Off the Post Archives for January 2009

Supporter banned by chairman for being an ‘ass’

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Non-league Taunton bars 'smart Alec' fan A Taunton Town fan has been banned from the club's ground because the chairman considers him to be an "ass" and a "smart Alec". Paul Chandler, aged 55, was formerly the chairman of the club's Supporters' Club until he raised concerns over the way the club was being run [.

More Lionel Messi drunkness

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Messi get messy, part deux As promised, here is the footage of Messi playing with a giant inflatable lollipop and staggering around the open-top bus. More Messiness here.

Terry Venables is more circumspect about short players after Champions League gaffe

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No top hats for Everton midfield Terry Venables has used his pre-FA Cup final newspaper column to tell the world that short midfielders can be effective. Earlier this week, OTP told you that prior to the Champions League Final, Venables took a pop at Lionel Messi's height only for the diminutive star to score a decisive [.

Which British band pumped-up Barcelona to do the treble?

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Coldplay, apparently Yes, you read correctly. It seems Pep Guardiola's secret weapon as his side won the Champions League was non other than master gloomy pop merchants Coldplay. The band, previously unable to uplift so much as the dust from their guitar amp, were Barca's motivational music of choice.

Which British band motivated and pumped-up Barcelona to do the treble?

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Coldplay, apparently Yes, you read correctly. It seems Pep Guardiola's secret weapon as his side won the Champions League was non other than master gloomy pop merchants Coldplay. The band, previously unable to uplift so much as the dust from their guitar amp, were Barca's motivational music of choice.

Jimmy Conrad indulges in some MLS opponent baiting (Facebook style)

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Social networking now available with free tactical advice USA international and Kansas City Wizards skipper Jimmy Conrad has been taking MLS psychological warfare to the pages of Facebook. The 32-year-old left a message on the wall of San Jose Earthquakes goalkeeper Joe Cannon offering some astute tactical observations.

Turkish chocolate bars’ viral budgets are not as big as Nike’s

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Ooh, look how hard he strikes the ball Every man and his dog knows that if you can get a funny viral doing the rounds on websites like Off The Post then you are on to a good thing. Unfortunately, the advertising team behind Turkish chocolate bar Metro don't have the money to spend on expensive [...]

John Barnes represents football in clash with cricket, tennis and rugby

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Jamaica boss takes on other sporting has-beens Ex-Liverpool and England star John Barnes is football's representative in a series of head-to-head clashes organised by Mars. Barnes will face tennis player Pat Cash, cricketer Darren Gough and rugby's Austin Healey as they old pros play each others' sports.

Video: Lionel Messi gets wasted

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Tiny Argentine gets boozed up for Barca celebrations The Barcelona team arrived back at the Nou Camp with the latest addition to their trophy collection and quite a fiesta ensued! Most of the squad looked like they might keel over at any given time, but nobody was quite as drunk as Lionel Messi. Dressed up as some [.

Hard Tackle: Cassetteboy riffs on homoerotic football punditry

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Extreme football innuendo Prepare to laugh loudly at this remix of some colourfully camp commentary moments, including Gary Lineker confessing to a secret crush on Boris Becker! Spotted on Pies

Setanta Sports commentator Jon Champion to live tweet FA Cup Final as he commentates

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Sounds like a recipe for disaster Setanta Sports' football coverage has not won too many plaudits thus far, so their decision to bring in the world's first "CommenTweeter" can be considered a bold/stupid move. Ex-ITV commentator Jon Champion will be live tweeting Saturday's FA Cup Final between Chelsea and Everton at the same time as his [.

Hard Tackle: Ji-Sung Park molests Andres Iniesta

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Barca had one hand on the trophy, whereas Ji-Sung Park... Presumably tired of following Andres Iniesta's shadow and chasing after his passes, Ji-Sung Park tries a different method of curbing the pasty midfielder's influence on the game!

Master tactician Terry Venables makes an astute observation on Cristiano Ronaldo v Lionel Messi

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El Tel's pre-match analysis backfires In our Top 10 conclusions, we mentioned that for all the C-Ron v Messi debate before the match we thought we at least knew who came out on top in the heading category, and it wouldn't have been the salmon-like Argentinian. Fortunately, unlike one very well-known former England and Barcelona coach, we [.

Lookalikes: Lionel Messi and a salmon

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Leap, Leo, leapUncanny, I'm sure you will agree.

Top 10 Champions League Final conclusions: Barcelona 2-0 Manchester United

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1. Barcelona were hungrier, quicker, more committed and - bottom line - better than Manchester United. The best team (by a mile) won. 2. What a coincidence. Wayne Rooney's boots go missing and then their owner go missing too. Anyone seen him, by the way? 3. Pep Guardiola truly is the next Jose Mourinho.

Video: Samuel Eto’o opens the scoring for Barcelona but can’t find a vein under the floodlights

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Barca hitman dying for a hit, man Any football manager worth his salt will tell you that after taking the lead in a big match, nothing calms the nerves like a bit of heroin. Samuel Eto'o was only too aware of this fact!

Let Uncle Eric Cantona get your really pumped up for the match

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ITV bring in United legend to voiceover their big build-up Not long to go now, folks. This ought to get you in the mood.

Why Manchester United can expect a better referee against Barcelona than Chelsea got

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Champions League Final ref gets blessing from the Pope When the Pope's not busy urging AIDS sufferers to shun condoms, he loves nothing better than blessing referees. So Manchester United and Barca go head-to-head tonight safe in the knowledge that referee Massimo Busacca has got the big guy upstairs on his side/conscience.

Click me

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Cristiano Ronaldo interviews himself

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Taking ego to new levels! In this hard-hitting interview, blazer-clad Cristiano Ronaldo ruthlessly grills blazer-less Cristiano Ronaldo. The Portuguese winger bemoans the same old stupid questions from his interviewer, but they do seem to have a laugh together. It's like he has finally found someone who understands him.

Come on! It’s Champions League Final time

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Look, even Google are excited The two best teams on the planet battling it out to become undisputed inter-galactic champions of the universe. Barcelona v Manchester United. Messi v Ronaldo. The match of the century. Winner takes all. Loser left to sob into their Nike shirt. The two best attacks in world football.

Dundalk player Dave Rogers sent-off and sacked for mooning fans

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Irish player bares his backside Strange action from the Republic of Ireland where Dundalk's Dave Rogers was sent-off and later sacked by his club for mooning fans of his former team St Patrick's Athletic in what has been dubbed 'Arse Gate'. Rogers cheeky actions were spotted by the linesman who immediately informed the referee.

Player punched in the face by mascot in Norwegian league

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Chinned by a Scandinavian bumble bee Odd Grenland sounds like the kind of club where there would be peculiar goings on, and that was certainly true this week. As the Norwegian outfit celebrated a 2-0 victory over Fredrikstad their mascot, Brodd the bee, got a little over-exuberant and punched opposition player Garðar Jóhannson on the [.

Video: Ryan Giggs and Thierry Henry’s Reebok viral

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Mainly promoting manly fun, Apple, courier services and books Ah, bless. I've been rooting for these two to get it together for years. This new Reebok viral is supposed to show Giggs and Henry psyching each other out ahead of tonight's Champions League Final. To be fair, they are just flirting with each.

Off The Post @Soccerlens Podcast

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The gang at Soccerlens very kindly invited me onto the latest edition of their podcast to discuss the Champions League Final and the final weekend of the Premier League season. I took the opportunity to inadvertently imply that Wayne Rooney was selecting the Manchester United team by using the word "he" rather than "Fergie"!

Off The Post’s Top 10 highlights of the 2008/09 Premier League season

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So the Premier League is done and dusted for another season. It's been emotional. Here are some of OTP's favourite moments of 08/09. Mike Riley sends off Frank Lampard (Spongebob edition) 1. Getting banned from sponsoring poor West Brom We tried to help out the poor plain-shirted Baggies, but the authorities were having none of it!

Hard Tackle: Cristiano Ronaldo still can’t resist his team-mates’ genitals

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C-Ron ponders whether Anderson dresses to the left or the right It seems Cristiano Ronaldo's watershed moment wasn't as much of a watershed as we thought. The Manchester United winger is still strangely weighing up the possibility of a change of sexual preference. And to help him with his a decision, he is still staring at [.

God gets promoted to the Premier League

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Holy Owen Coyle and co reach the big time Congratulations to Burnley on winning promotion to the Premier League. Manager Owen Coyle was recently hailed as being God by a banner at Wrestlemania 25, and he has certainly worked wonders to get the Clarets into the top-flight. And who could forget the Miracle of Turf Moor?

KC Karaoke with Hull City manager Phil Brown

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Who gave that man a mic? Managers who bring unfashionable clubs into the Premier League and experience a degree of success usually find themselves to be quite popular with neutrals. Phil Brown has managed to avoid any such sentiments, and it is mainly due to moments like this one. Off The Post didn't have anything against him [.

Top 10 relegation bargain buys

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Going down... in price at least 1. Michael Owen The ultimate bargain buy. He always looked likely to leave Newcastle at the end of the season, and he definitely will now. Don't believe the talk that he is past it - if he manages an injury-free pre-season and is playing in a decent side, he will still [.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League 24 May

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1. Newcastle weren't too good to go down after all. But I think relegation might benefit the club long-term. Mike Ashley will have to drop his price and might find a buyer, a lot of the deadwood will want to leave the club, and some of the youngsters will be given the opportunity to prove [...]

West Brom fans’ mask tribute to Tony Mowbray

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Putting on a brave face for relegation OTP told you about West Brom fans' plan to wear Tony Mowbray masks for yesterday's trip to Blackburn Rovers. The already doomed Baggies took the decision to don their manager's face as a show of solidarity. Not every single fan took up the offer of a mask, and some chose [.

Newcastle United’s webmaster seemingly retains his sense of humour

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Phophetic words from the club shop That's whatever is in the box set priced at £10 - the bloke on the right is even cheaper. Let Newcastle's unbelievable end of season sale commence. Move quickly if you want Sebastien Bassong or Obafemi Martins because you don't want to be stuck with old tat that nobody else [.

Sir Alex Ferguson condemns fan to suicide

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RIP Andrew Marshall Off The Post is sad to report the imminent death of one Andrew Marshall. Mr Marshall chose Wikipedia as a suitable medium to tell the world that he would shoot himself if Ritchie De Laet ever played a Premier League game for Manchester United. The Wiki-boast came in the wake of the Belgian youngster's [.

Fabio Capello gives surprise England call-up to injured Derby County midfielder

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Beeb journalist doesn't get the rub of the Green At first we thought it was strange that the BBC was reporting that Derby County midfielder Paul Green had been called up to play in goals for England despite having a broken metatarsal. Then we re-read the line above and realised it was "after due to David [.

Zinedine Zidane pimps Adidas’ new F50i boots

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Manchester United announce full-strength squad to take on Hull

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Full-strength reserve squad, that is! After all the posturing, legal threats, promises, denials etc., Manchester United have announced their squad to face Hull City on Sunday. And it reads like a who's who of reserve team football! First-team strength is provided by Rio Ferdinand, who is supposed to be proving his fitness, and Gary Neville, Wes Brown [.

The Uefa Cup Final cat pitch invasion

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Feline sub limbers up on the touchline Hot on the heels of the Old Trafford mouse (though thankfully not literally, child-like impressionable OTP readers), is the Uefa Cup Final cat. Having no doubt risked several of his nine lives simply by being in the vicinity of a Turkish football stadium, the cat then paced up and [.

The Daft Punt

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There isn't much in football that can be as exciting or as unpredictable as play-off final weekend. After a long season full of hard work, it all comes down to one game at Wembley to see who is going to win promotion from League Two, League One and the Championship. No matter what happens, there will [.

Click me please. Then scroll on at your leisure

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GIF It: Newcastle owner Mike Ashley combines his two main business interests

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Everything must go Newcastle United and Sports Direct owner Mike Ashley is preparing to get his summer sale under way just as soon as his club's relegation is confirmed. And he has got a novel way of shifting some unwanted stock!

Ian Holloway is back and is as brilliant as ever!

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New Blackpool boss has got OTP in stitches already Ian Holloway has only been in the Blackpool hot-seat for a day and he is already reminding us what we have been missing since he was sacked by Leicester. Holloway compared his stint with the Foxes to an extra-marital affair. He said: "What I wanna do now is [.

Top 10 surprisingly good Premier League players

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The top-flight players who were not as crap as we expected 1. Titus Bramble We are not sure whether Dr Steve Bruce prescribed a pre-season course of Ritalin, but Bramble's concentration has improved beyond recognition. And because he is making fewer mistakes, he is now more confident and beginning to fulfil his early promise.

Liverpool release statement condemning US radio host Steven Cohen

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Reds see red over Hillsborough comments Last month OTP told you about the myths and lies about Hillsborough being pedalled by World Soccer Daily radio host Steven Cohen. The UK-born DJ recently apologised for his comments (which can be read here), which makes the Liverpool club statement released yesterday about as prompt as Rio Ferdinand turning up [.

Manchester United’s Cristiano Ronaldo makes decision on future

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He's definitely going to be either a cowboy, a Cossack, a beach bum or a husband As if Cristiano Ronaldo's future wasn't a hot enough topic already, Portugues bank Banco Espirito Santo have decided to cash-in by getting the Manchester United winger to ponder where he will be in three years. The options are quite varied, the [.

‘Do Are Ya? Mario Balotelli

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Inter striker celebrates title victory with new barnet Inter Milan's Mario Balotelli celebrated his side clinching its 17th Scudetto victory by commissioning a special Inter Milan number 17-themed doormat for his head. It is quite something. I'm still hoping beyond hope that Wayne Rooney might fashion his last four remaining hairs into a number 18 for the [.

FC United go to war with Premier League over ticket prices

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Non-leaguers hit back at claims that they are more expensive than Bolton Manchester United breakaway club FC United have hit out at Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore over his suggestion that it is cheaper to watch Bolton play in the top-flight than to watch the non-league outfit. Scudamore reportedly told a radio show: "They are charging [.

Church re-writes hymns to help Newcastle

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They might be beyond even divine intervention The Reverend Glyn Evans, the vicar of St Andrew's Church in Newcastle and chaplain to Newcastle United, has rounded up his congregation to re-write a couple of hymns in a bid to help the Magpies in their relegation fight. Hopefully the footballing Gods are not impressed by being able to [.

Birmingham City is a person

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So spake the Daily Mail Birmingham City is the first man to be promoted to the Premier League. As you can imagine, he doesn't quite have the financial clout of an entire football club. You read it here first. Unless you read the Daily Mail before you read Off The Post, in which case your opinion doesn't [.

Dimitar Berbatov - champion javelin thrower

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Berba all set for 2012 If you were wondering whether Usain Bolt's visit to Manchester United's Carrington training ground might be an unnecessary distraction a couple of weeks before a Champions League Final, it looks like you might have been right. United's squad has gone track and field crazy, with Bulgarian striker Dimitar Berbatov now in training [.

Video: Italian TV catches footballers speeding

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It's only a bit of fun The premise for this TV show is so stupid that it is actually genius. It would never get off the ground in England because a) the players would moan about an invasion of their privacy; and b) the public outcry and reams of Daily Mail editorials after the first edition [...]

Be careful what you wish for, George Boateng

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Hull midfielder could be in for a surprise George Boateng might have just unleashed a world of pain after specifically requesting to face Manchester United's secret weapon in Hull's relegation crunch match on Sunday. He said: "I wouldn't expect them to do us any favours. But three days later United have a massive Champions League Final, so [.

Kitman: Bolton to fill Premier League barcode quota

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Gary Megson's black-and-white army Newcastle fans have long faced jibes about being a bunch of walking barcodes because of their famous black and white stripes, but Bolton are ready to step in to fill the void should the Magpies be relegated on Sunday. The detailing on their new home strip (spotted on Twofootedtackle) is more barcode-ish [.

Video: Angry German goalkeeper rips his shirt

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In-form keeper is not pleased to concede Eintracht Frankfurt keeper Markus Pröll did everything he could to help his side against Bochum at the weekend. In the video above we see him making two double saves. He then makes another impressive point-blank save, but the slow reactions of his team-mates mean he eventually concedes from the [.

Manchester United player revs up the lawyers of Newcastle, Middlesbrough and Sunderland

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Belgian youngster drops his team in it by stating the obvious Manchester United fringe player Ritchie De Laet has left lawyers at the three relegation-threatened North East clubs circling around Old Trafford after suggesting Sir Alex Ferguson will field a weakened side against Hull City on the final day of the season.

Off The Post is up for some awards, luvvies

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A vote for OTP is a vote for more of the same The gang at EPL Talk have created themselves some end-of-season work by launching an awards extravaganza. Off The Post is nominated for Best EPL Blog, and Rob Parker (that would be me) is nominated for Best EPL Blogger. So, thanks to The Gaffer for [...]

Newcastle in line to become best-supported club to relegated. Ever

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St James' Park's dropping attendance figures are still higher than they should be Newcastle United's defeat to Fulham on Saturday was their final home fixture of the season. And the big crowd that got behind the Magpies and roared them to the brink of relegation helped to put the club on the verge of getting into [.

Watch this video please

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The best of ‘Do Are Ya? 2008/09

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This season's worst footballing hairstyles Have we missed any personal favourites?

Manchester United fans and their trophies now welcome at Anfield

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Liverpool fans forced to eat retro humble pie Thanks to Football Banter for digging up this old Liverpool banner from 1994 advising Man Yoo fans to come back when they have won 18 titles. Well, that day was Saturday and, perhaps most gutting for Liverpool fans, they have failed to move the target in the 15 [.

Video: Manchester United’s trophy celebration (including Cristiano Ronaldo rocking out to Glory Glory Man United

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He may not know the words, but he's sure going to singalong anyway Comedy headbanging begins 1min 40secs. Ends 1min 43secs!

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 16-17 May

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1. Congratulations to Manchester United. Over the course of a 38-game league season the best team usually triumphs and that is certainly true on this occasion. 2. West Brom will be tearing the Championship apart next season. They were found lacking in either the quality to play the football they wanted to play against Premier League [.

Roman Bednar allegedly inadvertently admits supplying cocaine

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West Brom striker tries to avoid football ban with possible jail-time Roman Bednar looks to be in it up to his neck after the News of the World ran a story which seemingly caught the Czech striker buying cocaine and cannabis outside his home. The 26-year-old has been suspended by West Brom for allegedly purchasing the [.

Rangers’ Kyle Lafferty cheats to get Aberdeen’s Charlie Mulgrew sent-off

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A fake headbutt Rangers striker Kyle Lafferty's on-field contributions to the club's title challenge have been next to none, but he can now at least take pride in reducing Aberdeen to 10 men during Saturday's match. Lafferty squared up to Charlie Mulgrew before feigning a headbutt and hitting the deck like a sack of spuds.

Usain Bolt visits Manchester United

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Fastest man on the planet gives Cristiano Ronaldo sprint tips Most Premier League defenders would probably argue he doesn't really need them, but Cristiano Ronaldo has received some speed advice from triple Olympic goal medalist Usain Bolt. The Jamaican sprinter had promised to meet up with his Manchester United heroes for sprint lessons and kept his [.

Eduardo pays for taxi for West Ham fan

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Either that or Arsenal's PR team has infiltrated a Spurs forum! Arsenal striker Eduardo apparently paid for a taxi to ensure a West Ham fan with a dodgy foot got home safely! The Croatia international took pity on the chap who had waited outside the restaurant where Eduardo and his wife were dining for an hour-and-a-half [.

Rangers’ Kirk Broadfoot left with egg on his face after poaching mishap

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Scotland internation burnt by exploding egg Rangers full-back Kirk Broadfoot has received hospital treatment for scalds to his cheek after a microwaved egg exploded in his face last Sunday. The 25-year-old was inspecting his culinary masterpiece when one of two eggs he had poached blew up and squirted boiling water into his face.

Top 10 community service footballers

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The players who took football in the community a bit too far 1. Joey Barton The Newcastle midfielder (for now at least) continued to clock up the 200 hours of community service he was given for assaulting former Manchester City team-mates Ousmane Dabo. He spent four hours cleaning up Newcastle Falcons rugby union ground 2.

Socceroo charged with sex with a 13-year-old girl

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A-League player suspended over allegations A Sydney FC and Australia under-20 player has been suspended after he was charged with engaging in a sexual act with 13-year-old girl. Sebastian Ryall, aged 19, has been suspended from club and international matches until at least September, and this ban will continue until the case has been determined.

Video: Potential Chelsea coach Carlo Ancelotti enjoys karaoke on TV

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But does he know the words to Blue Is The Colour? Current AC Milan coach and almost certainly Chelsea's next boss, Carlo Ancelotti, took time out from his busy schedule to have a bit of a sing-song on Italian TV. The 49-year-old gave a rousing rendition of ‘la societa dei magnaccioni', a traditional Roman song.

Millwall have a new ticket office… a motorway service station on M1

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West Yorkshire Police tackle hooliganism by making fans collect tickets in service station on matchday! Millwall fans have been offered the chance to pick up a League One play-off semi-final ticket, a Big Whopper and a Costa Coffee in one go. Lions supporters' tickets for tonight's clash with Leeds are only being made available today, and [.

Video: Wayne Rooney nearly does a Steve Morrow

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Carrick scores, Fergie winces Michael Carrick's late winner against Wigan last night all but wrapped up the Premier League title - but it nearly ensured Wayne Rooney ruled himself out of the Champions League final too. Over-excited Roo decided to celebrate the goal by jumping on Carrick's back. Unfortunately, the combination of Carrick being a moving target, [.

Video: Carlos Tevez scores outrageous backheel, starts argument

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Tevez helps wrap up the title Manchester United fans who watched Carlos Tevez come of the bench to get them back into the match against Wigan with this cheeky backheel responded with chants of: "Fergie, Fergie, sign him up." The intended target of the chant responded post-match by saying he was attempted to do that.

Hearts to send Marius Zaliukas for anger management classes

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Dirty defender set for therapy Hearts are considering sending defender Marius Zaliukas on an anger management course after he received his fourth red card of the season against Aberdeen on Tuesday night. The automatic five-match suspension will take the Lithuanian up to 18 games missed through suspension this season!

FC United fans told: ‘Name the price for your season ticket’

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Non-league outfit take a leaf out of Radiohead's book  FC United have come up with a novel way of ensuring they don't lose fans during the current recession – they've asked them to decide their own season ticket price. This is obviously good news for anyone who was planning to sell their soul to pay for [.

Chelsea star Michael Essien sues woman who says she is his wife

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Ghanaian midfielder takes ex-lover to court in homeland Michael Essien is suing a woman who claims to be his wife. Dela Ackumey, an ex-girlfriend of Essien's, alleges that the Chelsea man had performed customary marriage rites while they were together. At first I thought this might be a euphemism. It's not but the truth is equally [.

Gazza hits out at Spurs booze ban

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Recovering alcoholic recommends drink to deal with stress Ex-Spurs star Paul Gascoigne has some words of wisdom for the club's current stars. The recovering alcoholic says footballers SHOULD be allowed to get drunk occasionally, to help them cope with the pressures of the game. Earlier this week we told you about Harry Redknapp's has decision to re-ban [.

Your chance to get your hands on the FA Cup

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Lift the virtual FA Cup This sounds pretty cool. Apparently, FA Cup sponsor E.ON has created a website that will allow you to virtually lift the FA Cup. Footage of you sitting at your computer will be super-imposed onto Wembley Stadium and you will be able to lift the trophy, OTP is informed, using something called [.

Hard Tackle: A watershed moment in Cristiano Ronaldo’s sex life

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C-Ron re-evaluates his sexual preferences Manchester United star Cristiano Ronaldo is clearly taken aback when he spots a team-mate's bulge and begins to mull over a few things. Spotted on Dirty Tackle

Top 10 scariest price tags

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Any fan of football clichés (Gael excluded, Mr Pleat) knows the best way for a club to keep a player they want is to slap a price tag on him. Inspired by Gary Megson's £20 million valuation of Gary Cahill, here are some of the scary price tags currently keeping the vultures at bay (in [...]

Video: He’s not the Messiah - he’s Graham Alexander

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Disabled fan mysteriously healed by Burnley goal Britain, Britain, Britain... This mobile phone footage from the Championship play-off match between Burnley and Reading truly is a miracle for the digital age. As Graham Alexander gives the Clarets an 84th minute lead from the penalty spot, one fan suddenly finds he can walk again!

Top five conclusions Newcastle 3-1 Middlesbrough

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1. Middlesbrough are down. Newcastle are not safe, but Middlesbrough are down. 2. I'm not convinced that bringing on Obafemi Martins for a fairly ineffectual Michael Owen suddenly makes Alan Shearer a tactical genius, but Martins' goal could be absolutely priceless. 3. The start of the first-half was exciting, pulsating, and had some good football (particularly from [.

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp re-bans booze

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Spurs players are going teetotal... again! In the wake of Ledley King's arrest, it looks like Harry Redknapp has decided it is time to ban Spurs players from drinking alcohol after a series of embarrassing booze-related incidents (many including King, it has to be said). The only problem is, that means that not only did the [.

Video: Henrik Larsson inflicts torture by football

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'And now for your face...' Former Celtic and Barcelona star Henrik Larsson had always suggested that he would see out his career in Swedish football at his home town club as a thank you to a supportive public. But this video suggests that he just wanted to get a kick out of bullying his small-time compatriots.

Help pay OTP’s bills

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Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger is a) a hypocrite and b) wrong

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The Professor might like to watch this video and climb off his high horse Arsene Wenger has been frantically hunting around for scapegoats after a disastrous week for Arsenal and thought he had got one in the shape of Public Whipping Boy of the Week, Didier Drogba. Wenger claimed that the Chelsea striker had dived to [.

Top five Manchester United stars who fell out with Sir Alex Ferguson

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After C-Ron's strop, we look at five Man Yoo stars who have already walked the tight-rope of dissing SAF 1. David Beckham There once close relationship began to unravel as Becks immersed himself increasingly in a celebrity lifestyle. He was on the receiving end of the infamous hairdryer treatment after being given permission to skip training to [.

Lookalikes: Tony Mowbray and his West Brom tribute mask

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This is the mask... smokin' Remember we told you that West Brom fans were plotting a mask tribute to Tony Mowbray for the final game of the season? Well, here is a sneak preview of the mask. Organiser Dean Walton, of, kindly sent the photo in. He said: " will hand out a Tony Mowbray mask [.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 9-10 May

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1. Cristiano Ronaldo is a big baby. OK, that is probably not a startling conclusion but yesterday was special even by his standards. I don't think Fergie would have taken that from any of his previous stars. We will find out whether he has mellowed. 2. If Arsenal v Chelsea was the losers final, then [.

Video: Cristiano Ronaldo’s substitution tantrum

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Just as well he has never played for Rafa With Manchester United coasting to victory against rivals Manchester City, and his name on the scoresheet, and three more league games and a Champions League final to follow, and Wayne Rooney on the bench, Cristiano Ronaldo showed the kind of selflessness and maturity we have come to [.

Video: Reading’s Andre Bikey loses it big time

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Like Didier Drogba with ADHD Andre Bikey is angry. Andre Bikey wants to play in the Premier League again. Andre Bikey wants to help Reading get promoted. Unfortunately, Andre Bikey wants to be able to stamp on people and get away with it. The Reading defender confirmed suspicions that he is mad as a hatter by stamping [.

Hard Tackle: Alex gets molested

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aka Frank Lampard perfects his Ray Charles impression Chelsea centre-back Alex begins to suspect his team-mates had an ulterior motive for suggesting an innocent game of blind man's buff. Thanks to OTP reader Usama for the spot.

Video: West Brom keeper Dean Kiely tries to get the linesman substituted

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Amateur pitchside semaphore f Veteran West Brom goalie Dean Kiely was not only the best player on the park against Wigan on Saturday, he also proved that even in the midst of a relegation dogfight you can still play with a smile on your face. Kiely was first on the scene when the referee's assistant went [.

Video: A mouse joins in the Manchester derby

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If you thought Carlos Tevez was the shortest person involved in the action at Old Trafford today, think again. The little chap in the video above was scampering down the wing like Cristiano Ronaldo at his best (although the groundsman probably won't be too pleased to see that he spent most of his time on [.

Nicklas Bendtner and the phantom schoolboy prankster

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Arsene Wenger defends his star flasher Arsenal boss Arsene Wenger has defended trouser-less striker Nicklas Bendtner, claiming the Dane was not drunk as he left a nightclub at 4am and was set up by a mystery prankster. That was the story offered up by Bendtner and Wenger seems to have bought it. He said: "I was [.

Video: Didier Drogba It’s a f***ing disgrace hip-hop remix

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In case you hadn't guessed, NSFW language! At one time, Chelsea striker Didier Drogba was supposedly releasing a rap album under the alias Drogbacite. OTP doesn't think this ever saw the light of day but if it did, it probably wasn't as good as this hip-hop remix of his swearing rant at a camera on Wednesday [.

Top 10 death threat referees

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The refs who were told they would be officiating with the fishes 1. Anders Frisk The original Chelsea-Barcelona death-threatened referee. The Swedish official retired in 2005 after officiating between the two sides in a Champions League match. Jose Mourinho claimed Frank Rijkaard had been seen entering Frisk's room at half-time.

More Chelsea-Barca spookiness: Andres Iniesta scored a late winner against Chelsea 10 years ago

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And guess who was delighted to be watching from the touchlines? Following Andres Iniesta's last-gasp winning goal against Chelsea on Wednesday night, the Spanish press have raked up this spooky video from a decade earlier. The footage comes from a Nike Cup match between the youth teams of Chelsea and Barcelona.

The Daft Punt

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OTP's fortnightly betting column This is possibly one of the most exciting times for football betting. Not only is every single game significant as the Premier League season draws to close, but the Football League play-offs are under way as well. A cheeky fiver on who is going to come up from League Two?

Video: Hearts fan tries to attack Hibs goalscorer Derek Riordan

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Pitch invader takes offence to penalty being scored Hibs' Derek Riordan very nearly got a punch to the head for his troubles after scoring the winning goal in the Edinburgh derby against Hearts. Jambos fans invaded the pitch after Riordan converted a 79th-minute penalty, and at least one looked intent on taking a swing at the [.

Chelsea fans angry that Uefa website predicted 1-1 draw

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How did you know that? Chelsea conspiracy theorists still reeling from referee Tom Henning Ovrebo's performance in the Champions League defeat to Barcelona have got a new line of attack after it emerged that Uefa's official website predicted the 1-1 result. A test live match report on the site correctly predicted the correct score and that Barca [.

Video: Hamburg knocked out of Uefa Cup by a ball of paper

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Significant stationery Cheer up, Chelsea fans. At least you have a living, breathing (despite the threats) human being to vent your hatred towards. Supporters have Hamburg have been forced to lay the blame for their European exit with a humble ball of paper. Defender Michael Gravgaard was lining up a simple backpass to his keeper when the [.

Irony corner: Chelsea nutters write to Tom Henning Ovrebo’s psychology clinic

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You're writing to the right person for the wrong reasons Internet sites and forums (including this one) have been bombarded with posts giving out the address of Norwegian referee Tom Henning Ovrebo, encouraging hate mail following his performance in the Chelsea-Barcelona match last night. The delicious part of this is that the address that is readily [.

GIF It: Chelsea-Barca referee Tom Henning Ovrebo turns have-a-go hero

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Tom!!!! We've already brought you the hilarious GIF of Michael Ballack chasing referee Tom Henning Ovrebo at the end of last night's Champions League semi-final between Chelsea and Barcelona. Since then a whole host of people armed with decent computer software and a warped imagination have set to work re-imagining the scene through the eyes of [.

Roy Keane’s interesting choice of backroom staff

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Not just any old assistant - a man's best friend After an extended stint at home, new Ipswich Town boss Roy Keane has apparently found it difficult to part company with his beloved Triggs every morning. This Photoshop effort is as funny as it is disturbing. Any new-ish readers who missed this post and want to entertain [.

Chelsea True Blue Membership package competition winner

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Thanks to everyone who entered our competition to win a Chelsea True Blue Membership package worth £100. Today seemed like a good day to cheer up at least one Blues fan! The answer, of course, was Deco and the winner, picked at random by our crack team of dart-throwing monkeys is Chris Galloway. Congratulations, Chris.

West Brom fans to don Tony Mowbray masks for final day fancy dress

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More dour faces than you can shake a stick at West Brom supporters are marking their return to Championship football with a public display of confidence in manager Tony Mowbray. Instead of adopting the traditional fancy dress theme, Baggies fans will wear lifelike masks of Mowbray. Almost 2,000 Albion fans are expected to put on Mowbray [.

GIF It: Chelsea’s Michael Ballack tries to eat referee Tom Henning Ovrebo

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Benny Hill meets the Discovery Channel Michael Ballack: part past his prime midfielder, part bear. Here he is chasing referee Tom Henning Ovrebo down the touchline after his appeal for a last-gasp penalty for handball by Gerard Pique was turned down. He genuinely seems to be very close to mauling the guy to death.

Top 10 conclusions Chelsea 1-1 Barcelona

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1. Yet again we are going to spend the aftermath of a big match talking about refereeing decisions rather than the football itself. Tom Henning Ovrebo had a bit of a nightmare. OK, a lot of a nightmare. In Barca's defence, he reserved his worst decision for them - there is no way Eric Abidal [...]

Video: Didier Drogba loses it completely and swears at a TV camera

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Didier goes loco Where I can come from we have a name for people who walk around in flip-flops swearing at electrical appliances. Actually, we don't but we should probably come up with one. Anyhow, here is Chelsea's Didier Drogba trotting onto the pitch in his airiest footwear to harass a referee before dropping the F-bomb on [.

Video: Michael Essien’s beautiful left-footed volley give Chelsea the lead against Barcelona

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What a corker! POW! This goal deserves Batman-style captions! Pick that one out of the net. Early goals (and very good goals) have been in abundance in these semi-finals.

Video Lookalike: Nicklas Bendtner and Neil from The Inbetweeners

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I wasn't w***ing! My c***'s cut! Thanks to OTP reader Matt whose near-genius comment on our post showing Nicklas Bendtner being escorted out of a nightclub with his trousers down prompted this video lookalike. As you can see, there are startling similarities between the Bendtner incident and an episode involving Neil in current fashionable youth sitcom [.

Sir Alex Ferguson blanks David Beckham

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SAF got attitude One of the most notable onlookers at the Emirates Stadium last night was David Beckham. But Sir Alex Ferguson wasn't going to let bygones be bygones. He totally blanked Becks and cuddled up to Fabio Capello instead as his ex-player stood around looking like a spare part. Hilarious video footage of this to follow [.

Arsenal’s Nicklas Bendtner thrown out of nightclub with his trousers down!

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Nick-flash Bedtner By the look of the photos emerging from last night, Arsenal striker Nicklas Bendtner not only drowned his sorrows but subjected them to a flood of biblical proportions. The Dane was escorted from the premises of London nightclub Boujis with his trousers hanging halfway down his legs at 4am this morning.

Hard Tackle: Cristiano Ronaldo gets passionate with Rio Ferdinand

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Touchline tongues Continuing the Campness of Cristiano, Ronaldo has already bought underwear for another man, confessed to liking George Michael and Elton John, and expressed a desire to be just like Sir Cliff Richard. But snogging another man does sort of take things to a new level. The excitement of beating Arsenal and getting through to the [.

Video: When Ronaldo met Hugh Jackman

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Complete strangers meet to exchange gifts in front of cameras Christmas in the Jackman household must be a wonderful time. Not only does Hugh buy terrible presents, he also buys them about two sizes too small for the recipient. But the size issue is just one of many reasons why you will never see Originaldo wearing [.

Video: Darren Fletcher red card and Robin Van Persie penalty

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Harsh, very harsh That is not a penalty as far as I can see. Darren Fletcher gets his foot to the ball before making contact with Cesc Fabregas. You have got to feel sorry for Fletcher. A real unsung hero in United's team and now he will miss the final on the basis of a pretty [...]

Top 10 conclusions Arsenal 1-3 Manchester United

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1. After all the talk of a tight match - from Sir Alex Ferguson - and a sneaky Arsenal win - from Arsene Wenger - it just goes to show that football managers (and the rest of us) don't know anything! 2. How ironic that after the GIF that has been doing the rounds all week, [...]

Video: Manchester United’s stunning third goal finished by Cristiano Ronaldo

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And started by him too That is just too good from Manchester United. The move starts with a lovely backheel flick from Cristiano Ronaldo. What follows is crisp, counter-attacking football, and C-Ron is there at the end to finish it off. Brilliant goal.

Video: Darren Fletcher red card and Emmanuel Adebayor penalty

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Harsh, very harsh That is not a penalty as far as I can see. Darren Fletcher gets his foot to the ball before making contact with Cesc Fabregas. You have got to feel sorry for Fletcher. A real unsung hero in United's team and now he will miss the final on the basis of a pretty [...]

Video: Cristiano Ronaldo’s long-range free-kick against Arsenal

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That looks like game over, Gooners Woah! What is going on? We had been led to believe that this was going to be a tight and tense affair, but it looks like Manchester United are going to take this tie at a canter. It is a trademark free-kick from Cristiano Ronaldo, struck with the usual venom, but [.

Video: Ji-Sung Park gives Manchester United an early lead over Arsenal

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United in driving seat in Champions League semi Ji-Sung Park seems to have hit a handy patch of goalscoring form for Manchester United. An untimely slip from Arsenal youngster Kieran Gibbs gifted him this pretty easy finish in the eighth minute.

Video: Mexican footballer suspended for pretending to spread swine flu

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When spitting at your opponent becomes a diplomatic incident Chivas defender Hector Reynoso has been suspended from the Copa Libertadores tournament after telling an opponent he had swine flu and attempting to 'infect' him with the virus. The Mexican is reported to have admitted to being infected with the piggy sniffles before he coughed and fired [.

Cristiano Ronaldo wants to be Cliff Richard

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C-Ron's going on a summer holiday... Regular readers of OTP will know that we have been tracking Cristiano Ronaldo's rapid descent into campness. First there was the news that he had bought £2,500 of underwear for team-mate Danny Welbeck. Then, this morning we told you of the Man Yoo star's revelations about his musical tastes.

John Carew’s Ashley Young cuddly toy available now from all good retailers

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Pick up yours today If like Ashley Young you dream of being swept off your feet by a tall, dark, handsome man with a penchant for lap-dancing clubs, the key to your success is to provide an easy tap-in for John Carew. Much like the one Young gave Carew against Hull City last night. [...]

Trash talk of the Toon: Alan Shearer and Joey Barton ruck, but keep the language relatively mild

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Magpies continue to deal in low-level insults Newcastle United fans have had to watch some embarrassing football this season, but they have also had to listen to some equally embarrassing trash talk. Remember Steven Taylor's spat with Cristiano Ronaldo? That really got personal. And now Alan Shearer and Joey Barton have gone head-to-head (literally) for a playground [.

The real source of Newcastle United’s problems

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If you thought the Magpies were facing an uphill struggle... Forget bad tactics, Cockney mafia, constant upheaval, poor defenders, the wrong Messiah and any other reasons you might have for Newcastle United's current plight. The real reason the find themselves in the relegation zone is the St James' Park slope.

Video: Nike whets your appetite for Arsenal v Manchester United

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Witness the moment As we get ready for the big match tonight, here is the Nike Ignite viral we first brought you in February to give you a little glimpse of the blood and thunder that is to come. Although I presume ITV won't be shooting it quite as arty farty as this. Is that first-leg goalscoring [.

Cristiano Ronaldo likes music for people who don’t like music

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Man Yoo star can't get enough of Sade, Phil Collins and George Michael Are so dull that when asked to share your musical likes on Facebook (or in real-life), you have to respond with things like "All sorts really" or "A bit of everything"? Well that can all change now that world renowned web designer Cris [.

Video: Jeff Stelling lives out last day highs and lows live on Soccer Saturday

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Hartlepool give Jeff the jitters Jeff Stelling has never been shy about the fact that he is a Hartlepool United fan. But his performance on the final day of the Football League season pushed impartiality even further out of the window as he watched his beloved Pool attempt to secure League One survival.

Cristiano Ronaldo showers a teenager with £2,500 of underwear

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Did we mention it was Danny Welbeck? Cristiano Ronaldo has spent £2,500 on Calvin Klein underwear for team-mate Danny Welbeck. The youngster's admission that he buys all his underwear from bargain high street store Primark proved a source of fun-poking for many of United's squad. But it was too much for C-Ron's designer sensibilities.

Video: Comedy own goal from Turkish keeper Souleymanou Hamidou

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The crossbar giveth with one hand... This hilarious own goal comes from the Turkish league match between Kayserispor and Trabzonspor. Kayserispor goalkeeper Souleymanou Hamidou briefly has a new best friend in the form of his crossbar after a shot that had beaten him rebounded off the woodwork. The crossbar has different ideas.

Video: Corinthians captain set on fire in victory celebration

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Oops, we set light to the skipper Corinthians' Paulista championship victory over Santos was overshadowed by the trophy celebration, which saw captain William set on fire. The skipper was on a podium covered in confetti to collect the cup when the array of fireworks sent both confetti and captain up in flames.

Hard Tackle: Alex McLeish and Kevin Phillips

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Just hold me After Alex McLeish guided Birmingham back into the Premier League at the first time of asking (congratulations, Blues), Kevin Phillips just wanted to be close to his manager. Just look how delicately Phillips' hand is placed upon Big Eck's shoulder. They may or may not have enjoyed a tango up and down the [.

Watch this vid

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New sponsor proud to back Spurs… erm, I mean Wolves

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Kit cock-up Wolverhampton Wanderers are already enjoying the trappings of life in the Premier League as they launched their new kit for their return to the top-flight. New sponsors came along to welcome Wolves back to the big time. Or not. The company's chief executive, Andrew McIver, managed to refer to Wolves as Spurs three [.

‘Do Are Ya? Florent Malouda’s teeny-tiny ponytail

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Spiky! Chelsea's Florent Malouda clearly has secret powers in his tiny ponytail. The Frenchman turned in one of his finest performances in a Blues shirt sporting the tiny spike sprouting from the top of his skill. Could oast house chic be the Premier League's next big thing? If that's lost on you, see what we mean [.

Video: Marc Overmars breaks his leg

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Spot the moment multi-millionaire wishes he'd stayed retired Former Arsenal and Barcelona Marc Overmars was a shining example of what footballers ought to do when they hang up his boots. No sorry tales of drink, drugs and depression here, the Flying Dutchman did well out of football and invested his money wisely.

Paul Gascoigne scores goal on return to the pitch

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Troubled star finds net at Darlington Gazza marked his return to the football pitch by scoring a penalty. The ex-England star was taking part in a fund-raising match for cash-strapped Darlington. The Quakers are in administration and organised a match between an Allstars XI and Darlo's 1999-2000 play-off team.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 2-3 May

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1. Defeats for the bottom eight (excluding Hull who play tonight). Does anyone actually want to stay in this division?! 2. Portsmouth's defenders were obviously doing their bit to prevent the spread of swine flu by giving quarantined Carlos Vela plenty of room to fire home Arsenal's third goal. 3. Chelsea should try 4-4-2 more often.

Video: Real Madrid 2-6 Barcelona highlights

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La Liga title race = over Chelsea will be hoping that this wasn't as easy as it looked and that Barcelona actually exerted a lot of energy in the course of totally humiliating Real Madrid!

Video: Jose Mourinho thinks he’s Maradona

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Special One scores special goal This video makes you wonder why Jose Mourinho bothered to build a squad at Chelsea - he clearly could have done it all by himself! He breaks up play like Claude Makelele, dribbles like Joe Cole, and finishes like Didier Drogba. He celebrates like Jose Mourinho. Spotted on 101GG [.

Things we heard today: James Vaughan’s auntie claiming her nephew will be bigger than Wayne Rooney

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Not in the waist department, you understand Off The Post was having a nice relaxing afternoon at the beach when its Mahou-induced snooze was interrupted by a shrill Scouse accent cutting through the air (OK, she was fairly well spoken. Liverpool posh, I think they call it). The woman owned a bar at the beach, near famous [.

Freestyler Dan Magness does keepy uppies for 24 hours!

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Quite a way to spend a day Football tricks wizard Dan Magness has smashed the world keepy uppies record after spending a whole day juggling his ball. Dan spent 24 hours in a box showing off his tricks. He is estimated to have had 250,000 touches of the ball during the day as he beat the [...]

‘Do Are Ya? Alexandre Pato’s skinhead

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Young Brazilian goes bald In news that has rocked Italy, AC Milan star Alexandre Pato has lost his curly locks in favour of a skinhead. It was his girlfriend's brother who gave him his smooth new look. No word yet on whether he forced into it by boyfriend David Beckham. Spotted Kickette on the reborn Who Ate [.

Headline of the day: Moyes is afer a £6m Fanni

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The Sun goes a little way towards redeeming itself We don't know too much about the wonderfully hermaphroditically-named Rennes defender Rod Fanni, so we can't vouch for whether he is any good. But we do know that he is constantly linked with moves to British clubs. Unfortunately, we are unsure whether this is because he is [.

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Arsenal’s Cesc Fabregas turns FA supergrass

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Cesc Fabre-grass Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas has grassed up eight team-mates in a bid for leniency in the wake of his FA charge for his post-match celebrations after the FA Cup victory over Hull City. The Spaniard has been charged with two counts of improper conduct in relation to allegedly spitting at Hull assistant manager [.

GIF It: Sir Alex Ferguson misses his bus

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Fergie's rage over speeding driver A reworking of an OTP favourite. This time there are no balloons involved, but Sir Alex Ferguson is pretty mad when the bus fails to stop for him. Of course, some would say that if Fergie is happy to use the bus route running through Wembley Stadium then he can't really complain [.

Claustrophobic Sir Alex Ferguson hates away trips to Fulham

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Fergie hits out at Crammed-in Cottage changing rooms Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson has revealed that Fulham away is his most feared match of the season. But Fergie isn't bothered about the quality of the opposition or the length of the commute - it is the size of the changing rooms that concern him.

Video: Brazilian goalkeeper is a fox in his own box

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Goalie blasts ball into his net This quick-thinking goalkeeper was alert when the ball bobbled around in his penalty area and made sure he was first to the loose ball. Unfortunately, once he got there he then smashed it into his own goal. The footage comes from last night's Copa do Brasil quarterfinal match between Vasco da [.