Off the Post Archives for January 2008

Kitman: Free Stevie Now t-shirt

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Time for another protest? I hope the Liverpool squad kept hold of the t-shirts from the Michael Shields protest a few weeks back because, with just a slight modification, they could prove to be very useful over the next few months.

Football lookalikes: Victoria Beckham and Adriano Galliani & Morticia and Uncle Fester Addams

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Der, der, der, der, click, click There is some spooky activity at the San Siro, where some sort of Addams Family tribute act seems to be in the process of being put together.

Football video: Ji-Sung Park misses from three yards against Middlesbrough

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United midfielder misses sitter A double-whammy of Man Yoo cock-ups in this short video. Firstly, Dimitar Berbatov's shot with the outside of his foot has to be kept in play to prevent it going out for a throw-in, then the ball is put back in the danger zone for Ji-Sung Park to sky the ball over [..

Football video: Groningen coach Ron Jans gives ref the finger

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Rude Dutchman swears at match official There is something horribly David Brent about this moment of petulance from Groningen boss Ron Jans. The daredevil coach gives the referee a middle finger salute after Paulo Henrique's goal for Heerenveen before pretending his was just having a good old stretch.

Steven Gerrard charged with assault and affray

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Liverpool star in hot water over nightclub incident Steven Gerrard has been charged with assault and affray over a glass-throwing incident in a Southport nightclub. The Liverpool skipper and five other men were arrested after a fight broke out which left a 34-year-old DJ with facial injuries. He has been bailed to appear before magistrates on [.

Football video: Danny Allsopp flattens opposition coach John Kosmina

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One way of getting their coach to sit down Do you come from a land down under where strikers shoulder barge the other team's manager? Melbourne Victory's Danny Allsopp does. The former Manchester City forward chose not to take evasive action as his momentum carried him towards Sydney FC manager John Kosmina.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League 28 December

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1. Liverpool are looking classy. I keep expecting the bubble to burst, but if they maintain this consistency then they are genuine title contenders. 2. Shay Given put in one of the greatest performances by a keeper who conceded five goals in Premier League history. 3. The slack defending that allowed Fulham to secure a point was [.

Football video: Stoke City’s Ricardo Fuller sent-off for slapping captain Andy Griffin

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A game of slap the skipper It is generally accepted that Stoke face an uphill battle to stay in the Premier League, so picking up red cards for fighting amongst yourselves is not really going to help. So not only was Ricardo Fuller's slap on club captain Andy Griffin embarrassing on the grounds that he fights [.

Big Phil Scolari’s New Year’s message

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Chelsea boss wishes you job When Match of the Day asked Big Phil Scolari is he had any New Year's resolutions they probably expected some management speak to the effect of taking every game as it comes in the title race. Instead the Chelsea boss batted the question to one side and launched into his own [.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League Boxing Day

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1. Arsenal are out of the title race even if Arsene Wenger isn't willing to admit it. 2. Robbie Keane is capable of becoming a regular goalscorer for Liverpool. 3. Hull must have had a bit too much turkey on Christmas Day. They were abysmal against Manchester City. 4. Half-time team-talks on the pitch don't necessarily have a [.

Football video: Phil Brown gives Hull’s half-time team-talk on the pitch

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Tigers boss tries to shame his players into life Given that they were 4-0 down at half-time against a Manchester City side who had been out of form, Hull's players probably couldn't wait to hide their faces at the interval during their Boxing Day match. Unfortunately for them, Phil Brown decided to conduct his half-time rollicking [.

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Gianfranco Zola

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Under-fire Hammers boss' letter to Saint Nick Dear Santa, This year I would like: - To rediscover my happy-go-lucky approach and cheeky grin - To not be manager of the football club that the credit crunch keeps on crunching - To keep Steve Clarke Thanks, Gianfranco

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Steve Bruce

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Time for a Brucie (Christmas) bonus Dear Santa, This year I would like: - Not to fall victim to the horrendous ex-Man Yoo player vendetta - A nosejob - To keep hold of Amr Zaki and Emile Heskey Thanks, Steve

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 24 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 24th window. Barcelona Christmas Toon

Merry Christmas, Off The Post readers

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A quick message to wish all of our readers a very Happy Christmas. Posts will be sporadic at best for the next week or so due to me stuffing my face with turkey and having the excuse of a ridiculously slow internet connection (I started writing this post about two weeks ago) at the minute. We [...]

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 23 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 23rd window. Roary the Tiger gets into the Christmas spirit

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Harry Redknapp

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Even wheeler dealers need gifts sometimes Dear Santa, This year I would like: - A squad that wasn't assembled by Juande Ramos - A bung allegation-free year - A Nintento Wii Thanks, Harry

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Tony Mowbray

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The Premier League propper proposes presents Dear Santa, This year I would like: - A miraculous relegation escape - To be sponsored by Off The Post - Roman Bednar to wake up on Christmas Day a world-class 30-goal Premier League sharpshooter Thanks, Tony

Football video: John Terry’s red card against Everton

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Chelsea captain sent off Here is the footage of John Terry's dismissal for a lunge into a challenge with Leon Osman in last night's match between Chelsea and Everton. Apologies if the internet police have taken it away before you get chance to view it.

Football video: Notts County’s Neil MacKenzie does the Crossbar Challenge as a horse

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Lower league horseplay The Soccer AM Crossbar Challenge has seen some characters over the seasons, but Notts County's Neil MacKenzie is surely the first player to take part wearing a horse mask and galloping around the pitch. It would be easy to assume that MacKenzie - now on-loan at Port Vale - is your typical stupid footballer, [.

Who’s that fine young Lass?

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Lassana Diarra pays the price for joining club where t'other Diarra plays Far be it for us to interfere in the internal politics of the shirt policy of a Spanish football club, but surely they could have found a better moniker for Lassana Diarra than Lass. The soon-to-be Real Madrid midfielder will leave behind Portsmouth star [.

Cristiano Ronaldo, Frank Lampard, Fernando Torres and William Gallas are dancing elves

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Jingle all the way with the Big Four Send your own ElfYourself eCards Apologies to anyone who hasn't opened their advent calendar yet today, but I've just decided this deserves to be showcased. Take it away boys!

Plymouth Argyle’s Simon Walton transfer-listed after red card

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When your gaffer takes the opposite stance to Arsene Wenger Managers are often criticised for turning a blind eye to their players' indiscrepencies and backing their team to the hilt, but this could not be levelled at Plymouth boss Paul Sturrock. The Pilgrims manager has transfer-listed midfielder Simon Walton after his sending off against Barnsley at [.

Football video: Sunderland players hijack Ricky Sbragia interview with messages of support

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Guess we know who the players' choice is then! Sunderland caretaker boss Ricky Sbragia found his interview with BBC Sport very rudely interrupted by a group of players eager to get their message across that they would quite like him to get the job on a full-time basis. Perhaps it was just to stave off those [.

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Tony Pulis

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Pulis' festive want-list Dear Santa, This year I would like: - A fully fit Rory Delap - A Plan B - Cardiff to show some Christmas spirit and admit that Joe Ledley is not worth £6 million Thanks, Tony

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 20-21 December

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1. Flying to the other side of the world to face pub teams from every continent does not help you in the Premier League title race, even if does mean Sepp Blatter calls you the best team in the world. 2. It is a good job Rafa Benitez's Sky box is in good working order or [...]

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 22 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 22nd window. Send your own ElfYourself eCards Premier League Elf Yourself

‘Do Are Ya? Djibril Cisse

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Guess who's back! Djibril Cisse - the man who almost single-handedly keeps our 'Do Are Ya? column alive. You can always rely upon the zany Sunderland man to keep coming up with bizarre barnets for our entertainment. Every week and different colour, and for victory over Hull he chose to contrast his red and white stripes [.

Football video: Felipe Caicedo scores a backheel for Manchester City against West Brom

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But they still lost Cheeky goals like this can be savoured much more when you actually win the match. Unfortunately for Felipe Caicedo and Manchester City, they lost to rock-bottom West Brom which rendered this brilliant backheel useless. Spotted on 101GreatGoals

Football video: Jose Mourinho pounces on a half-naked Maicon

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A truly Special celebration A post-goal celebration pile-on is not unusual on a football pitch, but you don't expect to see the manager leading the charge. Jose Mourinho got a bit overexcited after Maicon scored a late winner for Inter Milan against Siena and flung himself on the back of his underdressed hero.

Wayne Rooney presented with giant car key

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Most Valuable Player receives tangible, untacky prize You know at airport security when they ask you to put your keys in the tray, well Wayne Rooney is going to need a bigger tray for the flight back from Tokyo. The Club World Cup's Most Valuable Player (oo er) was given a clear indication of his true [.

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Tony Adams

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Potential Pompey presents Dear Santa, This year I would like: - Some players who don't want to leave the club - All of the proceeds of Lassana Diarra's transfer - New owners who don't want to sack me Thanks, Tony

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 21 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 21st window. A crowd of Santa fans

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Joe Kinnear

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Joe, Joe, Joe. Merry Christmas Dear F***ing Santa, This f***ing year I would like: - A proper contract - Chairmanship of the Press Complaints Commission - A new f***ing swear box Thanks, Joe

David Beckham unveiled at AC Milan

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It's number 32 if you're buying a Christmas present that will last for about two months If you thought David Beckham's loan move to AC Milan was nothing more than a cynical marketing ploy then think again. Here he is being presented with his shirt five days before Christmas ahead of joining the club in January.

Help us choose the site’s new header!

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Feast your eyes on our works of art - pick your fave A change is as good as a rest they reckon, so we are having a bit of an Off The Post revamp (think of it as a virtual spring clean). The very talented Steve Millington of Hisknibs has come up with a couple of [...]

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 20 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 20th window. Kevin Keegan's in there somewhere allegedly

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Sir Alex Ferguson

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Don't let him be the Little Ferg that Santa Claus forgot Dear Santa, This year I would like: - Immunity from FA disciplinary charges - Rory Delap's shoulder to capitulate before Christmas - A new dummy for baby Carlos to pacify him on the bench Thanks, Alex

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Gareth Southgate

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Boro boss' Christmas wishlist Dear Santa, This year I would like: - Stewart Downing's affections all to myself - To turn back time and buy a cheaper but more effective striker than Afonso Alves - All pitchside photos to be taken face-on Thanks, Gareth

Jose Mourinho v Sir Alex Ferguson: the quote wars

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The Champions League draw has thrown the old Premier League sparring partners together. Here's a look at Jose and Fergie's harshest and kindest words for each other. "In the second half it was whistle and whistle, fault and fault, cheat and cheat. The referee controlled the game in one way during the first half but in [.

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Mark Hughes

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What Sparky wants Dear Santa, This year I would like: - A shoestring budget and no pressure Failing that: - Kaka - Cristiano Ronaldo - Michael Owen - Lassana Diarra - Fernando Torres - Roque Santa Cruz - Stephen Warnock - Gianluigi Buffon - Kun Aguero Thanks, Mark PS I know you're really busy this time of year, so don't worry if you can't get Warnock.

Football video: Argentine player kills pigeon

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Gaston Aguirre latest player to attack feathered friend San Lorenzo defender Gaston Aguirre will forever have the stain of pigeon blood on his conscience after killing a bird during a recent match. The Argentinian's shot connected with the bird, who sadly didn't have the quick reactions of his mates, killing it instantly.

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 19 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 17th window. A Posh and Becks waxwork nativity scene

Sometimes you have to love your Google Ads

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Search engine pimps out Rodney Marsh You may not have noticed (and you sure as hell don't click!) the Google Ads on the right-hand side of this site. But by selectively blocking them out of your vision, you are missing out on gems like this one. When I logged onto the site this morning and noticed I [.

Football video: Suwon Blue Wings coach Cha Bum shows off his ball control

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This coach kicks every ball with his team This is Cha Bum, coach of South Korean outfit Suwon Blue Wings, demonstrating the enthusiasm (if not quite the first touch) he wants to see from his players by racing to the edge of his technical area to cut out a clearance by an opposition defender. He might [.

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Rafa Benitez

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A letter from Liverpool to Lapland Dear Santa, This year I would like: - Not to get anymore kidney stones - One of those really rare Robbie Keane goals - A really bumpy flight back from Japan for United Thanks, Rafa

Hard Tackle: Roberto Hilbert’s slightly disturbing fetish celebration

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Stuttgart man loves the taste of ink on skin after finding the net Roberto Hilbert celebrated his goal for Stuttgart against Standard Liege last night by puckering up and making out with his tattoo. Possibly even more worrying is the fact that team-mate Sami Khedira seems to be weighing up whether he wants a piece of [.

Kieron Dyer comeback delayed by flu

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Injury-hit West Ham midfielder ruled out with snuffle West Ham midfielder Kieron Dyer's return from a 16-month injury layoff has been delayed after he picked up a bout of man flu. The ex-Newcastle man played 45 minutes of a reserve match last week but had to be substituted as the virus began to take its toll.

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Phil Brown

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Hull manager's letter to Father Christmas Dear Santa, This year I would like: - A policeman's outfit - Some handcuffs to keep Marlon King's fists in check - Unexpected European qualification Thanks, Phil

Proof that Graham Taylor still knows his stuff

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Ex-England boss' directional sense on par with his tactics During last night's Uefa Cup tie between Hamburg and Aston Villa, Craig Gardner fired a decent chance to get Villa back in the game over the crossbar. Here's what Five co-commentator Graham Taylor had to say on the matter: "Yes, it's only just over the bar, but over [.

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Roy Hodgson

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Roy's letter to Father Christmas Dear Santa, This year I would like: - An away win - L'Oreal Men Expert Hydra Energetic Anti-Fatigue Eye Cream - A new contract for Jimmy Bullard Thanks, Roy

Football video: Teletext Alex performs the Footballers’ Merry Christmas Everybody

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Terry Fish Nash, Off The Post readers! Following on from the superb rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody, Radio Five Live brought listener Teletext Alex into Danny Baker's 606 studio once again. This time he performed his version of Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade. Once again all the lyrics have been replaced by the names of footballers.

Robin Van Persie suffers from an undescended ball

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Arsenal star's strike gets stuck in the top corner We thought it was the season to be jolly, but apparently it is the season to bombard us with virals. Adidas have launched a second volley of short videos promoting their range of boots, following hot on the heels of those released a couple of weeks ago.

Cafu to play in the Unibond Northern League

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World Cup-winner agrees deal to star for Garforth Town Former AC Milan right-back Cafu has become the latest Brazilian star to agree to join lowly English outfit Garforth Town. The 38-year-old deal will sign for the club in the January transfer window, but is expected to link up with his new team in April to feature [.

‘Do Are Ya? Footballers’ hair super quiz

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Do you know your dodgy footballing barnets? Now is your chance to prove it. Quizible has a monster quiz featuring 31 footballers' haircuts which you have to put a name to. At the time of writing, there seems to be a problem with the spelling of Paul Gascoigne's name so don't beat yourself up about that [.

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 18 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 18th window. A thoughtful festive yellow card offence from Kieron Dyer

David Beckham might want to wear his swimming trunks in the AC Milan showers

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Becks' new team-mate looks forward to eyeing up his tackle It is not long now until David Beckham links up with his new team-mates at AC Milan, and one in particular is waiting with bated breath for the LA Galaxy man's arrival. Striker Marco Borriello cannot wait to find out just how good Armani's Photoshop [.

Gabriel Agbonlahor and Ashley Young for London 2012?

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Aston Villa sprint kings offered some specialist coaching Olympic gold medallist and 400m world record holder Michael Johnson has offered to take Aston Villa duo Gabriel Agbonlahor and Ashley Young for some specialist sprint training. Johnson saw the duo in action during a recent visit to Villa's training ground, and has promised he can make the [.

Football video: Arsenal stars get new jobs for Teenage Cancer Trust

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Gunners take on manicures and homework Arsenal's squad have very kindly agreed to donate their wages from Sunday's match with Liverpool to the Teenage Cancer Trust, their chosen charity for the season. To encourage as many people as possible to follow suit by dipping into their pockets, the club has released this viral in which various [.

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: David Moyes

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Everton gaffer's wishlist Dear Santa, This year I would like: - Some cotton wool to wrap Tim Cahill in - Marouane Fellaini to cut his hair so I can see the rest of the midfield (actually forget the cotton wool - I'll wrap Cahill in Fellaini's hair) - Michael Owen, to add to my injured strikers collection Thanks, David

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 17 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 17th window. Now that's a snowball!

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Luis Felipe Scolari

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A few stocking Phil-ers

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Gary Megson

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What Ginger Gaz wants for Xmas Dear Santa, This year I would like: - Not to be in a relegation battle - Consistency - A nice shiny Nicolas Anelka replacement. Thanks, Gary

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Paul Ince

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The beleaguered Blackburn boss writes to Saint Nick Dear Santa, This year I would like: - My job (or a new job if you can't manage that. I know it's a lot to ask for) - A midfielder who is young enough not to be touted as my replacement - A bodyguard to protect me from the bad people who [...]

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 16 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 16th window. C-Ron as Santa courtesy of the News of the World.

Welcome to Naming Rights Lane, home of Tottenham Hotspur

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Spurs master corporate whoredom for the unsubtle Nothing quite says, "Please can we have a nice rich Arab sponsor to help pay for our new stadium like our North London rivals" like sticking the words 'Naming Rights' on the side of your computer-generated plans. For that reason Spurs have decided to do away with any semblance [.

Where’s Dimi?

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You know the game - find the odd one out in the red hat Did you spot him? Don't worry if not - that was a tough one, kids. Dimitar Berbatov has been rocking his Steve Zissou look over in Japan. This is how his painstaking process of withdrawal and isolation begins.

Football video: Harry Hill takes the mickey out of the old Brazil Nike advert (and Eastenders)

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Welcome, to the crazy world of trophy football

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Martin O’Neill

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The Villa boss hands us his wish-list Dear Santa, This year I would like: - A Champions League slot - To keep hold of Ashley Young - Michael Owen (but don't spend too much) Thanks, Martin

The Premier League Managers’ Christmas Lists: Arsene Wenger

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The Arsenal boss gets us under way Dear Santa, This year I would like: - Mathieu Flamini back - To stop losing against less aesthetically pleasing teams - A decent centre-half with a mental age above his shoe size Thanks, Arsene PS No money please - I've already got more than I know how to spend

Hard Tackle: Jermain Defoe and Chris Foy

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One way to beat the December cold It seems this was the weekend that Portsmouth striker and unabashed man whore Jermain Defoe realised that there was no member of Chinawhites' female clientele that he had not already slept with. The England international is now set to start working his way through Premier League match officials, starting [.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 13-14 December

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1. Paul Ince is a gonner. Last week I said that defeat to Liverpool (when Blackburn put in a good performance) should not get him sacked, but I cannot see the Rovers board tolerating 3-0 losses to Wigan. 2. Drawing is the new winning. Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and Man Yoo all picked up a solitary point [.

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 15 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 15th window. Spot as many Middlesbrough players as you can. Let us know if you think you know who's who.

Football video: John Paintsil pretends he has been headbutted

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Fulham defender's dive against Stoke Here is Fulham's John Paintsil feigning injury after a non-existent headbutt from Stoke's Ricardo Fuller. Fine and a ban please.

Football video: Mirko Vucinic celebrates goal in another Roma shirt and his pants

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A celebration that's begging for a yellow card It's a late entry, but the 2008 Stephen Ireland Award for Most Psychologically Disturbed Goal Celebration goes to Mirko Vucinic for his response to his last-gasp winner against Cagliari at the weekend. The Roma man stripped off his shirt to reveal... another Roma shirt, before whipping off his [.

Phil Brown auditions for the Village People

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Hull manager dons stage mic and shows us his moves Phil Brown, there's no need to feel down. I said, Phil Brown, pick yourself off the ground. I said, Phil Brown, 'cause you're in a new town There's no need to be unhappy. It's fun to stay at the... [over to you, Phil]

‘Do Are Ya? Elano and his cornrows

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White men can't jump braid White teenage hip-hop fans can't pull it off, David Beckham can't pull it off, so we are not quite sure what made Elano think that he could become the first white guy to successfully wear cornrows. Whatever it was, it was wrong and he can't. His hairdresser should be struck off [.

Football Lookalikes: Sir Alex Ferguson and Dexy’s Midnight Runners

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Geno, Geno, Geno, Geno It's been a weekend for popular music references in the Premier League, as Phil Brown will testify. Fergie showed better musical taste than the Hull boss by rocking a Geno-era Dexy's Midnight Runners look during Saturday's clash with Tottenham.

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 14 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the 14th window. Angel Gabriel

Jason Manford on the dangers of Transfer Deadline day

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Transfer window fever is nearly upon us Comedian Jason Manford discusses the risks posed by Transfer Deadline Day. Not long until the uPVC January window opens now!

Football video: Jamie Carragher’s own goal against Hull City

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Carra scores a tap-in... against Liverpool Neat finish from Jamie Carragher, not that he knew too much about it!

Bayern Munich not too happy at having their stadium destroyed

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Allianz Arena crumbles to the ground in TV advert German giants Bayern Munich are apparently unimpressed by a TV commercial which aired during their Champions League tie with Lyon, which showed their Allianz Arena home being reduced to a pile of rubble. The footage was an advert for the film The Day The Earth Stood Still, [.

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 13 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the thirteenth window. Roque Santa Cruz Claus

We know what we are getting Johann Djourou for Christmas

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Arsenal defender adores The Body Shop's mango body butter Johann Djourou has given Santa some useful pointers as to what he would like in his Arsenal stocking this year, but risked the ribbing of fans and team-mates by confessing to his love of beauty products. The Swiss international has a penchant for The Body Shop's mango [.

Look up pessimist West Brom fan in the dictionary…

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Imagine what they'll be like after relegation Only yesterday I made a joke about West Brom tightening up security at The Hawthorns after watching the Brazilian fan try to jump off the stadium roof, and today we come across this Channel Bee video in which a Baggies fan celebrates his lottery win. Spotted on The Offside Rules

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 12 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the twelfth window. Half Man Half Biscuit perform All I Want for Christmas Is A Dukla Prague Away Kit.

Football Mysteries: The Britannia Stadium’s missing corners

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Unusual method of restricting your gate revenue When the Britannia Stadium was first built, Stoke City were knocking around the old Division One relegation zone and at one stage even had Chris Kamara in charge (and I'm still not convinced he should be left in charge of a microphone let alone a football club).

Football video: Iker Casillas forced to face penalties in giant goals

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Well, he got paid at least Need to make yourself feel like a better footballer? Simply take Real Madrid goalkeeper Iker Casillas, stick him in front of an 18 metre by 7 metre goal and blast penalties past him to your heart's content. You can even take him for a consolatory beer afterwards if you like, [.

The Juande Ramos, Didier Zokora, Tottenham, Lassana Diarra Love Square

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Who's gonna end up with who? Right, so Juande has got the hots for Didier, who obviously impressed him with his inch-perfect passing during their Tottenham days (that doesn't sound right). He would like to move him into his new pad in Madrid. But he also quite likes Lassana, who apparently has impressed him from afar [.

Rory Delap’s shoulder is knackered / Stoke’s tactics are knackered

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Erm, do we have a Plan B boss? I believe it was BBC blogger Robbo who cleverly coined Rory Delap's long-throw the Delapidator. But while his launches into the penalty area may leave opposition defences in ruin, it seems they have the same effect on his shoulder. The midfielder/touchline roamer has revealed he has been taking pain-killing [.

Kitman: Lee Clark’s ‘Sad Mackem Bastards’ t-shirt

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New Huddersfield manager's past fashion faux pas Since Lee Clark was unveiled as Huddersfield Town's new manager today we thought we ought to pay tribute to his playing career. Or, to be more precise, the moment he made one of football's greatest wardrobe-related errors of judgement. Geordie boy and former Newcastle player Clark took the not-very-well beaten [.

GIF It: Rory Delap is Thor

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Apparently we have not been meeting our GIF quota [Click to play] Off The Post reader (and possible Honorary President of the GIF Appreciation Society) Emmet Farragher is concerned that we are not currently showing you enough funny GIFs. In fact, so peeved was Emmet at our lack of moving images that he submitted his own for [.

Football video: The Wayne Rooney Aalborg stamp incident

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And not a winker in sight This is the alleged stamp on Aalborg's Kasper Risgard which could land Wayne Rooney in trouble with Uefa. The video also features a little compilation of Wazza's other misdemeanours throughout the match, plus his neatly taken goal. Video spotted on The Offside

Help pay the bills…

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Goal.com take a curious angle an Juventus’ draw with BATE

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When does an obvious pun stop being obvious and start indicating a sick mind? Here! Talk about self-indulgent! Goal.com originally ran with this ever-so-slightly more perverted than it needed to be headline following Juventus' draw with FC BATE. Eventually the post-match Viagra obviously wore off/a senior member of staff spotted it, and it has now been [.

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 11 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the eleventh window. Frank Lampard on the joys of Christmas dinner and celebrity friends!

Football video: Suicidal Vasco Da Gama fan talked out of stadium roof jump

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Crazy Brazilian ready to kill himself after relegation It is a good job Leeds United fans have thicker skin than this or the population of Yorkshire would have been reduced considerably over the last few years. This fan decided he could no longer bear to live after watching his beloved Vasco Da Gama relegated for the [.

Giovani Dos Santos gets wasted at the Tottenham Christmas party

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Mexican youngster lies on floor to minimise vomit trajectory Juande Ramos' nutritional expectations for his squads are notoriously strict, so perhaps that explains why one or two Spurs players had lost track of their alcohol threshold when Harry Redknapp sent them out for a good old-fashioned Christmas party.

Football video: Villarreal keeper gifts Shaun Maloney a goal for Celtic

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Bhoys benefit from keeper karma After Artur Boruc's nightmare against Hibs at the weekend, Celtic proved that what goes around come around. The Glasgow club benefited from some very generous goalkeeping by Villarreal's Viera, who kindly gave an underhit cross the near-post flick-on it needed to reach Shaun Maloney.

Hard Tackle: Mark Van Bommel wants his wicked way with Cesar Delgado

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Run, Cesar, Run See how that worked out for Mark after the jump...

10 things Real Madrid can look forward to with Juande Ramos

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A guide to the coming season for Real's players 1. Baby food Once Ramos gets his nutritional regime in force he is sure to welcome Antonio 'Dr Baby Food' Escribano to his backroom staff to feed Real's players on his mushed up vegetables and vitamins. Shame Ronaldo isn't back at the Bernabeu to feel the benefit.

Football video: Didier Drogba comes off the bench to keep Chelsea in the Champions League

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Super-sub Drogba sees off CFR Cluj Chelsea are through to the next round of the Champions League thanks to this strike from Didier Drogba. The Blues had a nervous night at Stamford Bridge against Romanian outfit CFR Cluj, but substitute Drogba got himself on the end of a neat chip from Joe Cole and finished in [.

Probable Real Madrid side to face Barcelona on Saturday

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Juande 'Square-peg' Ramos' Real debut

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 10 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the tenth window. Headington versus Bolton in the snow, 1954 FA Cup

Five alternative candidates for the Sunderland job

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We shorten Niall Quinn's shortlist for him 1. Roy Keane's dog Think about it, who does Roy Keane turn to in times of crisis for comfort and advice? Exactly - Triggs the dog. And there can be no better candidate for keeping a group of indisciplined Black Cats in check than a dog. 2. Theo Walcott The real problem [.

Google spreads very naughty rumours about Roy Keane

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A search engine with a sense of humour This is not Photoshopped at all, I swear. I was doing a bit of delving for a photo of Roy Keane with his beloved dog Triggs for the Sunderland post this morning, and this is the filth Google comes up with! An innocent Google search and it wants [...]

Juande Ramos has a job! At Real Madrid! Bernd Schuster sacked!

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Well, the first two exclamation marks were merited Real Madrid's stars are today gorging themselves on fast food and tapas before their baby food diet kicks in tomorrow (probably). Spurs reject and serial punchline Juande Ramos has been named as the temporary replacement of sacked Real boss Bernd Schuster.

Football video: The streaker is alive and well in non-league football

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OK, I'm ready to be arrested now This happy chappie streaker had obviously done his research before taking the plunge at the York City v Grays match at the weekend. Using a simple formula, he had worked out that t (where t is the temperature in Yorkshire in December) x s (where s is the level [...]

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 9 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the ninth window. Des Lynam as Setanta Claus

Real Madrid’s Marcelo latest football personality to face Wikipedia rage

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Brazilian left-back's online encyclopaedia page takes a hit Real Madrid fans angered by Marcelo costing them points at the weekend did the only thing they could and took their protest to the pages of Wikipedia. Expletives aside, the basic gist was that the Brazilian youngster was not quite up to the standards of Real Madrid's first-team.

‘Do Are Ya? Thierry Henry borrows his team-mates’ hair

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Tel takes advantage of the Barca barnet timeshare Barcelona forward Thierry Henry is sporting a very nice mohican and flick - even though it doesn't belong to him. When you play your 'do as simple as Henry, it is nice to be able to rely on your team-mates for a bit of extravagance.

Win Premier League tickets

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Then celebrate in your own style!

Football video: Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s spectacular taekwondo pass

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Inter Milan man shows off Over hit pass? That is no problem for Zlatan Ibrahimovic. The super Swede simply throws out some taewkwondo moves to keep Inter Milan's attack in full-flow. Avoiding the martial arts references, I suppose you would have to describe it as a mid-air overhead backheel. Bet he wishes Dejan Stankovic had gone [.

Video: CCTV footage of Vinnie Jones’ American bar brawl

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Ex-Wimbledon star punches fat man Vinnie Jones could face up to one year in prison after being arrested for assault following a bar room brawl in South Dakota. The footballer turned actor was caught on CCTV punching a 26-stone pool player. He was on his way to the toilets to clean up after being glassed in [.

Football video: The Belfast Beckhams

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Northern Irish nutters change their names by deed poll What can you say? I don't know whether to laugh or cry after watching the Belfast version of David and Victoria Beckham talk through getting their name changed by deed poll and a subsequent conversation with the genuine, bungee-jumping David Beckham.

Thierry Henry in pregnancy shocker!

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Barca hat-trick hero up the duff Not only has Thierry Henry had to hand over the best part of £10 million to his ex-wife, the French striker also has the added expense of a new little baby on the way. The former Arsenal man could not hide his bump as he celebrated a hat-trick in Barcelona's [...]

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 8 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Click on Joe to open the eighth window. Chris Waddle and Gazza in Santa outfits.

Football video: Arjen Robben and his magic self-building boot

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Balding Dutchman amazed by fake technology Real Madrid winger Arjen Robben sits in the changing room when he is interrupted by the components of his boot arriving. It is not apparent what he was intending to wear before the boot arrives as disjointed as the West Brom defence. It also remains unclear what he is going [.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 6-7 December

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1. Arsenal fans really hate Emmanuel Eboue. He had a disaster of a match, but he probably had enough on his plate with the Wigan fans jeering without the Gooners getting in on the act. 2. Arsene Wenger really hates Emmanuel Eboue. Yes, we established he was awful against Wigan but he had been on the [.

Hard Tackle: Benfica stretching exercise

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Feel the burn, boys The absolute professionals at Benfica won't go near a football until they have warmed-up. Felipe Bastos and Gilles Binya are particularly to eager that every single part of their body is limbered up at the start of training! And they are both looking rather smug about it too! Thanks to Off The Post [.

Football video: Steve Sidwell’s quick-fire start against Everton

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A ginger rocket 34 seconds is all it takes Aston Villa midfielder Steve Sidwell. This is how he gave his side the lead within the first minute against Everton at Goodison Park yesterday. Video spotted on 101GreatGoals

Football video: John Rankin’s 40-yard squiggler against Celtic

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Hibs players scores great goal, invents word Celtic goalkeeper Artur Boruc was the fall-guy as a plan by Hibernian's John Rankin and Derek Riordan to embarrass the SPL's keepers came into fruition. Rankin scored from just inside Celtic's half to secure victory for Hibs. He said: "The boys were asking why I was shooting from the ark, [.

David Beckham goes bungee jumping in New Zealand

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Ex-England skipper avoids booking for blatant dive Continuing his tour of New Zealand stereotypes, LA Galaxy merchandising executive David Beckham decided to go bungee jumping yesterday. Onlookers report seeing a nervous Becks texting his loved ones before taking the plunge. Confusing bungee jumping with appearing in an Armani advert, Becks removed his top before the 130ft leap [.

Football video: Emmanuel Eboue jeered off the pitch by Arsenal fans

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The Emirates' Mr Popular is booed by his 'supporters' To use local parlance, Emmanuel Eboue had a 'mare against Wigan yesterday. He knew this, but just in case he didn't the Arsenal supporters decided to let him know when he was substituted late in the game. The Ivory Coast international had only come into the game [.

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 7 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Open the seventh window Cristiano Ronaldo steals Santa's job

Football video: Deco scores a scissor kick against Bolton

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A timely reminder of his brilliance After an impressive start to life in the Premier League, Chelsea new boy Deco has lost his way in recent weeks. But this is the perfect way to prove you can still play even when it is not sunny August. Tough on Jussi Jaaskelainen after his save earlier in the [...

Eco-friendly Robinho is actually just a wimp

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Team-mate reveals real reason for bus journeys Robinho's bus trips around Manchester are nothing to do with concern for the environment or the Brazilian's thrifty nature - he is just terrified of driving on the other side of the road. That is according to his Manchester City team-mate and compatriot Jo.

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 6 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Open the sixth window The Christmas Tree formation

10 of Sir Alex Ferguson’s management proteges

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After Roy Keane's exit, we rate Fergie's players-turned-managers 1. Roy Keane Still young enough for another crack of the whip or ten but the early evidence suggests that he is not cut out for management. The rumours suggest the mellowed out persona of Keane the manager was a façade hiding a very unsettled personality.

AC Milan play rugby with the All Blacks

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Two teams, different shaped balls, united by a mutual sponsor a love for sport Maybe it was a show of bravado to their Serie A rivals to highlight their strength in depth, but I would not have liked to be the one explaining this to AC Milan's insurance company if this had gone pear-shaped. "Well, the [.

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 5 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Open the fifth window Sky Sports does snowman football

Football video: David James howler against Wolfsburg knocks Portsmouth out of Uefa Cup

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Must have been the video games again Portsmouth were knocked out of the Uefa Cup last night after this trademark clanger from David James. The England international - who seemed to have ironed most of the mistakes out of his game with age - can claim an assist after passing the ball straight to Zvjezdan Misimovic [.

Football video: David Beckham stars in new Adidas commercial, parties with musicians

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Becks has it large with his showbiz buddies This new Adidas advert features, from the world of music, Russell Simmons, Katy Perry, The Ting Tings, Missy Elliot, Method Man, DMC, Estelle, Young Jeezy and Redman, and from the world of sport, David Beckham and... well, just David Beckham. Good job there wasn't an overzealous bouncer on the [.

Roy Keane quit Sunderland by text message

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Keano was the Premier League's SMS manager Several newspapers are today reporting that Roy Keane quit his post as Sunderland manager by text message. The picture being painted of the ex-Manchester United skipper this morning is of a very unsettled, reclusive figure who frequently missed training sessions and could only be contacted by text message.

The real winners of Euro 2008… Werder Bremen

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German outfit top Uefa's paylist for releasing players Spain might have walked away with the trophy, but German side Werder Bremen have pocketed £935,107 for releasing their players for Euro 2008. Werder benefited from Germany's success in the tournament as Tim Borowski, Torsten Frings, Clemens Fritz and Per Mertesacker all played with the national team to [.

Roy Keane asks himself if he’s the right man for Sunderland, answers ‘no’, quits

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Keano resigns as Black Cats boss Roy Keane has quit as manager of Sunderland after just over two years in charge. The former Manchester United captain and occasional Iranian president lookalike indicated after the Black Cats' humiliating 1-4 defeat to Bolton at the weekend that he was considering his position.

Kitman: West Ham find betting firm to sponsor them (including gambling addict Matthew Etherington)

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Hammers winger forced to promote his own addiction In these cut-thrust times of economic uncertainty, a Premier League club without a sponsor cannot afford to let little things like irony stand in the way of a decent pay-day. That is why the club has not let the fact that winger Matthew Etherington has a gambling addiction [.

Hard Tackle: Ryan Giggs shows the perks of building relationships with refs over the years

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Cough please, Mr Giggs When you have played football for as long as Ryan Giggs, you are bound to have a closer relationship with the match officials than some of the new kids on the block. That's why referees such as Alan Wiley often take the opportunity to touch Giggs up during the middle of a [...

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 4 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Open the fourth window Ronaldinho taking a crap In Spanish and particularly Catalan Christmas tradition, alongside all the usual players there is a character called the Caganer. While the Three Wise Men brought gifts, the Caganer simply craps in the corner of the stable as baby Jesus is born.

Football videos: Manchester United 5-3 Blackburn Rovers

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Pulsating match, eight goals - what more could you want? Just watch and enjoy and wonder how - of all the matches so far this season - Blackburn fans thought this was the most appropriate game to call for Paul Ince's head. It could easily have been 4-4. United's sublime passing move for their fourth and Carlos [.

Hard Tackle: Nilmar receives celebratory bum squeeze

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Brazilian victory cuddle After netting the winning goal for Internacional against Estudiantes in the Sudamericana Cup final last night, Nilmar celebrated by hugging and kissing a considerably shorter team-mate while having his backside caressed.

Crafty New Zealander puts fish-hook in David Beckham’s eyebrow

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Becks does his best Sean Connery impersonation Do you expect me to talk? No, that squeaking thing you normally do is fine. David Beckham raised a few eyebrows during a press conference in New Zealand earlier today - his own. LA Galaxy's finest pulled out some of his finest facial expressions for the occasion.

The Premier League won’t let us sponsor West Brom. Boo!

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Poor old Baggies destined to spend all eternity with plain shirts Watching West Brom play (and frequently lose) week-in week-out without a sponsor had got us feeling a bit down. The Baggies are propping up the rest of the Premier League table and they can't even find someone willing to sponsor their shirt while they do [.

Kitman: Steven Gerrard’s ‘Free Michael Now’ t-shirt

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Pre-match campaign lands Liverpool in trouble Liverpool seem to have landed themselves in hot water with the FA after a pre-match t-shirt campaign by its players. The authorities are apparently not very happy that the Reds, spurred on by Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher according to the local press, used their Monday night TV slot with [.

Football lookalikes: Roy Keane and Mahmud Ahmadinejad

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Iran away from a World Cup once One is a fanatical megalomaniac prone to random outbursts of aggression, the other is the president of Iran.

Rio Ferdinand hated Manchester United

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Young Rio vowed never to play for Red Devils Manchester United star Rio Ferdinand has revealed that he used to hate the club in his younger days. The England defender told the Mirror that he went as far as to say he would never play for the club before his £29.1 million move from Leeds [...]

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 3 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Open the third window A Diego Maradona Christmas tree

Can Arsenal’s youngsters win the Carling Cup? Erm, no they can’t

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Arsenal's reserves taken down a peg or two There is no point getting us all excited by thrashing Sheffield United and Wigan if you are going to lose to Burnley. And Lukas Fabianski - one of the stars of the young Gunners campaign thus far - handed the Clarets their opener by very kindly pushing the [.

Control Your Footie

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(Summary is not available.)

Football video: Steven Gerrard’s hilarious air-shot against West Ham

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Stevie G proves he has the potential to play for your 5-a-side team It is good to know that it can happen to the best of players. Just look at the anguish on Steven Gerrard's face - part strained muscles, part instant embarrassment - as he fails to connect with his own chest control. Spotted on 101GreatGoals [.

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 2 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Open the second window Walking in an Adams wonderland.

Football video: Is this the worst dive ever?

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Yes, I believe it is It is at times like this that you are thankful that Rob Styles is only as crap as he currently is and not worse! This footage is taken from the Colombian championship last weekend. Atletico Junior somehow manage to win themselves a penalty when one of their players throws himself to [.

BBC awards Grimsby unexpected promotion

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Welcome to the Premier League, boys The BBC has exclusive coverage this morning of Grimsby Town's sudden promotion to the Premier League. Strange that nobody else has picked up on that - it's pretty big news!

Vote for us in the Soccerlens Awards

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Off The Post nominated for Best New Blog These award nominations are like buses - you wait ages for one and then two come along at once. We realise that we have already had the cheek to ask you to vote for us once in the past few days, but we would appreciate you taking a [...]

Off The Post Advent Calendar: 1 December

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Sponsored by Joe Kinnear Open the first window Werder Bremen Santa Clauses

Jogging nuns and other things

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Football Lookalikes: Marouane Fellaini and Colonel Gaddafi

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Everton's midfield general is a midfield colonel What is the correct slang term for the north African equivalent of the Wafro? An Arafro? Nevermind, these pair are both rocking the look, whatever it is called.

Top 10 conclusions Premier League weekend 29-30 November

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1. If you are on a yellow card, don't commit a deliberate handball. That's just pushing your luck. 2. A fit and in-form Robin Van Persie is a dangerous beast, especially when you let him stand offside. 3. Fortress Stamford Bridge needs a new moat building or something - it is looking pretty open to attack at [.

Kitman: Everton’s Steven Pienaar celebrates in ‘God Is Great’ vest

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Have yourself a holy yellow card Steven Pienaar showed that he shares Kaka's religious views if not quite his footballing prowess by celebrating his winning goal against Tottenham yesterday in a 'God Is Great' vest. Kaka famously celebrated winning the Champions League in an 'I Belong To Jesus' t-shirt.

‘Do Are Ya? Djibril Cisse

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The latest offering from Sunderland madman We are not quite sure what was most shocking about Sunderland's 1-4 home defeat to Bolton, the standard of the defending or the fact that Djibril Cisse kept the same hairstyle for two consecutive weeks. The red mohican was given a second run-out, but if Cisse has an ounce of suspicion [.

Football videos: Dean Windass’ defends the Rory Delap throw (as a substitute)

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Fat man stretches in front of man with long arms Hull City substitute Dean Windass did his best to thwart the now infamous Rory Delap long-throw by doing his warm-up in front of Stoke's not-so-secret weapon. The veteran did a few stretches in front of Delap before being ushered out of the way by the referee.

Football videos: Leeds fans endear themselves to the ITV crew

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Ah, you didn't say that when you were in the Champions League! Leeds United fans in the process of watching their side being unceremoniously dumped out of the FA Cup by a Rio Ferdinand lookalike and his band of merry men decided to turn TV critics and offer some advice to the ITV team packed into [.

Football videos: Greek player sent-off for tripping up pitch invader

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A red card that's sillier than Ronaldo's! Poor old Adrian Bastia. The Asteras Tripolis player thought he was being a good citizen - helping out the stewards, stopping his fellow professionals getting beaten up - when he tripped a pitch invader towards the end of his side's match against Panathinaikos.