Off the Post Archives for January 2009

The Daft Punt - Off The Post’s new betting column

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Welcome to The Daft Punt, our new fortnightly betting column. Thomas Rooney, a professional sports writer who blogs about football betting, will give you a run-down of the flutters the straight-laced betting sites didn't tell you about. It's a bit of fun, but it doesn't mean you can't make some money out of it!

Football video: Joe Kinnear calls Charles N’Zogbia ‘Insomnia’ on Sky Sports, N’Zogbia strikes

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Wantaway Frenchman vows not to play for Kinnear again Charles N'Zogbia has said he will go on strike until he is sold after Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear referred to him as "Insomnia" during a post-match interview with Sky Sports. While being interviewed by Alan Parry, Kinnear said: "Shay [Given] pulled out with a knee injury as [.

Is David Beckham about to buy a football club?

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Why go on loan when you can own? AC Milan could be about to lose their new hero... to Leyton Orient. David Beckham's most trusted adviser is in talks about a possible takeover of the struggling League One outfit, according to the club's current owner. Barry Hearn has said discussions have taken place with Beckham's agent [.

Has Charles N’Zogbia provided a possible reason for Shola Ameobi’s lack of football?

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Newcastle strike might be on long-term industrial action In the wake of Charles N'Zogbia's strike, we felt inclined to re-examine a famous Newcastle anecdote from circa 2002 to investigate whether Shola Ameobi is in fact on strike too. Here we go: "When Shola Ameobi first turned up for England under-21 duty Peter Taylor asked him if he [.

Wrestlers, rappers and political activists - the mysterious world of Salamon Kalou

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The handcuff celebration that's got everyone guessing The possible meanings: 1. WWE wrestling Source: The Guardian They say: 'The first part of the routine saw Kalou wave his hand in front of his face a few times, mimicking the gesture that [wrestler John] Cena carries out before he executes his finishing move inside the ring.

Charles N’Zogbia the latest player to experience WikiRage

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Newcastle fans want him to go Charles 'Flying Picket' Insomnia has unsurprisingly had some amendments made to his Wikipedia page in the wake of the news that he is going on strike. Off The Post reader Dominic Huxley has alerted us to the changes shown in the image above. The page reads: "Many Newcastle fans will be [.

Matt Derbyshire’s in for a tough time in Greece, according to Wikipedia

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More football-themed Wikipedia fun Egged on by those naughty boys at the back of the class from The Fiver, an internet scally has used Wikipedia to strike the fear of God into Matt Derbyshire. If the Olympiacos-bound striker chooses to do a bit of internet research on his new club, he will find that the Rivalries [.

Arsenal plot to deploy extra man against West Ham, claim Telegraph

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Wenger resorts to underhand tactics to kick-start Gunners' season Arsene Wenger has long been lauded as a great innovator within the English game (most loudly by himself, but he has been lauded nonetheless), but his plan to use a 4-5-2 formation against West Ham at the weekend could be a progression too far.

MyFootballClub members sign Darius Charles for Ebbsfleet

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Interactive transfer deal Ebbsfleet United have completed the signing of Brentford's Darius Charles after a vote by members of the MyFootballClub website, which owns the club. The members, who each paid £35 to be vote on major decisions at club, decided to go ahead with the £25,000 purchase of Charles.

Football video: Sergio Conceicao gets sent-off for throwing a missile at a piece of plastic!

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Ridiculous retaliation red card When PAOK's Sergio Conceicao went to take a corner against Aris he found himself pelted with a barrage of missiles. The Portuguese took a token sample of the debris and threw it at the perspex screen guarding the Aris faithful. For this heinous crime he was sent-off. And then all hell broke [.

Strangest transfer of the window so far… Matt Derbyshire to Olympiacos

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Rover and out to Greece Blackburn Rovers bench-warmer Matt Derbyshire can look forward to being pelted with missiles very soon as he plots a move to the Greek Super League. The 22-year-old has apparently arrived in Greece to complete a six-month loan move to Olympiacos. This strikes me of one of the weirder deals we have [.

Five conclusions Premier League 28 January

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1. Liverpool - this is January: the time of year when genuine title contenders go on a nice little run to blow the opposition away. Three successive draws against Stoke, Everton and now Wigan ain't going to help matters. 2. They should stop the slump by selling Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres, and replacing them with [.

Rafa Benitez can’t control the craziness

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It works on so many levels It looks like Rotating Rafa is determined to reinvent himself as Ranting Rafa after yet another outburst. This time facts were off the agenda and the Liverpool boss wanted to talk about craziness. The Spaniard was left with crazy on the brain after Mido's late penalty gave Wigan a draw last [.

Jimmy Bullard gives photographer thumbs-up from the bench

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A happy substitute Who said all footballers are distraught at not being in the starting line-up? Jimmy Bullard looks quite at ease with life on the bench during last night's clash between Hull and West Ham as he gives the thumbs-up to a photographer.

Football video: Artur Boruc scores penalty as Celtic beat Dundee United 11-10 in shootout

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The Holy Goalie chips his pen into top corner! Last night's CIS Insurance Cup semi-final between Celtic and Dundee United reached a dramatic conclusion in front of a packed Hampden Park (snigger) with the Bhoys sneaking through with an 11-10 victory on penalties. Both keepers were called into action from the penalty spot.

The Harry Redknapp press conference flow-chart

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Pure class Before the Spurs cavalry arrives telling me this is not proper news/haven't I got anything better to do with my time/get a job, this is: a) the work of a Spurs fan b) hilariously accurate [Click it to enlarge]

Football video: David Beckham grabs second AC Milan goal with stunning free-kick

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Two-in-two for Becks David Beckham is taking to life in Serie A like a Pato to water. He scored his second goal in as many games with an outstanding free-kick from an acute angle against Genoa. He, and his new team-mates were understandably delighted with the strike. Watching from the stands in his native Italy was one [.

The Premier League sex case XI

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A team of players who know what it's like to be in Robinho's Nike Mercurial Vapors 1. Graham Stack The then Arsenal keeper was cleared of rape and sexual assault in 2005 when he was accused by a student who came back to his flat after meeting in a West End nightclub. 2. Frank Sinclair One of Leicester City's [.

Football video: Granada players go on strike for 30 seconds

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Spanish side's on-pitch protest Players at Spanish Third Division outfit Granada are not too pleased at the lack of wages they have received recently. The squad has not been paid for four months and before their weekend clash with Melilla, decided enough was enough. The players wore t-shirt's with the slogan: "Paco Sanz [club president] - we [.

Hard Tackle: Stuttgart’s Mario Gomez receives a celebratory punch to the balls

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Team-mate quickly alleviates any thoughts of consolation Not much was going Stuttgart's way against Bayern Munich last night. Trailing the Bundesliga champions 0-5, Mario Gomez finally got Stuttgart on the scoresheet. His understandably muted celebrations are brought to a halt when team-mate Martin Lanig decides a slap to the the testicles is an appropriate congratulatory gesture.

Football video: Coventry City’s Robbie Simpson celebrates goal with epic face plant

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How not to slide on your knees This is one I missed during the Christmas festivities. Thankfully, the humour is not diluted by time. Robbie Simpson scores a goal against Sheffield Wednesday and decides to slide towards the fans in celebration. Next time he will probably check that the groundsman has watered the Ricoh Arena pitch [.

Robinho arrested for sexual assault

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AWOL Brazilian talks to police on return to UK Manchester City star Robinho has been arrested by police investigating an alleged rape at a Leeds nightclub. Quite humorously, police had originally intended to interview the Brazil international away from prying eyes at City's Tenerife training ground, which we all know he disappeared from.

Craig Bellamy vows to write a book called Don’t Google Me

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Man City's new signing spots possible commercial venture Craig Bellamy has joked that he will never leave his past misdemeanours behind by suggesting he could write a book called Don't Google Me. The Manchester City striker said: "I don't think I'll ever get away from that [my reputation]. If you tried Googling me, you know I [.

Football video: Scott Carson suffers from phantom elbow bang/drops another clanger

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West Brom keeper gives Man Utd a helping hand Scott Carson's relatively short career is becoming some what regularly punctuated with horrendous blunders. Just like this one against Manchester United this evening. Carson put United's second on a plate for Carlos Tevez when he dropped the ball from a cross.

Bootspotting at Chelsea’s training ground with Michael Ballack and Frank Lampard

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Football's answer to twitchers This new advert to promote Adidas' boot range collides the worlds of football and birdwatching to create... bootspotting. A pair of intrepid enthusiasts sneak into the undergrowth of Chelsea's Cobham training ground to see what fancy footwear they can spot through their binoculars.

Italian side concedes while celebrating disallowed goal

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Don't hold team celebration on touchline until you're sure goal has been given A Sicilian league match between Mazara and Villabate was reduced to farce when Villabate scored a goal while Mazara were still celebrating a disallowed effort at the other end. Mazara's volleyed goal looked to a legitimate, but was for some reason chalked off.

David Beckham picks up a comedy Italian accent

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Oh no! He's done a Schteeve! David Beckham's lawyers are reportedly working behind-the-scenes to find a get-out clause in his LA Galaxy contract so that he can return to the East End and open a pizzeria as soon as possible. The ex-England skipper celebrated his first goal for AC Milan by conducting post-match interviews in a [.

Did a schoolkid show Sir Alex Ferguson a GIF of Rafa Benitez and Dimitar Berbatov at it?

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Little devil leaves Red Devils boss red-faced The Mirror is reporting that Manchester United boss Sir Alex Ferguson didn't know where to look during a visit to a school with Foreign Secretary David Miliband after "one scallywag handed embarrassed Fergie a mobile phone displaying an animation of his rival Rafa Benitez in a rather compromising position".

Robbie Keane’s tea-making skills not up to Liverpool standards

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Striker dropped over hot beverage blunder That is according to near-perfect Rafa Benitez impressionist Darren Farley. Spotted on 101GreatGoals

L’Equipe accuses Robbie Fowler of being found in possession of £120,000 of cocaine

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French newspaper makes monumental coq up French newspaper L'Equipe has left itself open to both ridicule and lawsuits after incorrectly reporting in its LES BAD BOYS DU FOOT ANGLAIS that Robbie Fowler was found in possession of £120,000 of cocaine. Apparently, Fowler was arrested for the offence in March 2008.

Non-league prima donna walks out before debut after being named sub

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Blue-haired player sees red over being benched A non-league footballer walked out on his club an hour before his first match after hearing he had been named on the bench. Do Are Ya? candidate Jon Gardner [acked up his belongings and left the changing room as the Didcot Town's teamsheet was being handed in after discovering [.

COMPETITION RESULTS: Win a cool Objectivo Apparel t-shirt

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And the winner is... Thanks to everyone who entered our competition to win the Objectivo Apparel t-shirts above courtesy of Soccer Pro. The Kaka competition was won by Daniel McDermott, of Northern Ireland, and the Barca competition was won by Joel Tay, of Cambridge. Congratulations Daniel and Jay. Commiserations and better luck next everyone else.

Treadmill or Jogging

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Your clicks fuel Off The Post

Portsmouth sign Pele

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But not that one Portsmouth fans may have long dreamed of seeing Pele in a Pompey kit, and that dream has now come true. The south coast club has secured the signing of the famous Brazilian's Portuguese namesake on-loan from Sporting Lisbon.

Martin O’Neill has England’s future… so why does he want England’s past?

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Villa's five-man attack? Fabio Capello is among the most important of a host of people to note that Martin O'Neill has collected at Aston Villa a three-pronged attack which could serve England well for the next decade. Gabriel Agbonlahor, Ashley Young and James Milner have (when they weren't busy accidentally scaring each other) been on fire [.

Top 10 conclusions FA Cup fourth round

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1. Manchester United Reserves are slightly better than Tottenham Reserves. 2. Liverpool and Everton are pretty evenly matched at the minute. 3. Everton fans are probably wishing Steven Gerrard has been remanded in custody. That way they would have an extra three Premier League points and already be through to the fifth round of the Cup.

Football video: Gabriel Agbonlahor receives a ghostly shoulder massage

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Gabi gets spooked It is difficult to tell whether Ashley Young's pre-match motivational shoulder rub on team-mate Gabriel Agbonlahor helped him prepare for the match or left him wondering if he was going mad. Watch and all will become clear.

Jose Mourinho threatens to sue journalist

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Inter Milan boss wants to go to court Jose Mourinho has again been playing hardball with the Italian press this week. The Special One has vowed to take an Italian journalist to court after he was quoted as telling his Inter Milan side that they had "only won the first Scudetto through the courts, the second [.

Football video: Michael Ballack assaults a pigeon

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German star joins football's bird bullies Following in the footsteps of Gaston Aguirre and Lucas Neill, Michael Ballack is the latest football to take out his on-pitch frustrations on a feathered friend. Ballack was caught on camera striking a pigeon during Chelsea's warm-up before the FA Cup tie with Ipswich Town.

Football video: David Beckham scores his first goal for AC Milan

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Goldenballs breaks Serie A duck David Beckham scored his first goal for AC Milan in their thumping 1-4 win against Bologna, and didn't he look pleased? He still should have shot across the keeper though! Video spotted on 101GreatGoals

Jimmy Bullard’s guide to transfers

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England call-up earns Jim a big money move to... Hull I really rate Jimmy Bullard. He is not the most gifted player on the planet, but he is talented, hard-working, honest, and always come across as a nice bloke. What I don't really understand is his transfer moves. When he originally moved to Fulham, I (and [.

Football video: Fernando Torres stars in cheesy hairdressers’ advert

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Because he's worth it - he ought to be worth more than this In the age of Brand Beckham, agents, and carefully regimented PR from clubs, it is quite heartening to watch Fernando Torres embarrassing himself to help out his mate's hairdressing business. Hopefully the campaign will improve Gessbra's turnover because it ain't doing much for [.

Football Lookalikes: The man who bought Man City & the man who might buy Chelsea

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Hmm, they could be twins Dr Sulaiman al-Fahim, who led the takeover of Manchester City, has expressed an interest in leading a consortium to take over Chelsea. He said: "It would not be cheap... but through a number of investors, there is money available to put together a deal." Given the limited success of importing washed [.

Kids quiz part-time artist Dimitar Berbatov

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He's not sulky - he's just expressing himself Manchester United striker Dimitar Berbatov is indirectly interviewed by a bunch of kids (an unusually high proportion of which only have one front tooth) in this video. The inquisitive minds get facts out of Dimi that we journos could never hope to. For instance, did you know he [.

Spanish manager find unique method of settling the Champions League

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Rock, paper, scissors No need for football. No need for away goals, extra time, goals named after any precious metal, or penalties. The Champions League could be settled with a simple game of rock, paper, scissors. Pep Guardiola, Rafa Benitez and Juande Ramos have the right idea. Rock spotted on The Beautiful Game

BBC break the hearts of non-league Eastleigh fans

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Big name signing for Blue Square South outfit Cruelly jumping out of the Beeb's football page to fans of lowly Eastleigh will be the headline: "Spitfires bring in Carew on loan." Unfortunately for the non-leaguers, the headline refers to Barnet bit-part player Ashley, rather than Aston Villa poacher John.

Top 10 Real Madrid presidential election promises you will probably hear

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With Florentino Perez already spouting off that Arsene Wenger will join him at the Bernabeu, Off The Post looks at some more rumours you can expect to hear over the next few months. 1. Cristiano Ronaldo has not only agreed to join the club, he signed the contract in his blood. 2. We are going to build [.

Kitman: Aurelio Saco-Ver’s lovely on-pitch headwear

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You wouldn't have caught Terry Butcher in one of them The South American U20 championships are proving to be a fruitful hunting ground for football humour. For instance, here is Peru's Aurelio Saco-Ver preparing to take a throw-in with a net on his head. Very fetching, methinks.

Ossie Ardiles set for British football comeback

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Ossie's dreaming of Inverness job We thought we would celebrate the news that Ossie Ardiles has applied for the vacant Inverness Caledonian Thistle manager's post by bringing you a bit of Chas and Dave's Ossie's Dream FA Cup song from 1981. Ardiles said: "I don't know a lot about them, but I've been in this kind of [.

AIG withdrawal paves the way for Fergie’s dream sponsor

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A timekeeping shirt sponsor for Man Yoo? The news that skint American bankers AIG will not be renewing their sponsorship deal with Manchester United could pave the way for a Swiss watch manufacturer to take their place. Back in October, we told you that Hublot had agreed a sponsorship deal with United and were producing a [.

Fight Club with Charles N’Zogbia and Andy Carroll

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Toon duo set to fight to the death, or summat The training ground bust-up between Newcastle pair Charles N'Zogbia and Andy Carroll is apparently far from over. The Sun (I know) is today reporting that the players can't wait to scrap it out properly. A rent-a-quote said: "This one is getting out of hand.

Click me please

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Fergie keeps Carling Cup semi-final win in perspective… or not

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SAF's F1-style Carling Cup celebrations Sir Alex Ferguson is a very experienced manager. He's been round the block and seen it all before. That's why when his Manchester United side defeated the mighty Derby County in last night's Carling Cup semi-final, he was able to keep his cool. Don't expect any lavish celebrations from Fergie after reaching [.

Portsmouth help Jermaine Pennant to settle in

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HMP Fratton Park How do you help Jermaine Pennant to feel at home during his loan spell at you club? Easy, simply lock him in a darkened room by himself with just a narrow crack of light allowed in. Slap an electronic tag on him and send him out on the park for your next match. [...]

Friendly match fist fight

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Training ground kickabout turns nasty The relaxed nature of the kits on display and the brief glimpses of footballing action shown in the video above suggests that most of the players of Tigre and Argentinos Juniors knew that this was a meaningless training ground practice match. Unfortunately, nobody told Nolberto Paparatto and Nicolas Pavlovich.

Hard Tackle: Andres Rios touches up Fernando Tobio

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South American Under 20 frivolity Not only does Argentina under 20 international Andres Rios nutmeg Venezuela's Fernando Tobio, he also gives him a quick prostate examination on the way past which is very kind of him. There are not many footballers who are this considerate, although I seem to remember reading on Wikipedia that Craig Bellamy [.

Newcastle’s Andy Carroll and Charles N’Zogbia exchange punches

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Team-mates' training ground scrap Newcastle team-mates Andy Carroll and Charles N'Zogbia came to blows during a training ground bust-up yesterday. Frenchman N'Zogbia, who has made his desire to leave the club well-known, took exception to a tackle from 20-year-old Carroll. The fight took place with a bewildered contingent from Carlisle United - who were at Newcastle's Benton [.

Spiderman receives heavy handed treatment from Darlington stewards

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Superhero thrown out of stadium! Fans at Saturday's match between Darlington and Luton were treated to a surprise celebrity appearance from Spiderman. The comic book hero took his place with the Luton faithful for most of the match, but eventually the Hatters' dismal display got too much for their famous fan.

Wikipedia calls Craig Bellamy’s sexual preferences and value into question

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The overinflated striker with a penchant for man love (allegedly) Once again an angry football fan has taken their revenge against a player by taking the fight to the pages of Wikipedia. This time Craig Bellamy is the target. The Welsh striker's page has been updated to state that "HE LIKES MEN AND IS NOT WORTH [.

Step Brothers - click the advert please

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Do we deserve wages? Click the video once for yes, twice for no var sid=315;var vid=18312;

American boyband Jones Brothers play football with the Queen

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Probably the most embarrassing video on YouTube If this video doesn't make you cringe then I don't know what will. Meet the Jonas Brothers. I don't know what they sing, but I do know that they all wear chastity rings and that Russell Brand made a joke about taking one band member's virginity at the MTV [.

Football video: Dodgy Spanish referee gets taken down a peg or two

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Real Madrid-Osasuna official's mistakes analysed in detail Spanish referee Alfonso Perez Burrull has been, quite rightly, taking a lot of stick over the past couple of days after a dreadful performance in the weekend's match between Real Madrid and Osasuna. The highlight (or lowlight) of an awful display of refereeing was Burrull's decision to send off [.

Football video: Snipers get former Arsenal player Gilberto Silva

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Brazilian takes a tumble OK, it is a blatant dive by Panathinaikos' former Gunner Gilberto Silva. Having established that, you have to ask what made him think that falling over backwards like he had been shot in the back was the best way to make it look like his heels had been clipped. And you also [.

Kaka photgraphed outside Manchester City’s ground

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First photo of Brazilian star at Eastlands Well, sort of. Apparently, this is another Betfred promotional ploy but if they want to go to the effort of printing a lifesize cardboard cutout of Kaka and presenting it to Citeh fan let them get on with it!

Football videos: Amr Zaki’s incredible miss and Chris Kamara’s incredible reaction

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Egyptian striker misses sitter Amr Zaki has frequently been Wigan's saviour this season, but quite how he missed this chance to add to his goal tally against Manchester City we do not know. He had the entire goal to aim at and the ball bouncing straight onto his head and somehow he puts it over. Equally entertaining [.

David Beckham discovers his hypocritical streak

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More ironic than anything Alanis Morissette came up with This is what football's best-paid pauper had to say about Kaka's potential move to Manchester City: "It's not always about money. It's about playing for the best team, playing with the best players in the world and winning trophies and being successful.

Joe Kinnear is on the receiving end of a rant for once

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Angry fan has a word with JK Joe Kinnear is used to dishing out angry earfulls, but can he take them? The Newcastle boss was collared by a fan who was evidently eager to get into a heated discussion about the Magpies' recent form. And this was before kick-off in the 3-0 defeat to Blackburn so [...]

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 17-18 January

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1. Manchester United are showing the kind of luck and resilience which usually results in them winning Premier League titles. 2. Chelsea were also busy using their Get Out Of Jail Free card. They left it very, very late against Stoke. 3. And Arsenal only secured victory against Hull in the last 10 minutes.

Jose Mourinho says transfer speculation is based on his fantasy football team

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The Special One first signed Jermaine Jenas last July Inter Milan boss Jose Mourinho says rumours linking him with a move for Tottenham's Jermaine Jenas have only come about because he picked the England international in his fantasy football team. The Special One reckons journalists have scoured his fantasy picks to create transfer gossip.

Football videos: Jose Enrique receives a ‘pep talk’ from Joey Barton

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Scared Spaniard If Stoke captain Andy Griffin thought a slap from Ricardo Fuller was bad, then he should be thankful he is not still at Newcastle. When Magpies left-back Jose Enrique saw Joey Barton was not happy with his input to Blackburn's third goal he must have seen his life flashing before his eyes.

Now Cristiano Ronaldo’s got a parking ticket on his Bentley

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Get the bus with Robinho, C-Ron Just days after writing off his brand new £200,000 Ferrari, Manchester United star Cristiano Ronaldo has picked up a parking fine after leaving his Bentley in a bus stop. The 23-year-old parked his car illegally as he went for a family lunch at Gusto in Alderley Edge, near Manchester.

West Ham youngster hangs up his boots for music career

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Hammers kid is forever blowing the sax, not bubbles A West Ham schoolboy has quit his football career at 16 after landing a £1m four-album record deal. Saxophonist Tyler Rix was discovered by music bosses when he took part in BBC2's Classical Star TV talent programme. He signed his record contract with Universal on the turf [.

Top Five Fake Footballers

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Too good to be true 1. Ali Dia A plan as simple as it was stunning: get someone to ring Graeme Souness claiming to be George Weah. Get the Fake Weah to recommend his 'cousin' to the then Southampton boss. Sign your Premier League contract. Dia made his one and only Premier League appearance against Leeds in [.

Footie hacks duped by fake Moldovan

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Teen sensation is fictional Cracking story this. A number of media outlets, including The Times and, have been reporting on a 16-year-old Moldovan attacker named Masal Bugduv who was set to take the football world by storm. The only problem is he doesn't exist. Bugduv was nothing more than the star of a fake AP [.

Football Lookalikes: Javier Aguirre and Billy Bob Thornton

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Angelina's ex and Atletico's soon to be ex Try that on for size: Atletico Madrid's under-fire coach Javier Aguirre is a dead ringer for Hollywood actor, producer and serial husband Billy Bob Thornton.

GIF It: Cristiano Ronaldo in disguise now available in GIF mode

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And people say he loves himself... Remember the Cristiano Ronaldo Love/Hate viral by Nike? Well, someone has very kindly put the video's highlight moment into GIF format so you can watch it over and over and over and over...

Football video: Referee Howard Webb’s assist for Wolves

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Bald official helps knock Birmingham out Fast-forward to about 35 seconds into this video to see referee Howard Webb breaking up a Birmingham passing move with a brave interception before neatly laying the ball off for Wolves to break away and score.

Football video: Juande Ramos cuts his fingernails during Real Madrid match

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Tactical genius During his time at Tottenham, Juande Ramos earned a reputation for deploying tools in the wrong places (David Bentley at left-back, for instance). He has continued the theme during his brief stint at Real Madrid, where he has been spotted clipping his nails in the dugout. Here he is taking a break from the 90 [.

Football video: Joe Kinnear and Phil Brown’s spat

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Managerial touchline dispute Newcastle manager Joe Kinnear and Hull boss Phil Brown were both sent to the stands by referee Phil Dowd after a confrontation during last night's FA Cup tie. The incident began when Fabricio Coloccini was booked for a lunging tackle on Hull's Daniel Cousin. Brown allegedly applauded the decision before launching a verbal [.

Footballer’s wife gets husband a new club with YouTube highlights package

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A WAG who has earned her man's money instead of spending it! An English footballer stuck in America without a club earned a move to Scottish outfit Queen of the South after his wife posted a 10-minute highlights package of his career on YouTube (that's the video that did the trick above). Former Chester City defender [.

Football video: Amauri turns off the floodlights, stops Juventus scoring

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Don't worry - it's a commercial, dear When Juventus' Amauri is substituted in this commercial he accidentally hangs his shirt on the switch that turns the floodlights on and off (a must have accessory in the changing room). His team-mates - seemingly rejuvenated by Amauri's withdrawal - look set to score when the lights go out.

Cristiano Ronaldo registers CR9 as trademark

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He's going - deal with it Every time one of these little clues emerges we get Man Yoo fans in denial dismissing them. I'm looking forward to the comments on the day I write about C-Ron signing a contract at Real Madrid ("Just because he has signed a contract at another club doesn't mean he's leaving.

‘Do Are Ya? Jay Simpson

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Rockin' the Robinho West Brom will be hoping their on-loan striker 'Homer' Jay Simpson can complete the Robinho look by bagging a few goals for the Baggies. The Arsenal youngster is sporting a similar hedgehog-esque mohawk to Manchester City's expensive striker.

Can Viagra improve your performance?

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On the pitch, of course A doctor at a Brazilian football club is planning on giving a new meaning to feeling stiff after a match by plying his players with Viagra. Gremio quack Alarico Endres reckons the sex drug could be used to improve players' performance in games at altitude. The doctor hinted he has a [.

Manchester City open talks over Kaka

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Manchester City's money might be about to start talking Let's talk numbers: £100m - the reported transfer fee offered to AC Milan. More than the £70m Real Madrid are tipped to spend on Cristiano Ronaldo. £500,000 - Kaka's reported weekly wage packet if he agrees to move to Eastlands. More than twice the huge amount C-Ron would get [.

The latest boy band to announce a comeback tour?

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New Kicks On The Block New Kicks On The Block, Boyzonal Marking, Take That (I'll Take The Next One). I could go on (OK, I couldn't - I got bored). Anyhow, here is FIFA's Famous Five in their civilian gear looking like the latest boyband revival. Spotted on Dirty Tackle

Football video: Franck Ribery steals the Bayern Munich team bus

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Maybe he's considering a career in coaching Remember we told about Franck Ribery's adventure in the Bayern Munich team bus? Well, here's the footage of him behind the wheel. Spotted on FANartisch via The Offside

Football video: Cristiano Ronaldo - Love Him, Hate Him viral by Nike

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Football's answer to Marmite This new viral from Nike celebrates their prize-asset winning the FIFA World Player of the Year award by asking fans whether they love Ronaldo or hate Ronaldo. The man himself even sneaks into the viral incognito to boost the love votes!

Too many Anderson’s and Sir Alex Ferguson’s Anderson Dream Team

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A tale of two Andersons (at least) Off The Post is hoping Rafa Benitez gets the better of Sir Alex Ferguson, at least in their latest transfer battle, for the sake of an easy life. Both the Man Yoo and Liverpool bosses are reportedly targeting Fluminense defender Anderson in a £3 million deal. While the centre-half [.

Newcastle attempt to guarantee relegation with move for NIGEL QUASHIE

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Magpies want Mr Relegation QPR, Nottingham Forest, Southampton and West Brom all know the dangers of signing Nigel Quashie. The hapless midfielder has been relegated from the Premier League with all four clubs, but apparently nobody has alerted Newcastle to this. The Magpies are said to be mulling over a £500,000 move for the West Ham midfielder [.

Cristiano Ronaldo wins FIFA World Player of the Year, then drops another hint he’s off to Real Madrid

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C-Ron is taking Spanish lessons Hardly a surprising outcome, but a deserved one I am sure most people would agree. Cristiano Ronaldo has picked up the FIFA World Player of the Year award, becoming the first Premier League player to take the title. He said: "It's an overwhelming moment in my career and I'd like to [.

Snowballs halt Atletico Madrid-Athletic Bilbao match

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Pelt the keeper Take some snow, thousands of fans who have rarely seen snow, and one opposition goalkeeper, and you have got yourself a pretty humorous delay in play. Referee Cesar Muniz Fernandez had to halt proceedings in the match between Atletico Madrid and Athletic Bilbao in the 5th minute after a barrage of snowballs were [.

Jose Mourinho in bad photograph shock

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Effortlessly suave Inter coach pulls funny face There is no great news value to this story, but it is good to see brooding, photogenic, stylish Inter Milan coach Jose Mourinho getting photographed looking goofy and gormless.

Football video: Jeff Stelling mocks Soccer Saturday reporter’s update

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Underwater reporter Soccer Saturday presenter Jeff Stelling (along with us viewers) puts up with his fair share of dodgy satellite connections/microphones/reporters leading to some poor quality programming. It seems David Tanner's gurgled report from Celtic Park on Saturday was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 10-11 January

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1. Sometimes chubby Argentinians like to chew bubble gum in Stoke-on-Trent. 2. Manchester United are streets ahead of Chelsea at the minute. 3. Chelsea need to improve their defending of set pieces and find more cutting edge if they are to put themselves back in contention for the title. 4. For all the positive vibes that accompanied the [.

Maradona wakes Chelsea with 7am fire scare

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Argentine's cigar ruins the Blues big match preparation A Cuban cigar being smoked by Diego Maradona is rumoured to have sparked a fire alarm which left Chelsea's stars standing outside in the cold at 7am on the morning of their match with Manchester United. The Blues were comfortably beaten at Old Trafford but might want to [.

Football Video: Ayr United’s Alex Williams celebrates with referee

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How to make a match official look bent When Ayr United's Alex Williams scored a late equaliser against Kilmarnock he didn't want to celebrate with his team-mates. Oh no, he wanted to rip off his shirt and hug the referee. The man in black, Steve Conroy, tried to pull away before his good name has been [.

‘Do Are Ya? Andy Carroll

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How to look a prat as you score your first Premier League goal Woah! I thought young Premier League footballers surrounded themselves with agents and club advisers to stop them doing daft things like this. We are not quite sure who talked Newcastle youngster Andy Carroll into doing an Elano, but when he looks back to [.

Jermain Defoe’s dad wastes £5 of his £65-a-week backing his son to score

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Down-and-out dad's dodgy bet Jermain Defoe's dad wasted a fiver out of his £65-a-week benefit money betting that Tottenham's new signing would score on his debut. Spurs lost 1-0 to Wigan yesterday. Jimmy Defoe is reported to have staked £5 on Defoe Jnr bagging a goal against the Latics. He was allegedly overheard boasting that his son [.

David Beckham makes Serie A debut for AC Milan

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Serious Becks given 89 minutes David Beckham made his AC Milan debut in a 2-2 draw with Roma yesterday. The ex-England skipper was handed a surprise start on the right of a three-man midfield and - even more surprisingly - was allowed to stay there for 89 minutes. Coach Carlo Ancelotti sang Beckham's praises after the match.

Football Lookalike: Fernando Torres and a panda

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Who's that dark-eyed sub? Liverpool's Fernando Torres was unable to make an impact during his 30-minute Premier League comeback appearance against Stoke at the weekend. Too many late nights judging by this photo evidence, taken while he was still on the bench.

Football video: Scott Carson’s own goal winner for Aston Villa

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West Brom keeper proves he doesn't just do howlers at international level Scott Carson might have garnered a reputation for costly errors in an England shirt during his fleeting international career to date, but it was his club side West Brom who were on the receiving end of a Carson clanger yesterday.

Rafa’s Rant: Benitez in danger of becoming Kevin Keegan Mark II

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Liverpool boss unleashes his Fergie dossier In case you have missed it, Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez has launched a pretty scathing attack on Sir Alex Ferguson. The gist of Benitez's message was 'stop whining - there is no vendetta against you or Manchester United'. The Spaniard's outburst is reported to be in response to comments made by [.

Cristiano Ronaldo won’t even be allowed in a Ford Fiesta, say insurers

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Insurance firms ready to quote C-Ron unhappy Cristiano Ronaldo could be off the road for a while despite walking away unhurt from his smashed up Ferrari yesterday. The AA - one of the country's biggest car insurance brokers - claims it could not find a single insurer who would offer Ronaldo a policy yesterday.

Clemence, Hansen, Carragher, Dalglish, Gerrard and Rush to play together

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Liverpool legends pointless PR exercise It might sound an interesting proposition, but sadly it is not quite as mouthwatering as it might seem at first glance. Liverpool legend Ian Rush has announced he is putting together a six-a-side team with some famous names involved. Unfortunately, the faces will be less familiar.

Franck Ribery crashes the Bayern Munich team bus

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Another footballing road accident This is the carnage caused when Bayern Munich star Franck Ribery decided it would be a good idea to take the team bus out for a spin. The France international - whose face is badly scarred from a road accident as a two-year-old (he wasn't behind the wheel on that occasion) - [.

Sergio Ramos blacks up for Christmas

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Spain, where racism never went out of fashion In England, jolly Saint Nick pays us a visit on 24 December. Spanish kids receive their gifts from the Three Wise Men who - much to the relief of said Spanish kids - have ditched gold, frankincense and myrrh for gifts which the recipients are likely to appreciate.

Football video: Kris Commons shocks Manchester United

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Derby beat Man Yoo in Carling Cup semi first leg Derby County proved last night they were capable of beating Premier League opposition even if this seemed beyond them when they were actually in the Premier League. This superb 25-yard strike from Kris Commons was enough to give the Rams a first-leg lead over Fergie's reserves.

Cristiano Ronaldo crashes car en route to training

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Man Yoo star writes off his Ferrari Cristiano Ronaldo has escaped unscathed from a car crash while he was driving to training. The Portuguese international crashed in a tunnel underneath runways at Manchester Airport. The incident happened at about 10.20am this morning. A spokesman for Greater Manchester police said: "We are investigating a road traffic collision in [.

Football video: Flower girl shows off her silky skills

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Stepover magic from a three-year-old Mmm, wedding day kickabout, isn't it? Veils for goalposts and all that. It looks at first glance like this tiny flower girl is guilty of losing possession to the page boy, and indeed she is, but check out the wild Ryan Giggs Circa 1995 stepover that she pulls off first.

Football Lookalikes: Jermain Defoe and Oliver Twist

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Please, sir, can I have some more money? One's an orphan who escapes the shires to return to London to make money in a pickpocket gang, the other's a footballer who pickpockets his club to return to London to have his wicked way with Chinawhite's female patrons.

Dean Windass uses ITV column to generate transfer

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Veteran striker's online moaning to get loan move Hull City benchwarmer/throw-in nuisance Dean Windass has discovered that the pen can be just as mighty as his fists in his old age and used his column on the ITV website to speed up a move away from the club. Windass has made no secret about his frustration at [.

Football video: Jermain Defoe’s return to Spurs parade and interview

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Jermain's big return We know how strongly Tottenham fans feel about players who string along and betray their clubs. That is why Portsmouth turncoat Jermain Defoe was subjected to a barrage of homophobic and vindictive abuse at White Hart Lane last night. Or not. Defoe was presented on the pitch before Spurs' 4-1 FA Cup victory over [.

David Beckham makes his AC Milan debut against Hamburg

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Goldenballs' long-awaited bow America's greatest export since democracy has made his debut for AC Milan. David Beckham made his first appearance since his loan move from LA Galaxy in a friendly against Hamburg. The match ended 1-1, with Milan winning 4-3 on penalties. Becks passed a late fitness test to start the match before being withdrawn [.

Man City haven’t bid for us yet, so click the ad please

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Football video: Big Fat Ronaldo is not fit yet

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The most entertaining training session ever Corinthians knew they had made a big signing when they secured the services of Ronaldo, but they are only just discovering quite how BIG. The rotund one is struggling to shift the weight he piled on during his injury layoff and is left jogging round behind his team-mates like the [.

Jermain Defoe’s FA Cup sicknote

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Tottenham-bound striker's legit excuse Being a bit of a cynic, it was a relief to see that Jermain Defoe has not being screwing Portsmouth and undermining the value of the FA Cup. Now that Tottenham have had a bid for the 26-year-old accepted, they have released Defoe's sicknote to prove there were no underhand tactics afoot.

Espanyol keeper Carlos Kameni threatens fan at training ground (allegedly)

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Cameroon international grabs mouthy fan The Official Espanyol Supporters Club is calling for goalkeeper Carlos Kameni to never play for the club again after he allegedly threatened a supporter during a training session. The Premier League transfer target is reported to have turned on a fan named David after being heckled during training.

Football video: Nutmegged by a corner flag

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The new trick all the cool kids are doing The ease with which this trick is pulled off (ie the statuesque defenders) plus the fact that there only seems to be four players on the pitch suggests that this trick is probably set-up, but it is impressive nonetheless. And it's a good job the corner flag [.

When football meets bullfighting (or footbull if you prefer)

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Show off your silky skills, avoid the rampaging animal This could be the future of the Premier League in these days of on-demand entertainment and short attention spans. Just imagine: "Manchester United have fallen a goal behind here at the Emirates. It looks like Alex Ferguson is preparing to play his Bully Bonus.

Lesbians think England women’s skipper Kelly Smith is fit

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Another gay icon captains England Following in the wake of David Beckham, apparently the England women's side now has a gay icon wearing the armband. Kelly Smith has been voted "the most lesbilicious UK sportswoman" in a poll by lesbian website Lesbilicious Smith picked up 31 per cent of the vote, putting her just ahead of Dame [.

Robin Van Persie watches darts, gets competitive

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Gunner wants to prove he's the Prem's best arrow thrower Darts fanatic Robin Van Persie spent his Sunday cheering on compatriot Raymond Van Barneveld in the PDC World Championship. The Arsenal star was at the Alexandra Palace to watch his fellow Dutchman get thrashed by Phil Taylor. But that didn't stop Van Persie throwing down the [.

Ref red cards 19 players in Spanish match

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Official sends off all but three players Players from Spanish outfits Recreativo Linense and Saladillo de Algeciras might want to book their seats early for the coach trip to their next league disciplinary hearing - they are going to be in demand. Their match descended into chaos as 19 players were sent-off.

Even big cats are scared of Franck Ribery’s face

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Bayern Munich visit Dubai zoo "Urgh! What is that?! Put me back in my cage. Now!" Bayern Munich have been preparing for their money-spinning friendly with AC Milan in the United Arab Emirates with a laidback trip to the zoo in Dubai. Franck Ribery took the opportunity to scare the residents with his ugly mug.

Football Lookalikes: Steven Gerrard does his best impression of the DJ he allegedly assaulted

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Eye-eye captain During Liverpool's FA Cup victory over Preston North End, skipper Steven Gerrard took the opportunity to show off his impression of Marcus McGee, the DJ he allegedly brawled with in a Southport nightclub.

Jeff Stelling creates the Republic of Crewe

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Jeff's geography lessons Soccer Saturday presenter and all-round legend Jeff Stelling had a momentary blip on Saturday when he seemed to suggest that Crewe was an independent country. As far as we were aware, the Cheshire town was still part of the United Kingdom but it sounds like Jeff has bestowed independence upon it.

Football video: Matt Paterson’s horror tackle on Nemanja Vidic

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Southampton youngster sent-off against Man Yoo Southampton's difficult task of seeing off Manchester United in the FA Cup third round was made nigh on impossible when young Matt Paterson was red carded for this lunge on United's Nemanja Vidic. Video spotted on 101GreatGoals

Carlos Tevez to leave Manchester United?

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Argentine could leave Old Trafford this transfer window Hot off the press: I'm just back from Manchester Airport and who should come pacing past me while I was waiting in Terminal One but Little Carlos Tevez. Today's papers were already full of reports that Manchester United were both unwilling to meet Tevez's pay demands and unprepared [.

If you click this enough times I promise to pip Kaka from under City’s noses

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Football video: Nottingham Forest knock Manchester City out of the FA Cup

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League One outfit giant-kill City Nottingham Forest scored one of the biggest shocks of Saturday's FA Cup third round fixtures as they defeated Manchester City at Eastlands. Mark Hughes' multi-millionaire side went down 0-3 as Forest cruised into the fourth round. Video spotted on 101GreatGoals

Football video: Hossam Ghaly stopped from making sub appearance by Spurs boo-boys

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Harry Redknapp backs out of controversial substitution Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp was forced to scrap a planned substitution in Friday night's FA Cup win against Wigan amid fears the swap would disrupt his side's momentum. Hossam Ghaly has not played for the club since throwing a tantrum (and his shirt) when substituted by Martin Jol in [.

Football video: Clumsy Luka Modric scores against Wigan

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Lazy Luka scores lying down Spurs' Luka Modric thought he would make a bit of effort and follow up Jamie O'Hara's long range shot in the FA Cup third round tie against Wigan on Friday evening. The clumsy Croat tripped up on his way forward, but fortunately for him O'Hara's shot rebounded off the post and [.

Football video: Philipp Lahm becomes a magician’s assistant

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It's magic! You just wouldn't catch the Premier League's finest playing Debbie McGee like this! Bayern Munich and Germany left-back Philipp Lahm was the star performer on Germany's Stars in der Manege as he became a magician's assistant for the day, much to the amusement of an onlooking Bastian Schweinsteiger.

David Beckham gets wrecked for New Year

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Goldenballs left knackered by AC Milan training session David Beckham was apparently left so exhausted by the step up in intensity from LA Galaxy to AC Milan training sessions that doctors feared for his health. The ex-England skipper could barely stand after the session at Milan's training camp in Dubai.

Oxford United’s Sam Deering fined for Facebook racism

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Injured winger abuses nurses who cared for his broken leg Oxford United youngster Sam Deering has been fined by his club after calling the nurses who treated him in hospital "f***ing Pakis" on the social networking site Facebook. The 21-year-old was receiving treatment for a broken leg sustained in a match against Salisbury on Boxing Day.

Top 10 Steven Gerrard Arrest Jokes

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1. Steven Gerrard has received an ABH in the New Year's Honours list. 2. Steven Gerrard has allegedly attacked a DJ after getting frustrated by his rotation system. 3. Our very own visual gag: 4. Who is the only 22 stone man to have ridden a derby winner? Steven Gerrard's cell mate. 5. Liverpool have backed captain Steven Gerrard [.

Ricardo Fuller talks about his slap on Andy Griffin

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City slapper gets some stuff off his chest Today's papers are full of stories that Stoke players Andy Griffin and Ricardo Fuller have kissed and made up after their very public spat against West Ham. In an interview with Sky Sports Fuller seemed a little more circumspect. He claimed that Griffin had been "very rude and [.

COMPETITION: Win a cool Objectivo Apparel t-shirt

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Grab some free gear Don't forget to visit our Competitions page to win one of these cool footy t-shirts.

Last chance to sponsor the Sidebar Stadium!

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Get your name/site in our sidebar Since Tottenham are flogging the naming rights on their stadium, we are offering the chance to name a new stadium on the site. The stadium will take pride of place in the sidebar for the next 12 months, and just like Spurs we want you to name it. Our normal advertising [.

Happy New Year, folks!

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It's 2009! I would like to wish all Off The Post readers a very happy New Year and all the best for 2009. We will be back in full swing tomorrow. In the meantime, sooth your hangover with the best of Match of the Day 2's 2 Good 2 Bad feature so far this season.