare The Market meerkat

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Gunners players find eet's seemple to mock team-mate Arsenal players have found a new way to tease Russian team-mate Andrey Arshavin. The squad apparently enjoy joking that he sounds like the Compare The Market meerkat. A "club source" told The Sun: "A few of the first team lads started it off and now the joke has spread [.

Video: Xabi Alonso is a nervous patient

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Man who secured dream move or man on deathbed? It is hardly a big secret that Xabi Alonso was desperate to join Real Madrid, but it seems his big move turned out to be a bit of an anti-climax. The ex-Liverpool midfielder could not even muster the trademark cheesy grin favoured by soon-to-be galacticos during the [.

Is your business struggling? Get tips from Juande Ramos

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Former Spurs boss wants to get your company back on track If OTP had to choose the meaning of the Juande Ramos Method we would plump for a little-known trance act comprising Arsene Wenger and Pat Rice or an obscure contraceptive technique. Sadly, it is neither of these things but the title of a new business [.

Portsmouth duo in drunken hotel brawl

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Pompey pair invent hotel wardrobe rail jousting Portsmouth's David Nugent and Marc Wilson were sent home from the club's pre-season tour of Portugal last week after a drunken fight in a hotel corridor. Armed with clothes rails from their wardrobes, the drunken duo squared up to each other at 5am on Sunday at the four-star Villa [.

Liverpool sell their slowest player for £30 million

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Farewell, Xabi Alonso, you self-confessed snail Good work in the transfer window by Rafa Benitez, if you believe Xabi Alonso. According to this interview he gave on the Liverpool squad last season, the Reds have managed to offload their worst trainer and their slowest player so far this summer.


Managers banned from talking about appointment of referees. Spoonerisms are the answer!

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Bosses gagged over match official mind-games Managers who pass comment on the appointment of referees to their matches before the game will now face disciplinary action. The FA has announced it has extended its rules to prevent coaches engaging in mind-games with referees before matches. An FA statement read: "Any media comments relating to appointed match officials [.

Peter Ndlovu allegedly beats up his girlfriend

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Ex-Coventry striker now gets his kicks by punching women Former Premier League star (well, former Premier League player with memorable surname who scored a couple of decent goals, at least) Peter Ndlovu has been arrested for allegedly beating up his girlfriend. The ex-Coventry, Norwich, Birmingham, Huddersfield and Sheffield United striker was arrested in South Africa after [.

Video: Tackled by the corner flag

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Flag foul Corinthians' Boquita was hoping to take a quick corner, but he had not counted on a cynical trip by the corner flag to stop him in his tracks. Spotted on 101GG


Arsenal target tries to force transfer with Darren Bent-esque rant

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Don't Chamakh me angry! Arsenal transfer target Marouane Chamakh has launched a tirade against current club Bordeaux in a bid to force through his transfer. The 25-year-old followed in the footsteps of Darren Bent when he publicly announced his anger at the slow progress of his proposed transfer. He said: "I am angry, I am disgusted and [.

Video: David Beckham scores against Barcelona

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Was it a free-kick by any chance? Yes, it was and a very good one too. Becks continued his task of winning over the LA Galaxy faithful with this goal in last night's friendly match against Barcelona. Beckham equalised on the stroke of half-time, but Barca eventually won the match 1-2. Video spotted on 101GG [.

Video: Cristiano Ronaldo scores goal and elbows people

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C-Ron Cristiano Ronaldo bagged his second Real Madrid goal, but again needed a penalty to help him to find the net. CR9 helped Real on the way to a 2-1 defeat to Juventus. The Portuguese penalty specialist also found time for a sneaky elbow on Juve's Hasan Salihamidžić. See it after the jump. Spotted on 101GG [.