Off the Post Archives for January 2009

Video: Cristiano Ronaldo gets nutmugged by Kieran Gibbs

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Arsenal youngster leaves C-Ron on his backside Getting nutmegged is never a pleasant experience for a footballer. But when the nutmeg also leaves you flat on your backside, that has got to be worse. And when you are usually the one usually humiliating fellow pros with your megs it is probably even harder to take.

Morecambe serve up Premier League pies

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Shrimps make good grub If the Premier League title was decided on the quality of the pies on offer at half time then Morecambe would be top of the table, according to one devoted fan who has travelled around grounds sampling the food on offer. Dedicated football fan and pie lover Tom Dickinson has spent a whopping [.

It was The Sun wot turned a club into an agent

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Tabloid hacks confused by complicated Jonas Gutierrez Newcastle spent a day in court on Tuesday after which they were told they could keep hold of Jonas Gutierrez, but only after they had paid a combined total of £5.2 million to two of his former clubs. The prospect of not one, but two former clubs baffled the [.

Hard Tackle: Referee Claus Bo Larsen’s pre-match boner in the Man Utd-Arsenal match

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Giving a new meaning to semi-final It seems nothing gets a Danish referee going quite like a full house at Old Trafford and the Champions League theme tune. Unfortunately, Claus Bo Larsen got a bit too excited before kick-off last night (although the assistant on the left seems to be loving it). Perhaps we are being a [.

Video: Cristiano Ronaldo’s temper tantrum when he didn’t get a free-kick against Arsenal

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Ladies, here's C-Ron's less attractive toddler side To be fair "when he didn't get a free-kick against Arsenal" doesn't really narrow it down. The referee wasn't going to be duped by Cristiano's diving antics and, indeed, wasn't for giving a free-kick on the occasions that he probably had been fouled!

Who is telling Manchester United players to tackle with their head?!

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Putting your skull on the line Forget our conclusion that Sir Alex Ferguson is going mellow in his old age. It seems Fergie has introduced some extreme training tactics of which even the Uzbekistan FA would be proud. When we saw Carlos Tevez perfect the head-first slide tackle against Aston Villa, we understandably thought he was a [.

Video: Eric Cantona on trial at Sheffield Wednesday

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The moment King Eric nearly became an owl Some things we love about this video: 1. The fact that a top-flight English club seems to be training in a school sports hall. 2. Reminiscing about a time when a squad containing a Swede and an American was cosmopolitan. 3. Thinking about Trevor Francis singing along at a Simply Red [.

Video: Romanian coach gives his player a good slapping

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A tough disciplinarian with a feminine side Premier League managers' habits of backing their players to the hilt or at least turning a blind eye to their misdemeanours can wear a little thin at times. Nobody could accuse this Romanian coach of being partisan. He is obviously disappointed to see one of his substitutes getting involved [.

Top five conclusions Manchester United 1-0 Arsenal, Champions League semi-final first leg

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1. Congratulations to any crazy people who put money on John O'Shea to score the first goal. An unlikely hero to say the least. 2. Arsene Wenger really missed a trick playing Emmanuel Adebayor up front alone. It was too much to ask for him to take on Ferdinand and Vidic alone. A better tactic would [.

MLS star in trouble for swapping shirts… with the referee!

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The cheapest bribe ever? Chicago Fire player Cuauhtemoc Blanco is under investigation by the United States Soccer Federation after allegedly presenting his match shirt from Saturday's match with Columbus Crew to the referee. Witnesses claim they saw Blanco - he of the Blanco Bounce (see video above) - approach the referee's changing room with his shirt in [.

Arsenal’s Carlos Vela out of swine flu quarantine to travel to Old Trafford

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Arsenal decide striker probably isn't contagious Arsenal youngster Carlos Vela has travelled with the squad to face Manchester United this evening - despite being in quarantine earlier this week. Fearing their Mexican star could unleash the deadly virus on their squad, the Gunners ordered Vela to stay at home on Monday.

Japan’s turn to star in an anti-Australia viral

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More Socceroo hatred After Monday's Bahrain video and last month's effort from Uzbekistan, Japan are the latest of Australia's World Cup qualification opponents to turn to alternative training methods in their quest to see off the mighty Socceroos. At first we suspected Nike were behind this, but the final shot in this video is a bit of [.

Top five conclusions Barcelona 0-0 Chelsea

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1. A monobrowed right-footer is capable of subduing the best right winger/player in the world. 2. After Newcastle versus Portsmouth and now this, I think I have forgotten what a goal looks like. Let's hope Manchester United and/or Arsenal are in clinical mood tomorrow. 3. Guus Hiddink's mystery daydream goalscoring hero must have been Juliano Belletti.

Video: Meet Getafe’s new manager… he’s a bit of a handful

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Michel's unusual claim to fame Despite the fact that I witnessed them coming within one crap penalty of beating Real Madrid last week, Getafe have parted company with manager Victor Muñoz. And they have been quick in bringing in a replacement in the shape of former Real player Michel. The ex-Spanish international provided one very OTP [.

Last chance to win a Chelsea True Blue premium membership package

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OTP big giveaway Chelsea have been putting their fans through their paces to prove they are True Blue Through And Through. The likes of Tim Lovejoy of Gus Poyet were put to the test by being tasked with singing Blue Is The Colour. You don't need to strain your voice though, because ahead of tonight's Champions League [.

The FA asks Jermaine Jenas to explain the bleedin’ obvious

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JJ faces referee rap Spurs midfielder Jermaine Jenas can expect a letter postmarked Soho Square through his door in the next couple of days. The Football Association has confirmed they have written to Jenas asking him to explain his comments about Howard Webb following his side's 5-2 defeat to Manchester United at the weekend.

Frank Lampard and John Terry agree deals to play for West Ham

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Don't worry Chelsea fans - they won't be gone for long Chelsea midfielder Frank Lampard has agreed to pull on the shirt of West Ham United once again - and he is taking team-mate John Terry with him. The ex-Hammer, now an Upton Park hate figure, will wear the claret and blue in a testimonial match [.

‘Do Are Ya? Sean Davis

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Bringing Robinho's early season look to white folk Portsmouth midfielder Sean Davis showed he was at the cutting edge of fashion by turning up to face Newcastle last night sporting a hairstyle ditched by Robinho about six months ago. And it wasn't even a good hairstyle which had been ditched by Robinho.

Football Lookalikes: Jose Bosingwa and the monobrowed baby from The Simpsons

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The man to moniter Messi Everyone's favourite monobrowed comedy right-back will become a makeshift monobrowed comedy left-back tonight when Chelsea take on Barcelona in the Champions League semi-final. Jose Bosingwa will swap flanks to replace the suspended Ashley Cole, and will be charged with thwarting Lionel Messi.

Video: Portuguese keeper’s dilly-dally howler

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Even Scott Carson's never managed one like this Link: You know when the ball rolls back to the opposition keeper and he stands with at his feet? And your forward eventually goes to the bother of closing him down, and the keeper then picks the ball up? Next time you are going through this monotony, here [.

Video: Extreme Bahrain goalkeeper training

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4×4 reactions This Nike (?) viral follows hot on the heels of the crazy Uzbekistan training video we brought you. And it follows the similar narrative of Australia's World Cup qualification opponents going to great lengths in their training to keep the Socceroos at bay. In what could prove to be an effective training technique for Premier [.

Guus Hiddink imagines Chelsea to victory against Barcelona

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Chelsea boss is a daydream believer Cheer up, Guus Hiddink. It seems the Chelsea coach can't wait for the Blues' clash with Barcelona tomorrow - so much so he has already imagined the match twice. If he wasn't so successful, you would think he was a total nutter, but Hiddink says he always plays games out in [.

Video: Michael Owen takes you on a tour of Dubai in his chopper

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Just be grateful you didn't have to pay Here is Little Mickey Owen dressed up in his finest pilot's gear to show you around Dubai from the air. That is assuming his wooden introduction hasn't put you to sleep before the chopper is even off the ground. After that intro most of the video is worth [...

Video: Karlsruher’s Sebastian Langkamp scores 40-yard slide tackle goal

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The benefits of putting your foot in Bundesliga table-proppers Karlsruher can no longer moan that they have no luck this season. That is after Sebastian Langkamp's bizarre winning goal against Bayer Leverkusen at the weekend. Langkamp slid into a challenge in midfield and made decent contact with the ball.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 25-26 April

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1. Shocking decision from Howard Webb. There is no way that was a penalty and Spurs can feel hard done by. Heurelho Gomes clearly got the ball and it can go on the long list of dubious penalties awarded to Manchester United at Old Trafford. 2. Having said that, the Liverpool fans moaning that Howard Webb [.

PFA Awards are an absolute joke

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Ryan Giggs and Ashley Young walk away with trophies Given that I had already had a lengthy rant on this subject, I was going to try and let the PFA Awards go without too much comment. But the sight of Ryan Giggs and Ashley Young holding trophies has proven too much. As I have previously said, Giggs [.

Sir Alex Ferguson phones Manchester’s casinos to remind them to ID Federico Macheda

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Striking sensation effectively handed curfew! Federico Macheda's burgeoning social life has been dealt a severe blow by Sir Alex Ferguson. The Manchester United boss has reportedly telephoned Manchester's nightclubs and casinos to advise them that the Italian striker will not be 18 until August. The funniest part of the story is that Macheda is said to [.

Video: Wayne Rooney is Susan Boyle

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Wazza dreamed a dream in time gone by One is a precocious talent with unfortunate hair, a weight problem and slight mental health issues, the other is Susan Boyle. Special 1 TV's Wayne Rooney has been flexing his vocal cords to give this special tribute to Britain's Got Talent singing sensation Susan Boyle.

Cristiano Ronaldo confirms he wants to leave Manchester United with disrespectful gesture

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Portuguese star's rude shirt gesture Cristiano Ronaldo risked the wrath of Manchester United supporters and Sir Alex Ferguson after taking off his shirt off and throwing it into the faces of onlooking United fans. The World Player of the Year showed he has had enough of pulling on that red shirt week-in, week-out and that he [.

Top 10 football financial disasters

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In the wake of Southampton's point deduction and relegation this week, OTP looks at the English clubs which have been left looking like a bunch of bankers. 1. Leeds United Peter Ridsdale led Leeds to football's archetypal financial meltdown. While they only cost small change compared to the millions spent on managerial compensation and outlandish wages, Ridsdale's [.

Video: Caleb Folan has been watching too much of Pepe

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Penalty area assault, part dos Hull City's Caleb Folan was sent-off in a pretty decisive moment in their defeat to Liverpool today. He saw his marching orders for a crazy penalty area attack on Martin Skrtel. It's just like watching Real Madrid! Spotted on 101GG [...]

Michael Jackson wants Rio Ferdinand backstage

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Wacko invites Man Utd star for VIP treatment Musical superstar and all round weirdo Michael Jackson has asked Rio Ferdinand to go backstage at one of his sell-out O2 Arena shows later this year. Jacko himself phoned Rio's mobile to extend the invitation Rio told The Sun: "Michael was my boyhood hero.

Video: Emotional Frank Lampard phones radio show to defend himself

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This DJ picked the wrong guy on the wrong day Elen Rives' remarks about her split from Frank Lampard and her current accommodation situation caused a bit of stir earlier this week. So much show that LBC radio presenter James O'Brien decided to host a phone-in on the subject in which he "said that men who [.

Football lookalikes: Gareth Bale and Donkey Kong

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Spurs for SNES Yes, Spurs primate-faced Welshman is a a bit of a ringer for video game star Donkey Kong. The big-eared left-back could probably learn a few defensive tips from the Ninetendo hero too. Thanks to OTP reader Usama for the spot. Share on Facebook

The Daft Punt

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Off The Post's betting column There are plenty of Premier League matches on this weekend and we all know what that means – football betting time! There aren't many games left and there isn't any competitive football this summer, so unless you want to wait until August you better get your money on some fixtures this [.

Video: Franck Ribery gives Luca Toni a kick in the balls

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With team-mates like Bayern Munich's who needs enemies? You should know to expect plenty of japes when the Pink Panther is your team-mate. But an unsuspecting Luca Toni was quietly going about his training at a Bayern Munich open day when he received a swift kick from the testicles from Franck Ribery.

Video: David Wheater dances to Queen’s Don’t Stop Me Now

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Boro defender possessed by the spirit of Freddie Mercury Yesterday I spent an unhealthy portion of my day trying to track down this video of Middlesbrough's David Wheater dancing and miming to the Queen hit Don't Stop Me Now. Of course, the minute you stop looking it turns up on YouTube! So here is Wheater showing you [.

Eight clauses that should be in Roy Keane’s Ipswich Town contract

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The work of a Tractor contractor 1. At no point shall the amount a time per week Mr Keane spends walking his dog exceed the amount of time spent training the squad of Ipswich Town Football Club. 2. The Ipswich Town squad will not consist of more than four failed Manchester United players at any given time [.

Hard Tackle: Antonio Cassano strips to his pants to show Jose Mourinho some man love

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Is he angling for a contact with Inter Milan... or Daz? Smapdoria striker Antonio Cassano is undoubtedly a toddler trapped in the body of a professional footballer (in the manner that doesn't need to be reported to the police). Not only does he throw ridiculous tantrums over silly things, he also insists of stripping to his [.

Cristiano Ronaldo impaled by a goalpost

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Man Yoo star suffers virtual death RIP, virtual Cristiano Ronaldo. You died doing what you loved best: playing football. Well, you died doing what you told your mum you loved best. Uncovered by the naughty chaps at Dirty Tackle Share on Facebook

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GIF It: Sir Alex Ferguson loses his balloon (and his nose)

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Pure genius This reworking of the GIF of Fergie going psycho against Everton last weekend has had me in stitches. In fact, I'm still struggling to look at it with laughing. Whoever made this deserves a knighthood for services to GIF. Thanks to OTP reader Jerome for sending this in. Share on Facebook

Call off the vote, Roy Keane is clean shaven

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We have an answer, ladies and gentlemen It is just a few hours since we began to ponder whether Roy Keane would turn up to his first day at work looking like the bearded weirdo who quit Sunderland. As you can see, Keano has not only found alternative employment but also his long lost razor. He is [.

Video: Nicklas Bendtner’s grasp of English is on par with his finishing

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Arsenal striker struggles through silly interview According to our calculations, Nicklas Bendtner has been living in England for nearly five years now. But that still doesn't help him when it comes to fathoming his way through this interview with Channel Bee. The 21-year-old has quite obscure musical taste, claiming Nike are his favourite band.

Vote: Which Roy Keane will turn up at Ipswich Town?

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Rough Roy or Clean Keane? Ipswich Town have announced that Roy Keane will make his return to management with them. So the burning issue ahead of a 4pm press conference at Portman Road is: what sort of shape is Keano going to show up in? Our friends at The Spoiler once discovered an incontrovertible correlation between [.

The Dodo is not extinct, Manchester United are about to sign him

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'The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated' Manchester United are apparently swooping to sign Dodo (just as well he is a flightless bird then). The 17-year-old - whose full name is Jose Rodolfo Pires Ribeiro Dodo - currently plays for Corinithians in Brazil. The youngster has starred for Brazil in the South American Under-17 championships, [.

Ever wanted to see David James’ bowels?

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If you answered 'yes' then it is your lucky day England stars have taken part in a shirtless photo shoot to raise awareness of bowel cancer. The photos, which use computer graphics to show your the players' insides, are to support the There Is Moore To Know campaign being run by the Bobby Moore Fund.

Video: The genius of Paul Scholes gives Michael Carrick a goal for Manchester United against Portsmouth

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The ginger genius strikes Paul Scholes relieved any late nerves in Manchester United's match with Portsmouth by putting this goal on a plate for Michael Carrick. Defence-splitting pass doesn't really cover it: he takes out most of Portsmouth's midfield and defence with one ball. Nice finish from Carrick too.

Video: David Beckham and Andy Murray play foot tennis and proper tennis

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Sporting stars exchange shots and mundance questions Just days after the state of the pitch at Wembley was a sore point for Messrs Wenger and Ferguson, pesky David Beckham and some miserable Scottish bloke were indulging in some high jinks on the hallowed turf. Becks and tennis star Andy Murray did the favoured viral routine of [.

Video: Russian missile takes out the refereee

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Ref takes one to the head This may look like a keep fit initiative for obese men in their twenties, but it is actually the Russian Premier League. The referee awards a free kick in the match between Amkar and Kuban, but certainly isn't expecting the resulting dead ball to come flying towards his noggin.

Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez concedes defeat to Manchester United in the Premier League title race

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Spanish waiter hands Premier League medal to Man Utd Now that the splendid 4-4 draw served up by Liverpool and Arsenal has had time to digest, it is clear that the real winner was Sir Alex Ferguson. That is why he is getting handed a Premier League medal by an unnamed Spanish waiter in this lovely [.

Steven Gerrard wants his crotch to be the star of Sky Sports’ coverage

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Liverpool skipper can go tighter, lower and wider than Jamie Redknapp For a long time Jamie Redknapp has, erm, held his own as the ladies man of the Sky Sports punditry team. But last night he came up against stiff competition from some younger, fitter competition. Never one to back down from a fight, Steven Gerrard picked [.

Top five conclusions Liverpool 4-4 Arsenal

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1. I imagine that is a pretty hollow way to go top of the table, Liverpool fans. Level on points having played two more games than United looks pretty ominous. 2. An incredible match for the neutral though (highlights here, if you haven't seem them yet). 3. Someone should make sure Liverpool play a Tuesday night fixture [.

Kitman: Rafa Benitez’s novelty socks

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Liverpool boss gets rubbish Christmas presents If you thought you were the only person in the world with those novelty socks your auntie got you at Christmas, think again. Rafa Benitez is just like you, except he wears his in front of a TV audience of millions! OTP reader Russ tipped us about this and reckons they [.

OTP @ the Bernabeu: Real Madrid 3-2 Getafe

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Superb Real comeback Well, it turned out to be a very good choice of match to go and check out Real Madrid at the Santiago Bernabeu. Although if you had asked me at half-time, I might have disagreed. Getafe took a 10th minute lead through Roberto Soldado and, although the atmosphere had hardly been electric up [.

Video: Liverpool 4-4 Arsenal

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Four goals for Liverpool, Arsenal and Arshavin Liverpool are fast becoming the 4-4 specialists. The kind of hitting analysis you expect from OTP tomorrow, but for now just enjoy the pulsating highlights package. Share on Facebook

Video: Another penalty to make Dimitar Berbatov feel better… Javi Casquero for Getafe against Real Madrid

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Awful, just awful As I mentioned earlier, I went to see Real Madrid take on Getafe tonight. More thoughts on the match tomorrow, but for now here is a woeful penalty from Javi Casquero of Getafe. This was to give the visitors a 2-3 lead with a couple of minutes remaining. In the end they lost [...]

Video: Canine pitch invader given the red card in Lithuania

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The dog's frolics You just don't get as many dogs on the pitch in English games anymore, do you? Fortunately, the old school football tradition is alive and kicking in Lithuania. The match between Žalgiris and Mažeikiai on Sunday was briefly held up when a cheeky pup made his way onto the field of play intent [.

Man, it’s a slow news day. Hooray for the OTP field trip!

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Zzzzzzzzzzz There is nothing happening today. It's official. Fingers crossed for a bit of activity as the day progesses. A crazy pre-match outburst perhaps, Rafa? Please. Anyway, OTP has brought in its parental consent form and a quid towards the coach fare, and is heading on a field trip this evening.

Spurs WAG Danielle Lloyd in Arsenal betrayal

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Kind of This spoof report into Danielle Lloyd's switch of north London allegiances is brought to you by Tim Lovejoy's online TV project Channel Bee (yeah, I thought he worked for Twitter too). Spotted on 101GG Share on Facebook

Nicky Butt reveals the cost of car sharing, Premier League style

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Midfielder pays to ride Michael Owen's chopper! Newcastle duo Michael Owen and Nicky Butt are doing their bit for the environment by travelling to work together. Unfortunately for polar ice caps, their preferred method of transport is Owen's helicopter. Butt has revealed he hands over a four-figure sum to Owen every month to help with petrol [.

Video: Michael Welch scores from 70 yards for Altrincham against Crawley Town

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One man who is glad of Setanta's TV coverage! Apparently, this strike from Michael Welch is a couple of weeks old now but I am sure he will excuse our tardiness as we bring his 70-yard strike against Crawley Town to move viewers! Spotted on 101GG Share on Facebook

Q: What’s the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle United?

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A: Alan Shearer will be on Match of the Day next season. Ouch! That is the latest gag doing the rounds as if to confirm that, yes, Newcastle's season has officially been a joke (as if you didn't already know). Meanwhile, you have probably seen the reports elsewhere by now that Shearer is banking on a gung-ho [.

US radio host Steven Cohen is a bit of a plonker

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DJ uses myths and lies to blame Liverpool fans for Hillsborough I gave serious thought as to whether giving the misguided views of Steven Cohen (pictured above, left) more publicity was something I wanted to, but our friends at EPL Talk asked very nicely and I am hopeful you will see his comments for what they [.

Video: Lionel Messi’s delayed noseache

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Just how many seconds does it take before the pain of a ball to the face hits you? Barcelona star Lionel Messi had his renowned boyish good looks threatened when Getafe defender Mario Alvarez planted a clearance right on his conk. The Argentine initially appeared to be made of sterner stuff, looked around and pointed at [.

GIF It: Sir Alex Ferguson goes mental when Man Utd don’t get a penalty against Everton

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Fergie flails arms, effs and blinds, and goes purple As alluded to in our Top 10 conclusions, Fergie was not best pleased when United were not awarded a penalty for Phil Jagielka's trip on Danny Welbeck in yesterday's FA Cup semi-final. In fact, he went mental (and purple). On the one hand, yes it probably was a [.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 18-19 April

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1. Newcastle are in big, big trouble. Looking at their fixture list, the game against Tottenham seemed to be one where they needed to pick something up. 2. With three of the Big Four in FA Cup action, the weekend was dominated by relegation talk. 3. At home to Fulham is the sort of game you ought [..

Joey Barton: the fare-dodging bookworm

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Newcastle midfielder caught without train ticket Joey Barton was given a £61.20 penalty fare after being caught on a train service from London's King's Cross to Cambridge without a ticket. The midfielder was in possession of a piece of literature though. An onlooker told The Sun: "Given his reputation, it was all about par for the course.

German outfit Energie Cottbus offer refund after poor performance

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600 travelling fans get their money back Struggling Bundesliga side Energie Cottbus have offered to refund the tickets of 600 fans who travelled to watch their abject display against Schalke. The club has issued an apology on its website and called the 4-0 defeat a "pitiful performance". As you can see above, Energie released a statement headed [.

Top 10 conclusions FA Cup semi-finals

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1. That would be goodbye quintuple then. 2. Thank goodness for penalties or you might have only been reading conclusions on the Arsenal-Chelsea match. 3. Sir Alex Ferguson reached aubergine on the purple-o-meter when Danny Welbeck didn't get a penalty after being tripped by Phil Jagielka. 4. I suspect he went a shade darker when he got [.

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Five penalties to make Dimitar Berbatov feel a little better

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Assuming he even cares that he missed! 1. Peter Devine 2. Francesco Totti 3. William 4. Diana Ross 5. Robert Pires Share on Facebook

Innuendo of the week: Mick McCarthy

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Wolves boss serves up a gem "I get a lot of pleasure out of DIY." Wolves boss Mick McCarthy know that if you want a job doing, it is best to do it yourself. That is why he felt obliged to reveal his love of DIY as Wolves clinched promotion to the Premier League. "At six o'clock on [...]

Video: Robinho’s sweet volley against West Brom

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Lazy Brazilian still has decent eye-to-foot coordination Robinho's opening goal in Manchester City's 4-2 victory over West Brom today was a bit special. Not that he can take all the credit. The goal was created by a delightful dinked cross from the ever-improving Stephen Ireland. And Robinho made no mistake with the finish to volley home [.

Video: Special 1 TV - Managers on the dole

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Be champions! We know every man and his dog already brings you Special 1 TV, but due to popular demand OTP is now doing it too. Here is the latest episode from rubber Jose and the gang. Share on Facebook

Video: Liam Lawrence and James Beattie’s Gears of War 2 chainsaw celebration

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When goals get geeky Liam Lawrence's goal against Blackburn might have virtually guaranteed Stoke stay in the Premier League next season, but it also highlighted that the Potters' players are a sheltered bunch. For the second time this season, Lawrence and James Beattie rolled out a celebration based around the shoot 'em up video game Gears [.

Kinky physio spikes his players with Viagra

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[Insert your own keepy uppies pun here] A Bolivian physio has revealed he gave players the sex drug Viagra without the knowledge to improve their, erm, performance at altitude. Rodrigo Figueroa has revealed he crushed the drug into the fruit drinks of at least nine players from Blooming because it oxygenates the blood.

Video: Manuel Pellegrini misses his chair during the Arsenal match

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Villarreal coach was not having a good night Arsenal may have won the Champions League quarter final against Villarreal on the pitch, but Manuel Pellegrini pipped Arsene Wenger in the least coordinated coach contest. While Wenger's dancing skills were dubious at best, Pellegrini outdid him by far in the clumsiness stakes.

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GIF It: Liverpool keeper Charles Itandje prats about during the Hillsborough memorial service

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How not to win over the Liverpool faithful The chances of Charles Itandje ever amounting to more at Anfield than being Liverpool's reserve keeper always seemed pretty slim, but they just got a whole lot slimmer. As this GIF shows, television cameras spotted the 26-year-old larking around and generally being disrespectful during Wednesday's memorial service marking [.

Video: Superman goal celebration FAIL

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Player underestimates his jumping ability Anyone put a name to this hapless chap who tries to jump on his team-mate in celebration but accidentally flies over the top of him Superman style? More dodgy celebrations: Smashing the laptop The plastic nose Break-dancing The Houdini The Faceplant Share on Facebook

Ryan Giggs has not been one of the best six players in the Premier League this season

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So why is he nominated for PFA Player of the Year? Ryan Giggs is a wonderful football player. He is still a joy to watch and he still has a part to play for Manchester United: an old head who has been there and done that as United seek to make history this season. But has [...]

Coleen Rooney gifts a Caesarean section to the nation

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Roo Jnr coming out early so Daddy can play against Ukraine Coleen Rooney is planning to have a Caesarean section two weeks before her baby is due to ensure that the birth does not clash with England's World Cup qualifier in Ukraine. Baby Rooney is due on 10 October, the same date that Wayne will be [.

GIF It: Nemanja Vidic’s shoulder barge on Porto’s Cristian Rodríguez

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Why let an offside flag get in the way of a bit unnecessary violence?! This GIF comes from Manchester United's Champions League quarter final first leg against Porto last week. Nemanja Vidic is in a foot race with Cristian Rodriguez for the ball. The big Serb has spotted the offside flag but Rodriguez hasn't, so [.

Video: Brazilian club president races onto the pitch to confront referee

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More South American craziness Following the footage of a Brazilian coach thumping the referee uncovered by OTP the other day, we can now bring you a club president running onto the pitch to confront the ref. And we are pretty sure he would have swung a few punches given half-a-chance. Guaratingueta president Carlos Arini felt obliged to [.

Stephen Ireland gets his car resprayed after Man Yoo mickey-taking

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Or maybe it was just to match his hoodie and baseball cap Manchester City midfielder Stephen Ireland has spent £10,000 getting his new car resprayed after his team-mates picked on him for the original red colour scheme. Ireland, who is more accustomed to jibes about baldness and fake grandparents, bowed to peer pressure and got his [.

Video: PSG keeper Mickael Landreau’s hilarious own goal against Dynamo Kiev

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The worst punch ever Here is Paris St Germain goalie Mikael Landreau with an error from a cross that would have had a mid-1990s David James blushing. The French keeper made a half-hearted attempt to punch a cross that had been deflected into the air, and instead gently pushed the ball over his head and into [.

David Beckham is the Terminator

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I'll be Beck I don't know about you, but I never buy a new mobile phone unless there is a high-profile footballer promoting it by showing off images of their skeleton and arteries. That way I can rest assured that I am at the cutting edge of technology! Step forward David Beckham and the Motorola AURA.

Video: Brazilian player Thiago Neves sent-off for throwing ball at ball boy!

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Of all the people to throw it at, that seems most appropriate Yet more crazy scenes from Brazil, where Fluminense forward Thiago Neves was sent-off for throwing the ball at a ball boy. With his side trailing 2-0 to Águia Marabá, Neves trotted across to take a corner. For some reason best known to himself, he [.

Mix it up

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Video: Neville Southall takes a dig at Michael Owen for picking on kids

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If they're taller than him, they're old enough! In the days before the Britannia Stadium became Fortress Britannia, home of the mighty Stoke City, it was the preferred stomping ground of Michael Owen. Rounding up his favourite has-been goalkeeper and a young boy, Little Mickey would display his goalscoring skills (and arrogance) to an empty stadium.

Football Lookalikes: The Dimitar Berbat-off

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Doppelganger deathmatch We didn't realise that a sleeper cell of the Andy Garcia Fan Club were operating within OTP's readership, but after yesterday's Dimitar Berbatov/Mark Strong lookalike our inbox was inundated with messages from disgruntled Garcia fans eager to point out that their man also looked like the grumpy Bulgarian (and one suggesting Count Von Count [.

Fund-raising post

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Did Jeff Stelling put Alan Shearer’s balls in his mouth?

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Soccer Saturday host serves up another treat If you are not watching Soccer Saturday then you have just missed this Mexican-flavoured delight from the legendary Jeff Stelling: #8220;The quote from Iain Dowie was that Alan Shearer had #8216;big cojones#8217; to take the job. I#8217;m not sure what cojones are, but I think I had them in my [.

Lorenzo Davids: sounds, looks and tackles like…

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Horror tackle from Holland Edgar Davids#8217; cousin, Lorenzo, is currently playing for NEC Nijmegen. Well, we say currently playing - he can expect to miss the next few games after picking up a red card in last night#8217;s clash with Schteeve McClaren#8217;s FC Twente. Lorenzo went in over the top with a nasty tackle that cousin Edgar [.

Video: The world’s clumsiest ball boy

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Mission: Impossible 4 - retrieving the ball In retrospect, this Brazilian ball boy will reflect that the action hero roll over the advertising hoardings was not strictly essential and thus caused him unnecessary embarrassment. More ball boy fun! Share on Facebookimg src="http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~r/offthepost/TLAa/~4/hwV8opRP3dI" height="1" width="1"/

Robbie Keane to star in next edition of Neighbours From Hell

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Spurs striker lives next door to Amy Winehouse Robbie Keane and his WAG, Claudine, had a shock last month when they discovered that the luxury house they bought in a quiet neighbourhood in north London did not have the mouse-like neighbours they had first thought. In fact, their new neighbour#8217;s every move in the Caribbean was [.

Fantasising about the hairdryer treatment

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One way to pass time while waiting to get your haircut Try to imagine you#8217;re Sir Alex Ferguson#8230; Share on Facebookimg src="http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~r/offthepost/TLAa/~4/iljK5jZ5b_w" height="1" width="1"/

Barry Ferguson and Allan McGregor show how not to make controversy go away

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Scotland duo gesture at photographers The furore which saw Rangers#8217; Barry Ferguson and Allan McGregor dropped from the Scotland team to face Iceland for a late-night drinking session at the team hotel shows no signs of stopping. And it is unlikely to so long as the players are giving photographers the Vs.

Is Joe Kinnear spying on Alan Shearer?

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Sick Newcastle boss goes undercover to watch his successor Newcastle United#8217;s local rag, The Chronicle, has sent one reporter and his trusty mobile phone down to the Magpies#8217; training ground to record a few vox pops with the Toon Army hardcore who have turned up hoping to see Alan Shearer at work.

Teddy Sheringham rolls his testicles around his body

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Admirable cause, disturbing delivery Teddy Sheringham has lent himself and his balls to the Keep Your Eye on the Ball initiative, the campaign to raise awareness of testicular cancer. OTP fully supports the campaign, but this viral is just disturbing. If you are able to do any of these tricks with your balls, it is probably [.

Breaking Chelsea team news… veteran Dutchman won’t play!

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Guus Hiddink won#8217;t be putting on his boots Despite a striker crisis at Chelsea, Guus Hiddink has ruled himself out of action against Newcastle tomorrow. The Blues are without Didier Drogba and Nicolas Anelka remains a doubt, but Hiddink will not be replacing them in the team. Hiddink was responding to the wave of Shearermania on Tyneside [.

Video: Michael Ballack gets slapped by Lukas Podolski

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Bless you, Lukas Hitting your team-mates is not a good idea. It tends not to make you too many friends in the dressing room. The exception to this rule is when the team-mate you decide to hit is Michael Ballack. Lukas Podolski stayed within the parameters we have just set out when he gave Ballack a [.

Newcastle’s BBC backroom staff

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Jobs for the boys from the Beeb Since new Newcastle United manager Alan Shearer has poached fellow BBC pundit Iain Dowie to be his assistant, OTP decided that plans could be afoot to move all of the Beeb#8217;s football team to St James#8217;s Park. We thought we would help Shearer out by creating a few positions [.

Top 10 conclusions England 2-1 Ukraine

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1. Late is better than never. England looked they had let two points slip, but John Terry#8217;s late goal puts them back on track. 2. Either Fabio Capello is a lucky manager or England have inherited his winning mentality. That is the sort of game that would have gone badly under Steve McClaren. England were not [.

Peter Crouch talks absolute rubbish

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An interview worth watching England#8217;s goalscoring hero talks of his desire to meet a ghost and the advantages of being 6ft 7in tall when the world ends because of impending floods! Not the usual terrain for an interview with the Portsmouth striker. Share on Facebookimg src="http://feeds2.feedburner.

John Terry and Wayne Rooney play hairdressers

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Celebrations go metrosexual Gone are the days when a goal celebration was just a manly handshake, a pat on the bum and maybe a quick kiss if you were lucky (unless you play for Juventus, of course). No, celebrations have gone all girly. Despite presumably being overcome with emotion after grabbing a late winner, England skipper John [.

Video: Peter Crouch scores the opening goal for England against Ukraine

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Crouchinho strikes again He might be hated by Fabio Capello, slow, static and unable to press defenders, but Peter Crouch is also able to swing those lanky legs at ridiculous angles to great effect. The 6ft 7in wrapped his big feet round John Terry#8217;s header to turn it into the net. It is 1-0 to England at [.

Ryan Giggs promotes new jumpers-for-goalposts technology

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Reebok#8217;s goal-line technology for grassroots level This fantastic April Fools gag from Reebok features Ryan Giggs demonstrating the new jumpers-for-goalposts technology that will settle kickabout disputes once and for all. The AF1 technology features NASA (New Advanced Sports Aerodynamics) technology, which uses a chip in the AF1 ball and the AF1 jumper to see whether or not [.

Australia are the first side to qualify for the World Cup

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Uzbekistan#8217;s hardcore training is in vain The Socceroos have become the first side to qualify for next year#8217;s World Cup in South Africa after a 2-0 win over Uzbekistan. A goal from Josh Kennedy (no relation to Dr Karl) and a Harry Kewell penalty gave Australia the victory they needed to secure qualification with three games [.

Couple of seconds out of your day to click Ray again, guvnor?

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Mild-mannered actor and West Ham fan Ray Winstone has lent his support to the FA#8217;s Respect campaign in this new commercial. Winstone takes on the part of an over-enthusiastic dad giving it a bit of verbal and a more laidback narrator who is happy just to watch the action. Share on Facebookimg src="http://feeds2.

Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez faces tapping up charge

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Reds manager illegally approached Finnish youngster Rafael Benitez is set to be charged by UEFA over an alleged illegal approach for a wonderkid from Finland. HJK Helsinki claim the Liverpool manager contacted their 19-year-old attacking midfielder Pal Forisol despite being refused official permission.

Alan Shearer set to become new Newcastle manager

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Super Al to take charge until the end of the season Newcastle started the season with a Messiah in charge, and it looks like they are going to end it with another one in charge. Alan Shearer is reportedly set to take the reigns at St James#8217; Park after Joe Kinnear stopped making positive noises about [.

Top Five Premier League Ukrainians

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The Ukrainians who have visited England before 1. Oleg Luzhny If every proof was needed that slow and steady wins the face, our top Premier League Ukrainian is former Arsenal defender Oleg Luzhny. He didn#8217;t set the world alight with the Gunners, but he was certainly more consistent than his compatriots.

Fabio Capello gives Peter Crouch a pre-match confidence boost

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England coach clarifies he didn#8217;t want Crouchinho anywhere near his team England coach Fabio Capello has taken the opportunity to tell anyone who will listen that Peter Crouch is not the sort of player he wants leading the England line - just hours before the Portsmouth striker takes to the pitch against Ukraine.

Naming Rights Lane is back

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Tottenham#8217;s architects have been busy generating more graphics Work on Spurs#8217; new stadium has progressed to the extent that OTP is now able to bring you a new computer graphic of the finished article. When we first saw the plans we noted that Spurs had mastered #8220;corporate whoredom for the unsubtle#8221;.

Video: Andriy Shevchenko likes to go on TV dressed as a member of a 1970s boy band

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Yeah, that#8217;s right Keep your eyes peeled and when the member of this #8216;band#8217; second from the right allows his floppy hair to leave his face, you will find none other than Andriy Shevchenko hidden beneath. The band is then joined on stage by a woman clutching what appear to be Polaroid photos.

Eric Cantona wants to flog you a Renault

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Two famous French exports var sid=315;var vid=19022; Please allow Manchester United legend Eric Cantona to show you an automobile he would like you to purchase. Share on Facebookimg src="http://feeds2.feedburner.com/~r/offthepost/TLAa/~4/YUg0XLGpTsU" height="1" width="1"/

Mascot loving at the Germany-Liechtenstein game

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How to show your appreciation for the mascot Emotions were obviously riding high as Germany scraped out a hard-fought 4-0 victory against mighty Liechtenstein on Saturday. It all got a bit too much for one fan who had to convey his happiness through the medium of mascot humping. Paule the eagle was on the end of [.