There was shock today in Zurich as representatives of Chelsea's moneybags owner and Siberian orphan seller, Roman Abramovich, announced his intention to bid for EURO 2016.
It is believed that the bid involves buying the tournament lock, stock and barrel, allowing Abramovich to rename it 'Roman's Euro kickabout 2016', introduce compulsory oversized animal costumes for players and replace sendings off with summary executions, the method of which will be voted on by TV viewers via the red button.

Well all the clichés about the Germans were out in force for this semi-final although they actually progressed to the final through skillful counter-attacking football rather than ruthless efficiency, giving Turkey a taste of their own medicine with a last minute winner from Philippe Lahm,
Senturk had, once again, set up a grandstand finish with his 86th minute equaliser just reward for a fantastic team performance, especially in light of their injuries and suspensions which meant that Fatih Terim had only 13 outfield players available to him.

Fabio Capello has sensationally claimed that his tenure as England supremo has already been a huge success, as for the first time in the last four tournaments, England have successfully avoided the heartbreak of a quarter-final defeat.
Speaking outside the FA's (s)wanky Soho offices in Golden Shower Square, the swarthy tactical mastermind pointed out that England fans would be happy to be sat at home enjoying the Schadenfreude of watching the distress of the Croatian, Dutch, Italian and Portuguese supporters, as their hastily applied face paint ran down their cheeks like so many multi-coloured tears, rather than drinking their body-weight in beer and proceeding to throw white plastic chairs at riot police as a coping mechanism to deal with the overwelming frustration of yet another wasted summer watching a load of over-hyped, overpaid, flangemuppets blast penalty kicks into orbit.

Austria - "So Macho" (Sinita)
Croatia - "My name is Corluka" (Suzanne Vega)
Czech Republic - "Roll out the Baros"
France - "Evra little thing she does is magic" (The Police)
Germany - "Frings can only get better" (D-Ream) or "Move Klose" (Phyllis Nelson)
Greece - "Bat out of Dellas" (Meatloaf)
Italy - "Zambrotta Love" (Led Zepplin)
Netherlands - "Oojier" (Outkast)
Poland - "Never mind the Boruc(s)" (Sex Pistols)
Portugal - "Pepe don't preach" (Madonna)
Romania - "There's a Rat in the kitchen" (UB40)
Russia - "Semak the knife" (Frank Sinatra)
Spain - "Hi Ho Silva lining" (Jeff Beck)
Sweden - "Shabaans" (Ricky Martin)
Switzerland - "Return to Senderos" (Elvis Presley)
Turkey - "Lip up Fatih" (Bad Manners)

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz. 
Worst. Game. Ever.
This game was so dull that it really isn't worthy of a proper match report, in fact if it hadn't been for the fact that I'm blogging this tournament I would've turned this snoozefest off and watched "Big Brother" or some other vacuous Channel 4 crap.
Italy were extremely defensive and without Pirlo, who was suspended, to pull the strings in midfield, they resorted to pumping the ball forward for Luca Toni to head, scuff, mis-control and occasionally shoot everywhere but towards the direction of Casillas's goal.

The third of this amazing tournament's quarter-finals managed to live up to the high standards set by the previous two, as the impressive Russians, coached impeccably by the Dutch master, Guus Hiddink, overcame the Netherlands in a superb display of attacking football.
With the creative talents of Andrei Arshavin playing in a slightly withdrawn position and the tireless work of Pavlyuchenko up front, Hiddink's men always look more dangerous than Van Basten's team, who despite the majority of them having had eight days rest, looked tired and lethargic compared to the Russians.

Well this tournament continues to exceed all expectations with the second quarter final of EURO 2008 managing to surpass the first one for sheer drama, if not quality, as Croatia vs Turkey exploded into life in the final moments after a frankly fairly drab previous 120 minutes during which both teams had pretty much cancelled each other out.

Well the first match of the knock-out stages, the quarter final between Michael Ballack's Germany and Cristiano Ronaldo's Portugal (copyright Clive-twatting-Tyldesly), continued the tournaments fantastic ratio of great games and goals, with the Germans ominously reaching the semis.
With Jogi Löw (pronounced "Yogi Lurve") banished to the stands, for his bizarre altercation with the fourth official in their final group match gainst Austria, Germany, led by assistant coach Herr Hansi Flick, eased their way past the much fancied Portugeezers, 3-2.

Well we're through to the knock-out stages and the final round of the group stages threw up some excellent matches even though all four group winners had already been decided thanks to UEFA's use of 'head to head' results rather than goal difference to decide between teams on equal points.
It was also great that only two teams, Switzerland and the reigning champs, Greece, had been definitely eliminated with one match to play.

The BBC have controversially given Aston Villa manager and Raymond Domenech lookalike, Martin O'Neill a written warning for breaking British broadcasting guidelines and stating that EURO 2008 has been ‘bloody brilliant' without England's talentless, overhyped, leaden footed, retards stinking up the tournament.

Wow, the second round of matches really has seen this tournament explode into life, proving that it really isn't necessary for the English members of the 'Best League in the World' (TM) to be present for there to be great footballing entertainment.
The Netherlands (as I've found out we're supposed to call the Dutch rather than 'Holland', which is a western region of the Netherlands) continued to show why experts, such as myself, have been tipping them for greatness, by thumping the losing World Cup finalists, France, 4-1 in another superb display of lightening quick counterattacking football.

After concerns expressed by representatives from the BBC, (mainly "shining wit" Gary Lineker) that no-one would want to watch the, less than, glamorous Switzerland vs Turkey match, UEFA last night controversially decided to flood the pitch at the St Jakob-Park stadium in Basel with 1.2 million gallons of water in an effort to provide much needed encouragement for British TV viewers to tune in.

Well we've now seen all of the teams play and after a slow start the tournament seems to be coming to life with the quickest teams packed full of relative youngsters, Holland, Portugal and Spain, showing the value of fast, counter-attacking football and winning relatively comfortably (although both Italy and Russia were slightly unlucky to end up on the wrong side of absolute gubbings).

Bring up the rear of Group D it's the porn loving Swedes with their revolutionary new Ikea inspired defensive unit, the flat-pack four.
Sweden
Official coach slogan - Sweden's dream = what a team!
Unofficial coach slogan - Sweden's dream = a sauna + a smorgasbord of blonde beauties.

Thirdly in Group D it's everyone's favourite big tournament chokers and perennial dark horses, Spain.
Spain
Official coach slogan - Whatever happens, SPAIN FOREVER!
Unofficial coach slogan - Whatever happens, Spain forever f***s it up!

Second up in Group D it's the pesky Ruskies, the other team along with Croatia to qualify at the expense of the hapless England team.
Russia
Official coach slogan - Russian hands are all for one, Russia is proud of her sons.

At last we're into the final strait, Group D (aka the Group of Much of a Muchness) containing Russia, Spain, Sweden and first up, the surprise Champions from last time out, Greece.
Greece Official coach slogan - One team, one dream! Unofficial coach slogan - One-nil, one-nil, one-nil, all the way to the final!

Lastly in the Group C, the, almost certain to be overlooked until they spring a potential banana skin (can you spring a banana skin?), Romanians. 
Romania
Official coach slogan - Romania, we are proud of you and love you!
Unofficial coach slogan - Romania, fangs for the memories (Oh come on!

Next up in Group C we have everyone's favourite Orangemen, the guardians of 'Total Football' and perpetual self destructive squabblers, the Dutch.
Holland
Official coach slogan - One mission, one feeling, together we are Orange!
Unofficial coach slogan - Together we will struggle.

Secondly in Group C we come to reigning World Champions and fair-play specialists, the stylish sophisticates of Italy.
Italy
Official coach slogan - The sky is always bluer!
Unofficial coach slogan - The Azzuri always win when the year ends in scandal.
Coached by the surprise choice to replace the experienced World Cup winning Marcello Lippi, prematurely greying ex-midfield tyro Roberto Donnadoni, the Italians will be one of the red hot favourites for EURO 2008 glory, despite being reacquainted with France and thrust into the GROUP OF DEATH also containing the dangerous Dutchies and the ruthless Romanians.